Stop Asking Your Spouse To Work On The Marriage – Part 1

Click here to watch part 2! https://bit.ly/4dLDJRu

Asking your spouse to work on the marriage isn't working.

Because they don't want to work on the marriage. That's the whole problem.

Stop asking.

Nobody wants more counseling. Nobody wants another conversation about "us." Nobody wants to be handed a printout of what's wrong with them on Halloween night.

They need a different reason to walk through the door.

In this video, Amber and I break down how to actually get a resistant spouse to a Marriage Helper workshop, even when they've filed, even when there's an affair partner, even when they've already said it's over.

The shift:

Stop selling the marriage. Find what actually motivates them. Take "us" off the table. Treat it like a business agreement.

Your job is to get them through the door. Our job is the next 3 days.

That's how marriages get saved, not by convincing your spouse to love you again, but by getting them in the room where the work actually happens.

If you're struggling in your marriage, don’t wait. Get our FREE resource: The 7 Steps to Rescue Your Marriage 👉 https://marriagehelper.com/free

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Transcript

Why This Conversation Matters

SPEAKER_01 0:00

One of the most important conversations that you're gonna have when you're trying to save your marriage is asking your spouse to get marriage help with you. And you don't know how to do it. No one knows how to do it. It doesn't come naturally, it doesn't come normally, there's not a good time, there's not a perfect time, but you can be equipped in knowing how to handle that conversation and to do it in a way that has the highest likelihood for a yes. So in today's video, in our webinar, I am joined by Amber on our team, who is literally the queen, the queen bee of this conversation. Because you're so good at helping people understand how to approach their spouse about how to go to a workshop.

SPEAKER_00 0:43

Everybody has to be good at something, and this is the one thing in life I can talk about. So that is why I'm here today.

SPEAKER_01 0:49

I mean, so much so that Amber's even told me before, I hope it's okay that I say this. She's like, I just want to sit in a in a corner. I do. And talk to people about how they can talk to their spouse about how to go to the workshop.

SPEAKER_00 1:01

It's a guilty pleasure, yes. It's a guilty pleasure. Yes. And I mean, you did it successfully. Twelve years ago, yes. I've I have been in your shoes if you're watching this. I have I was in your shoes 12 years ago, and it is it felt daunting, but I was able to kind of overcome that obstacle. And over the years of working at Marriage Helper, for the seven years that I've been here, it has just been, I think, one of the most important conversations, and probably it feels scary for a lot of clients, but probably one of the most important conversations that you're gonna have with your spouse between the time of the crisis or the the season that you're in to the time that you get through the doors of hopefully marriage helper to actually get help for your marriage. And while there's other things that you need to address and and maybe um decrease tension, some of those conversations are important. But if you can't navigate this conversation, then you can't really make any movement of getting help for the marriage. And so hopefully we can kind of simplify it and and maybe equip you today. And that's the the goal for the webinar today.

SPEAKER_01 2:00

Yes, absolutely. So Amber, in starting, and and here's the thing, I was like, Amber, you can do this whole webinar alone. And I'm just gonna basically get her to where she's doing the whole webinar by herself because literally she has worked with so I mean it has to be, it probably is, it's probably over a thousand. No, it is, yes. It has to be that you've talked to over the seven years of just thinking through how to approach their spouse with this, and she has been able to help so many people with it. So, first, Amber, what I would love for you to tell everyone,

The Biggest Mistake People Make

SPEAKER_01 2:30

what do people get wrong? What is the idea that most people have about approaching their spouse, asking their spouse, what stops them from asking their spouse that ends up just totally bombing the whole situation?

SPEAKER_00 2:44

So, while there could be an exhaustive list, nobody needs to have the exhaustive list to be able to accomplish this. I think the while there's many hangups, the biggest one is that they believe their spouse needs to go get help with them for the same reasons that they're wanting help for the marriage. And so when we're talking with clients, we're saying, hey, you know, and we're talking about how they can get help for the marriage, it's always met with very quickly, but no, no, no, you don't understand, you you don't understand how stubborn my spouse is, or you don't understand how committed my spouse is to this affair or to whatever they're wanting, the divorce or the separation. And um I think if, or not think, I know that when I'm able to help them kind of maybe see it from a different lens or through a different lens, that they actually see that, okay, getting help for my marriage isn't as hard as I thought it would be. Um and so while there's other things that may complicate it or maybe overwhelm you or intimidate you, if you kind of take that responsibility or that burden of going, I have to get them to my side of the table for the same exact reasons, um, if you take that off the table, then it makes it easier to kind of go into the conversation because that's one less thing you have to worry about.

SPEAKER_01 3:55

There was someone, I can't remember now if it was a live show caller or another. There was someone in the past week and it was a client and they were saying, I my husband just they'll go, it was a live show. They said, My husband will go to counseling with me or they'll go to whatever with me, but they just aren't wanting to. They're not a willing person. And so I don't want to ask them to go to the workshop because I feel like they're just gonna come, but unwillingly.

SPEAKER_00 4:21

And you would say that's okay. So it's not your job to get them to be committed to the marriage. Um, and that may be disappointing because you you want them to be there or you want them to be in that space, and they can't eventually get there. Your job is to get them, get them to walk through the doors of Marriage Hilper. It is our job and our responsibility for those three days to help move them, to help potentially lead them to being committed to the marriage. Um, and so, you know, as I tell my client when I'm on the phone with them, like you do your part and we will do ours. And I think that's a good approach because again, you can't fix everything by yourself. And I don't ever want to put that responsibility on the client because it's really not theirs. And so, again, your job is to get them to the doors of through the doors of marriage helper and let us take on that responsibility for three days. And that's really

Stop Asking To Work On Marriage

SPEAKER_00 5:10

briefly, in my experience, I didn't know it was going to be like that when I went to the workshop with my husband, but when we did go, he didn't go because he cared for me or cared for the marriage. He was deep into deep into the affair with his affair partner. Um, but because it was so contentious in in all the things, um, it felt like marriage helper was honestly like a vacation for three days from my marriage, which sounds odd. But even though I was responsible for being accountable for what I had contributed in the marriage, I didn't feel responsible for my husband in those three days. And I think a lot of clients when they come out of the seminar, they feel the same way because they think they're going to the seminar going, well, we're gonna have to have this conversation, I'm gonna have to fix this about them. Let us do the work. Your job is just to get them to the doors.

SPEAKER_01 5:54

Yeah. Okay, so how do they get their spouse through the doors?

SPEAKER_00 5:58

So there's a million ways to go about it. But I and there's no hard or fast rules. But I think besides the obvious, don't beg, plead, or whine, which if you're already in some of our courses or toolkits or the marriage lab or working with a coach, you you already know that. But the next biggest thing is what I think is obvious, but I don't think it's obvious to many of you before you come to Marriage Helper. Stop asking your spouse to work on the marriage. Stop. And while that is your number one goal, and that is our desire, and that's why we exist as an organization, is to help you save your marriage and help your family thrive. When you approach it from that angle, it limits how you get them to the workshop. Because if they think they're having to come to us or anybody else for that matter, to work on the marriage when it's the very thing they've told you, I don't want anymore, whether they're contemplating or discussing separation or divorce, or they've already maybe um followed through with some type of formal separation or divorce. If you are coming from that angle, it you're you're stuck. And that is why typically counseling or going into a counselor's office isn't fruitful because you are having them to or sorry, you're having them commit to a conversation that they want no part of. And so we can go into detail more about how how you can go how you can get them to come to a workshop for other reasons. But that is the biggest hangu. Even though it seems counterintuitive, if you stop yourself from asking them to go for that reason, I I guarantee you you're already in a better position to short term or long term get them to go get help for the marriage.

SPEAKER_01 7:37

Okay, so point number one, if you're taking notes, which I'm writing them and I'm gonna put them in the chat, but point number one is stop acting stop asking your spouse to go to the workshop to work on the marriage or save the marriage or anything about the marriage. You have to find a different angle.

SPEAKER_00 7:53

You do have to find a different angle. Um I I want to mention this because I my this is how my brain's working. Um if you were watching this video and you are thinking, but my spouse has already filed, or my s or we're already in a divorce. Um by the way, we were already $30,000 into the divorce by the time we got into the doors of Mary Tulper. Oh my god. And I don't think I either forgot. And we don't by the way, we'd only been in mediation for two hours. We were scheduled to go back for more mediation. Um, anyways, a lot of clients will say, but it's too late because they've left. Um, even if it's if whether it's an informal separation or a formal separation, attorneys are involved. This is what I have seen play out. I find it easier to get couples to the workshop when the spouse has already filed. And it doesn't mean that if your spouse hasn't filed, you're not getting to the workshop. But I have found, and so have other advisors, have found that the spouse is more motivated to go to a workshop. Now, they're not motivated to work on the marriage, but they are motivated, motivated by other things to get through the doors of marriage helper, which is my story and my experience in terms of my own marriage and my husband and I coming to the workshop several years ago. So I wanted to kind of nip that in the bud because again, a lot of people kind of discount themselves right off the bat. Um, well, that'd be great, and I'm sure the workshop's wonderful, but they've already they've very filed, or um they're they're you know, two years into the affair with their affair partner, whatever it may be, um, that my spouse is engaged to somebody else. We have seen it all. And it takes a lot to intimidate us, but the bar is so low in terms of what you know, what has to be happening or not happening, that um I I am confident,

Hope When Divorce Feels Inevitable

SPEAKER_00 9:40

regardless of how committed they are to having a different life than what they have right now with you or your children, that you can get them to the workshop at some point in time and probably sooner than you realize.

SPEAKER_01 9:52

I feel like there was something different about you that sometimes people don't have. Like we have some people who will call and they're like, oh, it's over. They said they want to file for divorce, or oh, it's over because of the divorce, the things you said. Where the person who's even reaching out to marriage helper has this defeating mindset of so not even just, oh, my husband will never agree to that, or my wife will never agree to that, but I don't even think I want to endure the rejection or the hardship or the obstacle of even asking them because clearly it has to be over. They've filed for divorce. What do you think has to be true of the mindset of the person wanting to save the marriage?

SPEAKER_00 10:37

I it's not that I when people hear my story and all the the crummy details of it and the brokenness, um it's not that I every day woke up and was like, okay, it's another great day to be alive and my marriage is gonna be saved. I never had this confidence that my marriage was gonna be saved. Um I just that the only thing that I knew was that because y'all didn't have all the online services that you have now, like there was just some blogs and two toolkits. There was the Lemerence toolkit, and I don't even know. There was one other toolkit, and that was it. Um and all I knew was that Johnny Cardwell and Dr. Beam and I eventually got to speak with you before the seminar, and you just said, Amber, there's a three out of four chance we can save your marriage. And while that's not some big exciting statement, it was nobody else around me could promise me that. And not just promise me that, but they were able to back up following through with that. Um because I had a lot of people encouraging me, a lot of people praying for me, a lot of people supporting me and going, hey, like we want the best for you. Um, but we don't see how this can turn around. And the truth is that I didn't see how it could turn around. But I truly believe that my husband was a good person doing some consistently bad things during that season of life. Um and so I don't necessarily feel like I was special or different than anybody else because I had so many days where I was laying in bed. I felt like a bad mom sometimes because my kids were just I was sticking them in front of Curious George and just being like, I don't know how I'm gonna do this the rest of my life. Um, because my husband wasn't talking to me. He changed his phone number the day he left me. So I was trying to save a marriage from a distance. I didn't even have him in the home with me to have that opportunity to demonstrate smart contact or pies. Um, it was really through the attorneys and maybe a pickup and drop off. So I don't, I wish I could clearly answer this question of what was different about me, but I just felt like the option of failure was not an option. Um and I wanted to be able to say I did everything that I reasonably could to save the marriage. Um, and while there was counseling and therapy and we had tried a little bit of counseling, it just wasn't fruitful. Um, and so it just felt like I heard one of our workshop leaders or somebody one time say, you have to be as determined as the third monkey trying to get on the arc. And I just I heard that and I was just like, I'm the third monkey. And um, so again, that's what what that's what drove me. Because again, there was gonna be birthdays, graduations, and and weddings and grandbabies in our future, because our children were three months old and one year old the day he left me. And as can as it was so contentious and he was so angry with me, um, I just to envision the next 18 and 17 years of my life looking like that, I something had to be better than what we were navigating. Yeah. Even if it wasn't reconciliation. Right. And I and I felt like the workshop was gonna

How To Ask Without Pressure

SPEAKER_00 13:40

kind of give me that opportunity for at least to decrease the tension and the animosity, especially on his behalf. Okay, so how should people ask? Um first of all, do not ask your spouse to say, Hey, can I talk to you later? Or I need to talk to you about something. And there needs to be a week or a day or an hour. Don't don't drag it out. It needs to be short and sweet and straight to the point. Um we always say in person is best if possible. Um but if not, you know, voice to voice over the phone. And then last resort is in writing, um, whether it's text message or you know, letter. Um, or I guess fourth option is even through the attorney, because I had to do that, and other clients have had to do that as well as your clients presenting it to the to the opposing counsel. Um, and then the next thing is to not make the workshop, sorry, workshop about us. And you may be calm about it, you may be respectful about it, but when you say, hey, let's go to the workshop so we can get the help that we need, or let's go get the help that we've never received before, more than likely your spouse does not see this as a we problem, or your spouse may even recognize, like, hey, yeah, I am doing something that you know is maybe I don't necessarily agree with um on most days, but I don't see the value of going to work on the marriage. So why would I go anywhere for three days, you know, much less an hour, when I don't want any part of that? So do not make it about us. Um, and the last thing is probably to um not talk about um how how it's only gonna benefit the marriage, which I know is kind of redundant, but I like my clients to operate from worst case scenario, even if their situation is not worst case scenario. We're still in the home. We might have said, you know, thrown out the divorce word in the middle of a disagreement, but no one's going anywhere right now. It's just we can't seem to get off go. We're not we're not in sync right now. I still prefer the client to operate from just worst case scenario because it helps you potentially long term as well. Because you don't always know what's going through your spouse's mind. They may be conflict avoidant, um, they may be doing some things that you're not even aware of right now, and I'm not trying to add to your burden by listing these things out. But if you always operate from worst case scenario, and let's say something does happen down the line where maybe they were talking to somebody, maybe they are actually having an affair, or maybe they were telling you they were, okay, yeah, sure, we can go talk to somebody, but they really didn't want to, but they were kind of playing along because they just wanted to avoid the conversation as to why they now don't want to go get help for the marriage. So if you only come at it in the beginning of, I found this organization, they say three out of four marriages, we can go for three days, and all these wonderful things that marriage helper really does do, and you approach it from that, that place and space from the get-go, if down the line they start to maybe pull back from the marriage even more, you've kind of cornered yourself or you've put yourself in this corner that you it's hard to back out of. And so when you come from a place of neutrality, which is, hey, look, um, you know, I I found this workshop and I recognize that, you know, you've made it clear that you're not wanting to work on the marriage for whatever reason. Um, or, you know, we're already in this season of divorce. And um I I recognize that there are some things that I could have done differently in the marriage. And, you know, would you come to this so I can get the help that I need? And while for the sake of this webinar, I'm kind of watering it down and kind of oversimplifying it, that language is not as off-putting as let's go save the marriage. And now there is not gonna be this Disney version of they're gonna jump up and put their arms around you and go, oh my gosh, I've been waiting for you to approach me about something like this. That's not going to happen. But that does not feel as threatening of or as, you know, well, you come to this workshop, we're gonna sit there for three days and they're gonna fix you. And by the way, I did that. I, when I, before I found Marriage Helper, or before I had spoken with anybody at Marriage Helper, and I'd kind of done my research through the website and the YouTube videos, I went to my husband because I had understood what limerence was. I found out what limerence was, and I had printed out the blog from Marriage Helper.

unknown 18:04

Oh no.

SPEAKER_00 18:04

And we sat on his Halloween night after we took the kids trick-or-treating, and we sat in the car, and I said,

Find Their Motive And Negotiate

SPEAKER_00 18:10

I want you to read this. And um, he's very analytical, and um and so he I'm thinking this is he's gonna lap this up. And he reads the document and I said, I found out what's wrong with you. I truly said this, Kimberly. I said, I found out what's wrong with you. And I said, and there's this workshop, and I think it it can help you and it can help us. And he said to me, What part of I don't love you do you not understand?

unknown 18:33

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 18:34

And so I felt immediately defeated. Now, as you've already, sorry, as you've already learned, um, you know, we eventually made it to the workshop, but I very much had to change my approach. Um, so if you take the approach that I did, and while that may be a bit extreme, the the point was you're operating from a place of it, this is a we, we are united. More than likely, you are not united. Um, and so if you if you if you take the responsibility and make it more about you, that automatically will seem more um alluring to your spouse than the alternative.

SPEAKER_01 19:09

I just want to keep hearing you talk. Sorry. What's next? What's next, Amber?

SPEAKER_00 19:13

So anyway, so being neutral, not making it a you know, not coming from a we. Um the next thing is that Dr. Beam put together um a video um that I love to send to my clients and so do the other advisors because it's so resourceful. It helps you come to your own conclusion of like what would motivate them. And in this video, he goes over like the whys and how's, and then there's a, I think there's a several page PDF that you can work through. And it's so helpful. However, I still like to work with a client after going through this PDF just to kind of fine-tune the language, because for some reason there's people kind of still misunderstand this next part. But your spouse, because we talked about this, your spouse may be motivated to go to the workshop because they're gonna get something out of mediation. They're not gonna see the value of better co-parenting or better communication. Um, like my husband. My husband went to the workshop because I said, if you go to this, I will schedule mediation sooner because I did kind of, I don't want to say control, but I had influence as to when mediation could be scheduled. And I said, But if you don't go to this workshop with me, then I'm not gonna agree to anything in mediation and eventually we'll have to go to trial. And in the state of Tennessee at the time, it was gonna be about 18 months before our divorce was gonna be finalized and to be seen in front of a judge and all those things. And of course, I was labeled as controlling and manipulative. And while I understand that, and that's a hesitation for so many of you who are watching this or who might be watching this in the future, that, well, they're gonna label me such and such. They've probably already labeled you a lot of other things. And that doesn't change the fact of you have to kind of look at this as a business agreement. Um, yes, it's your future, yes, it's your family, yes, it's your legacy that you're you're you're trying to save. But if you look at it as a business agreement, you're going to probably get a lot further. When you go into a business negotiation, you don't have to know everything about that other person, their childhood wounds, their personality style, their coping mechanisms to be able to come to an agreement, right? It's a contract. You're both compromising so you can come to an agreement. It's the same way you should come and approach this topic of coming to the workshop. They are motivated by something that you may or may not like, and that's okay. I don't have to personally know your spouse to help you understand, or for Dr. Holmes to help you understand how to get your spouse to the workshop. All that matters is you having somewhat of an idea of what motive what might motivate them. It could be the timing of the divorce, it could be the timing of when they move out of the home, it could be money. Um, I had a client recently, there was something, some discussion about a family heirloom boat that was passed down from a grandfather, and it was Point of contention in their divorce, and that's what motivated them. I had another client recently. Um, they um this is important. What did they say? Oh, they they were already going to mediation. They had to go to mediation, and her husband wanted the mediation over Zoom because he was having an affair and he wanted his affair partner on the kind of to the side, but on the Zoom mediation meeting. And she was like, Well, I just I don't want to have the affair partner kind of whispering in his ear. I said, They're already gonna be whispering in his ear the night before and before they walk into that meeting. And she said, But I think this is something that I can give up because we have to go to mediation no matter what. And so that was one of the things that was motivating for them to consider going to the workshop. Just what worked for me doesn't have to be what works for you. But the point is that everybody is motivated, motivated by something in life. And whether you agree with it or not, it doesn't change the fact of if you come at it like a business agreement and recognize what their what their pain point is or what their motivating factor is, that is going to help you more than anything. You don't have to be rocking your pies, you don't have to be doing smart contact perfectly, while that is important. And that can help your spouse even be willing to have a conversation with you because they don't think you're going to be forcing them to talk about saving a marriage. Even if you're not doing those things perfectly, if you're able to come at this as a more simplified conversation and take the emotion out of it, they will not feel as threatened to enter the doors of marriage helper.