Stonewalling: How to Break the Silence and Save Your Marriage

Ever wonder why certain behaviors can predict divorce with over 80% accuracy? Today, we unpack the mystery of one such behavior known as 'stonewalling', alongside the other three horsemen of the relationship apocalypse: defensiveness, criticism, and contempt. Our deep-dive into Dr. John Gottman's groundbreaking research at the Love Lab, reveals how these destructive behaviors can send a relationship spiraling downward.

But it's not all doom and gloom! We also explore the antidote to stonewalling, offering real-life examples and practical steps to overcome it. Learn the importance of courageously pausing the conversation, taking the time to cool down, and process. Strengthen your relationships by understanding these patterns and making conscious efforts to change them. Let's journey together towards healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Relationship Radio is hosted by CEO of Marriage Helper, Kimberly Beam Holmes, and founder of Marriage Helper, Dr. Joe Beam.

Regardless of your situation, what we teach will not only make your relationships better, but will also help you to become the best version of yourself along the way.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:31

On today's episode of Relationship Radio, we are talking stonewalling, what it is, how to prevent it and how to stop it if you're already doing it, and make sure to stick around to the end for an offer that you don't want to miss. On today's episode of Relationship Radio.

Speaker 2: 0:53

There are four things that, if you do them when you and your spouse are in the middle of fighting, can actually give a huge likelihood that you and your spouse may likely divorce. And in fact, if you stop doing these four things in the middle of fighting, then the chances of divorce decrease 80 to 90%, which is incredible. That's an incredible stat. All of this was found in the work of Dr John Gottman out at the Love Lab, the University of Washington in Seattle, several years ago, and these are four horsemen that have been around a long time and maybe you've even heard of them. But in today's video I'm going to be going a quick overview of what the four horsemen are, but really we're going to sit for a minute on the one called stonewalling. We're going to talk about what stonewalling is and what the antidote to stonewalling can be in order to stop stonewalling and actually do more productive things in the middle of your fighting and in the middle of your conversations. Overall, the four horsemen are as follows the first of the four horsemen, in no particular order, is defensiveness. This, many of us can understand, is pretty much what it sounds like when someone like my husband, if he were to come to me and say you didn't take the trash out today or something like that, then if I respond by well, you didn't do your part, you didn't unload the dishwasher or I haven't taken the trash out because I've been doing all of these other things around the house that you never show appreciation for, that's defensiveness. It's basically saying that I'm not the problem, it's you. The opposite of what Taylor Swift would say. It's basically saying, hey, I'm diverting blame because I don't really want to take responsibility for my actions. In this, defensiveness continues to spiral the conversation downward. You're likely never going to get out of a cycle of defensiveness because it just leads the other person to become more defensive.

Speaker 2: 2:45

The second of the four horsemen is criticism. In criticism, it's when you begin to see the other person as the problem and not just their actions. It's basically when you begin to say what's wrong with you. It's when you turn a complaint and you make it very personal A criticism. An example how I might be critical towards my husband is if he didn't take the trash out Instead of just saying, hey, babe, would you mind getting the trash when you get the chance, it would instead be me saying Rob, how do you all do that? Always forget to take the trash out. What's wrong with you? You do this all the time. What's wrong with you? I'm not just talking about the behavior. I'm now attacking his character. I'm attacking him personally. That's criticism.

Speaker 2: 3:32

The third of the four horsemen is contempt. This one kind of plays off of criticism. It's taking criticism a step deeper, where it's not just you looking at the other person and saying what's wrong with you, but it's looking at the other person and saying, not only is there something wrong with you, but I'm better than you, you are beneath me in some way. It's taking the example of the trash and saying hey, rob, why didn't you take the trash out? You never take the trash out. You know what I knew. You were good for nothing. You're just lazy. You just sit around all day. How can I get anything done when I don't have someone in the house to actually help me do anything? I can't believe you. This takes criticism several steps further, because I'm not just attacking his character, but I'm actually putting him in a place where I see myself as being superior to him. I see myself as being better than him. The real problem with that is I'm going to begin acting like that. People who live in contemptuous marriages. They suffer from decreased immune system, they are more likely to be sick all of the time Many other terrible things, but that's not the topic of today's video. It's terrible, though Shouldn't be contemptuous.

Speaker 2: 4:48

Then the fourth of the Four Horsemen is stonewalling. Stonewalling at its core is basically what it sounds like that the person who is doing the stonewalling is putting a wall up and they're starting to shut themselves off from what they're hearing. It would be like in this situation the example I'll continue using if I go to my husband, rob, and I say, why didn't you take the trash out? He just begins to shut down. He begins to maybe try and leave the room or escape the conversation, maybe he just clamps down to where he won't speak to me, no matter how much I try to get him to. You see, there's two things that are typical to happen in this kind of situation. I am not a stonewaller. My husband actually isn't either, but for this type of conversation, let's say my husband Rob was a stonewaller Then if I go to him and I'm trying to get him to talk to me about something, I'm trying to get him to discuss a situation or to talk about an issue like not taking the trash out or whatever it might be.

Speaker 2: 5:53

Then if he begins stonewalling, it's when he starts to shut down. It's going to lead me to just press in further. Why aren't you talking to me? I need you to answer me. I'm going to actually escalate in my conflict in order to try and get him to talk to me, which actually, as a stonewaller, would just get him to shut down even more. Think of it like a box turtle. There's snapping turtles and there's box turtles, for this example. Snapping turtles you try and fight them, they're going to snap back. They're going to fight back. But a box turtle if you go up to it and you scare it, if you try and fight them, they're just going to go into their shell and they're going to seal themselves off. That's what stonewalling is.

Speaker 2: 6:37

But another way that stonewalling could occur is if two people are stonewallers. So let's say I'm a stonewaller and my husband's a stonewaller. Then if I get angry at him, I may begin by bringing up an issue or trying to address something. I probably tend to do it passive, aggressively, maybe. I actually don't say anything about taking out the trash. But I get the trash, I start throwing the bag on the ground really loudly, tying it shut, stomping through the kitchen and through the house to the back door to take it out, slam the door shut behind me because I don't wanna actually address the problem with him because I'm stonewalling, but I want him to hear that I'm angry, so I'm being passive aggressive about it, and then he, as stonewalling back, may then tend to also continue to do passive aggressive behaviors to where both people are actually fighting but they are likely not even talking to each other as they do so. Or maybe in this situation it could still be where two stonewallers, where one person does finally get to the point where they address a conflict or address a situation, but it just leads the other person to shut down and to be passive aggressive and it then gets into that cycle of the downward spiral of passive aggressiveness.

Speaker 2: 7:52

Overall, stonewalling is when a person mentally or physically begins to shut off from the other person as a way of fighting. It's not because they're trying to process the information, which is valid. It is valid that there are people in relationships who need time to process, who need time to pull their thoughts together before they can reply. That's not a way of fighting. It's them in just the way that they think. But when people start to shut down intentionally as a way to piss the other person off and they know it's gonna piss the other person off and it's the way of them being passive, aggressive that is stonewalling.

Speaker 2: 8:29

So what is the antidote to stonewalling? How do you overcome stonewalling? Here's what you do. The first thing to do is to stop, to stop the conversation, to stop the fight, if at all possible. This is gonna take the person who is the stonewaller to have some courage, to have some audacity and to actually step forward and say you know what, right now, I can't talk about this. It's too overwhelming. I need some time. I need time to process, I need time to think, I need time to cool down. So we need to take a break and step away from the conversation with the goal of coming back together to finish the argument or the disagreement in a more constructive way. That's the best antidote that there is. Stop the conversation, which will stop you from doing the stonewalling, and then re-approach the conversation at a time where especially the person who is stonewalling but ideally both partners, both spouses can non-emotionally, or at least less emotionally, come back to the situation and have a productive conversation about it.

Speaker 2: 9:31

Now, while my husband and I are not necessarily stonewallers, that doesn't mean that there haven't been times in our marriage where each of us have maybe shut down for a period of time as a way of stonewalling. And one of the things whether we've stonewalled or not that I have found when it comes to when my husband and I fight, one of the things that I have found is it has always been a better idea to take the break and to come back together, less emotional and more level-headed, than trying to just grind our teeth and grit through the current conversation. When two people are stuck in this cycle of using any of the four horsemen in a disagreement or an argument, it's not going to end well and the tendency is to wanna just keep pushing through because you think we just wanna get this over with, we wanna get it done, we wanna get to a resolution sooner than later. So let's just keep going. And, honestly, some people may be hesitant to disengage from a disagreement anyway because they're thinking if I disengage, then the other person wins or maybe I won't get my way. But if we can bring ourselves to a level of higher maturity and look at the situation and say you know what? This isn't productive right now, and not only is it not productive, but the way we're chipping away at each other through these four horsemen behaviors is actually long-term detrimental to our relationship. So let's just go ahead, take a pause, regroup, regather and come back when we can look at this from a much better lens and a much better landscape. That has always worked better for us, and I believe it would work better for you too.

Speaker 2: 11:07

There's a lot of people out there who say, well, you shouldn't go to bed while what is it? Don't go to bed while you're still angry. You know what I'm talking about? The saying that's out there. Don't let the sun go down while you're still angry, that's it. Sometimes you need a good night's sleep because you can approach the situation and the conversation in a much better way in the light of the next day, which is my encouragement to you.

Speaker 2: 11:30

If you're struggling with talking to your spouse and feel like you're just disagreeing all of the time, or maybe that your spouse has been stonewalling you for a long time maybe they're not talking to you right now and you just can't get them to open up, then I encourage you to get our ultimate guide to getting your spouse to talk to you, how to talk to each other in a way that is respectful, that is calm and that is productive, without losing your sanity and without losing your marriage. We call this smart contact because it's the system that we teach inside of it, but really it's the ultimate guide to teach you how to communicate better inside of your marriage, even when your spouse isn't talking to you right now. You can get that toolkit by going to marriagehelpercom. Slash smart, because it is the smart way to communicate with each other. We'd love to see you inside that toolkit and help you have a much better communication pattern in your marriage than you're having right now. Until next week, remember, there is always hope.

Speaker 1: 12:27

Thanks so much for listening to today's episode of Relationship Radio. If you like what you heard, please make sure to send it to a friend or a family member or anyone that you think might need to hear it. And also please consider leaving a review. We read every single one and we love hearing from you. If you haven't already, please be sure to check out our YouTube channel. That's youtubecom slash at marriagehelper. That's youtubecom slash at symbol marriagehelper. Over there you can find over a thousand videos on each specific situation that you might be facing and, as Kim, we said, if you want to learn how to communicate better with your spouse, you can go and access that toolkit by going to marriagehelpercom slash smart. That's marriagehelpercom slash S-M-A-R-T. Thanks for listening to today's episode and remember there is always hope. We'll see you in the next episode, Okay.