Am I Wrong For Questioning My Marriage After What My Husband Told Me?

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He sent me a message.

He said he wants to work on his mistakes. He wants to move forward. He doesn't want our kid raised in a divided home.

She read it and printed divorce papers.

Her question. Is that even communication? Or is he just asking me to forget everything that happened?

Here's where almost everyone gets this wrong.

She thinks he's gaslighting her. She keeps a record of every conversation so she can prove she's not crazy. She feels unheard, dismissed, blamed.

But I don't think he's gaslighting her at all.

I think they're talking past each other. Two different worldviews. Two different ways of processing the same fight. And the record of wrongs she's keeping to feel grounded is the exact thing pushing him further away.

In this video I read Reddit posts and respond to three real marriages. The husband with a female best friend he just handed 25% of his business. The husband who can't hold a job. And this one.

He's trying. She just can't hear it yet.

I'll show you what it actually takes to fix a marriage like this one.

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Transcript

Welcome And The Reddit Experiment

SPEAKER_00 0:00

My name is Kimbrilly Beam Holmes, Dr. Kimbrilly Beam Holmes. I'm joined today by Mercy, the dog. I'm the CEO of Marriage Helper, and I'm gonna be reading Reddit posts for the first time ever. We'll see how this goes off of the subreddit of Marriage Advice. Here

The Female Best Friend Problem

SPEAKER_00 0:16

we go. My husband and his female best friend. That's the that's the header. I've never written on here before, but I need outsider advice. I've been with my husband for 13 years, seven years married. No kids. About a year after our marriage in 2020, he started getting close with his female co-worker. The gist of it, they worked together until 2022, when they both left and worked for other companies, but still very much remained friends to the point where the last year or so I would consider them best friends. Let's call her Brit. Some examples of what I mean by very close. I had to go out of town for a seminar for work on his birthday. I told him I could make it work to reschedule, but he insisted not to, even though I felt so bad. He told me he just wanted to relax and spend some time alone until later that night I called or he called and said that Britt wanted to go to the casino, so he went with her. When Brit and her boyfriend broke up in 2024, my husband really stepped up to help her. If she needed her dog picked up from daycare, heavy furniture, and her house moved, he would do it, borrowing his truck, all the things. Us three going to her house every other week for dinner because she was bored and lonely, buying her gifts for her birthday and holidays, him going to her house on holidays for an hour just to say hi to her and her family because he felt it was the nice thing to do. She also, one time, wanted to go out of town to see an art show, and he said we should all three go. We booked the trip, and five days before leaving, I had to change my flight to leave one day later due to work issues, and I genuinely thought he would change his flight too, to leave with me, but he kept his flight, so him and her left together, and I met them there the next day. This doesn't even scratch the surface of examples. I'm just doing my best to sum it up in here. Throughout these past six years, I have told him numerous times I think the friendship is too close for someone who is married. He knows how much it's bothered me, but he has never cut her out of his life. Well, fast forward to now, he has decided to not only hire her at his company, but now giving her 25% of the business. And for me, this was the last straw. He has insisted it was never physical, and he also insists he has no emotional connection, but I would certainly argue different, especially since he has told me that unfortunately she is going to be in our lives forever. Why? Now that she is working for him and he is paying her three times what he paid the person prior to her in that position, I cannot take it anymore. TLDR, this friendship has consumed me for years now, and I have, and I have to figure out is this something we can work through or is it even worth it? Do I deserve better from my husband? I would love for someone to tell me I'm crazy, and it's not that big of a deal. I've never talked to one person about this, mostly because it's embarrassing. So honestly, maybe I need to chill out, and nothing is weird or wrong in this situation.

Safeguards And Boundaries That Protect

SPEAKER_00 3:06

Okay, there is something weird and wrong in this situation. He is definitely way too close to this other woman, and they have been close friends for the majority of your marriage. You've been married for seven years, and you have said that they've been best friends pretty much for six of it. The fact that he is making big life decisions that include this other woman without talking to you, his wife, about it is a problem. It's a huge red flag, and I hate using the term red flag because I think that it can make people feel sick to their stomach and feel like they need to get out of the relationship. The thing is, this marriage can still be saved, but it's gonna take you having some very strong conversations with your husband. It's going to take you saying, I am not comfortable with this. It's gonna take you setting boundaries, or at Marriage Helper, we call them safeguards that offer protection, because you can't live with him doing all of this stuff with her. It's inappropriate for him to be alone with her on a vacation. It's inappropriate for him to have hired her at his business. It's stupid for him to pay her three times as much as the person that he paid before them, and stupid for him to give her 25% of the business, unless she's like some kind of savant at business. All of this points to the fact that he is likely involved with her. He is likely, whether it's physical or not, fine. But there is an emotional involvement here that is way beyond the boundaries of what is at all appropriate for a married man. And so at this point, you need to set those boundaries for yourself and make sure that you are at the same time working on you, working on becoming the best that you can be, work on being a friend for him, work on being a safe place. I mean, a question I think that is appropriate to ask yourself in this situation is why did this happen? Because what we know about relationships is the reason that they split, the reason that all relationships begin to have fractures in their foundation is because one or both people no longer feel liked, loved, or respected. We know that from the research. And so the key here is understanding are you or have you been doing things over your 13-year relationship that pushed him away, even if it was not your intention to do so? That this other woman, again, this isn't, this isn't advocating or condoning uh what he is doing, but did this other woman fill a void in his life that you should have been the one to be there for? Talking about things, supporting him, encouraging him in his dreams, whatever that might be. But at the same time, there are pulls that people can be pulled out of their current relationship towards something else, even if the person in the relationship is doing everything absolutely perfectly. But the thing is, most people don't do everything in a relationship absolutely perfectly. So it's completely valid to hold these two things at one time. Number one, setting boundaries of what's appropriate and what's not appropriate and what you are going to tolerate in your relationship, while at the same time ensuring that you are doing the things to be the pull, to evoke positive emotions in your husband so that hopefully he won't go looking for that outside of the relationship. Now, there's gonna be some people who hear that and they say, it's not my responsibility. It's not my responsibility as his wife to keep him from having inappropriate relationships with other people. That's true to a point. But if you are a husband or a wife in this situation, we're talking to the wife, it is your responsibility to make sure that you are helping to meet your husband's needs sexually, emotionally, uh, relationally. Like that is one of the key reasons of marriage that you show the other person that you are there for them when everyone else might turn their back on them, that you're there for them no matter what life may throw out, throw at you. And so there's a human need, a deep human need and desire for connection, for belonging, for purpose. And a marriage relationship is the most stable and sustainable relationship for those things to happen within. When we don't get that inside of our relationship, it can lead to temptation happening outside of the relationship. So what do you do at this point? You set those boundaries and at the same time, you ask yourself the hard question of is there something I've been doing that has left my husband lacking? Realizing that him being in this inappropriate relationship is still ultimately his decision. But is there any point, any part that you may have played in it that you can rectify?

He Wants To Fix It By Text

SPEAKER_00 7:57

Okay, so the header for this one is he wants to fix our marriage in quotations, which cannot wait to see where this goes. My husband recently sent me a message saying he's willing to work on his mistakes, wants us to move forward, and doesn't want our child raised in a divided home. That's good. He asked me to let go of the past and focus on fixing the marriage together. Makes me wonder what happened in the past, but let's keep going. Maybe she'll tell, maybe they'll say. My question is, is that really communication? My husband sent me a message. Okay, sent me a message. All right. How are you supposed to resolve problems that are directly affecting the marriage if one person can't handle hearing the truth or discussing difficult topics? He says he wants communication, but when I communicate my concern, he complains about it. It feels like a no-win situation. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. One of his biggest complaints is that I keep records of our conversations and bring them up later. The reason I do that is because we've been down this road multiple times. When issues come up, he often acts as though things were never said or that I'm making accusations out of nowhere. Keeping records, so she's admitting to it, helps me stay grounded in reality and avoid being told events that didn't happen the way I remember them. Okay, so she's going down the road of acting like she's being gaslit, but I think there's something else happening here. Let's keep going. I actually stopped planning a future with my husband the day he told me don't expect anything from me. That statement changed how I viewed our marriage and made me question whether we were truly partners. Since then, I've felt increasingly unheard, dismissed, and blamed. At this point, even small things like basic effort in the relationship feel absent. I can't get my husband to take me on a simple date, whether it's my birthday or any other occasion. I've stopped expecting it altogether. And now when those days come around, I just lay in bed and disconnect because that's how I've trained myself to cope. I've also been accused of using my postpartum depression and our baby to blackmail him when all I've asked for is basic help around the home and support as a spouse and parent. Instead of addressing my concerns, I often feel blamed simply for bringing them up. Another major issue is that beliefs and expectations were brought into our marriage that I was never told about beforehand and I don't agree with. My husband has made comments that suggest certain gender roles and expectations that were never discussed before we got married. For example, he once told me his mother taught him how to cook, but never expected him to actually do it. I told him that mindset has no place in my marriage. We're adults and partners, not children being waited on by their mothers. What really threw me was when he told me that if he had been back in his home country, his culture would have never allowed him to marry me. That left me with a lot of questions. If that's how you felt, why wasn't that discussed before the marriage? Why marry me at all? Why not be honest about those beliefs, cultural expectations, and potential obstacles from the beginning so I could make an informed decision about whether this marriage was right for me. For me, communication is a foundation of a marriage. Paying bills doesn't erase relationship problems. It doesn't make me stop wanting accountability, respect, communication, emotional connection, and teamwork. Sometimes it feels like he'd prefer a wife who never questions anything and simply accepts whatever happens. At this point, I have both feet out the door. I've started making plans for my future and working towards independence because I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a miserable person feeling unheard. I've already printed divorce paperwork, although I'm not even sure I have the correct forms because I've never done this before. I'm actually leaning more toward an annulment, but if that's not possible, I'll just pursue a divorce. It's unfortunate that divorce is even being discussed, but I honestly don't know what else to do when communication keeps breaking down and serious issues are expected to be swept under the rug. Am I being unreasonable here? Does his message sound like genuine accountability and a willingness to address the underlying issues? Or does it sound more like he's asking me to move on without actually discussing them? And am I wrong for feeling blindsided by things that were never disclosed before marriage? Too long didn't read. Am I wrong for questioning my marriage after what my husband told

Stop The Cycle And Get Clarity

SPEAKER_00 12:01

me? Let's go back to the original message that all of this is based off of. My husband recently sent me a message saying he's willing to work on his mistakes. He wants us to move forward, and he doesn't want to raise our child in a divided home. He has asked me to let go of the past and focus on fixing the marriage together. So the first question is, is that really communication? Well, yes. I mean, at its core, communication is sending a message that the receiver hears and then says, I received your message. Like that's the very basis of what communication is. That's not what you're asking here. What you are wanting is for your husband to fully understand all the ways in which he's hurt you. And that's why you keep these records of wrongs. He is seeing it differently. There's a lot of people who might read parts of what you say, like he remembers things differently. He says that I never said things the way I said them. He's not trying to gaslight you, I don't believe. I believe what's actually happening there is the two of you have such different ways of processing information and two different worldviews and expectations that you're talking past each other and you can't get on the same page. Here's what I would recommend you do: put all these thoughts of divorce to the side for now. What would happen if you actually decided to try and work on the marriage in a way that he said he's willing to work on his mistakes? Okay, let's start there. Have you actually thought about saying, well, hey, here's the ways that I have been hurt? But not just asking that from him, but also asking that of him about you. Asking and being willing to openly hear what are the ways that I have hurt you? What are the situations in which I need to ask for forgiveness from you because of how I have said things. Maybe you do need to ask for forgiveness for all the times that you have thrown past conversations and things that have happened in the past back in his face. Because that's just continuing this downward cycle. If you actually wanted to commit to working on the marriage, then there's key things that you have to do. The first one is calm down. So put, oh, put to the side all of this. Should I get a divorce? How do I divorce? I've already printed divorce papers. For the sake of your kid, if nothing else, put that to the side and enter into this to step two, which is you need to get clarity on what the core issues here are. You feel like it's a lack of communication. I think he feels like also it's a lack of you understanding him. So how can you get on each other's page? And then both of you need to stop doing the things that are pushing the other person away and start doing the things that will pull the other person closer. You need to forgive the past. You need to do an actual process, which we would call the reconciliation process, where you're actually figuring out how to forgive these hurts and create a plan that you work towards together so that it doesn't happen again. And then you build back trust, you reignite passion and intimacy and you create your dream life together. Those are the seven steps to saving your marriage. And I would encourage you to start there. Now that's a lot. You can't start at that whole thing. You can't start at all seven, but you need to start with getting clarity. He is, I believe he is trying to communicate. So then the next step is hey, I want to make this work too. Let's try this, but you can't just keep throwing the past back in his face. That's gonna be what keeps pushing him away. You have to do this differently. He's trying to communicate. So try your best to communicate back to him. And that's where a third party, like a marriage coach, really comes in handy in helping you navigate this. All right, here's

Job Loss And Financial Burnout

SPEAKER_00 15:43

the final one. Thinking of divorce. Am I wrong? My husband and I have been married for about 10 years. We have two children together, seven and two. From the start of when we started dating to now, my husband has not been able to keep a job for longer than two years. When we were dating, he went through three different jobs. I supported him as I thought it was him trying to figure out life. We were both young and I felt he was trying to figure out what he liked. When our oldest was six months, he was fired from his job and didn't find a new one until I left for a month. Why did you leave him? Did you leave him because he got fired from his job? At that point, he was unemployed for over a year and I was paying all the bills on my own. We had occasional help from our parents, family, and I took out of my own 401k. We were on the verge of losing our house. Bills were going to be shut off after I left him. I think he realized that I'm seriously about to be done. He eventually found a job and stuck to it for a period of time. He eventually quit that job to go back to a previous job and later on found a better opportunity and switched jobs again. He started with it full of eagerness and wanting to succeed. The boss was a good family friend. He was really good at it until he wasn't. He eventually got fired. It took about a month to find something new. He stayed with that job until now when he called me cheerful that they decided to part ways and everything would be okay. I asked what happened and he didn't go into details. We're behind on bills. We have two kids this time around. All throughout our marriage, I've changed my job twice. I had the same job for eight years and switched to a better opportunity. And then I got promoted five months ago. And I'm getting another promotion in a month. I'm mentally drained by this. Every time I get us caught up, he gets fired, and then we are on the verge of foreclosure. My job pays well, but now we have an extra car and daycare to pay. I know he struggles through depression, anxiety, and I believe he's autistic. But man, this is hard for me. He says I'm not supportive. You're not supportive. He says I always reflect on him losing his job to when he was unemployed for over a year. And maybe I do. It's terrifying to me to think that I'm doing that again. I'm scarred from it. He spends the majority of his time in the bedroom, either sleeping or scrolling on his phone. I do the cooking, cleaning, and drop-offs. I'm the one who helps with the homework, daycare activities, and sports. I can't do this anymore, but I love him. Should I just cut my losses because your marriage is just like a business deal? Move myself and the kids back home to my parents and start over. I'm 31. I'd feel like a failure. I don't want my kids to be in a split household. But when do I get to think of my needs? I'm tired of struggling. Too long didn't read. Is it wrong to think of leaving my marriage because my husband can't keep a job?

Commitment Versus Conditional Love

SPEAKER_00 18:27

Yes. It is wrong to think of leaving your marriage because your husband can't keep a job. On a very macro scale, if we zoom back from this, you are saying because my husband can't provide enough for me, I want to leave so that I can have full control of my money and my future. When you got married, maybe your vows were different than mine, but in my vows, I said, till death do us part. Till death, not till job loss, not till foreclosure, not till bankruptcy, till death do us part. And listen, I understand how you feel. My husband has also switched jobs a lot. He he doesn't have a normal job now, even. When he left the military, he was out of work for two years. Two years. I have been the main income provider for the majority of my marriage. Is it a lot? Yes. Is it is it a lot of burden to carry? Absolutely. But here's what I can tell you. My husband hates that. He hates that I am the main income earner in our home. He wants to provide. And the times that our marriage has been the worst is when I have in my heart and head tried to feel like I was better than him because I had a stable job and he didn't. He wants to be a provider. He wants to support. And when you left him, you left him after he was fired the first time. What you told him was my love for you is conditional on what you're able to do for me, on the money that you're able to bring into our household. And that's not commitment. It's just not. It's not supportive, it breaks intimacy and trust. So it is no wonder that your husband is continuing to be stuck in these cycles because he feels like your love for him is equal to the work and output he is able to do for you. And it's too much pressure on him. What he needs from you is unconditional love and support for him to know that even if he doesn't bring in a bigger paycheck than you, that you are gonna love him and be there for him no matter what. And that you're not gonna hold that over his head. That was a huge game changer in my own relationship. And my husband, now he does bring in money. Uh, it's just in a different way. It's like real estate investing and things like that that he does. So he still doesn't have like a normal job he goes to. And it took him some time. He was depressed. He did have um like a bit of a midlife crisis when he got out of the military and didn't know what to do with himself. But the more I pushed, the worse it got for him. It wasn't until I just totally supported him, whatever that looked like, and and really like stuck to the commitment till death do us part through for richer or for poorer in sickness and in health. All of those things, I meant them when I said them. And so we endured. And now he is back in school. He's getting his uh like private, or he's becoming a current commercial airline pilot, which is a dream he never would have been able to move towards if I had kept berating him and making him feel bad. Men want to be the provider. And part of the reason that you're struggling is because society tells you that you should be attracted to a man who earns more than you, who brings in more than you, who is more of a provider than you. And your attraction to him is shifting because you've seen him struggling, you've seen him get fired and those things. And so people are judging him, and you're allowing people's judgments of him to impact your judgment of him. Love is a choice. It is a choice you make on a daily basis to be there, to be committed, to make decisions that are best for the family and the future of your family, not just for you. I just can't imagine you having to look at your kids when they're 21 years old and having to say, I divorced your dad because he wasn't making enough. Sorry, you had to grow up in two households and have a broken home. Hate that for you. But I wanted to be in control of the money. Money is fleeting. Money doesn't matter. Please just try and focus on your family and how you can help support your husband, help get him through this time of depression. But it's not going to be about making him feel worse about himself. It has to be in supporting in sickness and in health till death do us

Closing Thoughts And Next Steps

SPEAKER_00 23:03

part. Hey, if you enjoyed this, leave a like, leave a comment, maybe share it with someone. I'd love to know if you want to see more videos like this. Also, you probably heard me say in the middle about our seven step process of saving marriages. I actually recorded an entire masterclass video on that recently. I'm gonna link to that in the description below. Go and watch that video next.