Relationship Radio: Marriage, Sex, Limerence & Avoiding Divorce
Relationship Radio: Marriage, Sex, Limerence & Avoiding Divorce
3 Hidden Signs Your Marriage Is In Trouble
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Do you feel something is “off” in your marriage but can’t quite explain it? The truth is, the biggest warning signs of a troubled marriage aren’t always obvious. In this video, Dr. Joe Beam reveals 3 hidden signs your marriage is in trouble—and why couples often miss them until it’s too late.
After working with thousands of couples over 30+ years, Dr. Beam explains:
✅ Why “we never saw this coming” is more common than you think
✅ The dangers of emotional drift and what it looks like in everyday life
✅ How secretiveness creates distance (even without an affair)
✅ Why criticism and keeping score can destroy your bond
✅ The specific steps you can take TODAY to turn things around
Whether your spouse has pulled away, mentioned divorce, or you simply feel disconnected, this video will give you hope. At Marriage Helper, we’ve seen marriages restored even after affairs, separation, and divorce papers were filed. No marriage is too far gone if the right changes are made.
If you're struggling in your marriage, don’t wait. Get our FREE resource: The 7 Steps to Rescue Your Marriage 👉 https://marriagehelper.com/free
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Do you feel that something isn't quite right in your marriage, but you can't put your finger on what it is? If so, you'll definitely want to spend the next few minutes with me. I've been working with marriages for more than 30 years and I can tell you that the marriages in the most menacing trouble aren't the ones where they're screaming and throwing things at each other. No, the ones that are in greater trouble are those that end with we never saw this coming. We seemed fine. We weren't fighting, at least not much. We went to the same church, even took family vacations together. Then, one day, out of the blue it seemed, my spouse said I want a divorce. Spend a few minutes with me and I'll share with you three major hidden signs that your marriage may be in trouble, signs that most people miss until the damage is already done. Now, first, I'll share briefly why I can help you with this. Then we're going to walk through three warning signs that people consistently miss, signs that could save your marriage if you recognize them now. Finally, I'll give you specific steps you can take today, whether your spouse is willing to work on your marriage or not. You'll get all that if you'll spend these few minutes with me right now. Oh, by the way, if you're thinking my marriage is already too far gone, stay with me to the very end, because at Marriage Helper, we believe that every marriage can be saved if certain things happen, and I mean every marriage. We've witnessed that thousands of times over the last three decades. You may well discover that your marriage isn't too far gone and that it can be rescued even after all this happens.
Speaker 1:Now, before we dive into these hidden signs, let me tell you why I'm qualified to help you with this. I'm Dr Joe Beam, the founder of Marriage Helper. I have a PhD from Australia's University of Sydney, where I research the causes of, and correlation between, marital satisfaction and sexual satisfaction. I've written multiple books, been interviewed on the Today Show, good Morning America and focus on my family, as well as being quoted in national magazines. More importantly, over the past three decades, thousands of people have read my books, enrolled in courses, been to seminars or participated in workshops that I developed. Now, sorry if that sounds like bragging. I simply want you to know that I'm not some guy who has no clue what he's talking about. I do know and I can help you, but here's what makes me most qualified to talk to you today. The information I share wasn't learned only from books, university classes, working with married couples or research.
Speaker 1:In the 1980s, my wife Alice and I went through a devastating divorce. I had an affair, I became a drunk, I lost everything my occupation, my reputation and my family and for three years I was divorced from my Alice, and each one of us fully believed that our marriage was over forever. But by the grace of God, we salvaged the marriage. Nobody believed had even the shadow of a chance. Alice and I remarried in 1997, and we've been happily married together ever since. Our third daughter, kimberly, who now runs Marriage Helper as our CEO, literally owes her existence to the fact that we were able to restore our relationship. I tell you this not to impress you and certainly not to gain your pity, but so you'll understand. When I tell you there's hope for your marriage, I'm not speaking from only my formal education and my experience with helping couples. I've walked through the valley of marital death and I've seen resurrection on the other side.
Speaker 1:So now let's talk about these hidden signs. What I'm about to share with you comes from decades of working with couples right on the edge of divorce. Now the first hidden sign has to do with what I call emotional drift. Through our work we've learned there's a process people go through in a failing relationship. Life together fades from positive emotions to neutral emotions and then, if nothing changes, into negative territory Very negative. Here's what this looks like. You used to feel excited when your spouse came home from work. At some point you devolved to feeling nothing. It's not that either of you are angry or resentful, just indifferent. Whenever you or your spouse talks, the other person listens with the same emotional engagement you'd give to a weather report. A phrase that instantly catches our attention is when a person describes their marriage as okay or says they're somewhat satisfied. Think about it Somewhat satisfied is not success. It's a warning sign. Research indicates that couples who describe themselves as somewhat satisfied are at a degree of risk. Why? Because somewhat satisfied may well mean that you've drifted into emotional neutral. Either one or both of you no longer do or say things that evoke positive emotions in the other, and from neutral it can be a short slide into evoking negative emotions. That's when thoughts of leaving start to feel reasonable.
Speaker 1:It's emotional connection that's most important to a relationship. When each of you does things that evoke positive emotions in the other person. Those positive emotions pull you together. Over time, however, life together can devolve into a neutral state where you evoke little to no emotion from each other. We call that a neutral state. Your relationship may seem okay because strong negatives are not occurring, but your connection has already moved from where it needs to be for a lifelong love. Maybe I can say it this way Ceasing things that evoke negative emotions in each other is crucial, because those negative emotions will drive you apart. However, while not doing the negative things, is crucial to stop pushing you away from each other. Stopping them does not pull you closer together. You've simply stopped pushing each other apart. You're in neutral and while that's far better than negative, it does not lead to growing together, especially in your love.
Speaker 1:And, as I mentioned already, from there it doesn't take much to devolve into a state where, if you evoke any emotions from each other, they're negative emotions. You find yourself bickering over little things. You disagree more. You find less to do together that you both enjoy. You become more sensitive to each other's habits or routines. Things that seemed okay or maybe even cute in the past now irritate you. If you're thinking well, that's just normal after years of marriage. Let me be clear it is common, but it's not healthy. It may seem rather petty now, but eventually, if things keep building up, one or both of you will find it very difficult to live like that. Or even worse, someone may come along that evokes positive emotions that are a joy to feel and, even if you thought it could never happen, a romance outside the marriage begins. Now, if you're a neutral or negative, can you move back to evoking positive emotions with each other? Absolutely? However, that won't happen without learning how to turn the tide if you're already drifting apart Emotionally. Drifting into neutral is a warning sign, don't doubt that. And here's another warning sign.
Speaker 1:The second hidden sign is secretiveness, and this one is so sad because it's so preventable. I'm not just talking about hiding major things like affairs, though that certainly happens. I'm talking about the small secrets that create distance. You or your spouse start guarding your phone more carefully, you develop new friendships that the other doesn't know much about, or one or both of you change passwords you used to share. A user of you becomes vague about where they've been or who they've been with. Maybe one of you starts working out suddenly, changing their appearance or buying new clothes without mentioning why. Now I want to be careful here. People have a right to privacy and not every new friendship or personal improvement is a threat to your marriage. But when these changes happen alongside emotional distance, such as I just discussed, and especially when either of you becomes defensive about innocent questions, that's a warning sign. Here's what's happening.
Speaker 1:When people start feeling disconnected in their marriage, they often become susceptible to what else might be possible. They're not necessarily looking for an affair or planning to leave. They're just starting to wonder if there might be someone out there who would get them understand them better than you do. The tragedy is that most of the time, what people begin to experience in these outside connections understanding, appreciation, excitement are things their spouse would love to provide. If they only knew how. So far we've discussed evolving into neutral emotions with each other and the problem of being secretive rather than being open and transparent. Let's take time to examine one more sign, the third sign. The third and final hidden sign I'll talk about in this video is when the balance has shifted from support to criticism in your marriage.
Speaker 1:In healthy marriage, your spouses are each other's biggest cheerleaders. They celebrate successes, often comfort during failures and generally assume the best about each other's motives, but when marriages are in trouble, couples start keeping score. They notice everything their spouse does wrong and minimize what they do right. They interpret neutral actions negatively. They bring up past mistakes during current disagreements. Here's what this sounds like. You never help with the kids. You're always on your phone. You never remember to.
Speaker 1:You see, what's happening is that you're developing what in our world of working with marriages, we call negative sentiment override. You're so focused on each other's flaws and failures that you can't see your spouse's efforts and good intentions, or, if you do see them, you assign less than positive motivations to them. Now, when they bring you a gift, you're wondering what they want out of it, or what they're trying to cover up, or what they feel guilty about. This creates a cycle where one or both of you becomes increasingly negative about anything the other does, says or doesn't do or say. At the same time, the other spouse feels unappreciated, so they finally stop trying, which gives the negative spouse more ammunition for criticism. Now, if either of you finds yourself thinking negatively and assigning selfish motives to the other, or if your conversations feel like accusations and defensiveness rather than sharing life together, this is a critical warning sign. You're no longer being pulled together. It feels like that everything that happens pushes you further apart.
Speaker 1:Now, why do you think couples miss these signs? Oh, let me say of course there are more signs, but in this video I only had time for three and hopefully you noticed that the primary principle is that when you stop evoking positive emotions in each other and devolve into neutral interactions that lead to just living together rather than feeling good about your relationship, you're already on the wrong path. Being secretive so that parts of your life are hidden from the other, and eventually getting into that state where you evoke more negative emotions than anything else about the things you do or say, such as being critical, will lead at least one of you, if not both, to that state of negative sentiment override, and when that happens, you're in trouble, likely much deeper trouble than you realize. So what do you do if you recognize one or more of these warning signs in your marriage? Well, let me give you some practical steps. First, don't panic. Recognizing these warning signs early is actually a gift. Most of the couples we work with don't identify these problems until their spouse is ready to leave, talking to a divorce attorney or even involved with somebody else. You still have time to turn things around. Oh, by the way, if your marriage is already in one of these crisis situations, we have great success in helping those. We can help you.
Speaker 1:Second, focus on what you can control Yourself. Remember it takes two people to have a marriage, but only one person to start saving it. You can't force your spouse to change, but you can start making changes that create an environment where love can grow again. Here's what I mean by that. Start paying attention to what I call pushes and pulls. I've been demonstrating them throughout this video.
Speaker 1:Pushes evoke negative emotions in the other person. Pushes are behaviors that drive your spouse away emotionally Criticism, nagging, taking them for granted, being defensive. Pulls evoke positive emotions in the other person. Pulls are behaviors that draw them closer. Evoke positive emotions in the other person. Pull their behaviors that draw them closer Kindness, understanding, acceptance of who they are rather than who you want them to be Appreciation, curiosity, affection, support. Start increasing your pulls and decreasing your pushes. And third, if your spouse seems open to it, have an honest conversation. Don't accuse them of anything, but share what you feel. Say something like I've been thinking about our marriage and I realize that we aren't as close as we once were. I want us to work on that together.
Speaker 1:But here's what's crucial Even if your spouse isn't interested in working on the marriage right now, you can still make these changes yourself. In fact, sometimes the best way to help your spouse fall back in love with you is to become the person you were when they fell in love with you the first time, or even a better person. Now, some of you watching this are dealing with a spouse who has emotionally checked out, or maybe they've even said they don't want to be with you anymore. They want a divorce. Now, if that's, you, don't lose hope. So if our greatest success stories come from marriages where only one spouse was willing to fight for the relationship, when your spouse says, I love you but I'm not in love with you, they're usually telling you the truth about how they feel right now. But emotions always change. We can teach you how, but I don't have time here.
Speaker 1:If your spouse has told you they want out, your instinct might be to chase them to convince them, to promise you'll change, but that usually backfires because it comes across as desperate rather than attractive and strong. Instead, give them space. While you work on becoming your best self. Focus on rebuilding your own emotional, physical, intellectual and spiritual health. Show them through your actions intellectual and spiritual health. Show them through your actions, not your words, that you're serious about change. There's always hope for your marriage Always and it was three decades of working this work. I have never seen a marriage that couldn't be saved if people were willing to do the work. And even when only one person is willing, we see marriage miracles happen all the time.
Speaker 1:We offer several ways to get help. Our three-day workshops have extremely high success rates. We also have online programs, individual coaching and resources that can help you wherever you are on this journey. Now, if you're ready to stop just hoping your marriage will get better and start taking specific action to make it better, I encourage you to visit marriagehelpercom. You can make our free marriage assessment to get a clearer picture of where you stand and you can explore which of our programs might be right for your situation. If you'd like a free call with one of our staff no, not a counselor, but someone who can help you know if what we offer can be of value to you then go to marriagehelpercom slash call. But whether you work with us or not, please don't ignore these warning signs. Your marriage is worth fighting for, your spouse is worth fighting for and you are worth fighting for. Don't give up. Get help. Your marriage is worth it.
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