How to Stop Losing Yourself in Parenting (But Still Prioritize Your Family)

Is it possible that your greatest blessings - your spouse and your children - could also drain your spirit and prevent you from pursuing the hobbies and interests that give you joy? 

Parents often find themselves struggling to grow as individuals when their family responsibilities take over their lives - but finding the balance between personal growth and focusing on your marriage and parenting can be really difficult. 

In this episode, Stephanie Alessi Muina and her husband Chris take a honest look at how they are maintaining a sense of self-worth and identity while also giving their children - and their marriage - the best chance at success. You'll find a ton of effective and practical strategies that you can apply to your own life as you grow as a person, a parent and a spouse.

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Remember to subscribe to hear from ALL of the Alessi family members - we have different hosts from the family every week who give you multiple perspectives on parenting, marriage, family dynamics, and building a legacy that lasts! 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

This kind of came up a little bit and I told you straight out. I was like, Steph, Gianna praises me for everything I do.

SPEAKER_02 0:06

I know.

SPEAKER_00 0:07

She loves on me all the time. Like she thinks I'm a superhero. Like she thinks I am the best.

SPEAKER_03 0:15

I remember this.

SPEAKER_00 0:16

She so I'm gonna be drawn to that. Like she's my little girl. Yes. I'm gonna wanna give her everything, you know?

SPEAKER_06 0:23

Yes. And because I was thinking you treat Gia better than you treat me.

Intro

SPEAKER_00 0:28

Yeah, yeah, that's what it all came out of. And I was like, well, yeah, right now right now, currently, because we weren't in a great right now, yeah, because look how look how she treats me.

SPEAKER_07 0:46

Hello and welcome to the family business with the Alessies. My name is Stephanie Mwina, and I'm here with my husband.

SPEAKER_00 0:53

Christopher Mwina.

How Did We Get Here?

SPEAKER_07 0:55

And we are again gonna dive into the topic of marriage, children. Married for five years, what did we learn? The whole thing. And we are very excited to dive into it. So please leave your comments at the end of our, at the bottom of the screen, on YouTube, on Spotify. Let us know how you are walking through this season of marriage, how this has helped you. Because we always love that engagement. We love to hear from our listeners. We need to hear from our listeners to see if you like these conversations and if it's helped you in any way. So today we are going to dive into the topic of how did we get here? We've been married for five years, and it has been a wild ride. We got married back in 2021, and we got pregnant two months after we got married.

SPEAKER_00 1:50

So we were dating for five months, engaged for six months.

SPEAKER_07 1:53

Yes, without knowing each other at all before then.

SPEAKER_00 1:55

Yeah. So married within a year. Uh a month or two later after marriage, you got pregnant. So kind of just thrown into uh being a husband, being a wife, being a mom, being a dad.

SPEAKER_05 2:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:08

Um, and then our independent selves or the things that we were passionate about before we met each other naturally takes a back uh you know, a back.

SPEAKER_07 2:19

We were thrown into it, or we were drowning in it too.

SPEAKER_00 2:23

Well, we jumped in. We jumped in. We we wanted to to kind of get going with our life.

SPEAKER_05 2:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:29

And it was fun and exciting, and um, and naturally the things that you know fueled me that that adventure, you know, I would do a lot of crazy like mountain bike trips or you know, surfing trips to Costa Rica, all those things they didn't weren't important to me anymore. Because what was important was you. What was important was Gianna and Matthew. And for you, you have the same or similar experiences.

SPEAKER_03 2:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:53

But now five years later, those things that once kind of put a spark in us, they they're they're tending to to rise up again. So the whole question is is that okay? Um should we be doing everything together? Yeah um, is there like a an underlying guilt if I want to do something that you're not really crazy about and you're like just go ahead, go go do it, you know? Yeah, go take that hunting trip. Like, should I feel bad about that? Or is that healthy?

SPEAKER_05 3:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:24

So all these things, because we can kind of like self-reflect a little bit.

SPEAKER_05 3:29

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:30

All these things as we as we enter these new stages in marriage, uh, is what we're looking back on. It's all we're doing.

SPEAKER_07 3:36

Yes. So pause, pause. Before we dive into this, let's give them some background because we were two very adventurous individuals before we got married.

SPEAKER_00 3:46

Which is one of the things that brought us together. Yes. That's one of the reasons that that we found each other attractive because you were, you know, in Israel for two weeks by yourself. Yeah. I was in Spain for a month by myself. No, I'm not sure. We would do all these things.

SPEAKER_07 4:00

Yeah, it was crazy independently. And then we suddenly met in 2020, during the pandemic, when life shut down. So it was very it was an interesting dichotomy because you and I individually were running at 100 miles per hour. Like you said, you were in Spain, you did an adventure for a month on a boat. Can you please tell me what that was about? Because I always forget what that was.

SPEAKER_00 4:30

Yeah. Well, part of my my master's studies was doing like research work, scuba diving, spearfishing, fishing, uh on a boat.

SPEAKER_07 4:40

So, like, what was the whole point of like like tell us the story? How did that happen? What it why did you go on a boat for a whole month?

SPEAKER_00 4:47

It was part of an internship that I was doing in in UM uh with the National Park Service. So I lived out in the Director Tugas for three months and then spent a month on the UM research vessel um between here and the Bahamas, just studying, you know, plankton and different fish species and stuff like that. So very adventurous. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 5:09

I remember when we were dating, I found your YouTube page and I kind of stalked you through your YouTube page.

SPEAKER_00 5:15

Well, because we had no idea who each other were. We're like, we were completely new to each other.

SPEAKER_07 5:20

And your family was like, hey, you know he's one of the most interesting men in the world. And I'm like, what do you mean? And they go, Yeah, he he went on a like a five-day biking trip with his brother-in-law in the desert, only bikes, no hotels, in little tiny cabins. And you would stay in cabins throughout the night, barely any showering, barely any good food. You just literally got on a bike, not a motorcycle, but on a bike for five days in the desert and went across what was it?

SPEAKER_00 5:53

Uh it was Colorado and Utah.

SPEAKER_07 5:56

So that was one story.

SPEAKER_00 5:57

Yeah, but tons of things like that. I mean, that's what made me that's what put that spark inside of me to kind of seek out adventure and a little bit of danger and all those things. And then I met you, and those things don't just go away.

SPEAKER_07 6:11

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:12

They maybe kind of get put aside. Yes.

SPEAKER_07 6:15

So let me finish what I was saying. I was then doing assembling in my own lane. You were had your own lane, I had my own lane. We were both doing adventurous stuff. We were very independent.

SPEAKER_00 6:24

You already were writing in Nashville. Yes. You had a record label with uh whatever.

SPEAKER_07 6:29

I forgot. Integrity.

SPEAKER_00 6:31

Integrity worship.

SPEAKER_07 6:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:32

Uh traveling to and back from Nashville. You spent two weeks in Israel.

SPEAKER_07 6:36

The whole thing.

SPEAKER_00 6:37

Um, like you were taking advantage of your singleness.

SPEAKER_07 6:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:40

To the to the best that you could, and you were doing awesome.

SPEAKER_07 6:43

And then we met, the world shut down. And that's when we met, when we were both actually in chill mode. So it was very hard for us because we we didn't really get a solid idea of each other's life. We got an idea while we dated of who we were. Like I knew you were a family man. I knew that you were adventurous because of the stories. And I knew that you were very smart and how you wanted to build your life. And that's what made me a true you love the Lord. So we were discovering who we were at the core, but we didn't get to live out life together while we dated. And that was very interesting because I didn't know how important that was until we got married. Because then when we got married, and then we had Gianna, and that kept us kind of slowed down as well, to be honest. It wasn't like we we got married and then we settled down and then we wanted to resume our normal lives because then it was like, whoa, now we're pregnant and we're having kids. So now a mass another shift and another break in our normal life routine. So it wasn't until I would say, like this past year or a year and a half, two years ago, when we started to get into a rhythm with the kids, that we started to realize oh, this is a normal life rhythm, and this is what I want for my normal life rhythm, and this is what you want for your normal life rhythm. And there's some differences. Do you think that that's accurate?

SPEAKER_00 8:18

Oh, yeah. I remember maybe six months to a year ago, we had an argument, and you felt that I was going too fast. Like you were you said something about a pace. My pace was too much. Like I was just, I had to slow down and relax and stuff. Even on vacations, I don't I can't just sit there and lie down in a yeah, you are not the sitting-down guy watching TV. Right. So you were complaining that about me, and I was like, Steph, that's always been who I am. Like that's who you married. I've always had this pace in life. Um, and again, things were kind of creeping up of like our old selves.

SPEAKER_02 8:54

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 8:54

You wanted to chill. Uh, when we had our days off, you like to have a late morning brunch, chill on the couch, and by 10 a.m., um I'm like, all right, I want to do stuff. I want to do stuff in the house. Like, let's go on a walk. Like, let's let's do stuff. Come on.

SPEAKER_07 9:12

So you chill, you know. So that that I now I'm understanding. And what was so hard was I think we realized we chilled differently. Like we were, it was hilarious because we would have arguments where it was like, well, you just go too fast and you do too much. And we both we one day hit a wall where we're like, okay, I think we both do too much and we both go too fast, but in separate lanes, which could actually, at first it was really, really hard. And then we were like, okay, we gotta let them run their race. But when we decide this is when we're chilling, we've gotta have some middle ground.

SPEAKER_00 9:50

The difference is you like to run hard throughout the week, Monday through Thursday, Monday through Friday till 10 o'clock. You like to fill your schedule with more like Sunday through Thursday. Sunday through Thursday. Yeah, that's our work week. Yeah. You like to fill, be productive during that week.

SPEAKER_07 10:07

I do.

SPEAKER_00 10:09

I like to be productive on the weekends.

SPEAKER_07 10:11

And at night. You like to turn off I like to turn off at night. Six, seven o'clock, you're done.

SPEAKER_00 10:16

Right. That's my wind down time, have dinner, chill, watch TV, be home. Right. But on uh Fridays and Saturdays is our weekend. If I'm not productive during one of those two days, I feel like I wasted my weekend.

SPEAKER_05 10:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:31

And on those day two days, you want to chill. Yeah. You want to do nothing. You want to go to a coffee shop.

SPEAKER_07 10:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:37

You know, so we really have to kind of find a middle ground. Find a middle ground.

SPEAKER_07 10:41

Because I mean, I would get so mad at you. You don't chill. You don't sit down and watch a movie with me. And then I'm like, Steph, you're adults. You just moved into this new house. You have 18 boxes in your garage. You can't sit around and watch movies all day. You gotta work, you gotta you have to have seasons. So that that was kind of something I had to work out where it's like your husband is working hard. Because the worst is when I would hear my girlfriends that were like you, that were like, I spent the whole weekend working on my garage, working on my thing. And I'm like, I just sat on the couch all weekend and I wanted to rest. And I got mad at my husband for wanting to work. And that would make me feel super convicted because I'm like, okay, I need to push myself a little bit here. He's right. We need to, we need to go. But then what we would get on vacation.

SPEAKER_00 11:32

Hold on, before you go to vacation.

SPEAKER_07 11:34

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 11:34

I, on the other hand, I had to be like, hey, Friday morning, let's go to your favorite coffee shop. You know, let's take the kids. We'll go to a park.

SPEAKER_07 11:42

You did. It was so nice.

SPEAKER_00 11:44

You know, and then let's come back and do what we got to do in the house. So it was a it was a give and take. It wasn't just all work. By the way, I'm already planning a Sunday after church. I gotta cut the grass.

SPEAKER_04 11:58

Okay. That's fine.

SPEAKER_07 12:00

Then I'm leaving. I'm gonna go to a coffee shop with my friends. Um, Dave, what was I gonna say? I but I was gonna add to that. Um, when we would go on vacation, you would want to wake up at like 10 and be out of the house. Or we would wake up early and want to be out of the house by like 10 or out of the hotel. And I'm like, please, just for these four days, can we slow down? And you did. It was it was nice. Um, but yeah, like we had to meet in the middle. And I will say I do appreciate that day you went to Mamon Bakery with me and you sat there in that super girly, blue, swirly coffee shop, and you had a croissant with me, and that was really nice. That won you points for like a year, yeah. But we're coming up on that year, so I don't know what year. So I don't know what else you'll do.

SPEAKER_00 12:51

The point is are to repair that are having hobbies independently, yeah. Are those okay, you know, in a marriage?

Having Hobbies

SPEAKER_07 12:59

And when the hobbies are so different. Because you one of my hobbies is honestly going to restaurants with my friends. That is that is a legitimate hobby of mine. And you were like, it's spending money. You're just sitting around. Is there is it somebody's birthday? And I'm like, no, we just want to sit around and talk. And again, you have to come to that middle point. Um, but then I realized I sorry if I interrupted you, but and then I realized that like your hobbies, you recharge the way you want to recharge. And that I respect that. I gotta, I gotta give you space to do that. Because I would hate if you came over to me and try to change up my hobbies and and I think they're okay as long as we still have our things that we do together.

SPEAKER_00 13:45

Yeah. To bond together.

SPEAKER_05 13:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:47

Like we can't just let go of those things or or be like, ah, we'll be fine. Because then we start can start to kind of drift apart. Like we always have to have those things that do draw us together, that do kind of bring us together.

SPEAKER_05 14:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:00

Um, and those should be, I think, the the priority. If we have a tight week, it's true. Then hey, what are we doing together? Are we going to watch a movie?

SPEAKER_07 14:08

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:09

You know?

SPEAKER_07 14:09

And I think we've also entered a really great part of our season of our marriage where I genuinely I would rather just kind of be with you.

SPEAKER_00 14:15

Oh, yeah. After after three hours of a Saturday of me going to a car show, I'm done. I'm like, I want to go back. I want to go home. I want to, I wanna, you know, spend time with you, spend time with the kids.

SPEAKER_07 14:24

Yes, and I I like our time together. It it really does recharge me. And I had the I had an immature mindset going into marriage too. It was like, I need to recharge by doing something else. And it's like, no, you don't. Which kids help help you get to that point. Kids do make you realize you recharge at home with your babies and with your husband. That that is the most fulfilling thing in your life. But nothing else will, everything else is a wonderful add-on and a wonderful addition that are necessary. Friends are necessary, um, outings are necessary, whatever it is, hobbies, sports, it is necessary, but it will not be the one thing that refuels me. It's not going to be the one thing that recharges me. What fulfills my core is knowing. Sorry, what fulfills my core, my heart, what gets me in a really solid place is spending time with you and the kids. Like every single time. And I did have to realign that. I wasn't naturally like that. I wasn't one of those girls that dreamt of becoming a mother or dreamt of becoming a wife. I didn't disdain that. I didn't like, I wasn't, I didn't mock that. I was I was looking forward to that, but it wasn't like this massive dream. So I did have to realign my priorities a little bit and say, no, this is this is the most fulfilling. Nothing else will fulfill me more than this.

SPEAKER_00 15:50

Well, Steph, I don't think anybody naturally does that. I think that's learned.

SPEAKER_07 15:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:55

And it's trial and error. Hey, maybe in six months this this plan of ours won't work.

SPEAKER_04 16:01

I know. I know.

SPEAKER_00 16:02

A lot of people don't realize that we're we're new to we've never had a four-year-old.

SPEAKER_05 16:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:09

You know?

SPEAKER_05 16:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:09

It's the first time ever having Gianna's gonna turn four. We've never done it. I know. You know, we've never been married for more than five years. So we're not what that's like. Sure, we can get experiences from others and learn things, but we're learning as we're going.

A Good Foundation

SPEAKER_07 16:23

We watched that movie uh Solemu, and I will say, let me preface it with, it is not a the perfect epitome of or the perfect explanation of marriage. Like there was some weird stuff in there that was not a good example. However, there was that one scene where the guys were arguing with each other, and the guy, the main guy, Kevin James, was saying, How is it that you guys all you do is argue? And you don't even argue in a healthy way, and you're still together. And you guys have broken up and gotten back together multiple times, and you're still together. And I had a healthy relationship with my fiance, and she left me at the altar. How does that work? And the guy goes, It's funny because the actor is the same actor that plays Jesus. So it's like every time he talks, he plays Jesus from the chosen. So every time he spoke, it was like, it kind of feels like Jesus is speaking right now. But he said, you know, you're right. There are some habits and there are some dynamics that we can work on and make better. But what keeps us together is our foundation. The foundation knowing that I love this person and I respect this person and I accept this person. And even though we'll have our arguments, we'll have our disagreements, they'll do things that I don't like, and I'll do things that they don't like. But what keeps it solid, what keeps us really even like secure in our relationship is the foundation. That at the end of the day, you know what? I'm gonna go out with my friends, but I'm not gonna be gone for three hours. I got to get home. He's he's expecting me to come home and I respect that because I got kids that need me. I I want to go buy, I want to go shopping and I want to go buy coffee, but I don't want to rack up a$200 bill on a random Saturday. That's not fair to him. So that because I know the foundation, I know your expectations, and I respect that. And I'm I'm tethered to you and me and our expectations more than anybody else's. Is that am I saying that right?

SPEAKER_04 18:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 18:28

So I think that that is where I think that that's what allows us to go through those ebbs and flows where one year I really love hanging out with my friends. The next year, it's probably gonna be working out, where my next hobby is working out. And then in a couple of years, you might want to get a boat or a car, and that's gonna be our next hobby. It's gonna change. But what allows us to use that freedom and to pursue those things is making sure that our foundation is in check. And it's not a foundation that you could just create and leave. You're constantly pouring into that foundation.

SPEAKER_00 19:04

And when you say foundation, that's the same thing as like the basics, right?

SPEAKER_07 19:08

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 19:08

Returning back to that basics of when you were first married, prioritizing each other, giving each other grace, yeah, putting each other first. Like what are your needs and wants?

SPEAKER_05 19:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:19

Even though I don't like sitting in a coffee shop, let's go do that. That's what you're talking about as far as foundation.

SPEAKER_07 19:24

Yeah. Making sure that your tank is filled, that you you feel that I'm putting you first. That my dad told me a while ago, we were talking about um, I think it was my sisters and I, we were sitting down with my dad, and Gabby was about to get married, and it was late at night. I don't really remember. I think you were actually out of town, so I was able to stay at their house. So we were talking to my dad late. And I we all asked dad, what's one thing that mom does that makes you feel good? And he goes, you know, guys, she does a lot of things. I love how she's joyous. I love how she's fun. But the one thing that makes me feel like a million bucks is when she chooses me over everybody else. When she maybe gets invited somewhere, when she has to go do something and she actually turns it down because she says, I'd rather just be with you. He said that made me feel like a king on top of the world, that I have a wife that genuinely enjoys her time with me because that's a reflection of him. That means that he's enjoyable, that he treats her right, that she would rather be with him because he's fun and they watch their shows and they have their snack, midnight snacks, and they they know the the, you know, it's a friendship, it's a relationship that's healthy and enjoyable. And he said that that was one of his favorite things. And when he told me that, I was like, whoa, okay, I'm gonna assume all husbands are the same here, and I'm gonna do that to Chris. And when I did, that changed the game. In fact, you were became more lenient and allowed me to do more things. You you were okay with me going out and spending a little bit because you knew Stephanie's gonna choose me at the end of the day.

SPEAKER_00 21:20

You know, that's the the weird dynamic that uh a lot of times we don't understand is that if your tank is filled, then that's gonna you're gonna get more of what you want. Yeah, because I'm gonna want to give it to you more.

SPEAKER_05 21:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:36

And and the opposite is true.

SPEAKER_05 21:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:38

If I feel like my tank is like empty, yeah, I'm not getting the things that that make me feel good, yeah. Then I'm gonna be less willing to give you what you want.

SPEAKER_05 21:47

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 21:47

So if you just make sure that your spouse is filled, you know, then everybody wins. It's probably a good question to ask your spouse. What makes you feel valued?

SPEAKER_07 21:57

Yes, you know, it will really change because it could. Be something so small that we don't even know.

SPEAKER_00 22:02

Because a lot of times another mistake we make is we think I should know that about you.

SPEAKER_07 22:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:08

You know, or I think you should know that about me.

SPEAKER_07 22:10

About me.

SPEAKER_00 22:10

You know?

SPEAKER_07 22:11

We uh we assume that of each other.

SPEAKER_00 22:13

And that's not really fair. How are you supposed to know what makes me feel valued?

SPEAKER_07 22:17

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 22:18

You know, okay, maybe if we're married for 30 years, okay, you should have picked up on that already.

SPEAKER_05 22:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:22

But five years in, how are you supposed to know that? Yeah. You know, maybe I don't even know that what makes me feel valued. Yeah. So just asking the question will spur that conversation to discover, yeah, man, what what makes me feel like like a million bucks? I don't know.

SPEAKER_07 22:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:40

So that's good.

Value Each Other

SPEAKER_07 22:41

No, and sometimes, you know, let let's also take this to a deeper level because it was really hitting ahead. It's easy for us to say, okay, I'm just not gonna go out today, or I'm not gonna do my hobby today because you need me. What's really hard is when it's in when it is a ministry-based responsibility. And sometimes I would feel like, okay, I have to choose either a ministry thing or my husband. Thankfully, you've never put me in that position. You've under been very understanding. But I am extreme when it comes to ministry. I'm extreme. I I do not know a healthy balance. I could stay at the church all day, every day. Like I'm good. I really enjoy this. I I can do ministry stuff at 9 p.m. on a Wednesday and then be back at the church. I I really, really love pouring myself out in that way. And you did have to tell me, okay, but is it right when you're doing that at the sake of your kids and your husband? And I had to sit back and be like, that is not how a godly wife operates. My husband needs me. And my husband needs me to value him more than anything. And I did have to even get that into alignment where I and my mom would push me a lot go home and take care of your husband. You don't have to be here. You don't have to be at this rehearsal, you don't have to be at this whatever. And if I fulfilled my ministerial obligations and I know my calling and I stick to my lane, then I've got to be able to know when to say, okay, good night, everybody, and to go home and be with you. Because even if you and I got into, even if we were about to have an amazing event at the church where I did my best work, I did my best preparation, and we got into an argument before church or before that event, I would be off my game the entire night because something in me would just feel unradled, like my husband isn't, he doesn't feel valued. Something is off. And if he's not feeling good, then I can't feel good.

SPEAKER_00 25:01

Well, here's kind of what I've learned of I haven't been in like full-time ministry for you know as long as you or whatever, but I have learned that there are times where there are demands on us, ministry demands, that we just kind of have to put our head down and do it and do it. And it may be a super busy week or two weeks of evening events or doing ministry stuff.

SPEAKER_05 25:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:26

But that that's just the name of the game. That's just part of it.

SPEAKER_05 25:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:31

So when we're not in that, it's important to realize is this optional? Is this necessary that I'm here? Because if it's not, I should be at home recharging for when it is necessary.

SPEAKER_05 25:46

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 25:46

You know, because then the necessary times come and we're drained or we're not on in alignment. Yes, because in the times of maybe easiness, we didn't really manage it well.

SPEAKER_03 25:59

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 25:59

So and then that can really build. And then we look at those times of necessary, uh, times of being in ministry, like 100% where we're busy, then we can start to like point the finger at that. And it's like, no, it's not. That's we shouldn't do that.

SPEAKER_07 26:12

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 26:13

You know, what we should we should have managed it when it was light.

SPEAKER_07 26:16

Yes. You're that's the perfect way to say it because the one thing I did not want us to do was blame church and ministry for our setbacks. I did not want to do that. No, because people have full-time jobs that take away more of their time than church does.

SPEAKER_00 26:33

Well, accountants right now.

SPEAKER_07 26:35

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_00 26:36

They are super busy. They are not going on vacation, they're working, you know, on their days off because it's tax season. Yeah. Every industry has it. Yeah. You can't just look at ministry and be like, oh, ministry is the one thing that's going to take all your time. It's like, no, every everybody has something. Everybody has it.

SPEAKER_07 26:53

And they have to learn how to manage that too. And they have to learn how to say, no, I gotta, this is a season where if it's a low season, I'm prioritizing my family because the high season's coming. But I just knew I'm I'm like, I don't ever want our hearts to get to that place. So that means it's my responsibility to make us feel like we are recharged. And in my intensity, with my intense brain, I always think, well, if the church needs me, I will always say yes because those are treasures in heaven that I am putting away. Which, yes, that is true. That is 100% true. However, what will my ministry look like if my family is not a part of it? If my family's not healthy? If I have seen incredible preachers, incredible songwriters, incredible church builders lose all of their credibility because of a divorce.

SPEAKER_00 27:46

Well, what validates us to do what we do is our family. Family being healthy. You and I are marriage first and our kids are healthy.

SPEAKER_06 27:54

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 27:54

If that's not done well, then we have we have no validity to speak into anybody's life, to go visit them, to pray over them, to tell them uh points about, you know, the Bible or Pamela.

SPEAKER_07 28:10

If we don't have it together. And that's the church isn't what's going to get in the way of that. It's us and how we manage it that'll get in the way of that. We have the responsibility to say, to let my yes be yes and my no be no, because my number one priority is my family. It's my relationship with Jesus, and then it's my family. And I had to have that moment, that conversation with the Lord that said, God, I can't do all that I did before because my yes needs to become more intentional and my yes needs to be more specific. And my yes needs to have a greater quality to it. And Lord, I I know you will honor that because I am saying no for the sake of my family. I'm not saying no because I'm tired. I'm not saying no because the church is exhausting. I'm not saying no because I'm insecure about my marriage. I'm saying no because I have my priorities in order. And my yes needs to be more specific. I have to say yes to Gianna when she needs me home to bathe her and to get her in her PJs and to put her to bed. I need to say yes to that. And ebbs and flows. In 18, 15 years, it won't be like that anymore. Gia and I, and Matthew and I will connect in different ways. If anything, we'll be doing all ministry together. So we'll be here connecting and doing it. But for this season, my kids need me. My babies need me. And God needs me to say yes to my kids before I say yes to a ton of other commitments. And I I have to place some serious boundaries for the sake of my family. And I know that the Lord will honor that.

SPEAKER_00 29:56

Yeah. Yeah, it's it's said that like your family's your first ministry, right?

SPEAKER_07 30:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:01

That's very true.

SPEAKER_07 30:01

Yes, it is.

SPEAKER_00 30:02

Now, what we see a lot often, and this might not be so good, but we see a lot of times where new parents they'll have a baby and they stop serving because they got a newborn at home. That's fine.

Serving As New Parents

SPEAKER_05 30:14

I love that you brought that up.

SPEAKER_00 30:15

They never get back on the horse. They never come back to serve. And it's like, hey guys, you're your your baby's a year old. Like I know. They can be in the in the kids ministry for a little bit.

SPEAKER_05 30:24

I know.

SPEAKER_00 30:24

Like, get back to to serving how you did before. You know? So what's the what's the deal with that?

SPEAKER_07 30:31

I don't know. Well, I will say fear is a huge thing with wives, with moms. I don't know what a man's biggest hurdle is when they start having kids, but for moms it's fear. And it manifests in many different ways: fear of health, fear of safety, fear of um not being able to manage it all. Even sometimes fear of other people speaking into your children. So you want to protect them. And it will hinder you in a way you could not imagine. And it's we always talk to the pregnant women and we tell them all the time when the second this baby comes, you're changing completely. Who you are without a baby and pregnant is not who you will be when the baby comes. Your brain, biologically, it will change and your personality will change. And the things that you did not fear before, you will now suddenly fear. But to be a fear-driven mom will not produce the fruit that you want it to produce. And your motive behind your choices with your children is everything. Because if it's driven by fear, then you will raise anxious kids and nervous kids. But if it is driven by the right priorities, it's driven by, I want to love, I do it out of love for my children, I do it out of a godliness for my children, I do it out of a boldness for my children, then that will create children that are bold and secure and confident. And I do think mothers will allow fear to prevent them from opening up their world again because they say will start to say no to a lot of things. They don't only say no to church, they say no to friendships, they say no to their husbands, they say no to interactions, they shut the world down for their child to protect, to protect, to protect. And it is not done with the right motive. It's all done with fear. And that, if you ever worry that your children will become anxious, well, if their mother is anxious, then what do you think is gonna happen? Your child doesn't feel secure. Your child's nervous, they're going, someone's gonna hurt them wherever they go. And you do, as a mother, have to push yourself to reopen your world again, to reopen your heart again. For some moms, it's easy. They're like, let's go, I don't really care about that. But the fear will pop up in other areas. We're all susceptible to it. But to the mothers that that have a lot of fear for their children, you do have to push yourself and you do have to come to this place of, okay, we're gonna put the kids in the children's ministry because it is time. They are six months, they're five months old. The church has put proper boundaries in place to keep my children safe. I need to start resuming normal life again. I have to start serving and I'm gonna bring my child along with me. And if my child is frustrated and if they cry, then my child has to acclimate to my life. They have to acclimate to my schedule. Because nobody talks about that in five years, you're gonna be kind of sick of constantly having your world revolve around your children. And there will be a day where you say, I need my normal life back. I need my normal schedule back, I need my normal personality back.

SPEAKER_00 34:04

And how fun is it if that normal means your kid is along with you because they're so used to you know, coming and sitting in church with you or coming and Gianni was at rehearsal last night with you.

SPEAKER_07 34:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:17

You know? She loves it. She's too little for rehearsal, but she loves to be there. So but that's your normal. That's your Tuesday nights, you're in rehearsal. So she's acclimating to you.

SPEAKER_05 34:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:27

And that's kids are adaptable.

SPEAKER_05 34:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:30

Like they they can get like they can figure it out.

SPEAKER_07 34:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:34

It kind of this is kind of segueing us into another topic of.

SPEAKER_07 34:37

Can I add to that one one more thing? You know, I think that this is not a feminist thing, this is a biblical statement. But the Proverbs 31 woman had a purpose. She knew her purpose was her family, she knew her purpose was her marriage, but she individually knew she had a purpose to contribute to the world. And it is very easy for us mothers to get into our motherhood cave where everything we do is for our kids. Everything we do is for our husband, everything we do is for our home. And there's aspects to that that's good because that's true. Yeah, we do have to our motherhood, mothers are the core of the home. We really are. And we do need to choose motherhood over everything else at certain aspects of our life. But the Bible in the Proverbs 31 woman, she buys a field with her own money. She goes into the marketplace and she sells her items. She recognizes she has an individual purpose outside of motherhood that she needs to contribute to the kingdom of God, that she needs to contribute to society. And yeah, you can have it all. You can be a mother of a lot of kids. You can have a happy husband, and you can run a business. You can serve in the church, you can work at the church, you can work out and have a good meal on the table at the end of the night. So I think that that's the danger of sinking into this motherhood, fearful cave. You forget your purpose. You forget that you are allowed to have a purpose. Our husbands have one and we have one. And it is our responsibility to contribute back into the kingdom of God. And that's not a feminist thing. The feminists have probably taken it and ruined it. But it's a biblical matter, it's a biblical principle that we all have purposes to contribute back to the church and back to the kingdom.

SPEAKER_00 36:33

I think it's interesting that all like really high capacity individuals, whoever you can fill in the blank for that one, they all have like five kids. It's crazy. Yes, they all are like in shape, they they make time to work out, yes, super healthy. They are have wealth that they've generated. Um, they all serve at their church. Yes, like they are they have a high capacity.

SPEAKER_05 36:58

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 36:58

Like they have learned to expand their capacity, yeah, and just add more to their life, yeah, without having to retract and be like soul, like only interested in one thing.

SPEAKER_07 37:10

It's so true.

SPEAKER_00 37:11

Like they got everything, they're juggling all these balls up in the air, yeah, and somehow they have the grace to do it.

SPEAKER_07 37:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:18

Which means there's no excuse.

SPEAKER_07 37:20

There's no excuse.

SPEAKER_00 37:21

You know, so kind of the maybe the last topic that we talk about is are our kids or can your children hurt your marriage? Have we seen that? Have we uh like walked that line of oh man, this is we've allowed our our kids, or we we've used our kids as an excuse to not focus on each other, or is it all good things and they're just help?

SPEAKER_07 37:49

What do you think? Because I want to think about my answer.

SPEAKER_00 37:52

I think that children are our kids are so fun and bring so much joy and fullness to our life that we can tend to forget about each other and use them as an excuse to not an intentional excuse, it just kind of happens naturally, but to really go back to the basics or the foundation like what you were saying earlier.

SPEAKER_03 38:17

Yes.

Priorities & Perspective

SPEAKER_00 38:17

Because our attention or our time is all on our kids, and they really fill us, they give us so much joy. Um, and I think a lot it's not just us, I know a lot of uh couples do this. Um so how do we balance that to where our kids are at the center of our lives, but not to the degree where it's gonna begin to hinder you and my relationship, our relationship.

SPEAKER_07 38:42

Yeah. Yeah. And then also everything comes down to your perspective in life. I think everything. And your choices and your priorities stem from your perspective. And it comes down to for mothers and wives, it comes down to these two statements. I cannot and I can. For me, I have caught myself at a fork in the road where the kids are overwhelming, marriage is overwhelming, and I can either say, I cannot do this, or I could say, I can do this, I can get my kids in order, and I could say, somebody take my kids for one night. I'm gonna go to the movies with my husband. Because let me first, if we're talking about basics, let me first make sure him and I are good. So we're gonna go watch a movie, we're gonna go out to eat, we're gonna go have fun, and I'm gonna prioritize you because I have to love you more than I love my kids, because they're gonna feel the outpouring of our love first. So that's my first thing. If I'm overwhelmed and I tell myself I could do this, I go and I prioritize you. Once we are good, then I manage my children. And somebody told me that I hope this answers your question, but if you if you do feel like you can't manage the relationships or if you can't manage the kids or the husbands, then it is all about adding and subtracting to your life. Are there some things we can subtract? Am I overcommitting to things? Do I have to go work out six days a week, or can I just minimize it to four days and I go for 30 minutes instead of a full hour? So subtract that. Can I add on somebody to help me make meals? Let me ask my parents to help us make a meal once a week. You, your mom, make me a meal. Um, can we add on prayer time every single morning? Where every day I get up and I read my Bible because that has to be what fills me and what aligns me. But it all comes down to me saying, I can do this. I can manage my marriage, I can manage my children by adding and subtracting things to my life, but I have to have a perspective of victory, not of defeat. I have to have a perspective of I can manage this, not this is managing me. I need to rise up as a woman of God and step into my role as a wife and say, I can do this and not let it conquer me, but I conquer it. And I think that if you choose to overly prioritize the children and it starts to harm your marriage, it might just question what the motive is then. Are you doing it out of fear? Are you doing it out of worry?

SPEAKER_00 41:53

Out of guilt sometimes.

SPEAKER_07 41:55

And sometimes, you know, it is easier to manage the kids than it is to manage our husbands.

SPEAKER_00 42:00

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_07 42:00

So it it's easier just to slip into the motherhood cave and to let our husbands do whatever. But that's not conquering the marriage. That's not rising up and getting a hold of what things need what needs to happen.

SPEAKER_00 42:13

And I remember, let me interrupt you real quick. I remember maybe Gianna was like one and a half or two years old. And Gianna's all mine. Like she is like your girl. My girl. And I'm her favorite. Okay. But uh you have Matthew. You get Matthew.

SPEAKER_04 42:31

Lately, though, we've me and G are like, yeah, we're chilling.

SPEAKER_00 42:34

But I remember you and I were kind of like in a rift, right?

SPEAKER_04 42:38

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 42:39

And this kind of came up a little bit, and I told you straight out, I was like, Steph, Gianna praises me for everything I do.

SPEAKER_02 42:47

I know.

SPEAKER_00 42:48

She loves on me all the time. Like she thinks I'm a superhero. Like she thinks I am the best.

SPEAKER_03 42:56

I remember this.

SPEAKER_00 42:57

She so I'm gonna be drawn to that. Like she's my little girl. Yes. I'm gonna want to give her everything, you know?

SPEAKER_06 43:05

Yes. And because I was thinking, you treat Gia better than you treat me.

SPEAKER_00 43:09

Yeah, yeah. That's what it all came out of. Yeah. And I was like, well, yeah, right now right now, currently, because we weren't in a great right now, yeah. Because look how look how she treats me.

SPEAKER_05 43:18

I remember that.

SPEAKER_00 43:18

You know, and it was totally wrong. Like, that's not like the way it should be.

SPEAKER_07 43:23

Yeah, because Matthew treats me better than you treat me. He serves me coffee in the morning, he cuddles with me all morning.

SPEAKER_00 43:28

But the point is that it could be easy, it could be easy to put our attention on our kids because they are easier to manage than our spouse.

SPEAKER_05 43:35

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 43:36

Because you are a lot more complicated than a two-year-old, you know, who's gonna just do everything I tell her to do.

SPEAKER_02 43:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 43:42

You're not gonna do anything I tell you to do.

SPEAKER_02 43:46

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 43:48

The point is, like, it's gotta be you and me. And we have to figure out how to how to manage each other and how to not manage each other, how to No, and manage the marriage. Yeah, manage the marriage. Yeah. And it's gonna be more complicated. Yeah. Right.

SPEAKER_07 44:00

And sometimes it is a management. Once a week we have to go, we at least have to have like you and me time. If it's not a date night, then at least we're just having a morning together or a walk together. Like sometimes even a drive together is nice. And we just get to listen to music and we're laughing. I know. She's Louise. But that you're absolutely right. Like we we just cut when we're overwhelmed, we run to the things that are just easier to manage instead of actually fixing the problems.

SPEAKER_00 44:29

And that easier to manage, quote unquote, you could fill in the blank. That could be maybe that's going to the gym for the guy because that's his just he puts his headphones on and he loves to manage his manage his fitness or for the girl that could be shopping or work all day or like whatever listener can fill in that blank.

SPEAKER_05 44:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:48

But you can't let that run wild because your spouse should be the priority.

SPEAKER_07 44:54

And I think to answer your question directly, do kids hinder the marriage? It will if you allow it to. And it could strengthen the marriage if you allow it to. That's why I'm saying women don't be such victims to life. Like get a hold of it. Step up. Don't be a wounded bird. Declare over your home, I am the queen of this home. I'm stepping up and I'm gonna manage. And I'm calling my mom, I'm calling the babysitter, and we're gonna get help, we're gonna get get help with the kids because you and I need to go on a date. And it it your husband will respond to that. And you know what else? The kids will reflect your your dysfunction. They will. If you and I are in a weird place, Gia has the worst attitude. And then the second you and I are like on the same page, they are the sweetest children. They feel the safety, they feel the security. So yeah, like it, if you wanna you will bless the kids the most by loving each other first.

SPEAKER_00 45:56

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_07 45:57

And it's all it all comes down to perspective, it all comes down to how you see yourself as a mom.

SPEAKER_00 46:02

Yeah, putting putting them first and you second is actually hurting them down the line.

SPEAKER_07 46:08

You know, it is. This was a wonderful conversation. I think this was one of our best.

SPEAKER_06 46:14

At least, let's see.

SPEAKER_07 46:15

Yeah, for us it'll be. If everybody else doesn't like it, then sorry. Well, thank you for tuning in to the Aless, the family business. Let me see it again. Well, thank you for tuning in to the family business with the Alessis. We hope that this blessed you. We hope this conversation encouraged you and gave you some wisdom for your family and for your marriage and for your day. Be blessed today and tune back in for more podcasts. Go explore on our YouTube page all of our old podcasts because they're really, really good. And check back in for more. We love you. Have a good one.

SPEAKER_01 46:50

Thanks so much for joining the Family Business today. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to follow or subscribe, share with a friend, and leave us a review. We appreciate your support and can't wait to have you join us next time because family is everybody's business.