Relationship Radio: Marriage, Sex, Limerence & Avoiding Divorce
Relationship Radio: Marriage, Sex, Limerence & Avoiding Divorce
How To Ask Your Spouse To Work On The Marriage With You
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You want to save your marriage, but your spouse doesn’t seem interested. What now?
In this powerful episode, Kimberly Beam Holmes and Dr. Joe Beam walk you step-by-step through how to approach your spouse about working on the marriage—even if they’ve checked out, are asking for a divorce, or are involved with someone else.
You’ll learn how to:
- Overcome the fear of asking your spouse for help
- Avoid common mistakes that push your spouse further away
- Use a proven, non-manipulative framework to invite your spouse to a Marriage Helper workshop
- Understand and validate your spouse’s objections—while staying calm, confident, and respectful
- Identify your spouse’s true motivations (even ones you don’t agree with) and speak to what matters most to them
Plus, discover how to navigate tricky objections like:
- “I don’t believe in counseling”
- “This won’t fix anything”
- “It’s too expensive”
- “I just want the divorce”
Whether your spouse is emotionally distant, hostile, or seemingly indifferent, this video gives you the tools and confidence to take the next right step without manipulation or pressure.
If you're struggling in your marriage, don’t wait. Get our FREE resource: The 7 Steps to Rescue Your Marriage 👉 https://marriagehelper.com/free
📞 BOOK A CALL WITH OUR TEAM: https://marriagehelper.com/call
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Glad to have you on today as we talk about how you can approach your spouse and talk to them about getting marriage help with you and, specifically, hopefully, asking your spouse to go to one of Marriage Helper's workshops. I am really excited to be with you today. My name is Kimberly Holmes. If we haven't met before. I'm part of our team here at Marriage Helper and I'm joined today by the legendary, the great, the infamous and famous Dr Joe Beam.
Speaker 2:Which do you think I am more infamous or famous? Which one do you think?
Speaker 1:Which one do you want to be more of? I think that's the question.
Speaker 2:I don't know, Maybe when I was younger I might've been famous, but a lot of things have changed since then.
Speaker 1:When I was younger, I might have been famous, but a lot of things have changed since then. Well, we are excited today to walk all of you who are joining us, through how you can get out of this place of limbo that you might feel stuck in of. I want to save my marriage. My spouse doesn't. I'm scared to ask them, or I don't know how to ask them. I'm scared that if I do ask them, they'll say no, what can I do to move forward? And that's what we're going to be working with you all today on how you can do that.
Speaker 2:Yeah Well, I see that you're outgrowing your Southern roots. You said you all, rather than y'all.
Speaker 1:Oh, I would never outgrow my Southern roots. Don't say such a thing.
Speaker 2:Okay, do you want to put up the first page of the PDF? Can you do that, or should I go look for it?
Speaker 1:Nope, I have got it. As I'm getting this ready to put up, I would love for people to share with us where they're joining from and how long they've been a part of the Marriage Helper community. How long you've known about Marriage Helper we can see you all in the chat, so would love to love to hear more of you. So we have Kevin from Nashville right here in our backyard who has been a part of or have known about Marriage Helper for about three months. We have people on from Berlin or from Sydney, connecticut, orlando, more Australia, virginia, utah, north Carolina, ohio, denmark, oklahoma, san Diego and a lot of people all over the board People who said they've been here for or have known about marriage helper for a month, for a couple of weeks, for a couple of months, all across the board.
Speaker 2:And so Austria. I see Thomas Zillinger is from there, and I can't quite figure out how to pronounce those words up on one of his statements. Would that be even in the ballpark, Thomas, or did I miss it so far that nobody could understand it?
Speaker 1:I wouldn't know. We'll have to wait and see what he says.
Speaker 2:See what he says about him. Okay, and so if we start this here, is there any way to center that? Just so it's only showing the document itself. Okay, what I want to walk you through in this document is very free. We can send it to you. As a matter of fact, kimberly, is there a way to put a link to it in this recording so people can get it on their own, or do we have to send it by email or how? What would be the best way to do this?
Speaker 1:I'm going to try. Hold on, let me reshare it one more time, okay, and then I'm going to be manning the chat, so if people are having questions about it, I'll get it figured out.
Speaker 2:Okay, all right. So let me go through this, because we wrote this some time back and let me just tell you to begin with that if you're not willing to actually write your answers in this document and we're glad to give you a free copy of this document If you're not really willing to write your answers in this document, then you won't have the value that you could have otherwise. You see, all of us think one way, but when we write, we can actually think much more logically, because writing uses more of our mind and it'll make us come up with things that we wouldn't have thought of otherwise. Because if I'm just thinking in my mind okay, this is the way I'm going to do that, doom, doom, doom it's not really making me think necessarily of other things I need to consider in the process. But if I'm writing it down, often we'll see something and say, oh yeah, I need to deal with that too, and so I'm going to beg you that, once you get this document, that you actually write within it. Now, for those of you who do not have a printer, if you'll let us know, if you'll email us back at info at marriagehelpercom and say wait a minute. I want that, but I don't have a printer. I tell you what we can do. This afternoon we will make a fillable version of this, which means that we can send it to you and you can actually type your answers into it right there on your computer. And so, for those of you who can't print it out, we'll make another version of it where you can actually type your answers in. But the point is, I'm begging you right off the bat please don't just read it and think of your answers. Please either write or type your answers.
Speaker 2:Now notice here it says essentials to remember at the very beginning, when it says essentials to remember three things to do. Now, kimberly, I can't handle this, so you have to come down with it. Okay, so the three things? Whoops, there you go, three things to do. Number one is be sure and when I say sure, I mean sure Be sure that you want to come to the workshop, because if you're half-hearted about it and you want to ask your spouse to come to it, you're not going to do a very good job. As a matter of fact, it's going to come across as half-hearted and he or she is going to understand that you're really not all interested in yourself and therefore it's very easy to say no. And so before you ever ask your spouse, you need to think it through Now. If you have more questions about the workshop, if you understand more about what it does, we have many videos on our YouTube channel. It's youtubecom slash marriagehelper all one long word. Or you can go to marriagehelpercom slash call and set up an appointment with one of our workshop specialists who can help you understand what happens in the workshop and if it can be of advantage to you or not. But make sure that you're sold on it first before you ask. That's the first thing.
Speaker 2:Now the second thing in asking, you must and this is essential, you must remain calm and rational, no matter what reaction you get from your spouse. If they act angry, you're still calm and rational. If they ask perturbed, you're calm and rational. If they get excited, you're calm and rational. If they act angry, you're still calm and rational. If they ask perturbed, you're calm and rational. If they get excited, you're calm and rational. If they get emotional, you're calm and rational. No matter what they do, you must be calm and rational, because if you're going to be in control of yourself and therefore to some degree in control of the situation. You have to have that calmness. Calmness indicates strength, it indicates confidence, it indicates assurance, and if you can't be calm and rational when you do it, you're probably not ready to do it yet.
Speaker 2:And then the third is this try to understand your spouse's emotions and try to validate what they feel. So, for example, if your spouse were to say to you that's like counseling I've tried counseling before, I don't want to go to counseling again your response would be something like this First you validate it. Yeah, I know you tried that and I know it was not good, that you didn't like it at all, and I certainly understand that. In other words, right here, you want to be on their side of the table. What I mean is not that you're across the table trying to convince them of something, but sitting beside them on their side of the table, at least metaphorically, where that you're on their side and they understand that. And so you validate their feelings.
Speaker 2:If they say I don't know if I can sit still for three days to go to one of these workshops, you're going to validate it. Like I understand, you do a lot to get up and walk around and it kind of bothers you to be in one place that long. I get it, and so I'm not arguing against that. Here's the good news you don't have to sit still for three days. You actually can get up and walk around. Plus, they change topics pretty fast, and so it's interesting. But I am definitely understanding what you feel about this. Or if they say good grief, I can handle my own problems, I don't need somebody else to help me Still validates their emotions. You know what. You're very good at solving problems and you're very good at taking care of things, and I agree with you on that. But you know we're facing something that we never faced before, and having some outside help could be of advantage. So, whatever their emotions are, don't disagree with them, don't put them down, don't tell them that they're wrong. Listen to them, affirm their emotions, validate them and then move on from there.
Speaker 2:Now, when you prepare your request and come on down Kimberly, if you will, here please when you prepare your request now, what this document does? It's going to give you five steps to prepare your request, and it's important that you write down your answers. I've already talked about that. I'm going to say it again right now, because writing your answers. It will lead you to think more clearly and it will dramatically increase the likelihood of receiving a positive response from your spouse. All right, so let's go to the next page, kimberly Now. The next page is full of questions, and these five steps this is the first one that are questions for you. You say, well, if they're for me, then I don't need to write down my answers. Yes, you do. It's going to help you get a good insight into yourself, and that's going to be important if you really want to ask your spouse to come. Okay, so, right here in that first section, right here, why you want to attend a workshop.
Speaker 2:Now, when you write your notes here, be specific and give every reason that is important to you. And you might be saying why do I need to do that? I'm not going to be telling my spouse all those things. No, no, you're not going to be telling your spouse all those things. As a matter of fact, it might be unwise for you to tell your spouse all those things, but this is to help. You know, I'm really committed to wanting to do this and I'm really committed to asking my spouse about it, and it really is important to me so that if you get the shakes, if you get a little bit afraid, got a little trepidation, a little anxiety, and think, well, maybe I'm not going to do this right now, you come back and you look at the section here where you've written things down and this is telling you why you're doing it. Because each one of us at some times, what we overcome with anxiety or trepidation, that's just part of life. But to keep yourself from backing out, to keep yourself motivated, to keep yourself focused on what you need, you come back and you read your answers you wrote right here and that will fire you up all over again like this is worth it. I know why I'm asking, and this is enough motivation to keep me to do it.
Speaker 2:Now. Look at the second question there. What doubts or fears, if any, do you have about attending the workshop? Be specific. It's better to think those through now than to find yourself vacillating later. So, kimberly, can you scroll down a little further for me please on that document? Okay, now, back up just a hair. Oh, right there, thank you. And so you're writing that there Now, if you find yourself having any fear of consequence I mean the fear you have is consequential, let me say it that way.
Speaker 2:Then you go back and you call a person that you've been working with at Marriage Helper your workshop advisor and you talk to him or her and you say, hey, I came up with this fear and I don't know how to deal with this, and talk to them about it so that they can work you through it, help you understand what the fear is, help you understand if the fear is valid or not, and maybe just be able to help you allay the fear by explaining more things to you about the workshop. And you go oh, oh, now that I see that I'm not worried about that anymore. And again, you need to deal with these before you ask your spouse. If you have any fear, any hesitation about the workshop, write them down right here. And if you can't work them out on your own head, please call back the workshop advisor that you've been working with, whoever he or she may be, and talk to them. Now, if you haven't had a workshop advisor yet, what you do is you go to Marriage Helper that's marriagehelpercom and then you type in the word call and you can set up an appointment with one of our advisors about the workshop. But if you're already working with an advisor. Stick with him or her, because they've already heard many things about your story, they know things about you and you will spend much wiser time dealing with a person that's already been helping you than to start afresh. But if you have nobody, then do this marriagehelpercom slash call.
Speaker 2:Now the next is what is your level of belief that the workshop will be of value to you and, hopefully, to your marriage? Now assess it realistically. If you think, well, okay, I've heard that this workshop has like a 70% success record in helping people stay together. So I guess that's my level of belief, that I have 70% of belief that this thing can work, okay. Or you might say, hmm, I have read because I've read testimonies from people who've been to the workshop that even those marriages that don't make it, the people who've been to the workshop, that even those marriages that don't make it, the people that have been to the workshop rave about how much it helped them and how much it has made their life better, helped them to.
Speaker 2:Sometimes they say it this way you've helped me stay sane, and sometimes they've said it this way even though my spouse decided that he or she is going to leave the marriage. Because we cannot guarantee you that the workshop will save the marriage. We know that it does in a huge percentage of the time, but we can't guarantee you that it will save the marriage. And some people then say, well, okay, my spouse decided to leave, but because of this workshop, my life is better, I'm better, I'm balanced and sane, and if I want another relationship, I know how to look for it and how to develop it and how to be with somebody that I will be very compatible with, so that we can have a great marriage together. And so your belief system there might be 100%. I believe that going to this workshop is going to help me, no matter what.
Speaker 2:Now, if it's 20%, you're not ready to ask your spouse about coming to it. The closer to 100% you are, the more you are in the position to be ready to ask your spouse, because you know in your heart, you know, that while it has a really good chance of helping you save your marriage and we pray that it does save your marriage but if God forbid it doesn't that you're going to benefit from it so much in your own life, it's going to be worth it to you. And then the last part down here, based on your answers above. How strong is your resolve to request your spouse attend a workshop with you? Now? It's important that you write your answer here because, again, if you get a little anxiety, a little fear, a little trepidation, you're going to come back and read this whole page and particularly what you write right here, because it's going to help you know. Yes, yes, this is worthwhile, this is worth doing Now. If you do this, then your likelihood of getting your spouse to say yes increases dramatically. We've been doing this 30 years. I can guarantee you that if you do this, it increases the likelihood that your spouse will agree and come dramatically, because much of what's going to happen here is what's inside of you, what you're thinking, what you're feeling and where you are All right.
Speaker 2:Now, as we move into the next page, we started in the phase two. Here we're going to talk about how you deal with your spouse. Now, understand, we never, ever, encourage you to manipulate your spouse. Don't do that. Be straight up, be clear Don't manipulate. People hate being manipulated. I know there's some websites out there that encourage people to do manipulative things to get their spouse to come back, and whenever I see one of those, I always think well, if you've got to manipulate them to come back, how are you going to keep them back? Continue to manipulate them? No, that's not good, that's not good at all. And so what we're saying here is this don't manipulate, don't lie. Whatever you do, don't fudge, don't make things sound better than they are. You're going to deal with reality and you're going to deal with your spouse as an equal, where you're being absolutely truthful in everything you do or say Now, once you understand that, now here's the second step.
Speaker 2:You need to think about what are the motivations that your spouse has. And you say motivations, motivations that might motivate them to want to attend the workshop. And so look what it says here In the left-hand column. Write things that you believe would motivate your spouse to attend, things that you believe would motivate your spouse to attend. Now, that might be things like well, my spouse wants closure, okay. Or my spouse wants to have better co-parenting Well, we can guarantee you that the relationship principles that we teach in this workshop will help you co-parent better, even if your marriage splits up. Or maybe you'll offer them something in a divorce that they want Now.
Speaker 2:Don't do that unless you're really willing to give it up Like well, he wants that painting and I want that painting. We're disagreeing over it. Well, you might say, hmm, if you come to the workshop it's three days and participate all three days, if we wind up divorcing, you can have the painting. Now again, don't do that unless you're willing to give up that painting. Don't do that If later you do wind up divorced and you wind up feeling that you've been taken advantage of because you've given away that painting. So don't do it with something you're not willing to part with. It might be a painting, it might be an amount of money, it might be a painting, it might be an amount of money, it might be the pet, it could be any number of things that they want that you don't want to give up, but that you'd be willing to give up if they will come to the workshop. Now my recommendation would be this If you do that, you don't give it up immediately.
Speaker 2:You say, if you come to the workshop with me and participate, you've got to participate. This is only if you participate while you're there. Then if two weeks after the workshop you still wanted a divorce, then I will give you that thing, something like that, not the next day, but a week away, two weeks away, three weeks away, whatever you think will work best there, Because sometimes people don't walk out of the workshop ready to handle everything. Sometimes they walk out of the workshop and they need a little time to process. Now, by the way, if you have any questions that you want to make sure we answer in this, if you go over there where it says Q&A and click Q&A, you can start typing in questions or comments or rebuttals like wait a minute, dr Beam, I really didn't understand that. Or wait a minute, dr Beam, I don't think that'll work, or whatever it might be. Now Kimberly will actually be dealing with any questions and comments you type in over there in the Q&A. Okay, kimberly, are you already doing that in the chat?
Speaker 1:Yes, people are actively asking questions right now, some of them which we'll get to later.
Speaker 2:Okay, so they don't need to go to the Q&A. You're doing it all in the chat, is that right?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I can do both though.
Speaker 2:Okay, you can do it in the chat or in the q a. Okay, all right. Um now, yeah, you're right. I looked at this by thomas summers. You're right, we don't have it right now where that you can type in the pdf. I have to make another version that you can type in, hopefully when you you print it out we do have it, shared it. Okay, I'm saying it's not working.
Speaker 1:then yeah, I see that. I'll work on the scenes behind it If someone could share with us if it is working, so that we know that it might be working for some, because some people have said it is.
Speaker 2:So it's working for some and not for others, is that correct?
Speaker 1:Yeah, several people saying it's working for them, so we'll figure it out.
Speaker 2:He's in Austria, if I saw that earlier correct. We'll get it figured out for you, all right. So what you're going to do here in this thing and if you can print it out and do it by hand, that's even better Writing by hand uses more of your brain than typing. It really does, believe it or not. What you're going to do is you're going to write over here in the left-hand side, a potential motivation that will motivate them to want to come to the workshop with you. And so over there in that left-hand column, you might write better parenting. You might write they get the dog. You might write whatever it might be that they would be motivated.
Speaker 2:Now, in the right-hand column and this is extremely important what you're going to write down is how they benefit. So you're going to write everything you can think of as to why the item in the left-hand column is important to your spouse. Okay, better parenting is important to my spouse because he or she loves the children. It's going to be important to my spouse that he or she get the painting because, well, she owned the painting before we got married. She's loved it since she was a child. Or she really, or he really wants to have closure right now so he or she can move on with his or her life. Whatever you're going to do when you write the motivation on the left, on the right-hand side, you're going to write everything you can think of as to why that item in the left column is important to your spouse. And remember motivation is always based on how they benefit, not how you benefit. People do things for their reasons, not your reasons.
Speaker 2:Now, although, as I say that it could be that the motivations with some spouse is, my spouse knows he or she has hurt me and would like to make amends to some degree, and so you might put over here in the left-hand column my spouse wants to make things better with me, even though he or she is moving off, not going to be with me anymore. My spouse wants to do something to help me before he or she leaves. Something like that, if that's true, you're going to put in the left-hand column. In the right-hand column you're going to type how they're going would benefit you, and so some of you will actually be able to say to your spouse I'm the one who needs closure.
Speaker 2:I'd like to know what happened so that if I'm ever in another relationship. I can make sure that it doesn't happen again. And if you'll go to this three-day thing with me, we're going to learn a lot about relationships, a lot about marriage, and I need to know that to move on with my life. Will you do that for me? And if that person is motivated to want to do something nice for you, then that becomes an important person or important reason over there. Okay, unless you have more questions about that right now, I'm going to move on to the third step.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there's a couple that have come up. Okay, so I'm going to start with Shannon's question. Okay, how do you convince your spouse that this will help with closure? Because, it's easy to see, the main point is reconciliation. So if they're against reconciliation, then how can you help them understand that this workshop is good for closure?
Speaker 2:Okay, it's good for closure in a couple of ways. First of all, you can reassure them that while we explain how to reconcile, if you choose to do so, that we don't try to twist anybody's arm. We don't try to manipulate ever. We don't try to force anybody, make anybody feel guilty or anything else. From the minute the workshop begins, we start making statements. We respect your right to make your decisions about your marriage. We won't try to manipulate you to stay married. We won't try to force you to stay married. Whatever you choose to do is your decision. And then another thing we'll say is because some people have looked up Dr Beam and seen that he's written religious books, you might be afraid that we're going to preach at you, and we'll tell you right now, just like we respect your right to make your decision about your marriage, we respect your right to make your decision about what you believe or what you don't believe. It's your choice and we're not going to try to control that or manipulate that at all. So how do you get closure? Getting closure is understanding how did the things occur that drove us apart. Getting closure is understanding how did the things occur that drove us apart. Getting closure is in another relationship, if we choose to have it, or in this relationship, if we choose to continue it. Here's how we would keep those things from happening or repair those things when they do so. The closure comes that when you get to the end of the workshop, each of you has a good idea about what happened. How did we get to where we are and how, in a new relationship with each other or anybody else, how can we keep those things from happening again? And, if they do, how can we repair those before they become major? And that's how we get closure.
Speaker 2:And so, yes, they are all about helping couples reconcile, but they know that many people will decide not to do so. The closure comes in the education of learning what, how, when, where, why, all those kinds of things. And then, because we can say to each other well, now we have committed together three days to learn these things no-transcript, but you can actually that can actually be a valid motivation in the sense of we're going to learn a lot about relationships how they start, how they grow, how that sometimes they get sabotaged, how they can stay strong, how they can last a lifetime. And if it's important to you to learn that about relationships, even if you think it's not going to be with me, then this workshop is going to help us learn that.
Speaker 2:So you don't mention the LO, but they may. They say, okay, will it help my relationship with my lover? The honest answer is if you decide not to stay with me, that's very possible because you're going to be learning relationship principles that are applicable across the board. I would hope that you're not going just to learn how to be more in love with that person, but if that's the only reason you'll go, if you will participate, I'd love to have you go with me, because I want to learn those things.
Speaker 1:I'd love to have you go with me because I want to learn those things. Another question that has come up is I want to read it exactly how the okay? This person says I want to leave my controlling husband. He doesn't want a divorce, but he thinks I'm the one who needs fixing and he isn't the problem I am. So how can I motivate him to join the workshop with me when he thinks I'm the one who needs fixing and he isn't the problem I am. So how can I motivate him to join the workshop with me when he thinks I'm the one that needs fixing?
Speaker 2:Okay, and his motivation is that she improves, then that's what you do. You're right over here. Motivation you put in the left-hand column. He wants me to improve as a, as a person, or wants me to improve as a spouse, whatever it might be. And the right-hand side, you're right, okay, it will. I'm going to learn how to be the best me when I go to that workshop.
Speaker 2:We're going to learn how to improve in at least four different areas improve myself, and so I can say to him okay, if you think I'm the only one that needs fixing, I'm not going to argue with you about it and I'm not going to ask them to try to verbally beat you up in the workshop to make you realize anything about you. I'm going to say let's go, and then I can't go by myself and learn the things I need to learn, because I need you there so you can at night, we can talk about what is it that that I should be learning? It's no, that's not good. Let's back that one up. Don't say that. Just say I can learn better if you're there than if I go by myself. Now you might want to come by yourself. If they won't come, we have solo workshops and they're very powerful and very good.
Speaker 2:But to try to get him to come, if he says, I just want you to be a better person, say, well, I could go to the SPOLO workshop, but I would so much rather you go with me so we can both learn how I can be a better person.
Speaker 2:Don't tell him that we're going to convince him that he's also at fault. One of the things we hear more in common than any other statement from people finishing up the workshop is I thought it was all my spouse's fault, and now I see how I've contributed to it and we would expect that would happen for your husband if he comes through. But I don't think that's going to motivate him. If you say, well, I want you to go, because then you're going to find out you're just as much at fault, if not more so, than I, I don't think he's going to come for that reason. I think he would say, okay, I'm not going to argue about it whether you're more at fault than I. I'm saying that I want to learn how to be the better person and this is the workshop to learn it. And so, yeah, I'll participate in all parts and learn if you'll go and also participate in all parts and learn.
Speaker 1:An important point here as well is to realize that your spouse's motivations, by writing them down doesn't mean that you have to agree that they are right Simply writing down in their headspace where they are right now what is motivating them. And I think a place that people can get really stuck here is that they're wrong. It's not all my fault, you're right.
Speaker 1:It's not all your fault, your spouse has absolutely had something to do with this. But in thinking about how can you motivate best motivate your spouse to come, being defensive towards them in asking them to come and saying, well, you're just as much of a problem as I am and therefore this workshop is going to help us, that's not going to move them to want to come with you. So in some instances you kind of have to like feed the crazy and because you can see a better outcome for this, and that's a I think that's a mindset shift that you also have to be willing to understand. As you're asking your spouse to do this with you, you're not doing, you're not.
Speaker 1:These motivations don't have to be true. They're true for your spouse because it's how they feel right now. They don't have to be true in your eyes, but they are the. They are the lever that you have, and that's a difficult part of the situation you're in. You're in a situation where you're on your last rope, at the end of your last rope. For many people, this is a Hail Mary. So this is kind of the thought process that we go through, knowing that a lot of their motivations, we hope, change, because that's what the workshop is designed to help do.
Speaker 2:And some of the questions I'm seeing over here, Kimberly, we can answer as we go through the next three steps.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:Great, okay, so let's go to the next one. That was very good. You're right. The motivation only has to be important to them.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:It doesn't have to be good, right holy, only important to them. All right. So in the left column on this sheet, you're going to anticipate every objection, whatever he or she is going to say about why they don't want to come. Now, once you write down what your objection is, then in the right-hand column, you're going to write down how you will respond to that, Because if you're prepared for the objections before they give them, then you won't fumble around and stumble and panic. You'll have thought it through already. So, for example, if you're going to put over here, one objection is going to be, my spouse said that if he goes, it will make his affair partner angry and therefore he can't go because he doesn't want to upset things with her. On the right-hand side, you can write okay, we can. If you go to the workshop, tell her that so you can close out this relationship with me, or tell him so they shouldn't close out this relationship with me. That's what I'm asking you to do, and that you're going to learn about relationships and and that they shouldn't be afraid, because nobody's going to push you to stay married to me. They're going to teach us, they're going to educate us and, of course, that might be a decision you would make, but that by coming over here, then things can finally come to an end, finally come to a close. That he and I'd say to my husband husband, if it were he then you can walk away with a clearer conscience, and you can tell her that I can walk away with a clearer conscience, and so here's how you're going to benefit from that. Okay, Even if it thinks that you might upset her, tell her how she's going to benefit. This is what it'll do for her.
Speaker 2:If another objection is I'm not the kind of person that needs help. I can take care of myself. You're going to come over here on the right-hand side and say, as I have said before, you are a very responsible and valid person. You can do so many things, but you know, I'm not that person, and if you can go with me to this workshop, then I need to learn the things about what I did wrong, how the relationship got to where it is and if we were to fix it, how to fix it, of course, but also that, if you go ahead and leave and I am in another relationship later, how I can live with that, and so, while you may be totally confident like that. I'm not. Well, he might say, then just go to the solo one and get all that for yourself. My response would be okay. But you know, I would learn so much better if you participate in it so I can talk to you about various things and learn, so I may be able to ask you questions like when I did that, how did that affect you? I can't do that in a solo, it's just me by myself, and so if you go with me, I'll learn a lot more. And I'm asking you to do that with me so that I can close out. And if he says but I don't want to go, Well, I understand that, but you do want the dog and I'm very willing to give you the dog if you go and participate. This is how important it is to me, because you know I want the dog as well, and so you're going to think through any objection you can possibly think of Now.
Speaker 2:If look at this last line over here do not offer any compromise you'll later regret. Don't offer the dog. If you're going to regret giving up the dog Now, if you run across one here and you think I don't know how to answer that, then contact back your workshop advisor and talk to him or her about that. If they can't help you figure it out, they'll talk to Kimberly and Kimberly will help them figure it out, so they can help you figure it out. And if Kimberly's not available, then I'll help them. We'll do what we can, but you have to go through them to do that. And so if you put something over there and you can't think of I don't know what answer to put, we're available, We'll help you put the right answer there, so you can think these things through. And so what you want to do is think of whatever the objection is going to be. Okay, now I see one on the right of our camera that just passes by. About what if they say, well, I'm not going to get any help until the divorce is finalized, All right, let's go down to the next one here We'll talk about that kind of thing.
Speaker 2:Okay, the fourth step is anticipating frictions. Now, that if I can't, I won't do it until the divorce is finalized, is really more of an objection. The difference in an objection and a friction is this A friction is something that's going to be caused by life itself. You say, what do you mean? Well, you know is something that's going to be caused by life itself. You say what do you mean? Well, you know, what are we going to do about child care? How are we going to pay for this? How are we going to get time off work? Those are frictions, because frictions are coming from outside the relationship. So actually there's well, I'm not willing to get help until after the divorce is finalized. If you think about that, that really sounds like a manipulation, and anytime we have heard something like that said, nothing ever happened after the divorce was finalized. That was just a manipulation to go ahead and get the divorce over with and then, no, I'm not going to do anything now. And so if I were going to answer that objection well, I'm not willing to do it until after the divorce is finalized Then my response would be I understand that you would like the divorce to be done.
Speaker 2:Well, if you want the divorce finalized which is the real motivation here you want the divorce finalized. I'm willing to move faster on that if you come to the three-day workshop and participate. We've had people say I'll sign the divorce papers if you come to the workshop and participate, but not until after the workshop will I sign. I'm not going to sign it ahead of time because, to have peace in my heart, I can't go ahead and do the divorce until I work through that workshop and learn what I need to learn from it. And so I'm asking you to go with that. So, no, no, I won't do it after the divorce is finalized. So if the real motivation is I want the divorce finalized, okay, I can help that divorce get finalized. I will move faster. And they may say how fast? What will you do? Well, you've got to think that through.
Speaker 2:Used to, people would sometimes bring the divorce papers with them to the workshop, literally and say I'll sign them when the workshop is immediately over. If you still want a divorce Now, we don't encourage that. It can take, you know, a week or two for the workshop to finally click. And so we say, if you're going to do that, say I'll sign it two weeks after the workshop or three weeks after the workshop. If they say, why two weeks? Why three weeks? I just want to have time to think it through and have time for you to think it through. But I will sign it on May 15th or whatever the date might be if you go to the workshop and participate.
Speaker 2:But for those that have brought their divorce papers to the workshop, I can tell one story. For example, A guy at the very, very end of the workshop raised his hand and said can I say something? And so the facilitator, the leader of the workshop, let him come to the front. He walked to the front with papers in his hand and said my wife said she would sign these divorce papers immediately after the workshop. And then he tore them up and threw them in the trash can and said we're going to work this out. So all I'm trying to tell you is this I wouldn't let myself be manipulated.
Speaker 2:You say, okay, now let's get to the frictions thing. What if they say it just costs too much? Well, if that's a friction on the right hand side, you're going to write through how you can resolve the frictions. So, for example, we had a lady once that said to her husband yeah, it's kind of expensive, but you know it's a whole lot cheaper than this divorce is going to be if we wind up fighting it out. So would you rather pay all that money to the attorneys or would you rather we just go do this thing and learn some stuff and then try to divorce Emma a couple of days after that is over, because it's going to be a whole lot less expensive than having two lawyers fight it out. We're both going to lose a lot of money if we do that, and I don't want to do that, so let's go do this instead.
Speaker 2:Another woman said she told her husband I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to raise the money. I'm going to do, I'm going to raise the money, I'm going to ask my parents for some money, I'm going to do a couple of yard sales to raise some money, and a couple of other things. I can't remember that she did and she raised the money all on her own and she said OK, then I'll pay for it. So that's no longer a problem. And so, frictions, you're going to figure it out. Well, what about the kids? Where are they going to stay? Well, I've talked to my mom and she said she would keep them for those three days. Or I talked to your sister and she said she keeps them for those three days, or whatever it might be.
Speaker 2:And sometimes, rather than coming to the in-person workshop, there could be some frictions that cause you to do better by coming to the online workshop. That's right, you can do that from your very home. We had one couple come through the online workshop and he was in South America and she was in Canada, but they came to the workshop together, just weren't in the same room because they were already separated like that. Well, of course, that solved any problems about child care and all those kinds of things, about travel costs and hotels and all that kind of thing, and so if you look into this, you can start seeing that the frictions typically can be worked out either by coming to the online workshop or by figuring out okay, this is how we can ask help from these people and these people will help us. Sometimes people go to their church. Okay, Kimberly, something just popped up. What is that?
Speaker 1:So for people to be able to type in objections that they have, so we can be sure that we cover them.
Speaker 2:Excellent, very good. I guess I can minimize that.
Speaker 1:Yes, you can. So for all of you who are watching, just you can see that, type in if you have anything you'd like to share so that we can use that for better responding.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm. Okay, I saw that you wrote something down here, Kimberly, about there might be too intense, too long, uncomfortable with us as a company.
Speaker 1:Yeah, these are objections people have already given in the chat. I wanted us to be sure to cover when we got to that point.
Speaker 2:Okay, can you help me understand what that means Uncomfortable with us as a company?
Speaker 1:The comment that said it was. I believe that the person did research on marriage helper, so here's what she said I asked him to attend so I could communicate with him over the kids and I would pay and take care of the kids. He is not comfortable with the idea of marriage helper as an institution so probably doesn't like the fact that we help save marriages is my assumption.
Speaker 2:Okay, Could be you have a situation like that. If your spouse is willing to get him or her to talk to your workshop advisor, or they can just talk one-on-one with one of us and we can, you know if they have specific questions or fears or whatever it might be, objections, then they're always willing to talk to your spouse. If your spouse is willing to talk to them, they're always willing to talk to your spouse. If your spouse is willing to talk to them, they're always willing to talk to your spouse and they'll get to see that we're just genuine, real people. I don't think we have any negative Better Bureau things. I think they're all positive about us and I know that Trustpilot has many positive views on us and we try to be very good people who operate out of ethics and integrity.
Speaker 1:That's what we intend to be and so a three-star Google review, because our workshop is not in Nashville, but it's south of Nashville, so that's when we like that overall.
Speaker 2:Somebody gave us a three-star review because they have to drive from the airport to here, which is, by the way, about a 35 minute drive.
Speaker 1:That's what you can expect when you read the Google reviews. Most people really love us, which is great.
Speaker 2:I see the question very quickly. Is the online workshop as effective as the in-person? As best we can tell, yes. Typically, though, the people we prefer people come to the in-person because we like to really get to know them. I mean, it's a different experience. In person, you get to get fellowship well, I'll use that word. You get to associate with other people who are there, get to know each other, become friends, find commonalities with people, with other people who are there, get to know each other, become friends, find commonalities with people, and so I prefer the in-person. The online came on because of COVID. We developed that because of COVID when people couldn't come, and lots of people who come to the online come because they're in different countries, like it's too expensive to get to there from Switzerland or from China or from whenever it might be.
Speaker 2:All right, kimber, let's go down. After frictions, let's go to the next one. Okay, fifth step putting together the request. Now we're going to write a thing and you're going to write it as if you were actually having a conversation with your spouse. Now we suggest you title it request dialogue, and so what you're going to do is you're going to write this out with both parts of the conversation as you anticipate. For example, you might start off with I'd like to talk to you about a workshop I've been looking into. I've researched it thoroughly and strongly believe that it would be good for both of us, no matter what we decide to do about our marriage.
Speaker 2:You start off with something like that and then move into briefly telling them what you feel the workshop will do for you personally. You say well, where do I get those thoughts? Back in step one, you've already written them down. However, don't mention anything you wish to gain that you believe your spouse will have a strong negative reaction to. For example, if your spouse is involved with someone else, you would not say I want to attend this because I think it'll make you come to your senses about Sally Sue. That's not a wise thing to say. Instead, you might say it'll help me understand what you feel about Sally Sue, and I need that for my own well-being. Can we scroll down a little bit there Kimberly? Then briefly tell your spouse what the workshop could do for them. Base your statements on the things you wrote in step two.
Speaker 2:Now, back over there, we told you the circle of one you thought was the strongest motivation. You always want to start with the strongest motivation and clearly explain it, making sure you focus on what they want or what they need, rather than what you want or you need. But you're going to be ready to explain. If they ask questions, you're going to have thought it through ahead of time and, if appropriate, mention any other benefits to your spouse that you feel they'll react well to. Skip the ones that you feel they're not going to react well to.
Speaker 2:Now, if they ask questions about the workshop itself, try not to give too much information. If you do, they may wind up focusing on that rather than on your request. So, for example, if they say are they ever going to expect me to say anything, you say you know, I haven't been there and I do know this. They say they don't ask anybody to say anything, that they'll be uncomfortable saying I do know that. Well, are they going to spend all day teaching us stuff? Well, you know they base what they teach on good, solid social science research and we will be there for the whole day. But they try to make it as interesting as possible. As a matter of fact, a lot of people talk about how fascinating it was to learn all the stuff they learned.
Speaker 2:People typically walk out of there saying I never knew that, I never knew that, and so what you want to do is keep emphasizing what will be positive to them, and then you anticipate the objections. You've already written those down, you're ready for them, and you're much better off if your spouse gives objections than if they ignore you. I saw a couple of things where people said I asked my spouse and they just ignored me. Well, you know then, objections are better, because objections at least invite conversation. You can talk, and if they just ignore you, my recommendation is say your piece. If they ignore you, say thank you for listening. I may want to ask you about it again sometime and then go do something else. Don't push it if they ignore you.
Speaker 2:I think in the last workshop I went to, which was a couple of weeks ago. I've been traveling and speaking around the country, but a couple of weeks ago, one of our workshops I went to, somebody said I think it was a woman who said it was the fourth time I asked my husband to come before he actually stopped and talked to me about it and then he decided to come. I said fourth time in how long? She said over about a year. So she didn't pop back in and do it every week, but she did it for a while and he finally came. He finally talked to her and so asking again and I'm going to show you in a minute how you can do that Skip down a little bit more here, kimberly, okay, and do not argue about their objections and said let them know that you're truly listening, that you aren't pushing, because when they know you're actually hearing them, you can then calmly reply with solutions that you wrote in step three.
Speaker 2:And so if they make an objection, they'll go? No, no, no, you don't understand. If they make an objection, they'll go no, no, no, you don't understand. If they make an objection, you listen and you try to find the key there. Okay, so what I hear you saying is that what's really important to you is getting the divorce sooner. Well, yeah, that's why I said it. Why don't we go ahead and divorce and then we'll go to the workshop afterwards? No, what I'm hearing is, the key to hearing is that you'd want to divorce sooner, and I understand that. Well, here's what I'll do. If you'll go to the workshop with me, I will sign the divorce papers on June 12th, or whatever it might be.
Speaker 2:If you go and you participate all three days and so you make it a conversation, it's not a sales pitch. You're talking back and forth. Take your time, don't rush, listen a lot and try to listen to what's really really important to them. If you find, if you realize that what's really going on is they're just mad, they're just absolutely furious, you can say I can understand that you're angry. You know things haven't gone well with us. I honestly don't know all the things that you're angry about, but you know, honestly don't know all the things that you're angry about, but you know this workshop will help you deal with a lot of those things in good ways, so that even your anger can be, you can handle it better. Not me handling it better, you handle it better. You listen to what's important to them and so you anticipate the frictions. If the friction's about childcare, you got to have it all figured out ahead of time and whenever they bring up one that you didn't think of, or if they keep bringing up one after another like you give an answer for this, you give an answer for that, you give an answer for that, and they still come back with more frictions. Don't get frustrated. Do not get impatient.
Speaker 2:What you're going to do is you're going to turn it valid as valid, even if you know it's not really valid. Valid as valid, even if you know it's not really valid. They're just looking for excuses, and sometimes I've even seen people do this. Okay, you say that's a big thing, I got you. If we could figure out how to handle that, what else would keep you from wanting to go? And that's when you find out what the real objection is it just costs too much money. Okay, if I can figure out how to handle the money, what else would keep you from wanting to go? And that's often when you'll find out what the real objection is. And that's when you're going to talk to them and help them understand. So you're not going to be impatient, you're not going to react with frustration. You're going to continue the conversational atmosphere that you established. You're going to communicate to them that you too have thought about these frictions, and you're going to talk about it like two people looking for a solution, rather than one person trying to talk the other person into something Kimberly.
Speaker 2:If you could scroll down a little bit more, okay. And then don't push for an immediate answer Now, if you know your spouse likes to make decisions that fast, you can say I know that typically you like to respond quickly. So if you want to make a decision right now, that's fine, but I'm not pushing for an immediate answer. You know, think it over and, if it feels appropriate, ask them what they think about what you talked about, but not in a way that appears to be pressuring them to make a decision, like, okay, you know, take a week or two to make a decision if you want to, but can you at least tell me what you're thinking about? What we talked about? What points made sense to you? What points maybe didn't make sense to you? I'm not pushing for a decision, I just want to know what you think about our conversation. And if they offer an affirmative answer on the spot which some people do thank them calmly and then book the very next workshop available.
Speaker 2:Don't wait. Answers can change if too much time passes. We've had people say he was willing to go in March and I thought well, okay, we have plenty of time. I think I'll book one this summer, It'll be easier. And by the time I got around to booking, he had changed his mind, or she had changed her mind. If they said they're going to go, book it. That's my suggestion Book it right away and we'll help you figure out how to get it done.
Speaker 2:Okay, if they don't provide an answer, ask if you can bring the subject up again in a few days to find out what they're thinking. Like. Okay, I realize that you need some time to think about it. So if it's okay with you, I'm going to bring it up again lightly in a couple of weeks just to see what you're thinking. Okay, and typically they'll say okay. And then when you start it up again, it's like well, I was just wondering what you're thinking about our conversation the other day about the workshop.
Speaker 2:And if they say, well, I'm not really ready to talk about that, okay, if you don't mind, I'll ask again in a few days. And what you do is you just don't push them, you just ease them into it and do not manipulate Now. If they give a negative response, don't react. A no right now doesn't mean it'll always be no. We've had so many people ask many times before the spouse ever came along. But use this process so that you're not trying to sell them something, you're not trying to manipulate them, you're not trying to force them. You're just listening to what's important to them while making sure they understand what's important to you. Okay, kimberly, give me the objections, questions, answers, whatever, or you can handle them and I'll go take a nap.
Speaker 1:I keep having to mute myself because I keep sneezing. It must be the time of year which is really frustrating. So, yes, let me get through several of these objections. So, um, yes, let me get through several of these objections, a lot of categories that we could see here. So this is the. Is this the end of the? The um, if this is the end of the dialogue or if the end of this, then I'm going to stop sharing for now. So my spouse has said three days is too intense, or three days is too long, or I'm concerned about the cost. So, if those are objections that come up, what are some good ways to overcome those objections?
Speaker 2:You know, if we were to go to marriage counseling, it would last weeks, weeks. This is just three days, and when you think about the time three days to come to a conclusion and decide what we're going to do about our lives it's hardly any investment at all. Yeah, you will learn a whole lot of stuff, and so the three days won't be wasted, because each one of us is going to learn a lot of stuff, and while we could use it to put our marriage back together that's why these people exist we can also use it to make our lives better if we divorce and never see each other again. And so three days may sound like a lot, but it's not intense, not too intense.
Speaker 2:I hear that they laugh a lot, people have a lot of fun with each other, that some of the couples actually become such buddies that they wind up going to dinner together at night, all those kinds of things. It's a pretty relaxed atmosphere, laid back, easygoing. It's not like you're in there trying to cram for a test so you can get into grad school or something. It's very friendly, very conversational, and people wind up making a lot of friends in there, and if you don't want friends, you don't have to do that either. But it's really a laid back, easygoing workshop. Learn a lot of stuff and in that sense it's intense, but it's not intense otherwise. Lots of breaks, lots of snacks, lots of time for lunch, all that kind of thing.
Speaker 1:Another question that has come up is cost. What if they say that it's too expensive? How can I help overcome that objection?
Speaker 2:I would always tie it back to divorce and say you know, it's not a small amount of money, but it's so much cheaper, so much cheaper than a divorce Kimberly. I don't know what the latest figures are, I have it from about 10 years ago and I haven't looked since then. But back then the average divorce cost $30,000. $30,000. That was 10 years ago. I don't know what it is now. So it's a lot less expensive than a divorce. Plus, you know they've got ways they can finance it so we can pay it off in some fashion where it's not too much of a burden on us. And for people who are genuinely in financial need, they have some scholarships available. It's not just for somebody who says I want a discount, but if people are in genuine financial need, they have some scholarships available and they'll give them. They give away about $250,000 a year in scholarships. We do, by the way, I guess we still do. We did About $250,000 a year in scholarships of money we just give away to help people come to the workshop if they're in financial distress, and so we will try to help you as best we can. And there are other ways to get money. Sometimes your churches will help and sometimes your relatives will help.
Speaker 2:Yard sales can happen. Sometimes you got you know a third car that you hardly ever use and you go. We don't really use that thing. It'll more than pay for the workshop. Let's just sell it. There are all kinds of ways to do that. Teresa said it may be $50,000. Now on the divorce, I wouldn't doubt it. It's very expensive, very expensive, and you do get some goodies besides the workshop. You get membership. For what a year? Is that correct, kimberly?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so for our couples workshop, both spouses get their own private membership so that your spouse can have their own login and they can have their own journey without having to share the same one. And then also coaching, so it comes with six coaching sessions as well.
Speaker 2:So you get a lot more things than just the workshop. You see, our goal is to help you have the best life you can possibly have, and, of course, we'd love to help you save your marriage. That's why we exist, that's why we are here. But if we can't help you save your marriage, we want you to help save your life in the sense of having a good life, a fulfilling life, a meaningful life. And we care, we genuinely care about people, just about everybody who works for us can make more money doing something else. Now, I'm not saying our people are poorly paid they're paid well but most of them have gifts and skills where they can make a lot more money doing something else. And they're here because they care about you.
Speaker 1:We do as well. There's a question about if we can describe what the workshop experience is in more detail and what can be expected.
Speaker 2:I think the only way to get that is if you go to some of our comments from people on our webpage. You see, it's hard to explain something to somebody that's never experienced it, and that's the difficulty. If we just told you about we do this and do this and do this and do this, it wouldn't explain the workshop to you. It would just say those are the things that happen in a workshop. But what happens to the people, the way that they blossom, the way that they come out of themselves and find peace and happiness and joy, those kinds of things it's really difficult to describe that to somebody who's not experienced it. It's a three-day life-changing event, even if you decide not to stay together. It's a three-day life-changing event where you're going to learn a whole lot about yourself in good ways. You're going to learn a whole lot more about your spouse than you've ever known. You're going to learn a whole lot more about relationships and life than you've ever known.
Speaker 2:It's constant during the workshop You're going oh why didn't somebody teach me that 20 years ago or 30 years ago or whatever it might be? And so the only way I can describe it is that, while it's full of logic, it tends to have an emotional effect in good ways. Not that it's an emotional workshop where we try to blow up your emotions. We don't do that. It's because of the things that we teach and when people start getting ahas oh, they get an aha about their childhood or an aha about their marriage or an aha about how they're interacting with their children. It can become emotional for them, but not in some terrible way where everybody feels bad about themselves, but where people find peace, peace and joy and those kinds of things. So it's not a revival where you come out throwing your hands up glory, hallelujah. It's not that. It's a thing where people come out calmly saying I've grown, I've changed, and in that sense it touches emotions.
Speaker 1:Yes, absolutely, those emotions, yes, absolutely. We have a lot of people saying my wife is just checked out and they just want the divorce. They don't have the desire or motivation to do anything, so I don't even know what their motivation is, well, other than just wanting the divorce. So I know we touched on this earlier, but it just keeps coming up, even in the poll that people just took of just their wife saying I just don't want to work on the relationship. What do you do when?
Speaker 2:you feel like you're at the gridlock. If you can find some other motivation they'll come for, like we said earlier, they want that painting, they want that dog or they want to be able to co-parent better, that they have no interest in doing anything about the relationship whatsoever. But there's something they can get. And if you say, well, but if I say that my spouse is going to feel manipulated, well, you can have the painting if you come to the workshop, just sell them up front. I know this may sound like a manipulation. I certainly don't want to manipulate you. I'm just trying to find what's important to you, and I know that painting is. So that's what I'm offering. I'm offering you something that's important to me. If you'll do something that's important for me and so you can have the painting, if you'll do this for me, please do that.
Speaker 2:So don't always make it about the relationship. You can make it about the children, you can make it about any number of things. And if they just absolutely refuse to come to the couples workshop with you, in the solo workshop which, by the way, we're actually doing some things to make it even better than what it's been, in the solo workshop you'll learn a lot about you and a lot about life and a lot about how to make your life good from now on. Also, some principles about how to put your marriage together, if ever you can get your spouse to come to the couples workshop. And it's not unusual, after somebody's been to the solo workshop and has experienced it, that that experience changes them enough Seriously, I'm not making this up Changes them enough that the spouse sees it. And then, after a few weeks, when they ask the spouse to come back to the couples workshop, the spouse is saying it made a big change in you.
Speaker 2:I think I want to go see what this is all about. And so, yeah, we'd love to have you come to the solo workshop, but don't come to the solo workshop just because you're afraid to ask your spouse to come to the couples workshop. We recommend the couples workshop. But if they absolutely won't, we'd love to have you in the solo workshop and I'll guarantee you it'll be worth your time, your money, everything else, because you're going to come out there a better person than you've ever been before ever been before. And when I say guarantee just for legal purposes, I need to explain. That doesn't mean I can give your money back if you say I didn't like that one little part of it, I'm not saying that, I'm saying that it works.
Speaker 1:Yes, absolutely.
Speaker 2:We don't have a success rate on the solo workshop about how it saves marriages because of the fact that the spouse is not there. What we're learning from the solo workshop, and we're going to start measuring even better, is what it does for that person, and the change in that person is significant and powerful. Of course, we can't measure how it saves the marriage because only one spouse was there.
Speaker 1:Right, we used to. I had written a response to that. At one point we had looked at the conversion rate of the people who had gone to solo and then upgraded to couples and first of all, we haven't run that number in a while, um. So I don't have it right now and I can't even remember off the top of my head what it was the last time we ran it. But you have to understand that's a dynamic number based on how many people are going into solo versus, you know, making the step into couples after, and I just don't, I cannot confidently give any of you a number on that. In the past it's been anywhere between 10 and 35 ish percent. I don't know what it is right now because it all depends on whether you end up continuing to ask your spouse to go to the couples workshop with you, and that's where we're seeing a Um. I don't know what it is right now because it all depends on whether you end up continuing to ask your spouse to go to the couples workshop with you, and that's where we're seeing a lot of people get stuck. It's actually one of the reasons we are having this webinar, because I have done a lot of focus groups over the past several weeks with solo spouse graduates and ask them about the process for them of asking their spouse to go to the workshop with them. And there was mixed responses of some people who said I asked and asked and asked, I did, until they said yes or until it just became very clear and evident that it was never going to happen. But they feel like they vetted it to every extent possible, followed this process that we shared with you today and they're in a really great spot. But then there's other people that I've spoken to and they've said, honestly, I'm just scared and so I'm not asking and I don't know how to move forward. And you're not going to move forward if you get to that place of gridlock. And that's really why we're having this conversation with you all.
Speaker 1:Here's the framework to use. You need to ask your spouse. Waiting isn't going to make anything better. It's only going to make the problems worse. And we understand you're scared of pushes, you're scared of all of that stuff. Timing is important. You need to make sure you know that you pick the right day. You don't want to pick a day where your husband's mad because he just got demoted at work. Right, like timing is everything in many different ways. Tone and how you bring it up is everything. However, you also just need to do it and expect a no the first time you ask. Expect that it's going to be a no.
Speaker 2:That doesn't mean it's the last time you're going to ask yeah, don't panic, don't panic when that happens.
Speaker 1:That's right.
Speaker 2:For many of you who said my spouse is completely checked out, totally checked out. There's no way on earth he or she is ever going to come to the couple's workshop. They said then I don't want to talk to me anymore, et cetera, et cetera. I'm recommending to you that you do consider a solo workshop, because it's going to help you become a much better person and have a much better life in the future. And it's not unusual, as Kimberly was talking about that, when the spouse starts seeing you be different because of what you learned, that the person who would never talk to you again suddenly is willing to talk to you and winds up coming to the workshop with you.
Speaker 2:And gentlemen, we've got a men-only solo in-person workshop coming up in June. It's June already, isn't it? In June, right here in Middle Tennessee, and unless something happens to me, I will be leading that workshop myself. Gentlemen, I'd love for you to sign up for that and if you're not signed up for it, if you have a workshop advisor, call him or her right now and get signed up. If you have not had a workshop advisor, marriage helper that's marriagehelpercom slash call and you can set that up. I really, really want to see you guys, it's going to be an awesome men only workshop.
Speaker 1:Yes, absolutely Well. We hope that this has been helpful. I know we've talked about a lot of things and we hope to create this to where it's more organized, Like here are the framework that Joe shared is very organized, but I think it would be really cool and I kind of thought of this as we were doing it if we had videos that talked about each objection so that people could kind of pick and choose their journey and understand how to handle each objection. So those are, those are things we're going to continue to flesh out because we realize this is a sticking point for many of you, and so we want to help give you the tools that you can feel empowered and confident to approach your spouse about something that is already difficult and hard and scary to do. So we hope that this has been helpful for you.
Speaker 1:Marriagehelpercom slash call If you want to speak with one of our workshops workshop advisors. Remember there's always the opportunity for a workshop advisor to speak to your spouse. If your spouse asks for that and is willing or is willing to do that, that's right. So they're not just going to call your spouse out of the blue. Your spouse is going to need to communicate to them that they're ready or the two of you can be on the call together, but that's always something that we are absolutely willing, able and happy to do, so you'll all get recordings of this. Thank you so much for spending your time with us. Thank you, Dr Joe, for guiding us through that. It's incredibly powerful framework to be able to have this conversation with.
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