Relationship Radio: Marriage, Sex, Limerence & Avoiding Divorce
Relationship Radio: Marriage, Sex, Limerence & Avoiding Divorce
When Your Spouse Says "I Hate You" (Part 2)
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What happens in a marriage when one spouse says those three devastating words: "I hate you"? This powerful exploration takes us deep into the psychology of hatred in intimate relationships, revealing surprising truths about how love and hate function as parallels rather than opposites.
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Here's the third one over here. Of course, we're looking at them in the negative sense, and this is commitment. Now, it is not such the thing that passion is and that it's hot. As a matter of fact, commitment now has changed to rather than being committed to be with you, I have decided that I'm committed to be away from you, and he calls that a cold hate. It doesn't typically involve a lot of emotion, it tends to be more logical, and that cold hate is a decision not to be with you Now. By the way, if you've been keeping up with this all along and I'll give you some questions about this at the bottom just as well, when I get to the end of this, you may be measuring whether, like well, my spouse has the cool hate toward me, but I've seen no evidence of the hot hate toward me. Or you might be saying, oh, hot hate, that's definitely what I'm running into. I see it and it's extremely painful. Well, this is the cold hate that, if it's just by itself, I've just decided I don't want to be with you anymore, and it's not necessarily involving intimacy, not necessarily involving passion, but it's like I've made a decision I just don't want to be with you, then it's a cold hate.
Speaker 1:They're typically not manifesting a whole lot of emotions and it typically comes because they view you as being different than what they once thought. In other words, they typically wind up seeing you as being inferior. You don't have the intelligence I have. You don't have the worldliness that I have. That I think is important to function well in the world and in life. Or you don't, you don't, you don't, or I thought you were much more willing to learn and apparently you don't want to learn at all. I thought we had about the same level of intelligence, but if we do, you don't manifest it. In other words, they begin to look down on you and, in their judgment, you don't measure up anymore, and basically what it means is the story that they have in their mind about you has changed. The story they had in their mind about you that led them to fall in love with you and be in love with you has now changed to a story they have about you that you don't measure up. Either you're not who I thought you were to begin with, or grown and changed and you haven't, or you've changed in ways that I can't begin to be a part of and therefore I don't want to be with you because I look down on you. So maybe they think that you're not smart enough or that you're not pretty enough, or that you're not holy enough enough, or that you're not pretty enough or that you're not holy enough, and they no longer see you as their equal.
Speaker 1:And any old negative stories resurface, like remember 15 years ago when I caught you in that affair, and your response would be we dealt with that, we got past that, we've had a good life since then. And their response would be no, no, that's not it at all. It's come back and it's bothering me more than it ever had. And so it's in this cold hate that when you tend to hear about the things from five years ago, 10 years ago, even 25 years ago, because they resurface and so they have a very changed view of you, a very changed view of the relationship, and sometimes that can just be based on their fear of change. I suppose that you have been developing, you have been growing, you're becoming a better person because you've been learning and you've been practicing the things you learned, that you're practicing your religion in good ways and et cetera, and this person's kind of stuck where he or she was, and so the change they see in you may well have to do with the fact that they look down on you because deep down inside, they think maybe you're looking down on them, or deep down inside they begin to feel a little bit inferior to you and therefore the story they tell themselves reverses that and makes you inferior to them.
Speaker 1:Now, people in this particular situation often feel trapped and they want freedom. And it's not unusual for people in this particular situation, when they have this craving this commitment model in the negative sense, like I don't want to be committed with you, I don't want to have a connection with you anymore, I want to be away from you. Now, the other thing it had to do with being away from you as well, but this is a decision, it's a commitment to be away from you, a decision or commitment to be away from you, and as they do that, sometimes they'll devalue you to the point where they feel contempt for you. Now, contempt is one of the more difficult emotions to change, because it comes from the story they're telling themselves about you and about the way you relate to them, and they can make so convinced of that story that trying to turn it around can be a chore, but it can be done. And so cold hate has to do with devaluation. It has to do with diminishing you, of seeing you as somebody that's not worth their commitment anymore. So that's cold hate.
Speaker 1:We talked about hot hate. We talked about cool hate. Let me give you some of the questions they would ask. On this part, I cannot imagine that you will ever change, or I need to protect myself against you. You might be thinking well, dr Beam, could we possibly at some point get a list of those questions? Actually, you probably can find them on the internet if you want to look them up. They're by Dr Robert Sternberg and he's the guy who writes about this, and what you want is to find Sternberg's writings on hate, and you're going to find that he's going to tie them back together with his writings on love. Now he's researched both love and hate, and he doesn't just look at hate in the sense of one individual toward another. He also examines hate of one group toward another. Now, we're not going to get into that in this particular video, but do understand this that either of these hates, the one that's well, this is the cool hate, or the one that's this is the hot hate the one that's the cold hate.
Speaker 1:There are more combinations. So if you combine the cool hate with the hot hate, you actually get a kind of hate that he calls boiling boiling hate, which is a revulsion. Or if you combine the cool hate with the cold hate, he calls that simmering. It's a form of loathing, like, not only will I not be open and transparent with you, not only have I made a decision to be away from you. Therefore I loathe you, I look down on you terribly. Or if you combine the cold hate, which has to do with commitment, and the hot hate, which has to do with passion, he calls that seething. It's revilement. Like, even thinking about you makes me mad. So did I talk about them all Boiling hate, simmering hate, seething hate, as well as the others I talked about already.
Speaker 1:And if all three are very strong, the cool hate and the hot hate and the cold hate are all three very strong. That combination he calls burning hate strong. The cool hate and the hot hate and the cold hate are all three very strong. That combination he calls burning hate. And in burning hate it's like I need to annihilate you Now in some situations that will lead to physical violence like I need to murder you. I'm not saying your spouse is going to do that. That typically is more what you see between groups. Now sometimes in a marriage it will be that strong, although typically the annihilation here is I just need you completely out of my life. But I want to point out before I tell you how to overcome this that it can be exacerbated. That it can be exacerbated.
Speaker 1:Any of these kinds of hate can be exacerbated by other people. For example, we hear a lot my in-laws, and particularly my mother-in-law, or particularly my father-in-law, or particularly my sister-in-law or brother-in-law. My in-laws seem to hate me and they are feeding my wife's negative view of me. So other people can actually influence the story in your mind toward your spouse. And so if you've had some troubles, whatever it might be, and now your spouse is maybe back with the in-laws or maybe possibly even sitting with you, but having a lot of interaction and contact with the in-laws, if these in-laws, if, if they are painting a very negative story here, remember the time he said this to you, remember the time we saw him treat you this way. Remember the time we saw him treat you this way, remember, remember, remember. And they continue to feed negative stories that they have small experiences with and often don't even understand the context of, and they're putting those into your head and it becomes part of the story you buy into. So other people can exacerbate all of this negativity by the stories they're putting into your head or into your spouse's head, and it might not just be in-laws, it can be the affair partner putting negative stories about you into your spouse's head, exacerbating these negative feelings. It can be friends.
Speaker 1:One thing I have noticed over the years is if you have an angry wife who begins to hang out with a group of divorced women who are still angry toward their ex-husbands, the likelihood of divorce increases dramatically. You say why? No, I'm not quoting research, I'm just telling you my experience, so you can call this anecdotal if you wish. But why does it increase the likelihood of divorce? Because they not only will tell negative stories about her spouse, the woman who's hanging out with them, they'll tell negative stories about their spouse and apply it to her husband, like, yeah, this is what my husband did, and if he did anything, even in the ballpark, that's similar to that, it becomes part of her negative story about him. And so friends friends can really make this worse by the negative stories they're putting into their hands. Families, even counselors, can do this.
Speaker 1:I'll leave him unnamed because of the fact that I asked him do you have research on this? He said no, just my anecdotal experience. Therefore, I will not tell you who said it, except to say that he's famous and he's a well-renowned researcher and counselor for whom I have a lot of respect. And he said Joe, if you have an angry wife, go to an angry female counselor. It's one of the greatest predictors of divorce I've ever seen. In other words, if there's somebody who's going to feed more of that negative story, and after I've done all this, you might be saying, oh my goodness, there is no hope. I wish I hadn't watched this thing, because all you've done is convince me.
Speaker 1:There's no hope that my husband or my wife feels this up here, where it's a negation of intimacy. I don't want to be intimate in the sense of openness, transparency, trust, vulnerability, not toward you, nor you toward me. And there's also this, this hot anger over here because of the fact that they have all these negative emotions toward me and it could be fear, because they feel that I have been dictatorial or that I've been dangerous in some passion. Or it may be anger in the sense of I'm between them and somebody else and they wish that I weren't here, that I didn't exist at all. So they're angry at me and they try their best to get rid of me. You're no good, you're rotten, you need to get rid of me. You're no good, you're rotten, you need to get out of my life. Or it might be even the cold that they have decided that I am inferior, even if they themselves feel inferior. They've decided that I'm inferior and they're looking down on me and therefore I don't have any hope. Do I, dr Bean? Well, sure you do.
Speaker 1:I looked through and found an interesting study that was done, a doctoral dissertation actually and I found it really, really interesting in the sense that it was done where it was like how do people get past this and can they get beyond it? Now, as soon as I read I'm just going to read you a little bit of the abstract of this doctoral dissertation how do people get past this and can they get beyond it? Now, as soon as I read I'm just going to read you a little bit of the abstract of this doctoral dissertation and as soon as I read the abstract I thought I've witnessed this, I've seen this so many times I don't even need to read all their research to validate this. I've seen it so many times that I just I know it's true because we've dealt with thousands and thousands and thousands of couples and many of them have felt hate. I remember one couple that came to one of our workshops and when she walked in the door on Friday morning, that woman was dripping venom. I mean I was kind of afraid to get between her and anything, thinking oh my goodness, she's so mad, she'll kill everybody in here, if not physically, at least verbally. She's going to assault everybody in here and, by the way, she did. And there's no hope, no hope. She said this man is evil, he's terrible. And by Sunday afternoon, the third day of the workshop, they were holding hands and hugging each other and she's in love with him again. It didn't happen overnight, but it started almost that fast. So you've witnessed these things so many times I can't count. Or where the man was so angry and hurt because of what the wife had done say maybe he'd been involved with another man or she'd started gambling and he didn't know about it and she'd wasted away all their money or whatever. It might be that I'm here because of the fact that she offered me a deal on the divorce if I came. But you need to know right now this is not going to work. I hate this woman. Thank you for being honest. Glad you're here, please participate. Who on Sunday afternoon when the workshop ends, looks me in the eye or whoever our leader is at the time and says you know what I can see my part in all this? I'm not ready to put it all back together right now, but I'm sure ready to learn a lot more so we can figure out how to put it together back now and that are today pretty much in love with each other again.
Speaker 1:And when I left Dallas for that little woman way back in the mid-1980s, before a lot of the people listening and viewing were even born, I hated her. She was between that woman and me just by the very fact that she still existed. So intimacy stopped way back. I never tell the name of the other woman. I just call her Sally Sue, because all of my intimacy, my openness, transparency and vulnerability, it was always Sally Sue and the craving for oneness was toward Sally Sue and my commitment was developing toward Sally Sue we're going to marry each other after our divorce and we're going to live happily ever after all that kind of stuff. And so my negation of intimacy toward Alice became very strong, my hot hate, the passion very strong, because she was standing between me and Sally Sue just by existing. My cold hate in the sense of I'm now looking down on her. In my mind Sally Sue is the greatest thing and in my mind Alice is terrible, which was not logically true or factually true, but definitely true in my mind. And I hated her literally by all these definitions. And yet today we've been married. At this recording we're coming up on 38 years in the second marriage. She's my best friend and I love her very much.
Speaker 1:Now you might be thinking okay, get to the doctoral dissertation. You're kind of varied off there a little bit. We want to know. Well, a study was done and the first thing they would measure with people who said I hate my spouse is what did you feel when you hated your spouse? What happened, what was going on? And it pretty much tied back to everything we've been talking here and in that. Then the second thing was okay, these were people that had actually put their relationships back together, and it was like resolution of hate. And what they found was this. Let me read it for you.
Speaker 1:Okay, it appears from these results and I can verify because I've seen it so many times it appears from these results that as people learn to see the object of their hate from a different perspective, they're able to resolve their hate and, in some cases and I've seen it in many cases to restore a meaningful relationship to the objects of their former hate. What do you mean? Typically, what they did was, somewhere along the line, they went back and looked at why. What was this hate comprised of? Was it the cool hate, where I withdrew intimacy? And if so, what was my part in that? Was it the hot hate, in that I wanted to be away from them emotionally? Okay, then, what was my part in that? If it was the cold hate, where I began to look down on them with disgust and contempt, what was my part in that? And as they reconsidered those things, then whatever it was that the other spouse did because never is the other spouse perfect They've done some things to contribute to all this, but those things became trivial in the sense that it was not nearly as big a deal as I thought it was, or it became quote, justified end quote, not saying that it was right, good or holy.
Speaker 1:But I see now how that happened. I see now why that happened and I can see whatever part, if any, that I played in it and that I have seen again and again and again, and all the people that work with us that work with marriages have seen again and again and again. It's like I now reframe what happened. I still know that my spouse committed adultery, or I still know that my spouse gambled away the money, but now I have a different picture of it because I'm seeing it through a different light and either it wasn't as big a deal as I thought it was obviously adultery and gambling all that money away are big deals, but some other things aren't as big as I thought they were or, because I now see it through light, I understand what led my spouse to do that, even if my spouse was wrong, and then, by being able to forgive, they were able to put the thing back together.
Speaker 1:You say, well, okay, how do I do that? Okay, number one, if you have been contributing in any of these ways, for example, if when your spouse tried to be open and transparent and vulnerable with you, tried to tell you what he or she felt or thought or believed or did. And you can look back now and say, oh my goodness, I was always correct here. Like you shouldn't feel that way, or I can't believe you did that. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Or really, aren't you more? If you know you've played a part in that, then accept it, learn from it. Now you don't need to go running to your spouse right now and saying, hey, it's my fault, you did this. As a matter of fact, I don't know that I would ever advise anybody, in any situation, just to say it that way, because you just give your spouse more evidence that you're no good. So there are different ways to do that than just running out and confessing everything, although we want you to tell the truth. But there's a right way to do that. But right now let me just say it this way you need to accept internally in your own mind, your own heart hey, I did this.
Speaker 1:Now, once you have identified those things, stop doing them. If you still have interaction with your spouse, don't do those anymore. If your spouse starts telling you about how much she's in love with Charlie. Acknowledge it. Acceptance is acknowledging reality. I understand that you love Charlie. Now, don't endorse it, don't encourage it, don't say, well, I don't blame you, charlie's a heck of a guy. Don't do that. Don't encourage it. Like, well, why don't you guys take the guest bedroom for a couple of weeks and see if you can work this thing out? Don't do that. But you can acknowledge reality, like I understand. I understand that's how you feel right now.
Speaker 1:And if he or she says something to you, like you know, you hurt me when you did such and such If indeed you really did that you say I know that now I'm sorry. Don't keep saying I'm sorry because again you'll begin to frame yourself as a really, really weak or bad person. If she brings it up or he brings it up again, you can say something to the effect of I'm so happy, I know better now. If they bring it up again later, you can say I never want to hurt you again If they bring it up. In other words, stop saying you're sorry. In other words, stop saying you're sorry, because you'll paint yourself as being a sorry person and no good person.
Speaker 1:But what you do is that you stop doing anything that you did wrong and, even if you didn't do very much wrong, start being much better at doing things right, so that if you ever have opportunity to have a conversation with your spouse, don't demand it, don't push for it, don't drag for it, don't drag for it, but when they start being open and honest and transparent about what they feel, listen, validate. I understand that you feel that way, really, really, and she says I never want to see you again. You can reply with I can understand why you feel that I hope that you do see me again, but I can understand why you feel that way. So, again, you're not endorsing it Like I don't blame you, I wouldn't want to see me again either. That's an endorsement. I'd say I understand that. I hope that you do see me again. I understand that I hope that you do see me again. But I understand you're hurt, I understand your pain and so you're undoing things you did before.
Speaker 1:You say what's the basic point here? Dr Beam? Change the story about you. Now for those of you who are thinking well, that's really good news. But here's my problem I don't have access to my spouse anymore. We don't have children, so we don't have any interaction. She lives way over there, I live way over there. Or he lives way over there, I live way over there. What am I going to do? You change the story about you. Even if you have no access to the other person, don't try to force it. Don't try to set it up that you have access to them. Yes, wherever you are, whatever you're doing, you change the story about you. Stop whining, stop complaining, stop feeling sorry for yourself. You become the best person you can possibly be.
Speaker 1:You can go to our YouTube channel, go to youtubecom slash marriagehelper that's like marriagehelper, you are a marriagehelper and there's all kinds of things there you can find about what we call PIS Physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual so you can become the best that you can possibly be. And then you learn about what we talk about over there called acceptance. There are well over a thousand, almost two thousand. I just looked at our producer over there Almost two thousand videos there that are000. I just looked at our producer over there Almost 2,000 videos there that are free. I do some of them. Kimberly Holmes, our CEO, does some of them. We have some other people do some of them, but free resources and you learn how to change the story about you to the people that you interact with, so they begin to see you as better. And you can do that through working the pies and working the acceptance. You're not manipulating. You're becoming better.
Speaker 1:You change the story about you, but my spouse may never know that it changed. That's possible, but opportunities come to those people who are prepared for it. Did I say that well enough? Do you understand? Opportunities come to those people who are prepared for it. So, if ever you're going to have a shot at putting it back together, it's because you have changed who you are.
Speaker 1:You might be saying but heck, it's not my fault, it's what he did. I'm not the one that caused this, he's the one that had the affair. I understand, and there are people on the one that caused this. He's the one that had the affair, I understand. And there are people on the internet that just attack me like crazy because I don't suggest ways to punish the person who did the bad stuff. But it's not my job to punish. Do I agree that what they did was right? No, do I think what they did was wrong? Yes, Then why don't you want to beat them up? My job is not to beat people up my job's to help people put their marriages back together, if that's what they choose to do, and so you'll learn to forgive, in the sense that you're not going to bring up all those negative things again.
Speaker 1:You're going to change the story about you when it comes to being intimate, open, transparent, vulnerable, and you start with the people around you who matter to you. You're going to change the story with you about passion, in the sense that you're going to be a person that other people want to spend a lifetime with, that they crave oneness for you, and you do that by becoming the best person you can physically, intellectually, emotionally, spiritually and learning how to accept. And you learn how to live up to commitments. And as that story about you changes and you can, then after a while don't push it, don't force it, but after a while, the other person, if they still have some knowledge of you, some interaction with you and or your friends, they're going to begin to notice that after a while Will the hate go away? Yes, how do you know? Mine did.
Speaker 1:I love Alice. Now, as a matter of fact, you made things crazy, but the day I called her and asked her if she would take me back. She said you fall in love with me. Did you fall in love with me again? To which I replied not yet, but hey, at least I don't hate you anymore. I've made progress.
Speaker 1:You say you really did that. Yeah, I did. Then why did she take you back? That's another story for another time. Let's just put it this way I had changed my story to a really good story. Now. I had to go through a man-made hell to get there, but I changed it to a good story and she heard and saw that good story and that's when she thought I'll risk it, I'll marry him again, and I think it's going to make it. We're coming up on 38 years in that second marriage at the time of this recording. So I think she made a good choice and she thinks she did too.
Speaker 1:Do you hear the point? You change this story about you by becoming open and transparent and vulnerable, by becoming the kind of person people would crave to be with, and that you make a decision that you're going to be loyal and true to whoever matters to you. And as you change that story and the other person begins to see it, then if they open a door, we would strongly recommend that you contact us. You say why? Because doing all this on your own pretty hard. It can be done, but it's kind of difficult. So let the professionals help you. And you can contact us by going online to marriagehelper. That's marriagehelpercom slash call and you can schedule there a free 15 minute visit with one of our advisors who can help you understand what we can help you do. And if you want to go further, they'll give you access to one of our specialists who can even look deeper into that with you to help you know what we can do to help you do it. And if your spouse will ever at some point agree to come, I hope he or she comes to that three-day intensive workshop we do. You can find out a lot more about that by just going to our website at marriagehelpercom.
Speaker 1:And, trust me, in the 30 years I've been doing this, we have helped thousands upon thousands, upon thousands of people, even the ones whose spouses said I hate you with all my heart. I would never be in the same room with you again. I hope I never see you. I hope you drop dead. We're now happily married to each other. Oh, we don't do it. We just help people find a way to do it. So don't leave this as having no hope. The reason I went into such great detail is so you can know that there are different kinds of hate, so you can know that whatever your spouse is saying to you may be true or false, but either way you can understand where it's going on and therefore you know what to repair in you. If not repair, at least make stronger in you, because there's always hope. There is always hope.
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