What To Do When You Hear 'I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You'

Have you ever heard the devastating words, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you"? This phrase can feel like an emotional earthquake, like something broke inside your chest, shattering the life you knew and leaving you stunned and confused. If you've heard it, you are not alone, you are not crazy, and this is NOT the end of your marriage.

When your spouse says "I love you, but I'm not in love with you," they are not saying they hate you or have stopped caring. Instead, they are often expressing that the feeling of being in love—the intense emotional pull, the thrill, the spark, the butterflies, and infatuation—has faded or gone. Most people define love by these intense emotions, but these feelings were never meant to last forever. The version of love your spouse might be mourning was simply not sustainable.

What could be fueling this feeling of disconnection? Your spouse might be comparing your steady, imperfect love to a fantasy in their head. This fantasy can be fueled by:
• Stress, burnout, or trauma: Life pressures from career, parenting, or finances can overwhelm their emotional capacity, leading them to go emotionally cold.
• Emotional disconnection: They might have felt emotionally neglected or misunderstood for a long time, causing them to feel numb and mistake this absence of connection for an absence of love.
• Feeling lost themselves: Your spouse may feel they've lost themselves within the relationship, leading to resentment and pulling away not from you, but from the person they've become.
• Emotional entanglement with someone else: They might be comparing the fantasy of a new relationship with the realness and challenges of marriage.

The truth is, the spark they miss CAN be reignited. Not only can it be reignited, but it can be transformed into something stronger, deeper, and more lasting than they've ever imagined.

You may be in deep pain right now, feeling betrayed, unwanted, or replaced. You might even feel ashamed for wanting this marriage to work when others tell you to let go. But your desire to fight for your marriage is not weak or foolish; it is the most courageous thing you can do. And you don't have to do it alone.
At Marriage Helper, we've spent over 31 years helping marriages in the worst possible shape—even when a spouse had moved out, filed for divorce, or fallen in love with someone else. Countless couples have found their way back, found healing, and fell in love again—not the shallow kind, but the lasting kind.

This moment is your turning point. Please go right now to marriagehelper.com/call to schedule a FREE conversation with us about how we can help. It will take courage, commitment, and an investment of time, money, and energy. But what is your marriage worth to you? Imagine waking up one day, looking at your spouse, and saying, "We made it, and we're stronger than ever". That can happen because your story isn't over—it's just the beginning

If you're struggling in your marriage, don’t wait. Get our FREE resource: The 7 Steps to Rescue Your Marriage 👉 https://marriagehelper.com/free

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Chapters

• 0:00 The Devastating "Not In Love" Phrase
• 1:41 Understanding What Your Spouse Means
• 3:57 The Pain You're Experiencing
• 5:12 How Marriage Helper Can Help
• 6:43 Finding Hope and Taking Action

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Because you're watching this right now, chances are you've heard one of the most devastating phrases a spouse can hear I love you, but I'm not in love with you. Those words feel like an emotional earthquake, like something broke inside your chest, like the life you knew just changed. If you've heard them, I'm so sorry. I know how much that hurts. It doesn't just hurt your heart, it rattles your identity, it stuns you, confuses you and it leaves you feeling like the life you've built is suddenly crumbling from underneath. I've looked into the eyes of hundreds well, actually thousands of people who've been exactly where you are right now, and I want you to know you're not alone, you're not crazy. And this is not the end. Let's take a breath together, because I want to talk directly to the part of you that's tired, afraid, maybe even ashamed to admit how much this has shaken you. Maybe you're wondering what happened to us. Was it something I did or didn't do? Is it too late to fix this? And the deepest question of all Can love come back? I'm Dr Joe Beam and I want to tell you with all the certainty of a man who has walked hundreds of couples through this fire yes, it can, but before we talk about how to restore that love.

Speaker 1: 1:41

We need to understand what your spouse is really saying. When your spouse says I love you but I'm not in love with you, they're not saying they hate you. They're not saying they've stopped caring, but they are saying they're lost and we can help them and you find your way back. They still care about you. They likely don't want to hurt you. They may even admire and respect you, but inside them, the feeling of being in love, that intense emotional pull, that thrill, that spark, it's gone and they don't know what to do about that. Well, here's what's important to know.

Speaker 1: 2:23

Most people define love by emotion. They think of being in love as passion, butterflies, infatuation, excitement, romance. But those feelings were never built to last forever. That doesn't mean real love is boring, but it does mean that the version of love your spouse is mourning was never sustainable. They may be comparing your steady, imperfect love to a fantasy in their head, to what they think love is supposed to feel like, and that fantasy. It can be fueled by various things like stress, burnout, trauma. Maybe life pressures, career, parenting, finances have overwhelmed their emotional capacity and they've gone emotionally cold. Or maybe emotional disconnection. Perhaps they felt emotionally neglected or misunderstood for a long time and now they feel numb. And when a person feels disconnected, they mistake the absence of feeling connected for the absence of love. Or maybe they feel that they've lost themselves in their relationship and that causes resentment, even if they can't explain it, and they start to pull away, not from you but from the person they've become. Or perhaps your spouse has become emotionally entangled with someone else and they're comparing the fantasy of that new relationship with the realness of marriage.

Speaker 1: 3:51

Well, when any of these are at play, it's easy for someone to say I love you but I'm not in love with you. But here's the truth they may not realize that spark they miss. It can be reignited, and not just reignited but transformed into something stronger, deeper and more lasting than they've ever imagined. I need you to hold on to one thing right now this does not mean your marriage is over. No matter what your spouse is right now, no matter how distant they've become, no matter how hopeless it feels, this does not have to be the end. So may I talk about you for a minute, because you're in pain, deep pain. You're holding on when everything in you wants to fall apart. You may feel betrayed, unwanted replaced. You may have cried more tears than you ever thought possible. You may even feel ashamed that you still want this marriage to work when other people are telling you to let it go. But may I tell you something your desire to fight for your marriage is not weak, it's not foolish. It's the most courageous thing you could ever do, and you don't have to do it alone.

Speaker 1: 5:12

At Marriage Helper, we've spent over 31 years helping marriages in the worst possible shape. We're not talking about couples who just had a few bad weeks. We're talking about couples where one spouse had already moved out or filed for divorce or fallen in love with someone else or said I feel absolutely nothing for you anymore. And guess what? Countless couples found a way back to each other. They found healing. They fell in love again Not the shallow kind, but the lasting kind, and many of them will tell you it took work, but it was the best decision we ever made.

Speaker 1: 6:00

Here's what I hope you hear. You don't have to convince your spouse to come back. You don't have to beg. You don't have to chase Now. There are things you can do right now to begin changing the dance in your relationship. But that's where we come in Our three-day marriage helper workshop is the most powerful, proven path we've ever created to bring marriages back from the edge.

Speaker 1: 6:27

It's not counseling it. Your spouse will come or not. We can help you. So please look me in the eye right now and hear me. You are not powerless. You're not alone. Your marriage is not too far gone. Don't spend another night searching the internet replaying conversations, feeling like you're losing your mind. We've walked this road with thousands. We know how to help you, so please don't wait. This moment is the turning point. Please go right now to marriagehelpercom slash call to schedule a free conversation with us about how we can help. It will take courage, it will take commitment and, yes, it'll take an investment of time, money and energy. But what's your marriage worth to you? What would it be worth to wake up one day, look at your spouse and say we made it and we're stronger than ever? That can happen because your story isn't over. It's just the beginning. Marriage Helper, because your marriage is worth fighting for. Marriagehelpercom slash call. Go there right now, because hope is here.