Relationship Radio: Marriage, Sex, Limerence & Avoiding Divorce
Relationship Radio: Marriage, Sex, Limerence & Avoiding Divorce
3 Signs of Unhealthy Communication in Your Marriage
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Are you noticing patterns in the way you and your spouse talk to each other that leave you feeling distant, frustrated, or unheard? In this video, we’ll unpack 3 signs of unhealthy communication in your marriage—and what you can do to stop them before they cause lasting damage.
Drawing from leading research and years of experience at Marriage Helper, we’ll walk through:
✅ Disrespectful communication—why criticism, belittling, or eye-rolling can erode trust.
✅ Avoidance and isolation—why “never fighting” isn’t healthy and how conflict can actually build intimacy.
✅ Jokes at your spouse’s expense—how sarcasm and mockery damage closeness and connection.
If you’ve wondered whether the way you communicate is creating distance instead of closeness, this video will give you the clarity you need. You’ll also learn practical steps to replace unhealthy patterns with healthier, more loving ways of talking with your spouse.
At Marriage Helper, we believe communication can either tear a marriage apart—or transform it into something stronger than ever before. Don’t miss this video if you want to build deeper intimacy, respect, and connection in your relationship.
If you're struggling in your marriage, don’t wait. Get our FREE resource: The 7 Steps to Rescue Your Marriage 👉 https://marriagehelper.com/free
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Let's talk about what some signs of unhealthy communication are that might be showing up in your marriage. In fact, I'm going to be talking about three different things, and these are incredibly important. Now, these three buckets that I'm going to be talking about are actually lots of different areas of research combined into these three areas Research from the University of Washington, research out of a lot of different things, things that we have seen in our own practice at Marriage Helper. So listen up. How do you know if you have unhealthy communication patterns in your marriage? And, more than that, what can you do to stop? How can you communicate better?
Speaker 1:The first sign of unhealthy communication in your marriage is disrespectful communication. This can be critical comments like why are you such an idiot? How in the world could you do something that stupid? Or maybe it's even something like how could you vote for that person? What were you thinking? Those things come across as critical.
Speaker 1:It's a character assassination. It's letting that person or making that person feel like there's something wrong with them, and it's disrespectful, it's harmful to your communication. Or belittling another person, even making them feel like the things that they think, the desires that they have, make them less than that is another absolutely unhealthy communication style. When you even say to someone man, you'd worry about anything, you would worry if the light bulb had to be changed. It belittles that person and makes them feel like again there's something wrong with them. It can be disrespectful communication. It could be putting your spouse down in front of other people, rolling your eyes when your spouse is talking, especially in front of other people, or even blatantly disagreeing about something that they're saying while they're talking. Here's what I mean by that. I'm not talking about like, oh, I don't agree with that. That's not the way I feel I'm talking about. If your spouse is speaking and they say tomato and you say I'm talking about. If your spouse is speaking and they say tomato and you say it's actually tomato, especially in front of other people, that is disrespectful communication.
Speaker 1:The second thing we're going to look for for unhealthy communication is avoidance and isolation. This happens most of the time because your spouse either number one runs away from conflict or number two. They have spent so much time feeling like you don't like them or love them or accept them for who they truly are that they just want to be away from you. If you're starting to notice that your spouse runs away at the first sign of conflict coming up, doesn't want to talk about it with you. That is unhealthy.
Speaker 1:A lot of people that I've spoken to in the past they've said me and my wife have such a great marriage. Me and my husband, we have a fantastic marriage. We never fight, and every time I hear that I think something major is wrong. It is unhealthy to not disagree. It's healthy to fight and have disagreements in your marriage. In fact, 69% of the things that we fight about are never going to be resolved and they're going to keep coming up. But if you avoid those conversations, then you are actually thwarting the ability for intimacy to be created. It is in the conflict that intimacy emerges. What do I mean by that? When I am able to share with my husband how I disagree with him about something else and he is able to accept that about me and love me anyway, I love him more. Intimacy is stronger. I trust him more. So by avoiding fights in our marriage, we're actually destroying our marriage Now.
Speaker 1:The other side of avoidance and isolation is maybe your spouse is avoiding you now because there's been this history of disrespectful communication or making jokes at another person's expense, which is where we're headed next and therefore they just don't want to be around you. What do you do then? We're going to get to that in just a minute and, like I said, the third area of unhealthy communication that we see is making jokes at another person's expense, and this happens way more often than I would like to admit, not necessarily in my marriage. I think my husband and I we did this a lot at first. In fact, my husband remembers. I can't even remember the jokes that he's told at my expense, but a couple of months ago we were talking and he said I was so mean to you in our first couple of years of marriage I really looked down on you with contempt and he shared with me some of the things he would say about me and I was like Rob, I've already forgotten. I don't remember you saying those things at all, but we have heard countless other couples do it, saying things just slight of hand, things like maybe a husband is sharing or talking about how much he enjoyed golfing and again, these are jokes at each other's expense. A lot of times they're happening in front of other people, but they can happen when it's just the two of you. So maybe there's a husband who's talking about how much he enjoyed golfing last week and while he's doing that, the wife is standing there just rolling her eyes and saying at least you care about something. You know there's 18 holes that you get to play on the golf course but there's more than that on the honeydew list at home and people kind of laugh. But overall it leads the other person to feel dejected. Or maybe it's a wife sharing about how man like I'm really struggling because I feel like we're behind on our money saving goals and I wish that we had more money saved up and I'm stressing about it. And then her husband says to her well, maybe we'd have a whole lot more money if you'd stop spending it all.
Speaker 1:I told that joke the other day at a church. It's not actually a joke. I told that example and you know I was telling it with a bunch of small group leaders at church and everyone laughed as I gave it as the example, because that's what people tend to do. If we were to hear someone say that in a group, setting about their spouse in front of their spouse, people tend to laugh. It's a little funny, but it's also really uncomfortable and people laugh and it's a joke made at another person's expense, at the most important person in your life's expense, at your spouse's expense.
Speaker 1:And what tends to happen after that joke is made is people begin to pull away. It can even be mocking comments, like when you're recounting something your spouse said back to them. You do the little meh, meh, meh, meh, meh type voice, which is super annoying. I really hate it. Or you just use this mocking behavior and the way that you speak about your spouse, when you're around your spouse or not, changes the way you treat your spouse.
Speaker 1:If you're out with your girlfriends and y'all are all bashing your husbands, that's disrespectful communication. That is making jokes at your husband's expense. Maybe if you're out with the guys drinking some beers, playing pool and you're all just talking about the old ball and chain, you're making jokes at your wife's expense and it's an unhealthy form of communication. And here's the thing it erodes intimacy, it erodes communication, it erodes passion. It can, over time, even erode commitment. It erodes the thing that builds love. Therefore, it is of utmost importance that you stop.
Speaker 1:So which one of these hit you in the gut? As I was talking about them, you thought, man, I do have some critical moments where I can make my spouse feel like they didn't do something right or like I don't accept them unless they do it my way. I can be critical. Maybe I do have those eye-rolling moments where I just feel like my spouse is such an idiot. Maybe it's that you avoid because you don't want to have a fight, or maybe because you've had so many fights and they end so bad that you've just given up. Or maybe it's that you avoid because you don't want to have a fight, or maybe because you've had so many fights and they end so bad that you've just given up. Or maybe it's that you realize, man, I do make jokes at my spouse's expense more than I should. Which is one? One joke at your spouse's expense is more than you should. Which of those hit you in the gut? Whichever one that is, that's the one you need to stop.
Speaker 1:So what can you do? The first thing that you can do is stop name it. Name to yourself this is the thing I'm struggling with, and then call it out. Call out to yourself I need to change in this area. So then stop. So you're going to name it, you're going to stop doing that thing that leads to unhealthy communication and you're going to start doing something new.
Speaker 1:So the next time that you get frustrated because your spouse didn't load the dishwasher the way that you want it loaded, you're going to stop, you're going to take a breath. You're going to think I'm not going to be critical of them right now. Instead, I'm going to say hey, I appreciate how you tried. Next time, would you mind doing it this way? And that is a much better way to handle it. Instead of avoiding a future fight again, we're naming the thing that you want to change. You're going to stop avoiding and what are you going to start instead? You're going to take that brave and bold step and you're going to go to your spouse and actually have the conversation about the thing you're scared to have a conversation about.
Speaker 1:And maybe the next time that you're out playing pool, a conversation about, and maybe the next time that you're out playing pool with the guys or out with the girls and everyone else starts berating their spouse, you decide you're not going to engage and instead you're going to say something kind about your own spouse and say you know what? Actually, my husband did something really great this week. He bought me flowers, he helped with the laundry, he really stepped up in a way that made me really appreciative of what he does for me. The way you talk about your spouse, even when your spouse isn't there, affects the way you think about and treat your spouse when your spouse is there. That's why this matters.
Speaker 1:So stop with the disrespectful communication, with avoidance and isolation, and with making jokes at your spouse's expense, and start accepting your spouse for who they are, encouraging and thanking your spouse for the things that they've done, and showing your spouse that you appreciate them when they're there and when they're not, and Marriage Helper. We're always looking to put out more content like this that helps you have a better marriage than you've ever had before. So be sure that you subscribe and search our channel. Look for the things that you're currently struggling with right now in your marriage. I guarantee you we have a video for it and, if we don't leave a comment below, I'd love to know what you thought about this video and what you'd like to see in future videos.
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