Feeling lost and hopeless after an affair? You're not alone. Wondering how to rebuild intimacy and reignite passion with your spouse? This video is for YOU. You can save your marriage.
Marriage Helper Expert Dr. Joe Beam offers guidance and hope for couples struggling with the aftermath of infidelity. He explores the two most common types of affairs and their impact on your sex life. Learn:
How to stop comparing your spouse to the affair partner
Why focusing on the emotional connection is key
Practical tips to rebuild trust and intimacy
Resources to help you heal and reconnect (including Marriage Helper's communication guides!)
If you're ready to move forward and create a stronger, more fulfilling marriage, watch now!
Who is this for?
Couples dealing with the aftermath of an affair
Anyone feeling disconnected or unfulfilled in their sex life
Individuals struggling with guilt or shame about an affair
Relationship Radio is hosted by CEO of Marriage Helper, Kimberly Beam Holmes, and founder of Marriage Helper, Dr. Joe Beam.
Regardless of your situation, what we teach will not only make your relationships better, but will also help you to become the best version of yourself along the way.
Relationship Radio is released every Wednesday and is an extension of Marriage Helper.
Be sure to subscribe to the podcast and leave a review. We love hearing from you!
For more resources about your specific situation, visit marriagehelper.com.
Feeling lost and hopeless after an affair? You're not alone. Wondering how to rebuild intimacy and reignite passion with your spouse? This video is for YOU. You can save your marriage.
Marriage Helper Expert Dr. Joe Beam offers guidance and hope for couples struggling with the aftermath of infidelity. He explores the two most common types of affairs and their impact on your sex life. Learn:
How to stop comparing your spouse to the affair partner
Why focusing on the emotional connection is key
Practical tips to rebuild trust and intimacy
Resources to help you heal and reconnect (including Marriage Helper's communication guides!)
If you're ready to move forward and create a stronger, more fulfilling marriage, watch now!
Who is this for?
Couples dealing with the aftermath of an affair
Anyone feeling disconnected or unfulfilled in their sex life
Individuals struggling with guilt or shame about an affair
Relationship Radio is hosted by CEO of Marriage Helper, Kimberly Beam Holmes, and founder of Marriage Helper, Dr. Joe Beam.
Regardless of your situation, what we teach will not only make your relationships better, but will also help you to become the best version of yourself along the way.
Relationship Radio is released every Wednesday and is an extension of Marriage Helper.
Be sure to subscribe to the podcast and leave a review. We love hearing from you!
For more resources about your specific situation, visit marriagehelper.com.
So you had an affair, but now you're trying to put your marriage back together. But you're wondering how will this affect my sex life with my spouse either your husband or your wife. So I'd like to address that for a few minutes Now. If you're the spouse who was cheated on, you may not like some of the things I'm going to talk about. I'm not going to say those things to hurt you. I have no desire to hurt you whatsoever and, as a matter of fact, we'll have another video where I can talk to you directly. But in this video I want to talk to the spouse who had the affair but now wants to put the marriage back together, because one of the questions they're typically afraid to ask, but almost always have, is how is this going to affect making love to my spouse? Is it going to affect it in a negative way Probably not a positive way or will it have no effect whatsoever?
Speaker 1:
Okay, there are basically two different kinds of affairs I'm going to be talking about here. One is what we call the high opportunity, low involvement. What I mean about that is that there's no real strong emotional connection with the other person. It may be you were at the wrong place at the wrong time and got the wrong opportunity and through a moment of weakness, you yielded to it, and so this is the proverbial one-night stand, although it may last more than one night, but it really isn't about being quote madly in love with the other person. It's really about an opportunity to have sex. Now, that's the first kind of affair. The second kind of affair that typically we deal with is what we call a limerent affair, and that's basically a relationship that becomes sexual. The relationship crosses boundaries, crosses borders because of the fact that you open up your heart to each other, you share your thoughts, your dreams, your fears, your anxieties, all those kinds of things, and in the process of doing that, as you become closer and closer emotionally, then it often will turn into a sexual scenario. Now, the results of each of those different kinds of affairs are a little bit different. So let's talk about the first one and then get to the second one, because whichever one it was will make a difference about how you approach your own marriage.
Speaker 1:
Now, if it was a high opportunity, low involvement affair, it probably was either extremely exciting or extremely guilt-ridden, or both. In other words, here I am doing something I shouldn't do, I'm crossing boundaries. I'm doing the forbidden and there can be a degree of excitement when you do that. I'm not saying it's a good thing. I'm doing something I shouldn't do. I'm crossing boundaries, I'm doing the forbidden and there can be a degree of excitement when you do that. I'm not saying it's a good thing, I'm not saying that you should be seeking that kind of excitement, but I'm saying it's not unusual for a human being, when they cross the borders, when they do things that they know to be wrong, we'll find some intense pleasure in that, just because they're doing the forbidden.
Speaker 1:
Now the other part of it is a person actually in the process of that may stop, may stop at the beginning of it, may stop in the middle of it or maybe toward the end of it, which is not really stopping in time. Obviously is it. But they stop because of the fact that their own beliefs and values are so powerful, so strong. It's like what am I doing kissing this person? Or what am I doing where we're lying in bed next to each other nude? How did we get this far? I can't do this. I have to stop. I have to leave right now.
Speaker 1:
And if you're saying, dr Bing, are there people who really do that? Yes, there are. I remember once a lady said you know, I think I'm going to divorce my husband because he's been unfaithful. I just want to know does it make a difference that I spent the other night with a guy lying nude in bed next to him, even though we did not have intercourse per se? Look, having sex in that environment can be quite exciting. It also can be quite guilt-ridden and often maybe not often, but at least enough of the time guilt-r written in time that you stop, that you don't go any further. And if you did complete the act and so each of you did what you wanted to do with each other's bodies and came to a culmination both male and female there, then you might be finding yourself shortly after that feeling contrition, like oh my goodness, I found myself out of control there. It was so exciting at the time, but now I can't believe the guilt I felt because I did it Now I guess there's a third scenario there, which would be that a person says I enjoyed it at the time and I felt no guilt since then.
Speaker 1:
Now, if you're in that third category, it's a little bit different. So let me just say this Number one. Remember that what you did in a high-opportunity, low-involvement affair was just sex and the emotions involved in it weren't the emotions of intimacy in terms of being open and transparent and honest and close to each other and caring about each other deeply, the emotions? There were more emotions of the flesh, and because there might be a big thrill in doing the forbidden, then you may be wondering okay, I'm sorry, I'm trying to put my marriage back together. I want to be with my husband or wife, but how do I not find myself fantasizing about that exciting sexual scenario that I had, fantasizing about that exciting sexual scenario that I had? How can I go back to what would be more mundane sex with my spouse after that exhilarating, different sex with that person the other night? Okay, understand the psychology of it and even the physicality of it.
Speaker 1:
Any couple that's been making love to each other for about two years or so will actually reach a point of what's called sexual habituation. What that means is that you wind up doing the same thing over and over again. The novelty is gone, trying new things is gone, even frequency decreases and that can lead to a thing called sexual boredom. So it's like well, yeah, it still feels good to orgasm, but I'm not enjoying the way I used to back when we really put ourselves into it and were imaginative and so forth and so on. And having sex with one person one night in the proverbial one night stand, or even if it's two or three nights, actually doesn't have any of that sexual boredom aspect to it. It doesn't have sexual habituation. It's exciting because it's brand new. Therefore, even if you stayed with that person, if you divorced your husband or your wife and you stayed with that person, the quote amazing sex, if that's what it felt like end quote is not going to continue forever.
Speaker 1:
If you were to divorce your spouse and marry that person within a couple of years, you're right back into sexual habituation and eventually sexual boredom. You say, oh no, no, no, because we did things I never did with my spouse, things I never thought about before. They were so exciting, I understand, but it still will change. Trust me it will. Because what makes sex wonderful over time is not the sexual thrill. That comes from trying something new. It's the deep interconnection you have with the other person emotionally, where you can let down your hair, where you can trust the other person, where you can be loved for who and what you are without having to meet some kind of criteria, be loved for who and what you are without having to meet some kind of criteria. And so if you had that kind of short time, short frame affair, that high opportunity, low involvement, a couple of suggestions for you.
Speaker 1:
Number one do not continue to fantasize about it. You say what do you mean when you're making love to your spouse? You force yourself to concentrate totally and completely on your spouse, and if you want to liven up the sex life with your spouse, then you go slow. What I mean by that is take enough time to kiss, to kiss the neck, not just the mouth, not just the tongue, but the neck, the ears, the chest, the back, the calves, the thighs and other places you might want to kiss. But do it where you take your time and you're so focused on giving your spouse pleasure that you can focus on that to the point where you will not allow yourself to be fantasizing about that other person, because if you continue to fantasize about the other person, you're going to put them into a situation where it becomes well, just that, a fantasy that even if you were to have sex with him or her again, it wouldn't be like that because you've so idealized it. So stop the fantasy. Focus on your spouse.
Speaker 1:
Now you say but what if we did some things there that you know we have not done in my marriage? And how can I introduce those things with my spouse? Very carefully, by doing so, and if he or she knows that you've had the extramarital affair, even the short-lived one, if they know that, then they're going to hear that, as you don't think I'm a good lover, or you don't want to be just with me, or you're trying to make me be her or him, and I can't do that. I am me and only me. So if you want to introduce new things into your marriage so that you can find a way to get past sexual boredom, where that you don't stay in sexual habituation, then talk to your spouse, but make it more of let's explore some things.
Speaker 1:
Now. If he or she already knows about the affair, of course what you have to do to begin with is tell them how sorry you are and don't give them any physical details of what you did with the other person. Hear me, don't give any physical details about what you did with the other person. And if they ask for those. Then you say, look, it's just gonna hurt me and probably will hurt you, and please don't make me talk about what I did with him or her, because it's not relevant. It was a situation that was a once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing where I was out of my environment, not doing the things I would normally be doing. I wasn't even being me at the time because I was violating my beliefs and values.
Speaker 1:
So let's don't talk about those, because if you describe specific scenarios either about the way you had sex, the positions you were in, what body parts were involved, all those kinds of things things are going to happen in all likelihood. The first is your spouse is now not going to want to do those things because of the fact that you did it with somebody else, or will now want to do those things, thinking that he or she you did it with somebody else or will now want to do those things, thinking that he or she can convince you that they're the better lover. And you might be saying, well, that's a victory, then we get to do new stuff. Yes, but if you decided to do it that way and if that's motivates them where they want to be the better lover, then you've got to be communicating to them that you love what's happening. In other words, you must do everything you can to not lead them to feel that they're second best, that they're not as good. Now, that can be difficult if you're going to be honest, so therefore, I would still recommend don't tell because of the fact. Then you don't have to worry about those scenarios I just mentioned.
Speaker 1:
You can do things like this, though we have a kit that's available to people who have been through our three-day workshop. That's actually seven and a half hours of guided videos, not pornography, but guided videos that will lead people through talking about sex in a way they've never talked about it before, talking about new positions, new activities, new ways of doing things, doing things, and I would recommend, if you have been through one of our workshops, talk to your client representative here, your intake specialist, or, if you're working with one of our coaches, ask one of our coaches how you can get that, and you guys can work through those videos where we teach you. Then we'll say stop, do the following, then turn the video back on, we'll teach you again, and that gives you a way to approach it without having to refer back to the affair, which is highly likely to lead your spouse to feeling inadequate. So, do you understand, don't fantasize about it. And the best way to keep yourself from fantasizing about it is to concentrate on your spouse's body when you're making love Not just the body, but on giving him or her as much pleasure as you possibly can.
Speaker 1:
Now you say well, what about that second kind of affair, dr Beam, where the thing that you call the limerick affair, which was extremely emotion-based? It didn't start off as being something sexual, it started off as a friendship and we became closer and closer to each other and inevitably, at some point it led to our making love. Even then, you may have had guilt that stopped you at the beginning of the first time that you were sexually together, or in the middle, or felt extreme guilt after the first time you were together. But if it was a limerent affair, you went back in all likelihood, and the reason for that is because of the extremely strong emotions. And you were telling yourself it's not just the sex, it's the relationship with that person. And actually that's true, that's what's happening in your brain, up there in your heart, if you'll let us use that word. It is about the relationship with the other person. But if ever it becomes sexual, it's almost impossible to not keep it sexual after that. Because what, you've tasted that forbidden fruit. Now you say, but okay, so what if I had that? Then it wasn't just all physical, then it was emotional as well. That's correct. Well, if I'm going to increase the passion in my marriage because I'm trying to save it, what do I do?
Speaker 1:
Similar to the first thing we talked about, where it was primarily sexual, the similarity here is do not let yourself fantasize about the lover you had that you were so deeply emotionally involved with. I know that's a lot easier to say than it is to do, but I'm encouraging you that whenever thoughts of him or her come into your brain, whenever you start remembering things that you get together and those memories will be especially important to you because you have deep emotions tied to them find something else to make you think about, so that you don't keep going back to those memories again and again. Don't allow those memories to happen and, specifically and particularly, do not let those memories be in your head while you're making love to your spouse, because then you are not really making love to him or her. You, in essence, are still or continuing to make love to your lover and that's not going to help you and it's not going to help your husband or your wife, as a matter of fact, it's just going to make things worse. And sometimes, if you do that without even realizing it, you'll say something in the heat of passion that will give your spouse a clue that you really are thinking about the other person, even if you think no, I'd never do that. Or even if you don't verbalize, sometimes they'll be able to tell that you're not there. You say what do you mean? Not there?
Speaker 1:
There's a thing in sexology called spectatoring, and spectatoring basically is when people have difficulty with their sex lives because they're observing themselves judgmentally. It's like your mind went up in a corner up here and is watching your body make love or have sex and you're judging your own behaviors. You're judging if you're any good at that. You're judging if he or she, the partner, likes that. And in spectatoring, because of the fact that you're not really participating, you're not really in the moment, it's not very fulfilling for you and can lead to all kinds of problems. Now, if you are thinking about that affair partner, the one that you were in limerence, with that deep, intense emotional connection. If you're allowing yourself to think about him or her while you're making love to your spouse, in a sense, you're spectatoring and it's not going to create the union with your spouse that he or she needs.
Speaker 1:
Now I know you're thinking have you got a pill? Can you give me a pill that'll make all that go away? Well, believe it or not, I don't have one, but medical science does. You could go to your physician and if he or she believes that it's the right thing to do for you, based on your physical conditions, your other medicines, etc. They can get you to a very high-level dose of what's called an SSRI selective serotoner uptake inhib. Like Prozac. That was the granddaddy.
Speaker 1:
There's a bunch of them now Zoloft, as a matter of fact, zoloft probably is one of the most prescribed medicines in the world. There are others as well. There are many different kinds Lexapro, paxil, et cetera, et cetera. And if you have a high enough dosage of that, will it keep you from, but it'll keep you from getting excited about anything. You'll feel as if you're a zombie. Now, if that's what you need to get through this, then talk to your physician about it and he or she will tell you whether that's contraindicated by other things in your life, or he or she will decide to help you and they'll have to work you up because the dosages where they first start aren't going to make much difference. Based on the studies I have read, if you're going to get to the point where it's going to help you just dole out those emotions, it's going to be pretty much a higher dose that you have to work up to.
Speaker 1:
And so, again, just as we say with those that have the short-lived affair, I would strongly encourage you do not tell your spouse the physical things you did with that person. Now, if your spouse is thinking you're just trying to hide that from me because you're still deceiving me, etc. Then maybe you would like to work with one of our coaches, because it'll be a whole lot easier for your spouse to believe you if it's actually coming from a third party, where if the coach, who is unbiased, an unbiased professional, can step in and say you know there's no advantage of that, I think the only thing will come is harm. And so I'm recommending that you not talk about those specific details and, just as with the other type, those short lived affairs I talked about, you also can find that thing we have. I think it's called the spark. It's something like that Spark your marriage, spark your marriage. And it's that seven and a half hours of video that not all at one time is broken up into units, of course, that you can work through and talk about all kinds of things. It starts with things as simple as anatomy understanding more and more things about that.
Speaker 1:
Okay, so let me kind of summarize all this, if I may maybe bring it together. If you're going to have passion with your spouse again, you cannot gain it by comparing your spouse's lovemaking ability to the person that you've been having sex with, ability to the person that you've been having sex with, whether that was a one-night stand or a limerent lover. If you allow in your mind that to happen, then you're never going to be satisfied with your spouse, you're never going to be fulfilled. But if you finally figure out hey, wait a minute the deepest relationship between two people is not going to be just that physical union, it's going to be the emotional and spiritual union that takes place during the sex act. There's a guy by the name of Schwartz who wrote a book about sex when you're in your 50s and 60s and he indicated that the best sex you'll have will be as you get older and you say, well, wait a minute, if I'm younger we've got, you know, these hard, firm bodies and all that kind of thing. Wouldn't that be better sex? Now, if you're concentrating just on the physical, yeah. But the most fulfilling parts about sex is not just the physical, as exciting as that can be. It's the union between two people, not just their bodies melding together, but their minds melding together as they share their secrets, their fears, their desires, as they become open and honest with each other and closer and closer, and as they share their spirits with each other in the sense of let's look beyond us, let's look into our beliefs and our value system and let's make sure that we're living the kind of life that we feel good about and that we feel happy dying in this way, because we'll know that the legacy we leave is a good legacy, not a bad legacy, not a selfish legacy. So I hope you got the point.
Speaker 1:
No, I didn't give you an instant cure for it. I'm telling you that if you've been involved with somebody else, either briefly or in a limited affair, you are going through some of these emotions and you don't get to talk to anybody else about it because you're afraid If you tell my spouse it's going to hurt him or her. It will. If I tell my best friend about it, who knows, he might wind up saying something to somebody he might. But we are happy to talk to you about it Now. If you're getting past the affair and really want to put your marriage together, I certainly encourage you to consider bringing your spouse to our three-day intensive workshop. It can help a lot. If you go to marriagehelpercom book now you can talk to one of our intake specialists. Now. They are not counselors, they're not therapists, but they'll listen and they'll help you find out which products or services we have that can help you, including that seven and a half hours in videos of teaching where you actually stop and do sexual exercises with each other in the process of it. Now again, that's not porn, it's teaching. But you can find this deep connection and finally you might be saying deep connection and finally you might be saying you're sure about this, I'm positive how.
Speaker 1:
Two things, number one many years ago I left my wife for a woman that I was madly in love with, what we would call a limerick lover. I divorced my wife because I was going to be with this other woman forever and ever and because of the intense emotions involved in the limerence, and I felt that that was the most effective and exciting sex that ever been involved in my life. Just like every other person tells me about their limerent relationships, hey, joe, will I feel that same level of excitement going back to my spouse that I felt in the limerent relationship? Probably not, as a matter of fact, in all likelihood not. But there's something much deeper, there's something much better. I mean having sex, having orgasms, feels good, having a unique bond with the other person, and that sex becomes the way you communicate that in the deepest levels. That's the most important thing. I learned that I'd rather make love to my spouse and you know, we're a couple of years old, we're in that older bunch group and have more fulfillment with each other than I did back when I was in my Lambert affair, even though I thought that was the be-all end-all. And the second part of that is, if that were only true of Alice and me, we'd be an anomaly.
Speaker 1:
But in the 30 years we've been doing this, we have talked to countless people who have had the short-time affairs, who have had the long-time limerent affairs who have told us all these same things, and that now. So just the other day I talked to one of our clients and he said it took me a couple of years and one of the reasons he said it took him so long was because he asked for the details. Did you do this with him? And I kept telling him don't do that, but he did it anyway. Did you do this with him? Did you do that? And I kept telling him don't do that, but he did it anyway. So it took him, according to him, a couple of extra years to get through that.
Speaker 1:
But now he tells me it's the most fulfilling sex I've ever had with my wife and me. We're that close. It's not just bodies anymore, it's hearts, it's mind, it's soul. It's two people becoming anymore. It's hearts, it's mind, it's soul. It's two people becoming one. You can have that, but you have to stop those memories occurring again and again about what you had and don't expect your spouse to be what the other person was. Learn how to love each other for each other.