Navigating the festive season while dealing with the emotional turmoil of marital separation can seem like a mountainous feat. But here's a promise: by the end of this episode, you'll have a roadmap on how to not only survive this challenging season but also keep your sanity intact. Join us as we unpack the emotional roller-coaster that this season can thrust upon you and guide you on how to process these emotions healthily. Let's talk about that elephant in the room— the surge in divorce rates come January, and how you can dodge falling into that statistic.
Ever wondered how lullabies can help you sail through a holiday season full of emotional upheaval? Discover how a simple bedtime routine can work wonders and why setting boundaries with your spouse during family gatherings is not just about self-preservation but also about prioritizing your children's well-being. Hear our take on the importance of open communication and compromise during these times. Yes, the holiday season can be tough, but with the right tools, you can make it through. And remember, it's okay not to be okay.
Relationship Radio is hosted by CEO of Marriage Helper, Kimberly Beam Holmes, and founder of Marriage Helper, Dr. Joe Beam.
Regardless of your situation, what we teach will not only make your relationships better, but will also help you to become the best version of yourself along the way.
Relationship Radio is released every Wednesday and is an extension of Marriage Helper.
Be sure to subscribe to the podcast and leave a review. We love hearing from you!
For more resources about your specific situation, visit marriagehelper.com.
We have a new website for the It Starts With Attraction podcast!
Visit www.itstartswithattraction.com to check it out!
Navigating the festive season while dealing with the emotional turmoil of marital separation can seem like a mountainous feat. But here's a promise: by the end of this episode, you'll have a roadmap on how to not only survive this challenging season but also keep your sanity intact. Join us as we unpack the emotional roller-coaster that this season can thrust upon you and guide you on how to process these emotions healthily. Let's talk about that elephant in the room— the surge in divorce rates come January, and how you can dodge falling into that statistic.
Ever wondered how lullabies can help you sail through a holiday season full of emotional upheaval? Discover how a simple bedtime routine can work wonders and why setting boundaries with your spouse during family gatherings is not just about self-preservation but also about prioritizing your children's well-being. Hear our take on the importance of open communication and compromise during these times. Yes, the holiday season can be tough, but with the right tools, you can make it through. And remember, it's okay not to be okay.
Relationship Radio is hosted by CEO of Marriage Helper, Kimberly Beam Holmes, and founder of Marriage Helper, Dr. Joe Beam.
Regardless of your situation, what we teach will not only make your relationships better, but will also help you to become the best version of yourself along the way.
Relationship Radio is released every Wednesday and is an extension of Marriage Helper.
Be sure to subscribe to the podcast and leave a review. We love hearing from you!
For more resources about your specific situation, visit marriagehelper.com.
We have a new website for the It Starts With Attraction podcast!
Visit www.itstartswithattraction.com to check it out!
The holidays can be a tricky time of year. For some, it's about balancing family schedules figuring out which side of the family you're going to visit on what day and how long you're going to stay for but for some there's a lot of pain involved. For some of you who are listening, you might be separated from your spouse right now, and we understand how hard that can be, especially in this season. It seems like everyone else has the Christmas spirit and all it does is make you sad, sometimes even angry, and you know what. It's okay to feel that way. On today's episode of Relationship Radio, we're talking about how to navigate the holiday season while separated. We'll give you insights and practical steps, as well as a special Black Friday offer for you at the end on this episode of Relationship Radio.
Speaker 2:You know, some people look forward to holidays. This is the time we're being together, we have a lot of fun, we sing songs, we eat a whole lot of food, oh, and especially that dessert is amazing. But there are some people who dread it. The people who typically dread holidays are those who are typically having wonderful times with their family. But now that's changed. Either we are separated but living in the same house and hardly talking to each other, or one of us is now living someplace else, or one of us might even be living with somebody else, while still married to me and my children, if you have them, myself, etc. The whole world has been upended. And how in the world can we get through Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years when everybody else is celebrating and I'm basically sitting here having a pity party? Well, do you realize that typically, january is the month where the most number of people file for divorce? You say why? Because they go through that miserable period of those holidays.
Speaker 2:Is there a better way to deal with those holidays? Absolutely, let's talk about it. Hi, I'm Dr Joe Bean with Marriage Helper. I'm here with Kimberly Holmes, our CEO. Kimberly, you've actually done some work into this right, not just reading about it and research, but interacting with people. Why do holidays create such sadness for people when they're in a relationship difficulty?
Speaker 3:Yeah, well, because it's supposed to be the time of happiness, of those fond memories from when you were a kid, all of those things. And now there's a sense of loss, especially if you're separated. Even if you're not separated physically, if there's been an emotional separation, if you fear that divorce is coming, then you're kind of just waiting for the shoe to drop and you can't really enjoy the happiness of the holidays and the family time that you're supposed to be having. And it just adds extra stress.
Speaker 2:I guess it could even add apprehension to the kids if they sense what's going on and that makes it even more stressful, right.
Speaker 3:Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 2:If you have children.
Speaker 3:I mean we say, yes, the holidays are happy times period, but also the stress of just the family gatherings in general. Even for a good marriage sometimes is enough to lead people to drink. But during the holidays, as you said, a lot of people they just try and get one more Christmas together as a family before filing for divorce in January and many times there's one of the spouses who's not 100% sure that's going to happen. So there's just a lot of that nervous, anxiety and apprehension throughout the entire season.
Speaker 2:So how do you not let yourself become so depressed or anxious through there? I realize that's a natural human reaction. But what can somebody do? But when things aren't working like I want them to, what can they do to at least offset this, if not overcome it?
Speaker 3:Yeah Well, I do think it's important to allow yourself to feel the feelings in an appropriate way, because if you what does that mean?
Speaker 2:Appropriate way.
Speaker 3:Yeah. So the more that you try and just kind of push it down and say I'm going to soldier through this, you know I'm just going to get through, it's going to continue to well up within you, it's going to continue to make you on edge, irritated, all of those things, Whereas if you allow yourself let's just say an evening, and if you have kids, maybe you ask the grandparents to take them, or your sister or someone who can watch the kids for that evening and just allow yourself to sit without turning to distractions, without turning to food, turning on TV, and just allow yourself to feel the emotions and to-.
Speaker 3:Rather than trying to escape them, you embrace them Exactly process them, process how you're feeling in the moment and just come to terms with the acceptance of. I wish this wasn't happening. This wouldn't be the way that I would choose for things to happen right now. But can I get to the point where I can at least accept this is how things are and that's all I can?
Speaker 2:do, and you would recommend that they do that alone.
Speaker 3:Yes, I mean I would recommend that you not do that in front of your kids or in front of your spouse. I would recommend that you do that either by yourself or, I mean, if you have a mentor or a coach or a counselor that you feel comfortable and safe going to and processing those emotions, then that can be healthy as well. But even sometimes people turn, they kind of make that their next distraction. Like I'm going to go to this person and have them comfort and soothe me and the idea isn't that we stay here.
Speaker 2:This is just a first something to go through, and so if your best friend or your mentor were there, you might only say just be with me.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Listen when I talk, be quiet when I'm, but don't tell me everything's going to be okay. Just let me process this and it'd be okay to weep. Yeah, be okay to shout. Yeah what wouldn't be okay in that situation, and all likelihood is alcohol.
Speaker 3:Yeah right, alcohol, emotional eating, things that are going to become a habit loop that you turn to to help distract you from those emotions. That's what we want to avoid, and this doesn't even have to be a whole I mean, I know I said a whole evening this could be five minutes where you go in your closet and you just take some deep breaths, sit with your emotions and and just allow yourself to process how you currently feel, without trying to make yourself feel better.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but don't try to be high or drunk or anything like that. Right Deal with it in reality. Yeah, okay, so, okay, that makes sense. What else?
Speaker 3:So then, from there, the idea is what can you do to physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually be your best self throughout this holiday season? Because the only person that you can control is you. You can't control what your spouse does, you can't control what their family does, none of those things. So, physically, it's really important and healthy to move your body, especially if you are experiencing what we would call, maybe little tea trauma, where you feel overwhelmed and powerless. You're overwhelmed by the situation you're in and you're powerless to do anything about it. Then moving your body actually helps your body to process overwhelming feelings so that you don't hold them in Moving means what?
Speaker 3:Well, it's going to differ on every person. If you're a person who is an avid exerciser, then it may be that you go run or you go lift weights. If you're not someone who's an avid exerciser, it may mean you go for a walk, it may mean you join a Zumba class, do something that's appropriate for your athletic ability level and all of those things and something that you would enjoy doing. And a lot of times people hear that and think but I don't want to exercise because I don't enjoy it, period. Well, you got to pick something because this is the way to help your body process emotions physically and it can help to release some of that tension and it can even just help your brain to process things better, better deal with emotions and emotionally regulate as well.
Speaker 2:See, I have this mental picture suddenly of somebody walking the neighborhood in the evening and seeing the Christmas lights and getting more depressed. So how would you battle those kind of things out?
Speaker 3:Well then, go to a gym and walk on a treadmill.
Speaker 2:So you got to consider that I need to figure the best place time to do this that won't discourage me more.
Speaker 3:And if you're thinking because there's a lot, of, a lot of times the moms, the stay at home moms, will say, but I don't have time for myself, well then turn on like a YouTube Zumba thing and have a dance party in the living room with the kids. You can definitely include the kids in this, but the idea is just you're doing something to move your body and get some of these feelings out. The other key part when it comes to the physical part is getting enough sleep, especially throughout the holidays, especially because drinking alcohol can really inhibit sleep, and how the good quality of sleep you get, you know all of the food that we're eating, especially the closer you're eating to bedtime, can affect your sleep. Here's why you want to get good sleep, because it helps you to emotionally regulate.
Speaker 2:But isn't that the kind of thing that keeps them from going to sleep, the fact that their emotions are on edge?
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, no, I realize this is a total catch 22. But the thing is there's an awareness to I need to get sleep because it's actually going to help me, as opposed that can. That can at least help someone begin to have positive behaviors of trying to prioritize sleep instead of just sitting up and not sleeping because they don't know what to do. So the first part of this is you need to sleep Like. This is important and it's going to actually help you in the long term. So what are some things you can do? So you can begin to do? I mean just key things and I'll.
Speaker 3:There's a whole toolkit inside of our, say, my marriage membership, where I go much deeper into all of this. But if you're going to shoot for seven to eight hours, then create, start by creating a bedtime. I want to go to bed by 10,. I want to wake up at six. Adhere to that.
Speaker 3:Begin doing things before bedtime that are going to be calming. So don't engage in a fight. Don't try and look at social media to see what your spouse is doing Like. Don't do those things before bed, because it's going to emotionally rile you up. Instead, focus on doing some more calming things. Maybe it's taking a hot shower or taking a hot bath, which can actually ironically, it helps to decrease your core body temperature once you get out and when your core body temperature decreases, it helps to. It helps you to go to sleep quicker. So all of those things sleeping in a cooler room, not looking at your phone, you know, late into the night, because the blue night suppresses the melatonin from helping you go to sleep. So those are just key things you can do to set yourself up for the most success. Not drinking caffeine after 2pm.
Speaker 2:That makes sense. I just had a cup of coffee and it's after 2pm. It was half-calf, though I remember reading somewhere not long ago I researched that I remember the number correctly it was 65 degrees that people who sleep with their bedroom at 65 degrees actually start losing weight. There's just a correlation between that. I think that was the number Somewhere around 65.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that sounds about right. There's definitely research out there about how the colder you are when you sleep, it burns. I think it's the brown adipose tissue, which is the fat tissue, anyway.
Speaker 2:What did?
Speaker 3:you just call me what's that.
Speaker 2:So it's good, all those kinds of things, yeah, but then we have oh, go in. Anything else you want to say about that?
Speaker 3:Those are some key things. Again, I don't know that we have time to go through all of those areas of the pies, but just in general, what are the things that you can do that can help keep you grounded, calm and focused during this holiday season is really the idea.
Speaker 2:Okay, and if you're a religious person focusing on prayer and not just laments like here's, how sad I am, but I'm praying for other people as well, even doing things for other people.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Like okay, kids, we know this family lives down the street, they don't have much money. Let's figure out what we're going to get for them. You go with me, so all kinds of activities. But one of the questions we're going to get always is okay, my spouse is involved with blank and my spouse wants to bring blank over for Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas so that my spouse can be around the kids. But he's insisting, or she's insisting the other person come to. Would we suggest, well, let them come. Would we suggest something different to that?
Speaker 3:We would suggest something different.
Speaker 2:Okay, what would we suggest?
Speaker 3:Well, we would suggest that the kids try and be protected as much as possible, especially during the holiday time, because this is when they're creating some of their core memories that they're going to remember going forward. So the first conversation we would recommend having is with the husband in this situation and in saying, hey, I understand this is what you want to do, but can we at least agree that through the holiday season, that we are going to do what's best for the kids in this situation and not bring in a fair partners or things like that.
Speaker 2:Because right now we need the kids to feel some degree of security during the holidays. So as much as you might want the children to be around the other person, can we agree that at least for now? Now the other person might not agree, so you might have wound up making some kind of a compromise like, well, but you're not bringing her or him here, I'm not going to have that memory in my children's heads. But obviously if you want to spend some time with the kids in the holiday, we can arrange that to happen. And I realize here she may be there, but we're not going to build a program in their minds where that happens. Here we want their memories of their growing up home to be about a family, Okay. And so you say well, what if the other person then wants to bring his or her companion in to a gathering of family people? Should I encourage that or discourage that?
Speaker 3:Why would someone encourage it?
Speaker 2:I know that sometimes people do in the sense that, okay, charlie wants to bring Ann with him to the big family gathering There'll be about a hundred people there and he just said I'm going to do that. How should I respond?
Speaker 3:Oh right, yeah, Well, I guess you're right. There might be some times where people think, well, if I'm nice to them and don't don't put up a fight, then they're going to see how great I am and want to come back to me, and that's where we would say it's important that you mean that there's certain pushes we talk about that you shouldn't do, and there's certain ones that you should do and ones where it's going to look like you're enabling a behavior that clearly is destructive to the marriage. Is an appropriate time for you to say I'm not okay with that.
Speaker 2:Right, let's put the next part to it though. We're estranged, my husband or wife lives over there and they want to come to the big gathering alone. Does that change the picture?
Speaker 3:Well, absolutely.
Speaker 2:In what way?
Speaker 3:Well, because they're not bringing their lover into the family reunion.
Speaker 2:And so in that case, you would invite them.
Speaker 3:Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2:I think that's right. Sometimes people say, well, I don't know about it, Maybe it'll look like I'm endorsing what he's doing or she's doing If I invite them to or am in favor of them coming. And the way I look at that is I remember years ago a couple that was in pretty serious trouble and her, the wife's mother, died and she contacted her husband and we're divorced at the same and said you are not allowed to come to the funeral or to the graveyard. And you say that's her right, Absolutely it's her right. But they were already in trouble and what that did to his psyche was fascinating. He went a couple of days after her burial to the grave site so he could have his goodbyes started, because he liked the woman, they had been friends. And so be careful that that you're thinking I'm standing standing up for myself because I'm excluding my spouse from this. Be careful that it's not really excluding your spouse to the point where they think I no longer have value.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You just think that thing through. Now, if he or she gets drunk at every party and they want to come to your party, it's a different consideration. It's like, okay, but you know we can't have this out of the other. Well, should you buy a present for them if you're separated?
Speaker 3:That is a very common question.
Speaker 2:We can ask that all the time?
Speaker 3:Yeah, and that's I mean. Isn't that one of those questions where it's like it depends on a lot of a lot of things? Probably, how I would recommend answering that question is can? Can you give it to them without any expectations of them doing or saying anything back? And if so, and it's an appropriate present you know, it's not this engraved cross stitching saying I love you and I want you back. Please take me.
Speaker 2:It's gotta be objective. It can't be personal Right, right, right.
Speaker 3:But objective, even in the sense of you know what their favorite football team is and you get them something in that, then yes, I believe that's appropriate. But the goal is, if you're going, if your hopes and dreams will be shattered, if you give it to them and they don't respond, even with a thank you, then maybe you shouldn't give it to them.
Speaker 2:Good advice, that's great advice If you give it. Give it with the belief that no positive consequence is going to come from it. And you said then why would I give it to them? That's the question. If you're giving it to them because you want them to have it and that makes you feel good that they get it, go ahead. But it can't be lingerie, it can't be a big candy heart, it can't be those things. But if you're going to enjoy giving it to them, for you do so. If you're giving it to them because you're trying to make them feel something towards you, then don't do it. Yeah Right, a lot of other things we could talk about, but we're out of time.
Speaker 3:I think that was a good overview.
Speaker 2:And we look forward to talking to you next time on Relationship Radio.
Speaker 1:That's more than half off of the original price. To gain access to the smart contact toolkit at $27, all you have to do is head to marriagehelpercom. Again, that's marriagehelpercom. Thanks so much for listening to today's episode and remember there's always hope.