Separation Doesn't Have To Be The End Of Your Marriage

Are you facing challenges in your marriage and considering separation? This discussion is here to help you understand the complexities of separation and why it's important to consider it only as a last option, except in cases of physical or emotional harm. We will introduce a seven-step process designed to revive and strengthen your relationship, focusing on self-improvement rather than your spouse's actions.

We'll also examine the vital role of communication and clear understanding during separation. Discover how changing your approach from being confrontational to supportive can positively change your relationship. Learn about the importance of self-worth and empathy in repairing and deepening your connection with your spouse. This episode is a guide for those at a critical point in their marriage, offering direction towards a renewed and stronger marital bond.


Relationship Radio is hosted by CEO of Marriage Helper, Kimberly Beam Holmes, and founder of Marriage Helper, Dr. Joe Beam.

Regardless of your situation, what we teach will not only make your relationships better, but will also help you to become the best version of yourself along the way.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:30

Separation does not have to be the end of your marriage. Now, separation is definitely an obstacle to overcome and one of the principles that we teach at Marriage Helper is that you should not separate if you don't absolutely have to. And really what we talk about when we talk about having to separate is if someone is in physical or emotional danger, then of course we recommend getting to safety. Other than that, here's what we know. Once a couple separates, it can make it very hard to come back together, but not impossible. But the reason that it makes it hard to come back together is because you found peace. One or both of you has finally gotten a sense of peace, whether it's real or not. Most of the time it's not true peace. It's just a break from the current situation. But the truth of the matter is peace is when the conflict has been handled, when things have been solved. When nations are at war. They don't go into peace until there's been a treaty, until there's been a ceasefire. That's when true peace happens In our marriage. Just getting away from the other person isn't true peace. It's just a false sense of peace because things are quiet for a period of time. All of that to say it can then make it harder to come back together because you feel this false sense of peace. Now, if you're watching this video, then you're likely separated, because the title of it is separation doesn't have to be the end of your marriage. We recommend not separating, but if you have, we believe that there is still hope. But here's what you need to know For this video specifically.

Speaker 1: 2:03

I realize that, especially in our marriage helper audience, our audience can tend to view separation a couple of different ways, two main ways. One is physical separation. So we are separated by house. We're in two separate houses, two separate cities, two separate states, sometimes even two separate countries, but we are physically separated. And then for other people watching a smaller subset of people, they're going to be saying well, we're separated emotionally, maybe we're sleeping in the same bed but we're separated. Or we're sleeping in separate bedrooms but we're under the same roof. For the purposes of this video, that type of separation is going to be much easier to handle because, again, you're under the same roof. You have a lot more opportunities to interact and connect throughout the day together. So, while the topics that I talk about throughout this podcast or video, however you're listening to this conversation will still apply.

Speaker 1: 3:01

I'm going to really mostly be talking about if you are physically separated from each other, because that's the more common of the situations that we see. So when you're separated, the big question is what do you do next? Typically, separation happens, as I said before, because one or both people decide that they want some kind of break, or because a third party has made a decision that the two of you should trial a separation or some kind of break. Now here's what I want to say about trial separation. Before we move on. If someone else, if a third party, has recommended this, but you don't have peace about it, I'm going to give you a pro tip you don't have to do it. You don't have to do a trial separation just because a counselor recommended it. You don't have to do a separation just because a pastor said you should. You don't have to do it if you don't feel peace with it. So we'll just set that aside.

Speaker 1: 4:00

But if you have been separated or are currently separated, how do you get back together? What are the next steps? Well, the first thing that needs to happen is you need to make sure that you've calmed down. You need to make sure that you are in a space personally, because you can't control what your spouse is doing or what your spouse is thinking, and that's likely the only thing that you're thinking about right now. What are they doing? Do they want to come back together? What are? Who are they with? What are they spending money on? What are they doing with all their free time? You can't control them. You can only control you, and so you need to calm down and begin to focus on you during this time that you're separated. If your goal is to save the marriage, then hopefully your goal long term is to somehow come back together. So, from this point forward, we just need to look at how to get you towards your goal, and at Marriage Helper, we have a seven step process for how to save and rescue your marriage, and the first step starts with calming down. Stop thinking and worrying and obsessing about everything that your spouse is doing or not doing and start focusing on calming down, taking some deep breaths, going deeper. The second step you need to do, even while separated, is get clarity, and this is key because, again, like we said before, you're likely ruminating on the things you've done, the things you didn't do, all the things your spouse has done all the things your spouse didn't do, and these ruminations are keeping you stuck on really getting clear on what the true core issue is.

Speaker 1: 5:34

My husband and I, several years ago probably about nine or 10 years ago now, we're separated for a short period of time. We've actually been separated twice in our marriage. One of them, we were separated for a year, and that was a geographical separation. We chose to be separated, but it wasn't because our marriage was in crisis. At least that's not what we told each other when we made the decision to separate.

Speaker 1: 5:58

We separated under the guys I say in quotations of me coming back to school and him staying in Korea, which is where we had been stationed to finish out his time in Korea. He was in the military there at the time, but later, many years later, as we reflected back on it, both of us said really we just wanted a break from each other, which was not smart and not the ideal thing to do. We then ended up separating for a much shorter period of time a couple of years later in our marriage due to marriage problems and don't recommend it, definitely not, but for us, for me, when I was in that space of just thinking of all of the things that my husband needed to change, worried I was going to lose my marriage, embarrassed, ashamed like this cannot be happening to me, didn't want anyone to know. Only my mom and dad knew I was trying to keep everything away from everyone else. I just felt like I had this image. I had to uphold all of these things and it was a dreadful place to be.

Speaker 1: 7:01

And with all of that added stress on my life, I didn't have any clarity at what the true situation was. All I knew was my husband and I were fighting all of the time. It was a very toxic situation. In our home life we couldn't communicate, just constantly talking about divorce and all of these things, until it finally all blew up in a huge argument that we had one weekend, which is what led me to leave All of this to say I did not have clarity because all I could see was what my husband needed to change and in fact, I just couldn't understand why any of it was happening.

Speaker 1: 7:36

It wasn't until I calmed down that I was able to truly look at the situation actually not even just look at it. It wasn't until I calmed down that it also calmed my marriage down, because I wasn't anxious towards my husband. Every single night, back before I left, he would come home and I would just plead, whine, cry, like why won't you spend time with me, why won't you open up with me? And it just pushed him further away. It got him kind of more into his box that he just sealed himself up into and just continued to create this chasm between us, which was so frustrating to have to experience. And so when I calmed down… and therefore it allowed that break between us to calm down, that chasm between us to calm down. I just kind of picture in my mind, as I'm talking about this, like electric wires between he and I. If I'm all frazzled, it's just going straight to him and he's getting frazzled too.

Speaker 1: 8:38

When I calmed down, he was then able to receive a break as well, and that's what actually ended up leading him to open up to me unprompted. I mean, he started calling me, sent me a couple of. Well, he first sent me a couple of text messages, then he called me and in that call he actually ended up opening up his heart to me and he gave me the insight into what the true issue was, which actually didn't have as much to do with me Not that I was perfect. I definitely had lots of things I needed to work on but there was a lot of unprocessed trauma in my husband's life that he hadn't shared with me, especially from that year that we had been separated, and it was taking a hit on him personally, really affecting his self-esteem, his pride, his ego. A lot of things had happened and I didn't know and I was able to get clarity, which then allowed me to see how effectively I could stop doing the things that were pushing my husband away and actually start doing the things to pull him closer. And so in that I was able to realize like he needs my support. He actually needs me to not harass him about how his day was and just in an effort to try and get him to talk to me, because that's not the safe thing for him to talk about right now. That's not where he wants to open up about. So what are some other ways that I can be there for him and support him during this difficult time he was having? And it brought a huge amount of empathy into the situation and allowed us, of course, to come back together.

Speaker 1: 10:11

My husband actually ended up coming up to where I was, and this was over the holidays and I ended up going back home with him and, of course, we were able to come back together and work over the next couple of years to put things back together and make our marriage better than it ever was before. But I was able to do this because I followed these steps. I calmed down, I got clarity, I stopped my pushes, I started my pulls, and one of the biggest pulls that I did during this time was working on myself. I began to really realize that I have value apart from my husband, and for so much of the first four or five years of my marriage I looked to him to give me a sense of self-worth and if he was happy with me, then I felt good about myself. I looked to him to fill that hole in me, which no one can do, and it was absolute, unrealistic expectation on my end. How many times do we do that in our marriage?

Speaker 1: 11:12

And it wasn't until I began to really work on myself because I'm worth it, because I logically, mentally, like mindset-wise, believed that I was worth it physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually to become the best I could be, regardless, not as a way to try and get him to come back or to get him to see me or to get him to love me, but just as a way of celebrating the fact that I am loved and I am worthy, regardless of my marriage status, regardless of anything I achieve, regardless of anything I do, I am loved and was loved before I ever did anything. And that's where my sense of self-worth ultimately began to take a huge shift in the right direction. So I worked on my pies, as we say here at Marriage Helper that physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual aspect of ourselves and that's when I began to see a huge change in me. The things that I was doing, the way that I was changing my behaviors, led to a huge change in my marriage. But the focus that I had and how I was going to pour into myself had the biggest change on me, and it just led to a continual snowball effect of a positive change in my marriage positive change on me, positive change on my marriage, positive change on me, positive change on my husband, which was not the goal. I mean, that was the goal, but that wasn't.

Speaker 1: 12:40

I wasn't doing it just for that. I was doing it because I deserved it, and you do too, whether you're separated or not whether you're physically separated or just under the same roof, but in different beds emotionally separated. These are the steps that can work for you as well and I know that because they have worked for thousands of people in situations very similar to yours and you can get started in that by going and joining our membership. In fact, the content in our membership has been created because it was the content that I wanted to have when I was going through my marriage crisis 10 years ago, and this is what we have now, something that has helped thousands upon thousands of people over the past several years. And we can help you in there as well by going to marriagehelpercom slash podcast. There's a special offer for you to join in your first month of the Save my Marriage program by joining there. Overall, here's what I hope you remember. There is always hope. I'll see you in the next episode.