How to Build a Strong Marriage by Growing and Adapting Together | S7 E25

Are you struggling to keep your marriage relationship fresh and healthy despite life's constant challenges?

In this powerful episode, Steve and Mary Alessi share a conversation with long-time friends David and Mory Martinez. Drawing on over 70 years of combined experience as married couples, they tackle subjects like embracing change, aligning personal goals, and the delicate balance between career ambition and family unity.

You'll gain insights into the power of covenant relationships and the importance of laying down personal desires for unified dreams. 

This episode challenges conventional ideas about individual growth and will show you  key elements of successful, long-lasting marriages, so that you're not just surviving, but genuinely thriving together. 

Transcript

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A lot of times, it is the girl. It is the woman. She's, you know, she's raised by a single mom and she's told go to school, get your career, don't depend on a man, you gotta make it happen for yourself. So she's out there striving and what what young husband can keep up with that? Hello, and thank you for joining us for another episode of the family business with the Alessis because family is everybody's business. I decided to bring in some more family to help us talk about healthy and happy marriages. And today, David and Mori Martinez, forty long years of marriage are joining us around the table. Mary and I, just a measly thirty seven years. We're a baby. Not too bad. We're babies. We're all doing it. But guys, your your your story, if people would join us up at camp Yes. And go to Goodfellas camp, humanity camp. You're part of the leadership, but you're also part of helping our our our men and women by telling your story. And if people just knew your story, they would love you even more. I mean, they already love and respect you, but to see what you've been able to navigate through as a couple, the truth is you should not be on this platform together. That's true. Am I right? Yeah. You're right. You're right. I'm not gossiping. Nope. You're telling the truth. Telling the truth. Yeah. But you are. So it's phenomenal and helping people understand that, you know, this is real down to earth people, went to hell and back, stayed in there, fought for each other, and here you are, people in this church, couples in this church say, I wanna be just like David Amore. It's pretty cool. So today on the podcast, let's talk about, growth and adapting. How important it is to growing as a couple, growing as individuals through having to adapt and change, because change is a dirty word. We don't like to think we can do it. And the last time most men changed anything, it's when their mommy changed them their diaper. Because we once we set our sights on something, it's hard for us to change. So all of us around the table, let's talk about the importance of that. So first off, how do we grow individually while also growing as a couple? How do we do that? And I'm just gonna kick it off to you, David. Help me out with that. You know, listen. I think it's it's it's one of those things that it has to start with the marriage being a covenant relationship, just like a relationship with your pastors is covenant. When it's a covenant, there's there's no going back. So when you know that there's no out, it's amazing what human nature will do to adapt. Mhmm. When you know there's no escape, when you when you take that in your mind, you say, I'm not getting out of this relationship, and then so I've gotta do something to to make this work, because people go in and they get married out of love. And it's love and it's lust and it's, oh my gosh. And they think that love is what sustains the covenant, And it's exactly the opposite. It's covenant that sustains the love Yeah. Because love is an action. It's it's a work. It's not a feeling. And, so I think it's important for individuals because listen. Whenever there's a marriage, it's basically two sinners getting married. Yeah. So now I have two sinners in the same bed. Right. Yeah. I mean, that's what the Bible tells us. Yeah. And so we you know, to be able to understand that individually, like, to say, I I've gotta be in order to be the best husband I can be, I've gotta be the best individual I can be. So taking the time to understand, whether it's personality test, whether it's all these other things that make you tick. What are my habits? What are my good habits? What are my bad habits? What are these things? For for me to bring into the marriage and make make this a better marriage, I have to be a better person Mhmm. Which means you have to humble yourself. You have to you have to be ready to make a change. And like you said, men hate change. Mhmm. But we love the results, and we love rewards. And so in order to get there, it really starts individually. But you have to have a common goal and a common purpose too for your marriage, whether that's, you know, being parents, whether it's serving, whether it's running a ministry. Yeah. And, and I'll let Morrie say a little bit more because you had mentioned this earlier about Goodfellas and humanity and and how important that is, but how it also comes together. Well, first, I feel bad for men because you guys do not change much. Mm-mm. Like, over the forty years of marriage, David's I could predict how David's gonna react, how he's going to respond Really true. He's going to act something out. And we spend as women Oh my word. Changing, changing, changing, changing, changing. We were just happy You never know what you're gonna get. You never know what you're gonna get, and it could change tomorrow. Mhmm. And it's gonna be a big change. We don't change, little by little either. So when you say you you feel bad for men, you feel sorry for men because of the women. Because of women. Because for us, it's simple. I mean, it doesn't change much, but for you guys, so much is happening in our minds and our bodies. And from season to season, it's, it's abrupt and it's major. It's not simple. So sorry for that. But regarding, good fan, good fellows and womanity, I think for me growing as an individual is being around women and being part of that ministry for the past thirty some years and David as well. And it's not just a camp. It started way before the camp and the women that I chose to want to be like Mhmm. And the women that I knew were gonna make me accountable and not just have fun with me. Right. Right? So that's super important when it comes to that. Now, Mary, you know, people say, that it's easy to grow apart, and it is. There's there's some people that do grow apart, and that's the whole idea of the individual wanting to grow, but the marriage stands stagnant. So so how are we able to personally say, I wanna grow in an area, but not allow it to negatively affect the marriage so that we don't grow apart? How how do we do that? Well, I think if your pursuit is for your career, if you're striving for something, you have this great dream that only includes you, don't get married. Because the minute you get married, you are now taking, you said it, the word covenant, and the responsibility to have a unified dream and a career goal. I I can tell you, because I've told you this before and I've also walked it out, where you go, I go. Right. How high you dream is how high I dream. I don't ever get too far out ahead because this is about you and me. It's not about an individual desire. And you are the head of our home, and you're the same way. So if you find yourself where you're being pulled in a direction and your spouse, maybe they're the ball and chain, and that's how you see them, then you're not putting them in the right perspective as the blessing that God has meant for them to be in your life. And I think we, when David said two sinners are in that same bed, it's so true because one of the main sins I think that we commit is one of being selfish, being a very selfish person, and we all have to battle selfishness. We have to destroy that. And, again, if you're selfish, just identify that and don't get married. Mhmm. I told Lauren the other day, we do a lot of walks around the neighborhood and we talk about her future person and getting married and all of that. And so, you know, we we come up with so many great things that we say about marriage, and it's just so great to bounce it off of her because she's single, wanting to get married. And I said, you know, Lauren, one of the worst things you can do when you get married is not to not already be a person that calls yourself out. Because if you're gonna wait for your precious, poor spouse to get into your life and they're the first person that ever had the chutzpah to tell you the truth because you don't receive truth, you didn't receive it from your mom, you didn't receive it from your dad, you didn't receive it from your sister, your family member, not even your boss, and then you get married and you have these ideals for yourself and you bring this person in and it's self serving rather than a partnership, that poor spouse that is the first person that has to deliver truth, you're not gonna hear. Yeah. Don't let them be that first person that tells you the truth. Be a person that says, I have taken those personality tests. I am fully aware of my weaknesses and my strengths, and I am open for correction and I'm open for direction. And I'm not trying to live out here making my own dreams come true. Yeah. Because that's dangerous. We see that a lot. Mhmm. We see it a lot. Listen, it's it's not just men. A lot of times, it is the girl. It is the woman. She's, you know, she's raised by a single mom and she's told go to school, get your career, don't depend on a man, you gotta make it happen for yourself. So she's out there striving. And what what young husband can keep up with that? So those are the dangers, I think, when we're not understanding that to grow and to adapt, to stay married, you have to lay down some of your own desires. Yeah. I don't think that's bad either. Someone look at that and think, oh, are you kidding? I gotta give up my dream for that. No. What dream is there in forty years, thirty seven years? We know how life is. We come to this part in our life. No. Imagine pursuing this dream, but yet losing this. To do it alone? Worth it? No. Yeah. And I think many people, especially in their careers, because whether you're a stay at home mom, somebody's grown in a career, and you come home, and you could look at that as not an honorable profession, which is the hardest thing because we know we're out there working because we couldn't do it. There's no way. And then and especially if you go out and you have two different professions as well, if honestly, it's it's priority. Mhmm. Because if if your profession is more important than your partner, then you you have a problem Yeah. Because you won't make wise decisions Right. Because you're chasing something that you're not chasing together. Mhmm. It it really is a it's a big deal, especially in in the last, say, twenty or thirty years with so many women in the marketplace and women having these career advancements. And it's really difficult for a man if the woman is out front Mhmm. And and running and not doing it as a team. Yeah. Right. And so, I mean, we've spoken to people before. You have to be careful with your career and making those decisions because that decision, a career cannot come first. Yeah. Because you'll never be happy. David, talk about that because that could be that could be controversial. Yeah. You know? Of course. And I am I'm we're in both total agreement. But talk about that a little bit because that is true. When you put that profession, even as as a woman, a man does it, he sacrifices family. Right. Women can do it too. Is it really worth the sacrifice? So talk to talk about that for a minute. Well, I think listen. It it goes back to what's your what's your endgame? What's your your common goal? I mean, if I'm sitting there, with a lot of money, but I have a broken marriage, which is 70% of our country. Right. Yeah. People that have wealth, their marriages are are a wreck, because they that was their priority. I think pastor Mary said it well. If that's your priority, then don't get married. Don't get married. Because you're gonna ruin two lives. Yes. Not just yours, somebody else's. Yeah. And even the Bible says, woe unto that one that dragged somebody else down. Yeah. And when we look at that in that perspective, if we're really thinking in a godly term, God's the one that brings wealth. Mhmm. He's gonna open that opportunity. We can turn down some really good opportunities that we should turn down. Yeah. You know, some of the best jobs we are the ones we never got. Yep. And you don't find it out until it's too late. So so true. True. I I can't help but think of the landmine excuse me. Landman Oh. Episode where Jerry Jones is talking to this billionaire that's had, like, 20 heart attacks. He's in the hospital room, and Jerry Jones, the owner of the Dallas Cowboys football team Mhmm. Yep. Is talking to him about who is going to be in the room Yep. When you're laid up in the bed ready to say your final goodbyes. One of the best scenes of TV If you haven't watched it this. You have to go Google it, figure it out, find it. It's a great scene, but it's saying that very thing Yes. That if you're gonna build your life as a person that's focused on their career, but you do it without bringing your family along with you and especially your spouse, because the kids are gonna go out and do their thing, but your spouse is gonna be home with you. If you're doing that, ultimately, it's a very sad existence. Another show we're watching is Selfridge, mister Selfridge. Selfridge Selfridges? Selfridges. Selfridges or something. He built this phenomenal department store for high end buyers in England. Mhmm. And Woolworth, remember the Woolworth Yeah. Kinda like the five and dime Yeah. Early on, comes to build a store as well in the same area. And they were friends, but they were competitors. And so mister Selfridge was a little intimidated because Woolworth was moving in, and Woolworth had all he had the personality. He had the mental, business mindset that he was gonna make a success. But his wife shared earlier in the episode that she wasn't happy about the growth because it was pulling them apart. So when it finally comes time for him to do his grand opening, he says to Selfridge, I'm delaying it. I'm not gonna do it. Why? He asks. Says because my wife, my family, I need to take care of my wife. And he makes that same kind of impression. All the success in business doesn't do us any good if it's at the expense of our marriage. And I think, ultimately, what we're saying, growing on our own is beautiful, but if we don't have our spouse helping us do that or going with us, being willing to say, hey, will you lead, I will follow. What you feed, I will swallow. I think you neglect the fact of the reality that you still have a lot of life to live after you're exhausted from doing, running that race and building that career. And that day is going to come and what do you have? And you built this incredible, whatever it is, but if it's been at the risk or at the sake of losing a spouse or your children, when it's all said and done, you're sitting there all by yourself having built something big. Yeah. But you have no one to share it with. And that's why, you know, going back to understanding growth and adapting to things, all of us, every one of us sitting around this table, we're strong and we have dreams individually and things that we would love to see. I remember, Maureen and I, when you guys lived in the house down south, I'll never forget this. I don't know if I was dropping kids off because our kids always did school together. We they wanted the same school, so I would drop somebody off or she'd drop one of my kids off, and we would always talk after school for a few minutes. And I remember we would process with each other her having a translation job where she'd work with her sister and it was very profitable, but it meant being away from her family and me being on the road traveling and singing. But it it was profitable, but it meant being away from our children. And it was so good for us to have each other, but God at the center. Because both of you guys, you're dreamers too. And you said it, reward and an end result is was is really all you needed to go. This is good. Go. Yeah. Go do it. But we worked together to make sure that we weren't putting anybody at risk. I didn't wanna sing and you'd be happy with it and I'm traveling and I'm gone, but my third needed me and I'm not there. You know, at the end of the day, we can sit back and say, we made good decisions because we stayed balanced. We made balanced decisions. We said no to a lot of things because we did decide to have children. We did decide to put our kids first and to put our ministry first. I look at our lives now and all of us, both of us, have so much to show for it because we we grew with it. We adapted. But in that growing and adapting, we did make some sacrifices to some things that we would have loved to have done and maybe really flourished at. Yeah. Yeah. For for what? Yeah. I think there's a balance. I think it's I think it comes with seasons. I mean, even in business and I think where people fail is they fail to put an end to the season. Yeah. To wanna put an end to the season. Right. And you because when you make a decision to say, okay. This is gonna separate me for her time, but it has a reward at the end. It's gonna benefit everybody. I've gotta I've got to have where that season ends. That's good. That's good. If it doesn't if it doesn't work in that amount of time Yeah. This is what how long I'm willing to put into that season. That's really good. Because people look back in our workplace today. They've been at a place for twenty five years, and they're miserable. Mhmm. And they turn around. They go, how did I get here? Yes. And they got there because they didn't put an end game to say, okay. This is this is how much I'm willing to sacrifice to make this this part of this dream happen. Yeah. Doesn't happen in this at the end of the season, then it wasn't it wasn't meant to be my dream. Yeah. Because it it's going to affect my family and my kids. That's right. That's right. Maybe the favorite word is intentionality. Yeah. So if we were to ask that question, you know, how do we grow, without sacrificing the family? I think that's a big thing that you just said there, knowing that there are seasons that are needed and then respecting those seasons and being aware of them. And then asking even God, you know, what will be our next season? What what should I be looking for? And I think God stirs that on the stirs that up on the inside of us. But being able to come to the table, husband and wife, and talk about it is so very important. So, Maureen, let me ask you this question. How do does a couple keep their marriage evolving and not being stagnant since we're talking about growth and so forth? What do you think can help us there? Well, we're very routine people. We said it earlier. But for me is to lean into David's spontaneity. Because he is the person that wants to do the crazy thing. Yep. And I would be the person resisting the crazy thing because I like my routine and my comfort. So when David says after church, let's go to Miami Beach and have lunch on the water. We're gonna do that instead of going to the local Doral restaurant or the restaurant, you know, near our house. So I think that's one way of doing is to lean into your spouse's, gift that is not yours, and that's how you keep it that way. Yeah. But but I also think it's a it's it's it's a balance too there because even though I have the idea, she's a planner. Mhmm. So she's not just gonna go, I'll go and drive up and down the beach, find a restaurant, just go to it just because it's on the beach. Her, she's on let me find the one with the highest rating. Yeah. Yeah. Let's look at the menu. That's a plan. Let's do that. And we're in the car on the way there, and then we we shake gears. And we shift gears into that. I'm like, okay. I don't care. It's food. We're as long as we're on the water Yeah. Yeah. As long as it's that that was the goal. Yeah. And I think if we take that approach and use each other's gifting and each other's leanings and be able to do that together, it used to drive me crazy. Yeah. I'm like, because then she'd be on the the the phone the whole time looking. What's the best one? Well, let me read this 37 ratings here. Let me read the and not read the good ones. Let me read the bad ones. Yeah. Okay. So, you know, and you said drive me crazy, but then I realized how many times we've had such an incredible meal that I would've never found. Right. Yeah. How many times and when we travel as a family, she spent months finding the perfect house for all of us to stay together, the perfect wedding that plans it all out, and it's a beautiful thing. Yeah. And so when you combine that with it, I think it's what God says. When when we're together as one Yeah. We're so much more powerful than than we are individually. Yeah. They we do complete each other. So, So, Mary, what about you evolving? How do how do we manage to evolve as a couple and not grow stagnant? Wow. You know, that is that is something that even right now in real time, you and I are processing. Because as you get older and things change Don't know why I'm crying. Yeah. Menopause. Thank you, Menopause. Appreciate you. Your kids get older, they move out, and you really do have to go back to your first love. I know the Bible says that go back to your first love and let the fires burn again. I think that is something that we intentionally do, and it and it really does get down to, having good friends in your life that share in the experience and let you know you're not crazy. This is normal. This is what you deal with. That's why the village is so important. That's why getting in a church is so important. Getting around people that have like minds and the same expected ends. You wanna live, be married for forty years, get around people that wanna be married forty years too and do life together because it isn't an easy cake walk. You do have to kind of not redesign your marriage. You really kinda have to go back to why you got married and remind yourself that you really loved one another. And that that can take some work. Yeah. But knowing that what stirs that up the greatest is to serve each other and it it things change, but really nothing ever changes. You know, I I love spontaneity too. And I can remember I've told this story before that when we first got married, I went from my mom and dad's house. I never had money. If I had it, I it was in my pocket, it fell out, but I never had money. And then I get married and I'm I'm married to a penny pincher and he's, you know, I'm like, I just wanna go get ice cream. And he would say, we're not going for ice cream. We can't afford ice cream. And I remember I'd say to him, you're not my dad. You can't tell me what to do. And we would fight and have these arguments. And the truth is, it is those just those little things that made you boyfriend and girlfriend. Yeah. You know? That it it's so good to just tap back into that, and I'm guilty of not doing that. I'm guilty of making the night with I've got my mom hat on, and I'm way more concerned about what the kids are doing or what they're feeling. And sometimes I just need to go, you're on your own. What do you wanna do? Let's go get ice cream for you and me. And I and I have to stir that back up because as a mom, you know, we just we take in the oxygen of everyone and all their needs. Dads don't do that. You know, if the kids are good financially and they're at peace, good. I did my job. Me, I'm thinking about all the things they don't have and all their feelings and their pain, and I wear that and I carry that. And then I go, just being honest, we're all married here. We're all adults here. Go to get in bed at night. And the last thing I wanna do is have sex because I've so emotionally taken on and to grow and adapt at this season of our marriage. I mean, that part of things can get difficult too because of just how you feel about yourself. And you have to go, wait a minute. I have to tell myself, he still loves me the same. He still sees me the same. I have to dump all these burdens and all these fears. I can't I am not responsible to continue to carry the burdens of my adult children. It's you and me, baby. We've gotta stir this up. We've gotta make this fun. We've gotta lean into one another. And I don't know if I've answered the question. I feel like I have. I feel like I I I feel like I've just Well, no. I feel better. It's a therapy session. It it does it does pay to be married to a person that is more fun, exciting when when you're the planner Yeah. And the penny pincher, and you want all of those things. Yeah. Because we may bark on the front end. Oh my god. Really? We're gonna do that? No. But when here here's how I'm finding it later in life because I was the no person for the longest time, especially when there was no money. It was like, forget it. No. We're not doing this. No. We're not doing that. She'd wanna do it and frustrate the heck out of her, and it was always no. But what I'd found is if I could just give way a a little bit to say, okay. I don't really wanna do this, but I do like the result of it. I just don't wanna do the work that's leading up to it to figure out how to pay for it or adjust the calendar or go ahead and leave a few days out of the office. It's not gonna hurt. Once I'm there, that's when I usually say to the whole family, like, stop for a minute, guys. The reason we're in this snow right now is because your mom Yeah. He does. Said, let's do this. Yeah. I I That's true. I appreciate it, and I want the kids to know that just because I didn't do it I mean, we wouldn't if it's up to me, we wouldn't be here, but because she did it. Appreciate that about your partner. And that's huge for me Yeah. When he says that. That goes a long way. And and that's even helped me over the years when we would get to certain places and things were not planned because Maury didn't help us plan them. I said, did you talk to Maury? Did you talk to Maury? You should and things were planned. It it let me sit back and say, you know what? That's okay. That's not the planning aspect. I shoulda jumped in and handled that part because she's the idea. Big picture. Let's go do that. Have fun. So I'm the planner. Maybe I should help with this. And, again, though, I think part of our conversation today is being aware that life can't stay the same, and your marriage shouldn't stay the same. It will grow stagnant. Right. But both partners just need to be okay with you know what? My husband turned 60. He's taking up golf like he's never taken up golf before. Right. So I'm a throw him a surprise party at 50 at a nice luxurious country club. We're all gonna wear green masters jackets to celebrate this new season of his life before he was a hacker. Now the guy's a ringer. He's learned how to play. He's put his focus on it. And for him, that really meant something. That little change of life and to have a spouse that's willing to say, let me get on board with that change is so beautiful because when she wants to go through some measure of change, because he recognizes what she did for him, he will now be willing to do it. And it's it's just being sensitive, keeping the pulse on each other, and and the thing that may cause a certain irritation, be willing to say, you know what? That may benefit me in the long run. It surely isn't gonna be a deal breaker Yeah. Because it's gonna pay dividends later. Where you're so involved as women with the kids when they're around, They give you a lot of your emotional charges and excitement, whatever. Yeah. When those kids are gone, who do you get it from? It's gonna come back to the man. Well, here's the caution really is that if you don't do that in a young marriage, you you get into a routine and a way of of living and when the kids leave and this is why so many people get divorced after their grown kids leave the house Yeah. Is because one or both focus so much on everything with the kids and not each other. It's true. That and we have to be cautious about it because we go into it because we have two children that live out of town and four grandchildren that live out of town. So when they come in town, it's all about them, and which is great, and we love it, and we show that. But when when they leave and we leave the airport and the sounds of silence are are depressing It it is. And you walk by the room and it's empty, and you so if you and if you're not careful, you it will cause, friction in in in your in your marriage because one have something some other outlet that particular time, the other one doesn't have an outlet. And if you don't have each other and you haven't put those things in place, it's really hard to do it later in life Yeah. Because you haven't built a foundation. With each other. With each other. Yeah. And so, really, it's it's important for young couples about being spontaneous and doing other things and leaving the kids with a babysitter Right. Knowing they're gonna be okay and not making everything about the kids because it's not good for the kids either. No. It's not. And it's hard because especially if you have kids in sports and you're a sports guy, and you're like, I mean, all you wanna do is watch your kid play sports. It's not good. And but, you know, that that dies, and then all of a sudden, you you realize that you ten years later, it's not that you wasted that time. Sports are good for kids. It's good to teach them teamwork and do all the other stuff that builds character. But not seeing a character at home, when they leave, then all of a sudden you're looking at each other like, what do we do now? Exactly. Changes come. I see them every ten years for me. So changes come, and, I'm grateful that, we're all able to stick with each other through the crazy changes that life has. And and it is funny because Mary and I will look at each other sometimes, and the kids have their schedule and all their planning. We're like, okay. This is why we gotta stay close to David and Maury and, man. We gotta have somebody else to hang with because the kids are not gonna always wanna hang with us, and they can't hang with us. They need to go hang with their friends and develop those friendships that they want in their life. But those changes are so important. I guess you gotta anticipate them. I don't like that that whole thing they put out there. It's like even when it comes to intimacy, like, your intimacy can be so boring because it becomes a routine. Yeah. There's certain things, realistically speaking, are gonna be routine in a person's life. Yeah. Okay. You you you gotta anticipate the routine. At the same time, anticipate some changes. Mhmm. Yeah. Life changes. You said it. Women, especially. Mhmm. Those changes that hit hormonally Mhmm. Happens with men too. Testosterone wise, our fluids leak out over the years, and we go through some changes. Wow. So we we all have to do with the a regular engine. It causes a rattle when you move. Alright. Listen. We hope that you have enjoyed this episode of the family business with the Alessis, and having the Martinez with us around the table has been super nice. I will tell you this. If you have any questions for real, maybe you just wanna be able to follow-up or have us follow-up with another episode to answer some of your questions. Right in the show notes, you'll be able to find the number there that will allow you to go ahead and send us over via text some questions, and we'll be glad to answer them on an upcoming episode. Thanks for joining us. God bless. You've just enjoyed another episode of the family business podcast with the Alessis, and we can't thank you enough for being a part of our podience today. Now that you've learned more about us, here's how you can join in in the family business. First, make sure you're following our podcast right now, and download this episode so you can hear it at any time. Second, think of someone you know that might need or enjoy this episode and share it with them. You'll be helping them and helping us to spread the word about the family business. Third, go to alesseefamilybusiness.com and tap the ask the a lessee's button. This is really cool. You could use it to record a voicemail comment or question, and we can add your voice to our conversations. 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