What Happens When You Can No Longer Lie to Yourself?

In my first episode back after a three-year hiatus giving birth and raising my babies, I open up about what it actually feels like to come out of the postpartum fog. After two back-to-back pregnancies, suddenly I don’t fully recognize my life, or myself, anymore.

There’s a moment in life no one really prepares you for. The moment where everything you ever wanted is finally here. The love, the partner, the babies, the home, the life you spent years dreaming about, and yet, somewhere inside of it, you feel like you’ve disappeared.

This is a conversation about identity. About nervous system truth. About the difference between a life that looks good and one that actually feels good.

If you’re a mother who feels stretched between who you used to be and who you are now, if you’ve built a life that “should” make you happy but something feels off, if you’re craving a way back to yourself, your voice, your energy — this episode is for you.

Highlights:

• The disorienting “waking up” after survival mode
• Losing yourself in love, motherhood, and the life you thought you wanted
• The pressure to be grateful when something doesn’t feel right
• The quiet resentment that builds when you ignore your body’s cues
• And the truth so many women are afraid to say out loud: just because you’re good at something… doesn’t mean it’s meant for you

You’re Invited is produced by Six-Two Studio.

Transcript

Alex Cantone (00:21.45) I really don't know where to start. It's like all of the sudden I'm just being confronted with all of it, with the speed of all of this, with this feeling like I'm finally coming back online.

Like I'm, my eyes are opening again and I'm looking around and I'm like, what just happened? It's all just moved so quickly and it's been a lot. It's like there's something happening where I'm sitting here and I'm finally able to look back on the past four years.

and ask myself like is am I okay? Am I happy? Do I like this setup? And I thought that the answer would be yes. I really thought that the answer would be yes. It should be yes, right? It should be yes. Because

I have everything that I ever wanted. Everything and more.

I yearned for love for so many years. I mean, I think I was hardwired from birth to want to find my soulmate. Like it was something that I was just enamored by. The idea of finding someone who you love, who loves you back. The idea of

Alex Cantone (02:27.63) Creating a life together and creating life together, creating kids, having my own family, where I get to be a parent how I want to be a parent. I had this...

vision for how it might look. And for so many years, I just yearned for it and yearned for it. I wanted it so bad. I wanted it so bad. So much so that when it arrived, I was just so happy that it happened, that I was being chosen.

that someone was genuinely falling in love with me, that they were choosing me, me. This me that I had taken so long to build, this me that I had really gotten to know, a me that I had

fallen in love with. A me that was courageous and brave and confident and a me that knew myself. Like I was really in a place where I knew myself. I loved myself. I loved my life.

Even though there were things I knew I wanted, I loved my life. And I really trusted myself. I had created this amazing online community. I mean, I guess the community really created it for me. I don't know, I guess we all created it together. my gosh, and it was so hard to do that.

Alex Cantone (04:46.806) It was so fucking hard to do that because you don't know what you're doing and the bravery that it takes to share yourself online knowing that it's really not about the strangers. It was never about the strangers for me, like the people I didn't actually know. It was about

The people who knew me, seeing me show up like that and showing up when I had nothing, when I had no followers, no credibility, no business, no nothing, just showing up because I believed that there was something there, that I believed in me, that I believed it was worth it.

to risk all of that, what it really is, it's risking nothing, but you don't feel like that at the time. Because you have the, are people gonna think about me? And my gosh, are they gonna talk about me? All of the human things that come up when we start sharing on the internet because it's a vulnerable thing to do. But I just kept doing it and I kept doing it and I kept doing it. And it evolved.

It evolved, but I built this beautiful, amazing community who I felt like really knew me. And I think they felt like I knew them, like I was willing to know them, to understand them, to see them, because I was. And man, I just felt so seen.

I felt so incredibly held. I felt like when I was there, I was tapped into something otherworldly. Like this part of me that was deeper than what was physically me. It was like that online version of me was ethereal. It was

Alex Cantone (07:10.75) spiritual, was psychic, was this channel to this unlimited wealth of information and knowledge and knowing that I would talk and I would share things and I would create things and I would have to look back at them because I was like, where is that even coming from? And I knew it was me. I knew it was this part of me that I

had figured out how to tap into this expertise that I had, this information that just got me so fired up and I was really so good at translating it and communicating it and digesting it and then helping to create digestible information for people who maybe didn't know how

to translate it or understand it in the way that I did. And as I continued to grow there and continued to share and continued to nourish that space, I really started to feel like an expert there. I really started to feel like people saw me and people recognized me and people wanted more of me and more from me.

And I was so eager to keep creating and keep building and keep growing and keep experimenting and creating all different kinds of offerings and resources and collaborations and partnering with people. I was just literally willing to do anything because it was exciting. And it was the first time that I was doing something on a career path that was making money that I actually loved that actually felt like, this is pretty easy.

You know, the hard part was the managing and the growing and the strategizing and structuring of a business. That was challenging. And I think when I got to the place where Chris and I met and we started dating, I was at this crossroads in my business. There were a lot of things that I was struggling with and a lot of things that weren't working and

Alex Cantone (09:31.35) I was really struggling financially. Things were changing. They were coming out of COVID times. I just felt scattered. And so many entrepreneurs around me, Chris included, they understood that because that's part of the entrepreneurial journey. And it was an important part of my journey. I needed to create some space. I didn't know why, but I needed to create some space and

I was falling in love. was merging worlds with someone. I was experiencing these feelings and going on these adventures and doing these things that I had never done before. I had never experienced a true, genuine, real love. And it was all happening so fast and I was so into it. Like I was so excited. It was the best thing.

It really is. It's the best thing to fall in love. And the way that I am is when I'm excited about something in my life, it's hard for me to take my focus away from anything but that thing that I'm excited about. And that love became my focus. That relationship became my everything. It was so exciting. It was so thrilling that it's all that mattered.

and I felt taken care of. I felt like there was someone who really genuinely had my back for the first time, who really genuinely saw me and understood me on the deepest, most personal level. And I was falling in love so quickly, so hard, so fast, and all of a sudden I'm pregnant. Now, yeah, I'm in love at this point.

We've just moved in together, but we're just barely three months into our relationship and, you know, we still really don't know each other. When I look back on the last four years, I realized that we've spent the last four years getting to know each other while having two kids, building a family, building a business, building a life, buying a house, renovating that house. It's like,

Alex Cantone (11:56.344) There's always been something that we've been doing, that we've been growing, that we've been working towards together. And I love all of the things that we have. I love my relationship. I love, I love it all. I really do. But somewhere along the way, I lost myself in the love and in the wanting of it all. And

I'm starting to wake up. I'm emerging from the postpartum fog because it takes a really long time. I've had two kids back to back almost a year apart. And now I'm just over 18 months out from my last birth. And I feel like now I'm starting to come out of the fog.

And now I'm emerging and now I'm opening my eyes and now I'm looking around and I'm going, okay, wow, this is a lot. I did all this? What just happened? It's like, I just got off of a roller coaster ride I didn't even know I was on. And maybe it's that, you know, I think pregnancy and

birth and the postpartum period and those early days, it's really all survival. It puts us into this primal, the most primal version of us. And so we only can be with the moment that we're in. When we're pregnant, our body is laser focused on building this human, this

miraculous job that we're doing, we're building a human. And so why would I think about anything else but that? Why would I focus on anything else but that? And I tried, I really tried to keep up, you know, to keep doing what I was doing, to keep sharing myself online, to keep working with clients, to keep building this thing I was building.

Alex Cantone (14:19.07) And it just, it became so hard to focus and, you know, we had to sit down and really talk about what was the best use of my time and my energy. And I didn't feel like I had an option. I felt like, well, I have to give everything I have to building and growing this baby and preparing for birth.

because this is the most important thing right now. And so here's this moment where I step away, where we make an even bigger decision to merge ourselves together, where I'm affirmed that I'm going to be supported and cared for, where my contribution

is honored, which is the one of growing and birthing the baby, not being the most important contribution of all. And, you know, of course there's real life stuff, like that's an adjustment. It's an adjustment for both of us. And we're new at this. We're new at us. And so it's even more layered. And then the birth happens. And it's so scary.

And it's so traumatic. And it's so unlike all of the things that I had wanted and envisioned and expected my birth to be. And I'm rocked with the grief. Absolutely rocked with the grief and thrown into motherhood in just, my gosh, I have

Of course, like everyone does, you know, those pinpointed little moments of what it was like in the beginning. And it's even still hard to put it into words because it does feel like such a blur. And I am such a sensitive, emotional person. And so I just know that I cried so much.

Alex Cantone (16:43.662) Constantly I was so tired you know when you go from being able to just focus on you and yourself and your needs and then you're ripped open and you're bleeding and you're puffy and you're confused and You're exhausted and then you're handed a baby and you're like Wait a second how? How do I do any of this?

But I was in it. I was invested. I was mom. And just a few weeks after I had Hartley, I can't remember exactly how long after, but I think we had been talking about like, it would be cool to flip a house or I don't know, Chris had been thinking about it or talking about it and we had like,

done this kind of test run with one of our bathrooms and he wanted me to design the bathroom and I was like, that's amazing. I'd love to redo the bathroom and then all of a sudden the next thing you know in true entrepreneurial fashion then we're buying a flip, a house to flip. And I'm kind of like in this place where, you know, I'm so tired, the postpartum

waves, just I'm in this ocean of this aimless, unknown everything, like what is my life and what is happening and what am I doing? And Chris is like, do you want to design this house? And so, yeah, I'm looking for something to focus on. I'm looking for a distraction. I'm

so lost, I'm so tired, I don't know which way is up and of course I want a little project to work on. I get to be creative, let's go, let's do it. And so we do it. And I look back on that house and the design was absolutely awful, but I did it good enough to the point where we broke a record in the neighborhood and then Chris really liked that. And so we

Alex Cantone (19:12.696) bought another one pretty immediately and it just kind of kept happening, like getting more and more houses. And all of a sudden I was pregnant again five months later after having Hartley.

and now I'm a designer and now we're working on these houses and it's like so chaotic and I hate where we live because we've moved to the top of this mountain and we're so isolated and now I'm in my first trimester of pregnancy. Like I literally get pregnant the second we move up there.

And now I have a five month old and I'm in my first trimester and I'm on 200 acres and I can't see another house. And it takes me 20 minutes to get down to get anywhere. And I have no community. None of my friends have kids yet who are local. And I have no one. And I'm having to do this job that I didn't really ask for.

but I'm just doing it because it's exciting and it's creative and because I love this person.

So I'm on the top of this mountain, isolated, taking care of a newborn, pregnant with another one.

Alex Cantone (20:52.01) in this new job because I love this person.

I didn't want to move to the mountain. I didn't want to live there. But he did. And so I said, okay, I'm doing it for you. And I wonder if a lot of the last four years has been me just a little bit clouded between

me actually wanting something for me and now I'm having to make decisions with and for another person because I love them and because I want to make them happy.

And because I have felt aimless because I'm the one who's been ripped open and I'm the one who's had to go through all of these hormonal changes and all of the emotional ups and downs and sacrificing my body to grow to humans in a row when I wasn't even healed yet.

And I'm not like saying that I'm a victim to any of this stuff. It's like, I wanted all of this. But I sit here four years later and I look back and I'm wondering if it's working.

Alex Cantone (22:40.482) Does it work for me to make these sacrifices? Do I want to live the rest of my life and the rest of my marriage feeling like I'm the one to make the sacrifices? The whole designing thing and the house flipping thing felt like

I needed to feel important outside of my home. I needed to feel like I had something beyond just taking care of babies because that's a really isolating job to have.

or at least it was and is for me. It doesn't feel good when I don't have something that I'm working on creatively. And at the time, that was the low-hanging fruit that was very easily and readily available to me. I offered an opportunity to do something.

I didn't have the energy at the time to share myself online again. I didn't have the energy to go back to my clients to start trying to create things and make money there again. I hadn't really set myself up in a way that allowed me to leave my business and go back to it.

and make it work in this evergreen way, I just wasn't there. The timing didn't work out there. And so it didn't feel like I could go back there. And I didn't feel like I knew how to go back there at the time. So there was an opportunity and I was happy to take it. I did get these hits and

Alex Cantone (24:54.274) do get these hits of recognition, but it always falls flat. And I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate doing it. I hate doing it. I hate doing it. It zaps the life out of me. It's annoying as fuck. I hate construction. I hate the smells. I hate going into

a mess of a house and having a look at it. You know, but I am a sucker for the transformation and for beauty and for good taste and design. And so there is a part of me that does enjoy it, but it is so incredibly overwhelming to the point where it just sucks the life out of me. And I hate feeling lifeless.

in a life that is supposed to be so full and so beautiful and everything I've ever wanted? Why do I feel lifeless in something that is so beautiful? I've really been grappling with this over the last few months because it's continued to come up over and over and over again, the overwhelm that I feel. You know,

Constantly making comments of like if I never had to design a house again, I'd be fine. This isn't my passion You know, I really don't love it. I hate doing this. I Mean how much clearer could I be right? Like what other signals do I need for myself? To get the hint What else do I need? The most recent project that we have

I've been working on it and it's the biggest project, the most massive project that we've ever done. I was overwhelmed, not excited by it. Made it clear that I wasn't. But you know, it's my opportunity to like get away from the kids and be creative. And so it's a breadcrumb and I'll take what I can get. And I just couldn't wait to get it over with.

Alex Cantone (27:20.716) I just wanted to get the design done so badly so I didn't have to think about it anymore. And I think sometimes I confuse this like obsessing over something with the liking of it. Like I think, if I'm really focused on it, it means I'm excited about it or it means I like it. And I realized recently that

Those two things don't go together, at least not all the time. Just because I'm someone who gets really laser focused on something that's in front of me doesn't mean that that thing in front of me is the correct thing for me.

to be focusing on. And so that's been really hard because it has created a lot for us. This success in that area has created a lot for us. And we have set ourselves up in a way that I'm gonna say, we've set ourselves up in a way that feels really good, but

It doesn't feel good for me. It doesn't feel good for me. And that's why I'm struggling because I'm like, I thought that this was the setup that was going to work and it's not working. I thought I was just going to be okay doing it and it's just not working.

And I can't pretend it's not fair. If Chris came to me and was like, I loathe my job. I loathe my company. I want to burn it all down. And I want to live a different life and figure something else out. I would be like, let's fucking go.

Alex Cantone (29:25.974) We can sell our stuff. Cause I don't want you to die inside of this life that we think is supposed to be good for us. And I think I've just been like freely asking myself, is that what I'm doing?

Because if this was a job and I just worked at some place and this was my job, I would quit today. I would quit yesterday. I would have quit three months ago.

Alex Cantone (30:04.63) And it sucks because I know I'm good at this. And this is the shit that I have dealt with my whole life, which sounds so stupid of like, this is such a problem. It's like, I'm good at random things. I'm good at anything I do. I pick something up and I could be good at it really, really fast. But just because I'm good at something doesn't mean I love doing it.

Just because I'm good at something doesn't mean I want to do it. Just because I'm good at something doesn't mean I have to do it. It doesn't mean that should be my career. Okay, I'm good at interior design, but I'm not passionate about it. I don't wanna do this. I don't wanna spend my days doing something I don't like doing. Like, is that so?

odd to say. Why have I gotten to this place where I like can't accept that as the situation that I'm in? When I used to be the queen of like preaching how you should do life and set your life up and create your life in such a way that you love your days. Like that you should love what you do and you should be

passionate about how you spend your time and how you spend your energy and you should be selective about that and choosy about that. I'm literally doing the opposite of everything I ever taught anyone to do. If someone came to me, a client came to me, a mother, so many mothers who I've worked with who've been in positions like this, and they're just stuck, right? Because it's so easy to get stuck. It's so easy to lose yourself and to not know which way is up and to

start doing things that you feel like you need to do that might not feel good, but you don't know yourself anymore. And so you just start filling your life with things because you don't know where else to go and you don't know what else to do. And then all of a sudden it's been a little bit of time and you wake up and you look at yourself in the mirror and you don't even know who is looking back at you. And you ask yourself, what am I doing? Why am I doing this? And why does none of this feel good?

Alex Cantone (32:33.83) And if a mom came to me and they said this, would say, well, first of all, maybe you should sit down and have an honest conversation with your partner about this, right?

But what do you really wanna do if you could create anything? If you didn't have to box yourself into this way of creating, then what would you do? And if I'm asking myself that question and I could really remove all of the barriers, all of the logistics of it,

not think about what it would mean to leave that job, that role that I play. If it really got to look like how I wanted it to look, I would step back into this space again. I would carve out time for speaking. I would have an overflow of creative energy.

with my kids, I wouldn't have to save it for something I wouldn't have to be thinking about conserving my energy all the time for these projects that I don't want to be working on. I would really get to watch my kids, really get to be with them, because that's what I feel on the weeks where I'm not as busy. I have my best days with them. I have my best days with myself.

I have the capacity to show up as the mom that I want to be. And I would pour my energy back into this space. I would start talking again. I would start writing again. I would start sharing again. And I don't know where any of that would lead me, which is the hard part. Because as much as I try to take the logistics and

Alex Cantone (34:48.458) all of the details out of it and think about this dream life, all I can think about is how would I make a contribution? How could I possibly match the contribution that I'm making now? And is it worth it? Is it worth it to have any of this stuff if I'm...

not happy inside of all of it. I'm just sitting here replaying conversations because this is a scary one because it does feel like so much is on me and we've tried to restructure and re-strategize and reorganize things and

edit the setup over and over and over and over again, go at it from different angles, what do I need? But it's just sucking the life out of me. And I can't be dishonest about that. I can't pretend like that's not happening. And I can't live like that. It's not worth it. Nothing is worth that feeling.

nothing at all. I've tried so hard to add this identity of designer to my resume. It just doesn't fit. It just feels like I'm living a double life. So yeah, I don't care.

about that part of me. I mean, sure, it pays the bills and whatever, buys nice things. Surely that should count for something. But I'm starting to wonder if it really matters as much as I thought it did or thought it should. If the sacrifice is worth it, I desperately wish.

Alex Cantone (37:10.104) that there was another way. Because I'm going to end up resenting my life.

and all of the people closest to me. If I keep lying to myself, if I keep pretending that it's okay when it's just not, I'm not a designer. I don't wish that identity to be one that I have, that I'm proud of, I'm not proud of it. Sure, I can look at the houses and go,

yeah, we did that. Awesome. I get a pat on the back, you know, when we sell one and it goes well and then always find myself at the end and throughout complaining about how I don't feel recognized, I don't feel seen, I just don't feel like I'm truly being celebrated. I don't feel... It's like, yeah, no shit because you don't want to be doing it. It's not about...

the not being recognized, the not being celebrated. How much more could you want? It bought you a house. It bought you anything you could buy. I don't know what else I could get that could solidify this achievement and create this feeling of I'm seen, I'm recognized, because unfortunately I have this other thing.

that I'll forever compare it to. Because I know what it actually feels like to feel seen, to feel recognized, to feel invited in a space that you're passionate about. A space that just feels like you. A space you're excited to build and grow and work towards and create and mess up.

Alex Cantone (39:14.83) because it doesn't even matter if you mess up. Because it's fun, because you're creating, because you're enjoying it while you're doing it. That feeling of like tapping into this other space where I'm just, I'm a different version. I'm light. I'm on. I'm turned on. Like I'm tapped in. I don't get that anywhere else.

try to fabricate it, but I don't get it anywhere else. It just feels heavy everywhere else.

and I can't stand to feel that way anymore.