5 Mindset Shifts To Save Your Marriage

Are you struggling to save your marriage and wondering where to begin? In this video, I’ll walk you through 5 mindset shifts to save your marriage—practical and proven ways to reframe how you think, act, and grow in your relationship.

These five shifts cover the essential questions of who, what, when, where, and why. You’ll discover:

• Why doing this for yourself (not just your spouse) is critical
• What strategies actually work to rebuild connection instead of quick-fix gimmicks
• How long it really takes to restore a marriage in crisis
• Where your focus should be to break free from negativity and resentment
• Why your deeper motivation will keep you going when things feel impossible

Drawing from psychology, performance research, and Marriage Helper’s decades of experience, this video will give you the clarity and encouragement you need to take the right steps forward.

If you want a stronger marriage, it begins with your mindset. These shifts can make the difference between staying stuck and moving toward reconciliation and growth.

👉 Watch until the end—because the last mindset shift is the most important one.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Mindset Shifts
• 1:03 Who: Doing it for Yourself
• 4:07 What: The Push-Pull Principle
• 5:39 When: The Timeline of Recovery
• 8:40 Where: Your Mental Focus
• 11:20 Why: Your Emotional Commitment

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

What are the mindset shifts that you need to focus on when you're trying to save your marriage? There's actually five of them, and that's what we're going to be discussing in today's video, and the most important one is the last one. I love talking about mindset. It's actually a huge part of what I've learned in my PhD studies in psychology and specifically in the area of performance psychology, and one of the things that we know from high-performing people, whether that be athletes, navy SEALs, marines, executives, whatever it might be is that mindset is almost everything. In fact, it is a very common belief in the athletic field that our minds are what limit what our bodies can do, way before our bodies begin to break down. So how does this apply to? Our marriages is likely what you're thinking, and I'm going to explain it right now. The five mindset shifts that need to happen are going to be who, what, when, where and why. So let's start with number one who. The first mindset that you need to really understand is who are you doing this for? Who are you trying to impress? Who are you trying to get feedback from? And here's the thing you're thinking my spouse? My marriage is in crisis. Of course, I am doing this for my wife or for my husband? But that's the first thing that people believe, and things start to fall off track. And you might think, kimberly, that sounds absolutely crazy. What are you talking about? If you are only doing this to get your wife back, or to get your husband back and to get their temporary glance back towards you and for them to start moving closer to you, you're actually, ironically, doing it for the wrong person. Who else should you be doing it for? You might ask. And the answer is you. And here's why Because if you are only looking to your spouse as the indicator of whether what you're doing is working or not, then anything you do and maybe you're doing all the right things You're actually taking things a day at a time. You're practicing the smart contact that we teach at Marriage Helper. You're working on yourself physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually, which we call the pies at Marriage Helper.

Speaker 1: 2:30

When you begin doing those things, which are the right things to do, it can take a long time for your spouse to actually turn back towards you and to begin to move towards you. Spouse, to actually turn back towards you and to begin to move towards you. On the other hand, there's a lot of shady, gimmicky types of things that you'll hear out there on the internet, of things like post your best life ever online so that they get fear of missing out, or start going on dates with other people so that they'll begin to miss what they had and want you back. And guess what? You might get a quicker reaction from your spouse if you use those tactics. But you're doing it the wrong way and you're doing it with the wrong mindset. If you're only doing it to get your spouse back and not because you want to be, ultimately, a better person, you want to be a better husband, you want to be a better wife that is the first person you should do this for, not as a manipulation tactic to try and get your spouse back, but because it's the best thing you can do for you. We should enter into our marriages from the get-go wanting to be the best version of ourselves, but it shouldn't stop when we say I do. That is something that has to continue for the rest of our lives and that's a great thing.

Speaker 1: 3:44

So the first mindset shift is who are you doing this for? And I hope the answer is you, of course you want to do it for your kids. Of course, you want to do it for your family, of course, and those aren't bad things. But when those are your sole focus and you take the focus off of you actually changing to become the person you need to be, that's where things can fall off track. So then, the second mindset we need to cover is what? What is it that you are supposed to do? Again, we go back to a lot of things you hear. You think if you just send the right text message or say the right words, then your spouse is going to come crawling back to you. But it is the incorrect mindset to have the what isn't a quick fix. Your marriage didn't get here overnight. It's not going to be fixed overnight. You have to actually start doing things differently, consistently, over time, in order to see the results you want.

Speaker 1: 4:40

So what are the things you need to do? I don't have time in this video to get into all of the psychological principles and the nitty-gritty of this subject, but here's what I can tell you. It's called push-pull. You want to stop doing the things that are pushing your spouse away and you want to begin doing the things that can pull your spouse back towards you, and that is the things that can pull your spouse back towards you, and that is the proprietary principle that we teach at Marriage Helper. From our own research of what we have found over the years is the push-pull principle Stop doing the things that push your spouse away and begin doing the things that pull your spouse back towards you. And if you want to know more about that, we have a full, free mini course that teaches you how you can begin to stop the pushes and start the pulls, and you can find that in the show notes below or probably somewhere on the screen. So what do you need to do? Not the gimmicks, but the tried and true things, not even tactics, the tools that will lead your spouse, if anything works, to come back.

Speaker 1: 5:40

The third mindset shift that you need to have is when? How long is this going to take? That's a question people ask me all the time and, honestly, you're not going to love the answer, but I promise to always tell you the truth. The truth is, your marriage didn't get to where it is overnight. It's not going to be fixed overnight, like we just said. In fact, it's more than likely that your marriage began showing problems, statistically, six years ago Now again, that's a statistic. So if you've been married two years and thinking but I wasn't married six years ago, this is lumping everyone together. From research we know that on average, couples start experiencing problems six years before they ever get to the point of reaching out to help for those problems.

Speaker 1: 6:27

Now here's one thing I know. When I have some kind of injury, like if I've sprained my ankle or injured my shoulder, or if I have a low back pain or something, and I don't get help for that and I just keep pushing through and saying everything will be fine, what happens? The longer I ignore the injury and just try and push through, the worse it gets. If you don't actually do things to repair and rebuild and fortify and strengthen, then the things are only going to get worse, and the same is true in our marriages. So when is this going to happen? When are you going to get worse? And the same is true in our marriages. So when is this going to happen? When are you going to start seeing your spouse begin to turn back towards you? How long is this going to take? I don't know, but it's going to take longer than a week, longer than a month, maybe sometimes longer than a year, and you may be sitting there thinking I can't wait that long.

Speaker 1: 7:23

You're stronger than you think you are. This is your most important earthly relationship. Isn't it worth giving it all you have to turn it around and to bring it back, isn't it? Isn't it worth it for you? Isn't it worth it for your kids? Isn't it worth it to try and keep your family together? I fully, fully believe that it is, and so it's going to take you doing the right things consistently over time, and it's going to take months, honestly, for full reconciliation to happen and for your marriage to be stronger than ever before. It's going to take a couple of years, but it's during those years you're going to grow, you're going to become stronger. You're actually through that trial and through all of the suffering and how much it all sucks. You're going to come out the other side realizing that you have grown so much more than you ever thought you would. You are stronger than you ever thought you would be, but it's only because you persevered through the trial. So persevere. Get that into your mindset shift.

Speaker 1: 8:32

The fourth question and mindset shift, then, that we have to have is where and you might be thinking, where are we going with this one. Where is your mind now? What are you thinking about? Are you thinking about how much you hate your spouse currently, how angry you are, how much you resent them for what they've done to you? Where your mind is is where your heart is, and where your heart is is what your mouth speaks. And if your mindset is in a negative place, you are going to end up being a negative person. You're actually going to end up thwarting your own growth. You're not going to be able to see the change that you wish that you could see, because of your own mindset. So where is your mind currently? Instead, if you were to focus on the good, the hopeful, the things that are going right, it changes you.

Speaker 1: 9:29

A couple of weeks ago, I had an anxiety attack, and many of you who have watched me for a while know that I have had anxiety since I was six years old. But I really focus on it. I have to focus on keeping my mind in a positive place. But here's the thing when I feel an anxiety attack beginning to come on, here's the thing. When I feel an anxiety attack beginning to come on, I know like it starts here. It starts in my thoughts, and if I allow my mind to focus on those anxious thoughts and allow myself to go deeper and deeper down that hole, the more anxious I become, until it can become a full-blown attack, to where I'm just laying in bed, can't even get out, don't even know what to do.

Speaker 1: 10:08

Maybe some of you have felt that way. Maybe you felt that way with anger, or maybe you felt that way with depression. Maybe you felt that way, like me, with anxiety. Maybe you felt that way with resentment. The more you focus on that thing, the more you feel it and you don't like the person you are when you are that way, when you're thinking about that thing. So then replace that thought. Where is your mind? Put it on the good. My favorite book says whatever is praiseworthy, whatever is true, whatever is good, think about those things. So that's what you need to do too.

Speaker 1: 10:42

I've started a practice with both of my kids. Every night, as I go to tuck them in, the first question I ask is what are three good things? That happened today? And let's be real, especially with my son, who tends to focus on all the things that didn't go the way he wanted it to, it was a struggle. It was a struggle for him to think of three good things, but the more we've gotten into the practice of it, the easier it becomes, and it will for you too. So maybe you just start there every day. What are three good things that happened today? That is a great place to start.

Speaker 1: 11:16

Finally, and most importantly, the fifth mindset shift that you need to have is why? Why are you doing this? We know who you should do it for. We know what you need to do. We know when it's going to occur, how long it's going to take, we know where your mindset is makes a huge difference. But the most important thing and none of those other things matter until you really focus on this one is why are you doing this?

Speaker 1: 11:48

Because if you are only doing it because you're just trying to get your spouse back so that ultimately, one day you could just end up hurting them the way they hurt you, you might be thinking Kimberly. That sounds crazy. I've seen this happen so many times, where really, the spouse who's being left just wants to get their spouse back so they can end up having their revenge affair. It's not the right mindset. Why are you doing this? Are you doing it because you love your spouse? Are you doing it because you want to see your family stay together. These are the whys that you need to start with, in order to keep you focused and to keep you doing these things day in and day out.

Speaker 1: 12:33

When it takes time, when you're not getting the feedback from your spouse that you hoped you would, when all of it still feels like it's not working, the why is what is going to keep you doing the things, the right things and the next right thing that you need to do in order to save your marriage.

Speaker 1: 12:50

It's not wrong for your why to be because I love my spouse and I love my family and I want to make this work. The more emotional you can get about your why, the stronger you will be committed to saving your marriage, no matter what crazy things life throws your way. Why are you doing this? And maybe you might be thinking, but I don't know right now. If I love my spouse, how can I, with all the hurt and pain that I feel and that's okay too If your why is I made a commitment and I want to do everything I can to see this through some days. That is enough. Do everything I can to see this through Some days. That is enough. Why do you want to save your marriage and commit to doing it, to doing the right things even when life gets hard? And these are the five mindset shifts that, if anything works to help you save your marriage, this will.