Relationship Radio: Marriage, Sex, Limerence & Avoiding Divorce
Relationship Radio: Marriage, Sex, Limerence & Avoiding Divorce
How Can I Become More Physically Attractive Without Changing Who I Am?
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You don’t have to change who you are to look and feel your best. In this video, we’ll talk about how you can become more physically attractive without changing your personality, values, or authenticity.
You’ll learn simple, practical ways to enhance your natural appearance—things anyone can do to boost confidence, posture, and energy—while still staying true to yourself. We’ll cover tips for improving your style, taking care of your body, and showing up in a way that makes people notice you for the right reasons.
If you’ve ever felt like “attractive” means you have to fit someone else’s mold, this video will show you a different approach: how to become more physically attractive without changing the core of who you are. Because true attractiveness isn’t about pretending—it’s about highlighting what’s already great about you.
Watch until the end for practical steps you can start using today to look better, feel better, and attract the right kind of attention—while being 100% you.
#PersonalGrowth #SelfImprovement #Attraction
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Do you remember the first time that you met your spouse, that undeniable feeling of attraction? I know I do. I remember my husband was walking into my dorm room. I was down there with all of my friends and as soon as he came in to take me on our first date, I thought man, this guy is hot. I loved how tall he was. I loved how strong he was. I loved so many things about him and I just continued to become more and more attracted to him the more I got to know him.
Speaker 1:One of the things that we know at Marriage Helper is that there are four aspects of attraction. Physical attraction is one of them and for most of us, physical attraction is the first thing that we were attracted to about our spouse or that maybe we still are attracted to about our spouse. But that's just the first thing. As we get to know them, we begin to become intellectually attracted to them. We enjoy talking to them. We enjoy being with them. We become emotionally attracted to them. We enjoy how they make us feel.
Speaker 1:I remember with my husband we would have amazing conversations about travel or about things that we had learned. I enjoyed talking to him Emotionally. Honestly, I felt like a princess. Sometimes he would send flowers to my dorm room and surprise me, and I was the envy of all of the girls in my hall. We would have long conversations on the phone every single night. I'd wake up to a text from him every morning telling me that he loved me and he hoped I had a great day. And then there was the spiritual attraction. I was attracted to, the kind of person he was, his beliefs and values, his love of Jesus, his generosity towards others. And those are the four areas of attraction physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual. And at Marriage Helper, we call that the pies of attraction.
Speaker 1:And today we're going to talk about how you can become more physically attractive without changing who you are. Because here's the thing we all change. When I first met my husband, I was 20 years old. I am now older. I'm 20 years old and he's older than the 23-year-old that I first met. We all change as we age and while physical attraction never becomes less important, it always stays important. There are things that you can do to become and stay physically attractive to yourself and to your spouse without having to massively change who you are or what you look like.
Speaker 1:I know that there's always a bit of trepidation entering into topics like this, because people tend to think you're just going to tell me I need to lose weight or something like that, that I'm not good enough how I am. But what I'm going to share with you today is a new research study out of the International Journal of Psychiatry or the International Review of Psychology, by Charles Hill, dr Charles Hill and some of his colleagues. That has been one of my favorite research studies recently, to just pour over myself, and here's why Because he talks about in this research article, several different areas of attraction. All that can be encompassed into the four that I've already shared with you physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual, but some of the things he says y'all just wait. You're going to be so energized and excited about what the research is telling us about how we can become more physically attractive without changing who we are.
Speaker 1:But here's the first point that I want you to be able to understand. Number one is that your self-esteem fuels how you feel about yourself, and here's why this matters. A part of this research article and a part of what we know about attraction is that there are two ways that someone can increase how attractive they are, or they can decrease how attractive they are. It's known as attractiveness-enhan enhancing behaviors or self-deprecating behaviors, and this is fleshed out a lot in the research article. But it all stems from one main thing, which is this the way you feel about yourself will lead to you either doing the things that will lead you to be more attractive or doing the things that will make you unattractive Attraction-enhancing behaviors, self-deprecating behaviors but it all stems from self-esteem.
Speaker 1:Now, in my PhD research that I've been doing for my dissertation, self-esteem was one of the major components that I studied throughout my literature review. I have read hundreds and hundreds of articles about self-esteem and here is the real bottom line, super smart definition of self-esteem it's how you feel about yourself. That's truly, at the end of the day, what it is. There's a lot of different scales of self-esteem that measure different aspects and different parts of that, but really it all boils down to how you feel about yourself. There's state self-esteem which is kind of this is the part of self-esteem that can change over time. It may be related to your performance or to your physical self or different things like that. Those are the parts of self-esteem that can change over time. But then there's trait self-esteem, which stays stable. It's overall how you feel about yourself.
Speaker 1:And the way you feel about yourself comes directly from one thing what you say about yourself to yourself. So many times we think, man, I'm only good enough if my husband tells me so or if my wife responds to me in the way that I want her to, or if other people validate me. But that's actually one of the lowest levels of self-esteem when it's dependent on someone else, it's highly volatile. We have to become the kind of people who realize that we have worth, that we have value, and the way that we talk about ourselves are going to fuel that in us. I actually just heard I was listening to an audio book on the way here and I heard the author say in the audio book that 95% of our emotions about ourself comes from how we speak to ourselves, about ourselves as a performance psychology. You don't call it a major when you're getting your PhD, but, as I'm getting my PhD in psychology with the emphasis on performance psychology, my PhD in psychology with the emphasis on performance psychology this is one of the things I know to be true of high performers, athletes, ceos, all of those kinds of people Self-talk is one of the top indicators of how someone will perform. Now we can hear that about a Navy SEAL or a Marine or Usain Bolt and think, man, yeah, that makes sense for them, but it makes just as much sense for you If 95% of your emotions come from the thoughts that you feel about yourself.
Speaker 1:So if 95% of your emotions come from your thoughts about yourself, then the first thing you need to do is change the way you talk about yourself. If you're looking in the mirror and constantly saying, man, I'm so ugly, I'm so fat, I'm so this, I'm so, that you're going to stay in these self-deprecating behaviors, because you already are speaking to yourself poorly, you're just gonna keep doing the poor habits that are keeping you stuck where you are. The number one thing that we need to enter into this conversation realizing is that your self-esteem will lead you to do the right things or to do the wrong things. So let's make sure that you are doing and saying the things to yourself that will lead you to do the right things. The first key takeaway, therefore, is this your own self-esteem profoundly impacts how you feel about yourself, which, in turn, fuels attractive seeking and enhancing behaviors, or a self-deprecating cycle. The study that I read found that our perception of our own attractiveness is heavily linked with self-esteem, which is your overall sense of self-worth.
Speaker 1:When you're feeling down about yourself, you might unconsciously start engaging in behaviors that aren't attractive and that push your spouse away. How many of you, when you've just felt crappy about yourself, end up being irritated at your spouse and then you end up yelling at them for something that they didn't do right? Or they get home and you say you know what? I don't, I just don't want to do that with you right now. They're trying to take you out on a date night, but you feel so bad about yourself that you're just like I just can't, I can't do that right now.
Speaker 1:You end up doing things that push your spouse away because you don't feel good about yourself. Maybe you're also less likely to engage or initiate intimacy when you don't feel good about yourself. You shut your spouse down when they try to compliment you, or maybe you get defensive really easily. Hey, I wish that we could spend some more time together this weekend. Don't you know how busy I am? Can't you see that those are the things that erode intimacy and lead to your spouse being pushed away? Overall, it leads you to be less attractive, even though what I just said has nothing to do with your physical attractiveness. We're going to link those two things here together in just a minute, because here's the thing If your spouse perceives you as being closed off and distant, which is seen as less attractive, then it reinforces the original insecurity you have.
Speaker 1:You already feel bad about yourself. You're doing things that are now pushing your spouse away, which leads you to guess what? Feel worse about yourself. Have any of you ever felt this way? Maybe you feel this way now, and maybe it's not that you're being closed off and distant. Maybe it's that you are craving validation from your spouse so much that you are overly needy that you are relying on them to be your source of happiness.
Speaker 1:This was for sure me in the beginning part of my marriage. I 100% relied on my husband to basically be my full source of happiness, and I defined how I felt about myself from it. If he would come home at the end of a long day and want some time alone, I internalized that, as he doesn't want to spend time with me, therefore he doesn't love me, and I would just follow him around the apartment. I would beg him to spend time with me, and guess what that did? It pushed him further away. When we have low self-esteem, it leads us to do the behaviors that can push our spouse away, which then leads our spouse to seeing us as being less attractive, which then further lowers our self-esteem. We've all been caught in this trap, but there is a way to break out of it.
Speaker 1:So here's the second thing that you need to know Attraction enhancing behaviors spark a positive feedback loop. Those are super psychological words to basically say when we can begin to do the actions that lead a person to be more attracted to us. It is what we say at Marriage Helper if anything works, this will. When you begin working on your pies, and especially the physical part of it, which we're going to get to here in just a second these are the things that can begin to lead yourself back. So the article from Dr Hill and his colleagues shows us that physical attractiveness isn't just a place that you are in any given moment. It's dynamic.
Speaker 1:You can change how physically attractive you come across as by doing a couple of key things Attraction enhancing behaviors You've heard me use that word, but here's what's so cool about them. Here's like. Here's what I truly love about this research. Basically, what it's saying is, when you begin to do the habits that other people see as attractive even if you don't have any change in your weight, in your looks, in your body fat percentage, in any of those things you will be seen as more attractive. You could continue to weigh the exact same that you weigh right now, but if you are working out a couple of times a week, if you're trying to eat healthy, all of a sudden you're seen as more attractive, even if nothing changes physically. Just by the fact that you are engaging in these attraction-enhancing behaviors automatically increases how physically attractive you are. I love this research so much because it begins to take away all of the body esteem and image, body image issues and all of those things that we can get so caught up in that keep us stuck, that keep us from actually doing the things that lead to the best results, because we're looking at the wrong outcome.
Speaker 1:How many times have you felt like you needed to lose weight? And so you go to the gym a couple of times. It's hard, you're sore, you have to wake up early, you don't want to do this, and guess what? The scale's not moving anyway. So you eventually just wake up early. You don't want to do this and guess what? The scale's not moving anyway. So you eventually just give up. But what if your focus point, what if your actual goal, was less about trying to lose 10, 20 pounds and more about I'm going to become the kind of person who works out. I'm going to become the kind of person who chooses healthy foods to nourish my body with. I'm going to become the kind of person who gets eight hours of sleep a night, because those are attraction-enhancing behaviors.
Speaker 1:It's the behavior, it's the habit that leads to the increase in attractiveness, not necessarily the outcome. Now, yes, of course there is a. People are more attracted to people who seem to be muscular and slim and all of that. I'm not saying that there's not an outcome that is seen as attractive. Like no one's looking at Chris Hemsworth and saying he's not attractive right, he's also my husband's crush, like full man crush is Chris Hemsworth and my husband. But all of that to say, guess what? When my husband, even though he doesn't necessarily look like Chris Hemsworth, truthfully I think my husband is more attractive than Chris Hemsworth and I've told him that and he always thinks I'm lying. But when my husband starts working out or when he gets home from going on a run or if he's just lifted some weights. I find that incredibly attractive, much more attractive than if I were to come home and he's just been sitting around playing video games all day. I'm sure you all can see this in your own life, and it doesn't even just have to be the physical attractiveness that is a part of this.
Speaker 1:Those physical attraction behaviors are things that you can do again without changing who you are. You can become more physically attractive without changing any part of who you are. But there's other things that, as you begin to do them, make you more attractive as well. One is putting your phone down when your spouse is talking to you and looking them in the eye. That is an attraction enhancing behavior, because it's increasing the emotional attraction between the two of you. Another attraction enhancing behavior is learning something about what your spouse is interested in and talking with them about it when you're eating dinner together each night. Those are things that increase attraction.
Speaker 1:It's not about buying a new outfit or getting a new haircut. It's about the actions that demonstrate kindness, confidence, intimacy and intellectual engagement. The things like working out and eating healthy show self-discipline, they show vitality, they show self-respect and, ultimately, that's why those attraction-seeking and enhancing behaviors are incredibly attractive. So put your phone down when your spouse is trying to talk to you and listen. Make sure that they feel heard, make sure that they feel appreciated. This act of showing you care is highly attractive, and it also leads your spouse to be able to respond with affection and appreciation, which boosts your self-esteem. So now you're doing things that are already good for you to be doing. That increases your own self-esteem. And then you're seeing positive that are already good for you to be doing. That increases your own self-esteem. And then you're seeing positive feedback coming from your spouse, which further increases your self-esteem. But I think it's important that there's something that we well.
Speaker 1:Actually, there's a third point here, and I know some of you are thinking what do I do, though, if I'm doing all the right things but my spouse isn't reciprocating? And I'm going to get to that in just a minute. But the third point is that attraction is a two-way street, and reciprocity is a huge part of it. So what does that mean? Attraction isn't just something you have, it's something that you co-create. If, back when I first saw my husband and he took me on that date, if I was only attracted to him, then ultimately we would have never ended up having a relationship, because attraction can't always only be one way.
Speaker 1:Eventually it has to be reciprocated in order for a relationship to happen and ultimately, what ends up happening when we get into a state of our marriage struggling or being in a marriage crisis is that we have stopped doing the things that built attraction. We stopped caring about how we looked and doing the things that led us to be physically attractive. We've stopped trying to grow ourselves intellectually and become a fascinating person to talk to. We've stopped being able to have conversations with our spouses about things other than the kids and bills, and that's not very attractive. Or we've started doing the things that actually push our spouse away and we've stopped doing the things that evoke the positive emotions within them. Or maybe it's because we have begun to live differently than what our original beliefs and values were, or maybe our spouse is live differently than what our original beliefs and values were, or maybe our spouse is living differently than what their original beliefs and values were.
Speaker 1:It would be pretty off-putting for me now if, all of a sudden, rob were to become incredibly stringent with his money very strict, not as generous as he used to be, or if he were to abandon his faith. That doesn't mean I would fall out of love with him, but it would be unsettling. I wouldn't be as attracted to him because he's not the person that I fell in love with. And, of course, the same is vice versa. The vice versa is the same. He would feel that way about me as well, like what in the world's going on? It doesn't mean we stop loving, but it does mean that there's something changing in the attraction, and we have to be real about that, we have to be realistic about that, and so reciprocity is key when it comes to attraction.
Speaker 1:This means that a person's attractiveness is influenced by how much they are attracted to the other person. Here's what that means. I'm going to say it again. Okay, a person's attractiveness is influenced by how much they are attracted to the other person. If I am attracted to my husband, I actually feel more attractive myself. The more I express attraction and admiration for my husband, the more that I tell him that he's handsome, that he's strong, that I like the way he looks in those jeans or that I like the way he looks in that shirt, the more I will actually desire him and the more that he will desire me. It is this strong reciprocal relationship, and so we influence how attractive each of us feel and how attracted each of us are to each other, by how we reciprocate the attractiveness and attraction in our relationship. It's a two-way street where a little positive effort on either side can ripple out and help both people feel more attracted and attractive in the relationship.
Speaker 1:So then, what do you do if your spouse isn't reciprocating? You might be listening to this and saying all of that sounds great, but I am doing all of those things and my spouse still, at this point, wants nothing to do with me. Or you may be thinking it's too far gone, like we used to be attracted to each other and I can remember back to that time, but now it feels like it's so irrevocably broken I don't know how we're going to be able to put things back together. This is where we get to the hardest part of this whole discussion, and that's that you have a choice to make, and you get to choose if you're going to keep doing the right things that can rebuild love and save your relationship, or if you're just going to give up. Here's what I mean. Someone has to be the catalyst.
Speaker 1:At Marriage Helper, we say it takes one spouse to save a marriage, and people are always shocked when I say that. I've been on podcasts, I've been on TV shows where people say how can you believe that only one spouse can save a marriage? And I say it's easy, because if any person begins to follow the love path that we teach at Marriage Helper and they begin to work on their pies, they begin to become the most attractive that they can be physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. That is the catalyst that, if anything works, this will in order to bring their spouse back. It takes one spouse to save a marriage. It takes two to eventually reconcile, but those are two different things. It just takes one person you to begin doing these attraction-enhancing behaviors in order to pull your spouse back, in order for your marriage to be better than it ever was before, and that's the decision that you get to make.
Speaker 1:Therefore, you have complete control. You have the control over yourself. You can't control your spouse, but you can control what you do. You get to choose to continue to invest in the relationship regardless of the return, which is a powerful act of love in and of itself, and you also get to model the behavior that you want to see and listen. It's going to take time and it's going to feel lonely. At first. It's gonna feel like you saying you wanna lose 10 pounds and you start going to the gym one week and nothing changes. That's exactly what's gonna happen here. You're gonna feel like you're investing everything you have and seeing no return. But if you continue to do this over time, if anything works, this will. When you give your spouse the best chance to feel safe enough, loved enough and valued enough to eventually be able to respond in kind, that's what begins to change your marriage.
Speaker 1:So here are three things that you can do right now. How do you apply this Number one? All of it stems right now from how you feel about yourself, your self-esteem. So here's what I want you to do Stop saying these negative things about yourself, and I want you to take a personal inventory of your strengths. You don't need to change who you are, unless there's parts of who you are that need to change. If you're being selfish, if you're being, if there's anger issues that you need to work on, if there's alcoholic issues that you need to work on, then, yes, you need to take care of any glaring issues, but overall, you need to remember what's great about you, not in a narcissistic way, but in like a what are my strengths, what are the positive things? How can I lean into positive self-talk? Maybe it's your sense of humor, maybe it's your kindness or your compassion, your work ethic. Whatever it is, take a moment today to remind yourself of what you bring to the table and focus on the good about you.
Speaker 1:The second thing that I want you to do is engage in a specific attraction enhancing behavior. Begin working on your pies and, specifically, if physical is the one that you're struggling with the most right now, then start doing an attraction-seeking behavior. That's in the realm of physical. Start working out, start eating healthier, start getting some more sleep. Or maybe it's that you need to put a phone down when people are talking to you and look them in the eye. Maybe it's that you need to give some more compliments to the people in your life. Maybe you need to give someone a hug. Maybe you just need to hug your spouse or just give them a kiss before they walk out the door, or maybe simply just ask them when they get home how was your day with your undivided attention. When you do those things, these small acts, consistently. Over time they accumulate, they help you feel more attractive and if anything works to make your marriage better, these are the things that will.
Speaker 1:And then the third thing for you to do is make a conscious effort to express admiration and attraction.
Speaker 1:Don't just feel attracted to your spouse. Say it. Tell them when they've done something that is attractive to you, when they have given you an amazing hug and a kiss before work. Maybe you should say thank you and I know there's going to be some people out there who hear that and say why should I thank my spouse for doing the things that they should do as my spouse? I'm not saying you should have sex and then say thank you, like that may be a little bit weird, but when your spouse does something that you want them to repeat, then positive reinforcement like this is behavior modification 101.
Speaker 1:Positive reinforcement is the thing that leads that to continue happening. So tell your spouse when they're wearing something that you think that they look really hot in. Tell them after they've shared a difficult situation with you and they've expressed their emotions. Thank them for trusting you with that. Express admiration and affection towards your spouse. Tell them when they laugh and you or they say something funny that you love, maybe you say, hey, thank you for making me laugh, I love how funny you are. Those are the things that can really end up making a huge difference in a relationship. Over time, it starts the cycle that will end up making both of you feel more attractive and, ultimately, deepen your love.
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