Why Your Wife Wants A Divorce

If you are watching this, it’s likely your wife wants a divorce, and you want to save the marriage. If you are willing to take responsibility and step up as a leader, not a dictator, but a true husband and father, this video is for you.

In this video, Dr. Joe Beam breaks down the psychology behind why women leave and introduces the concept of the "Push" and the "Pull." It isn't about magic bullets; it's about understanding the deep-seated "whys" behind her decision and taking specific actions to turn it around.

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If you are asking, "Why does my wife want a divorce?", it almost always comes down to three specific dynamics.

1. The Push (Driving Her Away) This occurs when your behavior evokes negative emotions in your wife. Even if you didn't mean to, things like angry outbursts, ignoring her, controlling behavior, or making her feel disrespected push her out the door.

The Fix: Identify what behaviors are causing her pain and STOP them immediately.

2. The Lack of Pull (No Emotional Connection) You might not be pushing her away, but you aren't drawing her in. A lack of pull means you aren't evoking positive emotions. She needs to feel heard, understood, accepted, and safe.

The Fix: Learn to listen to understand (not to fix) and create a safe emotional space.

3. The Outside Pull (A Better Option) This isn't always another man. An outside pull can be a dream, a career, a new self-image, or a lifestyle she desires more than her current life with you.

The Warning: Do not try to attack the outside pull (or the other guy). It will only make her defend it. Focus on fixing your own pushes and pulls.

ABOUT THE VIDEO
If your wife has said "I love you but I'm not in love with you," or if she is already filing for divorce, panic is your enemy. Many men react by begging, pleading, or getting angry—all of which act as "pushes."

Dr. Joe explains that saving a marriage requires:

Owning your part: Admitting that you may have contributed to the breakdown.

Willingness to learn: Moving past "I know everything" and seeking expert help.

Urgency: Understanding that waiting for her to "come to her senses" usually leads to divorce.

Recommended Resource: We have worked with over 25,000 couples with a high success rate, even when one spouse wanted out. If you are willing to make the investment of time and effort, check out our 3-Day Intensive Workshop.

If you're struggling in your marriage, don’t wait. Get our FREE resource: The 7 Steps to Rescue Your Marriage 👉 https://marriagehelper.com/free

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Chapters

• 0:00 Framing The Crisis And Leadership
• 2:05 Three Reasons Marriages Break
• 5:15 What Counts As A Push
• 7:50 Building Emotional Pull Without Games
• 9:35 Ignore Outside Pulls You Can’t Control
• 12:10 Owning Your Part And Learning
• 15:10 Workshops, Process, And Expectations
• 17:35 Investment, Urgency, And Next Steps
• 19:20 Tools, Limits, And A Call To Act

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Hi, I'm Joe. The fact that you're watching this video tells me two things about you. And at least one of them is an assumption. The first is that you're watching this because your wife wants a divorce, but hey, that's pretty obvious, right? The other is that you want to save the marriage. And I hope indeed that you really do, because what this world needs right now, we need men who will be men. I don't mean some kind of a jerk who tries to dominate your wife and treat her as if she's inferior. I'm not talking about that concept of masculinity. But at the same time, where that you are the leader. I don't mean in the sense, again, of being dominant, but you're the leader. You lead your family, that you feel responsible for them, and that you do your best to be not only a good husband, but if you have children, that you're also a good father. Man, I remember seeing on Facebook a couple of years ago, this guy posted on there, Well, my wife wants to go and find herself. And because I love her, I'm setting her free. I won't do anything. And I thought to myself, Who are you? Why don't you grow some? It tells me either that he has become more feminine than masculine, and if that's what he chooses to do, that's his business. Or he really didn't love her to begin with, and he just wanted her to go. Well, I'm assuming that you're a man. Not again in that jerk sense, but in the sense of that you take responsibility. You want to be a good husband, and if you have children, you want to be a good father, and you don't want your marriage to end. Well, you might be thinking, but listen, Joe, you don't you don't know why my marriage is ending. Well, obviously I don't know specifically because who knows who will be seeing this video around the world. But I can know that there are three basic areas where it happens. I've been working with marriages for over 30 years and have a great team of people working with me. We work with people not just in America, but all over the world. And in these three areas, see if you find yourself in one of these. One is that your wife feels pushed away from you. You say, Well, I never did that. Listen. If you have been treating her with angry outburst, if you have been ignoring her when she tries to talk to you, if you have been that dominant, controlling human being that sometimes people can be, any of those things, you're pushing her away from you. Because she doesn't feel loved, she doesn't feel liked, she doesn't feel respected. And there's a tremendous amount of research out there that indicates that that's why women typically won't out of a marriage. I don't feel like he loves me. I don't feel that he likes me. I don't feel that he respects me. Now, you may also be feeling the same way about the way she acts toward you, but we're talking about you being the leader right now and what you can do about this. Oh, by the way, before I give you the other two reasons, I suggest you stay with me through this entire video because I'm going to show you some things at the end of this that you can do to turn this thing around. Now, the second reason it may not be that you're pushing her away, even if you didn't realize that was what you were doing, but the second means that maybe just maybe you weren't doing the things to pull her toward you. I don't mean in some manipulative grabber and pull her kind of way. I mean in doing those things that evoke the emotions within her that she enjoys feeling. Like I want to know that you genuinely care about me, not just you saying that. I want to feel it by the way that you act. How much you listen to me, how much you really try to understand my emotions, what I want, what I don't want, all those kinds of things. Because you see, even men are drawn toward people they feel that accept them and understand them, but especially women. And so it could be that she's drifting it away from you because of the fact, not that you necessarily pushed her away, but if you did, you need to admit that you did, but that you didn't have a pull. Or the third big area is that there's another pull out there. You said another guy, maybe it can be that, but sometimes the other pull can be a dream. I've seen it even like this. Uh uh, one woman I'm thinking about right now, she went through a dramatic weight loss, and then she got herself a better wardrobe, and then she got herself a good job and began to go up the corporate ladder, and her image of herself changed. And that became the major pull to her. Because of the fact that her husband's over here is still the husband he used to be, and she's growing. And so the pull was, I need to leave you because I want to be better than what you want to be. You say that doesn't really happen. Well, yeah, it does. Just the other day, I was working with a guy whose wife works around high-powered, intense types of men who make all kinds of great things happen because they're so driven. And her husband is a rather laid-back, easy-going guy, which is okay. Who can be that? But when she starts comparing the two of them, she was pulled toward the man that she felt was more of the man. Now, is that guy more of a man than her husband? I don't think so. But she perceived him as being more of a man. And so, did you hear those three? The first is that whether you meant to or not, you pushed her away. The second is that you just haven't been doing those things to pull her emotionally towards you. Or the third is, there's some pull out there, a person, a dream, an idea, a concept that she's now chasing. And sometimes it can be a combination of two or all three of those things. You say, okay, that thanks a lot. You've just made me feel worse about my whole situation and making me feel like it's all my fault. No, no, no, please don't hear it that way. What I want you to understand is that once you begin to get a good grasp of what it is that's causing the problem, then you begin to know what to do to resolve the issue. If you really do want to save your marriage, then it would be good to figure out which of those three or which combination of those three is actually leading her to want to divorce you. So, what do you do? Well, again, I'm talking in broad terms right now. I'll get more specific in a couple of minutes, but still in the broad terms, you need to stop any pushes that you're doing that that's pushing her away from you. You say, okay, can you make me understand a push a little better? Sure, guys. Think about it this way. It's anything that you do, it could be something you actually should be doing that you're not doing, but anything that you do that's evoking a negative emotion in her. Like if you yell at her when you get mad and you think that's just how guys are, she'll learn how to live with that. Or if you're ignoring her when she's trying to talk to you, or if you're telling jokes at her expense when you're in front of other people. I could give you a list of a thousand things here if we had time. If you're doing those kinds of things, and you what you need to do is ask yourself this Am I evoking negative emotions within her about what I'm doing or not doing? And oh, by the way, you don't get to decide what kind of emotion she should feel. She does. And so you think, no, that's just funny, you should have enjoyed that. If it made her feel embarrassed or humiliated, it's still a push. And so you have to identify what those are so you can stop them. And then you have to identify what you can do to evoke positive emotions within her so that you can begin pulling her back towards you emotionally. Now, by the way, don't think either of those two actions, stopping your pushes, increasing your pulls, is going to change things overnight. You didn't get to where you are overnight. You're not going to repair it overnight. I'm telling you that what I'm saying will repair it if you do it and understand why you do it, which I can't give great explanation to in this short time here. But these things work, but you also have to be patient. And the third thing then, again, based on what kind of a pull or push is leading her away from you, don't worry about the outside pull because you can't control it. You say, I'm going to go beat the crap out of this guy over here that she thinks she's in love with now. Not going to help. As a matter of fact, it's going to make it worse because she's not going to defend you, she's going to defend him. Well, I'll just somehow get her fired from that job that's making her feel she's a different person than she used to be, and now I'm not adequate. Mm-hmm. If you do that, it's going to be a major push. So here's what we recommend, and I know it sounds counterintuitive. Don't think about the outside pull, because there's nothing you can do to control that outside pull. Nothing. The only thing you can do is understand how to stop your own pushes against her, whether you realize it's happening or not, and the others to increase your own pull toward her. And if you're saying, will this video be enough and I can do it from here? Possible, I guess, but probably not. There are so many nuances, so many things you really understand. You see, we can teach you what to do all day long. But until you understand the deep-seated whys underneath that, not just the why from her viewpoint, but the why from your viewpoint, then understanding the what's is not good enough because you'll inevitably wind up messing it up. No, we're happy to teach you. But you know what happens when we at our team here talk to husbands whose wife wants divorce? We get some really interesting situations when you talk to them. Sometimes the guy just wants to tell us how bad his wife is. It's all her fault. She did this, this, that, and the other. She doesn't understand. I have to do this, this, that. And if he calls one of our free calls to talk one of our people, he just vents and vents and vents. And when we say, well, do you have any responsibility in this yourself? No, I don't. It's all her fault. I'll tell you right now, if you're not willing to own responsibility for whatever you've done, and no, I'm not saying it's all your fault. But it's extremely rare that you won't have any involvement in what's going on here. You may have been pushing her without realizing it. You may not have been making any pulls without realizing it. We have to own your own actions and own the results of those actions. But many guys won't do that. They just say, nope, nope, it's all her fault. If I bring her to one of your workshops, will you fix her? No. Well, then why would I come? We don't try to fix your wife. We try to help both of you understand each other and understand what a true relationship is about. For her to understand manhood and what that means. For him to understand what it means for her to be a woman. And so, no, don't bring her for us to fix her. If you are willing to own your part, whether it's small or huge, we can't really help you. But that's one thing God wants to do. I have all the answers. Well, if you have all the answers, how did you get into the situation you're in now? But I know this and this and this and this. Good for you. I'm happy that you know those things if they're accurate and true. But it's not working for you right now. So you have to be willing to own your own party. And the second goes right with that. You have to be willing to learn. What do you mean that you don't have all the answers? I don't, nobody has all the answers. But we've been working with marriages for 30 years, actually, more than 30 at this point. I earned my PhD in studying the causes of and correlations between marital satisfaction and sexual satisfaction. Just in the last decade, we've worked with more than 25,000 couples. We keep learning, but we have learned a lot. And we do this three-day intensive where we can actually help you understand why you're in the situation that you're in. Not just you, but your wife as well. And then when you grasp the why, to understand the how, how can you change that? And you say, but but wait a minute. Doesn't my wife have to be willing to learn as well? Hopefully. But here's what we found. If you, particularly the husband, the father, if you have children, if you're willing to learn, she may come with you and we can help you figure out how to do that, thinking, I'm just going to go placate him so I can go on my way. You said then that doesn't help. Probably 80 to 90 percent of the people who come to our workshops have one partner who does not want to be there. I can tell you later why they come, but we have seen a remarkable success rate because we don't chastise anybody, we don't ridicule anybody, we don't beat anybody up verbally, nor would we let you beat her up verbally. Let me tell you what's wrong with her. We wouldn't let you do that. Or let me tell you what's wrong with him, we wouldn't let her do that either. We have the rules we operate our workshop by where nobody gets verbally beat up. Now, obviously not beat up in any other way, but not even verbally or emotionally. And so if you're willing to accept your part, but then another thing that we run into is sometimes guys think, I'm just gonna wait for her to change. I'm not gonna do anything until she comes to her senses. Lots of luck with that. Particularly if there's some pull out there. And even if she just left because she felt pushed away, some pull is gonna materialize. And if you wait, things aren't gonna get better. You know that. If you wait, something else out there is going to intrigue her, and that's where she's gonna add to. And so if you think, oh, I'll just wait and see if he gets better on his own. No. Well, and then sometimes people say, Well, I'll tell you what, I I'm listening to your and watching your video, but I'm also checking out that website over there, and I'm reading those articles over there, and they research and research and research and research, thinking that somewhere, somehow, they're gonna find the magic bullet. Oh, that's the right thing to say. That's exactly the right thing to do. Listen, you know this. You do. There's no magic bullet. It's figuring out what went wrong, figuring out how to repair that, and then figuring out how to make it better. But there's all kinds of people with different opinions about that. Mm-hmm. Therefore, we say, pick somebody that you trust, pick somebody that you believe understands you and understands these relationships, and somebody who genuinely wants to help you. But make sure that they know what they're doing. Just because they themselves might have been through some kind of marriage crisis doesn't mean they're experts on helping everybody else get through a marriage crisis. A lot of education to be done there, and tons of research. Tons of research about what does work, what doesn't work, etc. So stop researching. Do something. It's time to act. You say, well, can you guys really help me? Well, if you're willing to own your part, okay, to accept whatever it is that you need to change, because we're going to assume that at least some of this you need to change to make it better. And if you're willing to learn, well, I read over there, I read over there, I know everything I need to know. If you already know everything you need to know, we can't help you. You see, all of us, including me, and look how old I am, hopefully are continuing to learn day by day by day. And if you come to our workshop willing, with an open mind, to learn not just the what's, but the whys, we can help you. And another thing is if you have a sense of urgency, because you see, there's some guys who say, well, it'll it'll get better eventually. And it doesn't. It's not gonna magically heal. Oh, and another thing, if you're willing to make the investment, you say, what what does that mean? Well, obviously, you're gonna have to pay us to do what we do because we like to eat. We like to pay our mortgages and those kinds of things. And we're very proud that we can offer what we offer for the price that we offer it for, where we can stay in business and do good and go pay our mortgages and et cetera, but still give you a fantastic deal. In other words, we're proud of the fact that you get a lot more than what you pay for. But it's not just an investment of money. And if you're thinking, well, I just want to find free help, go look for that. But there's kind of an adage. You get what you pay for. But it's not just an investment of money, it's also an investment of time. It would require three full days. If you come to an in-person workshop here in Middle Tennessee, just south of Nashville, then of course you've got travel, you've got hotels, you got restaurants, maybe airfare, uh, maybe an extra day off from work because of the fact that you need to get here in time for the workshop to start. And the workshop is three full days, all day Friday, all day Saturday, and Sunday until 3 p.m. So it's an investment of time and it's an investment of money. Now, if you're willing to accept your part, if you're willing to learn, if you have a sense of urgency, and if you're willing to make the investment, please contact us. You say, Well, how do I do that? Well, there's a link on your screen right there. You can click that, or go down into the comment section down there. We put another link down there. You can click that, and that'll put you in contact with us, and and you can have a free conversation with one of our advisors to see if what we have will actually give you what you need. Now, if you just want to call and bet about how bad your wife is, please call somebody else. If, if indeed you want to really save your marriage, and if you're willing to make the investment, if you have that sense of urgency, please talk with us. We want to do everything we possibly can to help you. We've worked with thousands and thousands and thousands of marriages. We have our own research department headed by PhD to see how effective we are in helping those marriages, and we have a very high success rate. Can I guarantee you that we'll help you save your marriage? No. We don't lie. And anybody that guarantees you that is a fraud, a charlatan, we won't do that. Can we give you the tools that you need? Absolutely. Can we help you understand the why, which is crucial? Yes. Can we teach you the how? Yes. But you're the one that has to make the move. Be a man. Take leadership. With your wife, with your children. Be who you're supposed to be. Let's put this world right again. Not with dictators. One thing true of every dictator, somebody wants them dead. But a man who is a leader, but not a tyrant. With a wife who loves you, who is also a leader in her own right, but in the right relationship to each other. Are you ready to do that? I hope you are. A lot of guys aren't. And most of them are going to lose their marriages. What are you going to do about yours? Contact us, please.