Standards of Excellence: How to Empower Your Family with Principles that Last | S7 E11

Are you setting the standards for your family - or are you letting other people set them for you? 

In this episode, Steve and Mary Alessi dive deep into why adhering to healthy principles and moral standards is essential for a balanced and fulfilling life for you and your family.

You’ll hear about the importance of maintaining consistent standards, even when societal trends shift. They share personal stories, including the emotional impact of divorce and how it creates empty homes and broken lives. 

They discuss crucial issues like financial responsibility, dealing with changing social issues, and setting personal standards in speech and communication within families. You'll discover why adopting Godly and biblical standards leads to a life full of integrity and free of regret.

Chapters

• 0:00 Coming Up In This Episode
• 2:27 A Foundation To Build On
• 7:35 Get Married To Stay Married
• 12:50 What Standards Do Apply Today?
• 19:10 Your Standards Tell On You
• 26:26 Gods Standards Bring Peace
• 31:05 Embrace, Protect, Defend

Transcript

0:00

We do not get divorced. You know, we were raised with parents that said, you don't even mention the word divorce. Murder? Yes. Not divorce. I mean and that was the joke, but the truth is we were raised with, hey, Alessis don't get divorced. Hello. Welcome to another edition of the family business with the Alessis because family is everybody's business. And today, it's me and me spousa that is here in the podcast booth because we love just talking. Like we got a cup of coffee. We're sitting on the back patio of our house Yep. In the heat. Yeah. That would be right. Yep. The fan doesn't even cool us off. No. And we're disgusted by what's happening in the news. So we have to step away from the television. Yep. And we're gonna go grind out Yep. What is in our heads Mhmm. About what, Mary? We have to hit this subject matter about? Standards. Standards. Standards. Living life by a level of standard. Yeah. Now if you know me, you're you're going to realize pretty quick, and I think you're all pretty much aware of it if you listen to us regularly, that I'm really into principles. Very much so. I'm really into the standard of a certain way to live. Right. And your principles really will tell you what your future is gonna look like. Mhmm. Because the only way you could prophesy your future is by, operating in principles today. That's right. Because those principles will put you on course to have a certain kind of future. Right. So I'm really big on principles. And what a lot of people seem to be saying today when it comes to standards and principles is that you've gotta evolve and you gotta change your principles and your standards to match what's happening in the culture and society today. Is that what you think? I think that's a dangerous thing to do. Why? Because it leads to all kinds of confusion. Mhmm. If there's no absolutes so let's go back to you for a minute. You are a if you you are nothing except a principled driven person. Right. Principles drive you. Right and wrong drives you. It's it's your personality. I think it's also innate. It's built into you, your type of personality that there's no gray area. It's right or it's wrong. And if it's wrong, it's going to lead to more wrong. If it's right, you're it's setting you on a course to have a level of living that you can basically predict. Right. So when you don't have standards in your life and you don't have rights and wrongs and you're wishy washy, nobody can build on you. You know, the Bible talks about building on sand, sinking sand. Yeah. And when you don't have standards in your life, you don't have the foundation of truth and principles and what you accept, what you want, what is right, what is wrong, what you let in, and what you keep out. And I do think that the, again, the culture, the messaging today is, who are you to tell me? Mhmm. Well, it's not who are you to tell me. It's how does universe work? Mhmm. What are the principles that work versus principles that do not work? Yeah. So standards are very, very important. And to leave everything open ended with a, well, how do we know? Well, maybe it would work for this generation. Or maybe that's just the way you're you did it, but that's maybe that's not the way we're supposed to do it. All of that Right. Is like a bunch of malarkey at the end of the day. Because if you can't build on something, you can't have structure, you can't have confidence, and you can't have security. Yeah. And that could touch every area of your life. Every The way that you, you know, eat and what kind of food you put in your mouth, to the kind of marriage that you're gonna have, to the kind of relationship or faith that you're gonna have with God. Right. There are principles and standards that have to be adhered to Yes. If you want certain kind of results. Right. So just with marriage in general, we're finding that society is a healthier society when the society embraces strong marriages. Right. No. It's true. If you don't, then, you know, you're you're gonna see a breakdown in the family. Yeah. Now now, Mary, I had a interesting experience recently. I admit you and I are living in a certain kind of cocoon Yeah. In the church world. We come to this office. 80 to 90% of our time is spent around people that share our same faith. So when I had this encounter a couple weeks ago, it really it it touched my heart. So I went to buy a vehicle. We were looking at buying another truck for the farm. And instead of buying it in Miami, I want to buy it in Georgia so I can drive it and it to the farm and not have to pay to transport it up there. So I connect with this guy, and he's got a nice little vehicle for sale. So I drive in to go meet him. Mhmm. And I see the vehicle, and I wanna buy it. So he says, okay. Come on in the house because I'm we can sign the paperwork. On his way to the house, he said to me and, I said, yeah, man. Your property is beautiful. He says, yeah. It is. It's great, but my life's kinda rocky right now. I'm going through a divorce. And I was like, oh, man. I am so sorry. Now I hear that from people on occasion. Right? And I am sorry. I hate to see people have to go through a divorce. Then when I walked in the house, man, my heart sunk. Because the house, it was a nice house overlooking a nice pond in the backyard. Beautiful. And, I walked in and it was like bare of furniture. Yeah. She took the furniture. Right. And he was left with the house. And it just looks so barren. It looks so empty. It looks so broken. Right. The he had boxes piled up in the corner, which looked like that must have been where the office used to be. And she took the office furniture, and all he had left with was files that he had piled up. He he had a rinky dinkety dining room table with, like, 3 chairs around it. The kitchen was bare. Like, the cupboards, they had glass glass, doors on it. They were bare. Yeah. It so broke my heart for this man because I'm thinking this house used to be full. Yeah. Not just full of furniture, but evidently full of activity, full of life Yeah. Full of love, and now it's empty and bare. Yeah. It broke my heart. And I the first thing that I thought was, could they have made it work? I know. What could be that bad? Right. So I did ask him. I said, hey, man. Did you screw up? And he says years years ago, I did, but things just were never the same afterwards. Yeah. And I thought to myself, okay. Here's something that maybe you could do. Fight for the marriage. Just fight. Because the standard that we grab hold on to or we hold on to is a standard that says we stay married. We got married to stay married. And we fight for the standard of marriage. Because the moment divorce comes in the picture, the family unit crumbles. It does. And the child that these two shared together will be affected Yes. By this divorce. It may not look like it right now because maybe we've convinced ourselves that mom and daddy are gonna be happier this way. But in the long run, the child is gonna suffer. And most likely, the 2 adults are going to suffer because now they're gonna have to live with the broken marriage. I know it's hard, and we're talking to a society that does not uphold the standard of marriage. Right. But we're here in this podcast booth, the family business to say, family is your business. Uphold the standard of the family. Stay together. Work it out. Forgive each other. You gotta hold on to that standard of marriage. Well, it's interesting that within that was happening to you within the same week, I was talking to a friend who was struggling in their marriage. And when we were discussing it, she made the statement, I've never ever thought about leaving before, and yet I was thinking about it. And I realized I can't even let that thought come into my mind. I don't believe in that. Yeah. And and that's that's what standards are. When you say that might be something that the world allows or that might be something that my friend allows or my coworker allows, but for me, the standard that I hold is I get married once and for all to stay married. And, yes, there are going to be times where you're tempted, and, yes, there are gonna be times where you wish you could. You're gonna have those thoughts. But just take a minute and virtually walk through in your mind an empty house and doing what this man did that you walked through and the pain it caused you. And to not have that standard in your life that it's easier to change than it is to separate. Yeah. It's just easier for me to change the way I'm looking at this or ask God to help me change or help him change than it is to break this up and standards that you hold fast to. We do not get divorced. You know, we were raised with parents that said, you don't even mention the word divorce. Murder, yes. Not divorce. I mean and that was the joke, but the truth is we were raised with, hey, Alessis don't get divorced. Now interestingly enough, my parents did, and they didn't believe in divorce, and your parents, probably should have been divorced, but because they had that standard, your dad and your mom, they stayed married. Yeah. My parents, my mother had a standard for marriage. She was not about to get divorced. My father let it slip. Yeah. And that's what can happen when you don't have absolutes for your life. That's a picture of what happens. Why is that so important to be, to use a word that people don't like to use anymore anymore dogmatic about it? Yeah. I mean, this zero tolerance, this family, we don't get divorced. Yeah. And we fight for it. Right. We're in a political season. Yep. We're not well, actually, it's not just this season. It seems like now every day is a political season. You don't for our news cycle. To be when a new president was in the White House, you had at least 2 years to kinda lick your wounds, and then they would fire it up. But, man, they go at it 247 nonstop. It's a dogfight all the time. We're we're in the middle of it, and quite frankly, elections come down to the standards that people want to uphold. That's right. And the 2 political parties have defined what their standards are. And today, we're living in a time where you could not see more difference in the two standards That's right. That are being established. Yeah. It's crazy. It is nuts. It is. So we have certain standards that we believe are in place that are motivated by our faith. And when we say our faith, it's our relationship that we have with god, and that relationship is spelled out through the standards of god's word. Yes. Now a lot of people look at those standards and think they're old fashioned. Yeah. And you're you're not being progressive enough. And I'll tell you, if I look at it from just a very carnal mindset from what's happening in the world today. I would I would embrace that. Yeah. Because it's like, you're right. I mean, an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. I mean, that's some nasty stuff. You're gonna get it you're gonna get jailed for that. Those those old standards. So you you look in the bible and, like, well, that standard doesn't apply today. Right. So what standards do apply today? Right. Which is very hard because you could say the same thing about some of the old laws that are are mentioned. I mean, if you kill your your neighbor's cow, you gotta go over there and you gotta replace it with another cow. Now what do we do? We just call insurance. Right. I have a car accident. I don't replace your car. I just call my insurance company, and we're we're covered by it. Some of the standards that are from the old testament and so on with matters of the law of that are biblical for us, we sit back and say, okay. There's there's room for change in our society. But when it comes to other standards Yeah. For instance, Mary, there there is a standard that does say we gotta love our neighbor. Right. There's not a lot of love going on in the world today. It's very easy to spew hate in the world today. Even as a Christian. Even as a Christian. A person that says they live by biblical standards. Right. That's a standard, though, that you cannot violate. You can't run around and have hate in your heart all the time towards others. Yeah. Whether it's hate that stem from you know, you you don't like the race of another person. You let that hate start to spew out of you, whether it's a political party. You let that hate start to spew out of you. I got it that they frustrate you. But the standard has to be upheld that says, wait a minute, man. I'm not gonna be motivated by hate. Right. I'm gonna be more motivated by love, which means I will change the way I talk and behave. Right. I gotta hold on to that standard. And I can't be taken off of that because in the long run, we just know this principle. You know, what you put out, what goes out what goes around, comes around. Yeah. You can't be a person that operates in hate all the time, operates with just criticism all the time without now that stuff coming back and hitting you. Well, that's what a standard is. A standard is something that's a proven principle that when put in place can be built upon. It's it's a level. It's a measurement of this is this is our watermark. This is who we are. And I as you're talking, this thought came to me. I remember years ago, I raw I watched this video called wolves make rivers. And in in every culture Cool. Any generation that comes around, they think we can do things differently than our past generation. They were they were whatever they were, we're gonna do things differently. We're gonna have a better society because we have all this wiggle room now. We're allowing for things that we would not have allowed for before that we knew worked, but let's just try this new way of life. Right? So it it and it goes back to what you just said about hatred and not loving your your neighbor and not loving your enemy. You can try that, but the fruit is going to bear on the tree. That's going to be destructive for a society. Mhmm. So it's it's gonna end in civil war. We know that. How do we know that? Because we tried that in the past, and it ended in civil war. Mhmm. So you can't argue with the outcomes. So wolves make rivers. What's such an incredible story is that in Yosemite National Park, years ago, they drove out the wolves. They're dangerous. They're eating all the wildlife. Well, then they became obsolete. What's the word? When they're Extinct. Extinct. Okay. Well, what ended up happening was within a matter of years, there were no rivers left in Yosemite. Now I don't know all the environmental reasons. You can watch that video and you could see. But the dangerous animal brought A balance. Brought balance and supply. So what ended up happening was the very animal that maybe they were tinkering on the end of extinction because the the the wolves were predatory, they were dying anyway because the rivers dried up. So they brought back wolves to to Yosemite, and it brought balance, and the rivers came back because all the overgrowth of the animals that ate vegetation dried up the rivers. Again, read the watch the YouTube video. I don't have all the concepts. I can't remember. It was years ago. But it's a powerful picture for us to understand that there is a cycle to this. There is a cause and effect to standards. And the reason we have standards, the reason we have absolutes, the reason we believe the Bible is the foundation of our politics as it is our lives, as it is our marriage, as it is the way we raise our children, as the way we live our lives is because it's the greatest standard bearer of all time. Mhmm. And it gives us the principles to live by. So if you ask us about marriage, we have a standard. It's very simple. Yeah. We we we go to God's word because it might look like, you know, in today's society, there's a podcast podcast. The film's just down the road. It's a very, very, very, very, very famous, very popular podcast. Okay? Names I won't mention. But something that they say that's so disheartening because it's a it's more of a liberal podcast is that Christianity is now a religion of hate. Mhmm. So our standards and our principles are the wolves. Yeah. We're the bad guy. But guess what? Wolves make rivers. Yeah. So if you keep believing that and you don't understand the power and principle and standard because you just you just wanna save everybody, you don't want anybody to feel bad, you don't wanna have absolutes because there's people that disagree, well, the land's gonna dry up. Yeah. You gotta have standards. You've gotta have principles. You can't build a society on nothing. Mhmm. You have to have structure. Children need structure. Yeah. We as a society need structure. So, anyway, that's for whatever it's worth. That's what just popped into my head. No. I think people have to with your standards, People have to be able to trust you in life. Yes. They have to trust me. If I don't have certain standards in place, I don't give anybody the opportunity to really know who I am. That's right. All they're doing is listening to the words that I speak. And the words that I speak could be very deceptive. That's right. Because I can say one thing publicly and be something totally different privately. That's good. But my standards ultimately tell on me. Yeah. Because what I do in private is gonna be exposed public, not because somebody's gonna get out there and say, this is what Alessi's doing behind closed doors. No. The lifestyle is going to present a a a behavior Yeah. An outcome. That That's right. I'm I'm embracing behind closed doors that other people will not see in the public, but it will tell on me. That's what standards do. That's right. There's standards that you're upholding. And if they're faulty and you're not willing to uphold them all because of peer pressure or the desire to wanna be accepted or deception Yeah. Yeah. If if you're not upholding those standards, those standards are going to give something out. It's gonna tell on you somewhere along the line. And what we have found is that there are certain standards that just don't change. Okay. And they just don't change from generation to generation to generation. Now styles can change, Mary. Yeah. From the clothes that you wear, the shoes that you wear, to the house that you paint, to style it changes, you know. Cars are gonna change, music's gonna change. You got all these things that are changing. Yeah. But standards, the things the the principles that you choose to embrace to live by should not change. No. And I think if they do, you use the word faulty. It's like trying to build your life on a fault line. You would not do that. You would wanna make sure where you're building your life, you you build it on solid ground. Yeah. Because, you know, let me ask you a question. What do you do what do you say to the younger generation that hasn't quite embraced yet that standards and living by standards and absolutes of I know what I would say if I got invited to a gay wedding. I know what I would say if I found out a relative was gay. I know what I would do. I know what I I would know what my response would be and how I would live that out. I know what I how I respond to people who have a different political bent. I know how I believe when it comes to abortion or any very difficult topic that is a social issue today, whatever that is. I know what I believe about divorce. The the young person, what do we what do you say to them when they want to to throw back at you? You know, that's for your generation. That's an old way of thinking. That, you know, that worked for you guys. It actually didn't even work. You know, moving forward, we're embracing a new way of life. Yeah. What do you say to the next generation? Well, I'm at that season of my life where I'm gonna sit in this podcast here, and I'm gonna tell you whether it's here or on that platform what the standards are. Yeah. Now if you choose not to embrace them, god bless you. Yeah. Because I know what the outcome of not embracing those standards are gonna present. So it's almost like, you know what? Go ahead. Make your choices. Make your decisions. I'm gonna be here later Yeah. I'm not gonna lie to you. Come back and say, oh my gosh. Yeah. I should have listened. Right. Because I know, like, right now, there's something that Florida, I guess, is gonna be voting on, and it really comes down to it doesn't matter how they spin it. But there's an amendment out there that they're trying to legalize marijuana in the state of Florida. Alright? Yeah. Here's a standard that I think has to ultimately be upheld. I mean, when you look at the someone was showing me accident rates. DUIs go through the roof I bet. In states where marijuana is legalized. Well, I don't need a traffic study to tell me Yes. That smoking marijuana is gonna be good for you. That's so good. Just because it's legal, it's a standard that I know should not be adhered to because of the negative effects of it. It you're gonna get high. Yeah. All it's that's that's all it's doing. Lose brain cells. You're gonna lose brain cells. You're, it's no different than drinking. You're gonna get you keep getting drunk and it's legalized, but you you get drunk. You shouldn't be driving. It it hurts it hurts your pocketbook. Yeah. You spend too much money on alcohol. You can't stop, but you're addicted to it. You'll go broke. Right. That's all that's to it. You're spending useless money, valuable money on a useless activity if you're not controlling it. What's what's the difference? You're gonna be doing the same thing with marijuana. Oh, it allows me to chill. It allows me to deal with my anxiety. It'll wait a minute. Right. There's if you're if you're sick and you really need marijuana to calm you down because you're anxiety, may maybe there's some good counseling we should really invest into. Right. Marijuana is never gonna be the answer. No. So the standard right there is I don't care how popular it is. And listen, there's guys that come to this church. There's there's a guy that comes to this church that he and I, we hit this thing and he is like so forth and we go back and forth on it. It's like, are you crazy? Why open the door? You know, and I the enemy aspect of this, Mary. Yeah. You you open the door. Yeah. The the enemy, you give him an inch, he's gonna take a mile. Take a mile. Alright. That's that dysfunction. You open the door a little bit. Yes. It's it's gonna overwhelm you. So it could be legalized, but still it's not a standard you should adhere to. Right. If it was once illegal and now they've been forced by who knows who, what powers are pushing the legalization of it. Some are saying it's because our jails are so crowded Yeah. For people that are being arrested because they're smoking dope that they I mean It's just easier to legalize it. It's easier to legalize it. Don't put them all in prison. That's the reason for changing the standard. Right. That we don't hold people accountable for the behavior. And therefore, if it's illegal, no. Standards to me are set in stone. You live by them and you're willing to take a shot and to be criticized like some will do because of my stands right there on marijuana, that's fine. Right. On our stance for the baby in the womb, protecting that innocent life in the womb, I got it. But it's a standard that we're gonna adhere, uphold, And we will then, at the end of the day, you're gonna you and I gonna be able to put our head down on our pillow at night, and we'll go feel at peace because the standards that we adhere to that are based out of god's word are gonna bring a level of peace to our life that not having standards No. Wouldn't bring. And I I would about the issue of abortion. You know, our standard is abortions, it's a murder. We just don't believe in abortion under any circumstances, and my heart goes out to the many women that I know that have had abortions, and so many of them regret it. They didn't know. They went in ignorantly. If they could take it back, they would. My standard on what I believe with all my life Roe v Wade, abortion for as long as you need it is available for as many think about this. As many abortions as you wanna get, you can get. There's no limit. They don't say for the sake of the girl on her 4th, 5th, 10th abortion, you know, you should probably stop having so many abortions. This is going to destroy your womb. They don't ever educate women. It's just whatever works. So if we don't hold the standard of what's dangerous to our body over the long haul, what actually happens when you have an abortion and educate people, because we hold the standard of life in the womb, then you have a slippery slope in society and just because it's legal means I can. Well, that's where standards come in place. You said it with marijuana. It doesn't matter. You know, we grew up in high school, and if you smoke pot, you were a pothead. Mhmm. Right? Well, that standard has slipped. You know, now it's medical. It helps you. It's good for you at the end of the day. They're showing that their research shows that it's really good for you. Okay. Go knock yourself out. Yeah. But the truth is you're gonna be back with health problems. You might be back with tickets. You might be back where you've hurt somebody because you were hot boxing. Yes. I know that term because we smell it all the time on the street. I don't. You don't know what hot boxing is? No. And I don't care to. When they get in the car, they pull the winds up windows up. You just melt that on No. US 1. Oh my god. All the time. Cigars smoke, drops, all that up. See. And see, that's not my standard, but that's your standard. No. But but the point is Yeah. We've all gotta have standards. We have to have standards personally. We have to have standards as a nation. As a as a as a city. We have to have standards, what we accept, what we don't accept, but it definitely all begins with us. Yeah. Our personal convictions Yeah. As to what is right and what is wrong and whether it's legal or not, whether there's a republican or a democrat in the White House. Our standards do not change. Yeah. We believe what we believe, what we believe, what we believe. Yeah. And those don't change. What I find interesting, and this is the part that I wish people would grab hold of, is down the road, these standards will if you you you embrace the right kind of standards, godly standards, biblical standards, they are going to give you a life that is free of regret. Absolute best. That that's where and people just don't have that right now because they're in for the immediate gratification. They're in for what works right now. I mean, babe, you could take this standard to the way people spend money. Yeah. It's true. They just get to a place where, alright, the standard for my household is I use the credit card once or twice a week, or I use a credit for card for gas or for the grocery store. But I'm not gonna use a credit card to go get coffee. I'm not gonna use a credit card to go eat out at a restaurant Mhmm. Because they have proven that when money actually leaves your hand, you feel the void of it immediately as opposed to just putting something on credit card. It's very true. And if you feel the pain of cash going out of your hand enough, you'll say, wait a minute. I can't keep going out to eat all the time. Little simple standards That's right. That will help you. You know when you're gonna appreciate that little standard of cash and credit is as time goes on and you wanna buy a house Yeah. You're gonna have more money in your savings account to be able to put down as a down payment Right. If you go with that whole standard of this is what I'm gonna spend use my credit card for, and this is what I want. Right. Because there's some people that go out there. They can't they have 0 in savings right now because they carry such a high credit card indebtedness, because they just don't have a standard of spending. Right. What is your standards? Moral? What's your standards that you embrace morally? What are your standards that you embrace in your family? The way you talk to each other. Right. Things that come out of your mind. What are your standards? Hey. How about cussing? Are are you the kind of person that has zero standards for the way that you speak Right. And talk even when you get mad? Or do you just there are no standards, and the f bomb is fine for you and your household. Wow. Let your kids keep hearing that. Right. And what kind of potty mouth you're gonna start to raise? There's standards that have to be embraced, and you gotta be strong enough to embrace them and protect them and then defend them. This is a great conversation. We could talk for another hour on this alone. Because I think gotta stop? Well, we're over time. Mary? See that? That was you not me. Flew by. It was amazing. I wanted to be said on this podcast that this was my concept. Oh, lord. And I noticed that whenever I have a concept, Alan, and it's like a a subject that I really wanna talk about, he ends up I mean, he's cold. He doesn't even I don't mean your personality is cold. I mean, this concept is not yours. It's mine. But you have more to say about it than I do. Have you noticed that? Wow. That's a very standard to set. Throw your husband on the bus like that. I thought it was a see, you don't even hear it right. You don't even hear it right. It was a compliment. Since this is your concept, why don't you close this out? Because I'm not good at that. You're not? Thank you for joining us for another episode of the family business with the Alessi. Did I do it right? You got it right. Did I do it right? Hey, listen. Let everybody know about this podcast. Share it. Put it on all your feeds. 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