The Ultimate Guide To Saving Your Marriage When You're The Only One Trying

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You can't control whether your spouse fights for the marriage. You can only control whether you do.

That's the hardest part of saving a marriage alone. You're pouring everything in while they've checked out, filed, or already walked away. And every instinct you have right now (the pleading, the chasing, the trying to make them see) is most likely pushing them further away.

In this video, I break down the three things you can start doing today, with or without your spouse on board. How to calm down so you stop reacting out of panic. How to spot the behaviors that are quietly driving them away. And how to start becoming the person they fell in love with in the first place.

I've lived this. I was the one crying on the bathroom floor, convinced my husband was the whole problem. Two things turned out to be true at once. He was doing things he shouldn't have, and I was contributing to where we ended up. Owning my part is what changed everything.

You can get halfway there on your own. Here's how to start.

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Transcript

When Your Spouse Says They’re Done

SPEAKER_02 0:00

When your spouse says they're done, the question isn't whether you should fight for your marriage. You should. The question is whether you're fighting in a way that's actually driving your spouse further away faster, or if you're doing it in a way that can actually bring them back. I learned this lesson the hard way and I learned what to do. And now I have helped to teach thousands of people how to do it the right way and ultimately save their marriage. So I'm going to teach you this three-step process in this video. From the outset, I want you to hear this that even if your spouse has left, even if they have filed for divorce, even if your spouse is in the middle of having an affair, it does not mean that your marriage is over. In fact, those things can be the very thing that leads to saving your marriage. And if you're sitting there thinking, Kimberly, how in the world could that be? They filed for divorce. They said it's over. They said they don't want to be with me anymore. I know all of those things are jarring to hear, but those are actually the things that can ultimately end up being the thing to save your marriage. And we're going to unpack that in our time together today. The

The Love Path Explained

SPEAKER_02 1:12

first thing that you need to understand that I want us to unpack together is how marriages even begin to fall apart. So we need to set the stage a little bit in order for you to understand where to go from here. Because to save something, you need to know how to save it. Doctors don't just enter into an ER without any knowledge of the human body or how it's made. So in order to save your marriage, you need to understand the anatomy of marriage, how it's put together, so that you can know how to put it back together when it begins falling apart. So here's how people fall in love and how they fall out of love. I call it the undoing, the undoing of a marriage. How you wanted to be with them. There was something about your spouse that just drew you towards them more than anything else. I know right now when you're in the middle of a marriage crisis, it can be a little hard, maybe even painful to think back to that time. But I want you to for a minute, I want you to remember how you felt. I want you to remember the things that attracted you to your spouse. I want you to remember how you shared with each other, how you talked to each other. I want you to remember all of those things. Because in the process of dating, getting engaged, everything that happened before you got married, there was a process to falling in love. There was something about your spouse, the way they looked, the way you talked to each other, the things that you had in common, the shared values and beliefs that your spouse, you and your spouse, who at that point was the person you were still dating, you had things that you shared in common. And there was a way that your spouse made you feel, that evoked emotions within you that you really enjoyed feeling. Those were the things that attracted to you to your spouse, and there were things you did that attracted your spouse to you that made them want to draw closer to you and you closer to them. And then the closer you ended up drawing to them, you ended up finding out more about them, about their life, about their background, about their childhood, about their hopes, about their dreams. And it was at this point that you ultimately ended up realizing whether or not this was someone that you could accept or not. If this was someone that you actually liked and you liked the way they thought and you understood them and that you wanted to move even closer to them. And so over time, as you learned more about them, you began to attach to each other. You began to feel like you were, like you couldn't be without them, like you didn't want to be without them. You were attached at each other's hip, or you were always talking on the phone. I remember that's how it was for my husband and I. We were dating long distance, and he would call me at, you know, 8 p.m. at night after he had gotten done flying. He was in the military training to be a helicopter pilot. And he would call and we would talk until sometimes 2 a.m. We'd fall asleep talking to each other on the phone because we just wanted to be around each other. And then we started talking about marriage. We started talking about our future. We started talking about kids and all the things that we wanted to do with our lives. And so in that process, we ultimately followed a path to falling in love. And at Marriage Helper, which is the organization that I run, at Marriage Helper, we call that the love path. It is the path and process that people use to fall in love. And it starts with attraction. It starts with working on four areas of yourself, which I'll get to in a little bit. But we, when we become attracted to someone, we want to be closer to them. As we draw closer, we feel that we can be safe and honest with someone, that we can share our true feelings, our true thoughts, the hard things in our life that have happened to us that we don't want to share with anyone else. And when we are able to share that with the person that we're falling in love with and they cherish it, they hear us, then we feel, oh, I can be safe with this person. And we want to be closer to them even more. And then when they share those hard things with us, we actually begin to care more about them. Acceptance moves us to care. And then we get to the attachment phase, which is where we want to commit to this person, where we truly trust this person. And it really just solidifies the relationship. Attachment moves us to commit. And then the fourth phase of falling in love, the fourth stage is aspiration, where we have a dream that we want to fulfill together, that we have things in our life that we want to do together. And so when you were dating, this all naturally happened and you didn't even know it. You were attracted, you were sharing thoughts and feelings with each other, you were moving towards trusting each other and committing to each other, and then you had these aspirations, this aspiration of getting married, of getting your first house, having your kids. There were these natural things that you wanted to do together, these dreams you wanted to fulfill. And then it all happened.

How Marriage Slowly Comes Undone

SPEAKER_02 6:34

You got married. You got the house, you got the white picket fence, you had the 2.5 kids, and then something happened in life where you began to rewind. It was the undoing of falling in love. So the things that were bringing you together, the wedding, the kids, the white picket fence. Well, now you have those things. And so you began to work two separate jobs, you began to have two separate lives. He had a hobby, you had a hobby. It began to pull you apart. The date nights that used to be such a priority for you every Friday night, wouldn't miss it, couldn't miss it, wanted to be with this person more than anything. After the habituation of marriage, you just got really used to each other, got really comfortable, you stopped doing those things. You stopped doing the things that led to that initial attraction. You got married and maybe you stopped working out, you stopped eating healthy, you stopped doing the things that you wanted to do. You stopped getting dressed and putting your makeup on as a woman. And you just kind of started saying, well, life is hard, life is how it is, life be life in. I'm just gonna, now that I have the marriage, now that I have the thing that I want, I'm just gonna skate by. We stopped trying to become our best selves once we have the thing that we want. And so we stopped focusing on doing those things that have first attracted our spouse to us, and not just physically, but intellectually, when you were dating, you were you were talking about things that kept you interested in each other. You couldn't wait to know more about your spouse's day. But after five, 10, 20 years of marriage, your spouse comes home and maybe you don't even talk anymore. Maybe you're not even asking them about their day or the things that are happening or what they're learning. Spiritually, maybe you've fallen off of doing the things, having the beliefs and values, having those spiritual practices that really gave you purpose emotionally, instead of evoking those positive emotions in each other, you started doing the things that were evoking neutral emotions. You weren't doing anything to hurt the marriage, but you weren't doing anything to help it develop either. And so over time, instead of complimenting your spouse, asking them about their day, asking them how you can help or support them, those things turned into at first not saying anything. But then over time, it was, why are you loading the dishwasher the wrong way? Why did you say that stupid thing? You embarrassed me at dinner. How could you go out looking like that? The things that you would have never said when you were dating, when you were putting on your best face, you're now saying without filter. Maybe your spouse is saying it to you. And so attraction begins to fade. When we're no longer attracted to someone, we don't want to move closer to them. And so if we don't want to move closer to them, we're not asking about those things, about their life, about their day, about how they feel. So acceptance also begins to completely erode. We stop accepting them for who they are. We stop doing those things to make our spouse feel safe. We we stop being a safe place to be honest. Instead, we're just brutally honest about the things that we want to change in our marriage or that we want our spouse to change about themselves. And all of a sudden, which never happens all of a sudden, it happens over a period of time. The way that our spouse felt incredibly accepted by us, the critiques and the criticisms over time, our spouse doesn't feel safe with us anymore. They stop sharing the things with us that they shared with us before. And so acceptance begins to crack open. And when we don't feel safe around a person, then we don't trust them. And therefore, we can't get to the stage of attachment. And our commitment can begin to wane at that point too, and then forget the aspirations because we don't want to plan a dream life with someone that we don't feel safe with, that we feel like we can't trust or doesn't trust us, or someone that we're not attracted to. And so the process of falling in love, the love path comes completely undone. It's not overnight, it's little by little. The things that built love stopped happening, but more than that, the things that tore apart love started happening. Because you can't save a marriage by the things you stop doing, but you also can't save a marriage without stopping the things that are hurting your marriage. But

Why Attraction Comes First

SPEAKER_02 11:34

here's the good news falling in love is a process. And if your spouse has fallen in love with you before, then they can do it again. It is absolutely possible and actually easier for your spouse to fall in love with you again. So no matter what is happening in your marriage right now, in your life right now, no matter how hopeless you may feel, I want you to know that falling back in love can happen. And it can happen with your spouse, no matter how bad it is. The only thing is you just have to follow this love path. And you see, there's a little detour here on the love path. I'm not going to get into the detour here, but the detour is limerence. When your spouse has fallen in love with someone else, and therefore they want out of the marriage because there's someone or something outside of your marriage that's pulling them out. We'll get to that later. The thing is, all of this starts with attraction. This is the second thing that you need to understand. The first one is that there's an undoing of marriage that most people don't understand. But the second thing that you need to understand is that this process of falling back in love begins with one key part, one key place, and that is attraction. Now there's four parts to attraction, and we're gonna break down each and every one of those. But before I do, this is the part where people typically, when I get to this part, people will say, Hold on a minute. Are you about to tell me that I am the one who needs to change when my spouse is the one who wants out of the marriage, when they are the one who has filed for divorce, when they are the one who said, I love you, but I'm not in love with you, when they are the one who is gambling our money away, who is watching porn, who is acting incredibly controlling, when they're the one doing the thing, why do I need to change? I get this comment on so many of the YouTube videos I do where I mention this and they say, How in the world could you even say that? If my spouse is having an affair, that's on them. Two things can be true at once. And those two things are your spouse can be doing something wrong that is absolutely inexcusable and that they shouldn't be doing. And at the same time, you can also have done something that contributed to where your marriage is now. That's

Owning Your Part Without Excusing Theirs

SPEAKER_02 14:04

a hard truth to hear. And I want you to know that I say that with all the love and acceptance in my heart because I was that person. I, standing in front of you today, being CEO of a company called Marriage Helper for, I don't know, 12 years now, I was the one who couldn't believe that my husband was treating me the way he was treating me, that he was doing the things that he was doing. He was the problem in our marriage. I wanted out. He wanted out too. But I wanted out because of how he was treating me. And I remember feeling like, why did I deserve this? How could this possibly be happening to me? I haven't done anything wrong. He's the one who's drinking too much, he's the one who's getting angry at every single thing that's happening. He's the one who needs to change. If he would just change, then our marriage would be better. Y'all, I re I remember this. I remember exactly how this felt. And I remember the times that I would just find myself crying on my bathroom floor thinking, I can't do this anymore. I don't want to divorce him. I love him, but I can't imagine staying with this person for the rest of my life. I can't imagine being treated like this for the rest of my life. I wanted to fight for my marriage, but I didn't know how. And what was even more than that is what I didn't realize was that I was contributing to everything that was happening. But I was on this high horse. I was on this high horse of like, I'm not the one. I'm not the one who's doing X, Y, and Z. I'm not the one who has anger that needs to be put under control. I'm not the one who's drinking too much. I'm not the one. I'm not the one. I'm not the one. But what I was doing, what I was doing was when he would come home. I was the one who was following him around the house, asking him why he wasn't wanting to spend time with me. When he said that he just needed time to himself, I was the one saying, No, I've been here all alone all day. It's time for you to spend time with me. My husband and I, we we got married. Uh, and immediately we he got stationed in South Korea. So I left everything. I left my friends, I left my family, I left my college, I left my dream job in order to go and follow my husband because I loved him. I gave up everything to go and be with him. And he would go and he would have to work 14-hour days in a country he didn't know. He was a brand new platoon leader in the military. He had all these people under him. It was his, he was young, he didn't know what he was doing, he was stressed out. But when he would come home and he just needed that time to relax, I felt like he just didn't want to spend time with me. And so when he would try and go read or play video games and just try and be alone, well, I had been alone all day. I had been alone all freaking day, and all I wanted was to feel like he loved me. To feel like the person that I had given up my life for actually wanted to spend time with me. And so when he would walk in those doors and he didn't, you can imagine how I felt. But it wasn't just how I felt, it was what I did with those feelings, which was I cried, I pleaded, I begged, I did the things that ultimately ended up pushing my husband away even more. And as he, as he would begin to disconnect, I would amp it up. I would try and get him to respond to me. So while he was doing something that was wrong, I also played a part, not in the choices he made, but in owning my part of what was going wrong. And until I saw that, nothing was gonna change. Both of those were true at the same time. Ultimately, what I had to end up doing was focusing on attraction, focusing on me actually doing the things that helped me to become my best self. My entire identity was tied up in whether or not my husband responded well to me, whether or not he was paying attention to me, whether or not he was giving me the love and attention that I wanted and that I needed. And the thing is, if that was where my source of happiness was, he had the wrong place in my life. Marriage is good. I champion marriage. I think marriage is the most important earthly relationship that we have. But when your self-worth is tied up in how someone else responds and reacts to you, no person can ever hold that place. No person can ever be put on that pedestal and not fail you because that's not how relationships are supposed to work. The best relationships work when instead of it being two people who are codependent or two people who are totally independent, it's two people who are interdependent.

Rebuilding Attraction With The PIES

SPEAKER_02 19:12

I can live without you, but I don't want to have to. That's that's where the sweet spot is. Not I have to have you and have to have you be happy with me at all times. Codependency, not good. Not independent of I could take you or leave you, I don't really care, but interdependent. I want to be with you. But ultimately, if you in if something ends up happening, I'm gonna be okay. If you're not happy with me one day, if we get in a fight, I'm gonna be okay. And the only way that you're ever gonna truly be able to get there is by focusing on what I call the pies: physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. So it's four types of attraction. It's four areas of attraction, is a better way to say it. And every one of them can be rebuilt, and you are the one who has control over it, not your spouse, you. The first one is physical. It's how you care for yourself, it's your health, it's your energy, it's your presence, it's getting good sleep, it's making sure that you look and feel the best that you can for your age and situation in life. It's intellectually, it's being an interesting person to talk to. Instead of being consumed with all of the things that your spouse is saying or doing or how you wish they were being different. I get it, I've been there. It's you growing, having conversations with others, learning, doing things that are going to make you an interesting person, and that you're not just engulfed in all of this negative mindset that you're in. Emotionally, it's being a safe place to be around. It's evoking emotions within your spouse that they enjoy feeling. That's the number one goal here. Because if your spouse doesn't like the way they feel when they're around you, they're not gonna want to come back. So when you're doing some of these things, it's actually pushing your spouse further away, even if you think it's gonna be bringing your spouse back to you. And we're gonna talk more about that in just a bit. It's called push behaviors, and you wanna stop doing these four things, but we're gonna get to that in a minute. I'm getting ahead of myself a little. And then the final area is spiritual attraction. This is your values, it's your purpose, it's the person that you're becoming, it's the person you are. These are the things that give you your identity. If you're a Christian, this is your belief in God, this is your Bible reading, this is your prayer, this is you finding your identity in something that is unshakable and never changing, not in the situations or the people around you and whether or not they're giving you this that that feeling of self worth. That's not where you want to find your self worth. You want to find it in your beliefs and your values. Or if you're Christian, it's finding your identity in what God says about you and in Jesus. Those things are incredibly important. And those four things allow you to build the Foundation that your marriage can be rebuilt upon. Now, here's the third thing that you need to understand of the anatomy of a marriage that is the underlying principle of everything I've taught you so far. So there's the love path, the process that people follow to fall in love. There's the pies, which is the very beginning of the love path. In order to fall back in love with someone or to have someone fall back in love with you, we say if anything works, this will. This being you have to follow the love path. And the way that you get back on the love path if you've fallen off is by starting at the very beginning, which is starting by working on your pies. But the underlying principle under the whole thing is what we call push-pull. Now,

Push Pull And The Magnet Rule

SPEAKER_02 22:45

last time I did this, I got magnets in my eye and had to go to the eye doctor to get them removed. So we're not going to do that again. But I want you to think about attraction, which is the underlying mechanism of your entire marriage. You're either attracted to a person because of how they make you feel, because of how safe they make you feel, because of you wanting to be committed to them. All of those have an underlying principle of push-pull. When someone is evoking emotions within us that we do not like, we are pushed away. And these magnets, I am trying, I know you can't tell, and I can't like put them down necessarily right now. Uh, but when you put magnets the wrong ends to each other, you cannot force them to come together, no matter how hard you try. It's not happening. I cannot make them connect. That's what's happening in a marriage when all of these negative behaviors are happening. There's a push. And the more you try and push, the further it's gonna push your spouse away. They're just gonna keep running from you the more you try and chase them. The only way to turn that around is by becoming the person that your spouse can't help but be attracted to. It's a pull. There's one side where you can't force them to come towards you, and there's another side where they're gonna be attracted to you from even further away. The stronger the magnet, the stronger the pull. You want to become the magnet. That's the push-pull principle. The push is anything that drives your spouse further away, no matter how right it feels to you in the moment. You feel like if you plead, if you beg, if you whine. There was one woman who, as her spouse was leaving, she followed him out the door, out to the driveway. And as he got in his car and drove away, she said that she banged her head so hard on the pavement that blood flowed like a river. And to her shock, she said, he still left. Of course he still left because you were acting like an absolute crazy person. Now, here's the thing: there's a biological underpinning. There is a reason that we are primed to react this way, and it we can see it all the way back in childhood. Think about young kids, think about around two to three years old. So they have object permanence, they know who people are, and it's around that age that they have attached to their primary caregiver, mom and dad, and that they begin to have separation anxiety. And this separation anxiety is this person I love is about to leave me. I don't want them to leave. I'm scared. I am going to cry, I'm going to beg, I'm going to weep, I'm going to try and elicit that reaction in my caregiver so that they won't leave me. It is biologically a part of us as a self-protective mechanism. And we also know from attachment theory that when children feel more secure with the relationship that they have with their primary caregiver, then they are better able to handle the leaving of their primary caregiver because they know this person's going to come back. Well, if you're in a marriage crisis, you even if you had secure attachment in the past, attachment is a spectrum. Attachment ranges from anxious to avoidant, and you can change where you are on that spectrum based on life circumstances, many of them beginning in childhood, but also what happened in romantic relationships that you've had in your life, as well as the current romantic relationship you're in, which is your marriage. So if you have this person that you have given your life to, that you love more than anyone else, that you have said, I do until death do us part, and all of a sudden they are walking out the door, then it's no wonder that your natural human biological response is do anything you can to try and get them to stay. Beg, plead, whine. But the other thing, the other reaction that some children have under separation anxiety is they actually avoid, they un-engage. They try and actually get a reaction out of their caregiver based on running away, based on acting like they're ignoring, based on acting like they don't care. There are still, it's still a motive of trying to elicit a reaction of please care for me, but it's done the opposite way. And that's another kind of behavior that can push your spouse away. If you've been the kind of person who tries to punish your spouse by withholding sex, by withholding love, by withholding conversation, by withholding affection, when they don't do things that you like to do, that is a push behavior. Sometimes the pushes that we do are the things that we don't do, the things that we withhold from our spouse as a way of punishment, as a way of trying to get them to do what we want them to do. It's manipulation and it's control. And so many people do it in their marriages. If you are listening to this and you're saying, I have been doing that, you're not alone. You were unaware. But now that you are aware, you can beware of not doing it again. All of this is culminating in helping you understand the ultimate things that you need to do in order to save your marriage. So, with the ultimate guide of how to save your marriage, you need to know how marriages even begin. How do people fall in love? We've covered that. It's the love path. You need to know if you've fallen off of the love path, what do you need to do? You need to start by working on the beginning of the love path, which is attraction. You want to start by working on your pies. And then the underlying principle for all of it is push-pull. So let me try and just make sure you get it by doing this. Let's see if this works. So we have the love path. And there's four parts we have attraction, we have acceptance, we have attachment, and we have aspiration. When we want to be with our spouse, it's a pull. And it pulls us further down the love path. When we feel loved and accepted by our spouse, that's a pull. When we feel like we can share with them our deepest, darkest secrets and they're not going to run away, that they're not going to throw it back in our face, that's a pull. It moves us further down the love path. When when we get to the point of basically under attachment, the question, the big question here is, is this person going to be there for me no matter what happens? And when we can confidently say, yes, my spouse is going to be there for me. I know they will, even when I screw up, even when hard times happen, they're not going to leave. That creates deeper attachment, which pulls us down the love path because we don't want to create a dream life with someone that we don't trust is going to be there for us. But once we feel that all of these things are true and they all build upon each other, then we create the dream life. And this is the pull that never ends. It's the aspirations that keep on going. Aspiration is the thing that keeps us together, that will keep you and your spouse together when life tries to pull you apart. But all of these things can have pushes. Because if your spouse tells you the dream that they have for their future, about how they want to quit their job, they want to become an entrepreneur, whatever it might be, when you begin to tell them that that's the stupidest thing you've ever heard, that's a push. You're going back down the love path. When your spouse is having a really hard time, maybe at work, maybe they didn't get that promotion. Maybe there's been a loss that's happened in their life and they've fallen into depression. Maybe your spouse is struggling with alcohol and that's not your responsibility. But maybe the way that you have been handling it has either been enabling them, or you've just been criticizing and critiquing them. When they feel like you're not going to be a safe place for them, it's a push. It pushes them back down the love path. Acceptance, when they share hard things with you, maybe when they share with you about how they they felt about something they they did. Maybe it was something they said to the friend that they had, maybe it was a family dinner gone bad and they share with you what they did, and you start critiquing them and saying, How could you ever do something that stupid? Why would you say something like that? Or you just begin saying, like, how could you wear that? Why would you load the dishwasher this way? Anything where your spouse feels like all of a sudden they aren't good enough for you because you are in your comments are trying to get them to become a person that you want them to be. Well, that erodes acceptance, pushes them back down the love path. And then when we stop doing the things that build attraction and we start doing the things that erode it, it can push us off the love path completely. That's that's I guess the stepping stone at the very beginning of the love path. But you can re-y can go down it again. All of this can happen again, even if you're here at the very beginning, at this stepping stone. You just have to start back here. Does that make sense? So the push-pull principle is that marriages work like magnets. There's a push and there's a pull under every part of the process of falling in love. Every single thing that you're doing right now is one or the other. So now's the time for you to begin making lists in some way, to begin to chronicle and take inventory of what are you doing that's pushing and what do you need to do that can pull? Because anything that drives your spouse further away, no matter how right it feels in the moment, is a push. But a pull is anything that draws them back. It's you being calm, working on attraction, working on acceptance, and becoming the better thing.

Become The Well They Return To

SPEAKER_02 33:23

What does that mean to become the better? Becoming the better means, uh, I like to I like to explain it in this way. In Australia, in the Outback, there's thousands, tens of thousands of acres of land that some of the farmers have. And so when they have cattle and when they have animals that they need to keep in, it's too expensive to build a fence all the way around it. So instead of building a fence to try and keep their cattle from leaving, they instead put a well in the middle of the land. The well is the source of life. The well is the thing that they go to for sustenance, for hydration, to cool down, to get a respite from life's craziness. They don't have to build a fence when they have the well. We want you to be the well in your marriage. Instead of trying to force your spouse to stay by trying to criticize them, by trying to push, by trying to do all of the things to bring them back, we want you to become the thing that they just want to come back to. We want you to be the better. When they we say at Marriage Helper that people don't leave what they have unless they believe what they're going to is better. That's true of any reason that your spouse wants out. So then ultimately your goal is to be the better. And I know for some of you, for many of you, you're probably listening to this and you're thinking, I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted. How am I supposed to do this? How do I keep going? And here's my encouragement to you. As we said at the very beginning, any marriage can be saved. The question for you right now is have you actually been doing the right things? Because most people want to give up at the very beginning. At the very beginning, their spouse has filed for divorce, they've had some hard months, maybe even some hard years, but they haven't actually been doing this. They haven't been doing what I'm teaching you right now, but they want to give up because the thing that they have been doing, which is the thing that might be hardwired within us to do, isn't working. But of course it's not working. Those are the things that push our spouse away. And sometimes, if I'm gonna be brutally honest with you, sometimes people they want to give up because they just don't have the gumption. They just they just don't want to. And so I think the first question you have to ask yourself is do you want to save your marriage? Do you want that more than you want the comfort? And here's what I mean by that changing your habits, changing you, taking a good hard look at yourself, being able to take an honest look in the mirror and an honest reflection, these aren't, these aren't fun things. These are hard things. And you can leave this marriage without doing this hard process because you think the grass is gonna be greener on the other side. And I've seen a lot of people do it. I've had friends do it. I've had friends who who just said, you know what, I'm not willing to go down this hard road of making the changes myself. I think the grass is gonna be greener on the other side if I just do what makes me happy, and if I just find a new relationship with someone else because I'm exhausted. But they hadn't actually tried doing the right things. That's why they were exhausted because they were doing it all the wrong way. They were, they were trying to run a marathon without proper training, without proper shoes, without proper form. And yeah, you're gonna get injured way quicker if you're doing that. But the harsh reality that all my friends found is that the grass wasn't greener on the other side when they were the ones with brown grass. It was their grass that was brown and actually needed to be watered and changed. Moving to a different relationship didn't help it. They found themselves in the same muddy, sewery, sewagey, drought-filled, whatever metaphor you want to use their situation or situation, if you will, because they hadn't actually done the work on themselves. So my encouragement to you is first asking, do you actually want to save your marriage? And if you do, are you willing to do the hard work? Because it's a win-win situation for you. Whether or not your marriage actually ends up becoming saved, which I hope it does. And that's the whole reason that marriage helper exists. That's the whole reason that I even do what I do, because ultimately my marriage was saved. If I had left my husband back in 2014, so 12 years ago, if I had left my husband when I wanted out, instead of working on me, I would have carried all of my same issues, baggage, thought processes, thought processes, the things I was doing wrong, how I was being controlling, how I wasn't being accepting, all of that I would have carried into my next relationship. And it still would have ended up the same way. The details would have been different. I'm sure the situation would have been a little bit different, but ultimately it still wasn't gonna be good. I had to ultimately make the decision to actually do the work on me. Because it was a win-win, no matter what. If I work on becoming my best self and it doesn't work, I've still become the best person I can. But if I work on myself and it does work, then I've saved the relationship that I said before God, family, and friends, until death do us part. And ultimately, for me, that is what ended up happening.

Step One Control Your Emotions

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Now, I'm gonna go into the three things that you need to do. But the first one is to get control of your emotions. When you panic, you lose. We had a caller that called into the live show yesterday. We do a live show every Wednesday at noon on YouTube. And there was a caller who called in yesterday and he was talking about how his wife wanted out of the marriage. She had moved out, she was living in an apartment now. But throughout his whole conversation, he would say things like, I panicked. I panicked and so I said something to her I shouldn't have. I panicked and then I told my kids what was happening. I panicked and then I lost my cool. I panicked and then I panicked, I panicked, I panicked. How many of you have panicked? How many of you in your marriage situation, out of the fear, out of the anger, out of the hurt, out of the pain, you ended up doing something, saying something that ultimately you knew you shouldn't have done, you shouldn't have said, I did too. Most people do because emotional regulation doesn't necessarily come naturally to all of us, especially when you're in the middle of such an incredible crisis. Especially. So when you panic, you lose. You lose your cool, you lose your patience, you lose your mind, and you lose your attraction. You become a less attractive person when you are freaking out. So instead of acting out of those emotions, stop. Stop acting out of your emotions and instead start regulating them. So what do you do? What now? The one thing that I want you to take on how to regulate your emotions is four by four box breathing. So here's how this works: very simply. You're gonna breathe in, and as you breathe in, you're gonna count to four. You're gonna fill up your lungs as much as you can. Once you have that, those lungs full of breath, you're gonna hold your breath for four seconds. And then you're slowly gonna breathe out for a count of four seconds. And then you're gonna, with the completely empty lungs, you're gonna hold that for four seconds. And you're just gonna do that over and over and over for about three minutes. If you do it 12 times, you will have done about three minutes as long as you're counting slowly. What this does is actually, according to the research, this helps you reset your amygdala. Your amygdala is actually, I think you have two amygdala, but your amygdala is a part of your brain that is kind of your fight or flight center. It's where all of your emotions route through, and it is what kind of goes off the radar and starts blinking when things are a perceived threat. And so, in order for you to become more resilient, then doing this four by four breathing helps to reset the amygdala so that you can better handle whatever situation is in front of you. So we're gonna do it. I'm gonna, I'm gonna show you how it's done, and then we're gonna do it once together. So, first, uh, I'll show you how it's done. So you're gonna breathe in for a count of four. You're gonna hold it.

SPEAKER_01 42:29

You're gonna breathe out, and you're gonna hold it. So now I want you to do it with me. So breathe in, two, three, four, hold it, two, three, four, breathe out, two, three, four, hold it, two, three, four.

SPEAKER_02 42:58

That, when you do it, about three minutes, if you do it 12 times, you're gonna feel better at the end of it. Now, it's not a magic wand. You're not just gonna feel like everything is alleviated and that you have no more problems, but you are gonna feel like you have a clearer head, you're gonna feel like you have a little bit more control over those emotions, and you can keep doing that over and over.

Step Two Stop Pushing And Chasing

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The second thing that you can start doing right now is to stop pushing and stop chasing. We've talked about these, but these are the four most common pushes: pleading, begging, and whining, unengaging, just going cold, starting unnecessary fights in order to get a reaction from your spouse, hovering, tracking, and controlling. So trying to hack into their phone, see who they're following on Instagram, following them around, even putting a GPS tracker in their car or Life 360 on their phone so that you can try and see what they're doing. Stop it. Stop doing it. It's not helping you to be calm. And it's not helping your situation either, because your spouse is going to realize you're doing this. And even if you end up finding what they're hiding or the affair that they're having, what's your plan? You're just going to confront them and you're going to say, I know about the affair. And then all of a sudden you think that they're just going to stop. They're not. They're going to be pissed at you for invading their privacy. Your spouse is not thinking clearly right now. So these things that you think make all the sense in the world to you, don't. Number one, you're doing them out of emotion, not out of logic. And number two, even if you were being logical, your spouse isn't being logical. And so all of the things that you think are going to bring your spouse back to you that you are like in your mind trying to concoct and do, don't. Because it's not going to work. Trust me. At Mary Telper, we have worked, I mean, even just since 2012, we have worked with over 25,000 couples. And that's and that's a low estimate. These are the things that don't work. Trust me. And so if you're sitting there saying, well, what do I do instead? How in the world am I supposed to get them back? You stop pushing and you stop chasing. And before I tell you what we're going to do to get them back, the key of what I want you to do with this one is I want you to write down three things that you're doing right now that evoke negative emotions within your spouse. Three things. Sometimes it's that simple. That doesn't mean it's easy, but it is that simple. Find the things you're doing that are pushing your spouse away and stop doing those things. Now, here's the thing. I know that behavior change is hard. My PhD is actually in psychology. Specifically, it's in performance psychology. And I studied this for five years. Habits, goals, behavior change. What leads people to actually be able to make changes and habits that stick? And that's ultimately what we're talking about here when it comes to saving your marriage. It's it the marriage is one thing. You are the only part of the marriage that you can control right now. Therefore, you are the one who has to work. In order for you to save your marriage, you have to honestly take a look at yourself and decide which behaviors you need to change. And in order for these behaviors to stick, you've got to be specific. Specific. Number one, so what are the three things? Number two, you need to stop doing them. But stopping doing something is actually harder than starting to do something else. So in conjunction with stopping these three things, I want you to start working on your pies. This is what you're going to start doing. It's easier to wrap our heads around and to be motivated by starting a new thing. If we're going to stop being controlling, if we're going to stop hovering, if we're going to stop just being a doormat with the way that our spouse is treating us, whatever it might be, then you also need to start doing something because you need something to focus on doing that's actually going to give you the bigger motivation. So working on your pies is how love ultimately gets rebuilt. Now I want you to hear that very specifically because falling in love doesn't happen just because of the pies. The pies is only the first step. The pies is only the first thing, but a marriage is not built on pies. You actually have to learn how to fall in love. But if you're only focused on you, then you're never focused on love. Love is more than that. Love is passion. Love is commitment. Love is intimacy. We become better lovers in our marriage, not just sexually, but in all of those aspects of it. When we are working on our pies, but working on your pies alone doesn't actually teach you how to fall back in love and how to have a good marriage. But it's the first thing that you need to do. What I'm trying to help you understand is this is not working on your pies, isn't it? It's not the complete system. It's simply the one that you need to start with right now.

A Divorce Story That Turned Around

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Back several years ago before I was born, my dad actually left my mom. He and my two older sisters, the they were seven and twelve at the time. And he was a very successful person. He was traveling a lot, speaking a lot all over America, was very well known in the type of work that he did. He was actually a pastor, a preacher, and he had a speaking schedule that was booked five years out. And it was during that time that he ended up falling in love with a woman at his church, which is generally frowned upon. It's totally frowned upon. Terrible thing. And so he ended up getting fired, as he should have. But then he also ended up leaving and divorcing my mom. Their marriage was over. I mean, my dad, during those three years that they were divorced, my dad lived out of his car. He became an alcoholic. He was stealing drugs from people. When he would go over to their house when he was invited for dinner, he would go into their medicine cabinets and find their prescription painkillers and take them. He was a pastor.

SPEAKER_00 50:13

He was a pastor who had a speaking schedule booked five years out. And that's how far he had fallen.

SPEAKER_02 50:25

That marriage was unsalvageable. Everyone said so. They were divorced. They were divorced for three years. And during those three years, my mom did two key things. Really, she did three. She did three key things. The first one was she forgave him. She chose to not hold bitterness and resentment against him. And honestly, I think that's the most important thing she did. When you think about your marriage right now, I just wonder, are you holding bitterness and resentment? When you think of all the really crappy things that your spouse has done to you, when you think about it, how does it make you feel? I know that I felt a lot of bitterness and resentment towards my husband. Even after we came back together and made things worse or work, not worse, even when we came back together and made things work, there was still the natural inclination that I had to hold the past against him now. But you see, my mom, my dad left, and they were divorced. She she forgave him. She wasn't gonna let herself be bound by that. And that forgiveness allowed her to breathe, to be calm, to not be held hostage by the situation that had happened to her. She began to work on her pies. She didn't know that that's what she was doing at the time, but she said, you know what? I'm not gonna let this define me. I'm gonna work on becoming my best physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. She'd never had a job before. She was a stay-at-home mom. She ended up getting a job as a salesperson at a fireplace and spa store and ended up becoming top salesperson. She ended up like getting her, getting her life together. Instead of just falling into the pit of despair, she pulled herself up by her bootstrings and said, you know what? I have a life to live. And I'm not gonna let this hold me back. And so she did. And she didn't do those, those push behaviors. She wasn't talking bad about my dad to other people because she had forgiven him. She wasn't poisoning the well, like we call it, where she was just talking about all these negative things about him. She she didn't do any of those things. And over the course of those three years, it was like there were these two parallel paths that happened, right? There was uh there was my mom. There was my mom, and there was my dad. And there were the kids that would go back and forth house to house every two weeks. They were living two totally separate lives. There was mom, there was dad, and there were the kids. His life fell into oblivion multiple times was in the hospital after overdoses, wondering if they wondering if he was gonna live until the next day. And my mom's life got better. She worked on herself, she was working on her pies. But here's the thing, and this is why I say any marriage can be saved. There came a day after all of these years where my dad thought the grass was going to be greener on the other side, but he didn't work on himself. He didn't work on himself. He ended up chasing the thing that he thought was gonna bring him happiness, and it ultimately literally almost killed him. But he also lost everything. And he decided he didn't want that anymore. He woke up one day, it happened over a period of time, but as the saying goes, he woke up one day and realized he didn't like who he had become and he wanted his family back. And so he went to my mom and said, and asked, Will you take me back? Now you've heard the story. Everyone in her life, of course, said, Don't you do it. You could never trust him again. He is once a cheater, always a cheater. Why would you go back to that? And my mom had actually even started dating someone, which is so weird to think about. But she had started dating someone else. And so when he called, she took two weeks. She prayed about it, she thought about it, she asked, she asked her friends and family about it, and everyone said don't. In fact, her best friend said, if you take him back, I will never talk to you again. But she said that she knew that he was a good person who had done a lot of bad things. A lot of bad things.

SPEAKER_00 55:36

She honestly believed that he deserved a second chance. And so she took him back. And they remarried and they figured out how to fall in love again.

SPEAKER_02 55:50

And from that, two things were birthed. I don't know which one's more important. But one of those was me. I am literally a result of their remarriage to each other. This is why I so firmly believe that any marriage can be saved, because I owe my life to two people who didn't give up. Who didn't give up. To a woman who forgave against all odds, to a woman who said yes when everyone told her to say no. I owe my life to that. To to a man who did the right thing, who got his life back together, and who put the family back on the right track. Reconciliation and restoration is possible. There is nothing that is too far gone that God cannot redeem it. And whether you're a Christian or not, it's true. Like because I believe that reconciliation and redemption is possible in any situation, because that is what I see based on scripture and what I see in scripture over and over and over, is God restoring and redeeming what was impossible. I know that it's possible for literally any situation, literally any situation, because there is nothing that God can't do. And we at Marriage Helper, which is the second thing that was birthed out of my parents' reconciliation, and maybe the more important thing, because it has helped save thousands of marriages. And there are thousands of kids out there now, like me. Legacies that are being left because two people did the hard thing and they made it work and they fell back in love. And marriage helper is simply a steward and a vessel of helping to make that happen. That's why I know we have worked with so many situations, so many, y'all. There's not one thing that you could tell me that we have not yet heard. I mean, it's got to be pretty off the wall crazy for us to not have seen, worked with, or interacted with this situation before. And we still see these marriages be saved over and over and

Hope With A Clear Plan And Support

SPEAKER_02 58:16

over. But here's what I have to tell you it starts with you.

SPEAKER_00 58:24

If you're just sitting there waiting, what's gonna change?

SPEAKER_02 58:32

What's gonna change if you are just sitting there complaining, waiting, hoping for things to get better? If you're letting fear drive you, what's gonna change? If you're too scared because you're scared whatever you do might push them away, or making the wrong step is gonna end the marriage forever. I get that. I understand that. That's why we created the Save My Marriage course. Because it helps you know exactly what to do next, what to do now, what to do when they say this, what to do when they say that, how to find a lawyer who's gonna help you ultimately save your marriage. As we said at the beginning, your spouse filing for divorce doesn't mean that it's the end. And it breaks my heart every time, every time I get an email from someone and said, Well, she filed, I guess it's over. She filed, there's no hope. No. My parents were divorced for three years. They were divorced for three years. There is always hope. Just because your spouse has filed, it doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean anything. And I know that you're like, Kimberly, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. It doesn't mean anything because it's a piece of paper. It's you doing the things that can ultimately help restore your marriage and bring it back that's going to make the difference. Just because your spouse filed, it actually gives you the leverage you need in order to help bring them back. Because ultimately, and I won't get into all of this then, but when they've filed, guess what? You get to start negotiating and asking for things. And that's why we have ultimately our couples workshop that I want you to get to as soon as you can. Because our couples workshop, which is for just three-day intensive for marriages in crisis, your spouse doesn't want to have to save the marriage. They can come with the divorce papers in their hands. Great. We have that happen all the time. People have them in the car, people have them like on their little desk with them at the workshop. Love it. Glad that they're there. We want that situation because we know that anything can be helped. And our in our couples workshop has a 70% success rate at saving a marriage. But here's the thing: if I just talk about our couples workshop and how amazing it is, you're all gonna say, that's great for someone else. Because my spouse won't go. And you're talking yourself out of actually doing the things to help you save your marriage before you give yourself a chance. And before you give your marriage the chance. So start with the save my marriage course. When I went through my crisis of my marriage, I felt completely alone. I didn't know where to go. I didn't know who to turn to. I didn't know what to do. I truly didn't. And after my husband and I got through that process was when I said to the team here at Marriage Helper, we have to do something for the person who is like me, who is in the middle of the mess and feels shame, feels hopeless, feels like they have no idea where to turn or what to do or where to go. And that's where our Save My Marriage course originally came from. And it's 12 weeks. And in that we teach you in depth all of the things that help you learn how to save your marriage. That it teaches you more about the love path, about control, about how to stop being controlling, about push-pull principles, about pies, about attraction, about how to know when to move on, about how to communicate better. All of those things inside of this course, 12 video lessons, you get a full workbook, lifetime access to it. Because if you're saying, I need help and I need it now, and I need something, I need you to tell me what to do, this is the course that will tell you what to do. And it's helped over 10,000 people get started. Like sometimes information, information is power. I know it sounds cliche, but sometimes we just need to know what to do in order to have the confidence to go and do it. So there's nothing stopping you to do this. It gives you what you need, helps you know what to do, it helps you be able to move forward. And we've made it like the most accessible that we can make it for all of you to get started. So when we talk about the ultimate guide to saving your marriage, it's stopping your pushes, it's starting your pulls, and it's starting now to do the things that are going to help your spouse fall back in love with you. But right now, what are those three things you need to stop? How are you gonna start working on your pies? And how are you actually going to get started doing it now? And the Save My Marriage course can and will help you with that. You can't control the other person. You can only control you. If you're taking notes, I want you to write that down. You cannot control, and I love I love writing. Uh, so I'm even gonna write it as I as I talk. You cannot control the other person. You can't control what they do, you can't control what they say, you can't control if they forgive you, you can't control if they hate you.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:04

You can only control you.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:09

You can control if you forgive, you can control if you do the things that you need to do, if you stop doing the things you you need to stop doing. But the other thing that I would even add to this is in part of you can only control you, is have you actually identified the things that your spouse is withholding forgiveness from you because of? And have you asked for forgiveness? You can't demand forgiveness, but sometimes we don't even ask. It's hard to say, I was wrong. It's hard to say, I'm sorry. So the first place I would start is are you fully aware? And this is part of building trust, right? So um I'm actually gonna kind of draw out another framework for you because there's two frameworks that we ultimately use at Marriage Helper.

The Seven Steps And What You Can Do

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Uh one is the love path, which I've already walked you through, right? So there's the the same four things. I'm just drawing them again because I'm gonna do something different. We have attraction, which is pies, yummy, yummy. We have acceptance, we have attachment, and we have aspiration. All right, so from here, we also have our seven steps to save a marriage. Here's how they intertwine. The first step to saving your marriage is calm down. We talked about that today. Being calm is attractive. So you're gonna want to calm down. The second one is getting clarity. So step one, calm down. Step two, you need to get clarity. Getting clarity is kind of uh one that hovers like a cloud. Over the entire love path because it's important, or maybe like it's the absence of clouds because you actually have clear. Maybe it's the sun. Clarity is the sun over the love path because it helps you understand the entire thing. So step one, step two, and then we have step three, which is stop your pushes and start your pulls. We know that's important for the entire love path. So we're gonna write it really big under the whole thing. And that is one step, even though it is two things, because I wanted them to be seven steps. All right, so we have one, two, three. Now we have step four, which is forgive and reconcile. Forgiveness, uh, so pushes and pulls are a huge part of acceptance, they're a huge part of attachment. Um, but then also under acceptance is forgiveness. You can't move forward, you can't truly accept another person or feel like you have been accepted by them if you if they don't feel like you understand how you've hurt them, if they don't feel like you understand the depths of what has happened. It's hard to forgive someone when you feel like they don't understand what they're being forgiven of. It's not a requirement, but it is helpful, especially if you're going to be reconciling. And so, uh, as we said, this is step four. So forgive and reconcile. And reconcile falls under acceptance and attachment. Okay. Bear with me here. Reconciliation is not possible without forgiveness first. You cannot actually reconcile your marriage. And this is where we say when we when we look at uh when we look, if we were to break this up, uh maybe I should do a different color. So if we were to break this up, everything in red you can do by yourself. You don't need your spouse. You do not need your spouse to calm down, to get clarity, to stop your pushes and start your pulls, or to forgive. You don't need them. You can do all of those things now and you can ask for forgiveness no matter what has happened. Everything in blue you have to do together. For reconciliation, for rebuilding trust, for reigniting passion and intimacy, which are the the next. So under attachment, this is all about uh so we're on step five, we build back trust.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:44

And then six, we have reignite passion and intimacy.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:51

And then, of course, number seven is create your dream life, and which is all about aspirations. So this is how the seven steps to save your marriage works. I know there's a lot going on with it, but everything from attraction, acceptance, calming down, stopping your pushes, starting your pulls, which how you communicate is a part of that. So if you've ever heard the term smart contact used in our our people here at Marriage Helper, uh from our team here at Marriage Helper, then that's what it is. Like smart contact is under attraction, it's under acceptance, it's a it's how we stop pushing. It's how we stop pushing because we change how we're talking. And then forgiveness, all of that can happen, you. You don't need your spouse. This is how I can say one person can begin doing the things to save a marriage. Because all of this that you see here on the screen, all of this is the process to saving a marriage. You can get halfway there, just you. Just you. But you can't get all the way without your spouse. And there's a lot of um things out there now, like there's a lot of programs, and some of you may have looked at some of them where it's all about you just need to focus on you. We can help you save your marriage. And it's just, it's just a like a one-on-one type of program, and it's only working with you. One of the things that makes marriage helper different is that we do both. We understand the difference, and we understand where on the path the difference begins to occur. We can get you to this point to forgiveness and maybe halfway towards the beginning of reconciliation when you're just doing it yourself. But ultimately, there has to be a time where the two of you begin really working on the second part of it together. And you can. And the thing is, and one of the things that we've seen with the Save My Marriage Course over the 10 years that we've had it as an organization, and we've redone it over the years, so you're not watching 10-year-old videos that look like they're shot with a potato. But one of the things that we have seen through the years is that when people start with the Save My Marriage course, it actually ends up opening the door to the couple beginning to work on things together. And that's where the couple's workshop comes in. So the save my marriage course, uh, if I'm gonna add more to this beautiful, I'm Picasso basically. Then the Save My Marriage course is for here. The Save My Marriage course is where you begin to work on you. We also um, there's other things that we have, but I would encourage you starting with the solo spouse. And then it's the couples workshop that falls under both of you. This is the goal of where we want all of you to ultimately get to because of the success rate that it has and because of the turnaround that I know that it can happen for you. Um, so this is the this is the this is the process. I may like, I may have overloaded everyone in the world, but this is what we do at Marriage Helper. This is the process we take you through, and this is how what we offer helps you here.

Clarity Beats Fear Based Decisions

SPEAKER_02 1:11:56

Uh again, I told you that I have my PhD in performance psychology. And one of the things that I uh did in my program, in my PhD program, is I had a class where I had to um take different athletes and look at their look at their profiles. So there was one basketball player who was like a sophomore, he had been a starter for his team uh the year before, but now he would black out every time that he got on the court and started, you know, even in practice, or especially in games, but even during practice, because there had been one bad game that he had. And it wasn't medical, but it was all mental. So he was, he, he couldn't perform. He had the yips, if you want to, if you know that that phrase, where like something that someone had done so easily, all of a sudden they cannot do anymore because they are scared. It's like a mental block that they had in their mind. Where am I going with this? Get clarity. So for him, like he for him, it was I can't do this anymore. This is clearly a sign from my body or whatever, like a, you know, it's just a sign that I can't do this. But it's because he just didn't understand what to do. And he didn't understand everything that it would entail. So my job was to uh create a plan. Like I would assess him, I created a whole assessment plan, an assessment process, what all I was gonna look at, different metrics, blah, blah, blah. But then a plan of what he was gonna do over the next eight weeks in order to slowly get back, uh get over those mental blocks to be able to move forward. That is the same thing. Like, that's what we're teaching you to do. It's all grounded in psychology, it's all grounded in behavior change, it's all grounded in things that actually work because that's what we do at Marriage Helper. I'm a researcher. My dad, Dr. Joe Beam, who I've already told you the story about, my parents when they founded Marriage Helper. My dad is the one who actually teaches you the majority of the Save My Marriage course that you're gonna be starting. Um, like we know, we've been doing this for a long time. My dad's been doing this for, Lord help us, 35 years. And I've been doing this for 14. And we have amazing coaches on our team, and and we've worked with so many people that we have this data that other people don't have over a long amount of time. So longitudinally, the amount of people we've been able to work with has been has been able to add to the success we have, but also the understanding we have for marriage situations. So getting clarity is understanding what's actually happened, what the real issues are, because again, in talking, like giving that example about that uh basketball player, he was never going to be able to see that for himself. He had to have someone on the outside who knew more, who had more experience to be able to create that plan for him and ultimately be able to overcome the yips. Maybe you have the yips right now. Like I think all of you probably probably have the yips, like the things, the person I loved, the way my life was. It's not that way anymore. And I'm scared of doing anything because I don't want to make it worse. Well, we can help you get over that. So here's

Start Now And Do Not Wait

SPEAKER_02 1:15:12

what you need to do now. Doing nothing isn't going to work. Your marriage isn't going to get better on its own. If it was going to, it would have already gotten better. A lot of people think I'll just sit back, I'll wait, I'll just hope that things change. But hope is two things. It is a vision of how things can be different in the future. And it is a plan that you follow to get there. I've shown you how we at Marriage Helper have worked with thousands and thousands of couples over the past 30 years as an organization. And it doesn't have to wait until your spouse is on board. You can begin doing the things now, starting with our Save My Marriage course. The link is in the description. You can literally start in five minutes from now. Go ahead and click it, go ahead and join, you'll get instant access. You can start watching the videos right now. It's going to help you have the plan you need in order to save your marriage. And then when it's time for you to approach your spouse and ask them to go to the couples workshop with you, we have that as well. If you're ready for that, and if you're saying, I'm ready, I'm ready to figure out how to have that conversation, our team can help you figure that out. We have resources and videos you can watch about how to approach your spouse, about getting help with you by going to our couple's workshop. And remember, they don't have to want to save the marriage. They just have to agree to go. And we can help you with that. Like I said at the beginning, if they've filed for divorce, if they've said they don't love you, if they're in an active affair, it doesn't mean it's over. It actually means that those could be the things that you use to help your spouse get help with you for the marriage and ultimately have your marriage be saved. So start with a Save My Marriage course. Don't wait. It's gonna help no matter what. And then get to our couple's workshop. Click the link below to get started. And I want you to remember there is always hope.