How to Get Your Spouse to ACTUALLY Talk to You Again

What to do in the first 72 hours after your marriage crisis: Watch Here 👉 https://bit.ly/4wgrNiq

Most conversations with your spouse aren't going anywhere.

They're stale. They're tense. Or they've stopped happening altogether.

Every time you try to talk, it turns into the same fight. You go in circles. And somehow you land worse than where you started.

Here's the shift: stop circling. Start looping.

A circle erases. Every fight burns down whatever progress you made and resets you to zero. Sometimes below zero.

A loop builds. You lay one track, you save it, you build on it. Layer by layer, day by day, until you look up and it's a real marriage again.

In this video, I'll show you how to do it. The first track you always lay down (hint: it's not the problem you think you need to solve). How to bank a win instead of tearing it back down with your very next sentence. And the six loops you move through in order, because you don't get to pick where you start. You earn your way up.

Same couple. Same conversation. Two completely different outcomes.

I'm Dr. Kimberly Beam Holmes, and for 14 years I've helped people save marriages everyone else said were over.

If you're tired of having the same fight on repeat, this is where you start.

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Transcript

When Talks Turn Into Fights

SPEAKER_00 0:00

The problem is, most conversations you're having with your spouse are stale, contentious, or totally non-existent. You've stopped talking because every time you do, you fight. And you end up feeling worse than before. You go in circles. In this video, I'm going to teach you how to do it differently. Instead of going in circles, rehashing the same old thing, instead, you can loop. Let me explain. If we haven't met, I'm Dr. Kimberly Beam Holmes, and for 14 years, I've helped people save marriages that everyone else said was over. And I'm going to teach you some of the same conversation tactics that I have taught them.

Help For A Marriage Crisis

SPEAKER_00 0:40

Also, there's a free lead magnet that's in the show notes that you can get called the first 72 hours. It's what you need to start doing now if you're in the middle of a marriage crisis. But let's get back to circles versus

The Loop Pedal Metaphor

SPEAKER_00 0:52

loops. Okay, so here's the thing. This past weekend, me and my family, we went to go see Ed Sheeran. He is an incredible musician. Maybe you know some of his songs, perfect, photograph, all of the things. But one thing that makes Ed such an amazing performer is that he builds his music live. No band, just him, with something that he calls a loop pedal. It's something that's kind of a little bit like this. Not quite. I'm not Ed Sheeran. I'm not talented like him, so this isn't exactly what he has. But he will start by putting down a beat, he'll record it, he'll save that, and then he will build the next thing. He'll start building melodies, he'll put in harmonies, he'll begin singing into it. And every single time he's recording it and saving it, he's building the song. So he doesn't just go in circles doing the same thing over and over. Instead, he loops. He records one thing, he saves it. He records a second thing on top of it, he saves it. Harmony, guitar, piano, all of it. And at the end, it's a full masterpiece. So instead of going in circles,

Why Circles Reset Your Progress

SPEAKER_00 2:03

he builds. And I'm gonna teach you how to do that in the broken communication that you currently have with your spouse. So instead of going in circles where you get just stuck and you're staying in the same place, you're looping and you build. Because right now, most of you are communicating the old way. It's noise. Everything is coming out at once. You're trying to fix the whole marriage in one conversation. Also, there's no clear goal. And if there is a goal, it's a self-centered one. It's because you want to be right or you want them to hear you. You want them to get it. And you're doing it fast and you're doing it hurried. And you just try it once. And when it doesn't work, you decide it's broken. So you quit. That's circles. The same note every time, going nowhere. The new way is loops. You master one thing and then you build on it. Your goal is something pleasant for the listener. Ed Sheeran's songs are for the audience. Your conversation is for your spouse, not for the win. It's being thoughtful and patient, and it's letting every layer settle before you go to the next. You need to think of it like a skill you're building, not a pass or fail test. A circle erases. A loop builds. When you go in circles, every fight burns down whatever progress you made before it, and you end up resetting to zero. And sometimes, honestly, you end up going below zero because more harm was done in that conversation. But when you loop, you keep building on what worked. It's like this, it's like a circle. It's just the same thing over and over. But a loop has momentum. So here's how you actually do it.

Lay One Track Then Save Wins

SPEAKER_00 3:49

The first thing you do is you lay one track. Stop trying to record the whole song at once. Those are bad habits that you have to break. It's one conversation and one layer. And here's the part that everyone gets wrong. Your first track, the first thing you want to lay down, is always the same thing. It's not the problem that you're trying to solve. You don't go in saying we need to talk about the kids or the bills. It's not the budget. It's not the in-laws, it's not who said what. Your first track that you need to put down is just this. Them feeling heard. Because on a loot machine, if your bass track is off beat, then every single thing that you stack on top of that is ruined. You need a solid beat underneath the whole song. It doesn't matter how good the harmonies are if the foundation underneath it is wrong. It's the same with your marriage. If the bass layer is, I need to win this, then everything that you try and say after that is going to fall short. It's going to fall on deaf ears. You're going to be tuned out. So the first track you lay down every time is making sure your spouse feels heard. That's it. That's the whole goal for the conversation. And I'm going to tell you how to do that in just a minute. But here's the second thing you're going to do. After you build that bottom layer, is you're going to save it. When you get a win, and it'll be small, they soften a little bit, they share one hard thing that happened, they open up just a tiny bit, they agree with you on one tiny point, you're going to lock that in. Like you're thinking out loud. You say this, I'm really glad that we talked about that. Or you say, That actually helped me understand you better. Thank you for sharing that. Or thank you for compromising with me on that one point. And then you stop. You don't push for any more. You don't say, okay, good. Now while we're at it, let's iron out everything else that we need to figure out. No, you banked the win, you saved the track, you're done for now. This is the move and the thing that you need to do that separates loopers that have forward momentum from people who just circle. Circlers never save. They get a good moment and immediately tear it back down with the next sentence that they have. But loopers protect it and get to move number three, which is build on it. So then the next conversation, you're not starting from zero. You start from where you left off, that win, that connection point you had. And then you're just gonna add one new layer. This is what makes the process perfect. You had good connection last time, great. That track is still playing. There's still that beat underneath your communication. Now you add a little problem solving on top of that. Then when that works, you save that too. And layer by layer, over days and weeks, you're not having the same fight on repeat. You're building something. And one day you look up and realize it's a full song. It's a real marriage again. One where you're actually able to talk to each other without fighting, where you're problem solving together and where you're getting things done. So that's the underlying premise. Now

The Six Loops That Rebuild Trust

SPEAKER_00 7:10

we're gonna talk about what are the layers that you need to build? What is what is it that you need to do first, second, third, fourth? Because you might be thinking, okay, I got it. They need to listen. That's communication 101. Everyone knows that. Everyone knows it, but most people aren't doing it. But what do you do next? This is the order. And the order is important because every layer builds based on what's happened before it. And like we said, you build with the strongest foundations first, just like the loop machine. If you have bad beat underneath, everything you stack on top of that beat doesn't make sense. It's going to hurt to hear. So the first thing you want to do is that they feel heard, that they talk, that you listen. You're not trying to solve anything. That's what we just covered. That's loop number one. Loop number two is they feel heard again. This is the one that most people end up skipping right over. One good conversation isn't a loop. It could possibly be a fluke. You've got to lay this track a few times before you know that it's actually locked in. Because here's what your spouse is likely doing. They are watching to see if this is the new you or if this is a one-time thing. Trust gets built by repetition, not by one good conversation. So you need to consistently show you're listening. Loop three. Now, this is where your voice finally comes in. Now, I want to pause here because most people, when they hear me say this, they say, at what point do I get to be heard? Why do I need to be the one putting in all of this time, all of this effort, all of this trial and tribulation to try and get my spouse to listen to me? Why should I listen to them if they aren't listening to me? And here's honestly all I have to say back to that. Communication, it does take two people, but it has to start with one. And if you're in the mindset right now where you're saying, why does this all have to be on me? I get it. I do get it. But at some point, we just have to grow up and say, we do it because we love our spouse and we want this marriage to work. And if that means that I need to go through some hard stuff right now and it's gonna feel like it's all on me, I'm willing to do that because I said until death do us part. And you don't live in that. If you live in that shame and pity party that you're gonna throw for yourself, you're not gonna end up making any progress. And the progress is what needs to happen here. You need to remove that negative mindset in order for you to actually do this and do it well. Because if you're having a bad day, if you have negative thoughts going through your head, that's gonna seep out in the conversation that you're having. So put it to the side for now. I'm not saying that that doesn't matter. I'm not saying that it's not hard. It is, but if you live in that, you're gonna stay stuck exactly where you are. So now we're going to loop three, where your voice comes in. Finally, there's room for you. It's not that the room wasn't there before, but this is where you can finally share a feeling that you own, not an accusation that you throw because you've built trust by listening. So you can say, here's how I've been feeling lately. Don't say, here's what you did to me. But this is what I've been wrestling with and processing. If you try and do this layer too early, where you try and get your spouse to listen to you before they feel safe, it's gonna ruin the whole thing. Then you go to loop four. You find the we, the one thing you both want. This is where you stop being opponents and enemies and you start being teammates again, an A team. It doesn't have to be huge, it can just be something simple. We both want the kids to stop see us fighting. That counts, that's something. You find something you can agree on. And then loop five, you solve a small thing together. You don't solve your marriage, one small thing. It's proof that you can function as that A team again. And again, you bank that win when it happens, and then you stop. But then there's a final loop, which is loop six, which is bringing back the warmth, the appreciation, the lightness, the fun, where there's zero conflict and it's purely positive. Most couples have nothing but problem solving left and they've forgotten that this layer of just having fun and being together even exists. That's the key you want to get to. But it's only after you go through all of the things before it that you can get to where you feel safe enough to have fun with each other again without blowing the whole thing up. Because now you have a foundation strong enough to hold it. And here is the part that I want to make sure that you understand. You don't get to pick which part of the loop cycle you're on. You can't say, well, I just want to start here. No, you have to earn your way up. Trying to problem solve while they still don't feel heard, that's not looping. That's the circle, the never-ending circle. And that's the exact mistake that you have been making.

A Circle Talk Versus A Loop Talk

SPEAKER_00 12:19

So let me show you the difference. This is the circle version of an example. You saying to your spouse, we never spend time together anymore. Or you saying, and then your spouse saying back to you, Are you serious? I asked you if you wanted to do something last Friday, and you're the one who said no. Because you only want to do what you want to do. And you're off. You're you're talking in circles now. You're not getting to the core issue, no one's being heard, and 20 minutes later, everything is worse than when you started. That's the circle. But here is the loop. You saying to your spouse, I've been missing spending time with you lately. What has your week felt like? Help me understand what's been going on in your life lately. And then you listen. And then they actually answer because they don't feel defensive, like you're attacking them. And then after they share with you, you say, Man, that sounds like a lot. I'm really glad you told me that. And you're working your way up. And you stop there. You save the track. That's when your communication gets to the point where everything has changed for good. The same couple having a same conversation. I want to spend time with you. You approach it in two T in two totally different ways. One goes in circles, and another one is laid on a foundation that can be built on top of. So

Final Takeaway And Next Steps

SPEAKER_00 13:49

what's the takeaway? Don't go in circles. Loop. Lay one track with them feeling heard. Save it by protecting the win and then build on it. Adding one layer at a time, earning your way up until you get to share how you feel. You start attacking small problems together. And then, of course, you get to where you're having fun again. You don't get to pick which loop you're on. You earn it by moving up. And if you're trying to get your spouse to solve problems with you before they actually feel heard, you're not gonna loop. You're not gonna make forward progress. You're just gonna keep circling. This is what will end up making a difference for you and your spouse to where they'll actually wanna listen to you. They won't just say, I don't care all the time. They'll actually be eager to have a conversation with you. And you're gonna have a picture-perfect marriage. Maybe not, but it'll definitely be better than what it is now. But here's the thing: if you're listening to this and you're saying, I get that, but man, our marriage is really struggling. I have a full video I did called The Ultimate Guide to Saving Your Marriage. Communication is an important part to every relationship, but there's a lot of other areas of life that impact marriage that you need to understand. So, in this full video, I'll link to it in the show notes below, go and watch that next. It's really going to help you understand how love is built, how love can be completely shattered, and how you can rebuild it, even if you're the only one trying right now. Watch that video next.