Cell Phone Kids: How to Steer Your Child Toward Healthy Phone Habits | S7 E32

Tired of trying to get your kids off their phones and back into reality? 

Maybe the answer isn't just taking away our children's devices. 

Are our children's obsessions with their devices actually a sign of dysfunction or lackluster engagement at home? 

In this powerful episode, Steve and Mary Alessi share some interesting perspectives on how to re-shape your approach toward technology and your kids' social environment.

Discover how to guide your children toward healthier interactions, both with their phones and within their family.

Chapters

• 0:00 Coming Up In This Episode
• 2:05 Text TFB
• 6:50 Is It The Phone Or The Parents?
• 13:56 Keep Up With The Culture
• 19:06 Don't Shame Your Kids
• 26:35 Call Them Up Not Call Them Out
• 30:15 Create Quality Time

Transcript

0:00

We have to work super hard. If if we can connect with our kids, then our connection, naturally, they're gonna go to what is real and what is healthy. And they're gonna wanna connect with us, which is gonna drive them away from their phone, at least some. Okay. Well Hello, and welcome to another episode of the family business with the Alessis, where family is everybody's business. And today, it's Mary and Steve that's in the podcast booth, and Mary looks like an Easter egg. I do. I do. I have a pink vest on and green pants. I don't know what I was thinking. Hey. I think it's a great look. Everybody has seen how many. Well, I've gotten a lot of different comments today on my outfit. Yeah. What did one call you? Well, Alan said that I look like his mother's sorority or something like that. That How old your mother trouble wearing this because of her and then, Rebecca said that I look like Wicked. I'm, Glenda on top and Elphaba on the bottom. I don't know. I liked it. It's It's a good look. It's Easter. It's the week of Easter that I just date the podcast when I said that. Oh, that's good. We'll edit that out. Well, I'm in the lazy man's, shirt today. How many times have you worn that shirt today? Right. We've made some new Goodfellas merch. Yes. And they are what do they call these? Zipper three quarter? Three quarter inch. Is that it? It's a good look. Yeah. Three quarter zip, three quarter zip. I don't know. Something like that. Something like that. And, every all the guys like them in the office. So we're wearing them all the time. Very easy. It's it went from a really great shirt to a uniform. Looks good. It does. All right. So all of that to say, you should be watching us on YouTube, not just listening to us. You might wanna go ahead and check us out on YouTube because we've got over 4,000 subscribers We sure do. Viewers on YouTube, and we would love for you to subscribe. If you have any, man, questions you wanna ask us, you wanna get any updates, you can do so at texting us at family to(302) 524-0800. Take that number down. (302) 524-0800. Alright. Let's talk family. Our audience is growing because we talk family. We talk family. Yep. Here in some good things about, how the show is impacting family. So here's here's something that I'd like us to talk about today, Mary, because on occasion, I will rant and rave about the evils of cell phones. Yeah. On occasion. On occasion. And makes me frustrated, to see young people, especially like when you go to a restaurant or something. Yeah. Couples on their phones all the time. But I've also seen moms and dads on their phones as well. And, I've been guilty every so often of being bored for a movie or something getting on my phone. But here here's the thing. What we do is we make the phone the taboo. We say that there's so much bad. Right. That the phone is just introducing people to, your young people to, that that's the reason why they need to stay off their phone. It's because it's corrupting them. The phone is corrupting them. And yet what we've been seeing recently is another viewpoint of it that I think is pretty good. Yeah. And it could be, worth a conversation or at least a mindset to to process. Alright? Because phones really are they're a great addition to our lives. Yeah. They are. They're a lot of help. There's a lot of good in our cell phones. We communicate rapidly with our cell phones. We work from them. We work from them. That's right. Yeah. We get information at the drop of a hat. We, work from them, check emails, text, take phone calls. Our phones are really a great addition. Everybody's got them. And we carry them everywhere, even to the bathroom. To the bathroom. We can track each other. We track each other's movements. I know where dad is. Yeah. Thank you. So we can't make phones the bad deal, the broken man. Yeah. We've got to go back and ask ourselves this question. And this was the other viewpoint that I think is pretty powerful. And that is why would our kid go and revert to this private world of their phone and maybe even gaming? Why? Yeah. And what some are telling us is they're saying they're choosing the phone and their private world because the public world in the home is so dysfunctional. Yeah. And there's too much pain there. Mhmm. Or there's not enough engagement there. There's there's not enough communication. There's not enough, caring. Fair family interest Sure. Public home so they revert to the private world of their phone. What do you think about that? I definitely think that's an interesting take on that because we have for so long said it's technology that's killing this next generation. And the truth is we we we didn't have iPhones, but we had radios and we had cassette decks and we had things that would cause us to wanna retreat to our rooms. We had magazines and books and, we didn't have access to the outside world like the phone gives us. But I guess that's a great way to see it. It's really the same thing no matter what the technology or the tool is. If a kid is allowed to become introverted and isolate or wants to rather than be out in the social environment of the home, maybe there's not as much going on in the home Yeah. And it's an easy it's an easy cop out for that kid. Mhmm. I think that's a really great way to to look at it. It it it it's easy to blame technology because then we as parents don't have to take full responsibility. Yeah. Because we don't wanna take phones away. I know that the state of Florida has been discussing banning phones in schools. Mhmm. A lot of parents have fought over it and argued over it, because they wanna be their kid to have access. Well, I was thinking about that. When we were in school, you went down to the front office and called your parent. Yeah. You know, whatever. So it's definitely something to consider and think about and really search our souls as families and parents Mhmm. And find out is the phone the cop out, and how what's the payoff for us as a parent that our kids are in their rooms on their phones, and maybe we put some guardrails up, but we don't realize what comes first, the chicken or the egg. Is it the phone or is it the fact that we as parents aren't keeping an eye and we're allowing them to isolate? I guess that's the point, right? Yeah. There's always boundaries that people should put up with regard to their phones. Chris and Rochelle, they have a little box by their front door. It's kind of cute where they walk in, put their phone in the box, and it's an automated thing. It's electronic. It lets, you know, it'll ring when the phone's been there for so long. And they reward each other for each other off the phone. Yeah, it's kind of cute. It's great. It's setting up boundaries that they have to set up, they want to set up in their home. But, we want to help families. So because we're all about the family, we just showed a video this weekend in one of our service environments where we celebrated legacy. And I sat there looking at that brought tears to my eyes because to me, if you can say Steve Alessi was about anything, I would want it to be that right there. Yeah. I want people to succeed in their careers. I really do. I want them to have the the best work, the best job. I really do. However, over all of that for me is when a man can look over his life and see that his kids are happy and then his children's children are happy. That legacy Oh, yeah. Played out. And Oh, yeah. That's what gives me the greatest charge. So we saw that. So we wanna help families. Yeah. So if we're looking at a family that's got a kid that feels more comfortable in their private world than they do the public world of their home, What could be causing that? Well, I I think one thing that parents do, and we had to fight hard as a family, is maybe they don't set the right tone in the home. Maybe the right tone isn't set. Because if it's, maybe a single parent that's feeling guilty or has a job that's so all consuming and trying to take care of their son and daughter, whatever the circumstances might be, that it's just very easy. You're so exhausted to just get home and the kids are there and they're in their house. And you think, okay. They're in their room on their phone. They're safe. They're not out. Mhmm. But that's not the case. If they're isolated on their phone, they're not safe. Yeah. And setting the environment for no matter how tired you are as a parent, if you've got kids, you gotta parent your kids. Yeah. You you you're gonna have to give up some things to not have kids that you lose at some point in life. And then you have this major problem at home because your kid's addicted to porn or gets involved with somebody on Mhmm. On social media. I mean, there's so many ramifications to what can happen, the bullying situation that goes on. And I think the offset to that is to create environments in the home Mhmm. That are fun, that are off technology Yeah. And have those timelines where from from this time to this time, no technology at all. We're gonna put the technology away and not from a punishment, we can't trust you. It's like this is what our family does. We're gonna create some fun. We're gonna do something. We're gonna buy bikes. We're gonna go ride bikes. We can be creative when we wanna be, But I think the whole point of that is you've gotta offer something to your child in place of technology because this has everything on it. Games and magazines and culture battles. Everything's on this phone. Well, here's here's an issue. If you've got a breakdown in the living room of communication, if you're not talking to your kid around the dinner table, you know, communication breakdowns are a big cause of an unhealthy home environment that could send your kid to their phone. Yeah. Because they're communicating with somebody, you know, they're just not communicating you. They're talking to friends, maybe even strangers, but they're not talking talking to you. I was in the service yesterday, and I met a family. And it was grandparents, and they had a granddaughter there that was in her 20s. And I could tell in an instant that she was a gamer. How could you tell? Just had this look. Had this look of isolation. Yeah. It's a presence A world all on their own that nobody else is included. Not comfortable in the space she was in right there. Didn't really know how to necessarily communicate in that space with me. And talk to human beings. Yeah. Yeah. More comfortable like the vampire look of the night coming out. It just seemed that, but in this other world. Right. Not the world that is real. Right. And I could tell in a second. So I started to talk to the person and I asked them what they did. They shared with me what they did for, you know, their what they wanna do with their life. And it was unique. And and I happened to mention anime. And when they lit up when I mentioned anime Because you knew. They was like, okay, I'm on to something here. Come on now. And I could tell, you know, that the grandparents with maybe the age, there's a disconnect here. So it was almost like, let me bring this, my daughter to this environment so that she can get help. And you can see the big generational gap. And there's a lack of communication going on. So I'm talking to the young person and I'm saying, Why don't you come out to this group? And she's like, Oh, I'm kind of shy. I said, Wait, wait, you're doing a great job talking to me. Yeah. You're communicating right here with me. What I'm saying is, we have to work super hard. If we can connect with our kids, then our connection, naturally, they're going to go to what is real and what is healthy. And they're going to want to connect with us, which is going to drive them away from their phone, at least some. Okay. Well, I think the great point you're making, we have to hold on a little bit here, is the fact that you, who are also a grandparent, not of teenagers, but you knew what anime was. So right there, that's crazy. You're not allowing your age to disconnect you from the culture, and you're at least aware. And I was gonna say this. It's so funny you brought that up because I was gonna say, one thing that we never did, I didn't, and you by default never did, was let our kids believe that somehow we were ignorant on what this generation was up to. Like, we never use the language. Well, you kids today I'll give you an example. The fact that you knew anime blew her mind, I'm sure, or his mind, whoever it was you're talking to. It closes the gap of understanding. And so you're not dismissed as an old fuddy duddy, right, which a lot of parents do. You and I, we made sure to the very best of our ability that we stayed as current as we could and were interested in what our kids liked and what they were into. And even to this day because what what happens is when you bring up their favorite singer, man, I heard Justin Bieber such and such. What what did you hear? You're immediately connected with your kid. Mhmm. And that culture, you know, current culture thing, phenomena that's going on isn't something they're hiding from you and only talking about on their phones when they're away with their friends, texting their friends. But now they're coming into the kitchen and mom's talking about it while she's chopping up carrots. Well, I heard They're gonna roll their eyes when you do it. But they they're blown away that you even to this day with our young adults with the Justin actually, no. Yeah. Justin Baldoni and Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds situation. Man, we can get together and start talking about that, and I'll know more than they know. Is this the story of us? See? This is us. You know. This is us. You know. Stupid. I'm tired of hearing y'all talk about that stupid But can I say that if that brings you together with your teenager Yeah? Because our kids are getting older now. They're like, please do not bore me with all that stuff. Mom, you know, all that's a trap. But when they were younger, we really made an effort to not be those old out of touch fuddy duddy parents. We could have cared less about Justin Bieber or anybody else they were enthralled with. All of that to say, you know, you're you're at a level now where you're speaking their language. And you need to attempt to do that. That just causes them to say, okay, like last night, for instance, you and Lauren wanted to watch a show. I thought it was the stupidest show. I tried to watch it. You had more curse words in your show than I watch in any of my shows. No, it's not true. Yeah. I will prove it. Okay. So y'all are sitting there watching this show and I'm thinking, why would Mary want to watch this show? And you may really have been interested, but it seemed like you were more interested in spending time and sharing space with Lauren. It's to connect with your To connect. In a sense that that is like a point, a place of communication. Well, I do like it. You have sports to connect with Christopher. Okay. Okay? Me and the girls don't we don't have that. Right. So half of the year, you can connect through something where you can talk to Chris other than shop and ministry and all that? We only communicate six months out of here. That's about it. But hey, we got six months. We got six months we gotta take time off. It's true though. You have Come on, how exciting is golf? The Masters, come on, big deal. Well, he's not into it either. Oh, I love it. So you guys together have sports to talk about and Yeah. Most of the time. Basketball and football. We communicate better on our our phones. Okay. Well, now we're just shooting ourselves in the foot here. No. No. The point there is, especially with a younger family, you're trying to build some form of communication. Yes. It's patterns. And I know from a man's perspective, sometimes we're like, you know what? They'll get it. I don't have to push myself to have this conversation. You know, they know I love them. And if they need anything Teenagers, I don't want to deal with the teenager. It's just a trend. They're going through every phase. And it might not be. Yeah, it there has to be that proper communication, which then also causes me to think of this, you know, there are some young people today that are struggling with so much anxiety and stress because of their phones. That's true. So what we'll sometimes do and not mean to as parents is cause them more stress and anxiety by getting on them constantly about their phone. Yeah. Which then causes them that to feel so weighted down that they look for an escape. So they go back to the very thing that's causing them the anxiety. Which means what I'm trying to say there is creating the healthy home environment is to sit down and really have that, Hey, where are you at? What are you feeling? Yeah. Why do you? Why are you upset? And not make a judgment call or not even have to give them the answers to their, you know, the resolve their problems for them. Sometimes they just want to be able to communicate with you. Yeah. Because health and wellness, mental health and wellness today is such a big deal that some of these kids are overstressed and anxious. And they feel like they disappoint their parents when their parents come in so strong. And I think a great tip for moms and dads, a great tip, single moms, single dads, moms and dads, if you can talk to your child, not like a peer, but like a friend with consequences. Mhmm. So if you don't talk down to your child and dismissive of your child, what are you looking at? What's on your phone? That never works. It doesn't work with anybody. It's not gonna work with your child, especially a teenager. So if they're feeling over parented and overpowered, they're gonna hide it Mhmm. Because they don't wanna disappoint you. Nobody wants to get in trouble, your kids especially. So if you remove the trouble part from it where you're really doing discovery and getting understanding, And then you have consequences. Listen, that's not good for you, but I wanna know what what are you talking about and what what what are your interests right now and how does that make you feel? Are are you coming up feeling bad about yourself? Because I love you, I'm your parent, and let's find a better way. And you partner with your kid. That does not mean you give in. Now if your child isn't you you approach your child with more of a nonjudgmental, not so overpowering disciplinary, way, you most likely, you'll nudge them out to trust you to talk to you because it's not all about getting in trouble. Mhmm. And if we can remove that when it comes to technology, you're not gonna get in trouble. I'm trying to help you. I wanna be close to you. I wanna be the first person you tell if you see something on your phone that you shouldn't have seen and not feel like I can't tell mom or dad I'm gonna get in trouble. Yeah. That's super important to establish that It is. In your relationships. I remember Chris would come to you about stuff he would not go to me about. Yeah. Because he knew with you, you were very understanding and I'd lose my marbles. Mhmm. But and you would come to me and go, now listen. You you can't react like that. You cannot. That's gonna bring shame. Mhmm. And he would he sometimes, I would think, why does he go to Steve and he would he would tell you stuff he didn't really have to tell you? But he felt safe, not for everything, but there were certain subjects that he would only talk to you about. And I remember I I can remember he'd walk out of our room because he'd been in there talking to you. He closed the door, and it was you he had an advocate. Mhmm. At that point, you weren't just being a dad. What are you doing in there? What are you looking at? What are you all that does is cause our kids to go underground. Only reason Chris had that kind of relationship with me was because we would have I'd I'd make this statement when we'd talk. I said, Chris, when you're at school, you have all these friends, you're gonna think those friends are gonna be with you for life. You know? But there's only gonna be one man that's gonna be by your life, by by your side forever. It's gonna be your dad. Yeah. Because those friends are gonna be be with you in middle school, but then you're gonna get to high school, you're gonna have another set of friends. And then after you finish high school, everybody goes their separate ways, and you're going to have another group of friends in college. And then some of those people in college are never gonna move back to Miami, and they're gonna go in different cities. And though they'll be acquaintances, they're not gonna be by your side. Yeah. They're gone. The one that's gonna be by your side is your dad. That's right. Me. So therefore, we should have this kind of relationship with one another that you feel I'm the first guy you wanna talk to. Right. Because I do care for you more than they care for you because I'm gonna be around more than they're gonna be around. So we gotta have the dialogue, which made it, you know, Chris needs to talk. Chris always was that way. So we had that communication, that open dialogue. But my point is it doesn't have to be with both parents as long as it's with one, that they feel safe with certain areas when it comes to technology and they're alone with it or somebody texts them something. They're over they're stressed. They're depressed. They are. They can go through those things. They can go through the hormonal changes that come. And mom and dad just have to be ready to say, Hey, let's talk about it. I see you're off a little bit. I know your grades aren't where they should be. Why? You know, we gotta go You're struggling with something. We gotta go a little deeper. Our moms, well, your mom worked, but in the fifties and sixties, moms were home all day. So if you if you were going through something, you knew your mom, you could go in and talk to her. Now in the last thirty four years, mom's working all day, dad's working all day, they're not there until the evening. I think one practical that we could give parents through this is set a time where you are technology free and we're just gonna sit and talk. Mhmm. I'm here. I am here for you, for anything that's going on. We're building in this time because it's the most important time in our life right now because your child is being shaped and it being refined and being defined. Mhmm. And your child needs to know, your teenager needs to know that not only are you the most important voice, you want to be Yeah. The primary voice in their life. Here's another challenge they face in the living room is divorce and separation. Yeah. It's tough. With that has brought the blending of family or the the, isolation that comes when there is divorce. And now a child sits there and has to be the middle. They're in the middle of two people that are fighting and arguing, even though they're trying to come together and maybe for the well-being of the kid, that's kind of hard for the kid to carry that. So that in itself right there causes this emotional fallout for young people. And sometimes the only way they can deal with it is to not focus on it by getting on their phone, and then isolated in a way because it keeps them from having to focus on those kinds of challenges. Yeah. And when you got co parenting, and then you've got these custody arrangements that go on, having to adjust with all of that. It just creates this, need to get away. Yeah. And process. And it's better to live in that world, of that private world of theirs, than it is to have to juggle all that that goes on. That's a big issue. It is. And it's not getting any, less in our society. It's, it's just there. So being aware of that right there is so helpful for the parent to just keep that kid close. Yeah. Let's all stay again, communication, Mary. So much of this has to do with communication. It does. It does. And if if your parent wasn't a good communicator, you don't really know how, but that's what this podcast is for. It's to help you learn how. It's to give parents the skills to know, hey, listen, it's not that hard. It's not rocket science, but it doesn't mean it's easy to do. It's not complicated. But we just need to take the time to put a different filter on with our kids and understand that you can have a beautiful relationship with your 13, 15, 16 year old where they trust you, and they're mature about things and they bring these issues to you and they can float through seasons of anxiety and depression. But it the kids aren't going to just be good kids. Yeah. You've gotta be a good parent. Yeah. You've gotta set the stage for that in your home and not just assume that, oh, some kids are introverted and some kids you know, my daughter, she's always coming. She's always talked to me, but my son no. No. No. You have to set at home what the standard is for expectation. You're I remember you used to tell Lauren when she was little, because she was a little bit less outgoing. And somebody said, oh, she's shy. And you would tell Lauren, you are not shy. We are not shy. You might not be as talkative of it as everyone else, but don't hide behind I'm shy. You're going to come out from that. And I remember as a young parent thinking, well, she is what she is. But the truth is, we help shape our children. We really set the the ceiling for them Mhmm. As well as the foundation. We can set the height. And we don't have to speak to them from the perspective of you need to be and you should be, but we're calling them up Mhmm. Rather than just calling them out Yeah. To be better and to be stronger. And speak to them based on, affirmation and what you know they will be. You might not be that right now, but you will be this. Yeah. I I I'm glad you mentioned calling your kid out, calling your kid up. You know, we see a child that may be lazy. We don't let them stay lazy. No. We call them out of that. We see a child that, may be messy. And we don't, we shouldn't let them remain there. We call them up and out of that, say, Nope, you're gonna make your bed. Nope, you're gonna keep your room clean. We see a child that's kind of selfish Right. To themselves and doesn't wanna contribute in a household, and you're like, no, no, you're gonna have chores. You got responsibilities. I'm gonna make the food. You're gonna clean the dishes and put them away. We call them up and out. So if your kid has some kind of, you know, personality difference that you can pick up on right away, and in Lauren's sense, it was she was quieter. She's like, No, she's not gonna be shy. No. We're gonna call her up and out of that to force her to do something different, act different, think different, so she doesn't get caught up in that loop of, Oh, here I am just shy, nobody understands me. I don't have much, as much to contribute as my siblings. No. No. It's baloney. It was calling her up and calling her out. And that's important when It's calling things out, it's making things obvious. So when there is this divorce, this separation, this blended family, and you're seeing your children, your spouse and such going through some challenges, it's good to be able to call it out. Just bring it up, talk it out and discuss it, even if you don't have all the answers to it. Right. It's good to just put it out there on the table so that the light hits it and now things can be addressed. If not, you leave your kid in their own mind. Yeah. And the loop just continues. Oh, what an escape. And that becomes their escape. Yeah. But once you put it out there, now you're combating their own thoughts with another thought that could be what ultimately saves them and causes them to, okay, let me work differently with this Yeah. This, stepbrother of mine. And let me treat my stepfather different. Let me Because this is what I should be doing. It helps them adjust. Yeah. But if not, then they're gonna go isolate themselves into their private world and make that family member an enemy. Yes. And the the thing with talking about the cell phones and technology is that it it was created and adapted to trigger all the addictive senses in our brain. That's what it was created to do. So the problem with the technology and the escape of it, if you already have an environment and a dynamic at home that lends itself to your child or daughter, which is what we're talking about Mhmm. To become more addicted or isolated in their phone and then you start seeing them manifest things. You're gonna have to give them an alternative. Yeah. And I I know what parents need the most in in their families is the support to know that they can be honest with their kid and they can let their kid be honest with them because honesty creates intimacy. And if you don't feel close to your child, if it's just easier for you to default and let them be on their phones, you know, it's a they're just going through a phase, they'll grow out of it. Listen, this is a this is something different than what we grew up with. Mhmm. It's a drug all on its own. Yeah. So parents have a window here. Mhmm. And not that we wanna scare them, but the truth is more than ever, parents have to be attentive, aware, and they need a game plan Yeah. So that their kids do not get caught up with the technology battle. Mhmm. That just there's a list. Pick pick something on the list of the things they can get addicted to. Yeah. Well, the last I would say is, to help a child deal with that private time of theirs, mom and dad have to create quality time Yes. With them, away from that phone. Yeah. And the more you do that, like, then then what you really do find is your kids so much more focused on you and the living room and what's happening around the dinner table, that then the lure of that private time on their phone won't be that bad. Yes, you gotta set some boundaries, especially if you're gonna spend quality time with your family. You should say, okay, you know, tomorrow night, let's remember we're all going out or this weekend, we're all going here. And by the way Yeah. We're not gonna bring our phone Yeah. We're leaving our phones at the house. We're gonna turn our phone on mute and, you know, we'll turn them on turn them on, off during the day, turn them on at night, you'll have your hour. And so set some boundaries in place to help wean your kids off of that. Right. So that it brings them more into the healthy living room that you should be building and having as a family. We are the parent. The phone is not. That's right. The phone does not control our kids. We control the outcome, not the phone. Thank you, Mary. That's it. Well, hopefully, you've joined us, or enjoyed us today as we have talked about our phones. I gotta go because Your phone's blowing up. I got a few calls I need to make, and I got a game or two I wanna play and send a few texts. But thanks for joining us today on the Family Business with the Alessis. This Mary and Steve had a great time sharing with you. Take care. You've just enjoyed another episode of the family business podcast with the Alessis, and we can't thank you enough for being a part of our podience today. Now that you've learned more about us, here's how you can join in in the family business. First, make sure you're following our podcast right now and download this episode so you can hear it at any time. Second, think of someone you know that might need or enjoy this episode and share it with them. You'll be helping them and helping us to spread the word about the family business. Third, go to alessefamilybusiness.com and tap the ask the alessees button. This is really cool. You can use it to record a voicemail comment or question, and we can add your voice to our conversations. Finally, while you're on our page, tap the reviews tab and you'll see a link to leave a review on Apple Podcasts. We love reading your reviews, and we might even share them on the show. Thanks again for joining us, and we'll see you next time at the Family Business with the Alessis, because family is everybody's business.