3 Things To Know Before You Start Standing For Your Marriage

Marriage advice isn't dead.

Bad marriage advice is dead.

Nobody wants to "just give it time." Nobody wants to be told to punish their spouse into coming back. Nobody wants a counselor telling them to have a revenge affair to "even the score."

(Yes, real counselors actually say that.)

You want your marriage back. With your dignity intact.

In this video, Dr. Joe Beam walks through the 3 things you HAVE to do before you start standing for your marriage.

Decide if you really want this. Get honest about your own contribution. Pick the right path. Not nothing. Not the wrong thing.

Most people skip step one and burn out by week three. Most people refuse step two and stay stuck for years. Most people fall into step three's trap and make everything worse.

32 years. Hundreds of thousands of couples. A 70% success rate.

If your spouse just told you they want out, watch this before you make a single move.

If you're struggling in your marriage, don’t wait. Get our FREE resource: The 7 Steps to Rescue Your Marriage 👉 https://marriagehelper.com/free

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Transcript

D Day And The First Shock

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Many of our clients call it D Day. That's the day they found out their spouse did not want to be married any longer. Maybe that's the day they caught them in an affair, or maybe that's the day that he or she said, I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore. Or maybe just flat out said, I don't want to live with you anymore. I'm filing for divorce. Or for some, it's even the shock of receiving notice that a divorce has been filed and they had no clue that was about to occur. Hi, I'm Dr. Joe Bean with Marriage Helper. For the last 32 years, we have worked with thousands and thousands of marriages, and we have worked with so many where one spouse wanted out. As a matter of fact, nearly every marriage we've worked with of the thousands and thousands, one spouse wanted out, and the other decided that he or she wanted to try to save the marriage if at all possible. Now, I'm assuming that since you're watching this video, that that's you. Now, if you want to stand for your marriage, if you're going to do whatever you can to try to save this marriage, there's three things you need to consider before you make this stand. Now, the first thing is this. You need to make sure that's what you really want to do. Now, I'm all for saving marriages. That's why organization exists. And by the grace of God, we have helped save many, many, many marriages over the last 32 years, and so I hope you do. But you need to count the cost before you start because it's not going to be an easy task. You see, you're already hurt. You've been rejected, or at least you feel that you have. You still love your husband or wife, and you want them to love you, and it just tears you apart that they no longer do. Now, if you think it hurts now, just wait. Because you see, if your spouse does some of the following things, and of course I can't predict exactly which of these he or she will do. I'm just saying we have watched these occur over and over again over the last 32 years. Sometimes they'll say terrible things about you to other people, even your own parents, your best friends, just really saying things that kind of are true, because you see the best lies have a little bit of truth in them, but they'll make you sound terrible, horrendous. And you'll hear about these things secondhand. Did you know your husband said this? Do you know your wife said that? And it's going to hurt. And then sometimes, because they want you to leave them, they'll say those terrible things directly to you. And you will think, I can't believe the person that used to call me dear and honey and used to love me so much can now say those bitter, mean things about me. Also, understand that as you make this stand, if you're not sure this is really what you want to do, there are many people who will be trying to convince you not to. People who love you, like your family, like your friends, they'll be saying, kick him to the curb, get rid of her. You deserve better than this, and you certainly don't deserve what's happening to you now. And actually, that's true. You do deserve better, and you don't deserve what's happening to you right now. But there's not going to be a lot of people on your side, even the people that you expect would be, in the sense of supporting you to try to figure out how to save this marriage, because you see, they see you hurt, and they don't want you to hurt. And therefore, their advice will be you need to get out of this. And so it's not only will you be trying to find the strength within you to stand for this marriage, to do what it takes to put it back together, but the people you expect to be right there cheering you on and helping you sometimes will be doing just exactly the opposite. And there will be days when you will be so frustrated or so angry, so bitter that you'll think, why am I doing this? Should I or should I not be? And on those days you'll walk away unless you're sure up front right now, if you want to stand or not. So I would recommend that what you do is you take a notebook and you start writing. And you write, why do I want to save this marriage? And you write everything that comes to your mind, everything that comes to your heart. For example, you might want to ask yourself this question: is my spouse the one who wants out, who's leaving me, maybe even for another person, is he or she a good person doing a bad thing, or just a bad person that's continuing to do a bad thing? Because you see, if indeed your spouse, whether it's the husband or the wife, and indeed your spouse is at heart a wicked person, a bad person, so egocentric, so selfish that they don't care how they affect other people, all their lives, it's all a bit about them, what they want right now, what's going to make them happy in the moment, you can't really fix that. But if you know that at heart he or she is a good person, has lived a good life, has been your lover, your confidant, your friend, your husband or your wife, a good dad, a good mom, and now because he or she is caught up in this thing, whatever this thing may be, if indeed he or she is a good person, then don't you think they're worth rescuing? And so you'd write that down. Yes, I think he is a good person, and these are the reasons I believe that. Yes, he's a good person, and here are the reasons I believe that. And you write those things down, and then you write down what you want for yourself and for your children in terms of this marriage. And you write all those things down you can think of because there are gonna be days. Especially when the people that are supposed to be on your side are basically egging you on to get out of this thing. There are gonna be days when you're gonna want to just walk away. And what's gonna help you stay in the stand during those days? What you've written there. So make sure you understand right now, it's a tough go. Now, can it be done? Well, by the grace of God, the thousands and thousands of couples that we've worked with over the last 32 years, our success rate is 70%. That's seven out of ten, which is far, far better than most marriage counseling and things like that. And not that we're against marriage counselors. It's just that we know, and based on what we do, we have witnessed that even the most impossible situations, the ones you think there's no way on earth this thing could ever be saved. We have witnessed those again and again and again. A person who says, I am madly in love with this other person, I don't love you anymore. I want to be with her, I want to be with him. You mean you've watched that end? Yeah. And you've seen him come back to the spouse? Mm-hmm. Sometimes immediately? Sometimes it takes a little while for them to come back. But yes, we have witnessed so many. Seven out of ten, that's pretty good odds. So decide right now. Do you want to put up with the hurt and the pain because you think your relationship is worth it? That he or she is worth it, and that you are worth it, and especially if your children are worth it, if you have children. So before we make you stand, decide that right now. Now the second thing's gonna sound not so good. You may not like what I'm about to say, but please don't turn me off. Please stay and listen to this. You need to evaluate, is my spouse running out because of the fact that I, even if I didn't mean to, because of the fact that I have pushed him or her away? Or is my spouse leaving because he or she is being pulled by something out there that's pulling them away? Or is it a combination thereof? Now, you might automatically say, well, yeah, well, he's involved with another woman or she's involved with another man. Therefore, they're being pulled away, and that's all there is to it, and I have no blame in this whatsoever. And that may be true. But we've not run across anybody yet who is absolutely perfect. Now, if you are, we want to meet you because you'll be amazing. You probably are amazing anyway, without being perfect. But you see, we've never met any perfect people. Therefore, there may be some things that you have done, even if you didn't realize what you were doing. That kind of set this up. And so while you can't control what's out there, you can't control that other person if some other person is involved. You can't control some dream your spouse is now chasing, some fantasy he or she's trying to fulfill. What you can control is you. And so he would say, if you're going to take the stand, you've got to be willing to sit down and examine your own flaws and any actions that you have done that have contributed to your spouse wanting to leave. Now, are you hearing me? I'm not saying it's your fault your spouse is leaving, unless it is your fault. You've got to be real about it. What contribution have I made? Was it minor, therefore not really the reason he or she's leaving? Or was it major? And if I think about it, I can see why he or she is leaving. It's so many times I've been talking to somebody, particularly on the call-in programs that we do, and some guy will say, She said I'm controlling. And then I'll say, Well, are you? It's amazing how many times they'll pause and then say, Well, yeah, I I guess I really am. In other words, you want things done your way, and when she doesn't do it the way you want it, you tell her about it, and you cause some kind of misery in her life because you're trying to straighten her out to do it your way, right? Yeah. And then sometimes it's the woman. Well, he says I'm controlling. Well, are you? Or it may be, like one couple I dealt with years ago, they had married when they were 21 years old. And and now I met them when they were 26 years old. Well, in the second year of their marriage, he did something that ticked her off. I don't remember what it was. But she decided that she would withhold sex from him and never make love to him again as long as they lived. So four years they had lived without any sexual encounter between the two of them. And finally, finally, he wounds up having a one-night stand when somebody else. No, don't misunderstand. I am not justifying his one-night stand. He was still adultery, it's still wrong. But what's fascinating to me is she's still son of culpability. No, I have no responsibility in this at all. Well, he's married to you, and by the way, she was physically a beautiful woman. He wants to make love to his wife. We're built that way. We're designed that way. That's one of the ways we express our love. And you have cut him off from that for four years. Now, while that doesn't justify what he did wrong, can you see how it contributed to the temptation that led to that one night stand? And she said, No. No, help us save the marriage. I don't think I can. If you won't understand your contribution to what's gone wrong. Because if you don't understand your contribution, we're never going to help you get out of this. And so with the thousands and thousands of couples that we worked with, we don't blame one or the other in the sense of, well, it's your fault because he had the affair. We don't go around trying to make everything your fault. But at the same time, we do say if there are any flaws, if there is anything that you have done that has pushed the other person away. Because by so doing, or in the case that I just told you about the 26-year-old, by not doing, that you have evoked negative emotions in the other person until finally they're saying, I don't want to live like that anymore. If you want to save this marriage, then you've got to be honest enough to examine that about you. And again, I'm not trying to blame all the problems on you. I am not. What I'm saying, if you're going to solve this, if you're going to resolve it, you've got to be honest about yourself. And finally, in this short video, where we can't go through everything but giving you some major points. If you're going to stand for your marriage, you need to understand that basically you have three options. Your first option is to do nothing, just to wait and see if this resolves itself. And if it's a minor problem, just a spat you're having, it might be the best thing to do. Don't do anything, let it resolve itself. But my guess is the fact that you're watching this video indicates it's not a minor problem. There's some kind of a major crisis going on here. And that's why you're watching this. If that's the case, doing nothing is one of the worst things you can do. Because you see, time will not heal this. Whatever the pushes are, if any, that you have done, whatever the pulls are that are out there over which you have no control, those things typically don't just disappear. They don't just go away. Now, is it possible they might? The pull might disappear. The pushes, not so much, because probably by now they're habitual. And if you do nothing, things are gonna continue to deteriorate. They're gonna get worse. Time, if you're in a true marriage crisis, time is not on your side. So doing nothing except just waiting and hoping and praying, and I'm a guy who believes in praying, it's not gonna work. It's gonna get worse. The other option is this: you can take advice that winds up leading you to do the wrong thing. And there are a lot of people out there with that kind of advice, people who are so-called marriage experts. Sometimes it's a very well-meaning person or even a well-meaning couple. We had this marriage issue, we worked it out, now we're gonna teach you how to save your marriage by doing what we did. And if you're in the exact same situation with the exact same circumstances, their advice may be wonderful. But if there's any variation at all between what they went through and what you're going through, their advice can wind up being very, very bad. And you'll also have your friends. Now, this is exactly what you should do. Your mother, your father, your sister, your brother, maybe even your pastor. One couple told me that they decided they were gonna try to work things out, and they went to see their pastor, and he gave them a psychological test. Uh, and he came back and said, According to this, you should have never married each other to begin with, therefore, I'm not gonna try to help you put it back together. That lady said, What do we do in a situation like that? Maybe I shouldn't have, but I said, find a pastor who's a Christian. Find a pastor who believes in the power of God. You can go to ChatGBT, you can go to Claude, you can go to all those AI instruments out there. And they're gonna give you all kinds of information because they're gonna search the internet and they're gonna find everybody who knows what they're talking about and everybody who doesn't know what they're talking about, but they think they do. And so, have you ever read that little thing at the bottom of the where on the AI it says now? AI can make mistakes. Be careful about how you use this information. And it may give you exactly the wrong advice. Listen, it's easy to get the wrong advice, and therefore you'll do the wrong thing. It may even make your marriage look like it might be moving in the right direction in the short term. But in the long term, it's gonna destroy everything. So your first choice, do nothing. That's not going to work. It's gonna make it worse. Second choice, do the wrong thing. I'll guarantee you that'll make it worse. We run into that all the time. People come to us at Marriage Helper and say, This particular counselor told me to do this. Like it the other day, a lady said to me, My counselor said, Well, since my husband had an affair, to make things even, I should have an affair before we go to the next step. No. No, don't listen to that advice. Or another said that I should punish him right now and teach him what his life's gonna be like without me. And so I'm gonna make it as miserable as I can so he'll come running back to me so I can make it the best it can be. No. No. Another said, well, don't have any communication with him whatsoever about anything. Not even about the bills that you owe together. Don't talk to each other at all. No. So the lady comes to the third thing: do the right thing. And you say, okay, based on what you just said, we don't know how to find the right thing. I don't blame you. There's so much contradictory advice out there, so many people claiming we are the answer. We are the answer. And now you're looking saying, I'm waiting for you, Dr. Beam. You're gonna say, no, no, we are the answer. Well, let me just say it this way: we have worked with hundreds of thousands of couples for 32 years. A long-term success rate. And we know that every situation is a little bit different, that no two couples are exactly the same. And interestingly, nearly all of the people who work with us started with us as clients. And because of what it helped them do in terms of their own marriage, they said, we want to work with you guys. We we think that that it's wonderful to help marriages. And we've seen so many, well, they call them marriage miracles. We have seen so many marriage miracles. And so even if you don't come and let us help you, make sure you get good counsel, good advice. And if something sounds off like, I don't know, that doesn't seem to make sense to me, question it. Deeply question it. Don't accept what you're told just because somebody tells you that. And if you come to an organization like us, where we admit we're human, we admit that we cannot guarantee that we can help you save your marriage. Because we'd be frauds, Charlton's if we made that kind of guarantee. We can tell you that we can teach you the basic principles, and we can teach you the psychology and sociology and language that's easy to understand. And in ways where you can actually implement it, you can actually do these things. So that while we have a 70% success record, 90, almost 99% of people who go through our workshops, for example, even if their marriage doesn't make it, recommend it to other people. And so whether you use us or not, that's your choice. But that third option is do the right thing. Because that's the only thing that's going to help you. And if you want to find out about the right thing with us, you can go to Marriage Helper. That's marriage helper, marriagehelper.com slash call, and you can book a call to talk to one of our workshop advisors who will listen. No, they're not counselors, they're not therapists, but they'll listen to your situation, understand it, and if they, based on the training we've given them, believe that we can help you, they'll tell you how. And if they believe we can't help you, they'll tell you that as well. So did you get all three steps? Number one, decide this is really what you want to do, because it's not going to be easy. Number two, be willing to examine yourself as you try to put this thing back together. Not because I'm saying it's all your fault, but I'm saying if you have any fault, you need to acknowledge that if you're going to put this thing back together. Number three, you have three options. Do nothing, do the wrong thing, do the right thing. We hope for your sake that you do the right thing and that you make it through this crisis and that you wind up with a wonderful marriage in the future. Not because of this, but because of what you'll learn from what you're going through now. You see, we know we've been doing it so many years, working with so many couples, we know there is always hope.