Transcript / Back With a Giant Quack! Unintended Expedition, Pt. 9 – Episode 161, by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Spaceship Alien] [Spaceship Resonant] [SciFi Glimmer]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: And yes, it’s still Day Six, aboard Gneeecey’s runaway Starship Waterloo, and time is running out fast for canine-humanoids Diroctor Bizzig “Zig” Gneeecey and Fleaglossitty “Flea” Floppinsplodge, otherwise known as “Sooperflea.” Going on a spacewalk outside Starship Waterloo is the only way they can repair the spacecraft’s food replicator that evil stowaway Nurse Maudlyn damaged when she attempted to replicate her “comfortable at-home shoes.”….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Spaceship Alien] [Spaceship Resonant] [SciFi Glimmer]
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Gneeecey and Flea have been out there a long time. It’s been hours! Hopefully they’re okay, and their repairs are coming along—so we don’t starve to death!
NURSE MAUDLYN: I already told you, it doesn’t matter to me. I have my own food here!
N: Yeah, right….
SFX: [Radio Static]
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Ig! Can ya hear me! We’re ready to come back in.
N: Let me step over the still unconscious Ebegneeezer so I can get over to that control panel and let them back in!
NM: Not so fast, Earth girl!
N: What?
SFX: [Cartoon Slip]
N: Ow!
SFX: [BodyFallHuman]
NM: Same little treat I had for that dastardly Diroctor Gneeecey’s hideous lookalike! A nice little injection in the bimbus always does it!
SFX: [Radio Static]
G: Ig! Can ya hear me! We’re ready to come back in, now!
NM: The Earth girl is a bit indisposed right now.
“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: What have ya done wit’ Nicki?
NM: That’s for me to know and you to never find out!
G: Stinkin’ let us back in! Ya gotta pull that red lever on your left!
NM: Sorry, Diroctor, I can’t do that!
G: We’re gonna run outta air soon! Ya gotta stinkin’ let us back in!
F: Yeah! Let us back in! Now—or else!
NM: Or else, what? Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha!
SFX: [Radio Static]
F: Ya gotta let us back in! The crank on the outer airlock is busted—we can’t let ourselves back in!
G: Yeah! An’ we’re stinkin’ gonna run outta lousy oxygen, even though this special O2 got extra, high-quality 2! An’ there’s one of them black holes behind us—it can snap us right in half before we can even say “ow”! Pull that red lever an’ stinkin’ let us back in! Now! I order ya!
G & F [in unison]: Let us back in!
NM: Sorry, I can’t do that!
SFX: [Terror Tension] [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, back down on the ground, Beagle-humanoid Private Eye Clover Arlo Cookie and his trusty assistant, sun conure parrot Conrad, have taken a little after-dinner ride out to Falcon Farms, in Booolabeeezia, on the outskirts of Perswayssick County. Clover has a hunch that his new client, the glamorous, mysterious Dachshund-humanoid Brunhilde is not telling him everything….
DUCKS: Quack, quack, quack, quack! Quack, quack, quack, quack!
BRUNHILDE: Vhy, Detective Clover! Conrad! Dahlings! Vhat are you doing here?
CLOVER ARLO COOKIE, PI: Why, Brunhilde, I was just about to ask you the same thing. What are you doing here? You didn’t tell me you worked on a farm!
B: I don’t vurk here. I own eet!
CAC, PI: It sure looks like you’re working. If you’re not, then, what are you doing?
B: Vhy, I’m feeding my falcons dere dinner! Eet ees past dere mealtime and dey get een a bad mood!
DUCKS: Quack, quack, quack, quack! Quack, quack, quack, quack!
CAC, PI: Those aren’t falcons—they’re ducks!
DUCKS: Quack, quack, quack, quack! Quack, quack, quack, quack!
CAC, PI: Oh, look…over there…on the ground….
B: Vhat, Detective Clover, vhat?
CAC, PI: I wonder what this bright, shiny object is…. Hmmm…. This is a fragment of a very strange metal…. My wife would find this interesting. Do you mind if I take it with me?
B: I don’t suppose I vould mind.
CAC, PI: It looks like part of some medallion. I can make out the letter X. What do you suppose that means, Brunhilde?
B: I—I don’t know! Maybe eet ees an abbreviation for our Planet Eccchs….
CAC, PI: No, I don’t think that’s it. Our Eccchs is spelled E-C-C-C-H-S. We never abbreviate it.
B: [giggles]
CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]
DUCKS: Quack, quack, quack, quack! Quack, quack, quack, quack!
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Spaceship Alien] [Spaceship Resonant] [SciFi Glimmer] [Radio Static]
G & F [in unison]: Let us back in!
NM: I already told you, I can’t do that.
SFX: [Radio Static] [Orbital Fear Polisher] [Logo Eerie Sharp]
PROFESSOR WILLARD WALLBANG: Ms. Rodriguez! Ms. Rodriguez! You’ve got to wake up!
EBEGNEEEZER GESUNDHEIT EEECEYGNAY: Oh…oh dear….
PWW: Not you, Ebegneeezer!
E: Oh, good…. I haven’t gotten this much rest in a long time…. But, ow, me bloody bimbus is so sore…. SFX: [BodyFallHuman]
PWW: Ms. Rodriguez! You must wake up and save your comrades!
NM: Oh, they won’t wake up. Those injections I gave them are pretty strong! And what, may I ask, are you doing here, Professor Wallbang? Did you stow away, too?
PWW: I am not present physically, Nurse Maudlyn. What you see in front of your rather beady, scheming eyes is merely my mental projection. Rest assured, if I were physically present, I would surely administer some justice regarding this unnecessary situation.
NM: Well, you’re not!
PWW: Perhaps you could redeem your miserable self if you would pull that red lever and let those two hapless canine-humanoids gain access into that airlock.
NM: Perhaps you could go back where you came from and mind your own business—
SFX: [Music Eerie Dramatic] [Explosion] [Bang] [Wood Demolition] [Glass Shatter] [Metal Crash 1] [Metal Crash 3]
NM: What—
SFX: [Wood Demolition x 6] [Giant Quack]
NM: A giant quack! It’s that horrible Space Duck! He’s escaped from the vault! And he’s seven-feet-tall! Professor—where are you? Help! He’s coming toward me with an evil look!
SFX: [Wood Demolition x 6] [Giant Quack]
PWW: Nurse Maudlyn, I’m going back to where I came from, to mind my own business. And good luck…. Well, not really.
SFX: [Logo Eerie Sharp]
NM: Forget that useless professor… Now, there are several of those expensive necklaces around that duck’s neck! I could make a fortune with these, back in Perswayssick County!
SFX: [Wood Demolition x 6] [Giant Quack] [ComputerKeyboard] [Laser]
NM: He’s letting those two dastardly canine-humanoids back in! Ruining all my plans!
SFX: [Radio Static] [AirplaneCabin]
G & F [in unison]: Thanks!
NM: That dastardly giant duck is staring at me now—and I can’t move! I’m—I’m paralyzed!
SFX: [FinaleEpicSound] [Magic Spell] [Cuckoo Clock] [Logo Eerie Sharp]
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Ingabore! Vhat ees dat?
THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Vhy, look, Alexandra!
PWW: Good evening, ladies…. No need to rise. Tis merely me, Professor Wallbang, or rather just my mental projection calling on you. I just wanted to inform you that it was indeed a duck that I detected in close proximity to Ms. Rodriguez, Diroctor Gneeecey, and Sooperflea. A rather oversized mallard, at that. That is all.
DI & IS [in unison]: Vait!
PWW: Good evening, ladies.
SFX: [Logo Eerie Sharp] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###