Relationship Radio: Marriage, Sex, Limerence & Avoiding Divorce
Relationship Radio: Marriage, Sex, Limerence & Avoiding Divorce
The Surprising Reasons Marriages Fail in 2025
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What are the top reasons divorces occur in the United States? Studies show that 50% of all marriages will end in divorce, while 41% of first marriages will end the same way.
So what are the underlying reasons, and what can you do to fix that? Find out on today's episode!
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According to government statistics, a large percentage of marriages in America fail. I know you don't want yours to fail, so maybe we can learn about how to make a marriage better and last longer if we understand the primary reasons that a marriage will fail. There's some good research about that. Hi, I'm Dr Joe Beam and this is Kimberly Holmes, my boss. I work for her and Kimberly is working right now even on your PhD when it comes to psychology. And why is it? I mean, we've read the research. Let's share it with people. What are the reasons that causes for most marriage failures?
Speaker 2:Yes, so of the marriages that do fail, the most common reasons actually the research that's been done boils it down to all of the reasons can be boiled down into three things, really, and that's that a person doesn't feel liked, loved or respected. Now what we're seeing is that people talk a lot about the symptoms of it. Right, they talk a lot about well, we divorced because we a lot about well, we divorced because we could never agree on finances, or because they had an affair, or because I couldn't trust them anymore, or whatever reason it was. But really all of those reasons can be boiled down into one of those three, according to the research.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and we've been doing a lot of research of our own and reading other research about trust, because it's such a thing that gets talked about so much and it's so valuable. And when we look at this, when we quote those three things, that it's not feeling loved, not feeling liked, not feeling respected, and it's not measuring whether or not a spouse feels love like a respect for the other. It's whether the other person perceives that. Now we're basically quoting right now some research by John Gottman, who is like the guru when it comes to marriage research. In one of his books called the Marriage Clinic, he actually did a literature review, which means he was studying a lot of different research as to the motivations of divorce, and when he summarized those researches in his book, the Marriage Clinic, he said look, it comes down to this the person who wants out feels unloved, disliked or disrespected. Now, kimberly, that sounds awfully simple, but it's actually much more complex, isn't it?
Speaker 2:Well, yeah, because first of all, we need to identify what it means to feel liked, loved and respected, because we have to start there in research. But then the second part of it is someone else's perception. Right, this can make it a little more, a little more muddy. A little more muddy because I may act towards my husband, may think I'm acting like I like, love and respect him, but if he doesn't perceive it that way, there's still as much of a disconnect.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, and it's kind of interesting how often people think, no, everything I'm doing is loving you, when the other person's thinking everything you're doing is controlling me or making me feel miserable. I actually talked to a couple the other day where that one of the reasons they were drifting apart is because one of them and in this case it was the husband one of them talked a whole lot about the things that were going wrong in the world and that's basically all he talked about. This bad thing's happening, that bad thing's happening, that bad thing's happening. And she's saying I would like to have a little joy in our lives. How can we have joy when that's going on and that's going on Now?
Speaker 1:He thought I'm just sharing what I think about life. That's what loving people do, and that's true. But what she heard was can you not understand that I have some needs here, and one of those needs is not to be depressed, and you're actually leading me to feel more depressed, which then led her to feel disrespected. Now, is that too complex, or do you think that we can make that even easier to understand?
Speaker 2:I think we can give some other examples that help to make it easier to understand as well. So when it comes to this, this same premise not feeling respected right, I'll give you an example of just last night. So I have a sister and a cousin you know this, but many of our viewers may not and so my cousin got a cabin up in the mountains and invited me and my sister to go with her over sometime over the fall. And so I asked Rob last night hey, what do you think about me going? This sounds like a really great opportunity. And he was not loving it.
Speaker 2:And so I internalized his reaction to be like he is trying to control me, he doesn't want me to go, why is this happening? And I didn't feel respected for me being able to make my own decisions the way I wanted. What the actual truth of it was. Once I actually got curious and sought to understand his point of view was, he said I honestly I just don't love when you're gone. We were apart a lot in the military. I would rather you be here, but I'm totally fine with you going. So I interpreted it one way. My perception was completely different and if I hadn't have gone back and been curious about his reaction. I would have painted that negative story in my mind and felt disrespected and continued to carry that resentment forward when in actuality it was completely different.
Speaker 1:And let's carry that a step further. Then, Now that you know he feels alone when you're gone it doesn't mean you can't go. But if you came back and said oh, by the way, two weeks after that I'm going over there, and then two weeks after that I'm going over there, Then he would feel disrespected because I've already let you know that I feel alone when you're gone. So it's not just a one-sided thing, it's two ways.
Speaker 2:Right and this is another part of marriage right spouse, what our spouse needs in order to feel liked, loved and respected. Then it's on us to make sure that we incorporate that into the future. And that is what helps build trust going back to trust when we make the decisions that are best for the long term relationship, for the marriage, not just what I want, not just what he wants, but what's best for the relationship. And so all of that plays in here to feeling liked, loved and respected and to making sure the perception of that is occurring.
Speaker 1:And so, as you said earlier, you have to define the terms to some degree, particularly love, because here in the USA, where we are, the words used for too many different things. I love ice cream, I love my mother, I love my daughter, I love my wife those may be totally different emotions, or at least a lot different emotions. And so when we talk about love, we'll use the research by Robert Sternberg who's just brilliant, who says that, basically, love has three subcomponents that make love. One is called commitment, meaning I'm going to do what it takes to keep the relationship alive. Another is passion, which has a sexual dimension, but it's not really about sex. It's about the fact that we crave oneness with each other. And then the really big one intimacy. Now, again, it's not about sex, it's about openness, transparency, vulnerability, which is all about trust.
Speaker 1:The more I feel that I can be open and honest with you about what I think, what I believe, what I feel, what I do, and that, even if you're not crazy about it as a matter of fact, you might not even like some of the things that I feel or believe that you will still accept me anyway. We don't have to have a hundred percent agreement that you'll still accept me anyway, then I feel loved. But if I feel that I have to do something differently, believe differently, whatever it might be, to get you to accept me, then I don't feel loved. Or maybe you said this way I feel loved only conditionally, meaning I only feel loved when I'm doing what you want me to do. So true love, kimberly, is kind of difficult because nobody's perfect and the other person's never going to completely believe, think, feel and do everything you want them to. So how does that work into this? Well, how does a marriage end? It ends because one person doesn't feel respected or loved or liked. So it's really not easy. It's not easy at all.
Speaker 2:No, it's not easy, and that is something we will talk about in a future episode where we talk about marriage myths. Right, Marriage is not necessarily easy. It takes work, but that's why it is the most important earthly relationship because it takes work. If it came easy, we probably wouldn't appreciate it as much, invest in it as much, all of those things. It takes intentionality.
Speaker 1:And it takes a level of equality. It's called egalitarian marriages, which means that if one feels the other is acting or believing that they are superior, this doesn't work. Recently worked with a couple where he said you know, the wife's just supposed to obey her husband and she's like you know, I'm happy for you to be the head of the house. That's fine with me, but I am not your slave, I'm not your child, and you'll have to treat me as if I'm an equal. And he had been brought up in a home where that didn't happen, and so his expectation was you're subservient, I'm the boss. In that situation, how do you think she felt? Unloved, disliked, disrespected? Which of the three?
Speaker 2:All of the above, but probably disrespect more than anything, because all of a sudden she doesn't have a voice. And what do you do when you feel like you can't speak for yourself? Or when you do, you're not heard. You feel like you're out of control of everything.
Speaker 1:So let's run through a couple of things. Our friend Dave Ramsey will say the number one reason for the divorce in America is finances, which we don't disagree with if you're looking at symptoms. So how does this fit with that?
Speaker 2:Right. So finances are a direct reflection of what I am giving my life for right. So if we think of it in a payment, we work to get paid and the payment we bring home is, is, or the finance has brought in. So if my husband goes and spends, you know, $2,000 on a new TV that we don't need, then I am thinking do you know how long it took me to work to pay for that that you just did? And especially if there's no conversation. If there's no, you know then how do you feel? And especially if there's no conversation if there's no, you know.
Speaker 1:So then how do you?
Speaker 2:feel Disrespected More than anything, disrespected Because it would be. I would feel unloved in a different type of situation.
Speaker 1:Okay, All right. Well, we can apply this to a lot of things and we're about out of time, so let's hit a couple. Sometimes people say, well, our biggest problems are in-laws, but A lack of respect in the marriage.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because you're not standing up for your spouse's wants, needs or desires.
Speaker 1:So the other spouse, the one who's actually blood kin, should be the one standing up and protecting this person, or this person feels disrespected. So even if they have mismatched sex drives same thing.
Speaker 2:Same thing. But in all of this I think we have to caveat it and say you have to know and understand what your spouse's wants, needs and desires are, because then you won't know if you're disrespecting them, if you don't.
Speaker 1:I think that we need to talk more about that. We're out of time, so why don't we do another program on the hidden part of communication that people can do if they learn how to do it, that can actually help all these things happen.
Speaker 2:I think that sounds like a great way to bring our listeners back.
Speaker 1:Good, we hope you come back, because that'll be our next episode. Okay, based on what you guys are saying, how do we communicate in such a way that we really understand each other so that we can love, like and respect?
Speaker 2:So, as we wrap up, let's talk about the key takeaways from this episode, but before we do, be sure that you like this podcast, subscribe to it. If you're watching on YouTube, then please subscribe to the channel. Like the video, share it with a friend or family member who may need it, and then we will jump into the key takeaways. So the number one reason, or the top three reasons we could say, that most marriages fail that do fail in America all fall under there is a lack of like love or respect on one or both spouses' part within the marriage, and this can look a lot of different ways. It can look like fighting over finances or differences in sex drive or issues with the in-laws, or we could continue going for forever yeah.
Speaker 2:But we do not have time. But at the core, it's about understanding what am I doing to show my spouse I like, love and respect them in a way that they perceive it and then, of course, hopefully your spouse doing that back to you and that is one of the best ways your spouse doing that back to you and that is one of the best ways to divorce proof your marriage Exactly. Thank you, dr Beam, for joining me. We'll see you next week. You.
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