What To Do When You're Stuck In A Sexless Marriage

You think it's a sex problem.

Most of the time, it isn't.

When the spark is gone and one of you is always "too tired," the instinct is to fix the bedroom. Buy something. Try harder. Schedule it. But the bedroom is almost never where the problem started.

Up to a third of couples are living in what researchers call low-sex or no-sex marriages. You are not broken. You are not the only ones. And you are not stuck.

Here's the part nobody tells you.

A fatigued woman cannot get aroused. That isn't an attitude problem. It's physiology. So if she's running on empty all day and you're waiting for her to come alive at night, you're working against her body, not with it.

Real intimacy is "into-me-see." It's what happens when the relationship outside the bedroom is healthy enough to follow you into it. Everything outside affects everything inside. And everything inside affects everything outside.

This video walks through what's actually driving the distance. The exhaustion. The resentment. The slow drift where your passion quietly moved toward the kids, the job, the to-do list, and away from each other.

It also covers what this won't fix. Physiological issues need a doctor. Past trauma needs a trained counselor. Those are real, and they matter.

But if the problem is the relationship itself, that's the good news.

Because that's the part you can actually change.

If you're struggling in your marriage, don’t wait. Get our FREE resource: The 7 Steps to Rescue Your Marriage 👉 https://marriagehelper.com/free

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Transcript

A Caller Wants More Sex

SPEAKER_00 0:00

A few years ago, I used to go in a rock and roll station here in Nashville, Tennessee with Woody and Jim in the morning, and I'd answer relationship questions in between the rock and roll that they played. And this funny guy called in and said, Hey, my wife is always too tired to have sex. At least that's what she says, and I'm miserable, and I need you to tell me how I can have more sex in my marriage. So I asked him a couple of questions. I said, So tell me about your home life. Does your wife work outside the home? No, she's a homemaker. Do you have any children? We have three children under five. And so she takes care of them all day? Yes. And when you get home, she says she's tired, but you don't believe her. He said, That's right. I said, okay, here's my question. Do you really want to ever have sex again? He said, Yes. I said, okay, I'm gonna teach you how to do it. And I'll tell you what I told him in just a few minutes. I'm sorry that you're having some kind of sexual difficulty. I know that's why you're watching this, and I'm sorry that's happening. I'm Dr. Joe Beam, by the way. And as I earned my PhD from University of Sydney, which is this prestigious university in Australia, part of what I studied was sex. And particularly and specifically in the area of sexual satisfaction. And after that, I taught for eight years at a local university here in Nashville, where I taught human sexuality for eight years. So I know a little bit about sex, but more than that, I think I can help you with your sex life, although I may not answer all your questions in just 15 minutes or so.

Sexless Marriage Stats And Hope

SPEAKER_00 1:33

Now, if you're thinking, well, we're the only ones that have the problem, no. Several years ago, under the auspices of the University of Chicago, a nationwide study was done. It was done so very well. And in the nationwide study, studying married couples between the ages of 15 and 59. Yeah, I know 15 sounds young, but between the ages of 15 and 59, they found that one out of five married couples in America, in that age range, 15 to 59, were having sex less than once a month. As a matter of fact, 10 times or less per year. And those are called no sex marriages. Another 15% were having sex between 11 and 25 times a year, so twice a month or less. And those were called low sex marriages. And so 35% of the marriages in America, and we're not talking about octogenarians, I mean 59 is not very old, and 35% of them are having sex less than twice a month, and most of them less than once a month? Well, I know that doesn't make you feel better. It's not solving whatever issue you have, but I'm letting you know that you're not alone. Up to a third of women report some kind of sexual difficulty. Now, when

When It Is A Medical Problem

SPEAKER_00 2:45

we start looking into this, let me tell you what I can't help you with as we get started here. If the problem is physiological, for example, if the wife has vaginismus, let me describe that in a way that's not technical. Vaginismus, and this is the leg language, vaginismus is like having a Charlie horse inside the vagina, which prevents PVI. PVI is what we talk about in sexology. PVI is penile vaginal intercourse. And of course, if she's having those kind of cramps inside her vagina, that's not going to happen. There can also be erectile dysfunction. And many men suffer from that for many different kinds of reasons. Believe it or not, as a man gets older, and you're not going to want to hear this, if he's not regularly having erections, his penis will actually get smaller. You say, why? Because that tissue inside of it that engorges with blood, which causes the erection, which gives the circumference or the volume of the penis in terms of width and also in terms of length, those tissues begin to die. Men, if you wake up in the morning or sometimes wake up in the night and you find that you have an erection that's happening during your rim sleep, rapid eye movement sleep, and what it's doing is it's keeping blood going to your penis so that it will continue to function as it should. And as you get older, sometimes that will stop. And when that stops, those tissues begin to die. And as they die, the length of your penis gets smaller, the width of your penis gets smaller, and they can become very small. Now I'm not trying to scare you. I'm just saying that you need to be having sex. You need to be having erections, guys. But sometimes a physiological reason would be, well, the man has not been using it because his wife's not been interested in it, and he was not masturbating on his own, and he stopped having the erections in RIMI and REM sleep, and so now what's happening is that he can't do uh PVI, penile vaginal, and of course, because perhaps he's now got a belly and the penis is smaller, and and maybe she's gotten a little bigger, and and so there are physiological reasons that I can't help you with. But if you heard what I was just saying, trust me. You want to continue to be as orgasmic, both males and females, as long as you possibly can, because there are all kinds of things you can avoid physiologically if you continue to be sexually active. And by that I mean probably as much as two to three orgasms a week, both her and him. Now there's all kinds of health benefits to that. I don't have time to give you here, except to say that if you have a physiological reason, you're gonna need to go to a medical doctor, uh, gynecologist, obstetrician, a urologist, you're gonna need somebody who can help you with these things. And gentlemen, prostate cancer can enter into this too, so make sure you have your PSA checked. And so if you need physiological help because of him or her, go get a professional help you with that. That's in the medical profession. I can't help you with that. Now,

Trauma And Why Quick Fixes Fail

SPEAKER_00 5:47

here's another thing that can sometimes cause sexual problems, and that's trauma. Perhaps he or she were was molested in in childhood or in the teenage years, and and the visions you have of sex, the emotions you have connected to sex, are pretty traumatic in the sense that that you don't want to relive those memories, and yet when you get touched on your breast or your your clitters, your vagina, anywhere on your body, you begin to have those memories come back. And if that's the case, then you will need also some help to get past that. One couple I know, they went to a good man at their church, and he meant to help, and he said to her, Now here's how you fix that. Now she'd been abused as a child. He said, Here's how you fix that. You just get in a warm tub, bubble bath, light some candles, and then you masturbate and you'll be okay. He meant well. Sometimes you have to have help from professionals who can help you deal with the trauma. Because I know a couple, both very intelligent people. Physician married to a pharmacist, and and they'd been married probably 30 years before she finally opened up and told him that she'd been molested sexually as a child. He said, Ah, no wonder we've had such problems. If you had told me that years ago, we could have found the help to deal with this, and and I've been pushing you and chastising you and aggravating you because you didn't want to have sex, and now I feel like a crud because I can imagine what you were feeling. Let's find the help we need to deal with that now. So if it's traumatic, get professional help, a good counselor or therapist, somebody who knows what he or she's doing. If it's physiological, get medical help. But here's what I can help you with.

Attraction Basics And Self Care

SPEAKER_00 7:33

The kind of thing I helped the young man with when he called into me on the Woody and Jim show. You see, most sex problems are not physiological, and they're not from past trauma. Most sexual problems in marriages have to do with what's going on in the relationship itself. Now, we have an acronym we teach here at Marriage Halbert called PIS, physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual. B-I-E-S, physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual. And you do understand that sexual attraction has a lot to do with physicality. And so if you want to be more sexually attractive to your spouse, take care of your body as best you can at your age and situation in life. You don't have to try to be 21 again unless you are 21. Otherwise, you just do the best you can. And so you make yourself as physically attractive. You say, oh, then you're saying I have to be thin for my spouse to want to have sex with me. Possible. And I'm not trying to put you down. I'm not body shaming here. You understand that research I did to the auspices of the University of Sydney, when I was asking married couples, what has significantly reduced your sexual attraction to your spouse? The number one reason men gay was the weight gain of their wives. Now I'm not trying to put you down. And if you have a physical problem where you can't deal with that weight, you can't handle it, that kind of stuff, and therefore you're going to be big, then be big. But if you can deal with those things, then you should, because it can help you be, it can help you be more physically attractive. Oh, by the way, in a similar way, I the women who responded to that, and by the way, more women answered that question than men. When I said what has significantly reduced your sexual attraction to your spouse, the number one answer they gave in when it comes to physical things would be hygiene. He doesn't take care of himself. He doesn't bathe as much as he should. He's still wearing underwear from the Carter administration. Teach him how to take care of himself physically. But I don't want to get onto that and stay on that because I myself struggle with the weight, and that's why I'm not body shaming anyone. But I'm saying that physiologically you take care of yourself as best you can. If you can, you do that. But it's really a lot more than that.

Thinking Sexy Without Pushing

SPEAKER_00 9:52

It's about thinking sexy. You say, what do you mean? I was actually doing a marriage workshop for a big old church up in Cincinnati. I mean, this church had like 20,000 people attending there. And this marriage workshop I did for them, or seminar I did for them, had about maybe 500 people in it, something like that. And a young lady walked in late with her husband, and every man in that room turned and stared at her. Every woman did too. And the guy with me looked at me and said, That's the sexiest woman I've ever seen in my life. Now, she was obese by any standard. She was. But she knew how to dress. And confidence, not cockiness, not arrogance. Nobody likes a snob. But but the confidence she had in herself as a woman, as a sexual being, as well as being a woman. So it's not just how thin you can get. It's knowing how to dress, how to present your body, how to accent the parts that you want to accent, and maybe kind of disguise the parts you don't want to accent. But it's a matter of thinking sexy. I was on a national talk show once. It was in New York. They had a live audience. And it's not my fault. The host asked me a question he shouldn't have asked me. Well, actually, he didn't ask it. He went into the audience. And he said, Does anybody have a question for Dr. Beam about sex? Because he was interviewing me about sex on this national program. And lo and behold, a lady in the audience said, I can't get my husband interested in sex. Do you have a simple suggestion? You understand that on a national television program with limited time, and he has other guests that are coming on, I have a very limited time to give an answer. And here's what I said: Start without him. The audience applauded and cheered. The host almost swallowed his microphone. It was like, oh my goodness, what did he just do with my program? And you say, What was the point? Understand this that the more aroused a spouse gets, the more likely it is that the other spouse becomes aroused. Even if you're making love, the more aroused you get during the process actually makes your spouse more aroused during the process. And so when I told her to start without him, it was do some sexual things, start becoming sexual yourself. Obviously, that meant touching yourself, etc. And what would most likely happen is that he then would respond to that because that's the way we're built, that he would see her becoming aroused, excited, and that would begin to make him become aroused and excited. Therefore, it really was a legitimate answer. And so I'm thinking think sexually, but don't push things. In other words, if you try to do everything by mentioning sex, that if you're eating something, somehow you make a sexual innuendo about it. If you see something as you're driving down the road, you make a sexual innuendo about it. Unless your spouse is really into that and likes those things and sees some funny and arousing and those kinds of things, you better not do that. Because after a while it'll be like, you don't care about me. All you think about is sex. And by the way, that's not always the guy. I've had many situations I've dealt with where that's been the woman. No, it's got to be about the relationship. The relationship is the most important thing. And that's why when I did that survey, other than talking about a man's hygiene, oh, interestingly, here's another one. Many women said I'm no longer sexually attracted to my spouse because he's not very good in bed. He's not a very good lover. Now I don't have time here to teach you how to do sexual techniques. Okay? I just can't do that for you right here. I don't have time, and this is not the place. But I'm telling you, gentlemen, that sometimes you need some education that just automatically thinking you know how is not correct. There are certain things that turn women on, certain things that turn women off. And learning how to be the man with the slow hand. Conway Twitty sang about that many, many years ago. The Pointer Sisters sang about it since then. Knowing how to take your time

Intimacy Outside The Bedroom

SPEAKER_00 13:57

and to genuinely make love. But the key, the number one reason that women said I'm no longer sexually attracted to my spouse was about the relationship itself. Like we have stress between the two of us. We're not getting along. We don't have true intimacy. You say, intimacy, isn't that what sex is? We use that word for sex, but here's what it really means. Into me. See. My early mentor, way back a long time ago, said everything that happens outside the bedroom affects what happens inside the bedroom. And everything that happens inside the bedroom affects what happens outside the bedroom. Gentlemen and ladies, the same for you. If you want to enhance your sex lives, don't allow yourself to become too busy with the children, too busy with the housework, too busy with whatever is going on at the office, too busy with the sports, hobbies, whatever else it might be, that you let your relationship move into second place. Because when it does, your passion will move toward what you have in first place. And so there are children whose passion, not in some evil way, but whose passion have changed from the husband to the children. Passion, I want to please you and be with you and enjoy you, becomes I want to make them happy. Now I'm not talking about sexual passion toward the children, you understand, but the passion that was here now goes there. Men do it with businesses all the time. Women can do it with their housework, women can do it with businesses. You understand? I'm not being sexist about this. And now, now let me get back to what I told the young man. When he said,

Fatigue Kills Arousal So Help

SPEAKER_00 15:41

You need to tell me what to do to get her to straighten out. And I said, Listen, if you ever want to have sex with your wife again, actually it was a rock and roll station. I used a little bit more direct language. I said, if if you ever want to get laid, in other words, PVI, you know, vaginal intercourse, not just touching each other, but full-fledged intercourse as we talk about it in sexology. Understand that when you get home, she's exhausted. And so why don't you help bathe the kids? Why don't you help put them to bed? He said, That's woman's work. I said, if that's the way you see it, you can do it that way. If that's the way she sees it, you both can do it that way. But forget about your sex life, because here's something we know physiologically about women that doesn't have to have a medical personnel to help. When women get fatigued, it's almost impossible for them to become aroused. And so here she is, exhausted, she's tired, and you want her to get turned on and want to go to bed with you. It's physiologically impossible for her to do that. And she may try and give it her best shot, but you won't like it because she won't really get into it in all likelihood. Now she may occasionally, but most of the time, no. So I said, if you want to make love to your wife, you've got to help her with that fatigue. You see, there's a lot more to this. Now, what can I help you with? Understand some of the basics, like fatigued women can't get aroused. I understand some of the basics about erections and those kinds of things. But I can't help you with true physiological problems like erectile dysfunction or baginess. And I can't help you with the trauma from your past. You need somebody who is well trained in that. But I can teach you about how to overcome the minor problems like hygiene, and believe it or not, I'm calling being a little overweight a minor problem in this scheme of things. Only if I can help you overcome the intimacy problems, because that's when you learn how to do all the other the into me see problems, the relationship problems. And if you want to have better sex, most couples will find their sex life revolutionized just by that. I spent one whole Saturday in Houston teaching about these kinds of things, but mostly about the relationship, just a little about sex, mostly about the relationships. I was going to go back to the same group the next day to finish up the seminar I was doing. A lady walked in the next morning, walk up to me, and she was 30-ish. She was smiling from ear to ear, and she said, Last night was the best night of my life. I said, Really? No, I didn't ask her what they did exactly. It wasn't my business, and I'm not a pervert. She said, not only was the sex amazing, the emotional contact where they had each other, not only was the sex amazing, but the emotional contact with each other was beyond anything we'd ever had before. I can teach you how to do that.

A Better Night Through Connection

SPEAKER_00 18:40

Now, if you want to know more, and you see the little video in the corner over there. If you click that, we can teach you more about how to not be stuck in a sex life you're unhappy with, even if one of you wants to have sex a lot and the other really have sex at all. Even with that. Click that link.