How To Begin Reconciling When He's Still Unfaithful

In this segment, taken from our live show, Dr. Joe and Kimberly talk with a wife who wants to reconcile the marriage but is encountering some resistance... her husband is still sleeping with his affair partners.

Dr. Joe and Kimberly give insight into how to start exploring reconciliation, even when your spouse might not be willing.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Caller’s Situation And Workshops
• 0:30 Daily Sex And Smart Contact
• 1:16 Moving From Ease To Explore
• 2:32 Storytelling To Build Intimacy
• 4:31 Polyamory, Honesty, And Boundaries
• 6:05 Mapping Sexual History To Meaning
• 7:20 Practical Setup And Next Steps

Transcript

SPEAKER_02: 0:00

Hi, Dr. Jo. Hi Kimberly. Um, I found you guys in 2023, uh, a couple months after my husband asked for a divorce. I went to the Solo South workshop in September of 2023, and my husband and I actually just attended the couples workshop in person in February of this year. And I feel like I'm really good at smart contact for the most part. Um, we're really good at ease, like we've become very good friends. Um, we are still very sexually active and have neurocompatibility issues there.

SPEAKER_00: 0:41

But really how often is sexual how often?

SPEAKER_02: 0:48

Uh daily. Daily sometimes multiple times a day.

SPEAKER_00: 0:53

That's often that's often.

SPEAKER_01: 0:55

I don't know how you can get much as often.

unknown: 0:57

Okay.

SPEAKER_00: 0:59

I'm sorry for you.

SPEAKER_02: 1:01

Sometimes there's days that we don't, but it's usually because we're too tired. Or if he's off doing something else, because unfortunately he does have affair partners as well.

SPEAKER_00: 1:08

Okay, so how well obviously we can't help you with your sex life. What how else can we help you?

SPEAKER_02: 1:15

Um, so I'm really having a difficulty in trying to figure out how to switch over from ease to explore because with trying to stick to smart contact, I don't bring up relationships information, like stuff about where is this going or where where do you see our future or anything like that? Um, because that's when he kind of gets scared and pulls back. And so I've learned, okay, I'm just gonna let him lead on that. Um, but it's like at what point do you change from just okay, I want to be friends with you, and we're kind of doing all this other stuff to how do we talk about the future and if reconciliation is even a possibility?

SPEAKER_00: 1:57

Do you talk about sex?

SPEAKER_02: 2:01

Um yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 2:03

Okay, other than the highly sexual conversation, do you talk about sex in any sense of the word having to do with intimacy, openness?

SPEAKER_02: 2:14

Um I'm not sure I understand what you mean by that. Like we talk about wants and needs when it comes to sex, but not necessarily And each person feels understood and accepted in that way? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 2:31

Okay. Then you can actually kind of make this into a game. You can say, okay, I'm really enjoying making love with you. It's fulfilling to me, obviously fulfilling to you. But let's do this to see if we can make it even more fulfilling. Uh let's start talking about what we feel. So before we make love, once a week before we make love, each one of us is going to tell a story that that explains how you feel about life today. And this is gonna open up more intimacy, which will make our sex not less exciting. Now, it won't necessarily make it more sex more exciting, but it will make it more fulfilling. Because then we're not just making love to each other's bodies, we start making love to each other's souls, to each other's hearts. And so let's do this well, once a week, once every two weeks, we'll start off. I'll tell a story from my childhood and tell you I think it affects me today. And you do that. Now, you're not going to be telling side stories, probably in in context of sex. But if you get into doing those stories, then you can after a while separate that from the sex act. Like, hey, I've been enjoying learning about you. I hope you've been enjoying learning about me. Uh, let's just sit on the patio or the back deck or a front porch, whatever you have, and and let's just tell a story where we can be even more honest because we're not going to be thinking about how's it going to affect our lovemaking in 20 minutes. Let's just see how it affects us being open and transparent. So tie it to something that's working now, which apparently is sex, and then gradually move it over to the other. And that's how you will get it happening. If you can get each other, if each other, you can get to a point of talking about stories from your childhood that affect how you think, how you feel, how you believe, how you act, any of those. And you can do that, you know, every two, three weeks, something like that. And you can do that over a period of time, it'll definitely move you into a situation where you're talking about much more involved, much more serious things, but at the same time without pushing, and actually we're coming closer and closer together.

SPEAKER_01: 4:27

I have one clarifying question that I need to ask Laura. Laura, did you say that your husband is currently involved with other affair partners?

SPEAKER_02: 4:39

Um, yes, he is involved with at least one, which he says that he's no longer involved with, but that's not the case because they slip up, they work together, they it's complicated. Um, but he is also very active in social media and certain social circles that promote polyamory and multiple sex partners and stuff like that. And he knows that that is not something that I am interested in.

SPEAKER_00: 5:09

I didn't, I didn't hear not hear that.

SPEAKER_01: 5:11

I think Joe has a new answer for you now.

SPEAKER_00: 5:15

I didn't I didn't hear that.

SPEAKER_01: 5:17

Well, I mean, so the the core question is they're in ease. Like they are moving, they're still having sex, they're slightly slowly moving towards reconciliation. What I believe Laura is wanting is she's wanting to go from that ease stage to explore so that he begins to make a decision to stop those things.

SPEAKER_00: 5:35

I would still say you could do the same thing from the stories from childhood, because of the fact that apparently he knows you know he's involved with other people sexually, correct?

SPEAKER_01: 5:44

Yes, he's very honest about it.

SPEAKER_00: 5:46

Okay. Then start there.

SPEAKER_01: 5:47

Because he's wanting a polyamorous relationship.

SPEAKER_00: 5:50

Yeah, okay. Let's start there. Say let's get on the deck, patio, front porch, whatever. What I want you to do is tell me uh about your first sexual experience and how that affects you today. And then let's just kind of walk forward to that. I want to hear the story. I want to hear everything. I want to hear what what kind of sexual thoughts you had when you were a teenager or even younger. And and I want to understand why sex is so important to you. So just tell me stories. Tell me about your first sexual experience, tell me what you felt, what you thought, etc. Because what you have going on here is hypersexuality. And and I missed I did miss that. I missed that altogether earlier. I apologize. Uh here's another question. Why are you still having sex with him multiple times a day if he's sleeping with other people?

SPEAKER_02: 6:39

He we have discussed that he needs to be safe with other people um for my health and for his. And the sex we have is incredible. It's great, it's wonderful, and I will not go outside my marriage for that. So for me, it's like I'm staying true to my beliefs and values, and my only sexual partner is my husband.

SPEAKER_00: 7:03

And you obviously love this guy very much.

SPEAKER_02: 7:07

Right? Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00: 7:09

Okay. I then I'm gonna stay with it. Say, okay, this is not a pr uh uh a predecessor to our having sex. This is me wanting to understand you better. Let's get away from the kids if you have any. Let's get away from the TV, the phones, turn them off, etc. And then we're gonna sit down on the porch or you know, someplace where it's just the two of us being comfortable. And I want you to start telling me about that. And I would start with this tell me about your first sexual memory, whatever it is. And and if you do that, you can work through helping him and you understand why this is so important to him, why he's crucially wanting to do this. And until you guys can figure that out, and it may at some point take a professional, but until you guys figure that out, his behavior's not going to change.