Is your marriage marked by trust issues and a controlling spouse? Control, often driven by fear of abandonment, can leave you feeling trapped, manipulated, and hurt by guilt-tripping. This destroys the safety of a relationship, but there IS hope for change, and it could even save your marriage.
Marriage Helper Coach Roald Gerber understands. He was once a controlling spouse, and his journey from control to connection inspires change. He offers insights and tools to help you:
* Recognize control, from subtle guilt-tripping to obvious tactics.
* Understand how fear of abandonment influences controlling behavior.
* Address control in a way that reduces conflict and promotes healing.
* See how couples rebuild trust after years of pain, proving your marriage can be different.
This transformation isn't just about fixing a controlling spouse. It's about understanding how your reactions and fears might play into the dynamic. This knowledge allows you to create a stronger, healthier partnership.
If you struggle with a controlling spouse and the emotional toll it takes, don't do it alone. Therapists like Roald specialize in breaking destructive patterns and rebuilding trust. It takes hard work, BUT a safe, supportive marriage is achievable.
Want personalized help to save your marriage? Book a FREE call with the Marriage Helper team: https://marriagehelper.com/booknow
Relationship Radio is hosted by CEO of Marriage Helper, Kimberly Beam Holmes, and founder of Marriage Helper, Dr. Joe Beam.
Regardless of your situation, what we teach will not only make your relationships better, but will also help you to become the best version of yourself along the way.
Relationship Radio is released every Wednesday and is an extension of Marriage Helper.
Be sure to subscribe to the podcast and leave a review. We love hearing from you!
For more resources about your specific situation, visit marriagehelper.com.
We have a new website for the It Starts With Attraction podcast!
Visit www.itstartswithattraction.com to check it out!
Is your marriage marked by trust issues and a controlling spouse? Control, often driven by fear of abandonment, can leave you feeling trapped, manipulated, and hurt by guilt-tripping. This destroys the safety of a relationship, but there IS hope for change, and it could even save your marriage.
Marriage Helper Coach Roald Gerber understands. He was once a controlling spouse, and his journey from control to connection inspires change. He offers insights and tools to help you:
* Recognize control, from subtle guilt-tripping to obvious tactics.
* Understand how fear of abandonment influences controlling behavior.
* Address control in a way that reduces conflict and promotes healing.
* See how couples rebuild trust after years of pain, proving your marriage can be different.
This transformation isn't just about fixing a controlling spouse. It's about understanding how your reactions and fears might play into the dynamic. This knowledge allows you to create a stronger, healthier partnership.
If you struggle with a controlling spouse and the emotional toll it takes, don't do it alone. Therapists like Roald specialize in breaking destructive patterns and rebuilding trust. It takes hard work, BUT a safe, supportive marriage is achievable.
Want personalized help to save your marriage? Book a FREE call with the Marriage Helper team: https://marriagehelper.com/booknow
Relationship Radio is hosted by CEO of Marriage Helper, Kimberly Beam Holmes, and founder of Marriage Helper, Dr. Joe Beam.
Regardless of your situation, what we teach will not only make your relationships better, but will also help you to become the best version of yourself along the way.
Relationship Radio is released every Wednesday and is an extension of Marriage Helper.
Be sure to subscribe to the podcast and leave a review. We love hearing from you!
For more resources about your specific situation, visit marriagehelper.com.
We have a new website for the It Starts With Attraction podcast!
Visit www.itstartswithattraction.com to check it out!
Rolled, I'm so happy for you to be joining me today on Relationship Radio. For the listeners who may not know, or viewers watching on YouTube, rolled Gerber has been a coach with Marriage Helper for several years. He is one of our workshop facilitators and a coach. He has been coaching with clients and typically gets clients like right in the middle of their pain, right in the middle of the mess, in the hopelessness, and has seen so many clients move in many different ways, I'm sure, and we're gonna get into a lot of that today. Thank you for being here.
Speaker 2:That's good, and it's good to be here in Tennessee, right? Not in South Africa, not doing this over.
Speaker 1:Zoom Exactly, so it's a lot better. I know that's how we knew we had to snag you.
Speaker 2:It's been a long time coming.
Speaker 1:It's been a long time coming, that's for sure. So let's talk about where you typically meet people. So when they first come to Marriage Helper, when they get on a coaching session, like what is the headspace? A lot of people learn, cause I think some people hesitate to take the first step until they feel like they have to have it all together, or maybe they don't feel like they're in a bad enough position. But what are the common things that you see?
Speaker 2:Yeah, you're right. I think I've had a couple of clients even say I was so nervous about my first call. I didn't know what to expect. What was this gonna be like? Is it like therapy, where I'm just talking about all my pain and so I get that. I think people are nervous. Well, what do we expect? So I think for me, I get clients mostly in that space of where they don't have clarity. There's so much happening, so much confusion, so many emotions. It's like okay, well, what is next? What do I need to do here? What's my next actual steps I can take? How do I take care of me? How do I even know what's coming next? So a lot about the future is unclear, but also the emotions they're feeling. How do I process what I'm going through right now so that I can keep doing what I'm doing? So I think a lot of just that a lot of emotion, a lot of confusion.
Speaker 1:typically when folks come to us as coaches, and what situations have precipitated their conversations with you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I mean we have the full spectrum. So, right from affairs which we know happen regularly, from to control, to hey, my spouse has done all of these mean things. How do I forgive them? How do I even choose to move on? Or, hey, I've done.
Speaker 1:X.
Speaker 2:Y and Z. I've realized I've been controlling or I was using the horseman, I was critical, and so now I'm beating myself up for the things that I've done. So really a full spectrum of people that come to us and they go okay, what's next? What can I do? Is there even hope? Is there anything I can do to change my situation or just be better for myself as well?
Speaker 1:Define control.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think that has a couple of faces From our situation. It was really Like you and your wife Tammy.
Speaker 2:Yeah yeah for us. For me, it was really fear. I had this inherent fear of being abandoned, of being just. Someone was gonna discard me, and Tammy fell in that category. It's like if I did something wrong or if I wasn't perfect, or if Tammy got this idea in her head that something was up, she would just leave me. And so for me it was like I need to keep her close, I wanna with me, I wanna do this all with me, but in that process I would ignore what she was feeling because I was like as long as I can keep you close and as long as I can kind of make you fit into my world, you'll stay with me, which is completely. You can't think like that, but I did, and so for me it was often putting her under a lot of pressure, guilting her so I've used this example before but she would feel unwell, like feeling a bit ill, doesn't wanna go to church, but I would make her feel guilty about her faith, not because I was trying to be mean to her, but I was just trying to bring her with me to church, and for her to stay home was like a way of me being rejected, and so I would pout, I'd make her feel so guilty about her faith that eventually she would just give in and like, okay, I'll go with you. I'll go with you just to make me happy. And I can say often to clients it wasn't my intent to control her, but this fear of abandonment made me feel like I need to keep her close.
Speaker 2:But I've had clients with money issues. I had a client that husband had installed cameras in their house and so she would come home have done grocery shopping. He would know because it would alert him on the camera app. And as she was unpacking groceries from her bag he would be mentally tallying up what she had just spent. Phone her and go you've spent $10 over budget. That petty. You need to return those items immediately. That was not in our agreement. So when you look at that, that's one element. Then I've had the other side, which is the sexual side. Is withholding or demanding. You see that quite often in different ways. But so control is, I think, a whole lot of faces.
Speaker 2:Those are just one or two examples.
Speaker 1:And at its core, I mean control is is trying not to oversimplify it, but control is in order for me to love you and accept you, you need to fit this set of rules that I expect you to uphold and that can come out in several different ways. That we treat people, yeah, and it's an issue right Like I think that it's. I mean, what we've seen at Marriage Helper is it's like the second most common issue right under affairs, but it probably, if people actually understood what control like truly was, it would be the most common issue, because there's so many ways it can just creep in, even in good marriages, yeah.
Speaker 2:I think another way is like for Tammy and I. It was so subtle in some instances, but it was always like we try to one up each other and that's not showing each other acceptance where, hey, we're different, we think differently, we have different perspectives. So for me it was always like let me use an illustration we're climbing the same mountain.
Speaker 2:We're on the same journey of life, but Tammy's climbing from the right hand side, I'm climbing from the left and it's like me. For me it was like, hey, I see this beautiful tree and there's such an amazing scenery. But from Tammy's perspective, she's seeing something completely different. It's wetlands and it's. And it's me saying to her but my way is the only way you can't be seeing that we're on the same mountain, I can't see what you're seeing. And instead of saying, well, I understand what you're seeing, it's not what I'm seeing, but I can imagine what you're seeing I would shut her down. It's like you can't be seeing that. There's no way you're doing that, and so I would just shut down her opinions, shut down her thoughts. And it was subtle, it wasn't. That was my intent. I didn't wake up and go. I'm gonna control my wife.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:But that subtle competition, that just one upping each other, always was so destructive because neither of us felt heard or accepted and just created a lot of division.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So let's give some practical examples of this. So I don't know the kinds of things you used to like fight about or be controlling about, but let's just say, for example, Tammy came to you on a Thursday and she said I want us to go hiking at this place I know you all have hiked in South Africa before. I've seen the pictures Like, let's go hiking as a family for this place this weekend. Now how would you have responded if that was something you didn't want to do or you were trying to control it, Like what would it have looked like? Or what could it have looked like for you to try and get her to do what you wanted?
Speaker 2:Sometimes it was more just like I don't think you really thought this through, Like I've done all the research and I've done all the investigation.
Speaker 1:Like I don't think your idea is gonna work Like belittling yeah. So for me, content.
Speaker 2:Just talking down and treating it like a child was a big way. Again, not my intent, but that's how she heard it, and so it will often just be like just shutting her opinions, her research, her thoughts, her likes, just shutting them down, not giving them much thought at all.
Speaker 1:Yeah, how does this affect the marriage?
Speaker 2:Well, I think for us it just made Tammy feel like she wasn't valid.
Speaker 2:Like her thoughts, who she was, the way she processed, the way she saw the world, even like that mountain, that her perspective just didn't matter. And so, instead of bringing us closer together, where we had acceptance and I could see her perspective not that I always had to agree, but at least see from her point of view what she was experiencing that would have been ideal, but we didn't do that. So we just try to basically one up each other all the time, and mainly from our side. But that created a divide. And so the way the best way I can explain it is eventually Tammy was just agreeing to everything just to avoid the temper tantrums or the pouting. Me, acting like a five year old, just pushed her away and she just became a shallower person where she didn't share her opinions. And then, because I saw the divide, I was like but I wanna hear your opinion, but she's like would you always shut me down? I was like but that's not my intention, but that's what she felt, and so it just created divide. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And isn't that that's such a common answer for the person who is controlling? They're always like it's not my intention. I'm trying to make you better. I'm trying to help you.
Speaker 2:I thought you would wanna know.
Speaker 1:I thought you wouldn't wanna know, right, cause it's again like it goes back to the controller kind of has this picture in their head of if their spouse would just do all these things, their spouse would be better. But the way it's coming across to their spouse is so you're saying I have to do those things for you to love and accept me. Yeah, and it's not gonna work. I mean, right, that's cause one of the things we teach is the intention isn't what matters as much as the other person's perception, and clients don't always love hearing that, do they no?
Speaker 2:It's a very difficult pill to swallow and when you have to self-reflect and look at your behavior. I think a lot of clients come to us and they initially it's like oh my goodness, I've done all of this, I can't recover from it. Oh, I've done so much bad that how do I even recover? And the way I like to see it, I often say to clients it's not about seeing it as failure cause that'll keep us stuck, but rather it's feedback received which then gives me a path forward. Like, yeah, I used to do those things.
Speaker 2:It's not good, I can take ownership of it, I can take responsibility, but now I can do something different. I have an opportunity to do and not be the same, create a new path. So if I know I was controlling and if I knew I was doing these things, for me it was like a light bulb Azag, oh my goodness, I didn't even know I was doing this. The words that came out of my mouth often was what's wrong with you, even with the kids, when they did something wrong and I realized I was trying to fit them into my perfect idea of a mold, but all I was doing is breaking them down. And when I realized that those words are breaking them down and not making them feel like they have value or worth or anything.
Speaker 2:it was an opportunity. I was like, oh my goodness, I need to change that. And so, once that idea to agree that I could be different, I could make progress, I could move forward instead of being stuck in the past and the old ways.
Speaker 1:Yeah, how can a person identify whether or not they are controlling?
Speaker 2:Well, we have some tools, but I think those that would be a good starting place Within our toolkits. We have the, especially in the Save my Marriage. We have that assessment that you can do and we often say take that in the sense of like, have you ever done any of these things? And if you score quite high on any of those, the likelihood is that you are controlling or that your spouse has perceived you as controlling. But sometimes, if the opportunity is there is, have a conversation and say do you feel controlled?
Speaker 2:And then I think the ownership is to not get defensive and like, oh, yeah, but you, because then you're just going to go in those same patterns. But if you genuinely want to learn that's what helped me is like I recognized hey, potentially some of the stuff I'm doing is controlling. And I actually just went straight to Tammy and said when I do these things, or is there at any point that you feel like you're controlled, like you don't have your own autonomy and your own freedom and your own thoughts? And then she was able to say, yeah, that's how I've been feeling for the best part of four or five years. And that's when the light switch went on.
Speaker 2:I was like, oh, my goodness, I didn't even know this is what I was doing. But then it shed, shed lights on that for me, and then I could do the research and I could go oh, these are the things that I was doing. And then we did the workshop, which opened our eyes to a whole other spectrum of what control could be like, and I was just checking all boxes. I was like, okay, I really need to make drastic change. So that's a couple of options.
Speaker 1:So that's always a good start, right, and I'm not sure if I'm identifying, have I been controlling? But one of the other things that research kind of indicates and I hesitate to say this because I know some of our listeners are going to grab onto this and then they're going to want to have a lot more information about what I'm about to say it seems in market research, like the research that we've done in our own marketing team women are done with marriage. It's typically because they've had a controlling husband and by the time they get to where they're done, it's like women tend to be more long suffering, they tend to put up with way more for longer and they keep trying to tell their husbands please stop. Like this is happening, you're doing this, but the husbands don't hear it or don't see it, and so then when they finally get to the point where they're like I'm done, they tend to be quote unquote done. Now I have to caveat that and say that doesn't mean the marriage is over, Because typically people will be like does that mean no, it doesn't. It just means like they really have a hard time believing their controlling husband will change Meanwhile.
Speaker 1:Then there's the husband who and this is the part from our market research, like he gets to the point where he's like she wants out and I have no idea why, his no idea, why is typically he's been controlling? And so then when we start working with them and we're like, has she ever said anything? And it's like, well, you know a couple of times here that you start peeling back the onion layers and it's like she'd been telling you for a long time, through her actions or through her behaviors, that she wasn't happy. You just didn't listen. Now, this is a gross overstatement. It doesn't apply to every situation and it doesn't mean that there is no hope. I just want to put all those caveats out there. But have you seen similar?
Speaker 2:Yeah, short answer yes. I was just going to say everything you said. I mean I don't like you said. I don't think we've done actual research and we were interesting one day, but definitely not an experience.
Speaker 1:That's the case.
Speaker 2:I've a recent client very similar story. She actually said to me I just can't anymore. This has been 10 years. She's now at the reluctant spot. She actually wants out. I managed to get a session with her and she's just like. I see some of the changes now no longer as controlling, but I have this lingering fear in my mind that he's just going to go back to that same thing.
Speaker 2:I'm just doing this now to win me back, but the fear is there. That man it's been so long and I've tried so many times she actually used those same words. I've told him, but he just didn't hear and her words were why does it have to get us to crisis to first, or get us to the point of crisis to now only realize that it's a problem? So that's the fear that goes in their mind. So, yeah, again, like you said, it's not doesn't mean it's the end right.
Speaker 2:But for us it was like it was a huge realization, and so, if you're the one controlling, for me it was a case of I needed to prove that I genuine, genuinely, was changed, that I wanted to be different, but my desire was there. I really wanted to save my marriage. Right, I can guarantee you, tammy didn't believe me.
Speaker 2:I don't think she believed the changes at all because it was five, six years of the same, but with consistency and patience and vulnerability and being credible. I Think it brought her around to say, okay, I can trust this now.
Speaker 2:I can take the risk, and it changed. Then there was almost another switch. It was like now we're on the right path, right. So, like you said, it's not the end. I know it's hard for the person that's been controlled to go. I wonder is there hope, is there light? But we've seen it, seeing people change Drastically, and we see that all the time absolutely, and that is the key.
Speaker 1:It's the consistency of the person who's had the controlling behaviors, the consistency of Changing. Like you have to release and get to get to that point where you're not Making the other person feel like they have to work for your approval or love or any of those things, and it takes Intention and effort and time, and that's the other thing, especially with control. It's one of those like long simmering, like it's a long time coming and it doesn't change overnight, like it takes a long time to kind of Convince isn't the right word, but build the trust back with your spouse that the changes are true, especially the longer, the longer they've been happening.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, unlike. I've spent all our money on a Gadget that I bought instead of putting food on the table. Okay, we can deal with that pretty quickly. Trust can be rebuilt fairly quickly, even most I mean an affair. It's a big deal, but often it's quick and it's over and we can deal with that fairly quickly. I mean, that's just a blanket statement, but Control over 15 years. Yeah 20 years. Sometimes I mean yeah, I've had clients in a workshop.
Speaker 1:Hey.
Speaker 2:I've been controlled for 30 years, right, I think those wounds take a lot longer to heal, but they can heal. For sure it's, but the person that's controlled needs to show that they're credible and reliable and vulnerable and willing to change. And yeah, that's hard To take responsibility, but it without that you're gonna be stuck in the same place.
Speaker 1:Yeah, 100%. And all this isn't to say that there's not the wives that can be controlling, for sure. Women have their same fair share of the blame, and the same and all the same things apply, right, it's. It's just that it tends to be that the husband doesn't necessarily put up with the control from a wife, as long as a wife may put up with the control from her husband when we're looking at like decades, right, the husband tends to, for several reasons, be quicker to notice, quicker to say something about it, which can lead to its own like separate crisis point of fighting all the time. You know, it's not something that's just simmering under the surface, though it's usually, in my opinion, as professional as anyone might want to take it for it comes to the surface more if it's the wife who's the controlling one, and, of course, control can be like a, can be a core issue that leads to some of these other symptoms that happen in marriage as well. So it's definitely, it's definitely a cause for concern and wanting to fix it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think. Just a quick example on that. I had a client the guy is my client. The woman wants out, but for years she would just break him down and criticize him to get him to do what she wanted him to do. So if he shared an idea or anything, she would just break him down and criticize him to the point where he was just like he started giving up. He just became a. He initially would call it out and say you know, I don't like that, I don't like you talking to me like that.
Speaker 2:I don't want to be treated this way, but eventually he just began stonewalling. He was just like shut down. He's like I'm not even going to, I'm not interested in anything you're going to say or do or criticize me. I'm just tired of that right now. So it does typically explode quicker when the lady is controlling versus the husband.
Speaker 1:I think it tends to come out more in the strong willed, driven, demanding women such as myself.
Speaker 1:And I remember in high school I would tend to date guys who, like we know in our workshops, like I'm a D, I would tend to date S's before our audience they they may hear like I tended to date guys that were just more easy going and, you know, chill and and my dad always joked and he would say I knew when the relationship was over by the time the boyfriend started carrying your purse, because that is the like I would just end up controlling them and it's like do this and do and they would, and they would just do it, which is not good, because then I lost respect for them but they also lost respect for themselves. So it's, you know, thankfully I changed and didn't marry any of those and there's people that I had that I had been controlling towards. But it definitely was something my husband and I, with both of our, we both have strong willed personalities and the first several years of our marriage it was a lot of. You need to be like, you need to act different.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you need to change.
Speaker 1:You need to change. And we both had that laundry list about each other and both of us, because we weren't going to take it lying down. Both of us were like, oh, I'll just do, I'll just do worse, Like I'm just going to show you exactly what it could be. Thankfully, we saved our marriage.
Speaker 2:Likewise Better right.
Speaker 1:We're all better people now because of it. Yeah, rold, what hope would you give to the listener or viewer who thinks that there's no hope right now?
Speaker 2:I think it's twofold, I think, for the person that feels like how I've been controlled for so long and there's no way that my spouse could change. We can't guarantee that your spouse will change, but we've seen it, and so that gives me the hope that, and the way I see it is that there's always the potential for change and growth. If we just look at the negative and we focus on everything they've done wrong and everything that could go wrong, it gives us in that mindset of there's no hope.
Speaker 2:There's no way they're going to change. But if I see that there is potential for people to grow and change, it changes my mindset towards my spouse. I might start looking for more of the positives, the things that they are doing well. Are they more credible, Are they more reliable, Are they genuinely changing? And that gives me hope because then I can see and start looking for the small things. And we say don't ever discredit just the small changes. But if they're doing those reliably, over time they stack up. So if you're struggling to see hope, I would suggest maybe shifting your mindset and actually looking for the positives. That's hard, Negative is easier to find. But if we look for the subtle things and look for the consistency, look for the reliability, it changes our perspective of our spouse. And so I know that doesn't guarantee they're going to change, but from our experience we've seen so many people change. I'm living proof, you're living proof.
Speaker 2:Controlling behavior can be changed. So that would be my hope for the standing spouse is change your perspective. Hold on to hope for as long as you can, but look for the positives that might help For the person that's been controlling that they're. The controlling person is commit and, like you, I think you used the word be intentional. If you recognize these things, commit to a plan, work with our coaches, get help so that you can learn how to accept your spouse, to not control, deal with some of your own insecurities, whatever that is, come to our workshop and all of those things. It's not, again, not failure we've done these things but it's an opportunity to move forward and you can do it. So many people have, and who knows what your marriage could be like? Not just your marriage, but your parenting and all the things.
Speaker 1:all the things filter from that. Absolutely you, I mean you're in a unique position being a workshop facilitator and a coach, where not only do you get to facilitate the three days and see people change a lot, but then continue with some of those clients into the work that they do afterwards. What are some of the changes you've seen in people in the workshop, as well as the coaching sessions that they go into after?
Speaker 2:I think I'll use a recent couple where there wasn't a fair involved, but that was kind of the symptom of control over the.
Speaker 2:I think 15 years or 16 years of their marriage. But once he recognized firstly through the Save my Marriage course and then on the workshop when we dive deeper into control he was like, and I never knew that those little things that I was doing brought so much pain to my spouse because it wasn't my intention. But when I started realizing what she felt, it changed my perspective and so he just made drastic changes, like started listening more instead of talking. You know, and there's an old saying like you've got two years for a reason, and so he used that analogy is like I never realized, but I would just talk all the time instead of really listening and understanding my spouse.
Speaker 2:When he shifted and started listening more instead of talking more, she was like this is different, I actually can share my feelings, I can be vulnerable, so there's always this ripple effect. And so he just kept changing, kept changing, and then she, she was like man, I actually see my husband for the first time, not just someone that's controlling me or trying to dominate me. We're actually a team, we're actually a partnership. I do feel heard, I feel seen. So that's probably like it's a very drastic turn in a very short space of time, but we see that quite often and they went into it, probably one of them wanting out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. I mean she ended up having the affair and she was like, well, I'm just done because she had been controlled because she had been controlled. This other guy showed her acceptance and freedom and she was like, oh, that's a great idea. And soon as her husband started changing and being consistent right before the workshop he had started doing these things, but the workshop kind of elevated his drive to not be controlling. It's like I want to be, as I don't even want that to feature in my life.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And that brought so much change and that, just like man this is, we don't even know what to do anymore because it's so different. But we're excited to see what the future is going to hold.
Speaker 1:Feels like a new marriage.
Speaker 2:Completely.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you know it's not that the affair is ever justified, but from the seats that you and I sit in and many people on our team, we don't look at the affair as a tool of judgment or anything that is hopeless or should end the marriage or, you know, should end the marriage is probably the right way to say it, because everything is recoverable. Yeah, earlier, you said something about you know why does it take? Or maybe it was a client you were talking about that was the person is like why does it take something like this before the change happens? And you know it made me think of, like just in the medical community, it's not, it's typically not till people like have a heart attack or something scary happens and the doctors like you have to change your diet, you have to change your, your behaviors, what you're doing, like for you to have to live and to have a long and healthy life. And no one wants to get to that point.
Speaker 1:But also not a lot of people want to do all the work on the front end to avoid, to avoid having the heart attack. But if they did, you know they wouldn't have to go through that pain, and that's pretty much what we see too right Like we catch the people in the crisis because that's where they are and we want to help them there. But how much more amazing would it be if there were people focusing and being intentional about this early in their marriage, when the behaviors first start, instead of just letting them flare.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's the ideal. If we can, if we have a heart of. We want this to be the best marriage. I want to be the best person I can be. Then I can start taking preemptive measures I can like okay, I don't want to be controlling, so I can work on it now. It's like why we do vehicle maintenance often is to avoid the car packing up while you're on the highway Right but sometimes people like oh, it's okay, I've got time, I'll sort this out later.
Speaker 2:I'll do this whenever I can. And then they break down on the highway and they're like, oh, why did this happen?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But it's sometimes we just don't know what we don't know, and so for me, I was oblivious. I thought this was how it was. Maybe this is a whole nother can of worms, but I learned this stuff from my dad. I modeled what he did and what he lived and how he lived. That's a whole nother story. But the thing is, I think if we can preempt it and work on ourselves, we can avoid a lot of this stuff.
Speaker 2:But sometimes crisis has to happen or these breakdowns have to happen to give us that kind of wake up jolt. Yeah, and I think a lot of clients get stuck there. Why does it have to happen? But sometimes that's an opportunity. I think it's a mindset shift. If we just see it as oh no, this is crisis, this is so terrible, or it's an opportunity to grow, opportunity to be different, then we can move forward, we can learn and change and do all the right stuff for our marriage and for our kids.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's right, although you may have just come up with a new word of mind shit, all the things we should get out of our head that are impeding us from having hope. I love that role. Thank you so much. Thanks for joining me and having this conversation today. That was awesome.
Speaker 2:Good to be here?
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely. And for anyone watching or listening and you want to book a free call with someone on our team, one of our intake strategists, to get moving, to see how your situation can be recoverable, we would love to speak with you. You can go to maritalpercom that's B-O-O-K-N-O-W and sign up for a 30 minute slot to speak with one of our intake specialists Until next week. Remember, there is always hope.