How do Projectors Navigate Friendships?

I didn’t grow up with examples of healthy conflict. I learned to avoid it, to keep the peace, to let things go even when they didn’t feel good. And now, in my 30s, I’m learning something completely new; how to have hard conversations, how to tell the truth, and how to risk the relationship in order to actually have one that’s real.

In this episode, I’m sharing what’s been unfolding for me as I move through friendship shifts, breakups, and deeper levels of honesty in my relationships, especially in this season of motherhood where my capacity has changed and I can’t keep pretending anymore.

This episode is for anyone who struggles to speak up, who fears that honesty might cost them the relationship, or who is quietly holding onto things that don’t feel right.

Highlights:

• Why avoiding hard conversations can take a bigger toll than having them
• What it actually means to “risk the relationship” and tell the truth
• The grief and reality of friendship breakups (and why we don’t talk about them enough)
• Why expecting others to read our needs sets everyone up for failure
• Recognizing when a relationship can evolve… and when it’s time to let it go

You’re Invited is produced by Six-Two Studio.

Transcript

Alex Cantone (00:18.574) I grew up in this environment where I never really witnessed head-on confrontation, at least in a peaceful manner. And I think my entire life, I've had very little examples of actual healthy communication and specifically healthy conflict.

That's been something that I've only learned now in my 30s. And what I'm learning is how to have healthy conflict, how to have the hard conversations, and how important it is to have those hard conversations when they're needed. I really think about all of my, the different relationships that I have in my life.

and how the communication goes with those relationships. Chris was really the person who has taught me how to have hard conversations. And he's been the one to encourage me to have those hard conversations. I remember meeting him and when we were in the early days and we would get into a little argument,

or a disagreement or something, I would freak out because I would think, my gosh, this is the end of our relationship. Like this is, it's over. You know, if I would say something or do something and he would come to me and express that, that didn't really feel good for me, or this is how this thing made me feel that you did, I'd kind of freak out. And I didn't know how to hold that. I didn't know how to hold.

someone coming to me and telling me that something I did bothered them that felt really uncomfortable for me to hear and hold. And I would kind of go into this like spiral or I would be like, my gosh, is this gonna, is he gonna break up with me? Is it over? Is this the end? You know, he's unhappy with me. What do I have to do? I have to like apologize and do all of these things. And he would remind me, we're just having a hard conversation.

Alex Cantone (02:43.288) this isn't the end, not going anywhere, I don't want you to go anywhere. But I felt like I was learning how to do a new dance in the beginning of our relationship and it was really opening my eyes to this idea of having a real conversation and having a real hard and sometimes uncomfortable conversation. And I had some friendships and still have those friendships where, you know, there would be some conflict, there would be some things that would happen and we could work it out.

But in terms of an actual romantic relationship that felt like, my gosh, I'm gonna die if we have to have this conversation, I don't wanna do this. And so it's been a real learning curve for me over the past few years of trying to figure out how to hold someone else's feelings, experiences.

perceptions, when it has to do specifically with me and something that I've done or have said or way that I've behaved, and then asking someone to hold me and hear me and being able to say what I'm honestly feeling and honestly thinking. There have been a lot of things in the last couple of months that have happened.

some relationship ruptures, some amazing conversations that have brought me closer with people who have been my longest running relationships in my life. And I've been learning a lot lately and I've been noticing a pattern in all of this, at least a pattern for me personally. When I look back on my childhood and my upbringing,

I recognized that I never really had an example of healthy conflict. That what I saw and what was modeled to me is something happens and you pretend it didn't happen or it's all weird and awkward and there's tension for a while and then one day you just kind of move on and that's how goes.

Alex Cantone (05:09.76) and that if something is bothering you, it's one of those things where you're like, just forget about it. Just let it go. You know, it's not worth it. Like the assumption of how the other person may or may not respond is enough to keep you from not saying something, not risking the relationship. And that's a phrase that I've really learned through Chris is this idea of risking the relationship.

of going to someone when something doesn't feel right and saying it truthfully and honestly and directly and not knowing if that person can hold it, if they're prepared for it. You know, of course we can prepare them, but really just saying our truth, our peace and risking it. And this is something we talk about a lot.

And this is something that both of us have been through in our own versions as we've had kids, because when you have kids, your capacity to, you know, deal with things and hold things, hold onto more than what you're meant to hold onto, it just becomes this annoyance, like this baggage that you can't carry. And I think it's a combination for me where I've had this sort of stark

Contrast as my relationships have become more mature as I have matured I have these amazing loving relationships where I feel really safe. I feel really seen I feel like I can just say it as it is and That person will accept me and if it has to do with that person then They will hear me

And those relationships also are mutual in that way, where someone can come to me and say what's on their mind, what they are thinking, what they are feeling, and I can receive it. And I can shift if need be. And I can take responsibility and own my part in any sort of hurt that I've caused. And...

Alex Cantone (07:33.026) So now that I'm experiencing dynamics like this, what's happened over the last couple of years is it's become really obvious which dynamics are imbalanced and which dynamics don't have that kind of communication. And the thing that I struggle with is confronting that. Because I think it's natural for life to change and when big transitions happen,

all of the relationships that we have aren't always going to come with us. And that's definitely something that I've grieved and experienced a lot in my 30s with becoming a mother is there are relationships, especially friendships that have dwindled or drifted, or we just talk more infrequently, or we don't really have time for each other in the way that we did previously. know, life starts happening, things accelerate, and

There doesn't always have to be some big reconciliation or falling out or breakup, but sometimes that does happen. And for some reason, I feel like there's not a lot out there on friendship breakups and what that's like and what it feels like to go through that and what it might feel like to feel misunderstood and to misunderstand the other.

I've recently gone through a friendship breakup that really rocked me, that I feel I am still grieving. And the thing that was challenging about this is the relationship that I had with this person was caught up in my old way of being in relationship with someone. You know, things might happen here and there.

little things build into big things. And the next thing I know, I'm keeping this person at an arm's length because things haven't been feeling good, but I haven't been completely honest with that person about how I've been feeling and what I am needing in order to strike a healthy balance and dynamic in our relationship. And when I find myself in these situations, it's like this thing that just

Alex Cantone (09:57.642) eats away at me, you know, and things I lose sleep over. I've had this multiple times in the recent months where I felt it in my bones that I've needed to confront something and I've been too afraid to do it or I've told myself I don't have the energy, I don't have the time. It's just too much. It's too overwhelming. I'm already feeling so

sensitive and fragile and emotional in this stage of my life. And so why would I put myself through any more pain that I have to be in? You know, a normal day, a good day can still be hard. So why put myself in a place where I might get hurt, I might feel more raw, I might feel extremely uncomfortable. It's like, I don't wanna have this, I don't wanna do this. And so when I sit with it,

and avoid it and avoid it and avoid it and avoid it. It's like, I don't realize what a toll it's taking on me by avoiding it. How much more of a toll it's taking on me to avoid it than to confront it head on. And I feel like with this last situation that I've been in, I finally realized it finally clicked for me. I can't hold on to

These things, I can't hold on to these things. It's not healthy for me. It's literally making me sick to hold back from being truthful and honest with someone.

And if I look at it through the lens of projector energetics, what I think about is how we go through these changes in these phases of life. And when projectors are in a vulnerable position, what we really require out of friendship,

Alex Cantone (12:08.49) is to feel reinvited. What we really require out of any relationship is to feel reinvited into that dynamic. And sometimes you need to rewrite the terms and conditions of a relationship in order to move forward. But that doesn't necessarily mean that it's the other person's job to initiate that or do that. Of course, you could look at

the energetic exchange and what we know about projectors and think, well, it's that other person's job to reach out and do those things and come up with ways to do that. But what if they don't know that, you know? Or it's like, why are we putting that on someone?

Why are we putting it on someone else to be a mind reader, to guess what we need? Because I'm the one who is going through this massive transition right now. And not to mention, I don't know what the other people in my life are going through. In some of these conflicts and confrontations that I've had recently, what I've realized is, you know, we are all going through something.

And even though I want to believe that my thing is the biggest thing and the hardest thing and the, my gosh, like you should be coming to me and doing all this stuff for me. It's like, how do you know what I need? Especially if you haven't been through what I'm currently going through. And I think that's why I'm in this phase where I connect more deeply with mothers than anyone else because

We have this mutual understanding of one another because we know what it's like to go through this transition. We have this built-in understanding that, you know, if I don't get back to a text message, it's not because I'm maliciously or purposely trying to ignore you, it's because I probably read it and then my kids probably started screaming and I was pulled away because I had to start playing referee or clean something up or a kid fell or, you know, anything under the sun.

Alex Cantone (14:28.074) And the next thing I knew it was two weeks later and I have an inbox of unopened messages and all of this pressure to get to it and respond to it and get back to it and it doesn't feel good. And I just think there's a reality to sometimes we're in phases of life where we can't give other people what

they might need or want from us. And vice versa, they can't give us what we need or want. And so to hold these expectations and to make it someone else's job to give us something that we need, especially when we're not willing to be communicative about it, is really setting ourselves and the other person up for failure, especially the other person.

And if we look at these relationships, especially if we're looking at our relationships through the lens of being a projector, and we know that in order for us to feel like the relationship is staying alive, that we're feeling re-invited into the dynamic, especially when we're shifting and changing and growing and we go through a massive transition, then we need to be vocal about that. And I think it is.

our responsibility to have the hard conversations, to risk the relationship, to be honest about where we are, to say, hey, this is where I'm at and this is what I'm really needing from a friend, a partner, a parent, whatever it might be. And if the person who we're in relationship with isn't willing to adjust or evolve, not necessarily out of malicious intent, but

maybe simply because they're going through their own transitions and they don't have the capacity and we recognize that I just can't show up for you in that way right now. Then we need to evaluate if it's best to rewrite the terms and conditions of the relationship or perhaps end it. And I mean, I think this is obviously more complicated with a romantic partner.

Alex Cantone (16:54.238) And I think because I now have the example of going to my person and being able to say exactly what is happening for me and exactly what I am needing or wanting or require from this person in order to feel balanced and healthy and happy in this dynamic. And then I have a willing participant who can shift within reason, within what is available.

with his capacity, it's like, I have the example of, okay, if someone really sees me, if someone really deeply knows me and sees me, then they will be willing to shift. They will be willing to tend to me, to take care of me, to be there for me in the way that I need them to be. And I can't expect it to be like that with everyone.

I can't expect it to be like that. And friendships are really complicated. And that's something that I've struggled with and something that I've realized is friendships can be really complicated sometimes. There are some friendships that I have that feel so easy, that feel effortless, that feel like we just do this dance and we do it really well.

and we shift when things shift and we check in with one another. And the friendships that feel really good for me right now are the ones where there's never pressure to get together at a certain time. Like it's very kind of low stakes and low expectation. And a lot of my friendships that are thriving right now are ones with women who

are also in the same life phase as me or have at least been through that phase and understand what it's like to be in the throes of the early years of growing and raising humans. But I wasn't expecting this. I knew that things would change. I knew things would inevitably have to shift. But I wasn't expecting to feel so alone and so

Alex Cantone (19:24.576) misunderstood at times. But I do think that the root of my misunderstanding, if I really want to look at it from this lens of how can I take responsibility and how am I holding myself back in this area? For me, knowing my patterns, knowing what was modeled to me, knowing what I saw, it's being honest.

being open and honest in the moment and not letting things linger and fester and not holding on to things without saying it. Because what good is that doing anyone? It's just not fair. It's not fair to you. It's not fair to your partner. It's not fair to your children to hold on to these things and not say it.

You know, I was talking to a friend yesterday, kind of reflecting on all of these different situations that I've been in recently. it's like, it feels like, gosh, it's just one after the other, after the other, one hard conversation. And then all of sudden someone pops out of the blue and is like, and by the way, this is how I feel. And I'm just like, holy shit. You know, when does it end? What am I doing? And it makes me think, am I being a bad friend? Am I a bad person? Like, have I really truly a

abandoned everyone and left everyone in the dust and just totally gotten so wrapped up in my own life and my new responsibilities that I've forgotten about these people and these friends that I used to tend to and love and prioritize and as much as I don't want to say that that's true, it is partially. But that doesn't make me a bad person.

and that doesn't make me a bad friend because all I can do in a friendship is match the energy that is being offered to me. And I think that that does happen, I would say, in all relationship dynamics, but I would say especially with projector to whoever else relationships. And look, I can only speak from myself, right? I can only speak from

Alex Cantone (21:50.668) where I stand and what I see. And in efforts of circling back to human design here, and understanding friendship through the lens of human design and through the lens of projector design, because I can get so lost in the other person, I can oftentimes mirror their behavior. So if someone is efforting and reaching,

and checking in and loving on me, then I am going to reciprocate that. I'm going to match the energy of the person who I'm doing the dance with. And if someone is distancing me or not checking in, or it's feeling a little off or weird or imbalanced and it feels like,

I have to constantly be reaching, I have to constantly be doing the inviting, I have to constantly be doing the initiating. Well, that doesn't feel natural. That doesn't feel natural for me. It doesn't mean that I won't do it. If you're doing it to me, I will be able to do it back. But if I don't feel like the door is open, I'm not going to reach inside to open it. And I think that's where

we can go back to that phrase, it's not personal, it's just energy. It can be like that in any dynamic that you're going to match the energy that's being given to you. I can get so lost and wrapped up in the other to a deficit. And I think I look back on some of these relationships that

have fallen apart recently or just simply drifted away, no drama. And I think, wow, I was so invested in this person's life, in this person's evolution, in this person's growth. Like I really thrived off of being there for this friend and supporting these people and guiding them.

Alex Cantone (24:09.003) And it felt good when the invitation was there to guide them. But now I'm in a phase of my life where I can't be that type of friend for everyone. And I grieve that because I love being in a place where I can see someone and they can see me back.

and there's reciprocity there. That feels good. That feels nice in a relationship. But in a season where my capacity is lower and sometimes nothing, I need someone to reach in and see me and hold me and know what I need.

And maybe it's not always asking for a thing or an action that we need specifically, but simply saying, I need to be seen, I need to be held, I need to be carried right now because I can't carry this relationship. And maybe one day,

I can carry you. I can. I will be able to hold you and carry you if you can carry me and hold me when I need it. I think a mature relationship is one where the roles can shift and reverse, where

person can recognize when the other might need some extra love, when a person might recognize that maybe you have to carry the team right now, right? It's like maybe in this current season, I need to do 80 and only expect 20 because I know

Alex Cantone (26:32.184) that I will get that back when I need that person, right? It's not about keeping tabs or keeping score. And that's so important that it's not about keeping tabs or keeping score, but truly being invested in a person. But you can't do that without honesty, without transparency.

Moving forward, I've decided that I will tell the truth, even if it's uncomfortable. I will no longer hold on to this feeling in my body that just feels misaligned and something doesn't feel right and I'm not feeling seen or understood or held by this person and let me just, you know, do this dance and keep doing this thing. It just...

It's intolerable in my body at this point to be fake, to pretend. It feels like because the majority of my relationships are now in a place where I am completely open and honest and vulnerable and real, that the ones that are still doing this old outdated dance are just falling away. They don't belong anymore. I can't.

And so am I willing to be misunderstood by the people who don't truly see me and recognize me? To make room for the relationships with those who aren't afraid of the real me. I'd say the latter feels

like a much lighter and freer and healthier way to move through the world, even though there might be grief in letting go of people or things that don't serve us because maybe they once did. And maybe they were and still are an extremely important part of our evolution and our growth and of our story.

Alex Cantone (29:01.568) And can we honor that? Can we truly honor them for what they gave us by simultaneously acknowledging and lovingly letting them drift? Because the reality is, if we're not feeling seen, if we're not feeling cared for, and if we haven't been completely honest,

with ourselves or with the other person. I don't know. Maybe it's time to have a hard conversation or maybe it's time to let go. But I think it's really important to ask yourself, have you risked the relationship yet? Just because you're a projector doesn't mean you can't be the one to risk the relationship first. Waiting for an invitation doesn't make us the victim.

of someone else's timing or of someone else's lack of interest or misunderstanding about us. Don't sit around waiting for an invitation from someone who doesn't see you, who doesn't understand you. Either risk the relationship by telling the truth and stating your needs and sharing what types of invitations you wish to receive

What does it look like to feel seen and recognized and understood in your relationships? What phase of life are you in? And what do you need out of the people who are meant to love you and care for you and carry you? What do you need from these people? And are you willing for it to be a little uncomfortable?

just for a moment, and are you willing to risk it? To risk the possibility of asking for the invitations that you need and maybe not receiving them? We are not victims in this story. We are not victims in the energy dynamic. We are not supposed to wait around for other people to set the terms and conditions for us to exist in.

Alex Cantone (31:28.502) and then come to us when they're ready and expect us to contort and fit ourselves into what the other person expects of us. The right invitation and the ones that we are truly meant to say yes to are the ones where we are free to be our truest selves within the dynamic.

the situations and the relationships that meet us where we are at currently. It's so important not to get it twisted. It's so important to remember that you are not here to accept breadcrumbs when you know you deserve the entire cake. And sometimes the people who we thought

would carry us through every stage and every phase of life are simply just meant to be here for a time. And as sad as that can be, it's important that we recognize when an invitation has expired and when it's time to close the chapter on something or someone who's no longer serving us.