Top Relationship Expert Dr Joe Beam Shares BEST Tips for Healing After Cheating

Your spouse cheated—but now they want to come back. Can you ever truly forgive? Can passion and intimacy return after betrayal? In this powerful video, Dr. Joe Beam walks you through the raw emotions, fears, and questions that surface when you decide to take your spouse back after an affair.

You’ll discover:

• Why fear and anger can affect your sex life after infidelity
• How to avoid “spectatoring” and comparisons that destroy intimacy
• The critical role of forgiveness in rebuilding passion
• How to create a sexual and emotional connection stronger than before

Whether you’re wrestling with hurt, struggling to restore trust, or wondering if passion can ever return, this video offers hope—and practical steps to rebuild your marriage from the inside out.

If you’re ready to fight for your marriage, we can help. Join thousands of couples who have saved their relationship through our 3-day Marriage Helper Workshop.

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Chapters

• 0:00 When Your Spouse Wants Reconciliation
• 2:17 Understanding Your Sexual Response
• 5:31 Avoiding Harmful Comparisons
• 9:09 Creating a New Intimate Connection
• 13:10 Breaking the "Once a Cheater" Myth
• 15:20 Hope for Rebuilding Your Marriage

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Your spouse cheated on you but now wants to put the marriage back together. I know it hurts. I mean it hurts in so many different ways. You feel I can't believe that what was supposed to be just for me has been given to somebody else and you're thinking my goodness, but you should have heard the lies that she said or the lies that he told. I mean, that hurt me more than anything the fact that he or she lied like they lied, and I'm humiliated because of the fact that other people know about it. And on and on it goes. But yet your spouse wants to put it back together and I'm making the assumption in this particular video that you have made a decision that you will try to put the marriage back together. Now, if you can't make that decision yet, or won't make that decision yet, may I make a recommendation If your spouse really wants to come back and you believe that your spouse is a good person who did a bad thing, not a bad person who did a bad thing, let us help you think that through before you make your final decision as to whether you will or won't put the marriage back together. But now I'm making the assumption that you've passed that in this video that you really do want to put the marriage back together, even if you have some large reservations about it.

Speaker 1: 1:13

Like am I doing the right thing? Can I truly ever forgive him or her? Will I be plagued by this the rest of my life? Will I ever get over it? And not only that, will my spouse get over it? Am I going to be compared to that person they had the affair with for the rest of my life, whether I'm as handsome or pretty as that person is, whether I'm as strong and good looking, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Whether I'm as good in bed as he or she was? Am I going to spend the rest of my life wondering about that? Because I don't want to spend my life thinking I'm not good enough. And already, because of the fact that my spouse cheated on me, I have had those ideas go through my head. Something must be wrong with me. So can you help us, dr Bean, if we really want to explore putting the marriage back together and not just put it back together but, in the sexual aspect, get to where we can recreate passion? Now you do understand that there are so many different directions we could go about putting it back together, but in this particular video, we're going to be talking about sex, about passion.

Speaker 1: 2:18

Now it's an interesting thing that is quite common, that the spouse who's being cheated on, when they first discover that cheating is occurring, will actually find their libido spike. What I mean is their sex drive goes sky high. Now I can give you a lot of reasons for that, but let me just give you one here. The serotonin in your brain begins to decrease, and when the serotonin in your brain because of your fear, because of what's happening, I'm afraid that my husband or my wife's going to leave me, I'm afraid that they're going to be in love with that other person their whole lives, or even if it was a one-night stand, how can I know that he or she won't do that more and more? And so in that situation, people will often have a decrease in serotonin, and a decrease in serotonin always well, almost always at least spikes libido, makes your sex drive become stronger, and so I've asked this so many times how many of you, when you found out your marriage was in trouble, all of a sudden found yourself craving sex with your spouse and becoming more sexual with your spouse than you have in years, nearly every hand goes up of the people who are being cheated on or the people who are trying to save their marriages. I used to refer to it as reclaiming territory. In other words, I've got to get you back with me. I'm going to be the one fulfilling you. I don't want you to be fulfilled by somebody else.

Speaker 1: 3:39

And there is some aspect of that, but a lot of it is because it's driven by fear. You're afraid you're going to lose the marriage. Now, if you're trying to put it back together and your spouse has said, okay, I'm coming home, that fear sometimes will turn into anger. Okay, I've been doing everything I need to do to get you to come back and finally you're here. And because of the fact that you've been working so hard on getting your spouse to come back and make the marriage good again, you've not let yourself deal with the anger. You've been pushing it down, pushing it down, pushing it down, and now that the fear is subsiding, the anger comes up and sometimes it can be quite intense and the next thing you know, the person that you have worked so hard to get to come back home so you can put the marriage back together becomes your biggest enemy. Because all you can think about is how much he or she hurt you, and you start taking that anger out on them because you hurt so deeply inside. Have you felt that yet? We're not saying that you should just do away with anger, because that's not possible. We're saying that what you do with anger is that you deal with it appropriately at the right time. Now let's assume then because I'm talking to a very specific audience here that you have decided that you're going to take your spouse back and that you have done whatever you need to do to be able to begin to handle your anger in appropriate ways, which would probably include forgiving your spouse and, if he or she was involved with somebody else, include forgiving them, not because they deserve it, but because of the fact that you want to set yourself free Now, if you're that person. So your spouse is back, your anger is under control, you're trying to put it back together.

Speaker 1: 5:25

What kind of difficulties might you have in restoring passion? There's a thing in sexology called spectatoring. It's like when a person, rather than being in the presence and being there in the sex act itself, they kind of like have their brain go up in the corner up here somewhere and you are watching you and you're making judgments about you and making judgments about your sexual partner and therefore you don't really let yourself go, you don't really get into the sexual encounter because of the fact that You're being so judgmental of you and maybe your partner. And so one thing I would strongly recommend is, if you're going to be making love again to your spouse, who had cheated on you, don't allow yourself to do spectatoring. You say what do you mean? Like I'm kind of watching what's happening. Yeah, spectatoring in this sense probably that you're wondering what he or she is thinking. Do they think that I kiss as well as the partner? Do they think that I know how to do sexual things as well as the partner? Do they think I'm as pretty as the partner or as handsome as the partner?

Speaker 1: 6:33

In other words, you're making judgments all the time, and that's what we call spectatoring, and you're judging yourself against an imaginary person because of the fact that you don't have any true knowledge of what that other person is like in bed. You say, well, I'll just ask my spouse, tell me what he or she was like in bed. And we say, please don't do that. Please don't do that, because you'll get mental images in your mind that are going to be inaccurate. And so if you were to say to your spouse, did you kiss that person? And your spouse says, yes, I did. Now you'll get a mental image of that kiss, but it's not accurate. You didn't see it. All you're going to have in your mind is a fantasy, a mental picture that's there. And since it's not accurate number one it also can linger a long time, so that even after your spouse heals and is long past the affair, you might still be having those mental pictures of your spouse doing this or that or the other or the other person.

Speaker 1: 7:36

And if you were to ask about those questions like what did you do with him, what did you do with her, you might discover that your spouse did some things sexually with that partner that he or she hasn't done with you and that'll hurt your feelings and make you angry. And now you're thinking what about you? Are you telling me they definitely did that? No, I'm not telling you they definitely did that. I'm saying that sometimes that happens because once a person goes beyond the borders, once they cross the boundaries, other boundaries tend to fall. And you're saying, but then I have to know, I have to ask my husband or wife did you do that? That? That that, no, it's just going to hurt you and you're going to find out things that you won't be able to deal with because of the fact that your mind is going to see it as being a rebellion against you, when really what was happening was falling boundaries within your spouse's own head, within your spouse's own heart. And so please don't ask for those pictures, not just physical pictures, obviously, but those mental pictures because you will wind up comparing yourself, you'll wind up comparing your spouse, and that leads to a form of spectatoring, where that you will never truly let yourself go in making love to your spouse. Here's what you should be thinking about instead. My spouse wants to be with me now, whatever the involvement was with the other person.

Speaker 1: 8:57

Now, maybe it was what we call a short-lived affair. Actually, more often we would call it a high-opportunity, low-involvement affair, like a one-night stand. He met that lady over there, or he was at that convention and went to bed with that person, and how can I compare myself to all those different women that he slept with, or all those different men that she might have slept with? And you can't, but if you're convinced that he's truly penitent. What that means is he's truly sorry for what he did and he really does want to put things back together with you. Then, when you have your conversations, you can ask him about how he got into situations you know what led to that but please, please, please as I've been saying, don't ask him or ask her specific things about what happened.

Speaker 1: 9:47

Now you can ask things like this how would you like for our life to be from this point on, not just in terms of where we live and how we live, but how would you like for our life to be from now on when it comes to sex? Now, if you ask that well, let me say it this way Don't ask that. If you're going to be thinking, uh-huh, my spouse is now talking about what he or she did with the other person, if you're going to think like that, don't ask that question. But if you can get to the point where it's like, no, we can make a wonderful sex life together. We can get to places we've never been, we can do new and exciting things, and I strongly recommend that you have that conversation, not ever asking well, you know, but did you do that with that other person. Don't do that. Just say why would you like that, how would you think that would feel? But you see, at the same time you need to be doing the same thing and make sure that, as you have these conversations, that it isn't all just about physical things like touch me here, kiss me there, that it really is also about very deeply emotional things, about how much you love each other, about how that you put aside other things to be with each other, how that you focus on each other. So did you understand?

Speaker 1: 11:00

So far we've talked about the fact that forgive. We've talked about the fact that you can't let yourself dwell on mental pictures of what your spouse did with the other person, and you certainly won't succeed if you wind up comparing yourself to the other person or wondering how your spouse is comparing you to the other person. The relationship your spouse has with you is a lot more than just sexual. If it's going to be the relationship it needs to be. It involves the body, but it involves the mind, it involves the intellect, it involves the heart, the emotion. It even involves the spiritual part of life, your beliefs and values.

Speaker 1: 11:37

And thinking that you're going to fix everything just with the physical is illogical. You can't fix it just with the physical. We've had people tell us well, my spouse came home the other day and he made love to me again. Therefore, I think we're going to be okay. You can't fix it just with the physical. We're saying yes, if you're ready and if you can forgive, and if you can stop thinking about the other person and you want to make love to your spouse, do so. Concentrate on the physical in terms of how to give him or her as much pleasure as you can. Concentrate on how to guide him or her to give you as much pleasure as you can experience physically speaking.

Speaker 1: 12:20

Don't let either one of you spend time thinking about the other person. Make a pact that from this point on, you will be honest, that you're not going to lie to each other about anything, including your sexual desires, the things that you would like to do with each other. But don't talk about just sex. Always talk about also the emotions involved with that. How do you feel about that? Why does that sound like something that would really sound good to you? I mean, what do you think you would accomplish in terms of our relationship? I want to know how your emotions fit into this not just into what your body wants, but how your mind and your heart and your soul fit into this. And if you can have those kinds of conversations, you can develop a sex life where you never think about that other person again. Even better, where your spouse never thinks about that other person again, because you're going to be starting all over just for the two of you.

Speaker 1: 13:15

But you understand the point If you're going to have passion with your spouse again, it's going to be by focusing on your need for sexual and emotional fulfillment and your spouse's need for sexual and emotional fulfillment, but leaving the past behind. And yeah, I know that sounds like well, you think we can just do that that easily. No, I know you can't, but I know you can, you can. You just can just do that that easily. No, I know you can't, but I know you can, you can. You just can't do it that easily. And we want to help. We want to help in every shape, in every way we possibly can.

Speaker 1: 13:54

Because if you say, well, I'm going to take him or her back, but we're just never going to have sex again, your marriage is going to wind up in trouble all over again, or I'm going to take him or her back, but I'm going to punish them every day for what they've done. No, that's not going to work either. I'm going to take him or her back, but I'm going to make them feel guilty about the things they did with the other person. Your marriage is doomed if you do any of those things. It's a matter of how do you make it work now, and if you're thinking but what if he or she had three different lovers all the time?

Speaker 1: 14:27

Isn't it true that once a cheater, always a cheater? No, there's a reason that he or she had those three different affairs and therefore there needs to be some professional help to help figure out why that happens, so it can stop. But that's another reason that if you have not been through our three-day intensive workshop, we ask you to come so we can help you think that through. And if you'd rather find a professional who is a sex therapist and decide to go to him or her to help you figure that out, that's fine too. Just make sure that that sex therapist has the same belief and value system that you do. But even a person who has been a serial offender man or woman can get past that once they understand what was driving it, get over it and it will never happen again and they can be faithful to their spouses for the rest of their life. So no, it's not true that once a cheater, always a cheater. If that person doesn't find out what's driving that and doesn't deal with that, then, yes, it may be true Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Speaker 1: 15:34

Do you believe you can have a great sex life together? I'm telling you you can. We have worked with thousands and I'm not exaggerating thousands of couples where either the husband has cheated or the wife has cheated sometimes not just in a one-night stand, sometimes in a deep, emotional, long-term affair with another person, but finally realizes what's right and what's good and what they really want in life is to be back with their spouse again, who have put those marriages back together, even after all kinds of horrendous actions took place earlier that they put the marriage back together and are happily married Now, not perfectly married, because that doesn't exist, but happily married. Is that what you want? You can have it. Please call us. We'd love to help in whatever way we can.