How Are You Designed to be Nourished?

I’ve been struggling with self-care since becoming a mom, and not just finding the time for it, but actually knowing what to do with the time when I have it.

In this episode, I’m sharing what’s been coming up for me as I navigate this new season where I technically have space for myself — two full days a week — and still find myself feeling lost, overwhelmed, and honestly; busy doing nothing.

This is a real-time reflection on what it looks like to relearn myself, to stop defaulting to what self-care should look like, and to finally ask a much more honest question: what actually nourishes me?

This episode is for the mom who finally gets a moment to herself; and freezes. The one who feels like she should know how to take care of herself, but doesn’t anymore. And it’s a reminder that maybe nothing has gone wrong — you’re just being asked to meet yourself in a completely new way.

Highlights:

• The unexpected struggle of having time for yourself and not knowing how to use it
• The pattern of being “busy doing nothing” and what’s actually underneath it
• Why typical self-care (gym, yoga, errands) wasn’t truly filling me up
• The difference between self-care and real, system-specific nourishment
• How using my voice became the most energizing and regulating practice for me

You’re Invited is produced by Six-Two Studio.

Transcript

Alex Cantone (00:21.646) I've been struggling with self-care since becoming a mom. I know, it's shocking. It's been the hardest thing for me. The hardest thing for me since becoming a mom has been, not even just taking care of myself, but knowing how to take care of myself.

really knowing how to utilize the time that I have for self-care. I started recording this because we have this new setup that Chris and I established and I have Wednesdays and Fridays completely off from being a parent. Ultimately it led to this because

Over and over again, I kept struggling with this thing of like, don't know myself anymore. I don't know myself anymore. I don't know how to take care of myself anymore. don't, it's not even like, I don't have time for the self care. It's like, I don't even know what to do with the time that I have. And I don't know where to start. And so,

Chris came to me after many conversations about this from different angles and said, let's come up with a different plan. Let's come up with something that works, something that feels good for both of us. Because I find myself in these situations where I'm, you know, I'm a people pleaser and I'll just say,

Yes, yeah, go ahead, take that time, do that thing, you know, take care of you, because I'm this like advocate for self-care. Yeah, go take, go do it, go do it, even through gritted teeth, even through that little twinge of resentment in the back of my mind that I might not even know is resentment building until it explodes. And then when it does explode, it's this thing that's like,

Alex Cantone (02:49.07) Gosh, like there's no time for me. Why the hell isn't there any time for me? And what do I do? What do I do with this time? And so the first week of this setup, this new arrangement that we had come up with, I worked myself to the ground. I squeezed every little drop out of every single minute that I had.

You know, I had a little bit of work to do. had to finish up a project and I just wanted to get it done so badly. I just wanted it to be over so badly that I used all of that time to do that. And when my me time was over, I was so exhausted that I got sick and then I was sick for five days. And I'm like, huh.

Well, that didn't really unfold in the way that it was supposed to. And, you know, I've just been kind of struggling with this same thing over and over and over again, which is I kind of don't know how to manage my time. If you hear a blinker, it's because I have driven.

I'm just driving, I'm driving aimlessly because this is a problem is I don't know what to do with my time. So I had a plan this morning and so far, up until the drive started, I had really been sticking to it. I was going to go to the gym, go to the coworking space and

do a couple of like household to do's, things that I just needed to check my email, know, things I've been meaning to get to, that type of stuff. And then I had a yoga class, which had to be scheduled. I had to sign up for it, which forced me off my laptop. And then I was gonna create. So I brought my microphone, had all of my stuff, and I was like,

Alex Cantone (05:13.154) Yeah, maybe I'll go to, you know, a river or something and sit and just record with a flowing river in the background. I don't know. Go to an empty park, record. That all just started to feel a little exposed and weird. And so I was like, well, maybe I'll just drive. I'm in Colorado. I'll just drive. And, you know, the driving will...

lead me somewhere, surely I'll find a place to pull over and find some peace and quiet. But then it just turned into an aimless drive and then I'm sitting in bumper to bumper traffic and I'm looking at the clock and my time is ticking. And once again, I've made it so much more complicated than it has to be. And that's

what I keep finding myself doing in each season of motherhood that I've been in because I've been in a couple of seasons now. You know, the newborn phase where the self-care and the rest is mostly just happening with a baby attached to you or when you've got an extra set of hands around and

have that space to nap. That was really all I wanted or needed or felt like I had access to in that phase. And maybe there were little things here and there, right? I think that the point is there are all of these things that are like typical checklist of self-care items, right, that I can do. I can like go to the gym. I could take the yoga class. I could...

sit in the hot tub at the gym, or I could get a massage. I could go shopping downtown. There's all these different things. All of these things that are more of those generic ideas about what self-care might be. Alone time in general, right, can be self-care. And it's not that those things aren't, but I think up until maybe today.

Alex Cantone (07:40.856) just more recently, I haven't asked myself the right question. haven't asked myself the specific question that's been needed, which is what nourishes me? What makes me feel nourished? And when I go back into my little mental log and I think about it, all of those other things that I listed,

although they might be relaxing and they might be a nice little break, they still leave me tired, a little depleted at the end, except for when I'm doing this, when I'm talking. There's something about me talking, me by myself especially, talking into the microphone, just...

talking into my phone like I'm doing right now, where it energizes me. And there's really not many things. There's really nothing else I can think of, genuinely nothing else I could think of besides something synthetic like caffeine that genuinely energizes me. Everything else, even things that I love to do, can deplete me. I love being with my kids.

I especially love getting lost in my kids' world. Like my favorite days are when I really just let myself get lost in play with them, in their imaginations, in whatever it is they want to do. And when I don't have

a rigid schedule or structure and can just flow with it all. Those days feel so good. And so when I have these days for me where I don't have another person to live life through, right? Because when I'm with my kids, there is this element of I'm living life through them. I'm there.

Alex Cantone (10:04.162) but it's all about them, it isn't about me. And because that, at least what I've found, tends to be so much of what parenting is in these early days, it's become default for me to really not tend to myself, to my world, and to get myself engrossed in the needs and the wants and the desires and the responsibilities that is

being a parent, that is raising two toddlers. And it's so all encompassing. It's so rewarding and it's so draining. And it's especially draining and depleting when I don't have that time or utilize that time that I do have to pour back into me.

simply because I don't know how or that I'm just really not giving myself the right things. And so I've just been thinking about myself in terms of human design and what's showing up when this is happening. Because the phrase that I've been using for months, maybe years is

that I find myself constantly busy doing nothing. And I'm like, what am I doing? What am I filling my time with? I've been through different seasons of different childcare setups. And honestly, as I'm looking back so much of it feels like a blur, but one pattern through line.

that I see in all of it is that no matter what the setup has been, I find myself on the days where I have the most time freedom actually wasting the most time. And I haven't understood and am still struggling to understand why that happens. And I think there's an element of just simply being overwhelmed by motherhood.

Alex Cantone (12:27.978) simply being so fatigued in the decision-making arena that when I have the freedom and the time laid out in front of me, I have no resources and no capacity to call on to actually make a decision, to make the best decision for me. And that feels really disorienting and I feel really defeated on those days. But

A lot of it has been happening unconsciously until recently where I came out of this last fog of sickness and I was like, you know, I really, something really has to change. I have to stop denying myself of the nourishment that my uniqueness requires. Because like I said, it's so easy to think about what on paper is meant to be or said to be self-care, right?

and to do those things, and there's nothing wrong with those things. But if we're not specifically nourishing our unique system, the things that our mind thinks our self-care are good for us might not be hitting the mark. And so when I think about this pattern of depletion and exhaustion and bitterness and resentment of

Why am I always last? Why am I not being cared for? Why am I not being tended to? And there's many times where I make myself the victim. I'm the victim to my setup. I'm the victim of my, in my relationship, right? my husband isn't doing enough. Or, you know, my kids are just at this age where it's not about me. It's all about them.

or this is just the phase of life I'm in. This will pass, this will pass. I find myself saying that a lot. It's just a season, it's just a phase. But I just don't want there to be any phase of my life where I have to ask permission to take a shower.

Alex Cantone (14:42.998) I remember hearing that maybe before I became a parent. And when I am a bystander of conversations adjacent to that sentiment, I find myself being like, gosh, could never, I could never be that type of mom, that type of person who doesn't know how to take care of herself because I am like the

queen of self-care, you know? Well, I was wrong because I have become that person. I've become that person who doesn't know what to do with her time and needs help with managing it. And in a season where motherhood asks so much of us on all levels,

I think that it actually is not just an important thing, but an incredibly beautiful thing to lean on someone else to be that mirror and to ask those questions and to guide us in figuring out what's not just care for us, but what is genuine nourishment for our systems.

and how might our tendencies, our conditioning, our current setup, our environment, be hindering us from accessing that nourishment or simply just distracting us in our time. For me, that question or that statement of, gosh, I'm just so busy doing nothing all the time, really points me to my

undefined head and my undefined root. And I think that when I was sort of left to my own devices, didn't have kids, didn't have a partner, I really could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, especially when I had my own business and I had all of this time freedom and all of this energy freedom. I probably struggled with this, but didn't even realize because it didn't matter. Because if I spent my days

Alex Cantone (17:10.04) just being busy for the sake of being busy, there really weren't consequences in the way that there are now. Because now, if I just be busy for the sake of being busy, I have to pay for it later and I feel it because my energy is so precious now. And because the life and the setup that I have right now,

requires more discipline. I think that was a word that I was a little afraid of using and having in my vocabulary for a while because I thought, that sounds so rigid and so like masculine and, and gosh, discipline and structure and, I don't want that. But without discipline and without structure,

There is no container for me to flow and there is no balance. And so I need to call on the part of me that can be disciplined, that knows how to structure a day, a routine, so that I have freedom to play within these containers that I create for myself so that my time is utilized for nourishment.

and pouring back into me. And I'm sure this is something that any parent could relate to, is this struggle of how do I take care of myself when I'm just sometimes barely hanging on by a thread to take care of everyone else and everything else in my life? You know, the house, the kids, partner.

the dogs, all the things. It's like the list goes on and on and on sometimes. But I think what I find is even if I have a full day and that full day can be intimidating to have, it has been for me, especially in the beginning. What am I supposed to do with a full day? But really that self nourishment typically doesn't take longer than

Alex Cantone (19:34.414) 30 minutes to an hour. For me, I can talk for 30 minutes straight, get into a flow, and feel complete pretty quickly. And what that does to me after the fact is it clears my system. It kind of organizes all this scatter that lives inside of me. You know, the things that wake me up at

three o'clock in the morning, the thoughts, the to-dos, the chores, the tasks that I think, oh, I have to get to that tomorrow, making this mental list and all of these things. But when I get to talking, it's never about any of that stuff. But for some reason, when I'm finished talking, I'm no longer thinking about those things, or I find an easy way for those things to be taken care of.

there's an easy solution or someone else has already taken care of them. They've been taken care of, right? I don't need to worry about it. So I'm just worrying about things that don't actually matter, that aren't actually problems. And when I speak and I finish speaking and I'm complete there, I notice that my body doesn't feel so busy anymore. And suddenly that problem

that I've been dealing with, gosh, I'm just so busy doing nothing, is gone. Or at least the volume has turned down just a little bit. Or my direction becomes very clear. here's what I want to or need to do next. Letting myself talk and getting into a flow with my voice, orients me back into alignment.

with myself as a self-projected projector. It's like all of that energy that's been building up in that openness that can be so vulnerable, especially when we're in a hectic or busy season where we're pouring into other people, gets channeled into that place that's steady and strong and

Alex Cantone (21:57.74) suddenly I can see what's actually happening for me, what's actually going on. And it's funny that it pretty much never has to do with any of the things that I'm anxious about. It's funny how my body sort of gravitates to anxiety and worrying when it's been a while since I've released my voice and

I think I really needed time away from the microphone and away from this type of release to understand the importance of it. Not just on a surface emotional kind of level of like, that felt really good, but genuinely on a physical

energetic, deep, deep level that is so important for my health. Because without my voice, I truly feel aimless. I feel directionless. And if I know anything about being a self-projected projector, it's that my sense of direction, my inner compass,

is the thing that leads me through my life. That's what I rely on. And so if my compass is stationed in the wrong area, if it's stationed in my mind, then all of the decisions I'm making that I think I should be making or the things that I'm doing that I think I should be doing are not just not nourishing for my system.

but they can actually be harmful. I think on an energetic level, that's a lot of what is making me sick, is that I've been denying myself of the space where I not only feel most nourished, but the space where I feel most recognized and most seen. And this has been an extremely

Alex Cantone (24:24.6) humbling lesson for me because I honestly really did think that I had it a lot of it figured out I thought that My awareness of my energy this deep awareness that I had cultivated prior to becoming a parent was going to be naturally carried into my role as mom when I became that and

When I did become a mom, it unraveled me. Everything I thought I knew was kind of gone. All of this information that felt like was at my fingertips, I didn't feel I had the capacity to access anymore. And I kind of turned my back to human design in the early days, not because I didn't

like it or think it worked anymore. But I think more so because I was in survival mode, it just didn't even feel like something I could access. It didn't feel like it mattered. Little did I know the information and the alignment of the information and the embodiment of it would be the thing that

would get me out of survival mode the fastest. And if motherhood has shown me anything, it's that everything I think I know, I don't know. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's actually really freeing because I'm getting to use

this information that I used to preach and really have to consider it and apply it in a way that life hadn't forced me to previously. And because I have less time freedom and less energy freedom, I'm being challenged to

Alex Cantone (26:51.072) actually live in more integrity and deeper integrity and deeper alignment with myself and with my design. And so as I've been turning a corner in this whole experience,

that's been something that actually feels very exciting to me is this idea that I get to emerge this time more honest and more truthful and more aligned with myself and even further more nourished than I've ever

felt before because through these hard lessons, I've learned what actually nourishes me, what actually fills me up. And I think as projectors, it's important that we get incredibly specific because projectors is really more of just a blanket.

statement, right? It's just, it's just a type. But beneath the layers of your unique projector-ness is a map that points to exactly how and where you are designed to be nourished. And for me, freeing my voice has been the most relaxing

experience of motherhood.