Transcript / Three Eggs, Too Bad – Episode 220, by Vicki Solá.

Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Misgivings & Misfortune]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In last week’s episode…. Canine-humanoids Fleaglossitty “Flea” Floppinsplodge and Diroctor Bizzig “Zig” Gneeecey find themselves face-to-face with none other than their long-lost Planet Eccchs leader, Zinfandel!

Zinfandel declares they’re stuck in suspended animation and must watch scenes from the past, almost like watching a life review. Before the two can beg for mercy, they’re back inside Gneeecey’s chaotic GAS Broadcast Network office—where poor stranded earthling Nicki Rodriguez discovers her “dream job” comes with goonafish feeding, exploding equipment, unpaid overtime, possible electrocution, and a very underwhelming paycheck….

SFX: [Electronic Cash Register]
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: My breathing had become rapid and shallow.
Gneeecey looked up, grinning from ear to ear. “Works out perfect—won’t even hafta cut’cha a check!”
“Huh?”
“Keep in mind, ya get paid every other Wetnooodlesday—the pay period always ends the FriedEgg before. This week’s check will be for what’cha earn today.”

“Okay. From my, uh, job description, I’ll be working pretty hard today. So, uh, what’s my total net then?”
His wagging tail thumped loudly. SFX: [Animal, Dog] “That’s fifteen Cents this week!”

SFX: [Cartoon 1] [Magic Spell] [Misgivings & Misfortune]

DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Geewhizzicles, this dopey life review or whatever it stinkin’ is even comes wit’ music! I certaintaneously hope we ain’t unalive! It would be your lousy fault!

FLEAGLOSSITTY “FLEA” FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: All I can say is, ya sure were rotten to Nicki when ya first hired her.

G: An’ perhaphoops proboobably even after….

F: So, Zig, this means you’re finally beginnin’ to show some empathy?

G: Don’t start in wit’ your empoopathy, Fleaglossitty. It was your stooopid Empoopathy 5000 machine that got us into this lousy situational predikookament in the first place.

SFX: [Magic Glitter] [Misgivings & Misfortune]

F: Looky, Zig!

G: Now, stinkin’ whaaat?

F: We jus’ been magically transported to your mansion, an’ that dinky utility closet ya gave Nicki to use as a bedroom!

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Misgivings & Misfortune]

NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Shell shocked, I staggered into my “room” and collapsed. Didn’t even take off my jacket. Just sat on the hard floor, slumped against the wall, staring into darkness. I’d barely survived my first workday at Gneeecey’s GAS Broadcast Network—a 13-hour workday.
My heart sank through the soles of my feet when I heard Gneeecey, across the way, in the kitchen, blabbering on the phone that he’d discovered three freshly-laid, spike-covered chrome eggs in the goths’ playroom.
Yammicles, he squealed, referring to his stuffed teddy bear, was thrilled. Soon he’d have brothers and sisters to play with.
Yeah. Right. Soon feathery clouds of the teddy’s innards would float out of his new siblings’ steel snouts as they ripped his plush butt to shreds.
“Found the little eggs next to that chair they been eatin’,” gushed Gneeecey. “Maybe Vizzy been eatin’ furniture ’cause she needed the extra nutritootion to lay her eggs.”
Down the hall, the goths chattered with joy. SFX: [Cartoon Chattering Teeth] [Creature Shrill Screams] Maybe they were picking out baby names.
“Yeah. . .uh-huh,” continued Gneeecey, “like I said, I’m workin’ on it. Yeah. . . . I’ll fix Imbroglio, too. Don’t worry. Youse guys won’t be jus’ a buncha planet-less, floatin’ eyeballs forever. I promise.”
I sat up straight.
“An’ sorry I was late. Got to the office late—the Ig hadda play football wit’ the birds. She lost my lousy sock ticket, too. Those are my stinkin’ lucky socks! She’s gonna pay!”

I was scared stiff of those two little chrome monsters. I remembered my first encounter with them when I first arrived at Gneeecey’s mansion….

SFX: [Magic Spell]

Once inside, I froze, plastered against the wall as two snarling, prehistoric-yet-futuristic chrome beasts snapped at my ankles, ready to rip their razor-sharp, metallic fangs into my flesh. “Gneeecey!” SFX: [Chattering] [Misgivings & Misfortune]

“That’s Diroctor Gneeecey!” he bellowed from the other end of the hallway.

“Diroctor, call ’em off! Pleeeeaze!”

“Yooou wanted to use the side door.”

“Help!”

“Stop perspiratin’. It’s only Ozzy an’ Vizzy. Haven’cha never seen goths?”

“No—can’t say I have! They’re—they’re foaming at the mouth—”

“Ain’t they cute?” Moth-eaten patches of coarse brown fur speckled their shiny, dachshund-like bodies, and a series of hairy handles ran from their necks to their spiked tails. Eight or nine ocher eyes circled their rhino horns, and their slimy snouts housed walls of wolflike teeth. They had too many legs and smelled like little garbage dumps. “Lovable, ain’t they, Ig?”

“Uh, how’s Oxymoron these days?”

Gneeecey’s face went blank.

I shook my head in disbelief. My sudden movement caused the techno-beasts to rear up on the eleven hind limbs they owned between them. “Your puppy, you also call him Spot—”

“Oh, he ain’t called lately. Anyways, these guys were a present from Mark. An’ Mark.”

On our way to his mansion, I recalled Gneeecey sticking his head through the limo window to greet one of those creepy Markmen. The alien gangsters were all named Mark. “They got chrome-covered steel chassis, but their choppers are iron,” continued Gneeecey. “Gotta be inspecticated regoogularly, for rust. Their dentist over in Plackettsburg gave me these barbed-wire toothbrushes to use on ’em, twice a day.”

“Vizzy’s gonna bite me—”

“That’s Ozzy—don’t worry, you’ll learn to tell ’em apart. He has a bigger horn an’ smells like spoilt meat. An’—ow—he’s friendlier! Can’cha tell?”

“No!”

“Ozzy’s a male—they’re called gazooongas. An’ Vizzy’s a female—a gaaah-gaaah. she’s smilin’—see? When they have babies, it’ll be like gettin’ more of ’em, for free. Goths are easy to take care of—they’ll even eat dead car batteries.”

“Really.”

“An’ they love cans an’ scrap metal. I don’t even bother wit’ recyclin’—not that I ever did. What’s the environment ever done for meee?”

“Yaaaaaa—he just slashed my shin!”

“Anyone ever tell ya, Ig, ya look priddy stooopid hoppin’ on one leg?”

“Would you just put ’em back—pleeeeaze!”

“They’re jus’ showin’ off ’cause you’re here,” Gneeecey insisted, grabbing them by their hairy handles. “Ow! C’mon, ya little tykes—Ig’s afraida youse.”

SFX: [Clanking] [Creature Shrill Screams] He dragged the clanking, slime-oozing critters down the hall and tossed them into their room, along with a shovel. SFX: [Bang] “An’ try not to eat your other chair!” He slammed the door shut. SFX: [Door Slam] You could hear their heads butting against it. SFX: [Bang] [Wood Demolition Bang] [Magic Spell]

Groaning, I squeezed my eyelids shut. Three eggs. Too bad. Too bad for me….

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Magic Summons] [Magic Glitter]

NURSE MAUDLYN: Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha!

G: Oh stinkin’ noooo! It’s her again!

F: The ol’ gasbag!

NM: Tis I, Nurse Maudlyn! I’ve been here before, eons ago, watching this very scene! How do you think I became so familiar with the layout of your mansion, Diroctor Gneeecey? I’ve kidnapped you already, in another dimension! You’ll never be done with me! Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha!

G & F [in unison]: Holy Saint Bogelthorpe!

SFX: [Magic Summons] [Magic Glitter] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]

We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.

And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!

Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###