How To EFFECTIVELY Resolve Conflict In Your Marriage

Are you struggling with conflict resolution in marriage? Do arguments feel draining instead of productive? Conflict is a natural part of relationships, but learning to fight constructively is essential for a healthy, lasting marriage. In this video, Dr. Joe Beam and Kimberly Beam Holmes discuss:

Why avoiding conflict can be problematic
Different conflict styles and how they impact resolution
Tips for handling conflict with empathy and respect
Importance of seeking resources (workshops, etc.) if needed for effective ways to resolve conflict in marriage.

If you're ready to create a stronger, more loving marriage, visit us at https://marriagehelper.com/booknow to learn about our workshops focused on marriage help and how we can assist you. Remember, there's always hope for a happier, healthier relationship.

Relationship Radio is hosted by CEO of Marriage Helper, Kimberly Beam Holmes, and founder of Marriage Helper, Dr. Joe Beam.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:30

I had a couple of ones offered to pay me if I would come by their house once a month and get them into an argument. Really, you see, they had been one of our workshops where we talked about the fact that couples who never fight, who never argue, actually have a much higher likelihood of divorcing. And the reason is because of the fact that things just build up, and build up, and build up, and when they finally do explode, it is glorious to the whole. And so they walked up to me at the break and said boy, that's us. You know we don't deal with conflict, we let it build up, build up. So what would you charge us? Of course they were joking about not coming by, but the point is valid.

Speaker 1: 1:07

If you don't argue, if you never fight, your position together is probably in jeopardy, because you don't know how much resentment is building up in either one of you. So how does a couple resolve conflict? I mean they should fight, but what should they do when they fight? Hi, I'm Dr Joe Beam, with Mary and Chopper, along with Kimberly Beam Holmes, our CEO and soon to be doctor. If you can just finish up that dissertation right.

Speaker 2: 1:36

I am as my dissertation chair says I am, the hardest part is behind me, but my question is does that mean we're 51%, or are we 75%?

Speaker 1: 1:47

Well, I'll be glad when you get it, because I know it takes a lot of effort been there. So, kimberly, why is it that some couples avoid fighting and some couples fight terribly when they do fight?

Speaker 2: 1:57

Two different questions yeah, well, part of it has to do with the personality temperaments of each person in the marriage. There are personality temperaments that are more conflict avoidant. They want to keep the peace. They will do everything to try and keep the peace. And then there's the personality temperament temperaments that are more conflict seeking, meaning that they're more willing to address conflict when it happens. That is me. I don't do well with conflict that's unresolved. I would rather face, face it, charge into it and get it handled. But that can really terrify someone who's conflict avoidant.

Speaker 1: 2:35

Yeah, and they also tend to deal with it differently once it's passed. Because, the ones that are conflict avoidant will worry about it and think about it after it's all over. What did the other person say this? What did they mean by that? Did I say the wrong thing here? Whereas the one that says let's just get it over with once it's done, it's done.

Speaker 1: 2:52

They're gone, it's like okay, that's done, let's move to the next thing. So not only are they more avoidant about starting the conflict, it takes them longer to get past the conflict, but let's go have a couple, and most couples marry somebody of a dissimilar temperament, which means that the people who go right at it tend not to marry each other. Now they may, but more than likely you're going to have one of them who is the laid back, avoidant, and the other who is aggressive let's deal with it. So how in the world are they going to deal with the conflict in a way that's going to be healthy?

Speaker 2: 3:25

Well, they need to make a plan for how to have conflict before conflict happens, because, as you said in the intro, conflict is natural, it's a part of marriage and the marriages that don't have conflict they really suffer more, or the marriages that have a ton of conflict but don't positively reconnect afterwards. So the best time to talk about how to handle conflict is when you're not in the middle of fighting, right?

Speaker 1: 3:50

Make some rules.

Speaker 2: 3:51

Make some rules. What kind of rules? Rules such as, when we disagree about something, what are the terms of how we engage about it? So, making some, some universal rules, such as let's try not to be defensive, let's try not to be critical when we talk about those things, kind of taking some of the work that other researchers have done and they called the four horsemen and say, okay, these are the things we don't want to do when we fight, because they just make everything worse. So if we're not going to do those things, then how can we approach each other in a way we both feel heard, understanding that typically the person who's more conflict seeking is a faster processor as well?

Speaker 2: 4:32

So again, this is me. When I go into a conversation, I know what I want to say, I've already thought about how I'm going to respond to everything and even when a feedback comes, I have a quick retort. I have a quick way to respond to it. That doesn't mean it's right. That means that's the way I handle it, whereas the person who's more conflict avoidant they are going to typically need more time to process the thing that they're disagreeing about and really think about what their beliefs are and what they want to happen, and so if you can understand that you're each going to view it or you're each going to approach it differently in how you process it, then you can make some rules of engagement, such as I as the conflict seeker.

Speaker 2: 5:16

I realize you need time to process, so I'm going to approach an issue, give you how I feel about it and then say take some time and then let's revisit this later or let's revisit this tomorrow. So kind of thinking of how it can work best for both of you. Now that also means that the conflict avoidant person needs to also agree to talk about the issues when they come. Otherwise it's just going to fester and the other person can't read their mind.

Speaker 1: 5:45

Okay, I think I would put even one rule before that. Let's hear it. Don't fight in public.

Speaker 2: 5:50

That's a good one If there's anybody around, including your children don't fight in front of them.

Speaker 1: 5:55

There's no value there. Make a pact right off the bat that if we're going to disagree with each other, it's not going to be in front of other people, because that way who knows what kind of embarrassment, humiliation we create or ourselves or for the other person. So don't fight in conflict. And then you're saying the next thing is okay, we're going to draw up kind of a way we're going to do this. This is the outline. Whoever has the problem presents the problem. And then you're suggesting that they, with some couples at least, say okay, then the other person gets X number of time to think about it before they respond. But what if it's something that needs to be resolved? Right?

Speaker 2: 6:29

now. Well then, it needs to be resolved right now.

Speaker 1: 6:32

So how do you do that when one is very fast-paced and the other is the processor?

Speaker 2: 6:36

I mean, I don't know that I have the best answer in terms of tactics in every situation, but the core need that needs to be fulfilled for both people is that both people feel respected with the way that the conflict is handled. So if there is a situation in which it needs to be, a quick decision needs to be made, and then it is key that the person who's more likely to take charge, which is typically the person who seeks conflict If they're more willing to make a quick decision, act on it, they should at least try and make sure it's okay with the person who's a slower processor Not dominate, not run over them take their considerations into.

Speaker 1: 7:20

Well, take their feelings, I should say, into consideration, even if you have to do something rapidly. Right, try your best to read the other person, to make sure that you're not running over him or her.

Speaker 2: 7:30

Yeah, and that can be hard in the moment, in the moment it really can.

Speaker 1: 7:35

But most things don't have to be resolved that quick. Most times you have some time to think it through. Most of the decisions you make like are we going to buy that or not buy that, doesn't have to be made while you're standing in front of it in the store, right? So most decisions if there's a conflict like I want this, no, I want that, no, please don't do that can be made with time. And even if you don't give a lot of time for the other person to process, you should at least give enough time. So the point that, okay, each one of us gets to say what it is he or she thinks or feels and the other person cannot interrupt Now, it does not give the right to have a soliloquy that lasts a half hour.

Speaker 1: 8:15

But make it as succinct as you can, but at your point, tell what you think, what you feel, and most people are not happy if you just know what they want. Most people want you to know why they want it and why they feel that way. When they used to work with a big jewelry chain here at America as a consultant, they told me if a customer comes in unhappy and if they would just give the person a brand new ring, diamond ring, whatever it was they hear she was unhappy about if they didn't take time to listen to them, they still left mad. I want you to hear, and that's part of the way to do conflict here as well. Stay as calm as you can, but understand that each person needs to be heard and the one who is the faster processor is the one who's going to get impatient, the fastest, like okay, you already said that, because the one who's the slower processor will repeat some of those things because that's the way they process it. So how do you deal with that?

Speaker 2: 9:09

Well, you have a lot of grace in the conversation. I mean a lot of it is the awareness of how the other person is wired.

Speaker 1: 9:17

There you go.

Speaker 2: 9:18

And just realizing if that's what I can expect, then okay, that's what I expect to happen and that's how it is. I mean and we are talking about people who are married to opposites there's the other two which maybe we'll get into as well but when we bring the awareness into the situation, we can really handle a lot more of the frustration, because at least we understand it's not that our spouse is defective, it's that they are just different than us.

Speaker 1: 9:46

And so if you really want to use conflict to the best advantage, understand that not every issue is going to be resolved, Having some of the research out there that up to 60% of things that couples disagree about they'll never resolve. But it's okay. What we're talking about is this as Dr Gottman would say, the goal is no longer to win, the goal is to understand. And so, if I understand where you're coming from, what you think, what you feel, how it's affecting you and you do the same about me, we may not reach a conclusion where we both feel everything's all worked out, but we can still function, we can still get along because of the fact that we each still feel valued.

Speaker 2: 10:26

Right, and that's the goal. That's the goal. Now, before we move on to the other two, I do want to go back to something you said, because I agree and I don't agree.

Speaker 1: 10:36

Okay, here we go.

Speaker 2: 10:40

You said don't fight in public, which I think is true, but then you also said and don't fight in front of your kids. I do agree that it's not healthy for kids to only see their parents fight, especially if the fighting is very high conflict. I don't know that. I agree that kids shouldn't see their parents fight ever, because that's part of what kids need to see, especially with the resolution. So when children can see their parents fight and resolve it or at least come back together positively emotionally, then it actually shows them that fighting is normal, like you're not always going to agree on everything, so it can actually help them better set their expectations of what their marriage should and could be like in the future.

Speaker 1: 11:30

Okay, I'm looking at a word fight a little differently than you are. Should kids see their parents disagree Absolutely? Should they say parents work things out Absolutely. But if it gets to the point where the tempers begin to rise, the voices begin to rise. I'm saying don't do that in front of your children.

Speaker 2: 11:47

That makes sense. I would agree with that and I've talked about this a lot. But we know that when parents divorce, the worst thing that a child can experience is that the parents divorce and continue to be in high conflict yes. Alright. It's important that the high conflict, the yelling, the screaming, the tempers, the name calling, the bringing the kids into the disagreement to try and make them pick sides all of that is extremely unhealthy. Married or divorced.

Speaker 1: 12:20

Exactly, the kids should never be pawns in a disagreement or a fight, never ever. Right Now. If they're old enough, you can ask their opinions, if they're old enough and if they're actually going to be heard, because then they can help people come to an understanding. But no, they should never be pawns. And this thing called parental alienation in my opinion is just evil.

Speaker 1: 12:42

It's where one parent so devalues the other in front of the children that the children actually change their view of that parent, like he is no longer any good, she's no longer any good and that, as far as I'm concerned, that's always evil. Now somebody might be saying but what if my spouse is terrible and evil, then keep the kids away from them. But why in the world would you want to go ahead and turn the children against them? I don't see any value in teaching your children how to hate Period.

Speaker 2: 13:12

Yeah, I met a woman a couple of weeks ago and her divorce had recently been finalized, but she was filled with hate towards her husband and her kids, though still wanted to have a relationship with them, and her kids were teenagers, adolescents and teenagers.

Speaker 2: 13:31

And I mean to the point where she said anytime they would come home and he had taken them somewhere and gotten them something, she would just throw it away and talk very poorly about him in front of them, and she said at point blank I hate him and I don't want my kids to like him, and the thought of my kids even being around him makes me angry because I don't want them to love him. Now, you know, there's an interesting like part in it where there had been some legal trouble the husband had gotten into, but the court system had deemed him safe anyway, like, so I think that's like a part of it that is difficult to bring into this conversation, but that is what a lot of people probably feel. I'm angry at my husband, I don't like what he did. I hate him. I don't want my kids to like him.

Speaker 1: 14:20

I understand that. But, as you were just saying, if that parent is safe, then you really don't have the right to destroy your children's love in relationship with their other parent. Exactly Now you might think you do because of the fact that you're so mad. Now. If they're unsafe, yeah, keep them away. But even then, where's the value of devaluing that person to the children? Because kids want to know that there are people that love them, even flawed people, even incarcerated people, even people who serve with addiction. They need to know that there is some good in that person, that the person does genuinely care about them if they do. But the point is Don't use your children as pawns in the argument unless they actually are part of it and old enough that where they can give good input and be heard.

Speaker 2: 15:06

And you give an example of that.

Speaker 1: 15:07

Let's say that you're trying to decide where you're going to go vacation and you've got us 18 year old and a 16 year old, and dad wants to go to the mountains to trout fish and mom wants to go to the beach and line the sun, and so they get into a disagreement about that. We don't have enough money to do both. We're going to do one and the kids are going to be with us. In a situation like that, yeah, okay, kids, what do you think? Where do you want to go? We're not asking you to take sides. Yeah, we're asking your honest opinion. They may say no, we want to go to spring break in Fort Lauderdale. They may say something totally different, but at least now everybody's being heard. Who has, as we would say, a dog in the hunt, somebody who has some involvement in this. If the kids are not involved, don't involve them, but if they are, I think listening to them, hearing their side, hearing their view, is important, because it's all about emotional connection. Isn't that what Gottman says?

Speaker 2: 15:59

That's right. Yeah, that's it, Even at the end of it. When you don't agree 60% of the time you're never going to. So how do you emotionally connect in a positive way afterwards? That's what makes all the difference in the world.

Speaker 1: 16:12

Because there are no two people on planet earth that totally agree about everything, unless maybe it's identical twins. But I doubt even they they probably disagree about it.

Speaker 2: 16:19

They disagree about everything. They want to be way different than each other.

Speaker 1: 16:22

They may. I don't have a twin so I don't know, but they may. But I know that you and I have disagreed about many things in your lifetime. My wife Alice and I have disagreed about many things. You can still be very good friends and all their daughter, husband and wife, have good relationships even when you don't see things alike, as long as everybody feels respected, heard and understood.

Speaker 2: 16:46

So what if you are in the kind of relationship where both of you are conflict avoiders?

Speaker 1: 16:52

Well, I think you need to learn some things. I mean, couldn't we help them with that?

Speaker 2: 16:57

Well, yeah, absolutely. That's how Well our workshops are. A huge way that people, they just they leave our workshops with so many aha moments where they say I finally feel like I understand my spouse and have the playbook of how to interact with them and how to have a healthier marriage and a better marriage than ever before going forward.

Speaker 1: 17:19

I mean, those are the kind of amazing results, and it's not just by teaching the temperaments like the fast pace and slow pace. We help people again to understand how to learn from their past not just their past together, but their past before they were met each other about. How does that affect the way you're approaching this now? And so the insight they get into themselves is in a number of different ways.

Speaker 2: 17:40

That's right, yeah. And even when they have, even for our listeners who may be listening in the situation where their spouse is unwilling to do a couple's workshop with them, then we have our solo spouse workshops, which are very unique to us at Marriage Helper. No one does the work that we do with the person wanting to save the marriage like we do with the success that we do, and so our solo spouse workshops are just taking on a life of their own. People are loving them and having so much transformation coming out of them.

Speaker 1: 18:09

Yeah, just before we recorded this, I did one in person with 18 husbands who wanted to save their marriages, whose wives wanted out. It was one of the most fascinating experiences of my life. These guys craving to save their marriages, wanting to learn how to do the right things, knowing when to stand up, when to have the conflict, when not to have the conflict, etc.

Speaker 2: 18:32

And my heart went out to every one of these guys, not one of them was perfect Not one, but it was an awesome three days for those men.

Speaker 2: 18:43

I think I heard one of our team members say. There was one gentleman who attended and at the beginning he was saying things like my wife's a narcissist, she's never going to change using that kind of vernacular, and by the end of the workshop he had realized oh no, we're just different. She's not a narcissist, she's just one of these more fast processors tends to seek conflict instead of avoid it. Now I just need to know how to interact with her differently.

Speaker 1: 19:09

He told me that he had done a lot of research about narcissism. And you're a lot about it, oh boy. So I said that's the case. Which of the two major types of narcissism does your wife demonstrate? He said there are two. Apparently, your research has not been as thorough as you think. And we didn't beat him up, we didn't attack him, we just helped him learn.

Speaker 2: 19:28

Yeah, I love that. And he and all of them had amazing, amazing changes throughout in themselves. And that's the key thing Really for your marriage to be saved, the transformation needs to happen first within you.

Speaker 1: 19:41

Absolutely. We'd love to help, but if you keep a warning, things aren't going to fix themselves. As a matter of fact, they probably are just going to get worse. At the same time, there are two people who are very direct and assertive. What about those couples? Very quickly.

Speaker 2: 19:55

Yeah, Well, they, just they. Their problem is going to be learning how to slow down and listen to the other person and show respect.

Speaker 1: 20:03

And give value Exactly. Because if they are determined to win rather than to understand, it's always going to wind up in a bad situation.

Speaker 2: 20:11

That's right. A couple of weeks ago I sat down with Rold, one of our coaches, to have a conversation and he he basically said we were talking about control. And he basically said, when you're just trying to win, all of the time it's the marriage that loses.

Speaker 1: 20:26

That's exactly right, let's go. We do see that.

Speaker 2: 20:28

Yeah, absolutely. Well, if you are listening or watching this and would love to know more about our workshops, whether our couples path or our personal path, which you're going through as the the solo spouse, then we would love to help. You can book a call by going to marriage helpercom. Slash book now and you'll speak with one of our intake specialists, who will ask you questions about your situation and see the best way that we can help you. And we would absolutely love to help you because our mission is to save marriages to last a lifetime, and we would love for yours to be one of them. Until next week, remember, there is always hope.