The 4 Things That Make Your Spouse Want to Come Home

Your spouse wants to leave. Okay. Let them.

But here's what nobody tells you. Even if they walk out that door, there's still one person you're left with.

You.

So you might as well become someone you actually like living with. And here's the secret most people miss. That's also the one thing most likely to bring your spouse back.

In this video, I teach you the framework I call the PIES. Four areas of your life. Four ways you become the most attractive version of yourself. Physical. Intellectual. Emotional. Spiritual.

And I teach it while making an actual pie, because every ingredient matters, and so does every part of you.

Physical isn't about a magazine cover. It's sleep, movement, food, and the energy to handle a marriage in crisis.

Intellectual is becoming a fascinating person to talk to again.

Emotional is being the sugar, not the salt. The compliments, not the complaints.

Spiritual is living in line with what you actually believe.

Here's the part you have to hear. This only works when you do it for you. Not as a tactic. Not to manipulate them back.

People don't leave what they have unless they believe what they're going to is better.

So be the better.

I'll show you how.

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Transcript

Let Them Leave, Choose Yourself

SPEAKER_00 0:00

So your spouse wants to leave you? Fine. Let them. But even if they do, there's one person that you are going to be left with. You. So you might as well make sure you are someone that you like being with. And guess what? Here's a little secret. If you do that, then that's actually the thing that if anything works to bring your spouse back, this will. It's actually a four-step framework that I'm going to teach you in today's video. My name is Dr. Kimberly Beam Holmes. I have a PhD in psychology. And I love teaching people what I'm going to be teaching you today. It's a four-part framework that I call the pies. And it stands for the four areas of your life and the four ways that you are the most attractive person and how you can become the most attractive person that you can be. And I'm going to teach you about the pies while making a pie. Because here's the thing everyone loves pies. And if you say, I don't really care for pie that much, you're lying. Everyone loves sugar. They love sweet things. And that's the whole point of working on your pies. When you focus on becoming your most attractive self, it makes you sweet. It makes you delicious. It makes you someone that people want to be around. Just like when you make a pie, if you do it the right way, if you follow the right steps, if you use the right ingredients, it leads to something that's ultimately delicious. But guess what? You can make a pie the wrong way too. So when you're making something, you've got to find the recipe, right? And if you're anything like me, you try and go and you find the one with the most stars and the most reviews because you know that's the one that's most likely to work. So just to give you a little heads up, the recipe of working on your pies has five out of five stars. Thousands of people have done it. They would highly recommend because when you begin working on yourself physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually, the best thing that happens is you become the best that you can be. We're going to dive into each of those.

Physical: Sleep, Movement, Food

SPEAKER_00 2:04

I'm going to pull up my recipe. And the first thing I'm going to do is start by making an Oreo crust while also explaining to you what the physical part of the pie stands for and what you need to do about it. So, what is physical attraction? Well, we can think of it kind of like the crust of a pie. It's the thing that people tend to see and judge the pie by, especially if you've ever watched a great British baking show. I mean, people will fail or pass based on how well their crust is done and how golden brown it is. Physical attraction, it's all about looking and feeling the best that you can for your age and situation in life. Now, let's be real. That's not going to happen if you just eat a bunch of pies like I'm like we're going to be doing in today's video. But here's what it is about physical attraction. Yes, there is a looks aspect to it. Are you focusing on keeping your body well nourished, on moving, on getting good sleep? Because it's these things that are the inputs that we put into ourselves that allows us to have the energy, the motivation, the drive to show up and meet the demands that our daily life throws out at us, especially if your marriage is in crisis. If your marriage is in crisis and you're already not sleeping great, you are less able to handle the stressful conversations that come your way, the emotional decisions that come your way, because a lack of sleep clouds all of that judgment. If you're eating a bunch of highly processed foods, again, you're not gonna feel great. If you are not moving your body around and going outside and getting sunlight, all of that is gonna affect the way you feel about yourself. It's not just about trying to look like your body should be on the cover of a magazine. That's not what it's about. But it is about taking care of yourself. It's about putting on some nice clothes every once in a while, getting your hair done, doing things that make you feel more confident in the way that you show up. And so the easiest ways that you can go about doing this, number one, get good sleep. If you're struggling with sleep right now, that's the number one thing that I want you to focus on. Aim to get seven to nine hours a night. Aim to have a good bedtime routine. Aim to actually put down the phone and anything that causes negative emotions before you go to bed. Do everything you can to protect your sleep, for from that, everything else will flow. If you get more sleep, you are going to have better judgment, better emotional handling. You're gonna be able to do the rest of your pies even better. It's also gonna give you the energy to go and start working out. I don't care if you go for a run, if you go for a walk, if you're lifting weights, if you're doing tai chi. I don't care what you're doing, but as long as you are moving your body, it helps your muscles to get rid of tension. It helps you to sleep better that night. There's so many great benefits that it has for you. And if you're already struggling with anxiety or depression, then working out is gonna be something that allows you to, I mean, even without medication, begin to have a dwindling of those symptoms that you're currently feeling. And then finally, eating. Again, not pies all of the time, but aim to eat some vegetables, some meat, some good foods because it's gonna help you ultimately feel better about yourself as well. With that being said, every once in a while you have to treat yourself. So I'm gonna start making, uh, doing whatever this is processor, food processor for the crust.

Intellectual: Become Interesting Again

SPEAKER_00 6:07

It's kind of like the filling of the pie. There's a bunch of different types of fillings out there, right? But it's what gives it its taste and its uniqueness. Well, it's the same for you. Think about when you were dating your spouse and you were constantly asking questions, curious about them, wanting to learn more, wanting to understand their hobbies. They were asking you about yours. I know that was true with me and my husband. He was a history major, so he knew all of these things about world wars and other things that happened in the past. And he would love sharing those things with me. But then after we got married, we stopped talking as much, especially about things outside of the relationship or bills or things that honestly just aren't that intimate or friendly. And so, what I want you to do when you think about how to become more intellectually attractive is become a fascinating person to talk to. Take up a hobby, finish your degree, go and learn something new, take up a new language, start playing piano, do something that's going to just get your mind rolling. Instead of just scrolling on Instagram all day long, having brain rot. I want you to do things that are going to fill your mind in a way that you're learning and you're growing. That makes you a fascinating person to talk to. And that's so much better because now you have things that you can talk with your spouse about outside of problems with the kids or taxes coming up. No one wants to talk about those coming home from work every day and want to talk about how was your day? What have you been learning? Tell me about something interesting. That's what is the basis of friendship, especially when those are shared meanings and shared hobbies that you have together. Friendship is the basis of a great marriage. Now I'm gonna make this pie filling.

Emotional: Sugar Not Salt

SPEAKER_00 8:06

One of the most important parts of making a pie is the sugar. I know sugar gets a bad rap and it is terrible for you. I can't really argue on the basis of the health benefits of sugar, but think about the taste of pie, as we're talking about here. When I was a freshman in high school, the seniors would take food class. They would take cooking class. And there was one day in particular that they came running down freshman hall saying, We made you all cookies. And so on my way to chorus class, I was like, oh, these like really good-looking freshman guys just made me cookies. Of course, I took one, started eating it, only to find out it was a salt cookie. Mouth instantly dehydrated in chorus class, trying to sing, and the taste of all of the salt was so off-putting. Well, here's the thing salt looks like sugar. But salt, when you put it in a pie and you mistake it for sugar, that's the worst taste that someone could have. It it instantly pushes someone away. It instantly gives this ugh kind of feeling. The whole point about emotional attraction is that you evoke emotions within other people that they enjoy feeling. You want to be the sugar, not the salt. And back when you were dating your spouse, you were doing this. You were listening to each other, you were accepting how they felt, you were there for them when they needed you, you were doing these kind things for them, you were giving them compliments. That's how you were when you were dating. But somewhere along the way, you began to turn those compliments into complaints. And guess what? Those feelings that evoked good emotions in your spouse that they enjoyed feeling from you, the more those turned from compliments into complaints, the worse they felt about themselves and the more they didn't want to be around you. You better believe I never ate another cookie from a senior when I was in high school again, because I had learned my lesson. It had pushed me away. We can do that same thing in our relationships. So when it comes to emotional attraction, we want to use the right kind of ingredient. We've got to use the sugar, not the salt. We need to do the thing that pulls people towards us, not the things that push people away.

Spiritual: Values And Moral Compass

SPEAKER_00 10:51

Cream is what makes everything better. It's decadent, it's rich, it's what brings depth and volume to a pie. And that's what spiritual attraction does for you. It is living in line with your beliefs and values, becoming and being the person that you want to be. It's about having strong beliefs and values and being sure that you continue to make decisions and to act in ways that are in line with that. Now, to do this, you need to actually have some kind of internal moral compass. And a lot of people, when they're in the middle of going through a marriage crisis, they feel like that's kind of broken. Maybe they grew up in a Christian faith, but they can't imagine how God would allow this to be happening to them, why God won't just change their spouse, why God won't save their marriage. So maybe you're just questioning your faith right now and trying to figure out what you actually believe. That's going to play a part in your spiritual attraction ultimately. Because here's the thing: we are attracted to people who we believe have the same beliefs and values that we do, or better beliefs and values than we do. When my husband and I started dating, one of the first things that attracted me to him was this area of spiritual attraction. We met in college and one of, well, we met when we were kids. We remet in college. And one of the first things that my friends told me about him because they knew he was there. I didn't. And they said, Oh my goodness, he's such a good guy. He's so generous. He goes and helps the homeless. He's given to our mission trips when we've gone before. He's genuinely a good person. And so while I was physically attracted to my husband, I was also very spiritually attracted to him because I he had a reputation that preceded him of the kind of person that he was. And that was attractive. So, what does that mean for you? In order to be a spiritually attractive person, you need to have a spiritual compass and a moral grounding and direction. That doesn't mean that you have to be a Christian, but I am a Christian. And I do believe that trying to fight for your marriage and stand for your marriage is incredibly harder without Jesus. Prayer matters. The Bible gives you a daily word. I mean, the fact that we have access to God's word and what he says about what is true and about who he is and about what he wants for our lives, that's something that supersedes any situation that you're in. And so prayer matters. It helps you become calmer. Reading the Bible, having a spiritual community that you're able to go to and lean on during hard times, all of those things make a huge difference and can help you become the kind of person that your spouse is attracted back to.

Be The Better Place To Return

SPEAKER_00 13:42

Not as a manipulation tactic, but because you have ultimately become the better. There's something that we always say at Marriage Helper, which is people don't leave what they have unless they believe what they're going to is better. And that's true of anything. It may be that your spouse is being attracted out of your marriage or pulled out of your marriage because of another person, but it may just be because of the idea of having peace, because peace isn't currently happening in your home. So we always say, be the better. Be the thing that when life gets hard, your husband or your wife would want to come back to. Create that kind of environment, be that kind of person. And it starts by you truly working on yourself for yourself, not as a gimmick, not as a manipulation tactic in order to bring your spouse back. In fact, the more that you focus on them and how they're reacting to you as you work on your pies, the worse it's gonna be for you because everything you do, every positive change you're make, you make, you're gonna look at them and say, are they responding to me the way that I want them to? And then when they don't, you're just gonna say, working on my pies doesn't work. Working on your pies is fail-proof. Unlike this pie that I'm probably making, which is going to look probably pretty ridiculous, but working on your pies will never fail because when you work on becoming your best self, it is a win-win situation. It's going to be the best thing you can do for you. And if anything works to bring your spouse back, this will. So just like in making a pie, each ingredient is important and in the right proportions. And same with working on your pies. Physical attraction continues to be important your whole life long. Intellectual attraction, same thing. Emotional attraction, spiritual attraction, they're all important, especially for your marriage. Now here's the thing: when it comes to the best marriages, which of the four areas of attraction do you think is the most important for a happy marriage? Emotional. You don't want to be the salt. You want to be the sugar when we think of it in terms of making a pie. Because you want to be that thing that pulls someone towards you. You want to be that thing that pulls your husband back, that pulls your wife back. They want to feel good when they're around you. Just like when we eat pie, a lot of times, it's a comfort food. We do it in celebration. We do it in good times. We do it to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, friends. That's the way we want to make the people in our life feel. Like we love them. We're always there for them, that they feel good when they are around us. So these are the types of things that you can begin doing. Now, just like in making a pie, it's not done yet.

Consistency And Time Create Results

SPEAKER_00 16:30

I've put everything together, but for this pie, I've got to put it in the freezer and let it set, let it get to where it's ready to cut. Some pies, you bake them, and you've got to put the raw pie crust and all of that stuff in the oven in order for it to bake and get ready. Same with your pies. You're gonna start working on the bait, you're not gonna see the full outcome until you give it time. Be consistent about it. So we're gonna put this in the freezer, we're gonna see how it turns out, and then I'm gonna tell you what you can do now.

Her Marriage Crisis Turnaround Story

SPEAKER_00 17:01

Okay, my pie is ready. Let's see how it looks. Let's see how it tastes, more importantly. Here's the thing: you spend all this time in your life working on your pies. And you just want to feel good about it at some point. You wanna feel like you can experience the outcome, the result of all your hard work. And you should, because it's important to celebrate the milestones. In fact, if I were back at the beginning of trying to save my marriage right now, in fact, this is what I did when my marriage was in crisis. For the longest time, I was not focused on me at all. I was completely focused on my husband, on everything I wished he would do differently in order for me to be happy. And the more I did that, the less happy I was. It wasn't until I finally focused on me, physically, getting out of my pajamas. I was just lounging around all day, feeling sorry for myself. I started to just take care of myself, start working out, start eating healthy, just start taking care of my body, getting better sleep. Intellectually, I began to learn more, to take up new hobbies, to take up new interests, to learn new language. I remember my so my husband took German in college. And so I remember buying a set of, like back when CDs were a thing, if you if you remember, a set of how to learn German. And I would just listen to it as I would drive because I wanted to have something in common with him, even though we were going through crisis. Like that's a key point that I wanted to just learn for myself. Emotionally, it was about really thinking through what are the things I'm doing that are driving him away emotionally. One of those things was when he would come home from work after an incredibly hard day, and I would just expect him to make me happy. I would expect him to pay attention to me. And it's not that that's bad. I, of course, need his attention from time to time, but it was the fact that in my, in my mind, I was putting him as the priority, as like kind of like on a pedestal that it was his job to make me happy. So instead, I just flipped that. What can I do to make our home more inviting and warm when he comes home? Or now it's kind of flipped where I'm the one coming home. It's something I still have to focus on. And then spiritually, I got up early every day, 5 a.m., and just spent that first hour of my day reading the Bible, journaling, spending that time in prayer so that I could get all of my feelings out, so that I could start my day better. And over time, I began to see the results of working on my pies. In myself, I began to have better self-esteem, better confidence, all of those things. And then eventually he saw that in me and he began to change himself too. So how did this pie turn out? I feel like I need a plate, maybe. Let's see. Oh, I don't know. It looks delicious. Not perfect, but so here's the thing. That's the framework of how you can work on yourself to become the best version of you.

Next Steps And Watch The Guide

SPEAKER_00 20:14

But it's just the beginning. In fact, I have a video where I break down the full process of how we can work with you. Because at the end of the day, you can put all your time and effort and energy into finding the right recipe, getting all the ingredients together, making it, and hopefully it'll turn out decent. Or you can have your pies done for you. No, I can't work on your pies for you. But at Marriage Helper, we have helped thousands of people become their best selves. So we can help you get further, faster, and hopefully look like this way quicker than if you were to put all the time and effort and then look like this. But I have a full video that I want you to go watch. It's called The Ultimate Guide to Saving Your Marriage. It's linked to in the description below. That's the next thing you need to go do. Go watch it. See the full process. Working on your pies is just the beginning. But there's several more steps after that that ultimately helps your marriage to be saved. You need to work on you, but you also need to learn how to love better in order for your marriage to be better than it's ever been. Watch the next video. I'll see you there.