Relationship Radio: Marriage, Sex, Limerence & Avoiding Divorce
Relationship Radio: Marriage, Sex, Limerence & Avoiding Divorce
Can 1 Spouse Save A Marriage?
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The question comes often can one spouse save a marriage? It's because of the fact that you have somebody who really does love the spouse who wants out for whatever reason. Sometimes they want to be with another person, sometimes they're seeking some kind of fantasy or dream, sometimes they're running from something within the relationship itself, until the question comes if he or she is telling me the marriage is over, I don't want to be it anymore. There is no opportunity for us to fix this. Quit standing for the marriage because I'm gone. Is there anything I can do? Can one person influence what happens here? The answer is yes, believe it or not. We've proven it many times over in the last 30 years that we've been working with marriages. Hi, I'm Dr Joe Beam with Marriage Helper. This is Relationship Radio. Now you might be thinking, dr Beam, it's an impossibility. One person can't save a marriage, and in the truest sense of the word that's correct Because of the fact that two people have to make a decision. And so, therefore, we say if you think you can save the marriage by doing something to control the other person, you're making a drastic mistake. People sometimes say I whined, I begged, I pleaded, I did everything I could, I tried to make him or her feel guilty, told them that this was sin, that God was going to get them, that they were killing their children's future. I mean, I've done all kinds of things through guilt and manipulation and whining and begging, and still they want to go. And that's right they will, because you cannot manipulate somebody to stay. If you want them to stay, oh, you may be able to manipulate them to stay for a little while, but they're not going to stay for long. If it's manipulation. And, as I've always said, if you manipulate somebody to come back into the marriage, what are you going to do to keep them in the marriage? Continue to manipulate? So all those things are wrong. And we tell people up front don't buy into that and be very careful.
Speaker 1:What you see on the internet, believe it or not. There are even some people out there offering to cast spells on your behalf so that your beloved will come back to you and want to be with you forevermore. Surely, surely, you're more intelligent than that, but sometimes people are saying things just as ridiculous. I actually saw on the internet once an ad where it said that if you just learn the magic things to say, and of course, they will teach you that for $99 or $199 or $499. If you just learn the magic things to say and you say them one side actually said this not only will they come back, they'll come back begging you to forgive them for everything they've ever done wrong, and they'll want to make love to you every single day for the rest of your life. Their phrasing was so enticing I almost bought the thing just to see what those magic words were. Wouldn't you know better than that? I do too. They can't do that.
Speaker 1:You understand that there are a lot of people out there who are going to tell you to use their system to do this, that and the other and they'll guarantee you that you will then get your spouse back. Don't believe any guarantee. That's impossible. People who guarantee what they can't in actuality guarantee are frauds, charlatans. Don't do business with people like that. You see, there is a possibility that you can actually turn things around and save this marriage, but not by manipulation, not by some magic words, not by chanting some kind of spell. It's going to be because you do some really tough work that sometimes seems almost impossible to do. But if you can stick through it, if you can actually do it, then indeed, you can turn the marriage around.
Speaker 1:And, as I said earlier, we've been working with couples for 30 years now. That's a long time, and with that we have worked with thousands I mean literally thousands of couples. We've worked with couples in in-person sessions where they come to workshops that we do. I've also spoken to many seminars through really large audiences. We also have people who watch our YouTube videos and we have people that take our course, but not the in-person course where they come to Middle Tennessee, but they take our course online. Yes, we have great effect with our course that's actually done online, and in those courses we have people from all over the world. Literally, they come in from China and Australia and Spain and France and every kind of country you can imagine. As a matter of fact, we have had people from every single continent, and that includes Antarctica.
Speaker 1:Yes, you say well then, dr Beam, tell me how we do it. Okay, I'll give you an overview. The first thing is what I've already said Stop trying to make your spouse come back. As a matter of fact, if you focus on that, you're going to make mistakes, say the wrong things, do the wrong things and, at some points, you're going to get so frustrated that you're going to do ridiculous things and then later Bill calling us saying well, I blew it. Is there any chance now? Because this is what I said to him, or or this is what I did in terms of her money, or this is whatever. Can I possibly get past that big error on my part? Yes, yes, you see. We will not ask you to become superhuman, but we will ask you to do the things, and the first thing is to stop trying to fix the marriage. I know that sounds counterintuitive, but it's the truth. Stop trying to fix the marriage, because the more you focus on that, the more mistakes you're going to make, the more errors of judgment you're going to have. You say, okay, if I do that, then what do I do Now?
Speaker 1:Again, this is going to sound counterintuitive, but you start with you, and the first thing you need to do is calm down. Now, we've talked about that on many videos before. You can find it in our YouTube videos, for example. You can find it anywhere and everywhere, because we've said it so many times as long as you're agitated, as long as you're upset, as long as you're just focused on this thing and it's eating you alive, you can't get anything good done, and so the first thing you need to do is calm yourself down. Now we have some methodologies to help you do that. I don't have time in this particular video to explain them to you, but we have some methodologies, both mental, spiritual and physical, some things you can actually do to help calm yourself down, because only then will you think logically, because thinking emotionally will send you the wrong direction. Now you will not lose all your emotions. You're still going to hurt, You're still going to feel pain, but you've got to put logic in the first place, there leading you, and we can teach you how to do that by helping you to calm down. And then you're going to have to find some clarity as to what is actually going on, which means that you can't focus on whatever is happening out there.
Speaker 1:And so if your husband or wife is leaving you for another person, we say don't focus on that person. We say don't focus on that person. If they're focused on something that's attracting them, like they're going to be famous or they're going to get rich or whatever, or even it could be alcohol or drugs they're going after something else, not a person, but some other fantasy. They're chasing some other thing. They're trying to make their reality. If you focus on that, you're probably going to make a lot of mistakes. Now, there are different things you would do if it's another person and if it's a drug addiction, and we can talk about that when we get down into the final way of doing things. Because with things like drug addiction or alcohol addiction, sometimes you have to do interventions and there are even occasions when you might need to do an intervention concerning another person.
Speaker 1:But understand, if you keep thinking out there and focusing on that, you're missing the major point. You you see, if a person wants out of a relationship, it's primarily for one of two reasons Either they feel they're being pushed out of the relationship by the behaviors of the spouse Now, I know, I know it sounds like I'm trying to beat you up. Now Don't hear it that way, please. I know you're not perfect. Nobody is, nobody's perfect. There's this thing we have in the marriage industry that says whoever you marry, you marry us. That are problems. And whoever marries you, marries us. That are problems. Therefore, we know that you're not perfect and yet if you really want to be able to save the marriage, you're going to have to be able to focus on.
Speaker 1:Okay, let me honestly examine myself, because getting clarity is not just trying to understand everything that's happening out there, although that's the question we get all the time. Why does he think that way? Why does she feel that way? Why is he doing that? Why does she Look? I can't always tell you why a person does something. Actually, I'm doing more and more research on that now to understand in a deeper level than ever the whys. But I can tell you right now that it's not important to know all the whys.
Speaker 1:The first thing to ask yourself is is part of this, if not all of this, is part of this because of the fact that he or she is trying to get away from me? Because of the way that I've treated them, because I've been controlling and dominating, and they're just finally tired of that and don't want to be here anymore? Or because of the fact that I've treated them because I've been controlling and dominating, and they're just finally tired of that and don't want to be here anymore? Or because of the fact that I've called them terrible names and treated them badly and they feel completely disrespected by me, as if I somehow look down on them as being inferior to me. And so if you're controlling or if you're disrespectful, well, let's say that your spouse has a certain need for sex.
Speaker 1:Or if you're disrespectful, well, let's say that your spouse has a certain need for sex. I don't mean some kind of sex aberration or some kind of sex addiction, but that they just need a normal amount of sex from you, and yet you refuse to be sexual with them. Are they fleeing you because of the fact that they're thinking I'll never be able to be fulfilled sexually in this marriage, because my spouse is so cold, so uninterested, has so little desire to make love to me? Or it's because of the fact that they feel that you give them no affection whatsoever? You see, if you look at the research that looks into why people want out of a marriage, if you look into the motivations so far, we know this that people typically want out of a marriage either because of the fact that they feel unloved, or they feel disliked, or they feel disrespected.
Speaker 1:It's usually one of those three, and so the first thing you need to do is examine you Now. I'm not trying to beat you up, I'm not trying to tell you that this is your fault I'm not but I'm saying that you may have some fault. And if you do, you have to be honest with yourself, because if you cannot correct whatever flaws you have and I know you have some if you cannot correct whatever flaws you have, then no matter how much you focus on what's happening out there and what your spouse is doing, they're not going to come back if those same flaws in the same level, continue to exist and therefore some self-examination becomes extremely important. Now, that's going to be pretty difficult to do by yourself. I'm going to be talking about in a few minutes some ways that you can find some help with that, but you've got to get clarity about you.
Speaker 1:And then people always well, help me get clarity about what's happening out there. Why is he doing that, why is she doing that, et cetera. We can help you get some clarity and a sense of understanding whether they're being pulled by a person or pulled by a fantasy, or pulled by a dream they're trying to fulfill, or pulled by something they've become addicted to. We can help you get some clarity with that, because if they are addicted to drugs, alcohol, that kind of thing, then the approach is going to be a little bit different than if they're trying to find a relationship with another person, or think they already have, or if they're chasing some fantasy, like I'm going to be a star on Broadway or I'm going to be in the next movie that comes out being the big hit that everybody is raving about.
Speaker 1:You deal with those things differently than if it is an addiction, and so we say the clarity about which it is is basically only between those two. That's really really really important. Are they being drawn to something that they're trying to get or are they being drawn towards something that's gotten control of them? Maybe you're thinking well, dr Beam, couldn't another person have control of them? Yes, but it's not the same thing as drug addiction or alcohol addiction.
Speaker 1:Okay, so by getting clarity, it's like first I look at me and then I look at whatever that pull is out there and what that pull is offering, because if your spouse is leaving you for something out there unless they're just completely driven away from you by what you've been doing, then there's something to that pull out there, and understanding a little bit about what that pull is can be very important. And one way you can figure that out is by thinking what have they been saying to me over the years. What have they complained about? What have they actually told me they were unhappy about that? I thought, oh, that's just not a big deal. Quit your griping Everything's okay, because there can be clues in those things they've said to you over the years. Now, if you seek clarity by trying to find out what is it that people are telling me that my spouse is doing, be very, very careful.
Speaker 1:We've even had situations where people will come to us and say my counselor or therapist tells me that my spouse, I need to let him or her go because of the fact that he or she is a narcissist. I can't tell you how many times I've asked the question. How many sessions has your counselor had with your spouse and they say none. My counselor's never met my spouse and yet they're telling your spouse is a narcissist. Run, find somebody who's more professional than that, because that's just totally unprofessional. They can't diagnose somebody they've never seen, because if they're being just off what you say, that's secondhand information. So even counselors can give you bad information. Your neighbors, your friends can give you bad information because if they hear a rumor, they're likely to repeat it to you and make it sound like the biggest thing in the world.
Speaker 1:Now can some of that information be helpful? Maybe, but that's not what you really want to find clarity for, understanding your spouse, knowing what it is that he or she has as a weakness or a desire or a craving or a motive that you know because you've been with them for years. And when you stop and think about it oh, she's always wanted more affection, oh, he's always wanted to be treated with respect or whatever it might be Then you're beginning to understand something about that pull out there. And that becomes extremely important, because you see, I don't have time to go to the rest of the seven steps that you will find when you deal with one of our coaches. Our coaches will guide you through seven steps here I've just given you two. With one of our coaches, our coaches will guide you through seven steps here.
Speaker 1:I've just given you two, but have you heard enough already to understand that, if you can stop doing the things that are pushing him or her away and find out what it is that's pulling him and look into your own being and think what can I do to counter that pull? In other words, how can I create a pull instead of that one? And so, if he is leaving because he feels disrespected or she is leaving because she feels disrespected. Start treating them with respect every time you see them, any encounter you have with them whatsoever, and if you say, well, they're gone, I don't have any encounter with them at all, then you start treating everybody with respect. You say will that help? Yes, why Can't tell you the number of times we've heard people say I changed my behavior, I started doing the things I should have done all along and somehow my spouse that has no contact with me whatsoever found out about it and the next thing you know, they wanted to contact me again and we have seen those marriages get put back together and so you're going to create your own polls by being the best person you can possibly be.
Speaker 1:Now, can I explain that in a short video like this? No, but do we have that information? Absolutely, Can we teach you how to do that? Yes, we can, but you have to do the work. We can't give you the magic phrase or chant. We can't give you that, but step by step and I'm just giving you two, we have seven Step by step, we can give you these things where, if you do them, you dramatically, dramatically increase the likelihood that your spouse will come back Now, not immediately.
Speaker 1:We don't believe in magic, but we do believe in miracles. Is that something contradictory? It's not magic, it's not voodoo, it's not some vapor in the sky. It's a matter that every action has a consequence and if you change your actions, you will change the consequences. And so, ultimately, can one person save a marriage If you change you, where you remove the pushes, the things that he or she reacted to badly and as much as you possibly can as a human being, and then you increase the pulls, particularly having some idea of what's pulling him or her away not who, but what like. What are they looking for? Is it respect? Is it affection? Is it feeling loved, whatever it might be, and you manifest that not just toward that person, but in your life, toward your children, toward your friends and, in a very special way, toward your spouse.
Speaker 1:When and if you get that opportunity, is it possible to hear she will come back? It's more than possible. It becomes probable. We have watched it. We have witnessed it so many times over 30 years. I can't guarantee it, because he or she gets to make their own decisions, obviously, but I can tell you that the solution is not about trying to do something about him or it or whatever it might be.
Speaker 1:The solution starts with you. You might be thinking well, dr Beam, what do I do? You may have looked at our website. You may have talked to one of our people and found out. Good grief, dr Beam. You guys offer so many different things. I don't even know where to start. You have this and that and that and that, and we do, because over the years, as we've discovered more needs and more problems and more difficulties, we have added more information, more materials, more everything else, and even I get confused sometimes because we have so much out there. So we have come up with a way to make it simple, a way to start.
Speaker 1:We call it the Save my Marriage program. Now, if you want to enroll in that, I'll tell you how to do it in just a minute. It's the simplest way to start and it'll guide you to where you need to go. The first thing is it'll include the 12-week Save my Marriage course. I recorded that some time ago and it's not just me on video teaching you, but also you have PDFs that you can download and you can fill things in where you can think and process and those kinds of things, and we have had a lot of success with that 12-week video course. Now, obviously, you could do it all in one day if you wanted to, because it's all on video, but we recommend that you actually take 12 weeks to do it so you can think things through, figure out how they apply to you and how you can apply them to your life and to whatever interactions you do or don't have with your spouse.
Speaker 1:You also, though, will get access to a private online community, people who will be there, who are facing the same kinds of things that you are, people who will understand, and if you mess up sometimes which everybody does people can reassure you. Don't panic, you're human. There's a way past this. Don't give up. People who can understand, people who can help, and, beyond that, we have weekly training in that group with one of our marriage helper coaches.
Speaker 1:We have trained several coaches, and we actually continually train them. We also supervise them. Our coaches aren't just people that put a shingle out somewhere saying, hey, I'm now a coach. Call me, my life experience makes me very valuable and you should spend money with me and I'll tell you what to do with life. Our coaches aren't people out there operating on their own using their own wisdom, which might be good, but it's never good enough. Our coaches are people that we train and continually train and that we keep with our supervision, make sure they're focused on the right things. So they're good people and almost all of them have been through exactly what you've been through, and so when you come into that group once a week, there'll be a training done by one of our marriage helper coaches and we have some toolkits in there.
Speaker 1:Actually, we offer toolkits on a timely basis. If you're in the group for one month, you get one of those toolkits. Two months, you get another toolkit. Three months, another toolkit and you get those three bonus toolkits. Two months, you get another toolkit. Three months, another toolkit and you get those three bonus toolkits. You say why don't you just get them all to us at one time? Because we want to help.
Speaker 1:We're not just trying to sell you a product. We're trying to help you develop, to understand, to process and to literally become the best you that you can be, and all of this for just $49 a month. Now, based on how expensive things are in this world and this day and time, that is a bargain. You can do a yearly if you want to, for $499. And you say, well, wait a minute, I don't know if I want to spend $49 a month. It's certainly your choice. You do what you think is best for you.
Speaker 1:But try paying a counselor just $49 a month, or even some of those coaches out there that are good people trying to do good things but they really don't have adequate training and understanding. Try just paying them $49 a month. It's a good deal. It's a wonderful deal and we can help you grow and develop. And then, when you grow through this and you've gotten some great success with this, then we'll offer you other things that you can do that then you'll be ready for. So rather than confusing you with everything at once, we offer this simple, streamlined process for you to start learning how to be the best you that you can be. And if you want to get into that, let's go to marriage helper. That's marriagehelpercom slash membership Marriagehelpercom slash membership. Because you see, we don't offer magic, but we do offer miracles. But the miracles are extremely dependent upon you knowing what to do and you doing it. We'll talk more about those kinds of things in the next episode of Relationship Radio.
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