Relationship Radio: Marriage, Sex, Limerence & Avoiding Divorce
Relationship Radio: Marriage, Sex, Limerence & Avoiding Divorce
The SURPRISE Secret to Rekindling Marriage Passion
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Are you living with your spouse but feel like you're just living with a roommate? Do conversations revolve only around finances, kids, and chores, rather than the fun and passion you once shared? Many couples experience what's called a "companionate relationship," where intimacy and commitment are present, but the crucial elements of passion and eroticism have faded, often leaving one spouse yearning for more oneness and excitement. This often happens when deep security and intimacy lead to a level of predictability that can, over time, "de-eroticize" the relationship.
But there's a powerful secret to reigniting that spark: Planned Surprise.
While intimacy thrives on trust and predictability, allowing you to not worry about what's coming next, eroticism and passion flourish on "something new, something different, something unexpected". Predictability, in fact, kills eroticism.
In this video, we reveal how to bridge this gap and stop feeling like roommates by intentionally adding passion back into your marriage. Drawing on insights from experts like world-renowned sexologist Dr. Barry McCarthy, we explain:
* Why Predictability Kills Passion: Intimacy provides security, a deep part of closeness where you don't expect surprises. However, eroticism dies when there are no surprises and everything becomes extremely predictable. You could become habituated and de-eroticized unless you're intentional about not doing that.
* The "Surprise Scenario" Exercise: Discover a practical method from the "Becoming One" workbook where each spouse plans out three unique "surprise scenarios". The key is that they review these scenarios together first to cross out anything that "ain't going to happen" or might cause "sexual inhibition".
* The Power of Anticipation (Dopamine): Learn how the actual surprise works: your spouse doesn't know *when, where, or how* one of these pre-approved scenarios will unfold, creating a delightful and sustained anticipation. As the source explains, dopamine has more to do with the anticipation than the event itself. This means there could be a "low-level dopamine" thrill throughout the month, which increases if a clue appears.
* How to Get Started and Keep the Momentum: We discuss how you can gently introduce this concept, even if your spouse is initially hesitant, perhaps by trying a non-offensive surprise without warning them first, much like one husband did by transforming his living room into a "South Pacific" scene to encourage "new anticipatory things". It's crucial for the planned event to actually happen; otherwise, the drop in dopamine and trust can be worse than if they weren't expecting it.
Don't settle for a passionless marriage. It's time to become intentional about rekindling the romance and returning to that "craving for oneness" that defines true passion. Watch now to learn the surprising way to transform your roommate situation back into a vibrant, passionate mar
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You would think in a marriage that there would be a great degree of intimacy, maybe passion, but sometimes people just feel like they're living with a roommate. If that's you, is there something you can do about it? Let's talk about it on Relationship Radio. Hi, I'm Dr Joe Beam. This is Kimberly Holmes, our CEO. Kimberly, what do you think a person is describing when they say I feel like we're just living as roommates.
Speaker 2:I think there is a couple of things. First, I feel like we're just living as roommates. I think there is a couple of things. First, I believe that when I think back to when I was in college and had a roommate especially my first roommate was someone I didn't know and we really just shared a space together. We didn't share a same friend group and we just one of us went, one of us. You know, each person is just coming and going. There's little other parts of your life that are intertwined, that are keeping you together, and so I think that's the biggest thing that people are talking about when they say I feel like I'm just living with a roommate. But I think the next biggest thing people are talking about is we share parts of our life together, but it's the things that aren't fun. All my spouse wants to talk about are the finances or the kids and things that aren't what I fell in love with my spouse for. It's not what I thought my marriage was going to be like.
Speaker 1:You know we'll talk about this more in other episodes, of course. But my friend, dr Barry McCarthy, who is a world-renowned sexologist, said if your spouse ever looks at you and says I love you but I'm not in love with you, that they have de-eroticized you. So I'm wondering if that's something also that's a part of feeling like roommates. It's like we are so used to each other that we don't talk about things anymore unless they're business things like finances, kids, that kind of thing and we kind of help out around the house I bring the money, you do that, et cetera, et cetera. But there really is no eroticism, there's no aspect of passion. And so they have intimacy and they have commitment.
Speaker 1:But that's what's called a companionate relationship, and companionate relationships actually work really well if both people are happy with it. But we know that in most cases, people in a companionate relationship, one of them wants more passion. Now, passion has a sexual dimension, without a doubt. Therefore I talked about eroticism. But passion also has a craving for oneness and we know based on our experience that if we're talking to a couple and one of them says I think we're in a companionate marriage because they see our chart and know how to figure that out, the one that wants more passion is typically the female, the female.
Speaker 2:Why? Because she wants, she's yearning for more oneness, because passion isn't always sexual. It's more of the cuddling together on the couch, maybe watching a favorite movie, going to on a surprise trip over the weekend, like it's. It's that kind of bonding that the wife is typically looking for more of.
Speaker 1:And so are we saying then that if a couple becomes really secure in their relationship, that they're going to act more like roommates than lovers?
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, that's not what we're saying, but that could be what some people hear Interestingly and I said this before we said I don't remember where I said this with you, but there's, there's two main marriage gurus other than us, of course that that speak about this topic, and there's one person that says the way that you keep the marriage alive is by not having too much intimacy in the sense of friendship. You keep a little bit of mystery in order to have more of the eroticism Whereas the other person says that that's ridiculous. And if you don't have that deep intimacy and friendship, then how can you truly have a deep relationship with the person? And so part of what comes as a byproduct of the question you asked, with that deeper friendship, intimacy, vulnerability, transparency and openness, is that you could become habituated and, over time, de-eroticized, unless you're intentional about not doing that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, again, quoting my friend Dr Barry McCarthy. Barry says that intimacy actually puts you in a situation where you feel secure, where that you don't feel any surprises are coming. That an intimacy. Part of our security is the fact that I don't expect to be surprised. I know how you think, I know how you feel, I know how you interact with other people, et cetera, et cetera. And based on that predictability, then we have security, which is a deep part of intimacy.
Speaker 1:But then he goes on to point out but it's just the opposite with eroticism that once you get to the point where there are no surprises, where it is extremely predictable, then eroticism dies. Because he says that eroticism thrives on something new, something different, something unexpected. And so if a couple then is living in a relationship where they feel we're more like roommates, then would you think that obviously they have to make sure their intimacy stays deep openness, transparency, vulnerability to make sure their intimacy stays deep openness, transparency, vulnerability. But they would have to plan when it comes to passion, to put passion back into the marriage. And when I say plan, at the same time you can't plan if the other person knows what you're planning, because then that takes out the surprise, the spontaneity. So what would be the solution?
Speaker 2:I was going to ask you the same thing. You just painted the picture of two complete opposites. Where's the middle?
Speaker 1:One of the books I wrote years ago is called Becoming One, and I wrote a workbook that goes with it. Becoming One it's a Bible study book for those that might be interested in it, and it talks about how to become one emotionally. It talks about how to become one sexually and to become one spiritually, and in the sexual part of it there's some exercises over in the workbook where that each spouse plans out three surprise scenarios and, just to make sure they don't blow each other's minds, he gets to the point where, once you have written out your three scenarios, each one looks at the other and crosses out anything that ain't going to happen. They cross that out. You say, well, where's the surprise? Then the surprise is that they're going to take turns. So this month he is going to use one of his three. She doesn't know when, she doesn't know where, she doesn't know how, she just knows that he's going to do one of those three. Therefore, all month long there's a susceptibility of when's this going to happen, a lack of predictability. Next month, her turn. Next month, his turn. Next month, her turn. And so they can actually plan, but then keep it as a surprise and once they get used to each other.
Speaker 1:So it's like I'm not afraid you're going to come up with something that I would not want to do. I'm not afraid that you're going to want me to make love to you in the vegetable section at Kroger, okay, that kind of thing. Then they don't have to share them to begin with, they can just write them out, and still every other month. Now you say, well, wouldn't it be more effective if it was every other week? Well, you can make whatever time slot you want, but the advantage of every other month is this Creativity sometimes isn't easy Like okay, what else can I think of, what else is new, et cetera. And unfortunately, many of the books that you would buy that would help you get creative ideas are books that are also full of morality. That would be quite a contrast to your morality. Okay, so what are you thinking? As you hear me say that, Well, I'm still thinking.
Speaker 2:it sounds like two juxtaposed areas. You were talking about the intimacy over here, the security, knowing what they're going to do, but over here, in the passion part of it, it's about the surprise and the spontaneity and all of that. But also what if a couple is very close intimately? But this part, what do you call it? Sexual, not habituation.
Speaker 1:Boredom Nope, not boredom. Sexual inhibition, inhibition, inhibition, sexual inhibition Nope, not boredom. Inhibition, Inhibition, sexual inhibition. That's why, to begin with, they might have to share the episodes and say anything in here that you can't do, and so sometimes inhibition will need to be dealt with because of the fact that it's going to make it where there can't be any spontaneity or surprise. But think about that. We really don't want surprise when it comes to intimacy. I want to be able to trust you. I don't have to worry about what's going to be coming next, but you're the one who helped me begin to understand more about dopamine. I thought I knew a lot, but you taught me more that dopamine has more to do with the anticipation than the event.
Speaker 1:That's right, and therefore, if I knew that sometime this month some sexual scenario is going to take place that you have come up with, that my wife has come up with. In that particular situation there could almost be like a low level dopamine goes higher. If it turns out it's not tonight, then I got an dopamine thrill, which means that spontaneity, et cetera, even though the event itself is still a couple of days off or a week off or whatever it might be.
Speaker 2:Now the only way that could backfire is if the event were to not happen at all Say it was the husband's idea, right, it was his turn, he didn't do it Then the the depth that the dopamine would fall and the way that a person would feel would be worse than if they weren't expecting it to begin with. So they would end up having a negative feeling associated with that event in that person. That is correct, but I do think it's interesting when we think about the whole roommates thing. I wonder if there is a part of it and this is me just kind of brain brainstorming at this point. But if the people did, in different circumstances, have such a a loss of a, they expected their spouse to do something and it didn't over time so much that now they don't have the anticipation that's around it because they've just stopped trusting it or stopped believing it, and that's leading to part of what the disconnect is in the relationship.
Speaker 1:Which means that they have to keep growing in terms of intimacy, about openness, transparency, vulnerability. I don't know that you can ever completely explore another person's mind. Even if we're being as open as we can, I don't know that I can ever completely understand another person or they ever completely understand me. I actually would say that, while you may, after a while, have to be really, really creative, now maybe these scenarios are not once a month, they're once a quarter, because of the fact you're getting a little bit older or a lot of things are going on and tying up your time and et cetera, et cetera. According to Snorri, his book about the passionate marriage, he says that the best sex that's going to happen is going to be in the 50s and 60s, when you're age group 50s and 60s, because people then are less inhibited and more able to tune into each other. I'm saying that if you want to stop feeling like a roommate right now, then add passion. But the way to add passion is going to also be to add surprise. And so you might be thinking well, my spouse right now I don't know that I could buy that book and those workbooks off Amazon or whatever, and that he or she would want to get into that right away. I get it. I understand there may be some work you need to do ahead of time about that. I would recommend that if you look for books, you look for Barry McCarthy's Rekindling Desire. Pay attention to that book to get started. But if my spouse may not want to participate right now, then if I came up with something I knew would not be offensive to him or her and then tried that without warning them, it could still be quite an event.
Speaker 1:You've heard me tell the story about that couple where that he decided to take off work one day and he came home and took all the furniture out of the living room, got these palm trees out of mylar balloons and blew them up, put a little raft in there, put on some Hawaii music. He even dressed like a hula girl and when his wife came home they made love on the raft in the middle of the South Pacific. Of course it was in the living room and she thought that was a lot of fun. It was hilarious and that was the way he introduced her to. Let's try to do some new anticipatory things. I would say that's what you're going to do. You're going to live as roommates as long as everything has no surprise. But when it comes to intimacy you don't want to make surprises.
Speaker 1:So, where else would you make it Passion?
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