Bloggers & Friends Podcast X Tigest Beyene: Almost Real

A book can be a confession, a shield, and a doorway all at once and Tigest Beyene knows that firsthand. She’s back with me on Bloggers and Friends to talk about her second book, “Almost Real,” a love story that lives in the space between fantasy and truth. After sharing the world of “Love, Sex, and Sorrow” and releasing the documentary “Walk by Faith,” she’s now writing from a new place: more open, more curious, and more willing to name the feelings we usually keep locked up.

We get into what “Almost Real” is really doing on the page: capturing emotional reality, imagining what love could look like when it’s safe, and letting a plot twist carry the weight of hope. Tigest breaks down her writing process, how she tests her work with trusted readers, and why she focuses less on physical description and more on how a person feels, communicates, and shows up. If you care about contemporary romance, Black love, healing through storytelling, and the courage it takes to be seen, you’ll hear those threads in every part of this conversation.

Then we go wider into the real life lessons the book invites, like dating with intention, the difference between “hanging out” and an actual date, and why daytime dates can reveal what nighttime vibes hide. We also talk rest, grind culture, and redefining success in a way that fits your life instead of social media’s timeline. And we end on something I think we need more of: masculinity that includes sensitivity, plus relationships that feel like safe spaces instead of battlegrounds.

Listen now, share this with a friend who loves real talk about love and growth, and subscribe so you don’t miss what we’re building here. If the episode hits you, leave a review and tell us what “Almost Real” means to you.

Transcript

Welcome And Why We Gather

SPEAKER_03 0:03

Hey y'all, I'm Janelle Yarbrough and welcome to Bloggers and Friends. This is your podcast for discussions around relevant topics and experiences that resonate with the culture. For those of you who roll with me, you know we talk a lot about embracing the possibility of change. We'll continue to touch on that and lots more. Sound good? Work. Let's get into it. Hey y'all. We are here today with another episode. And we are excited to have a guest, which I'm gonna now call because it's your second time. So I'm gonna call you a friend to the podcast. Last time you were on, you had a new project that you were talking about, and um we were able to touch on your book. And uh today we're here to talk about some new things. So if you didn't get to hear the last episode that we did with Tegas, please be sure to go back and listen to that so you can be uh caught up and brought up to speed on the things that we might be talking about today. But we have um uh author, um, documentarian to guest DNA joining us again on the show. Um, so welcome. We are excited to have you today and to

Bringing Back Author Tiggis BNA

SPEAKER_03 1:28

hear about uh your new endeavors. So thank you for joining us.

SPEAKER_02 1:32

Yeah, thank you. This is fun. Last time we had a good time with lots of laugh always with you.

SPEAKER_03 1:38

We did, we did. I re-listened to it the other day and I was just tickled, just giggling. It was a good time for sure. So your first book that you released was Love, Sex, and Sorrow. Um, the documentary that you released um was called Walk by Faith. And um, and now you're joining us today with a new project.

SPEAKER_02 2:00

Yeah, it's my second book called Almost Real. And it has a little twist at the end. So it is kind of like the aftermath little bit, but I didn't make it so like um how would I say it? The first book was very like therapeutic, and I was really pouring out certain things, and I left a lot of things out um because I was just scared, obviously. And then with the documentaries about about my life with the book, so it kind of tied in, but this one is kind of like um a fantasy of like my my thoughts of like what if this is actually real about like love or just in general. Um, so it does have a little twist in it, does have a lot of real feelings and thoughts that um I I have that I don't really talk about.

The True Story Behind Book One

SPEAKER_03 2:54

Yeah, so so for folks who may be listening to this before they listen to the first podcast that we did, um, can you tell them a little bit about the first book, Love Sex is the first book is based on a true event um that happened to me about maybe 15 years ago now.

SPEAKER_02 3:13

At the time when I wrote it, it was very recent. Well, a couple years, maybe like five, six years, but um pretty much tragic of me being um shot by my ex fiance, and then I started to pretty much pick up my life again with telling a story. Um, but the story ends up being about a whole bunch of people and me meeting different people and how I end up um being in that situation. Um and then came the the documentary about it because it was kind of like a big thing in Seattle, so yeah, which I didn't realize that until later. But I mean our community is so it's like big and small at the same time. So some people know, or some people will be like, oh, I saw that, or you know, they seen an article or something, so then we just made it into a self-documentary, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 4:13

And the documentary, I remember us um talking about it in the the the podcast that we did was was shortly after it had released. Yeah. I remember um at that time um you were saying it still doesn't feel real, like yeah there was so much work gone that had gone into the documentary and then into putting on um the release of the documentary, and I remember you talking about um it hadn't settled with you yet. You're just like yeah, that that had happened. So how has the documentary now that it's been released and it's been a while, um how has um how has that prod uh project settled in your spirit?

Documentary Aftermath And Closure

SPEAKER_02 4:56

Um I could say that oh I did one, like if somebody asks me, like, you know, so you did that? Yeah, I'm like, boom, okay, I did that. It's it's weird because I think I'll see people like friends who like um, you know, who wants to get into directing or producing and they're like, I just want to do a documentary. I'm like, oh, I did one. And it's kind of like there's a lot to it. Like at first, you know, you look at it, it's it's a lot of it's a lot of political things too, and a lot of technical things, and you really gotta like put your foot down and have a voice. I think now that it's been like I I want to say maybe two years, it's still sometimes um people will bring it up to me or they seen it, um, or they want to hear about it. Once they see this book, they're like, oh, I Googled you, and this came up. And I'm like, Yep, I did that. But it's it's still bittersweet, like, you know, that is out there.

SPEAKER_03 5:52

Does it feel like it was closing a chapter or maybe getting closure to a chapter, or or did that feel like it's just another layer of the the healing process through that chapter?

SPEAKER_02 6:06

Yeah, I think it the healing got closed up. I'm like, okay, cool. Um, I think it got me started and like, okay, I could really do some stuff. Like, I'm not as doubtful. So I'm very like, okay, I know I could do it. So it gave you like weird confidence. Yeah, just a little bit. Cause I'm a little, you know, I'm a little off sometimes. So I'm just I don't know. Like not a little understanding sometimes when I talk, you know. And then, you know, I have humor a lot with it. And they things like, How are you like this? And I'm just like, Well, I'm not gonna sit and cry.

SPEAKER_03 6:39

Yeah, you know, yeah, that's part so so I think about that way with art. My background is in the performing arts, and so like you get to do your version of the storytelling, it's almost claiming it versus allowing somebody else to own those feelings and emotions. Um, and so the way that you're able to express yourself might not be in like the breakdown crying or the words or the conversations with people all the time. It might be through your art. And and it sounds like your writing it is is your art, right? And that documentary was an extension of it, but that the that book might have been like your way of communicating and talking about it without it being these small conversations, even though I know you had a village of uh of folks around you, you know, but um, you know, you are the one who understands you um in that scenario. Yep, yep, I agree.

SPEAKER_02 7:38

I think it's like that. I think however you feel like expressing it. Some people think, you know, when you're quiet or don't talk about it, like you're going through it tough. And it's like, no, I'm not. Like I'm just chilling.

SPEAKER_03 7:48

Yeah, and I'm a goofball too. And so sometimes I can like, you know, things that are hard to talk about, I can talk about them and they're hard to talk about. And sometimes I might be emotional. And then I also there's gonna be humor in there somewhere at some point in time because that's just my personality, and it's not me like avoiding it, it's me. Um, it's part of my personality and part of my processing. So, along with my art, sometimes there's humor, and sometimes there's yeah, years, and sometimes you get a little mixed bag.

SPEAKER_02 8:20

You just don't know what's gonna come in.

SPEAKER_03 8:22

You just don't

Introducing Almost Real And Its Twist

SPEAKER_03 8:23

know. So now we have your current book. Let's talk about that.

SPEAKER_02 8:27

So, almost real, you know. I I tend to like take my time on a lot of things, or just like if I really want to release it. So before I had it, um, I let one of my best friends read because she's a she's a bookworm. So we were at a lounge listening to um some music and stuff, and you know, it's dying down and she was like, Let me see. You said you've been working on let me read it. Let me. I was like, oh my god, I'm so scared. Because her opinion does mean a lot to me. Yes, yes. But she keeps it real. So she read it, and um, I went to the bathroom and I came back and she was just still reading. I'm like, okay, well, I'm like, and we got done, and she knew the end of it. And she was like, What? And I was like, You didn't like it's too much. Like, should I take this out? Should I add more? She was well, you should do this. But she was like, I think you have something here. Like, I I kind of want to know more. Like, I want to know. I said, okay, and then gave it to uh my manager. David was like, Okay, wait a minute. What love stuff, what are you going through? And I was like, and I was like, no, it's not like a like a romance book, it's just in my head. Like, yeah, just like, oh, okay, all right, I got follow-up questions.

SPEAKER_01 9:44

So here, yeah, that was pretty much what it was.

SPEAKER_02 9:50

He was like, Is there something I don't know? Like, you know, and then I went to um an editor and she was like, This is actually pretty nice. She was like, Are you in love or something? I was like, No, no, it's not. And then when she read the end, she was like, Oh my god.

SPEAKER_03 10:07

So it's a good ending, it's an ending that you got to be patient and wait for. But so it sounds like other people, as they're as they're being introduced to it, feel like it's a love story. Yes, it is.

SPEAKER_02 10:20

Okay, so it is a love story. It's a lot of fantasy love story, it is very get your thinking in your own world, you know. There's a plot twist, obviously, at the end, because I tend to do that. Um, you know what? It does give you hope. Yeah. Yeah. You know, um, and certain things that I I felt, you know, or that I went through with someone, and I'm just like, okay, I'm gonna just say it, you know. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 10:46

So are these are these parts that were like like pieces of experiences that you've had before with different in different relationships and scenarios kind of lumped up into a story, but it's not you wouldn't consider it like this is a true story. This is inspired by some real experiences and also a little fantastical sprinkles.

SPEAKER_02 11:08

You know, some inspirational, you know, things. And I try to make the book inspirational or like try to make it like you know, it's okay if you fell in love and or if you want to fall in love. Like, that's okay. You know, some people get scared and got which I agree, you know, it's a scary thing, but I think also you just have to, you know, try a little bit. So yeah, it's a it's an interesting. I'm telling some when I reread it, I was like, what was I saying? I can't believe me right now. I can't believe it's about this person. Yeah, that's what I was on the whole time, and I was like, damn, I did it again. I was like, I love it. That's literally what it was. Yeah, so yeah, but it was good. It was I I like I enjoyed writing it because I really like focus on it, and that's like my thing, you know, and it's okay to, you know, the whole love thing, it's okay, especially with like black, like it's okay.

SPEAKER_03 12:03

Yeah, yeah. So this book feels obviously for for for obvious reasons very different than um than your first one. What was the process for you writing

How She Wrote It In Quiet

SPEAKER_03 12:16

this book? Was it very just organic in that like I love to write? Here are some thoughts, here is me putting it together. Um, was it inspired by something? Or was what was what was your process? Did you tuck yourself away? Did you write it over time? How did how did you make it come to fruition?

SPEAKER_02 12:35

Yeah, the process was I was doing it. I do a lot of my things either at night or early morning. Um, and I think because I just needed like a quiet area, but I also have music, it's weird. Um, but I it was a little inspired, you know. I see a lot of my um closest friends that are married or in like long relationships, or you know, and I see like, you know, obviously you have girl talk, you're like, okay. But when I see like the the happiness part, I'm like, oh, that'd be cool if I experienced that. Because some of the things that's in there in the book I've never really experienced. So that's why I was like, that's why it's like almost real. That's where that came from. So it's just like it's it's almost, but it's not, you know, but I wouldn't mind experiencing it. So I really took away like my time alone. I um I still did my everyday thing, but I did set up set some time in the evening to just focus on that. Um, on my lunch breaks, I'm in the car, just you know, rereading it, making sure like, okay, does this make the flow of it? Um, getting opinions, you know. Um, and then really just like I kept on reading it, kept on reading it, kept on reading. Cause I was just thinking, I'm like, this is really in my head. Like, and then um the ending made me feel more like, okay, this is some, this is how I would want it to be. Because I I like, you know, it's good to, like I said, I go back to the whole fantasy thing. It's okay. Sometimes you'd be in this bubble with somebody, and then then you have to leave, right? And once you leave, you gotta go back to reality. You can't go back in the bubble yet. So it's kind of like that. That's how I kind of like was imagining it. And describing the person, but not more of a physical is more of a like not the physical appearance of more of like the feeling, the emotional aspect of it. Yeah. How that's was my main focus, you know, because sometimes you look at the outside of somebody, you're like, oh, okay. But once you have a conversation with somebody and they're really like, you know, not your type or not really like you would think, then you're just like, oh shit, this is this is actually a dope person. And I see why now. So that's kind of pretty much how it was describing how the person made me feel instead of how the physical out of it, you know. That was like my main focus in the conversations.

Wanting Love Without Losing Yourself

SPEAKER_03 15:08

It's interesting because I feel like um, I feel like I've been having a lot of conversations with women, um, just around like their desires for partnership, their um, their journey in pursuing partnership, um, their openness, being open to to partnership.

SPEAKER_02 15:29

And I think it's like it's I see what you're saying. It's it's very interesting how people it I don't know. I think it's like a tricky, you know, because we could be open, but it's like, are you really open-minded?

SPEAKER_03 15:42

Yeah, you know, like well, and I think I think the conversations are are are what's really important because I think we see a lot of things, and I think the the conversations between both um single women, dating women, um, married women, um, long-term married women, I think there's so much opportunity um for just gyms to be dropped because there's not enough conversations, in my opinion, about um the things that are important and can sustain long-term relationships and partnerships and the the qualities um that people should consider in selecting partners that are gonna take them the distance. You know, it's almost I feel like when you have that range of people in conversation, like sometimes um single people um or or people who are dating can can well, they're the same, but different, different phases of being single, right? Um sometimes they can re-inspire and remind people about the parts of themselves that they maybe maybe forgot about or maybe want to reignite. And then I think for the um single and dating people, um hearing about things that are important to consider in those relationships um or as they're pursuing partnership and relationship with others can also be important. So it's it's it's like that community you're building in, you know, in I mean, every conversation to me that happens in community is just a gem in itself.

SPEAKER_02 17:28

Like I agree with that, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 17:30

Like like women coming together. I'm gonna speak to women coming together specifically, women coming together and just really having those open conversations that can feed like your soul, your spirit, your your your mind, your heart, like um, that can challenge your thoughts, that can um um provide additional context and perspective. Like, I think that's just so amazing. And I think it's helpful in thinking about like what what you just said about like sometimes they could be great on the outside, um, or maybe, or, or maybe even the opposite, not what you would uh uh uh initially go for on the outside. Yeah, um, but what's important in that conversation, um I I tell people like someone is not automatically fine to me. Like, yeah, are you attracted to them? I don't know. They seem cool, they look handsome, they're they're nice, but but I don't but I don't know their mind. Like your mind is a large part of what what gets me.

SPEAKER_02 18:39

Yeah, I'm a big conversationist. Like I like to I I I enjoy, even though sometimes the people I do me don't really talk a lot. But once I'm like alone with them and just really like get get talking, a lot comes out and I'm like, okay, now I see. But I'm I'm a big um, I observe a lot too. Yeah, it's not like stalker-ish, you know, when I'm looking at you. I'm just like, no, like so serious. Like I will just like watch you like how you eat. Or oh, I see you ordered that drink. Okay. Like little things, or you know, how they put themselves together or how they, you know, how the way they communicate, you know. Sometimes I feel like some people they they want to communicate a certain way, but they probably don't know, like to show it their end, you know. And me, I'm just want to just say, what? Just say it. Like get get it out. Don't speak in sub. I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just talk. But I do like somebody's mind. I do like um just like chill. If you're like calm, cool, collected. I like that because I already know I'm a lot in my head. So I need you not to be that, you know, you know what I'm saying? Like balance. Like, yeah, yeah. You thinking a lot? I'm thinking, no, I gotta think a lot. You just chill. Yeah. Um, but yeah, I think a lot of people, that's why with this book, it's very like this could happen.

SPEAKER_01 20:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:10

You know, and if it didn't happen, it's like that's okay. At least you fantasize it. And you know, it's like a manus, you know, you're manifesting it, right? And you're believing in yourself that you could find something like this. Or if you did experience this, this is how it would look like. Stuff like that.

SPEAKER_03 20:24

I think like learning yourself again, it's it goes back to those conversations about who are you trying to do life with, right? Because their short-term attractions was like, that's cute.

SPEAKER_02 20:36

Just because you look good at the lounge with your shoes or whatever, it doesn't mean you're gonna look good daytime, daytime and nighttime.

Daytime Dates And Clear Intentions

unknown 20:43

It's two different people.

SPEAKER_02 20:45

Have you really thought about that? I didn't know that.

SPEAKER_03 20:51

I am telling you because your nighttime look was nighttime.

SPEAKER_02 20:58

And your nighttime thoughts are different from your daytime thoughts.

SPEAKER_03 21:01

I am crying.

SPEAKER_02 21:02

That is and tell me that's not true. That's it. And when I see the daytime, I'm like, wait a minute. But their mindset is different on the daytime.

SPEAKER_03 21:11

That's why I like to do like daytime dates. Let me tell you something. I don't even call a date a date until I know I like you. I'm I'm serious. And I make it clear because I'm not reading the other.

SPEAKER_02 21:25

Are you one of those who be like, oh, we're just hanging out?

SPEAKER_03 21:27

That is exactly what I say. That is exactly what I say.

SPEAKER_02 21:32

You know, we're hanging out. Oh, yeah. I just say, oh, I'm gonna hang out. And then my friend owns a date. I'm like, no, he didn't tell me it was a date. He didn't ask me on a date. He said, Do you want to go grab this? They're like, Well, it's a date. I'm like, no, I didn't ask hey, I want to take you on. I need four complete sentences. Listen. Because I'm gonna look at you like a friend. I'm not gonna look at you in any kind of way.

SPEAKER_03 21:52

I don't even need you to tell me it's a date. Right. But it's about how I feel. But I do make that clear to people. Like, I'm really I'm not and I'm not I'm not rude about it, but I do articulate like the way that I go about getting to know people so that people aren't like confused or people aren't thrown off by how I'm speaking of it. Um but no, I absolutely say we are hanging out until I I until I know that I I like you and there's some level of of pursuit happening here, right? And I and I make that distinction so that there is no confusion. You know what I mean? Like I can hang out and I'm and I'm and I'm cool people and I'm going you're we're gonna have fun when we hang out, and those lines are easy to blur sometimes. Yeah, and no, we're not dating because I need you to also be very intentional and very clear about what you're doing in your pursuit of me. Um, and and um, and so that's just how that's how I function. But people are like that, so yeah, we're on a date. I'm nope, we absolutely hang it out. Yeah, what I appreciate on first dates, and this this this came with with age, right? Because I wouldn't have thought like this in my early 30s. Um, but I'm like, take me to a coffee shop, I like that. Take me to a wine bar where we have the space and opportunity to have conversation because that conversation is going to tell me about your mind, about who you are, or if you are a thinking man.

SPEAKER_02 23:24

I don't do the whole he gotta woo me and uh no, no, no, don't woo me yet. Like, don't get there. When we're dating, when we're dating, woo dating, woo me, right? And when I actually feel like I want to be woo. Yes, yes, but no, I'm like that. I prefer that. I prefer us going somewhere, like I love the coffee. I love, I don't mind the wine, wine, because I'm I love me some wine, but I also like to go and like walk somewhere, I like fresh air, especially now in Seattle, or if you want to go and go to a carnival or something, like just authentic like things. Like, I like to be by the water a lot. Like, I don't mind us going sitting down on the bench and just I don't mind all that. And I think some people like will lose the value of like yeah, getting to really know somebody.

SPEAKER_03 24:17

Yeah. I I want I want space and opportunity to know your mind. And and and not, and I don't want that to be, and this is where I think people get um thrown off sometimes, is um it's not that I don't appreciate a well-thought, um, planned, creative date. I I I love those things. Also, that is where um feelings um and expectations start you know getting getting blurry because if if I'm coming and I'm sitting down and having coffee with you and we had the best time ever, you're I'm gonna appreciate you more because there's not all the bells and whistles involved. It's it was just it was very a clean experience, just you and I, you know what I mean? If if you know, I too love water. I'm a Pisces, so I too love water and being by the water and and I love walks and I love being in beautiful spaces, but that's simple, right? And if that's what you wanted to do, and that's a clean environment, like you're you're getting to know me, I'm getting to, and there's not so much put on it, not so much pressure put put onto the situation. Um, and then when we really start feeling like we okay, I'm trying to really get to know her, and okay, I'm open to him pursuing me in this way, right? Then then then, yeah, go on and go on and sound off those bells and whistles. Bells and whistles, bells and whistles, but I don't want that pressure on the top of it either. It's the little things.

Simple Dates And Real Connection

SPEAKER_03 25:56

The more important part, um, especially right now in life for me is like, who are you? Do you know who you are? Because I feel like there's so many people that are um mimicking something versus showing up um as a whole human, you know? Yeah. How do you feel as though you've grown as a writer between your first book and your second?

SPEAKER_02 26:22

Um, I think I still am in that process. The growth of like being a little more confident, being more open, um, especially with the like um the love or you know, um life in general. Because I think now I'm at a point in my life, like I do just want to enjoy myself. Yeah, and that doesn't look like being outside all the time because I'm tired. I I will need her rest. I don't play. I love to sleep. Oh, that is good. I don't even care. So I'm like, you want to uh go? I want to take a nap, you know? Like you ever just want to take a nap? I swear, let a man talk about let's go on a nap date. Let's go. I want to take a nap. Come on, nap date. I'm cooking. You said, uh, are we matched sleepers? Are we matched? Can we even coexist in the same bed? Let a man talk about you want to take a nap date? Let's go. Because one, I need a nap. Oh you know, and then just the growth. Like, think I'm trying to still figure out my way of this um writing world. I've been doing a lot more writing on music. Um, just trying to get because I feel like my words could translate to it. So I'm into that now. Um, so I'm really like plugging myself into like what more I could do, and I think I'm finding slowly my just things and stuff like that.

SPEAKER_03 27:44

The word courageous pops into my head because I know how vulnerable artistic expression can be, right? And so I think it's very courageous to be able to say, I'm still exploring it, I'm trying this thing and that thing, and I'm figuring out like, you know, um what settles in my spirit and what feels good and what feels like an organic, you know, lane um for for for me. Um I agree.

SPEAKER_02 28:16

And I think time is okay. Like it's okay. I'm about to be 38 and people, oh, I should be doing this amount. No, actually, you shouldn't. When I see someone that's like 10 years younger than me or even younger, my daughter's age, you know, who she's about to be 19, it's like you actually not supposed to be doing nothing. Yeah, like you're supposed to just be enjoying this college life and come on, you know, do you know, be safe, you know, just enjoy yourself. And I think, you know, I'm at that point in my life, like I am joining, I am meeting new people, um, networking, um, gaining new like relationships as in friendships, gaining more like respect. I'm like, oh, okay. You know, supporting other artists. I'm like big on that. Um, so yeah, I think it's just a new, you know, it's a new chapter, but I'm still like trying to figure things out like as I go.

SPEAKER_03 29:08

Yeah. I I like you talking about like there's no timeline. Um, when I was younger, um there was this automatic like adultification of

Creative Growth Plus Rest And Joy

SPEAKER_03 29:18

kids, right? And so, you know, when you're 15 back then, when you're 15, it's like go to work. You're you're working, you're getting a job, you're you're you know, whether that starts for in the summertime or whether you're you know in high school and working a job, but everybody was like working, they're working to buy school clothes, they're working to do this. And I'm not mad at um teaching your kids responsibility. The the however also is that there's no rush to be an adult, like there's no rush to be an adult one, and there's no rush to having it all figured out that your 20s, your 20s.

SPEAKER_02 30:10

You can't get back your 20s, man. Man, literally looking back, I'll be like, damn I was really a mom. Like same. I was a whole mom in my like oh my wow. Now people be wondering, like, oh, where'd you come like? I I go a lot. Um, I'll post to sometimes. I go a lot on solo dates, and people's thinking, like, oh, is it because you're trying to, you know, take yourself on date? Or if I'm like, no, I I actually like to be alone. Like, I've never really been alone, alone, alone.

SPEAKER_03 30:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 30:36

And I like to take myself out to eat to a new restaurant, or I like to go for a tra, you know, I'll find a trail, I'll get to go walk, or I'll go buy myself some new Jays. It's been a little problem with that, but that's okay. But you know, I'm going back to how like not saying the I'm in my acting like that, like, no, because I still know, like, I'm a whole grown woman. Grown woman. Yeah. Like, no, we're not gonna be doing this.

SPEAKER_01 31:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 31:01

But I do have days that I just want to be like, let me just enjoy. Yeah, like my I'm in my late 30s now, right? And I'm just like, let me just enjoy that. Like, you know, because I'm excited when I hit 40. Like, I can't wait. I'm I'm like pumped. Because I know, you know, you know, I I feel like this in your 20s, you have a lot of a lot of they have a lot of expectations, especially nowadays, right? Yes. And it's like, you know, they want to be married or they get married young or they have their kid. And I'm just like, damn, like, that's good. It's all good for you. You know, if you feel like that's your life, that's God gave it to you, that's fine. But there are some like people who I do know who um even are older than me, who doesn't have children, never been married. And I'm just like, but that's okay though, right? And they're like, no, my time. And I'm like, no, I think you're right on time. You know, and I think it'll happen when it's supposed to happen. Like, and I think rushing through it, like we were talking about, it's not, I don't feel like it's gonna get you anywhere, you know. People rush through love a lot. I'm okay if we take a little bit of time because there's certain things I need to know about you, like you know, and then being okay, like if you don't get, you know, I got asked that before. What if you never get married? Then I don't. I don't know. But I'll be happy. And that's okay, you know. Somebody will pass me a town all at certain ending. I'm crying. Somebody will do something. Yeah, you know, that's okay though. Like, I feel like it's the time. Like, people you just enjoy seasons, is what I was told like a while ago.

SPEAKER_03 32:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 32:38

When I had my book out, my first one, and then the film and stuff, they're like, enjoy the season. Yeah, don't rush, don't feel like you have to be in every little thing or every little event or you have to post every little thing. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 32:52

Yeah. It's kind of getting getting out of the grind. I think that um sometimes even even when I'm in my pocket space, which which is creative space,

No Timelines And Enjoying Your Season

SPEAKER_03 33:02

right? Even when I'm in that, I am I am, I can um, I think I fall in and out of love with the grind. And it depends on like what the project is or or what I'm working on. Um, but I don't believe that I think sometimes we do it because we can, but not because we should. And I I think that we have not mastered the art of rest well enough to function in a grind as as black people. Um, and I'm only speak for us because that's who I'm speaking to. Um, you know, like I everyone else can apply it for themselves, but I'm speaking of like black people. I don't think we've mastered the art of rest well enough to to play the game of grind. I think we can do it and we do it, and we've had to do it for various reasons um to climb these ladders and or or uh attain this version of success. But I think that's also another question that people need to ask themselves is what does success mean to me? Because the definition of success is is is is um very uh specific to the individual, in my opinion, right?

SPEAKER_02 34:24

Yeah, it's what what you feel like it is and what ladder are you climbing. Yes, everybody has a different ladder.

SPEAKER_03 34:29

Yes, yes, and so and and and I don't think that is discussed as a as a culture enough um or has been you know pressed upon us um to to think about and consider because it's a it's really this this bar that people have made it versus um these individual milestones for ourselves individually um as to what success is. And so I I would encourage folks more to to determine what that means for themselves. Um and and um and the the rest, I mean the the grind can be exhausting. Um and and we have so many things that we're managing that affect us um and our health um um you know on a regular that that we we have to I think have those important conversations with one another and with ourselves to determine what that is so that we're not getting caught up in this grind and this this this um instant gratification and this social media whirlwind about what success is and at what point in life you should have this or that.

SPEAKER_02 35:40

I agree. I don't want to it's a lot of grace, you know. I think we gotta we gotta we don't give each we don't give enough grace to ourselves and to realize like you know, I know a lot of you know, like some of my friends, men and women, you know, like ah man, I need to be just focused. I need to just do this, do that. I'm like, okay, sit down though, like chill out. You did this already today, take your time, you know. And I think we beat ourselves up so much. And I'm like that too. Sometimes, you know, I'm very more like, oh my god, I need to figure this out, I need to make this book the number one, I need to do this. And then I realized, like, you know what, it'll be what it's supposed to be, and how it's supposed to be.

SPEAKER_03 36:20

And I think there's even a um there's a there's a difference in the grind versus um putting in the work to reach a goal, right? So, like you're gonna put in for your book because it means something to you, right? Um, it's your blood, sweat, tears, it is your emotional energy um put into that project. And so you're going to you're going to grind a little bit for that because you have a goal with it and you want to see it be successful, what that means to you, right? You're gonna put in the footwork to make that happen. That's very different to me than someone who lives in this constant chase.

SPEAKER_02 37:04

You know, there's some people who live, breathe, their job, and they're just like, I have to do this, I have to do this, I have to do this. And then it's like, you know, they envy the ones that take vacations or and I'm like, you guys don't understand, like you, your time away, you know, from work or your life or whatever it is, you know, it it's you have to like reprogram yourself. Yeah, you know, I like to sit in the house, you know. I'm like, okay, let me put some can, let me put my incense. I'm so African. And I'm like, oh, oh, oh, oh, come on, incense. I'll be like this, you know, you gotta get the good stuff. Put my candles, I'm a wine. What are you watching? I'm gonna DM. I don't know. I just have my snacks and I just don't want to be bothered. Like, I I don't, and I don't, you know, and a lot of my friends, they know that they just be like, oh no, you're just chilling. Or they'll know if I'm sitting by the water, they're like, Oh, she's at her little spot. She ain't gonna nope, I'm not. Are you a water sign? No, I think I'm a five, I'm a Leo. Is that a five?

SPEAKER_03 38:05

Oh, you're a Leo. Okay, I don't know that I would have said that, but okay, Leo.

SPEAKER_02 38:10

Yeah, yeah,

Grind Culture And Defining Success

SPEAKER_02 38:12

yeah. Yeah, this one's on the side of me, but it's people assume like I'm an extrovert because I'm a people person. Like, I like to talk to people. I'll say hi to a stranger because I feel like why y'all not saying hello? Like saying, You see people speak, yeah. Like, I think I got more gravity to be more of an introvert as I'm getting older because I kind of like like to stay back and just like watch, you know, and they will assume something's wrong with me, some quiet. Like, no, I just don't want to talk.

SPEAKER_03 38:44

You're both um and yeah, because I extra with it, like you know, okay, but best of believe 10 o'clock roll around.

SPEAKER_02 38:55

It's all right.

SPEAKER_03 38:56

You said I'm good for a good one, two step up until about 9 30. Then we need to be heading home and 10 o'clock.

SPEAKER_02 39:03

Wrap this up. Some of my friends will find me at like like they'd be like, Where'd you go? I went to go to get my chicken wings. I'm like, so you can't be going to that casino eating your wings. Yes, I can. Yes, I can. Like by yourself. Yes, I love it. You know, but yeah, that's another thing. I enjoy eating alone. Like, I don't Yeah. You know, or I'll meet somebody and they're like, You came by yourself? Yeah, I came by myself. You invited where who's gonna come with me?

SPEAKER_03 39:32

I do I do um solo outings also, like and and not not um I don't know that there's any intention behind it, it's just that I will, right? Um and like I I can um I can I enjoy being out with friends and I also um am cool with being out by myself and if I want to do something, I just want to go do it without like the fuss and coordinating and whatever, then I'll just go do it. I think um I think people would do well when they learn how to be with themselves. Like I think sometimes that can be hard for people. Um I um I I love hanging out with me. I think I love people though. I love people and I love uh it's just that when I do when I do land at at time, you know, whether I'm at home, whatever, that I'm by myself, like I'm cool with that because I still have a time with myself because I like me.

SPEAKER_02 40:39

Like and see, that's what it is. You like yourself and that and respect yourself that you wouldn't let somebody come up and disrespect your piece. That's nothing a lot of don't realize, and that's why I think they will never try you.

SPEAKER_03 40:53

They might try, but they might try for things. But like, yeah, it's it's it's like, oh, okay, cool.

SPEAKER_02 41:01

Because you enjoy yourself though, right? And that's the whole point of like in life. I'd rather be alone or just be by myself than you know, trying to figure out what this is or anything like that.

SPEAKER_03 41:14

But you know, I think the other thing is I'm not um I'm not at a place where I'm I'm I'm willing to figure anything out. I'm not figuring anything out if it's not clear, if it's not evident, if it's not vocalized, and you're you're demonstrating your words out loud, um meaning I see it in action, then um I'm not I'm nobody if I'm in a deep relationship with someone and I notice something's off and I'm like trying to understand what's what's going on with that person because I've studied them, I know them, and I

Solitude Boundaries And Believe Actions

SPEAKER_03 41:50

I've learned them and I see something's off, and then I need to be curious and inquisitive and supportive of them when I see a change, that's very different in the in terms of figuring out. But if I'm trying to figure out where we stand, who we are to each, oh no, ma'am, no ham, no turkey. Nope. I that's what I'm not gonna do. Yeah, and I don't give a situation any more energy than what it deserves. So if we're hanging out and it's friendly, then we're hanging out and it's friendly, right? And if you and if I hear from you once a week, then you're gonna get once a week energy if that's what I feel like being okay with. But that's a friend. If a friend contacts you once a week, twice a week, whatever, then cool. That's not necessarily that's that's not to me in pursuit of someone, um, uh someone being in pursuit of someone, but also paying attention to those things and being able to understand what someone is demonstrating to you instead of saying, Well, why aren't you? Well, why aren't they? There nothing else matters other than what they're showing you, so don't worry about the whys and it ain't about you. And you know what I mean? Like, no, I agree.

SPEAKER_02 43:00

I agree, and I think that's like my whole like like series now with this book is these kind of conversations. Like people don't really have like we have these conversations, but it's like we're really having these conversations, you know. Yeah, so what conversation do you hope this book starts for folks? I think um I hope it starts with just being transparent, being authentic. Um, it's okay if you um want to be in love or you never fell in love, or you have this image of somebody that you wish you kind of gave a chance, but it never really happened, you know, because everything in this book is very fantasy, but it is real. Like certain feelings I I had, you know, and I never thought I will experience, especially with everything that happened to me, even after what happened to me, you know, having another kid and uh another failed relationship. And I'm like, okay, this is it. I got these people like, you know, and now that I'm at, you know, turning 30. I'm like, okay, what does this look like? But I just wanted to be like transparent, open, like the dialogue we had, just about, you know, communication and like expressing. And it's okay to, you know, treat somebody nice, you know, or show them something different that they never experienced. So I just like just have an open dialogue, you know, is kind of what I'm looking for. Because I feel like we just, especially in our community, you know, there's so much happening, you know, we really don't know like somebody like feelings, even though sometimes we don't like to talk about it, but it's like, no, you could talk about it. Because I have a lot, like some of my homeboys, they be talking about their feelings. You know, and I'm like, oh, okay, that's good. I mean, some of them, you know, they they were told like, you know, not to talk about it, right? Or they're called sensitive and stuff. And I'm just like, I don't think you're sensitive. I think it's okay to have feelings.

SPEAKER_03 44:54

And guess what? I also think it's okay to be sensitive if that's who you're wired to be.

SPEAKER_02 45:00

Somebody said that like some of these, and I'm like, what's wrong with a uh with a man being sensitive?

SPEAKER_03 45:06

I think that society has um has created this idea of masculinity, um, and we see it popping up in our politics as to what it looks like to be a man, like looks like, but that is nothing but a shell of a man. Like your masculinity um should not be solely dependent upon if you if you have a body that says you work out five days a week. Um your masculinity should not be wrapped up into whether or not um, you know, uh you can take a punch. Uh your masculinity should not be wrapped up um in how strong you can be and how you're not emotionally tied to anything, how you can't be phased. Your masculinity should not be wrapped up solely in um your ability to produce, um, you know, or how you perform sexually, or um how many zeros you have at the end of your annual income. Like it should not be wrapped

Sensitivity Masculinity And Safe Spaces

SPEAKER_03 46:15

up in those things because nothing in what I just expressed talks about how you feel and who you are as a person and what your values are and how um you know and how you treat other people and care for other people and how you live in community. That is for people who live in the mind space of individualism, not people who live in community. And black people are born and created to live in community, and so when we have that um clash of community versus masculinity, it's a disaster, right?

SPEAKER_02 46:51

It is, it is, it really is. And I think sometimes like my like people who I do know, some some guys that were really good friends, I like I like when they do open up and certain about the you know, because I know it it's like a weird, but the way they open up is we're in their zone.

SPEAKER_03 47:08

Yeah, right?

SPEAKER_02 47:09

We're like at a sports bar or sitting down just talking, and then randomly they'll say something. I'll be like oh, okay, hold on, they're talking. Like, wait, let me shut up and let it go. Yeah, what's your stuff say that again? Yeah, you know, and I think it's nice. I'm just like, this is this is probably what they needed.

SPEAKER_03 47:28

Yeah, you know, giving people a safe space, right? Like vulnerability is is is scary, and um being people's safe space and them knowing it won't be weaponized, like this is a safe space for me because it won't be weaponized against me. I won't be belittled for it, or it won't be brought up against me to make me feel less of a person or less of a man, you know, because you know this of me. So it's to me building those those those safe spaces, and which which goes back to choosing the uh making smart decisions about the people who we allow in our life. Yeah. Um, you know, I agree. What do you feel like um has changed in you since since your last book? Not just about your your your you know the way that you prepared or your writing process, but what do you think has and I don't even want to use the word changed, I want to use the word maybe evolved. Um what has evolved in you from writing your last book to writing this current book?

SPEAKER_02 48:36

I think I'm more open. I think uh because in the beginning, I always like I was really scared. Um, and there's a lot on that first book I took out, like a lot, a lot. And like, but now I'm just kind of like, nope, I'm gonna talk about how I feel, I'm gonna be open and I'm open to more conversations like this. I'm more like I think I'm I want to say I'm becoming like my adult, you know, I'm adulting, but I could tell, like, okay, I'm getting to that mature, you know, even the way sometimes I dress a little bit, I could tell. Like, you know, I'm like, hold on. Say more. What does this look like? You know, like I realized like, like I'm very like, oh, this is probably who I really am. Like, you know, because I I do um, I wouldn't call it like tomboy-ish, right? But I do like my sneakers, you know. Yeah. I know some guys, you know, they'd be like, you don't wear heels. Like, no, I go out and wear heels. Don't don't get it twisted. However, I do like to be comfortable. I could tell, like, okay, I don't mind showing a little bit, but I also like to keep a little bit. I noticed I'm getting to that era of my life. I'm like, wait a minute. I'm gonna wear my bodysuit at. Like, you know, but now I'm more like, no, I want to like, I could tell, like just a little bit. Um, so I think just evolving into like the person I I I envision myself.

SPEAKER_01 49:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 49:59

But I know that's also God's plan. Even writing this book, like I I go to like some paint stuff. I tried like played pool now. I tried to do like I'm thinking, oh, okay, I'm starting to figure out like what I like. And I think with this book, it made me open up so much things in my mind about just like love and relationships and not being afraid of like where I'm at in my life with it. Yeah. And like who I'm becoming. And, you know, sometimes I'm too, sometimes I'm too nice. You know, people like, oh, you're too nice. And I'm like, no, I just, you know, it's okay to be nice to somebody. It's okay to do something. Like, if it's not gonna hurt you, you know, kindness is free.

SPEAKER_01 50:39

Mm-hmm. Right.

SPEAKER_02 50:40

And people put a label on it and people put an expectation on it. And I'm like, anything I ever did for somebody, I never have expectation, right? So I think that's where I'm at in my life. It's like, it's okay to bless somebody, it's okay to be kind, it's you know, being a little open-minded.

SPEAKER_03 50:56

Yes, that's a little bit that's that's that to me is another layer of vulnerability, though, right? Like kindness, kindness to me is being who you desire to be, despite what's on the other side of that, right? Um, and so if I'm if I'm doing an act of kindness, I'm doing it not expecting anything, I'm doing it because it's what on my spirit, it's what's on my spirit to do. And if if my intention, whether I live up to that intention every single time or not, is to move in the world with kindness, right? Then I'm not upset when it's not demonstrated on the other side. I just see you. I see you, right? That's it. I just see you right.

SPEAKER_02 51:44

That's exactly what it is. You know, also learning, even writing with this book that how people present themselves and how what they show you, I'm just gonna believe it. That's it.

SPEAKER_03 51:54

Well, you know, I could sit here. Uh we could this last time. I was like, I will talk your ears off for a good two, three hours

Where To Get The Book

SPEAKER_03 52:01

here. But uh, tell us where we could find the book, tell folks where they could purchase this book.

SPEAKER_02 52:07

You could purchase it on Amazon. Um, it's called Almost Real Tiggis BNA. My IG is Love Tiggis25, and all my links are there. Um, and you can also see the documentaries on YouTube, Walk by Faith, and Love, Sex and Sorrow is on the link as well. So definitely go ahead and purchase it. Um if you get it, post it. Let me know how you feel, send me a message. Um, I'm very open to um conversations and if people have follow-up questions and stuff.

SPEAKER_03 52:38

I love it. And I'll post some of the links on my IG also. Um, so keep your eyes open for those. I'll tag to guess it in the post. So for folks who are sometimes challenged in finding people on IG, even when you have the handle given to you, um, I will help you with that also. I will help you with that also. Um but please support, please uh go out and get the book and support. And again, I hope as you continue to release projects that we can continue to connect and and share those projects with others. I enjoy having you on and uh talking with you. And we're excited to see what you continue to do. Um how we can continue to support. So, yeah, yeah, go make the purchase, go make the follow. Go back and listen to the first episode so you can be a part of the full journey. So, so you know um how things came about and what um her journey has been um over these years, and it helps to appreciate the ways that that we are in a space where we can have uh somewhat of a front seat to to this journey that you're going on. So um thank you for joining us today. Always a pleasure. And uh to our listeners, be well.