Relationship Radio: Marriage, Sex, Limerence & Avoiding Divorce
Relationship Radio: Marriage, Sex, Limerence & Avoiding Divorce
How To Find Peace In The Middle Of A Marriage Crisis
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Can a single decision shake the very foundations of your well-being? Join me, Dr. Joe Beam, as we navigate the turbulent waters of marital distress and explore its profound impacts on our lives. This episode uncovers the intellectual, emotional, physical, and spiritual challenges that arise when relationships are in crisis. We'll confront how panic and fear can lead to neglecting self-care and clouding our judgment. Through personal stories and insights, we aim to empower you with the knowledge to find peace amidst chaos and maintain your health in trying times.
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People call us every day from literally all over the world. Some communicate to us online through the Internet, and some just call our phones, including our toll-free numbers, because they're in so much pain. And one of the things we have discovered is this so many of these people, because their marriage is falling apart, their spouse has said I'm leaving you, this is over, that they're just kind of in panic mode, like what am I going to do? How am I going to live, how am I going to pay my bills? All kinds of things like that. So let me talk to you a little bit about this, if I may.
Speaker 1:How can you have peace within when things in your life that you care about, that matter to you, are falling apart? Hi, I'm Dr Joe Beam with Marriage Helper. Welcome to Relationship Radio. You see, peace is something that's inside of you. Now, sometimes we understand that people are having no peace because of what's happening around them at the moment. If I stepped into the middle of a bunch of rattlesnakes, I would have no peace because I'd be thinking, oh my goodness, they're about to bite me, I'm going to die, this is going to be terrible. And so we can understand people having no peace in certain situations and you say, well, couldn't you just the same understand? Well, people have no peace if they're in the middle of the person that I love, the person that I've been spending my life with, the person I care about so deeply, doesn't want to be with me anymore. Can't you understand how that a person in that situation would be feeling no peace? Well, sure, I definitely understand that, but at the same time, that agitation tends to cause people to make poor decisions and sometimes they will actually do things that cause harm to them physically, you say, well, what do you mean? Like they cut themselves? No, not necessarily that.
Speaker 1:I remember working with a couple oh, 30 years ago actually, 1994 was the year that I worked with them and she had lost, oh, almost all her weight. She was nearly as thin as skin and bones. And I asked her are you normally this thin? She said no. I said then we need you to eat. She said I don't feel like eating, I'm too nervous to eat, I'm too scared to eat. The man that I love is leaving me for another woman. I don't know what to do and I said well, I can tell you one thing to do eat, and eat healthy food. Don't just grab candy bars because they might be comfort food where the sugar can help you feel a little better because you're so distraught. But you need to eat or you're going to die, and that doesn't help anything.
Speaker 1:And so people can sometimes suffer physically because of the lack of peace they have with themselves. They can struggle intellectually. You say what do you mean? They can't, they can't think right anymore. Like they get in the car and they mean to go to the grocery store and the next thing you know they pull up at their church and they're thinking how did I get here? Or they have a job and they find that their boss is saying to them over and over again you didn't do this right, you messed that up. You're making all kinds of mistakes that we can't have. We can't tolerate these mistakes because they're costing us money. So you need to do it right. But their mind is so distraught, so mixed up in this.
Speaker 1:I don't know if it's true anymore, but back many, many years ago I was taught that if a fighter pilot in the Air Force was having great marital difficulty, they wouldn't let him fly. Now again, I don't know if that happens in this day or not, but that was way back when I was in college, and one of my professors taught me that and he said can you understand why they wouldn't let them fly? Because they're agitated. And because they're agitated they may make all kinds of mistakes which could result in them hurting somebody else, like other planes flying with them, or hurt themselves and destroy millions of dollars worth of airplanes. And so we just keep them on the ground while they're agitated. And so physically it can affect you.
Speaker 1:Intellectually it can affect you, where you seem like you can't think about anything other than this, and it just stays in your mind and goes over and over and over and over and over, and then emotionally, where the person begins to feel things like I can't live anymore, I can't handle this kind of pain. Maybe it's because I'm unlovable, there's just something wrong with me. And then they begin to think about the various times in their lives when people hurt them and did things to them and they're thinking it's me, it's me, there's something wrong with me, and they decide they can't love themselves. Well, it's not a conscious decision, it's a subconscious decision, but they begin to think I'm unlovable, I'm not lovely at all, and so all kinds of things emotionally can happen, or they become extremely bitter and angry or that no one wants to be around them, or they become the kind of people that are so irritable they're snapping at everybody, especially their children, and their children are paying a penalty that they don't need to pay and spiritually like well, if God doesn't make my spouse straighten up and come back and do right, then I don't believe that God's there anymore. I'm not going to church anymore, even though I used to go all the time. My church friends call me and miss me, but I'm not going there anymore because of the fact that it just doesn't make any difference.
Speaker 1:And so physically, intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, and if you're not a Christian, for example, if you're Jewish, if you're Muslim, whatever it might be that you begin to have problems with your faith because of the fact that it's like I'm all alone, can you find peace in the middle of all that? You can. You say, well, how can I do something to make myself found peace? Be careful with that, because some people will find peace in a bottle of alcohol. They'll drink the beer, not just a beer, a whole bunch of beers. Or they'll drink a lot of hard liquor or whatever it might be, until they finally just kind of become a zombie in a sense, where they're not thinking or feeling anything. Now it doesn't mean that they really have peace within. What it means is, at least at this moment I'm not feeling the pain because the way I have medicated my pain through this is somehow making me okay for the moment.
Speaker 1:Or they might be doing it with drugs it might be illegal drugs that they're getting off the street somewhere, or it may be that they've gotten three or four different doctors who don't know about each other, and these doctors are each writing prescriptions for Xanax or whatever it might be, and then they're going to four different pharmacies and getting these prescriptions filled and now they have a ton of Xanax. Several years ago I was working as a consultant with a chain of psychiatric hospitals where I'd fly from one to the next to the next helping them with various things, and I remember seeing an intake once where a lady she came to the hospital herself and they were interviewing her in a room and she said I think I need to be committed and they asked her why, and she had done exactly that. I don't remember if it was four or five different doctors, four or five different pharmacies, but she was taking Xanax like they were his, just right out of the dispenser, more and more and more. And as she was talking to us she was still agitated, nervous and like I've got to find peace somehow.
Speaker 1:But I know if I keep doing this I'm going to die and other people will try to find peace by just rebelling against anything and everything they've ever believed before. Like I've always been a good woman, I've always been faithful to my husband, I've never had illicit sex with anybody. But now, all of a sudden I'm going to sex clubs and I'm sleeping with as many different people as I can. Or I'm going to nightclubs and picking up as many different men as I can. One lady told me she said I actually walked the streets of Vegas trying to get somebody to pick me up. I wanted to. Actually, two different ladies told me that I walked the streets of Vegas trying to get somebody to pick me up and have sex with me, because then I would feel like that I have some value. I would feel like that I'm maybe lovable, at least I'm desirable. And so there are all kinds of different things people will do to try to find peace within.
Speaker 1:But here's the problem with all of those things, they're temporary. If you find peace at all, if that's a big if, if you find peace at all, it doesn't last that long. Peace at all, it doesn't last that long. And then when the sex, the illicit sex, is over, when the drug wears off, when you finally sober up and have that terrible hangover, you're right back where you started. And so if you seek peace that way, it's going to work against you. And oh, particularly ladies hear this If you're thinking that peace will come, if you just feel like somebody loves you and gives you value again, there are predators out there who can read that like crazy.
Speaker 1:They can see that in a woman. Oh, she's hurting, she's in pain, she feels lost, she wants somebody. And they'll come into your life and they'll use you physically, without a doubt, but because they're so slick and they know what into your life. And they'll use you physically, without a doubt, but because they're so slick and they know what they're doing, if you have any assets like money or property, they'll get that from you slowly, carefully, because they're really good at being predators. So then, how do you find peace if your marriage is in trouble? Then how do you find peace if your marriage is in trouble.
Speaker 1:Well, one thing I'd recommend is that you go to the podcast. It starts with attraction. It's done by my daughter, kimberly Beam Holmes, and you can find some things there that are some exercises to help you physically. But you see, physical is not enough just in and of itself. What really brings peace is faith. Now let me explain that before you go on good grief, the guy's going to get religious on us.
Speaker 1:Let's turn this to another video. Just stay with me a minute, if you will. Now, obviously, because of the fact that I am a Christian, then I would think faith in my Father, god, that the more faith in him I have, the more peace I can have. I'll come back to that in a minute, because you may not be religious whatsoever. So, faith in what else? Faith in you? No, not that you're God, don't try to replace him with you, that won't work but faith that you are lovely and lovable.
Speaker 1:You might be thinking well, dr Beam, you've never seen me. I'm just not that, dr Beam, you've never seen me. I'm just not that physically attractive. Hey, look at me, I'm not either. All my life I've been made fun of that. I'm ugly, literally from the time I was a little boy up until in my adulthood. Not too long ago I saw a guy I had not seen in probably 20 years and the first words out of his mouth you're uglier now than you've ever been. A good friend of mine who died a couple of years ago very close friend of mine every once in a while would say well, Joe, I know, and he would be dead serious. Joe, I know it's kind of rough to have confidence when you look like you do, and he was as serious as he could be.
Speaker 1:And so you don't have to be the most beautiful person on the planet, you don't. You don't have to be classically handsome or classically pretty, and some people are, and good for them, I guess, except for the fact that people who are extremely attractive, both male and female, have to worry about people who try to make relationships with them. Are they after my body? Are they after just being friends? And just like people who are very wealthy, people who are very pretty or handsome have to worry about people who want relationships with them. What is it that they really truly want? Look, you are fearfully and wonderfully made. You're a walking miracle in that sense. You have a mind and right now you might think, oh, I used to have a mind, but I don't have it right now. You do, it's in there. You have certain skills, you have certain abilities, you have certain talents.
Speaker 1:What I would recommend right now, if you're going to build some confidence in yourself, is sit down with a piece of paper and be as objective as you can and you sit down and you write out things that you know how to do well, well, like okay, I know how to teach. I'm a really good teacher, good. Or I know how to make friends. I'm really socially very friendly, good. Or I know how to, whatever it might have to be, whatever skills, whatever abilities you have, whatever skills, whatever abilities you have, write them down and look at them. And then, right over here, other things that you have. What do you have going for you physically that maybe other people don't have? Even if you're not like an Adonis or a Cinderella, what else do you have going for you mentally, physically, intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, all of those kinds of things. Write those things down. Like you know, I have a true relationship with my God. Whomever your God may be, I am truly helpful to other people. People love being around me because I'm so helpful to them. Write it down.
Speaker 1:And when you look at all those strengths and attributes, if you have some good friends who know how to be positive, that's them. Look, I'm not looking for negatives. I know everybody has negatives. I have enough awareness of my own negatives. I'm not looking for negatives. I know everybody has negatives. I have enough awareness of my own negatives. I'm asking you tell me positives you actually honestly see. Tell me about them. What are good things about me? And you build a little portfolio of skills and abilities, all the kinds of things, examples of where you've done good things, et cetera, et cetera. And you look at those and read them every day and say I'm not perfect, but I'm blessed. I'm not perfect, but I'm good. I don't have to be handsome, I don't have to be rich, I don't have to be the biggest and greatest singer on the planet, I don't have to be an author of famous books. I do good.
Speaker 1:You see, if you have confidence in yourself, you'll understand this. You have a future, even if your spouse never comes back. Now, I know it hurts and I'm not trying to get you ready to go without your spouse, but here's what you need to hear If you're going to have peace. You can't think just in terms of what's happening right now. You've got to think beyond that, outside, and and confidence. Confidence is extremely attractive. Now, again, arrogance is a turnoff, but confidence is powerful and if you believe in you, then start believing in the future. Yes, I'd love to get my marriage back. I'm going to do all the things I need to do to make that happen. But if God forbid, we can't put this marriage back together. I'm the whole package. Somebody would want to be with me, and whoever wants to be with me is not going to be concerned about how thin I am, how wide I am, how tall I am, how short I am, whether I can sing like a nightingale, whether I have an IQ of 150,. They're going to see the confidence in me. They're going to see the reality in me and that's going to attract me.
Speaker 1:A person just the same way, a person who is confident, who's not hung up on those things, who really understands what a true relationship is. Yeah, you see, focusing on the pain you have right now, you can't have any peace. But if you can focus on the good in you and I know it's there If you can focus on the good in you and the future you can have, even if your spouse doesn't come back, and how good that future will be. It will be. And there's a principle that like attracts like. And if you're that confident not arrogant, but that confident believe that much in yourself not because you think you're the one and only, but because of the fact that you know you've got good value You'll attract a person the same way, not a predator, not a whiner, not a loser, but somebody with the same kind of confidence. It doesn't matter about your somatotype, your body type, it doesn't matter about your IQ. It matters that you are a whole person that has something to offer and I'll guarantee you you do. Please write it down. So believe in the future.
Speaker 1:Faith, faith in yourself, faith in your future. And if you are a religious person, then faith in God. No, the God I worship is the one whose son is Jesus. That's the God I worship, and I'm not trying to deny that in any shape or fashion or form, because I am a very dedicated Christian. But in our religious book, what we call the Bible, it says that you can have peace. That passes understanding, meaning. It makes no sense to anybody else. How can you have peace in this situation? Well, because I also have faith in my father that he hasn't abandoned me. Nor will he. Even when I have screwed up royally, when I would think even he can't love me, he does. So, whether you have done terrible things where you think nobody can love you, there are people out there who can, who will be good for you, but it has to start with you loving yourself. Again, my religious book says we love others as we love ourselves. So you need to love yourself and faith in your future and, if you have a relationship with God, faith in him.
Speaker 1:In our workshop we don't talk about religion, but we do help you find faith in you and faith in your future. You see, we have this intense three-day workshop. You can go through it online with your spouse. You can come to Middle Tennessee, just south of Nashville, and go through it in an in-person version, and we'll have several couples in there who are also trying to find if they want to stay in their marriage and, if so, how do you get past what's happened so far?
Speaker 1:We'll have X number of reluctant spouses, which means that these will be people who will come into the in-person workshop but not to save the marriage. They came to get a better deal in the divorce or something that the other person's promised. We welcome them. We'll treat them with absolute respect. We're happy you're here. We're not going to twist any arms. We're not going to preach at you for my religion. We're just going to teach you a whole lot of things and we'll treat everybody with respect Everybody.
Speaker 1:And in that workshop you'll find out a lot about yourself Good stuff, oh yeah. You'll recognize some of the things you've done wrong. Welcome to the club. Everybody is there. We've all messed up, but you're also going to learn about the good stuff about yourself and the good stuff about your future. And in that particular workshop, people grow. It's just three days, but people grow tremendously. And I hope you come.
Speaker 1:You say, what if my spouse won't come with me? Then we have solo versions. We have an online solo version that both men and women are in, and occasionally we have an in-person version here in Middle Tennessee, just for men, just for husbands. We'd love to have you in either one of those. We'd love to have you in either one of those, because we don't want you to be messed up inside.
Speaker 1:We want to help you find peace, because that's what you're going to need if you're going to resolve your issues now and save this marriage. It's also what you're going to need if this marriage God forbid doesn't work, if you're going to have the future that you need. If you'd like to know more about that, please contact us through the internet. It's wwwmarriagehelpercom. That's marriagehelpcom. You'll talk to one of our representatives. It's a free call at this point. You call and they'll talk to you for 30, some of them will even spend more time than 30 minutes with you and they'll listen to your situation and they'll let you know what we have to offer and they'll tell you how we can help because, you see, we want to please stop living in misery. Let us help you find the peace inside of you, because that peace gives you strength for everything you're going to face for the rest of your life and give you happiness. I'm Dr Joe Beam. I'll see you in the next episode of Relationship Radio.
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