How A Spouse Feels After Cheating

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Most people whose spouse cheated are asking the wrong question: "Why did they do it?" The better question right now is: "What are they feeling now that it's over?"

In this video, Marriage Helper breaks down the three emotional states a cheating spouse typically falls into after the affair ends, and what each one means for the future of your marriage.

The spouse who feels nothing and justifies what they did
The spouse drowning in guilt who believes they can never be forgiven
The spouse who is genuinely sorry and desperately wants a second chance
How to respond to each situation without making things worse
And why understanding how it happened is the key to making sure it never happens again

Marriage Helper has worked with over 25,000 couples in the last 30 years.

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Transcript

The Shock And The Hurt

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Your spouse cheated on you. I'm so very sorry that happened to you. I know it hurts and hurts badly. The violation of trust, the sense of being abandoned, the idea that he or she saw somebody else as being more important or valuable than you. I mean, there's so many things going on. And so I'm very, very sorry that happened to you. At the same time, if the affair is now over, you're probably thinking to yourself, what does he or she, my husband or my wife, feel now that the thing is over? Not what were they feeling while it was happening, but what are they feeling right now? Maybe I can help you get just a little bit of insight into that. You understand that some spouses, and hopefully, hopefully this isn't your spouse, but some spouses don't feel much of anything. They have justified within themselves what they have done and think, well, I deserve to be able to do that because my husband and my wife did this or did that or didn't do this or didn't do that, and so I was justified somewhat, and I can't understand why my spouse is so hurt by what I did. If your spouse is in the situation that has added to your pain. And I'm very sorry that that happened, because you don't need to have any more pain. I remember in one of our workshops, a lady kept telling me, well, we were separated at the time. We were having troubles, and yes, I slept with this other guy for a few times, but my spouse has no right to be hurt about it because of the fact that we were not living together at the moment. And I said, rather than thinking about whether he has a right or not, try to understand what he actually does feel, whether you think he should or shouldn't feel it. He's hurt badly. He's hurt very badly. And so rather than being prim, like I'd have a right in the world to do this and justifying yourself, would you please try to understand the pain that your spouse has? She got it. She understood. She turned it around and she finally felt remorse, and we were helping them to save that marriage, and it worked out very well. And so if your spouse right now is not feeling much of anything and somehow justifying it like, hey, I had every right to do that, or you have no right to be hurt about that. As I've said, I know it hurts, but understand that a spouse being in that position right now doesn't mean that he or she always will be. We'd love to help, we'd love to help him or her understand the pain they've really cost you. Then there are other people who not only don't feel anything because somehow they feel justified, these are people, and these are the ones we see far more often, these are people who are very sorry about what they did. At the time, at the time they were doing it, they felt different emotions. But now that that affair is over, now that they're seeing the consequences of their own behavior, how it affects you, and if you have children, how it affects them, and if you have dear friends that care about you, how it affected them and parents and all kinds of people that matter. And these people are now feeling tremendous guilt, some to the point where they believe that they can never be forgiven. I've witnessed it so many times, where the spouse that was cheated on was willing to forgive. I'm hurt, but we can get past this. I'll forgive you. We can make the marriage good again. And the spouse who did the cheating after the affair is over is saying, You can't do that. There's no way on earth you can forgive me for what I did. Now, sometimes a person will say that as subterfuge. What I mean is they're just trying to blow you off so that you won't try to save the marriage. But most of the time, most of the time when a person says that, here's what they're feeling. I was so bad. The thing I did was so much against my beliefs, against my values. I mean, against everything I've ever stood for, what I've taught other people, even what I've taught my children, that I can't forgive me. Because I just can't imagine how I did it. Now, during it, I wasn't thinking about anything but what I felt at the time, which was some degree of pleasure. But now that it's over, I'm chagrined, I'm embarrassed, I'm humiliated. And because I don't think I can forgive me, I don't see how in the world you can forgive me either. And no matter how much you tell that person, I can, I will. They'll keep telling you over and over, you can't, you can't. By the way, if that's your situation, where your spouse is telling you that you can't forgive, but you're willing to learn how to forgive, you're willing to try to put the marriage back together again, may I suggest you sit down with them one-on-one, calmly, not an attack, not an argument, a discussion, but an open, genuine discussion, and make this request. Please, please don't make my decisions for me. Yes, I'm very hurt. Yes, I'm extremely disappointed. But I believe that inside there's a good person there, and I'm willing to forgive that person. So please don't tell me that I can't. You're projecting your own guilt into my mind. Don't do that. Give me the ability to love. Give me the ability to be compassionate, give me the ability to forgive. Or maybe you're in a totally different situation where you have a spouse who now feels very guilty about what he or she did. Some of the same chagrin I was just discussing in the sense of, I can't believe I did that. It's so contrary to everything I've ever stood for. It's beyond my beliefs and values. These people, though, believe that you can forgive and they want you to forgive, but maybe you haven't decided if you will or not. Because you're still dealing with all that pain. Hey, you chose somebody else over me. Hey, you violated my trust. Hey, don't you understand the pain that I feel? Now, if they're truly penitent, what I mean by that, if they're truly sorry for the pain they caused you, they're not going to justify it. Well, it wouldn't have happened if you had, they won't do that. Nor will they be telling you that you can't forgive them. I know you're saying you could do that, but you can't, nobody. These people are the people who will look you in the eye and say, I don't blame you if you don't forgive me. Because I know I've hurt you so terribly. But somehow, if in your heart you possibly could, then please do. Because I've come back to my right mind. I'm in my senses now. I know what I lost. I lost you. I mean, I love you. And and I promise that even though I'll never be able to be a perfect person, I'll be the right person. I'll be a good person if you can forgive me. And you might be thinking, well, I don't know, Dr. Beam, if I want to believe that or not. And I understand if you don't want to believe it. But if you're asking me, should I? Well, understand there's always a risk in forgiving anybody. Because sometimes people will deceive you. We have seen those situations. We witnessed them where somebody seemed to be so sorry, so penitent, so willing to do anything to fix the relationship when they weren't really done with the affair, and before you know it, they were back in it. But even though that's possible, that's not the norm. You know your spouse. I don't. You know whether or not he or she was a good person before all this happened. And so often I'll ask people, your spouse who did this thing that hurt you, is he or she a good person who did a bad thing or a bad person who did a bad thing? Now, if you believe they're a bad person who did a bad thing, I think you should still forgive so that you can have peace in your heart and not carry that heavy burden. But I would recommend that you be very careful about considering reconciliation. If indeed they were a bad person before, they did a bad thing, and maybe pretending to be a good person now, but your gut says, I don't think so. But if your spouse is that person, you're looking at and thinking, he or she really was a good person. I know I spent so many years with him or her. I know who he was, who she was inside. I've seen their actions over many years, and while I still have trouble understanding, how in the world did they get themselves into this mess? And how in the world could they hurt me that badly and carry it on for a while, deceiving me until finally they were caught, and even maybe you were a while after that. But I do believe they're good. And when that person says to you, I am so very sorry, they mean it. And when you look at them and say, Well, tell me how it happened. And what you're asking for is not the activities. What you're asking for is how in the world could this even occur? Sometimes they'll look at you and say, I don't know. And that'll make you mad because you say you have to know there was a reason for it. Tell me the reason. But trust me, trust me, at this moment, they may not know. You say, but wait a minute, Dr. Bean, you just said there's a reason. Oh, there's always a reason. But I'll guarantee you there have been times in my in in your life where that you did something. And if right at that moment I looked at you and said, Why did you do that? There are times when you would have honestly said, I don't know. Is there a reason? Yes. Would you like to know that reason? If your spouse who cheated on you has not yet figured out the reason, then there are two of you who want to know what that reason is. Are there people who can help us understand that so if we can understand how it happened, we can make sure it never happens again? Yes. I don't know how many people out there can do that, but we can. In our three-day intensive workshops, for example, people come and often the person who did the cheating, as well as the person who was cheated on, come in with a question of, why? Why? We don't give them an answer immediately because we have to talk a while, we have to teach a while, we have to help you think through things for a while, and we don't do mind reading. We just do an educational process that when people go through it, at some point they go, Oh. I see. I see how that happened. And so if that is how your spouse feels, the one who cheated feels truly guilty, truly sorry, truly wants you to forgive him or her, and is looking for any opportunity to see if he or she can reconcile the relationship with you. Would you at least consider the possibility? Oh, I know you're hurt. I'm I'm not asking you to do the impossible. I'm just asking you to consider the possibility. And with the right kind of help, where that the two of you can understand how you got to where you are now and what happened and now what you can do afterwards, we can actually help you have a better relationship after the affair than you had before the affair. Not not because of the affair, but because of what each of you learned. The one who cheated, and that was the person who was cheated on, that because of what you learn from that, that you can now have a marriage, it'll be great for the rest of your life. Yes. You say, well, you're just making that up. No, I'm not. I've worked with over 25,000 couples in the last 30 years. I and my team, I did not individually work with every one of those, but our team together, over 25,000 couples. We know what we're talking about. We have the experience. And right now, it would seem to me that the fact that you're watching this video, because you're trying to understand how your spouse feels now that he or she has been through that affair, I would say that we might list your marriage as still being in crisis. Maybe not as much crisis as it was a few weeks ago. Maybe still a lot of crisis now. Either way, we'll help you evaluate that. If you go to our website and you'll see down in the notes below here how you can get to this link, you can actually get to a marriage crisis assessment. And I recommend that you go take that. It's free. And it'll give you some results. And those are free. You don't have to give a credit card or anything else to get those results. But at the same time, based on your results we'll offer you, hey, would you like to talk about it? And if you do, we have people who work on our team who are very compassionate and very good, willing to ask a few questions, to listen, and to help determine if there's anything we can do to help you get past this. So you can have a good, loving, wonderful marriage again. So, I understand your doubts. I understand your fears. But I also understand the great future you can have. Let us help you get it.