7 Expert Marriage Advice Tips for a Happier Union

Embarking on the journey toward a happy marriage? Dr. Joe Beam, a relationship expert with acclaim, offers profound marriage advice for couples seeking to deepen their connection. This comprehensive guide illuminates the path to a fulfilling partnership, highlighting:

Passion and Intimacy: Unearth the secrets to sustaining a vibrant connection, a cornerstone for any happy marriage. Dr. Beam’s insights reveal how to weave passion with intimacy, creating a robust foundation for love.

Rebuilding Trust: For those grappling with past deceits, Dr. Beam provides actionable steps to restore trust. His approach emphasizes honesty and transparency, pivotal for couples looking to strengthen their bond.

Deciphering Lies: Understand the motivations behind dishonesty and strategies to confront them. This segment offers marriage advice crucial for couples aiming to foster a culture of openness and mutual respect.

Healing from Infidelity: Dr. Beam outlines a "calculative trust" strategy to navigate the aftermath of infidelity. Learn how to rebuild trust and intimacy, essential components of a resilient marriage.

The Impact of Limerence: Explore the concept of limerence and its effect on relationships. Dr. Beam offers guidance for couples dealing with its challenges, supporting a return to a happy and healthy marriage dynamic.

Anger Management: Discover techniques for managing emotional responses and improving communication. Effective anger management is key to resolving conflicts and maintaining a happy marriage.

Seeking Professional Help: Recognizing when to seek help is crucial. Dr. Beam advises on choosing the right couples' counselor, an important step for couples committed to repairing or enhancing their marriage.

Join Dr. Joe Beam as he provides expert marriage advice for couples, laying out the blueprint for a happy marriage. Through his guidance, discover how to cultivate passion, trust, and intimacy, ensuring a strong and lasting partnership.

Relationship Radio is hosted by CEO of Marriage Helper, Kimberly Beam Holmes, and founder of Marriage Helper, Dr. Joe Beam.

Regardless of your situation, what we teach will not only make your relationships better, but will also help you to become the best version of yourself along the way.

Relationship Radio is released every Wednesday and is an extension of Marriage Helper.

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast and leave a review. We love hearing from you!

For more resources about your specific situation, visit marriagehelper.com.

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Visit www.itstartswithattraction.com to check it out!

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:30

On today's episode of Relationship Radio, we're joined by Dr Joe Beame and he's gonna give us seven tips to create a happier marriage. My name is Jason, I'm the producer of the podcast and this is actually taken from a live stream that we did last Thursday. That was a live Q&A session with Dr Joe. This is a little bit longer of an episode than we normally do on Relationship Radio, so without further ado, let's go ahead and jump right in to today's episode. What do you say? We jump into some questions. Dr Joe Sounds good to me. All right. The first question that we have is how do you define passion and how do you maintain it? Can you describe the difference between passion and intimacy?

Speaker 2: 1:04

That's a very good question, and there is a difference between the two. Now, if we look at the way it's described by Sternberg, who is an expert when it comes to researching and talking about love, he would call passion a craving for oneness. Therefore, it definitely involves the emotions and, without a doubt, has a sexual dimension, whereas intimacy would be openness, transparency, vulnerability, so that you can learn to trust each other, so that you can share what you honestly do, think, feel, believe, et cetera, and still be accepted by the other person, even when that I'll agree with you. So intimacy and passion are both extremely important to love, but they're kind of contradictory to each other because, you see, passion gets stronger when you don't exactly know what's going to happen next. When there's surprise, when something new occurs, passion can intensify with that, whereas intimacy is just the opposite, and intimacy we want to know what's going to be happening next. I want to be able to trust you so I can predict your behavior, predict your emotions, predict our lives, and so therefore I want to be very secure. So intimacy says we want to know what's going to happen, have a good feeling about what's going to happen next, and that's what makes intimacy grow, or at least a part of what makes intimacy grow, Whereas passion, well, there needs to be some prize. A surprise here, a surprise there. Now, the key is to figure out how to do both of those things, and so you make kind of a list, if you will, at least in your mind, if you don't write it down. When it comes to things about life itself, like my being faithful to my spouse by telling the truth to my spouse, my not being involved in any way with somebody other than my spouse, those kinds of things, then that's where you want to be stable and secure so that intimacy can deepen and deepen, and deepen because of the fact that you know what to expect, your spouse knows what to expect, but with passion.

Speaker 2: 3:01

If you really want to make passion grow, then you've got to put some surprise into it, Some. So let's try something different, something new, particularly when it comes not just to sex, but especially with sex. But it can be just surprising that, since, all of a sudden, you're making your favorite meal, or you saved up some money and you've got your spouse around in a very famous golf course, those kinds of surprises. But they're not surprises about life and about your relationship, they're surprises to enhance the pleasure of the other person and of course, in that, as I was starting to say a minute ago, some sexual surprises like new lingerie or maybe a weekend away at the beach or whatever it might be. And so, while they're different, they are definitely compatible.

Speaker 2: 3:45

Just understand, in life and the matters that really count, no surprises. And passion, where you really want this craving for oneness but you want some excitement to go with it, surprises are good. Just make sure that your spouse will be happy with a surprise. Don't do something that you think would be good and you don't know if they think it'll be good or not. Jason, did I actually answer the question?

Speaker 1: 4:10

You did, you did, you did a good job answering that question as well. Thank you. Next question how can I get my husband to stop being mad at me for lying about my past? How do I regain trust?

Speaker 2: 4:22

You know, when it comes to lying, we tend to look at it as being three basic kind of liars. One kind of liar is the person. That is the get out or trouble liar, which means I'm not telling you the truth because I think that you're gonna react in some negative way. My guess is, if you have lied about your past, that it was that kind Like if I tell him what I really did, what I was really involved with those kinds of things, then he's gonna think differently of me, and so it would still be under the get out or trouble category, in the sense that I'm not gonna tell you the truth because I don't want you to be upset with me, disappointed with me, angry with me. But there's another kind of liar, and these are the liars that we call protective liars. Now, protective liars are those people that lie because they think they're actually protecting you by doing so. Now, I've told this story a gazillion times, so if you heard it, please forgive me, but a friend of mine who was a nurse, his wife had MS, and so she would say what's going to be the next stage of my MS, what's gonna happen next? And he would not tell of the truth and the reason he didn't tell of the truth, actually lied to her and gave her things that weren't going to happen, was because of the fact that he was afraid he would frighten her if she knew what was actually coming next. Instead, all he accomplished was the fact that she thought, first of all, you don't have a clue what you're talking about because you're never right. And secondly, I don't know how to prepare myself for these things, because you've always got me looking for the wrong thing instead of what's really going to happen. And when he finally realized that and started telling of the truth because that was what really truly would protect her the truth, so protective lies can sometimes be what did that guy say about me over there? He said that you're very intelligent. Now you might say that's a little white lie, but we're saying if you really want to establish relationship, you don't white lie either. You tell the truth. And then there's the third kind of liar, which is they just lie. They have difficulty telling the truth because of either psychological or emotional reasons.

Speaker 2: 6:19

Now I'm going to assume that you were to get out of trouble kind of a liar that you lied because you didn't want him to be disappointed. If that's the case I would say the first thing you do is to tell him that. Let me tell you why I lied. Because I was afraid that you might feel or think this, that, that this, and be specific and open. Make sure you don't sound, make it sound like an attack toward him, like well, you know how you are and so I figured you were going to go off the rails if I tell you the truth. Don't do that. What you do is humbly say, well, it's a shame, I felt guilty. Whatever the right emotion was, don't lie there. Tell the truth. And that's why I lied to you and I'm very sorry I did.

Speaker 2: 7:02

But you know, what's important to me now is to be truthful with you and you truthful with me. I can understand why you might doubt that. So let's do this thing called calculative trust. They talk about it over at Marriage Helper. Her doctor beam talk about it even today and that is let's set a system, and it matters what you think. You might not trust me, or you definitely don't trust me at the moment because of what's happened in the past. Let's set up a process that I will adhere to and we'll both live by it for several months, six, nine, 12. You can't live by it forever because you'll feel like you're some kind of a prisoner, but you can do it for several months and by doing that you'll have ways to have checks and balances. You'll be able to check to see if I really did tell you the truth. So, okay, you can see my cell phone and see all my text messages, if that's gonna give you comfort. Or you can see everything in the bank account and know where every penny goes, if that's what gives you comfort. Or you can put a thing on the computer and see every website that I go to, if that's what gives you comfort. In other words, I'm gonna do whatever it takes for a few months to let you know that I'm being completely honest and I'm not afraid of you checking behind me because I am telling the truth. We call that Calculative Trust because you actually have to calculate it out together.

Speaker 2: 8:19

Now, sometimes it's really good to have a third party, particularly a third party professional, help you with this, so that you don't make the Calculative Trust process too difficult. I mean to the point where the other person feels they can't even breathe anymore because you don't trust me in any shape, fashion or form in any part of my life, and so a wise person who can help you with that, to help you think it through and say that makes sense, that's reasonable. Hey, charlie, are you willing to do that? What about you, mary? Does that sound good to you? Okay, but this other thing right here, as an objective third party professional, let me recommend you not do that one, because it's going to be too draconian, it's going to be too controlling that kind of thing.

Speaker 2: 9:00

And so can you redevelop Trust? Absolutely. I know that in our membership area we have a toolkit about how to develop Trust, and and some day you might want to look into that or to talk to one of our coaches who can be the professional third party. But can it be done? Sure, and if, in the meantime, you're thinking, but while we're doing the Calculative Trust, that means he doesn't trust me, the answer to that is that's correct, he doesn't. But if he has the ability to trust you again, you have to develop that by going through the Calculative Trust process so that he can trust you again. So it's not magic, but it does work. And it does take some effort, but it's definitely doable.

Speaker 1: 9:44

Absolutely. Next question, dr Joe.

Speaker 2: 9:46

Yes.

Speaker 1: 9:48

From your experience with thousands of couples. When limerence ends, does your spouse wake up and say what have I done? Who have I become? Or do they still hold on to the story and not realize the damage and pain to the standing spouse and family?

Speaker 2: 10:01

Okay, you gave me two possibilities there yes and yes. What I mean by that? Everybody is different. Are there some people that, when the limerence end, just kind of come to their senses almost immediately? Yes, I've witnessed that many times. But more times than that I have witnessed people who don't let go yet, and it's not necessarily because of the fact that they're trying to continue in limerence with the other person, although that sometimes is the case.

Speaker 2: 10:29

So if you know anything about my story, you know that I left Alice way back in 1984, before you were born. I left Alice for another woman with whom I was in limerence. I divorced Alice so I could marry that woman and be happily married ever after. Of course that didn't happen and I did not come back to Alice immediately when the limerence faded, because it faded first with the woman I was involved with. It faded second with me, and so when she wanted out of our relationship and left me for a while, I was grasping, trying to bring her back because of those intense emotions of limerence. But those finally will eliminate themselves. They'll finally extinguish themselves, which is actually the right psychological word. And when that happened that I immediately go back to Alice.

Speaker 2: 11:15

No, because I had also vilified Alice quite a bit in my mind so I could justify what I was doing with the other woman, and so there had to be a little time passed for me to get past the own poison I'd put in my mind about Alice. So do some people do it that fast? Yes, we've never seen many times. Do some people take longer? Yes, and it can be, either because they're not out of limerence yet but the limerent partner has said I'm done, or they are out of limerence but they have so vilified the spouse that it takes a little while for them to get that poison out of their mind. And so the answer is yes, and yes, it can happen. Either way, my encouragement is whichever way it happens, be patient, because it definitely does end. It just may not end as quickly as you want it.

Speaker 1: 12:08

In your experience about how long is like the range of how long limerence usually lasts, and just in your experience and maybe according to the research as well.

Speaker 2: 12:16

The research indicates that it's going to last somewhere between three months and 48 months. By the time you found out that it was occurring, it may have already been one year or two years in existence. Really, Really, it's amazing how well people in limerence can often hide it. They hide the affair, etc. And so it's not unusual for the other spouse, the one that's being cheated on, to go a full 12 months before they finally found out about it. Now some find out immediately.

Speaker 2: 12:46

But it's not unusual to go a year before you find out or even two years before you can prove it, where that you sense it, you are pretty sure it's happening, but you don't have the documentation, you don't have the evidence. Now, in my experience and that's been since I started working with couples in 30 years ago at the time of this recording I've only seen it go past 36 months a handful of times, like five or six. It's really rare to go past 36 months. In my experience and understand we've worked with thousands and thousands of couples. I have seen it in as quickly as three months from the beginning to the end. Three months. I've seen it go like 36 months. I've seen a lot more go only 24 months and you say, but wait a minute. You said earlier, dr Beam, that the statistics, the research, says it can go 48. Yes, but I'm telling you based on my experience, that's relatively rare.

Speaker 2: 13:41

And if you say, well, my spouse has been in limerence for six years, we would probably say that's not limerence. Now, I can't say that because I don't know your spouse, I don't know your situation, but it could be a fantasy that he has attached himself to which doesn't have all the same characteristics that limerence does. For limerence, the last five years, six years, seven years, highly, highly, highly unlikely. But can a fantasy last longer? Where a person is clinging to a fantasy, yes, but maybe someday we should talk about the difference in the fantasy and the limerence. But they're not the same thing and the fantasy doesn't have the same degree of hold on the person. In other words, I'd rather try to help somebody get out of a fantasy, to put a marriage back together, than somebody could have limerence, because that will be the more difficult of the two. Did I make that more confusing, jason?

Speaker 1: 14:33

No, no, not at all, not at all. You explained it very well, and one of the most important things to remember about this as well is that there's always hope in these situations. That there's always hope.

Speaker 2: 14:44

It's kind of fun for me to run into people who tell me I've got this couple, I need to send you guys, but there's no hope, really no hope. And if we can convince them both to come the spouse that wants to save the marriage and the other spouse who's reluctant the odds of them saving their marriage go really, really high. Up to three out of four, up to 75 percent. You say why? Well, we have been able to develop over the years. By the grace of God, we've been able to develop a system that's extremely powerful in helping people to stop the stuff they're doing, destroying the marriage, and start doing new things to make the marriage work. Even a spouse who comes to our workshop who doesn't want to be there?

Speaker 2: 15:26

You see about every 10 couples that walk into the door of our three-day intensive workshops, eight or nine of those couples, one spouse does not want to be there. And yet by the time we end the three days, because of the fact we're able to share so much information, we don't twist their arms, we don't preach out, we try to make them feel guilty. We don't do any of that. We just teach and teach and teach good solid social science research, and it's amazing how people see themselves in it to the point where nobody in the county thought that couple could make it and now they're happily married again. Yeah, we don't get shocked by that, we see it happen all the time. And so, yes, there's always hope, always hope. We'd love to help and we actually enjoy working with the couples that everybody's given up on because there's so much enjoyment, but not from like a giddy laughter. Enjoyment from a deep seated hey, this is a good thing, that bless the world kind of enjoyment. We'd love for you to come be part of that.

Speaker 1: 16:29

Absolutely so. The next question that we have here is my wife and I are separated, but we're living together. I get angry, hurt or resentful when she says some of the things that she says to me. How should I handle these emotions in the moment or even after, when I feel like I'm just going to explode?

Speaker 2: 16:45

Okay, Anger is based on pain, and so what we know and you know this already is that when she says those things to you, it hurts. It hurts you because of the fact that you love her. It hurts you because of the fact that it attacks your very character, your very being. It hurts from a lot of different reasons. She might even be saying some mean things to you that your mom or your dad said to you when you were a kid and therefore opening up all that scar tissue as well, and it's from the pain that the anger comes. So we say you're not going to resolve it by just trying to control the anger. Now do the best you can, because angry outbursts those are what we call pushes, and so if she says that and then you react negatively, you're pushing her further away. But as a matter of behavior modification if you've ever had to take a class in that in high school or college Behavioral Modification 101, if she knows you're going to get angry when she says something like that, then believe it or not, based on how either mad she is at you or how much she's trying to justify her behavior of leaving you, or there's some emotional reason for her to find some kind of peace in the fact that you get mad at her. Either she feels like she's being punished, which she feels like she deserves, or it helps to justify. See, that's why I'm believing you, so they can feel better about that. I mean, there could be a hundred different reasons that they say those things to get you angry, because that angry is satisfying some specific need within them. If you can control the anger and you don't respond, you say, oh, then she'll quit saying those things. No, I'm saying just the opposite. If you don't, if that's what she's looking for, if that's what she wants, that angry response then if you stop doing that, the first thing she's going to do is increase that behavior. Yeah, for real, say meaner things more often, louder, those kinds of things. You say why? Again, it's behavior modification 101. You know she will give you the stimulus. You will give her the response. For some reason that satisfied her, pleaser. Now she gives you the stimulus and you don't give the response. What did they do? They increased the stimulus. I'll be louder, I'll be meaner, etc.

Speaker 2: 19:04

And if you continue not to respond in anger, then eventually that eradicates itself or, better word, extinguishes itself. But if she intensifies and your anger gets the better of you and you respond. Well, you've just taught her to start here. Not here, but here. And so if you're going to control your anger, you're going to be really consistent about it. So find some kind of system like you go to your happy place in your head or you silently count one to ten, or, if you're religious, you silently pray inside your head oh God, shut my mouth and don't let those expressions come out of my face.

Speaker 2: 19:43

Now, the other side of that is this you can set what most people call a boundary, we call it a stop. A stop stands for a safeguard, that's the S safeguard that offers protection, s-t-o-p. And you can say to her something like this now don't do it angrily, don't do it angrily. But you could say you know when you use those words to me, and you need to be specific about what those words are. When you use those words to me, let me tell you how it feels inside.

Speaker 2: 20:13

Now don't attack her like you. Make me feel inferior. You make me angry. You talk about it from your standpoint. When I hear those words come out of your mouth, so I always went from the highest standpoint. It hurts me deeply. It makes me question my own value. It makes me wonder, however well, I'm not about to ask things here, don't need that, I'm gonna get too complicated, so don't let me get too complicated, jason. Okay, I got you All right. So the point here is then if you're gonna stop it, you've gotta be consistent, because if she increases or intensifies and you start doing it again, you've made it worse. So don't react. Find somebody to be able not to do that.

Speaker 2: 20:56

And the second part of it is at some point you'll have to say I can't live like this, not attacking her, but saying this does too much damage to me. Now, if you do that, you're gonna have to build a consequence that occurs if she continues to do it. I don't have time to explain that here. We do have a toolkit you can look up. We call it the definitive guide to boundaries, and I hate to sound like a commercial, but I do 10 videos there explaining how you can do stops and cores, and it can teach you how to do that in a way where it actually can work to keep her from using that kind of behavior, saying those kind of words.

Speaker 2: 21:33

I wish I could explain it all to you right here for free. I do, but I don't have time, so let me summarize that Don't react, find some way to control it and don't let her push you out of that into reacting again. Secondly, then, when you're calm enough because you're gonna do it calmly, get the toolkit, the definitive guide to boundaries. Or, if you wanna do it on your own, you can, but you're more likely to not make it work the correct way because most people end up making mistakes at it and we don't want you to do that. But you can definitely set some boundaries where that's not gonna happen, but not by attacking her, by explaining what it's doing to you and why it has to stop and what the consequences will be if it doesn't stop.

Speaker 1: 22:17

We talked about this before we started this live stream. This is a question that was submitted kind of late. It's not on my sheet here, okay, but someone said what do you do when you don't really know what to do?

Speaker 2: 22:33

Okay, I think that's a fair question. I think the first thing you have to think is this Admit to yourself that you don't know what to do, and don't feel badly about it that you don't, because I'll guarantee you, every one of us at times will face situations in life that are outside of our experiences, outside of our education, outside of our training, and we're gonna look at that situation and go I don't know what to do. And so if you can admit that to yourself without feeling ashamed, without feeling embarrassed, without feeling guilty, that's a healthy thing. Now the second thing is then you need to find out what to do, and the best way to do that is to ask somebody and you say well, why don't I just go Google it? Well, you can, if you wish, to use your favorite search engine and write what do I do when my wife is having an affair? What do I do when my husband is addicted to alcohol? You can do that. The problem with doing that on Google, you're gonna get 90 million responses in about three seconds. You may work through a page, possibly even two pages, of looking what people have to say and unfortunately, they're gonna be saying different things. These people will say this, those people will say that and you'll end up getting more confused.

Speaker 2: 23:45

So it's better off to talk to somebody who can ask questions about your specific situation, because you see, if I'm writing an article and it's out there on the internet and you find it on Google, I'm addressing a generic situation and that information or the advice I'm giving, I should say, might not be the best advice for you in your situation. So being able to talk to somebody, somebody who knows, somebody who can help you, makes all the sense in the world. But just that you can't just talk to anybody, you can't just ask anybody Like if you ask your mom or your dad or your brother or your best friend, whomever, then the answers will be well-meaning because they are people who love you and care about you. But if they don't have the right experience, education and expertise, then they're gonna want to be giving you that advice and if you do what they recommend, you're gonna wind up making things worse. You say, well, I'll just go talk to my pastor. Well, you can, if you will. You're a rabbi, your imam, whatever it might be in your religion or lack thereof. But understand that often, even though they're well-equipped to do their jobs in their religious position often aren't very well trained when it comes to helping people know what to do when it comes to marriage problems. So even they can wind up giving you some pretty bad advice, not because they're bad people, but because they just don't have the expertise.

Speaker 2: 25:13

You say, oh, but I see online, there are tons of coaches out there. I'll find one of these coaches, Okay, but if you're gonna find a coach, you need to find out what kind of education he or she has. You see, at least with a counselor, a counselor has to meet certain educational standards to begin with, and then they have to go through a process where that they are actually trained, which means that somebody is paying attention when they're doing counseling and therapy, to make sure that they're doing it right and to teach them better when they do it wrong. And then, every year or two, based on which state they're in, to keep their licensure, they have to go through continuing education and learning even more. And so counselors, then, are continually learning, whereas coaches.

Speaker 2: 25:58

Now, if I were going to get a coach, I'd get a business coach. As a matter of fact, I think I'm about to sign up with one who is a buddy of mine because he's been extremely successful at business and most business situations are the same. But if I'm going to get a relationship coach or marriage coach, I'm going to make sure that that's somebody who really understands relationships, not just because they had their own experience and he got better, not just because of the fact that they read a book or two or that they met some guru somewhere and talked to him or her, because those people are not having to have continuing education as they go along. They don't have supervisors who can step in and say no, no, no, that's not right, we need to do it this way. So are there some good coaches out there? Absolutely. But for example, the coaches that work for us constant continuing education, year by year by year, constant supervision, constant oversight, because we treat them as if they were counselors. Certainly they're not, they're coaches, but we're going to make sure they're up to date and they know what they're doing and that they have somebody over them who's not just another party but somebody who actually has better training in education, et cetera. And if you can't find that kind of coach, then I would say look for a counselor, but make sure, if you're looking for a counselor to help you with your marriage that they are pro marriage as a matter of fact. I would ask that question up front. Look, I'm looking for a counselor who will see the marriage as the client, and if they say I don't know what that means, I think you're very kindly and call somebody else. I'm looking for a counselor who sees the marriage as the client, because they're the ones that are going to help you find the best path forward and then we're glad to help.

Speaker 2: 27:38

We've been doing it for three decades at the time of this recording, working with thousands and thousands of couples around the world. We have team members in South Africa, for example. We have team members in England. We're about to go into Australia as well as a good old USA, and we're saying we'll be glad to help you. What you do is that you'll call. There will be a link at the end of this or at the bottom and you click that link. Actually, help me again, jason. What's the website?

Speaker 1: 28:04

Yeah, so if you go to marriagehelpercom slash book now that gets one word, just one word BO O K N O W. That gets you on. It helps you fill out a form and you can get in contact with one of our intake specialists.

Speaker 2: 28:17

Okay, and that's free. They're not counselors, they're not therapists, they're intake specialists, which means they will listen to your story, because the services we offer are across a broad range, because not every marriage situation is like and certainly not every person is like, and so we get that and they'll listen to you, not as a counselor, therapists, but to say, hey, this is the best service we have to help you if you want our help. So that's marriage helper, that's marriage help E R marriage helpercom slash book now. And so don't be afraid if you don't know what to do, don't be ashamed if you don't know what to do, and please don't take a guess and take a stab in the dark. You're so much likely to do the wrong thing to make things worse. So, rather than just wondering around in the darkness or being led by somebody else who's also in the darkness, find somebody who's trained, who's experienced. So you're looking for experience, education and expertise.

Speaker 1: 29:15

Absolutely Okay. So next question let me see find the right sheet of paper here. Why does my husband not act like he did when we first got together? He loved sex with me and now nothing, no sex. At this point, we are basically roommates. What do I do?

Speaker 2: 29:30

It's not such an unusual situation. Study that was done, oh my goodness, about 20 years ago now, but it was an effective, amazing study done nationwide in America Found that 20% of American married couples between the ages of 18 and 59. We're not talking about octogenarians here that 20% of those people have sex less than once a month, and those are called no sex marriages. About 3% of American marriages are unconsummated, which means that they're married but they've never had sex with each other. Now, most often if it's an unconsummated marriage, it's because of some physiological problem, such as a thing called vaginismus, which is a tightening of the vagina so that nothing can enter, or erectile dysfunction, where he wants to do penile vaginal intercourse with her, but he can't have an erection to make that happen. And so most unconsummated marriages have some kind of physical reason, although there are some which are for emotional or psychological reasons. Now, any couple that does get married will typically have more sex at the beginning.

Speaker 2: 30:34

In sexology we talk about the fact that after a couple of years there's a thing called habituation. You say, what does that mean? Well, there's not a whole lot of newness left. You know, you've seen everything there is to see. You've touched everything there is to touch you. You've explored everything there is to explore all those kinds of things. You've said the things that you know. You can't think of anything else. You would even say that would make it more exciting or erotic. And so habituation can set in, and when that happens, frequency decreases and so does repertoire.

Speaker 2: 31:06

We don't make love as much, and when we do, it tends to now be a standard way of doing it. We do the same thing over and over again, and that can lead to a thing called sexual boredom, and so there's a possibility that that's what's going on here. It's like that's not really fulfilling to me anymore, because what we had to begin with was what I was excited about, and now we're so used to each other that's not happening anymore. Now, if that's the case, if that's why and, by the way, I would strongly ask you to ask him why I realized that, uh, that we don't make love much anymore. I would like to. I need it. Can you help me understand? Is there some reason you don't want to make love with me? Don't make it sound like he's the bad guy. Don't attack him. Put it from your own standpoint, like I really want this. Can you help me understand. Is there something I'm doing? Has something changed? And so you may find out that it has nothing to do with the marriage at all. You may find out that it's stress outside of the marriage, like at work or some situation like that, and that stress is so affecting him that he has become asexual, at least for a period of time. You may find out it might be some kind of fear, like, okay, every once in a while my heart kind of acts up a little bit. I'm scared to go to the doctor to get it checked out, but I'm beginning to fear. Maybe, just maybe, I might have a heart attack. Oh, my goodness, make love to you, have sex with you when I'm already afraid I might have a heart attack. No, I'm not going to do that either. Or it may be that relationship itself is so soured that it's like I wouldn't mind having sex. It's just I really don't want to have sex with you because I don't like our relationship right now. You understand, or it could be. It's not the same thing it was to begin with, or it may be. I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but you're not very good at this.

Speaker 2: 32:57

I did a survey several years ago where I surveyed American married couples 21 years of age and older living with their spouses living in America, and that's because I was trying to get a specific group in the study there and one of the questions was is there anything that has significantly reduced your sexual desire for your spouse? Interestingly, a significant number of women said my husband's not a very good lover. It's, it's it's standard. So that's boring. It's the same thing every time. That's boring. But I don't think he knows how to be Erotic. I don't think he knows how to be romantic, is mostly left. Okay, that happened is over. Thank you, kindly, let's go.

Speaker 2: 33:36

Well, that can happen on the woman's side as well, and so it may be. It may be that you are not being a good lover physically. No, I don't know that, I don't know you, but I'm saying there's a possibility. And so if you ask your husband why don't you want to make love to me anymore, and if he feels he can honestly answer and Somewhere during that entry says and it's just not very Good anymore, that's when you can look at him and say Well, I understand that. I would like for it to be. How do you recommend that we make it better and there are all kinds of resources out there that can help you do that.

Speaker 2: 34:14

Or it may be that you're sexually inhibited we actually can measure that and females and males and if you're sexually inhibited to a certain degree, so that your husband sometimes wants to do that and sometimes wants to do that and sometimes wants to do that, and because of your inhibition it's like no, no, no, no, after a while that husband or wife if this lived can finally start giving up thinking it's never going to be exciting like it was at the outset, because they're never going to be any newness again. You know you might be thinking well, dr Beam, what if my spouse wants me to do something that I just can't do Because of my religious beliefs or because of the way my mom and dad raised me, or whatever it might be? Well, we have a toolkit for that too. It's actually called a spark your marriage. I think right. Is that right? Spark your marriage. I think that's right. I think that's correct. It's more expensive than most of our toolkits is seven and a half hours, a video of me teaching about sex, and every so often we have a, an actor couple talk out, talk out a sexual scenario, and then we also give you Profiles for you to turn off the video here.

Speaker 2: 35:24

Complete this profile, then turn it back on and I'll tell you what your scores mean. And so there are all kinds of possibilities. Maybe it's because One of you's not a good lover. Maybe it's because outside stresses. Maybe it's because the relationship is in trouble, even if you don't know that it is. Maybe it's because of just pure sexual boredom. Maybe it's because the other person's finally just frustrated that you're not gonna be loose and let go and be Uninhibited in the bedroom. There could be a ton of different reasons. But the best thing you can do is ask and you help me understand why.

Speaker 2: 35:57

Now, if you ask that question, you have to listen and don't react to the answers, because if your husband says something like, well, you know, you've put on 30 pounds and and you go, hey, stop right there, that's body-shaming and your discussion is over. If you're gonna ask him why he's not making love to you now, or ask your wife why she's not making love to you now, you cannot defend yourself, you cannot attack the answer. You have to truly listen, truly understand and then together try to work it out. We're not the thing to remember and I'm sorry I'm going along on this answer and that is the first thing they say Might not be the real thing. In other words, I'll say it. I'm not saying it's a lie, but it's not the real, true core issue going on here and you may not find out what that true core issue is and tell you.

Speaker 2: 36:48

Been talking for a while and your spouse finally gets to feeling safe enough that I really can tell you what I think. I really can tell you what I feel and and you're going to hear me and If you can do that, you can get to it because You're gonna have great sex. Great sex, not just good sex, great sex into your hundreds. We'd love to help you figure out how to do that. Unfortunately, with a generic question like that, jason, I don't know specifically how to answer. Yeah, it's like answer to broad Two-shot gun.

Speaker 1: 37:22

No, not at all, not at all. And if you want to go and learn more about this topic, the relationship radio episode that actually released yesterday Deals with sex in a marriage and when a spouse refuses sex. So if you want to go, check that out that released yesterday on our YouTube channel how do you get to relationship?

Speaker 2: 37:38

radio?

Speaker 1: 37:38

I don't even know you can, you can go to our YouTube channel. Or, if you want to listen to the audio version, you can go to any of the podcast platforms of your choosing and type in relationship radio, and all the episodes will be listed there.

Speaker 2: 37:49

Okay, but if you go to youtubecom, slash marriage helper, that's correct.

Speaker 1: 37:54

Then they can see the video version Absolutely, which is the channel that they're on right now.

Speaker 2: 37:58

Oh cool.

Speaker 1: 37:59

They're on YouTube right now, so if you just go to our channel, all right, you can see all of the relationship radio episodes there as well.

Speaker 2: 38:04

They're in a playlist all by themselves and for all you who are thinking being you're just pretending you really knew all that, jason, you know, I don't know any. No comment from you.

Speaker 1: 38:16

How do you connect with someone if they are emotionally unavailable? And when they try, and when you try to talk about real issues, they get triggered and they think you are only trying to start a fight.

Speaker 2: 38:26

If a person is emotionally unavailable, there's a reason for it. They're afraid of something, they're afraid of rejection, they're afraid that if they tell the truth, somehow they're gonna be punished. I mean, there's some kind of fear driving that. It may come all the way back from childhood, where that they learned early on if they said what they really thought or really felt, that mom or dad or both, or whoever the primary caregiver was, would punish them in some kind, either by embarrassing them, by yelling at them, maybe even by physical punishment. But they're that way because of a reason. Now, if you try to get them to talk about things, they're gonna feel they're being lured into it and they're gonna be very wary of that. You've already discovered that. You implied that in your question. Instead, what you want to do is this Say, hey, I heard about this exercise the other day that I think is kind of cool. If you don't feel comfortable doing your side of it, please let me do mine and let's talk about it. And so you find a time when the television is off, the phones are off, the children are in bed, In other words, there are no distractions and you say okay, here's the exercise.

Speaker 2: 39:34

Each one of us is going to pick one story, a portion of our life before we knew each other, and we're going to pick a story that we think gives some insight into how we think or feel or act or believe today. And so you've already need to prepare years ahead of time and look back at something. Maybe it's something that happened when you were six. It may be something that happened when you were 16. But you tell that story. Now, if you tell the story, I'm not asking you to act it out, because then it'd be like a hypocrite, but I'm asking you to let yourself, in your own mind, see it. You say why? Because if you can see it in your mind as you describe it, then your spouse can also get a mental image of it as well. And you tell what happened, you tell how it affected you. Then, in other words, here's what happened, here's how I felt at the time, and then this is how I think it affects the way I think, feel, act or believe today. Now then you ask your spouse can we talk?

Speaker 1: 40:31

about that.

Speaker 2: 40:33

Let's look back through it, ask me questions or help me see things, point out things, because I really want you to help me get insight into myself. I'm not asking you to tell me what I should have done. It's happened in the past. I'm asking you to help me think it through and learn from it. Now do that with your spouse who is emotionally unavailable. If they will participate and you can tell them upfront. If you don't want to do it, that's fine. But it would help me when you help me do it by listening and talking with me. They can still refuse that, of course, but if you can get at least that first step, then a couple of weeks later you do it again, but not the same story. Hey, that was very good for me. Here's something I learned about myself. Can we try it again? And then you tell a different story and at some point, without pushing, you say to the emotionally unavailable person do you have any stories like that from your childhood that you're willing to share with me? If they say no, thank you. Only I still do this every two or three weeks I want to do it. And if they say yes, keep on. And our experience is that almost every time, not every time, but almost every time.

Speaker 2: 41:41

At some point your spouse will start telling those stories too, you say does that make them emotionally available? Yes, not immediately, but it will, because if they tell those stories, let themselves see it in their minds. They're going to feel the emotions they feel when it happened. Those emotions are going to express in their tone of voice, they're going to express in their body language, their facial expressions, and you're never going to say, oh, you shouldn't have reacted like that, or here's what you should have done.

Speaker 2: 42:09

No, no, no, no, no. You're going to go wow, I'm sure that hurt, or I can see how that made you happy, whatever emotion is they're talking about, and then say what kind of insight do you think that gives you into yourself? Would you let me, after you do that, tell me what I think it gives me some insight into you. And each time I tell my story, if you get any insight into me, would you share it with me? And through that exercise you can eventually get even the most closed person to be emotionally open. It requires patience and you cannot push it, you cannot force it. There you go.

Speaker 1: 42:48

Now remember, if you want to get in contact with someone to learn more about our 3A intensive workshop, our coaching or our membership, you can go to marriagehelpercom slash book now. That will get you in contact with someone from our team, an intake specialist. And remember, they're not coaches, they're not counselors, but they are trained to help you, to help guide you through your situation, to find out what's best for your situation.

Speaker 2: 43:11

As a final word, allow me to say this, please it's difficult, sometimes almost impossible, to do this alone. It becomes more and more difficult if you're getting advice from the wrong people. We really want to help. So that call is free. It's not going to cost you anything but a few minutes of your time. Go ahead and schedule that and talk to our intake specialists, because if we can help, we want to help, and if you don't do anything, nothing changes. At least calling us will start some kind of change, hopefully a good change. But it's up to you to do that and I hope and pray that you do it right now, please.