Are Selfish Habits Silently Killing Your Marriage? (How to Identify Them) | S7 E33

If there was a test that measured your selfishness ...what would your score be? 

Most people don't detect their own selfish actions until it's too late - and in a marriage, that can be a death sentence leading to pain and heartbreak. 

To help you build a healthier relationship, Steve and Mary Alessi get brutally honest about attraction, selfishness, and those hidden habits that quietly sabotage marriages. You’ll discover how small, self-focused choices build up walls between couples—and how intentional acts of care, consideration, and vulnerability can break them down.

From tackling the age-old issue of keeping score to revealing the biblical secrets to a selfless marriage, you'll get  practical wisdom that helps you look inward, own your part, and strengthen that all-important “we.”

Chapters

• 0:00 Coming Up In This Episode
• 0:50 Text TFB
• 2:15 Were You Ever Not Attracted To Me?
• 6:21 Don't Be A Loner
• 12:42 Don't Just Tolerate Each Other
• 17:04 You, Me And The Power Of We
• 21:23 Anticipate Each Others Needs
• 27:12 Be Thankful For Each Other

Transcript

0:00

Not attracted to you? Mhmm. Probably. I mean, if I'm gonna be honest, probably. Steve, are you still here? Wasn't there ever a time that you were attracted to me? I haven't felt this much bigger than my chest. Oh, please. Hello, and welcome to another episode of the family business with the Alessis, where family is everybody's business. I'm Steve Alessi here with my precious wife, Mary Alessi, and we're so glad that you are able to join us today in the studio as we talk family. Now listen. If you're enjoying all of what the family business is having to share with you, then we'd like to keep you updated by being able to text directly to you. So if you'd like to get some text updates, text the word family to the number (302) 524-0800. That's (302) 324-0800. Of course, for all of you who are watching us on YouTube, please share this with as many people as you can. We are up over 4,000 subscribers, so we need you to like this. We need you to pass it on, tag it. And, also, look, we'd like to notify you of when these updates and new episodes are dropping, so make sure you're being notified about that as well. Now listen. We got a cool subject that we're going to be sharing with you. I've let Mary choose this subject matter. So I'm gonna start the subject this way, the whole episode. Mhmm. And she doesn't know what this is Question is, but here you go. Babe, was there ever a time when you looked at me and you were turned off instead of being turned on? Oh my gosh. This is your fault. You sent me this the other day. I did. I sent you It's pretty cool. A real and the guy asked the wife. Yes. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So was there ever a time when you looked at your husband, and were turned off and not turned on? Not attracted to you? Probably. I mean, if I'm gonna be honest, probably. Steve, are you still here? Wasn't there ever a time that you weren't attracted to me? Felt this much pain in my chest. Please. Don't even play like that. Oh my gosh. Listen, your big old fat belly sitting up on that bed getting ready to deliver our kids was not a turn off. There was never a time I looked at you when we were not turned on. Tell the truth ever. And your mother's around. Okay. Okay? No. I think for I don't I don't really like to tie that into, the sexual attraction. I think maybe there were seasons where it actually believe it or not, for me, it was never physical. You pull up a picture today. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. That was terrible in two thousand? Five years ago. Yeah. Yeah. You don't look like that anymore. But that wasn't I wouldn't connect that with being not attracted to you. I think when it affects has affected me was when we were younger, not as much anymore, but when you get really intense about things and I didn't feel like we could connect. Mhmm. And it would just be unattractive to me. So that aggression was not a turn on? No. No. No. And it I learned over time how to kinda maneuver past that, that that wasn't always directed at me. It wasn't always about me. And it took me a while to not connect your intensity and being aggressive or being short-tempered that I could I really could either either calm that or just move around it and ignore it and not make a big deal about it. But I think it always made me reflect on myself that somehow I could control that in you. And when I couldn't, I just I just didn't like that version of you. Okay. So this is the subject matter you wanna talk about. Why don't you go ahead since you kinda led into it with your comments there about making it about you or me and such? Well Go ahead. The the podcast that what we wanna discuss today is selfishness in marriage and how to identify it, how to see the areas where it's hidden, where we mask selfishness, and the usually the person that thinks they're not selfish, they are. We all have to battle selfishness. And when you get married, you come through from the season in the land of only thinking about yourself. It's, you know, it was your mom and your dad and you and going to school and your dreams, your desires and what your life was going to shape out to be, what it was gonna look like, how much money you wanted to make, how many kids you wanted to have. Singlehood is very me focused. Yeah. And then you get married and you have these two very different mes, and now they've gotta join together and make a we. Yeah. And the only way to do that is to die to some things. But first, there has to be a reckoning in your own life as to, man, I I am selfish. But nobody ever wants to admit that. Right. Right. Well, I know my struggle with selfishness, being the only boy in the family growing up and then being a middle child who was a son, my mom was so glad to be able to tell me over the years. You know, your dad, when you were born, he came and brought me, like, three dozen roses, because he was so happy and proud to have a son Right. An heir, named after him to carry on his legacy. So I know I had that tendency to then make it about me and be selfish, self just focused on what my needs were and such. And it even if as an adult, and by the way, just so you know, guys, I have no timer over here. So just keep me on the point. I I would see that now that as an adult, I reflect back in my young adult kids and I see their behavior. And I can pinpoint times in my life early on. Yeah. When my selfishness caused me to do things that became normal. Right. But they may have been normal. Like, I used to go to the beach a lot by myself when I was younger. I liked having German Shepherds. So I had a German Shepherd dog. And long before I ever met you, I had dogs. So I had My first German Shepherd was AJ. The second German Shepherd was BJ, then CJ, and then CJ. I also thought that was a joke. I couldn't believe it. You actually did that. I was just so creative. Right? But I I had these German Shepherds, and I would load it up in the back of the car and run over to the beach because, you know, I'm like, wow, look at this guy. I'm a loner. And I thought, hey, this is me. This is cool. But the reality was, it was a little selfish on my part because I wasn't spending time at the beach with anybody in my family. Right. When I could have included my siblings, my sisters, and say, hey, let's go hang out at the beach. But no, I was, you know, well, my older sister was so much smarter than me and got so much attention, and my baby sister was the baby favored, you know? And it was all this judgment that I've I've falsely judged others based on what was really being so me focused. Right. And that is where that selfishness, if we're not careful, it may cause us to do something that looks normal, but the motivation for doing that is not normal. Right. It's actually wrong. Yeah. And, you know, when you get married, what you were almost praised for doing as a single person or no one called out, now your spouse calls out. Because you might have gone to the beach by yourself with your dog and had a great time. Most of the time you did that, you were trying to make a point. You were trying to be by yourself and prove whatever it is as a single man you're trying to prove. A lot of times selfishness can manifest itself in pointing fingers, keeping score, blaming somebody else for the reason that we act the way we do rather than owning it. And now all these years later, you can look back and say, man, I should have handled that differently. What was motivating you to just be alone? And and that's that's just one form that you identified. I mean, quite frankly, I would not have looked at that and thought, okay, you're going to the beach by yourself. You're not including anybody else in the family. No one's invited as selfishness. I would just define that as you wanted to be alone. You you got two sisters. You wanna be alone. But something in your mind said and says now looking back more mature, you you have processed a lot. You realize, man, that was selfish. I could have done it differently. And it takes a big person to really look at their lives over the the landscape and say, how did I get here in the relationships I have? Why am I here in the relationships I have have and own their part? Mhmm. Because selfishness will always if you don't deal with it, it will always keep you in a finger pointing position. It's never your fault. I've always struggled with that. I've always struggled with major defensiveness, especially when we first got married. I mean, I and I've I have over the years, I've gone back just like you did, and you're telling your story. And I've questioned, why did I always feel this overt need, like, palpable need to defend myself? And I know, yes, we say immaturity, we say pettiness, you were so young, you know, you're such a baby. But but why though? What was the message that I was sent growing up or was sending myself that I had to to defend myself. Well, I think it was just self protection because of what I'd come through with my family. But what it what it led to in marriage was selfishness that if when you would call it out, there was no way in heck that I would say I was selfish. I could not see that as selfishness. It took me a long time to identify the areas of selfishness in my own life. And selfishness is just straight up immaturity. It's the inability to really look at yourself and say, okay, the fruit of my relationships aren't good. This one's good, this one's bad. Why? What do I have to do with that? What part am I playing that's contributing to not flourish in this relationship? Yeah. I know guys can get into trouble with being selfish in a relationship. For instance, when, he we we just have a tendency. Men have a tendency to spend money on things that we wanna spend money on. Right. When our wife wants to spend money on things that she wants to, we can become very controlling. Yeah. And we'll, you know, create a lot of anxiety in the relationship because she's spending money on something, but we don't think twice about spending money on something we want. Right. We may get into a new hobby. Mine was every ten years, there was a new hobby. Guys have a tendency to do that. They'll they'll get into a hobby. They'll spend the money on the golf clubs. They'll spend the money on the fishing gear, spend the money on the motorcycle or the the gym, wherever. They can do all of that stuff when it feeds what they want. Right. And if we're not careful, then we put our family, our relate our our wife, we put her through unnecessary hardship because we're willing to just take care of us, but not her. Yeah. And we won't get behind her new thing. We will not wanna, you know, we'll get tight fists when she wants to do something. And, that's where selfishness can put up a wall. And when I said to you earlier about, you know, was every time you looked at me and you weren't turned on, but you were turned off. I say that because I can see in a woman, and I would hate for this ever be the case with you, that you would look at me and you wouldn't challenge me about a certain area of my life because you don't wanna put up with the stress of it, the argument that that's gonna ensue, and you just kinda tolerate me. Yeah. And if you do that, that means you're having to do something to guard your heart. Right. And if you're guarding your heart, you're not giving it to me. Right. If you're keeping the heart to yourself, then it's hard for you to ever be attracted and turned on Right. To the man that I am. No, it's true. Because when you're holding your heart like that, it can start to breed resentment. Right. Absolutely, and it goes both ways. If a woman, if a wife is, overtly naggy and won't stop and feels like she has to constantly be on top of the guy and her husband and being so strong and aggressive and not letting him be the leader. At some point, the husband turns that voice off. And I think men turn that voice off and turn off the impact that their wife could make quicker than a maybe a woman does because men, you know, they don't wanna marry their mothers. And it's selfishness on a wife's part to not sit back and say, okay, I'm not getting the results from the man that I love. Is it something I'm doing? If you don't ever ask yourself that question, you need to see that maybe that selfishness covered up some way. Because then it is all about you and how you hear things versus how they hear things. How how does this play out for a woman though? Okay. Because I kinda shared how how men could be a bit selfish. How how are women selfish? I'm well, I think as a whole, women tend to be a little bit more selfish in the area of their affection affection because they're not pursuers that way. And where it shows is when they have their kids, and they give so much affirmation, affection, tender time, caring time, and make excuses for their children, but they are way too hard on their husband. Wouldn't you agree with that? I'm afraid to say anything. Why? No. I I think I think there's a reality to that. Yeah. And I I'm not sure how to process that because, you know, when I see our our kids, you know, it's so cute because when they're dating, they just wanna be on top of each other and, you know, holding hands and and sitting in on the couch and up next to each other. And then all of a sudden, they're married and three years four years down the road, you know, the the man and the woman aren't sitting there. And the woman who used to crawl up next to him is no longer crawled up next to him. She's sitting over on her side of the, living room. And whereas before she would be wanting to always look her best in front of him, Now she's not thinking about that whatsoever. And it's like, why put up the work? You know? I mean, I've I've taken care of the kids. I've taken care of my boss, my job. I've taken care of the house. I've, you know, it's that thing. And then it's like, oh, I just want to relax. And she should be able to relax. Right. But at what expense does she when does she finally say, wait a minute. I know what really makes my spouse happy. I know what they need. I know what they're asking for. When when do they have to stop asking for it for me to just give it to them? And I'm not just talking about sex. I'm talking about, you know, affection. I'm talking about Affirmation, information, all that. When can a woman just give it to the man without him having to ask for it? Right. No. I think it I think that that is patterns and bad habits that can form early on, in your immature stage of your marriage when you're young and dumb and and you are more of a scorekeeper when you first get married. I know we all are. And those patterns form and they don't break. And then as you stay married and kids come, there's just that neglect of one another. And I think that goes back to you, me, and the power of we. You know? If you if you don't wanna get to the we part and really develop the we of of the relationship, don't get married. Mhmm. Because there are requirements. There are things that both of us have to bring to the table and do and think about in order to really cultivate that strong we. Because what makes wonderful couples, beautiful couples that stay married, that are healthy, that aren't toxic, fight. Yes. Every every couple's gonna argue and fight. But to the point where they're on the brink of separating or divorce all the time, how do you avoid that? Well, you've gotta really nourish and nurture, the we part. And the only way to nurture the we part is the me part has to die. And I know in the world today that is not popular. In the world today, there the the secular mindset and the belief is you have to look out for yourself because when you get married, the the the chances of getting hurt, injured, rejected, betrayed, It's fifty fifty. So you better protect yourself. Well, try having a successful marriage with that mindset. Mhmm. There's no we in that. Yeah. You have to be vulnerable. You have to lay that down and say, well, that's kryptonite to the success of our marriage if I if I think that way. Yeah. You know, I've probably said this before on these podcasts, but this whole thing about keeping score, some wanna use it as being a negative thing. Yeah. And they wanna throw it around like you're just a scorekeeper. The reality is everybody is. Yeah. Oh, it's true. We we all have a tendency because it's in us. Yeah. It's what it's how society works. Okay. If you're not gonna keep score, then don't go down the street and buy something. Yeah. Because if I'm gonna go get something off of the shelf in the mall, they're keeping score. You're gonna take that, then give me this. Yeah. You pay me for what you just took. Society functions on everybody keeping score to one degree or another. To keep balance. It does keep balance. And in a health in a relationship that if you wanna be healthy in a marriage, there is, an understanding that there are responsibilities, gives and takes on both side of this. And it could be seen as keeping score. Absolutely. So here's what I'm thinking, you know, as, as a man, I've gotta be thinking, what does my wife like? Not what she just needs. Mary, I know there's things that you need, you know, there's things that you need. But I I wanna focus not just on what the needs are. I wanna focus on what you like, what you want. Right. And I know if I wanna tick you off, I know how to pull back or tick you off more by by by keeping from you what you want. Yeah. Not what you need. Your needs are always gonna be taken care of. But if if I wanna get on get under your skin, let me just pull away what you want. Right. And then I know I'm gonna go that that's gonna stir up something with you. So the point is, that's selfish on my part. Yeah. If I'm looking at you saying, I know what she wants, I'm not gonna give it to her. Now that's selfishness. Right. Right. You know, and the same applies on your end. I know what he wants, but I'm not gonna give it to him. I'm not gonna give it to him today. I'm not gonna give it to him. You know, now that that right there. The moment we bring Ai into the equation, I'm not gonna do this for him or her. It's we're making it very self focused. Yeah. Instead of saying, you know what? She wants this. Let me figure out how to get it to her. Right. You know, if you watch any good team that wins, a team that wins, they not only try to meet the needs of the other players, but they try to anticipate those needs. And if you wanna stay married for a long, long time, it's so healthy and it's so fulfilling to try to anticipate. I know for for you, your love language you you have a few, but your love one of your main love languages is really just conscientiousness, just acts of consideration. Right? So if you go in, it's so funny to watch you. If you go in the kitchen and the garbage has been taken out and there are fresh bags of garbage there and you didn't have to take it out, you get this rush. I don't know if you know that about yourself, but you just have this expression. You go, yes. You it is hilarious. Me and the girls, because we still have two girls at home. We we just analyze that and watch you. It's garbage. What's the big deal? I can look at full garbage and it doesn't bother me. I don't get mad that you haven't taken it out yet or whatever because you're pretty consistent. But it gets full. It gets full before you take it out. It's not a need for me. It's not a thing for me. I don't look at that and go, I can't believe it. He's not thinking about me. Now I could spend our marriage trying to change that about you. I could spend I probably have tried in the beginning. That is ridiculous, Steve. It's garbage. You are creating so much conflict, making a big deal about garbage. You're making it personal. It's not personal. It's just garbage. Why do you have to make such a big deal? Or or the little things that bother you. Okay? I could spend all the energy trying to change that and call you selfish for creating conflict over the things that matter to you. You're the selfish one because, look, you're creating all this unrest in the family. You're making such a big deal. It's a mountain. How many times have I said to you, you make mountains out of molehills? Well, those molehills to you mattered. And where we started to find peace was in that area was when I started saying if it matters to him, it matters to me. And even though it doesn't matter to me, I have to pretend like it does. Why? Because it matters to him. Let me anticipate that. Does that mean I get it right every time? Heck no. But I try to get it enough times to where you know, hey. She's trying. And it works in reverse. There are things that matter to me that you do not understand why they matter to me. And over the years, you have tried to talk me out of the things that matter to me. But you can stonewall one another and just say, well, I'm sorry, but you're selfish for not understanding me. And you could say, yeah. Well, you're selfish for refusing to be understood or whatever the argument is because when when we have fights, I mean, they're just stupid. Most arguments are just so stupid because they're self centered. There's selfishness. It's selfishness that's on display when we argue over petty things. And it's not about letting the other person win and getting stepped on and abused and mistreated. It it really is about saying, you know, how can I anticipate the needs of my spouse to do the little things that I know go so far? Yeah. And I'll tell the girls, guys, you don't you don't realize how far this will go with dad. Just make sure you know, this time, just make sure it's not there when he gets there. Don't leave your shoes out. There are things that really bother you that in your mind, there it's like this interpretation of carelessness that we don't care and, you know, you go down that road in your mind that we're not conscious. We don't care. We're selfish. And we go, well, you're selfish because you make such a big deal out about it. But the reality is, how do we find that place where we're winning and not losing? How hard is it for me to say, if that matters to you, that matters to me? And vice versa. Yeah. Well, we we I appreciate that. And I do appreciate when the garbage is taken out. Oh, I know. You make the little face. It's super cute. I gotta take a picture. Hey. Thank you. Mhmm. A little board out there makes a big deal. But then you can I just add this a little bit? I have noticed, not that I'm trying to learn how to manipulate you. That is not what I'm saying. Okay? I am not saying that. Keep it up. Keep it up. But honestly, the truth is learning your ways over the years, spending more time in trying to find out the things that actually make you feel safer in our marriage and heard and understood and cared for. And, again, it's not all sex. It's not all sex. Those things lead to sex or they don't lead to sex. Mhmm. But those little things, for years, I complicated. Man, he's just so conflicted. Everything's conflict. Everything's anger. No. It was just consideration. And here's the thing. Here it is in reverse. People that don't live with you don't know this about you. You are very, very considerate. Our staff knows it too. You think of things that none of us think about. As a matter of fact, I think you have a gift of consideration. Now that doesn't necessarily mean that you've not had to deal with selfishness in your own Oh, gosh. Right. And you're you're honest about that, and I'll turn the microphone over to you. But when you're married to somebody who is by nature, more considerate, it's just so important. And maybe some husbands are married to wives that are just very considerate to them. Learn her ways. Yeah. It's a gift. And be it is a gift. She's the you're the note sender. You like to send thank you notes. You think about things that I'm sorry. I'm not wired that way. I have other things, but you're very you pay attention to detail. That is your personality. Mhmm. And I'm grateful for it. Thank you. But I could fight it and tell you to calm down Right. And bring it down several levels and it's too much, or I could find ways to serve that. Well, I know this, you know, if you're gonna throw some compliments this way, throw a little compliment your way, little one. Sundays, you know, there are some Sundays like this past one. We we, of course, are pastors, so we work. And sometimes you speak on Sundays, sometimes I do. So this past Sunday, it would have been very easy for us to say, alright, Mary, you're working today. You're gonna be carrying the lion's share of the work because you're gonna be preaching. So let's go to a restaurant after church and you're like, no, I wanna cook. Mhmm. I wanna cook for the family. And I'm like, you're out of your mind, man. I'd rather have pastas. Make it easy. But for some reason, you wanted to cook for the family Right. Because we were not gonna see the kids and we have Easter coming up and all that stuff that you're preparing yourself for. And I'm like, wow. But you wanted to do it. So you will get up, for your family on a Sunday morning when your job requires you to go preach

twice Mhmm. And you will start at about 05: 28:32

30, six o'clock. You'll be up, and you will go and start the dinner, the lunch. That's gonna happen about

02: 28:43

00 that day. And then you get home and where I'm thinking she's gotta be exhausted. She needs a nap. You are so motivated and you have so much energy that you put the food out on the table, you get it all set up and the whole family is there and you thrive on doing that for your family. Right. When, I would think, no, she needs to be able to chill today, take it easy because she's got a full day of work on her plate. But no, that's not what you do. Yeah. So, you know, we've, of course, thirty, thirty eight years, thirty nine years of marriage we're coming up on. We've had to realize that selfishness, doesn't get us what we want. No, it won't get you there. And it's, it's very detrimental. Now, because we're faith people, we do look at the scriptures quite a bit. And if God says something in the Bible, if it's written in the Bible, he's showing us how to really build a solid relationship, a marriage, and do it right. And the Bible does tell us that a man is to serve his wife. He's to lay his life down for his wife like Christ did for the church. He died for the church. And cry Christ is the groom. The church is the bride. He gave himself for the bride. So the man's role is to be selfless and give himself for his wife. Yeah. Now that's leading you then to a very healthy and strong marriage if you do it the bible way. Then for the woman, she is to do the same. She is to love her husband. And to submit. And that's not a feeling kind of love. That is an active kind of love. And when she loves herself, she's gonna do everything for herself. She's to take that same kind of love and transfer to her husband, which means now, if she's willing to do everything for herself, she should be willing to do everything for her husband. Yes. So the give and take here from a biblical perspective is both couples, both partners are giving themselves selflessly to their spouse. Yeah. That builds a strong marriage. And in that strong marriage, you will then find a fulfilling, rewarding Oh, yeah. Rich life and every component of the relationship. That's right. So as we bring this to a close today, our goal is to try to help couples look inwardly and first ask themselves the question, is there anything in me that will cause my spouse to be turned off to me? Is there anything I'm doing? Am I selfish? And if I'm selfish, is it causing my spouse to have a negative response to me? If so, let me change it. Let me think of them better and be less selfish. Alright. That was a good one. Alright. Happy and healthy marriages found right here on the Alessi family business podcast. Thanks for joining us today. You've just enjoyed another episode of the family business podcast with the Alessis, and we can't thank you enough for being a part of our podience today. Now that you've learned more about us, here's how you can join in in the family business. First, make sure you're following our podcast right now, and download this episode so you can hear it at any time. Second, think of someone you know that might need or enjoy this episode and share it with them. You'll be helping them and helping us to spread the word about the family business. Third, go to alesseefamilybusiness.com and tap the ask the a lessee's button. This is really cool. You can use it to record a voicemail comment or question, and we can add your voice to our conversations. Finally, while you're on our page, tap the reviews tab and you'll see a link to leave a review on Apple Podcasts. Podcasts. We love reading your reviews, and we might even share them on the show. Thanks again for joining us, and we'll see you next time at the Family Business with the Alessis, because family is everybody's business.