Relationship Radio: Marriage, Sex, Limerence & Avoiding Divorce
Relationship Radio: Marriage, Sex, Limerence & Avoiding Divorce
Can I Fix My Marriage If My Spouse Hates Me?
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What happens when the person you vowed to spend your life with seems to hate you? Joining us on today's episode is Roald Gerber, Marriage Helper's Workshop Fulfillment Manager, who sheds light on this challenging scenario. Unravel the misconceptions tying hate to love and indifference, and gain practical advice on mental resilience and understanding your spouse's perspective. We address a listener's poignant question about coping with a spouse's expressed hatred, offering actionable steps to transform negative emotions into positive connections and reduce tension in the relationship.
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My spouse hates me. That's something that we hear quite often, maybe even things like my spouse is refusing to talk to me. Today I am joined by Rold. Rold is a coach. He is over the coaching team, leads workshops. Rold does a lot of things here. So, rold, there's a lot of, maybe, misconceptions when it comes to hate. Can you kind of speak into some of that, what those misconceptions are when it comes to hearing things like I hate you from your spouse?
Speaker 2:Yeah, thanks, jason, and it's always good to be here in the studio in person and not doing this online.
Speaker 1:Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think the first thing that always pops to mind when we hear my spouse hates me.
Speaker 2:I think in our minds we go, oh, that's a really bad thing which it is but the way we like to reframe that is to think like, okay, hate is still an emotion, it's a negative emotion, but it's not necessarily the end of the world, because we can still do some things to maybe turn that around. The real issue comes in when we start seeing things like indifference, which is actually the opposite of love. A lot of times people think that hate is the opposite of love. Yeah, but it's actually not. There's love, and then hate is a very negative emotion, but it's still an emotion towards you. Indifference is like that's a different conversation entirely, but typically when we say, like our spouse, or if we hear my spouse hates me, while it's negative, there's still some very practical things that we can actually do to change that emotion from a very negative emotion to something more positive, something more that we can work with. More and progress with does take time, but it's definitely something we can still work with.
Speaker 1:Yeah, for sure. Well, we have a couple of questions that have been submitted by some of the listeners of Relationship Radio. So how about we dive in directly into these questions and then have you answer them? Sound good.
Speaker 2:Let's do it.
Speaker 1:All right. First question my husband seems very angry at me and he won't even look me in the eyes anymore. He told me he no longer loves me and said that he even hates me. He is very cold with me and he never engages in any conversation with me. How do I live with a man who clearly hates me?
Speaker 2:It's a really good question. It's something I think, like you said, we hear all the time, and it's really hard to hear those words Like I don't love you anymore, I don't want anything to do with you. In fact, like hearing it directly, I hate you. So, to the person who asked that question, like we empathize with you. It's something we hear a lot and it's always really difficult to hear those words. And so something that we would always do is kind of walk through a journey and walk through a path Like what got you guys to this point? What led your marriage to get to this point? What pushed your spouse away? Why is he potentially angry and so hurtful towards you?
Speaker 2:But, as a kind of a general rule, something we look within, like the person asked is how do I live with a person that hates me so much? Like, how do I carry on doing this day to day? And so the first thought that comes to mind is really sometimes someone who wants out is potentially dreaming of a life with someone else, or potentially chasing a dream that involves them not being with you. Now, part of that means like hey, they've got this vision, this tunnel vision of this is the only thing that will make me happy is being out. Everything else and anyone else that stands in their way actually becomes an obstacle and potentially even becomes an enemy, which means that their behavior, their mindset, is anti-you, because you are now the obstacle standing in their way of them getting what they want. So a lot of times, what we see is that spouse that is angry and says these hurtful things. It's not necessarily that you've done something wrong, it's just that that's where their mindset is at is so negative and they perceive that this new life they're going to have, or this life without you, is going to be all cupcakes and rainbows, which most of the time it isn't, yeah. But so a lot of what comes out of their mouth is just often to push you away, yeah, and to get you to react and respond in a way that goes oh you see, this is exactly why I'm leaving.
Speaker 2:So we first got to understand that sometimes it's not just about what you've done. It could just be where they are at and they will spew that on you. They'll push it on you just to try and push you away or justify them leaving. So in that case, what we typically would suggest is try and build up some kind of mental fortitude, almost like an armor, recognizing that a lot of, or oftentimes, what your spouse might be saying to you is just to push you away. So hear them, listen to what they're saying, but try and not let it pierce you to the heart. Don't let it impact you to the point where you break down and fall apart, because it might not be something you've done.
Speaker 2:The other side of that, though, is if you know there are certain things that you might still be doing that is creating a negative emotion in your spouse, we would then suggest do everything in your power to stop doing those things that could potentially elevate or escalate his anger and his kind of negative emotions.
Speaker 2:So we would always say stop your pushes, create more pulls, because then in that process and again, it doesn't happen overnight, but in that process you start creating more pulls, which could draw your spouse towards you, but also bring down some of that negative emotion that your spouse has, which creates a whole different environment for you, and so we've got a lot of toolkits about that.
Speaker 2:We've got even a hate like why does my spouse hate me? Toolkit, but pushes and pulls are really going to be the dynamic that you want to focus on Stop doing the things that evoke a negative emotion. Start doing things that create a positive emotion. But also, like the question asked, like how do I live with someone like this? I think perspective is a big thing is understanding what your spouse is going through, why they might be saying the things that they're saying. You might not know all the facts, but understand. It's not always your fault, yeah, but stop the things that you know could be your fault and you start setting a different environment where you can potentially have some different conversations and maybe walk this out with your coach as well.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so along the same lines of the first question, but also a little bit different, because there's a little bit of an extra caveat to this question. So this question says my spouse refuses to speak to me. We don't have any kids. He suddenly blocked me, left filed for divorce all in the same day with no conversation beforehand. I was in total shock. We were about to build our first home together. How can there be smart contact when he won't allow a conversation at all? I feel like he all of a sudden hates me.
Speaker 2:And again, like we say, these are always very difficult things to hear and process. When you first hear this and like gosh finding that all out in one day I can only imagine that's like.
Speaker 2:That's a lot to process and deal with in one space of time, yeah, and so a lot of times folks will come to us and say well, my spouse doesn't speak to me, they refuse to contact me, whether it's through text even, or they've completely blocked me on everything. Now we understand, like sometimes that means smart context difficult, because now we're not able to communicate. But it doesn't mean that we stop practicing smart content, because there's a lot of elements to that Like.
Speaker 2:The first part is the S, which is stop the pushes because there's a lot of elements to that Like the first part is the S, which is stop the pushes, and those are all things that you can work on without your spouse communicating with you. It's like you take the ownership, you start working on yourself, become the best version of you, fix your communication, fix your side of things, like one of our other coaches and we've kind of adopted this term is, fix your side, or clean up your side of the street. So a lot of this part. It seems very lonely and you might not see a lot of movement from your spouse, but there's a lot of things you can still do to make yourself better and to walk this journey in a stronger way.
Speaker 2:But often what we would suggest is you know if there was ways and if'm if there was kids involved, I would ask the question. Or and I'm just hypothetically, this might be for a wider audience, but sometimes if we have kids involved that your spouse will still need to see the kids at some point. Yeah, which means that you still do have some contact with that person. Yeah, it might not mean that it ends up in huge conversations, but it could be just. Hey, at least there is an opportunity, firstly for me to show off the work I've done on myself, but then being very strategic about those contacts. So if we're going to exchange kids or we've got to discuss something about the kids, whether it's via email or text or whatever, that's still an opportunity.
Speaker 2:And so we've sometimes got to get out of our own heads and think like this is the end of the world, there's no way this is going to work, we're never going to have contact again.
Speaker 2:Like we say, that there's always hope, absolutely. And I think if we keep an open mind, even the smallest contact can have a bigger impact over time Because, as your spouse sees, hey, you're putting in the work in yourself. The way you're speaking and responding is different to the way you previously did it. All these little things add up over time. Now, obviously there's a lot more to this story than what we could answer right now, but I would suggest to this person keep an open mind and look for all the different solutions or options you might have to potentially reach out to your spouse or create some kind of contact, but in the meantime, you keep working on yourself, you fix your side of the street, you get your life in order because, no matter what happens, you're going to be influencing yourself, but you're also going to be influencing your kids, your wider environment and, like we always say, never write off the fact that that news of your change and your growth will get back to your spouse, whether it's through family, through the kids, through friends, through mutual contacts, whatever.
Speaker 2:The potential is still there for your spouse to find out you have changed, even though you might not have any contact right now. But I think, keep an open mind to like, hey, there could be possibilities for contact, for communication, whatever that might be, and when you get that little glimmer or that little door that opens, take it. But here's typically where we also would suggest have a conversation with your coach. Let's figure out a tailor-made plan so that you can like figure out what could be the next steps, what would be an ideal situation of how we can create contact, what would be some things to say, how do we reach out? And a coach can help you walk through that.
Speaker 2:So I would just end with this that we're only ever one strategy away from success. So sometimes it's going to be hit and miss, but a lot of times we learn from that. We go okay, that didn't work, great, we can create another plan. It's not failure, it's just feedback received and we take that and we go okay, you know what? We're only ever one strategy away from having good communication, from having that contact, from things working out in the end, and so it's a one day at a time thing. Can't rush it, but it starts with you. Find your validation from within and take it one day at a time. You keep working on you and then hopefully that creates that environment where potential contact can happen.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely. One of the things that you said was to not discount the fact that you working on yourself wouldn't, would not ever get around back to your spouse. You working on yourself wouldn't would not ever get around back to your spouse. I think Dr Joe has a story, specifically that he shared on Relationship Radio, I believe, before, about how a woman was separated from her husband. She worked on herself, was in some sort of like. Some took some sort of like cooking class or painting class, did something around town, and one of the guy's friends was also in the class, saw her, saw this change that she was making in her life. It got back to her husband that she was separated from. They ended up rekindling, kind of getting back together enough to come to the workshop, came to the workshop and now were able to save their marriage, all because she decided to work on herself and eventually got back around to her husband. So don't discount the fact that it could eventually come back to your spouse even if there is no contact now.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, I wish we could guarantee that will happen every time. But again, we hold on to the hope that things can still happen we hear those kind of stories all the time, so don't just shut off and like, oh, it will never happen.
Speaker 2:Never is a very big word and never is a very long time and there's always that possibility that things can change. And that's the hope we hold on to, it's the faith that things could still work out for the best One day at a time. But we start small, start with you and let's see what happens. Yeah, just do the best. Yeah, one day at a time. But we, we start small, start with you and let's see what happens.
Speaker 1:Yeah, just do the next right thing. That's what we say. Yeah, absolutely so. Speaking of the workshop uh, we offer a three day intensive workshop. Uh, we offer both in person and online, and both for couples and for solo spouses as well. Rolled is one of our facilitators. He does a great job. I actually got to see him lead a couple of workshops in Kenya for the first time, so that was a really cool experience. But if you want to learn more about our three-day intensive workshops, you can click the link below and find out more. We'll see you in the next episode.
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