Is Jealousy Harming Your Marriage Foundation?

Is your marriage foundation crumbling under the weight of jealousy and insecurity? These destructive emotions can lead to heartbreak and resentment.  But there's hope! In today's episode, Kimberly Beam Holmes and Dr. Joe Beam tackle jealousy in marriage head-on. They'll help you understand the root of fear of abandonment and how it fuels jealous outbursts and controlling behaviors.

You'll discover:

- The Source of Jealousy: Uncover the hidden fears that sabotage your relationship, and how to address them with compassion.
- The Power of Self-Love: Learn to find peace, self-worth, and break free from the cycle of insecurity – even if you've struggled in the past.
- Guidance for Both Partners: Whether you're the jealous spouse desperately seeking reassurance or you're on the receiving end of mistrust, these strategies are your roadmap to healing.
- Marriage Transformation: Break the chains of jealousy harming your marriage foundation, replace them with trust, respect, and a deep, unwavering love.

If you long to save your marriage and build a stronger foundation, free from the cycle of marriage problems, this episode is your lifeline. Get ready to discover proven strategies for solving marriage problems and reigniting the spark of connection.


Relationship Radio is hosted by CEO of Marriage Helper, Kimberly Beam Holmes, and founder of Marriage Helper, Dr. Joe Beam.

Regardless of your situation, what we teach will not only make your relationships better, but will also help you to become the best version of yourself along the way.

Relationship Radio is released every Wednesday and is an extension of Marriage Helper.

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast and leave a review. We love hearing from you!

For more resources about your specific situation, visit marriagehelper.com.

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Visit www.itstartswithattraction.com to check it out!

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:30

Jealousy and insecurity can wreak havoc in relationships. In today's episode, we're going to talk about how that happens, but also what you can do if you or your spouse tends to be jealous or insecure. My name is Kimberly Beam Holmes and I'm joined today, as always, with Dr Joe Beam.

Speaker 2: 0:51

Always good to be here.

Speaker 1: 0:52

Always good. We see this a lot with the couples that we work with at Marriage Helper and that come to our workshops that one or sometimes both spouses really deal with jealousy and insecurity. That has led to a lot more issues in the marriage.

Speaker 2: 1:07

Yeah, because both of those jealousy and insecurity are based on fear. Either I'm afraid that you're going to leave me for someone else, or for something else like a lifestyle you want to go live, or they're just going to leave me, period, even if I don't know what's out there. And when you have that kind of fear and the person is important to you, you don't want to lose a relationship, then that fear can lead you to make all kinds of bad decisions and all kinds of bad actions that you think are actually going to help, but instead they make things worse.

Speaker 1: 1:40

Where does the fear initially come from? Why do people bring this into relationships? Or does it start by something that's happened in the relationship that leads to fear?

Speaker 2: 1:48

Yes and yes, both, and Absolutely. It can start from childhood. For example, we know that if you have a parent that, or whoever's the closest to you taking care of you, could be a guardian. But let's say the parent is taking care of you when you're a kid, as you're growing up, and that whenever you feel emotionally needy in other words, I need you to pay attention to me like I'm distressed, I'm upset, that kind of thing. If that parent primarily does those kids actually develop in one direction, if it's if-ish, maybe the parent will, maybe the parent won't that kid actually develops in a different direction. If they pretty well are convinced it's not going to happen, those kids develop actually in a third direction.

Speaker 2: 2:31

Now, typically, if it's coming out of childhood, it's that group in the middle, because the ones that didn't get the attention they need tend to not count on it. It's like I don't ever expect it to be there and therefore I don't care what you do. The ones that get it most of the time typically don't have problems and difficulties with it, at least from childhood. It's the ones who have been in a relationship with their parents or wherever the primary caregivers were that was off and on. Maybe you'll be there for me. Maybe you won't.

Speaker 1: 3:02

And that's what leads them to be insecure and jealous. I can understand the insecurity part Well. Actually I think I can understand them both, but for the listeners. So why does the fear lead to insecurity? Why does it lead to jealousy instead of the fear leading to just clinginess? Or I guess that may be how it manifests.

Speaker 2: 3:27

Yeah, it does manifest itself often in one who tries to be controlling, or one who clings and coerces, who clings and who curses, and the insecurity basically says I'm afraid the reason that you may leave me, or that you're saying you're going to leave me, or you're demonstrating you're going to leave me, is because of my faults, that maybe I'm not lovely, maybe I'm not lovable, maybe it's all about me and that's what makes it insecure. The insecurity is I feel like I should be able to do something about this, but I think I'm the very cause of this. And so they get into this oxymoron, thinking of it's all your fault. If you loved me like you should, it would be okay. At the same time thinking but it's my fault because I'm not what you want me to be.

Speaker 1: 4:09

Yeah, got it. And then they become jealous when they feel like the person is giving that attention to someone else or something else.

Speaker 2: 4:17

Something else, someone else. It could be a lifestyle they pursue, it could be a dream they're trying to complete, it could be any number of things. But yeah, the jealousy is why are you giving to that or that person what should be given to me? And so jealousy also involves a lot of anger, like I can't believe that you're mistreating me the way you are. And the jealousy may be directed toward, say, in a marriage, toward the spouse, or it may be directed toward whatever that other thing is or whoever that other person is.

Speaker 2: 4:51

We have a couple that works with us, for example, out of South Africa, and she thought one way that she would get him straightened out. Years ago she took all of his—he was in a band, a rock star, basically, where he lives and she took all of his equipment and threw it in the swimming pool, Every bit of it, like okay, now we'll stop this mess. Because she was seeing his performing and being pursued by women because he's a very handsome man, but his performing she saw as being the thing that she was jealous of. It's taking you away from me and from your daughters, so I'll just draw the stuff in the pool where it can't be used anymore and that'll be the end of that.

Speaker 1: 5:26

And was it the end of that?

Speaker 2: 5:31

No, of course, it just made him angrier and pushed him further away from her.

Speaker 1: 5:35

Yeah, and that's typically what ends up happening when people are insecure or jealous in their relationships. They do things either erratic behaviors or controlling behaviors that end up just pushing the other person further away.

Speaker 2: 5:51

Absolutely, when they don't want to do that. What they want is a person to come closer to them. Now, sometimes there's pretty clear evidence that jealousy actually is wanted in the marriage. He or she may feel tremendous jealousy toward the affair partner or toward the spouse and we look at that and go. We understand why, because reality is he or she really is taking away from you and giving to another person. So we understand the jealousy and we therefore understand the anger underlying the jealousy. But typically you end up making very poor decisions, right? So often you've heard us say it many times, you've done it many times. We tell people quit trying to save your marriage, right? What do you think that people hear when they hear us say that?

Speaker 1: 6:50

Initially they think marriage helper is telling me that I should give up. We're not saying give up. We're saying quit trying to control situations. Pull your spouse back, not in the good way, but like force them to come back and be basically the puppeteer of what's going on, and that's what happens when people take it upon themselves I will do whatever it takes to save my marriage Now.

Speaker 2: 7:11

On one hand, that's what happens when people take it upon themselves I will do whatever it takes to save my marriage Now. On one hand, that's a really good attitude if it leads people to understand what should be done and to apply that. On the other hand of I'm going to do whatever it takes, can lead people to make very poor decisions. That's how sometimes they'll throw their spouse under the bus, not physically speaking, but metaphorically speaking, by getting their spouse fired or turning those spouses' friends against them, or even trying to turn the spouse's family against them, thinking, okay, I'm just doing what it takes to save my marriage, but everything they're doing is unwise.

Speaker 1: 7:47

Right. So what should someone do? Let's say they're the person trying to save their marriage and they are struggling with jealousy and insecurity. What should that person do?

Speaker 2: 7:58

The first thing I would recommend is that you need to do some really good self-analysis Now. We're quite sure that you are not perfect, because we haven't met one yet. Okay, and obviously we aren't either. But to do a little self-examination to find out. Okay, I know I've done some things incorrectly, I've made mistakes, I've made errors, I've made poor decisions. If you have, take responsibility for those. Admit them. Don't try to dodge them or avoid them, because as long as you dodge or avoid truth about you, you're going to continue to be insecure because you're not dealing with reality. You're trying to make yourself better than you are Now.

Speaker 2: 8:36

It may sound like I'm saying put yourself down. Not at all. I'm saying that when you do this, then you can get to a situation where you can say, okay, I admit my flaws, I admit my errors, but I'm also going to look at my strengths, my talents, my abilities, and we would imagine, unless you are really a horrendous person, that the good things about you far outweigh the bad things about you. Now, hopefully you're not really a horrendous person, or probably you wouldn't be watching this. So the first thing to do is to find within you the ability to be happy with who you are not because you think you've reached the pinnacle. As a matter of fact, you can still strive to become better every day, but I can be content with who I am as I grow.

Speaker 2: 9:24

I don't have to be perfect to like me. I don't have to be perfect to be lovely or lovable, because as long as you think that you have to do something differently about you, in the sense that you have some flaw that has to be corrected, you're not going to be living with reality again, because you're not going to be looking at the big picture. And the big picture is. Sure you're flawed. Sure, you've made some errors and we'd suggest you not make them again. Sure, you've made some errors and we'd suggest you not make them again. But if you really are lovely and lovable, determine that about yourself so you can quit blaming you. Take responsibility for what you did, but quit blaming you as being the person that cannot be loved, that's impossible to love, because if you see yourself that way, you're going to act like a person who's impossible to love.

Speaker 2: 10:11

Because if you see yourself that way you're going to act like a person who's impossible to love. So we'd start, I would say, with an honest self-examination. That's not destructive but constructive.

Speaker 1: 10:24

So would you say that this is a great opportunity for people to focus on themselves and work on their pies.

Speaker 2: 10:27

As a matter of fact, you're the expert on pies. What do you think about that? I think yes always, which means that how can they love themselves even though they're flawed, and yet still work on themselves, but not work on themselves, thinking that whenever I accomplish X, I'm finally going to be lovely and lovable? They need to feel lovely and lovable now right.

Speaker 1: 10:46

Yeah, it's a mental hurdle, it's all about mindset. It's a mental hurdle, it's all about mindset. There's nothing that someone's really going to be able to do that's going to get them to a place where they're going to automatically feel lovely and lovable In terms of you can't eat the certain thing or take the magic pill. You have to make a decision in your mind over time because it's not going to happen overnight of I am good enough.

Speaker 1: 11:11

Having positive self-talk is really important, as cliche as it might sound to some people. There's a lot of research in the psychological world on positive self-talk and how it makes a difference in how our neuropathways connect and how we end up thinking about ourselves and all of that. So, yes, in the effort, like in the process of working, to believe that you are good enough and lovely is also when you begin to focus on yourself physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually, because that mindset it's the best thing to do for you, it's the best way to care for yourself, it's the best way to fill up your cup so that you will better be able to love the people in your life.

Speaker 2: 11:59

Well, and I assume that, as part of that, if there's a glaring flaw in what I do, how I act, what I say, then I would not only admit that, but I would correct that I would stop doing those negative things. But, understanding that I can love me even when I'm not doing it perfectly.

Speaker 2: 12:17

So, if a person can get that kind of good self-concept, then we talk sometimes about people being dependent, independent and interdependent, and basically what that means is that if you are completely independent of the other person, you don't care if they leave. If you are totally dependent on the other person, you have fear that if he ceases to exist or goes away or she, then I will not survive. I have to have this person. Neither of those is healthy in a relationship.

Speaker 2: 12:46

Now, being independent in life makes a lot of sense, but independent in a relationship with somebody that you love means that you don't care if they cease to exist or go away. That doesn't make sense, and so we say interdependence, which is I have chosen to be dependent upon you. If you cease to exist or go away, I will mourn, but I will survive because I can take care of myself in the ways that really matter. Because, kimberly, people with that kind of confidence, when that kind of love, tend to do much better and wiser things than the people who think they're not lovely or lovable or who just don't care about the other person at all.

Speaker 1: 13:28

Yeah, absolutely. It's the stability of mind and emotions to where you will make the choices that are best for the relationship but not make the choices that are to your detriment. And that's that fine line that we sometimes see. Especially when people are insecure or jealous, they can have a tendency to become a doormat and to just allow their spouse to walk all over them and do whatever their spouse wants them to do. They just want to make their spouse happy, but that is eroding their self-esteem and you don't have to do that, and so it goes back to quit trying to save your marriage. If you're doing things like that that aren't healthy for you, that's not helpful at the end, because you don't want to attract your spouse back only under the premise that they can do whatever they want and you're going to be okay with it.

Speaker 2: 14:21

That would be terrible, and so, if you're dealing with insecurity or jealousy, we would strongly recommend that you look into yourself, as we've been talking about now, and learn how to love you, not in some narcissistic way, but love you in a true, valuable way, where you can accept the fact that you're not perfect and you don't have to be perfect to be lovely or lovable. Now, if you can't do that on your own, then maybe you need somebody to help you with that. But what about Kimberly, the other spouse? I don't know how to act, I don't know what to do, because my wife or my husband is continually thinking I'm doing bad things, they're jealous to the nth degree when there doesn't seem to be a reason, etc. What about that spouse?

Speaker 1: 15:04

If that's the person listening and they're saying my spouse is driving me crazy, I can't seem to figure it out. It's going to need to be a conversation and it's a difficult conversation to navigate, or maybe I should say a sensitive conversation to navigate, because in how you word things and how you approach it, we don't want to lead the already insecure and anxious and jealous spouse to think that you're trying to hide things further. We don't want them to become more paranoid, but it needs to be addressed and likely. The source of it, like you said, the source of it for that other person is there's a fear of some kind. Like you said, the source of it for that other person is there's a fear of some kind. So how can we build trust and help to ease that fear, while also helping and enabling them to become confident?

Speaker 2: 15:58

I think, when we go back to the pies, be physically present. Now it doesn't mean you have to be with that person 24 hours a day. You can still go to work, you can still go play golf or whatever, but you have to have enough physical presence there that the other person feels within themselves that they can rely on you. So be physically there. Intellectually, find things that you both care about, that you can actually communicate about, that you can talk about, because the more you can do that, even about things that are really not relationship related, like, oh, I like gardening Well, why do you like that and you wind up having these long discussions about these things? It actually involves you listening to the other person, hearing what he or she has to say and that being reciprocated.

Speaker 2: 16:41

And so, intellectual, we need to talk about things other than how to pay the bills. And so, intellectual, we need to talk about things other than how to pay the bills. And then, emotionally, I need to be sensitive to see what things evoke negative emotions within you, and if I'm part of what's making that happen, then I need to stop those things. If other people are doing it, I need to step in and protect you so that you will not be emotionally damaged. You'll feel, hey, my spouse is here to protect me when other people don't treat me as they should. And then I should watch for the things that evoke positive emotions and do more of those as I can.

Speaker 2: 17:13

And then spiritually examine together your beliefs and values, what you believe to be true and how you believe people should behave based on what you believe to be true. And so Kimberly eats the pies all over again. But now it's like body, mind, heart and soul. How do we integrate those two between two people while still being two people? But we can find that union, that we can become one. And so if your spouse is needy, then we would suggest you try that Now.

Speaker 2: 17:45

If the neediness having to do with the jealousy and the insecurity if that's based on things that happened to him or her before you ever came into the picture, you may need to involve somebody who can help you understand that. For example, in our workshop we go through that, trying to help people get a clue as to what that's about and how to understand how you understand that. For example, in our workshop we go through that, trying to help people get a clue as to what that's about and how to understand how to fix that. Now, we don't have a magic pill, as you said, but we can help people really understand a lot more about this.

Speaker 1: 18:17

That's very true. On my podcast, it starts with attraction. I've been interviewing a couple of neuroscientists, psychiatrists recently and there seems to be a common theme that awareness is really the first step to changing behavior and getting different outcomes. And so what we're talking about here, a lot of it has been starting with awareness and, like in our workshop, we bring a lot of awareness to the couple, which is incredibly helpful for them to shift their perspective and begin to change things. But you can't really make any of the changes without the awareness piece, and that part of it is so crucial and we do it really well.

Speaker 2: 19:01

Well, actually we do and as my friend Dr Barry McCarthy, he says, if I'm working with a couple, I'm trying to help them get enough information about themselves, their situation, the other person, so they can make the wisest decision. And if they don't have the awareness of all the things they need to be aware of, they will not make the wisest decision. It's just that unless they just happen to look into it, right.

Speaker 1: 19:23

Right, I think that is very wise of an answer.

Speaker 2: 19:27

It really is, and you're right. That's what we do in our three-day intensive workshop we teach, we don't do therapy, we don't do psychotherapy, we don't do counseling. What we do in those three days is that we educate, educate, educate, educate, sharing all kinds of research that's out there and the things that have been found and how these principles work in real life. And while that in and of itself does not immediately solve problems of insecurity and jealousy, it puts people on the right path, both both the one who feels that and the one who is the brunt of that, because the other one is so uncertain about things.

Speaker 1: 20:03

Right. And then the coaching that our clients receive after the workshop. That helps to reinstill what they've learned, but also learning how to navigate it in real life. How do I actually do this when things are hard?

Speaker 2: 20:18

Yeah, I had a situation last week talking to a couple. I asked him to leave the room for a couple of minutes and I was talking to her and I said, have you thought about it this way? And I went through a few questions with her and she answered those questions and finally, you see, the light come on and it's like, oh, then I'm contributing to this.

Speaker 2: 20:37

Oh okay, now, let's bring you back in the room, now that you have awareness of what you're doing. I didn't want to do that in front of him for fear that she would feel that she needed to defend herself. I was attacking her, but she needed to defend herself. Yeah, I was attacking her, but yeah, and it's interesting how even when the light goes on, probably the next time I visit with them, we'll revisit that. Okay, how's it been going? What did you do? Okay, that wasn't wise. What about this? Because nobody gets it perfect immediately.

Speaker 1: 21:03

Right? Nobody Exactly. It's habit change, and habit change doesn't happen overnight. It happens through being aware, beginning to change your habit, realizing how you feel now that you've done the new thing or if you fall back into your old pattern how do you feel when you didn't? And your brain begins to recognize the reward versus the consequence and will automatically want to shift to the reward outcome.

Speaker 2: 21:31

So how do we summarize this?

Speaker 1: 21:33

Come to our workshop.

Speaker 2: 21:35

We're summarized by saying if you're the one feeling the insecurity, the jealousy, start by looking inside of you with honesty, but not to destroy yourself, but to make yourself the better person as you go. But learn to love yourself now as you grow. And if you need professional help to help you deal with some issues, then do that. And to the other spouse we're saying if your spouse is jealous, first look at your own behavior. If you're causing that because certain things you're doing are leading your spouse to be afraid, then you need to stop that and quit blaming it on your spouse. He or she would have good reason to be jealous or insecure if you're doing those kinds of things, so stop it. But once you do that, get as close to your spouse as you can physically, intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, understand each other, understand where these things are coming from, and you can work into a very healthy, respectful, interdependent relationship.

Speaker 1: 22:30

Love it. Great takeaway, and if there's anything that we can do to help, we would love to. You can book a free call with one of our intake specialists by going to marriagehelpercom slash book now. That will be in the show notes. Whether you're watching on YouTube or whether you are listening in a podcast, you just can go and follow that link. Also, if you're watching, be sure you hit subscribe. If you're listening, be sure you follow on whatever platform you're listening to us on. Some algorithms have recently changed and people aren't always getting our updates if they're not following the show. So be sure that you do that and, as always, until next week. Remember there is always hope.