You don't find the one, you choose the one

We challenge the soulmate myth and explain why love works best when we choose it with clear eyes instead of waiting for fate. We break down how intuitive people can mistake intensity for alignment and how to use discernment to build a relationship that is emotionally safe and sustainable. 
• fated love versus personal agency and free will 
• why intuitive recognition can feel like destiny 
• connection versus compatibility and intensity versus alignment 
• recognition versus commitment and why choice is daily 
• how the “meant to be” story can justify misalignment 
• empath patterns, trauma echoes, and nervous system signals 
• practical questions for emotional safety and availability 
• conflict style red flags including silent treatment and control 
• love as co-creation through mutual effort and maturity 
• moving slowly to see character over time 
So please like, share, and subscribe. 

Transcript

Welcome And The Big Reframe

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, it's Dr. Donna and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today we're going to gently challenge something that has been deeply wired into how many of us understand love, especially if you are intuitive, empathic, energetically aware, or interested in spirituality, and the ideal that there's one person out there, just one, waiting, destined, fated, or is meant for you. And sometimes that happens. Sometimes we do share a path with someone, you know, so that we can complete certain things in life. Like I think a good example is Michelle and Barack Obama, they have a cold spiritual contract, you know, to be married and to do what they have done. In their lifetime, I think there's a lot of couples like that. But I think that when it comes down to saying the one, we're hoping that it feels a certain way, and that it feels guaranteed and that it feels safe enough that the relationship will last forever and ever. And being with the one doesn't mean that it's going to be forever and ever, especially if you guys aren't choosing each other and you grow apart at some point. And finding the one is only as good as we are healed, as we are willing to do our own inner work. Here's the truth we're going to explore today. You don't find the one, you choose who becomes the one. Because some people don't marry their soulmate or their twin flame. They're like, I don't want all that mess. So it is always a choice. And that shift is not cold, logical, or unromantic. It's actually one of the most empowering and emotionally honest ways to experience love. And you know it? Love should be a choice. I I know that love gets very romanticized because it can make up for all the love that we didn't receive as a child or you know, or just thinking, hey, I got it right, and everything's perfect and everything's gonna line up. Let's

Why Fate Feels So Real

SPEAKER_00 2:38

talk about why the faded narrative about love, the faded love narrative feels so true. If you're intuitive, you've likely felt connections that deemed are are just seen beyond logic. You've walked into a room and known someone mattered. You've experienced instant recognition, yes. Emotional death, that feels ancient, energetic pull that feels magnetic, and synchronicities that feel almost scripted. And because of that, it's easy to interpret connection as destiny. But connection is not the same as compatibility, and intensity is not the same as alignment. It isn't, but we think it should be fireworks because we've been told these things, these are social constructs. But what it means requires discernment. Your nervous system, your past experiences, your emotional patterns, and your intuitive sensitivity all contribute to how you experience people. So when something feels powerful, it doesn't automatically mean this is a person I'm meant to be with forever. It may mean this is someone who activates something important in me, you know, and that is what it can mean sometimes. And a lot of people don't realize that or know the difference, and they could get stuck in a bad situation because they feel this connection, this chemistry. They think, oh, it all worked out somehow, some way. And it won't without effort, without you know, using discernment and wondering should you be with that person. Always use your power of discernment. We have it, but it is only as good as we're willing to look at it and be, you know, able to heal some things about ourselves, but it's there, you know.

Recognition Versus Real Commitment

SPEAKER_00 4:43

So let's talk about the difference between recognition and choice. Let's separate two things that often get blended together recognition and commitment. Recognition is what you feel. It's the spark, the pull, the familiarity, the emotional opening. That's the spark, right? But commitment is what you choose. One doesn't lead to the other. The spark doesn't lead to commitment. You choose commitment. It has to be a choice that you choose daily. It is that is very important to understand. And this is where many intuitive spiritual and pathic people lose their power. They trust the recognition, yes, been there, but they don't consciously engage in the choosing. Instead they wait, they hope, they interpret, they try to wreath the connection instead of uh participating and building in it. But lasting love is not built on recognition alone. It is built on consistency, emotional safety, shared values, mutual effort, grounded communication. These are the things that build a relationship no matter what, no matter who you choose to be with, and you always have a choice. You don't accidentally build a life with someone. You choose it again and again. We choose who we want to be with. One thing I've always heard from long-term partners, because I'm nosy, I always ask people what makes them stay together. They go, We choose each other every day. It's a choice, it's not a hope or a wish or and we communicate that clearly. We communicate our needs, we listen to each other, we hear each other. These are the foundation of a great long-term relationship. So that is important to remember. You don't accidentally build a life with someone, you choose it again and again.

How The Fated Story Disempowers

SPEAKER_00 7:14

So let's talk about why fated love can actually disempower you. Because it can. The ideal that love is purely faded can quietly remove your agency, takes away your power. Because if someone is meant for you, then you may tolerate misalignment, and people do. You may override your body's signals, you may stay stronger, you may stay longer than is healthy. You know, a lot of people stay longer. You may interpret struggle as part of the story. So many people do that. Yeah, you know, I remember in my twenties, I did a little bit of that, and then I woke up and you know, I even had a friend when we were in our 30s, she just kept on taking so much from a guy, and she said, Well, we're meant to be together, we're meant to be together, and this person was disrespecting her, and I just had to mind my business because it was none of my business. Um, a lot of times people forget that, you know, that you don't have to tolerate stuff, or that suffering is our struggle as part of your love story. It shouldn't be like major struggle, little things, right? Little communication issues, little financial things. Some you know, sometimes you hear a great story how we got together and we only have pennies and we built a you know a great business and a great life. That stuff can be okay. But know the difference. If something's hurting you, that's not it. So especially if you're empathic, you may feel deeply connected to someone's pain, potential, or past. Because how do most empaths form from traumatic childhood? And so you will be connected to someone's mo wounds. That's why I knew I needed a lot of therapy, because I was connected to a lot of people's wounds, and I was so empathetic, and I was gonna suffer in life if I didn't fix that. And that can feel like this must be meaningful, this must be part of something bigger, because everybody just wants to hit the jackpot and find the one. This must be the one, you know, hit the lottery. But here is the grounded truth. A relationship is not validated by how intense it feels. No, it is validated by how sustainable it is. You're not here to decode love, you're here to participate in it consciously, and that's knowing the difference. You know, you're not here to decode it, to figure it out, try to figure out if this is where you you know you're meant to be, and this is how it's supposed to be, and you know, you're s you have to look at it daily and really discern. And being honest, and sometimes it's hard because I hear people say I'm just not ready to let go yet. And so I try to help them unwind and peel off the layers of why, why they don't want to let go yet, and do some somatic work around it. And you know, if a person isn't ready to let go and things are bad, things can get worse. I know that a lot of times we're told if somebody loves you, they're going to move mountains, and if they want to, they will. But if someone's wounded, unhealed, and they haven't gone to therapy for themselves, they're not gonna magically just fix themselves to be in this relationship with you. And it's not because they don't love you, they've got to work on themselves. And a lot of people think, well, if this person loves me, they come around, they get it, they see it. But the problem is usually deeper than what's seen. And so we have to let go of this romantic love that interferes with the decisions that we make. And I never tell people who to be with, who not to be with. I read the situation, I tell them, ask yourself, does this work for you? Does that work for you? You know, because uh I believe everybody has common sense to some degree. Sometimes we ignore our common sense, but people know what's going on. No one's tr stupid. We call people stupid in society, but people aren't stupid. There's just other things going on that's interfering with their judgment.

The Questions That Reveal Alignment

SPEAKER_00 11:49

So let's talk about choosing the one as an empowered act. When you shift from finding to choosing, everything changes. Because we do have free will in our life. Choosing someone means you are not asking, are they destined for me? You know, we we do have to move that out of our language, especially in the spiritual community. You're asking, do I feel safe being myself with them? Do you? That's most important. How do you feel when you're around them? Can you be yourself? Do you feel safe to communicate your needs? Are you worried about upsetting them? Are you holding back? You know, do you feel like they're easily triggered? You're also asking, can my nervous system relax around them? Can you relax and be comfortable around this person? That is very important because a lot of people are still replaying some past trauma or chaos they grew up with and they're dating chaotic people, they're continuing the story, and you don't want to continue that story. And ask yourself, are they emotionally available? Because some people just aren't, and a lot of people on these dating sites aren't emotionally available, they don't even know what they're looking for, just they're just on there. Do they take responsibility for themselves? Are they gonna blame you? Are they gonna make excuses? What are they going to do when there's a tough moment? Will they own their stuff? Will they communicate clearly that they understand their responsibility in all aspects of their lives because you want to look at their character overall? And you want to ask yourself, do we move through conflict with respect? Or does conflict become punishing or the silent treatment? There's a lot of that going on right now. It's unfortunate, but a lot of people use this silent treatment as a form of control. And they're like, I decide if we talk again, and it's wanting to punish the person and making the person anxious to wonder if they're ever going to hear from this person again. Yeah, you know, so can you guys communicate through conflict and not call each other names or punish each other or hurt each other or try to destroy each other? And ask, is this something my body can sustain? Not just what my heart feels. Do you feel like you could continue with this person long term? Do you feel like it'd be good to continue with them? Is it stressing you out? Is it making you sick? Is it making you wonder? And yes, we all have to do our own inner work too. And choosing is not about perfection, it's about alignment. It's about saying, I see you clearly. Not idolize them, not project it onto them, and I choose you with awareness. That's what choosing is going in with your eyes open, not with this fantasy. And you know, sadly, women, we are groomed to get a knight in shining armor, a prince charming, someone who's gonna rescue us, save us, make us feel whole and complete. It's still woven in you know, some women, and you know, we're kind of teetering on it not being so much, but it's still there. And you know, we have to get away from that. Are someone completing us? No, you gotta be whole and they're the icing on the cake. That's what's important. And just as important as I choose myself enough to walk away if this is not aligned. Can you do that? Because this is where the power lives. Can you walk away when things are bad, when things are uncomfortable? Or are you gonna stay because you feel like you guys are destined? You know, and and you know, we're in a different era now. A lot of us have parents and grandparents where they knew somebody for two weeks, they got married and they stayed together. We don't know what went on in the marriage, but they stayed together. And now because of online dating, because of tr the frequency of travel, you know, we have shows like Ninety Day Fiance, we have so many ways of meeting people, and we see relationships come and go for some people, and they go get married, and two years later they're divorced, sometimes they need to be, sometimes not. They could have worked it out, who knows? And we see people who stay too long where they shouldn't stay, and they can cause themselves a lot of harm. So you want to always wake up and go, it should I still be choosing this person? And ask yourself, do they work for you? Is it true alignment? A lot of people hang on because they think nobody else is coming, and so they stay. But you know, even if you don't find another partner right away, do not stay where it's not working because it's gonna blow up eventually, and I've seen that over and over.

Love As Co-Creation With Effort

SPEAKER_00 17:28

Well, so let's talk about love as co-creation, not a discovery. Love is not something you stumble upon fully formed, it is something you build. Two people can meet, feel a spark for each other, and go in completely different directions depending on their choices. The one is not pre-selected, the one is created through mutual effort, right? Both parties gotta put in the effort. Shared direction. Are you on the same path? You know, a cool thing I think to do when you're dating someone and you guys agree that you really like each other is to go to couples counseling. I think that's good. People normally go once the problem happens, but I think that it's good to go before, so it doesn't have to get to be a problem. I love Lewis Howes, and I've watched him and listened to him for a long time. I love how when he met his wife, Martha, he said early on they knew they had issues with other relationships and they wanted to be healed and pass that, and he asked her to go to therapy with them. And look, they're happily married with twins. And they seem to generally love each other. It doesn't look like for sure. It looks like they choose each other. It it just looks beautiful to watch them, and it could look like destiny, and it probably is in some ways, but they're also choosing it and putting in the work to make it beautiful, and so also remember the one is created through emotional maturity and consistent presence. So you want mutual effort, shared direction, emotional maturity, and consistent presence. That's how you create the one. That doesn't make love less magical, it makes it more real, more stable, more respectful, more sustainable. And for someone who is sensitive and intuitive, this kind of love doesn't overwhelm your system, it supports it. And that's important. That is so important to look at it that way. And so I hope I gave you something to think on. You know, because a lot of people get scared, are they picking the right partner? Are they making a mistake? You know, uh should they wait for someone else? And if you're thinking, is this the right partner? Maybe they're not. And it's not because you haven't found the one and there isn't sparks and stuff, maybe there's something else going on. We need to stop looking for chemistry and sparks and look for that mutual connection, that understanding, that respect for other things.

Slow Down Spot Red Flags

SPEAKER_00 20:20

So I'm gonna close this out. So if you've been waiting to find the one, this is your invitation to shift. You're not searching for a missing piece, you are discerning who you are willing to build a life with. You are allowed to feel connection, you're allowed to feel deft, but you are also allowed to choose with clarity. Love is not something that happens to you, it is something that you participate in. And that means you're not at the mercy of fate. You're a part of the creation. You get to choose. You know, we always have choice and we don't want to take our choice away from ourselves. So instead of asking, is this person the one? Ask, is this someone I would consciously choose again and again based on how we actually show up together. Sit with that, be honest about that. Because if there are red flags going off, pay attention to them. See if it's something that can be fixed. If not, you know to step away from this connection. So sit with this, because that question will tell you far more truth than any feeling ever could. Because feelings are great, but sometimes they get messy and the wires get crossed. Right? And sometimes it could be our old trauma coming up. It can be, you know, i it's not a trauma. Bond because trauma bond is between like an abuser and the person being abused. You you know, and sometimes that can happen in a romantic relationship, but you know, ask yourself, is this what I would want to live with? And allow yourself time. A lot of people want to move too fast. They want to meet the person, know they're engaged for three or four months, start living together, get married, and have a family because they've been tired of waiting. But you have to move slow no matter how old you are. You have to move slow, let some time develop, see the personality evolve, right? See who they are, see how they handle things, how they handle tough moments, good moments when they don't get their way, when they hear no or yes, and you know, see how they judge people. Do they look down on certain people? You know, because that's very telling also. All of this is very telling. Allow yourself to know someone fully instead of I feel this love chemistry. I think I found the one because then we start excusing things. Don't excuse anything. Definitely look at all of it. So please like, share, and subscribe. I want to thank you for listening. Have a great day, and I will see you in the next episode.