If They Loved Me, They’d Know”: The Relationship Cost of Staying Silent

Silence can feel like the “safe” choice, but it’s often the first step toward emotional distance. I’m Dr. Donna, and I’m talking about a pattern I see again and again in relationships: avoidance. Not the loud kind, not the dramatic kind, but the quiet kind where you keep your needs to yourself, hope your partner will magically understand, and tell yourself it’s not worth the discomfort.

We get into why couples avoid difficult conversations in the first place, including fear of abandonment, fear of conflict, fear of rejection, and the old conditioning that honesty leads to chaos or punishment. I explain how emotional suppression shows up as “I don’t want to start a fight,” “It’s not a big deal,” or “If they loved me, they’d already know,” and why that mindset creates resentment instead of closeness. We also talk about how disconnection happens gradually, why silence is not always peace, and how one partner can quietly grieve the relationship long before anyone says the words out loud.

Then we name the conversations many couples skip because they feel too vulnerable: feeling lonely, not feeling prioritized, not feeling emotionally safe to tell the truth, intimacy and attraction issues, and the resentments that build from small hurts that never get repaired. I also address how avoidance can create emotional starvation that increases the risk of emotional affairs, while being very clear that cheating is still a choice. The takeaway is simple and powerful: emotionally mature couples don’t fear conflict as much as they fear avoidance, and emotional safety is what makes truth possible.

If this resonates, listen all the way through and sit with the reflection prompt at the end. Subscribe, share the episode with someone who needs it, and leave a review so more people can find the show.

Transcript

Why Avoidance Breaks Love

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, it's Dr. Donna and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. As you know, I talk about everything from the spiritual, the woo-woo, to social situations, life situations, and today we're talking about something that quietly destroys many relationships long before cheating happens, long before separation happens, long before anyone says, I'm unhappy. We're talking about avoidance, and I see a lot of this in my work. And a lot of times people are hoping that the other person can read their mind, or if the person loves them, they're gonna say the right things and everything to be okay and they can avoid expressing themselves. Or I hear people say, Well, I want them to fall in love with me first, then I will express myself. So I've always seen it. I'm sure you know anybody who do similar work will see this, but I see it on a big scale. People are afraid to talk in their relationships because they're afraid of abandonment. You know, they're afraid of what they can lose, and so they're self-abandoning in order to prevent being abandoned by the other person. Now, the reason why I'm talking about this now is because although it's always been an issue, I saw a clip where Oprah was discussing it just like a short one where she said, you know, I'm surprised how many people aren't talking in their relationship, something to that effect. And I said, you know, I need to talk about this more. I do a little bit here and there, but I really hope that people will listen to these things. Sometimes we only want to listen to things that are easy and make us feel good, but this is so important because I've seen it where people didn't address communication issues or one partner didn't talk, and then that's how the affairs start. That's how you know the breakup starts, something happens, or the person can be, you know, in the relationship for many years and then all of a sudden ghost because and then resentment builds, right? You want to talk, they don't want to talk, vice versa, it gets messy. So when we're talking about avoidance, that's the conversations couples are not having. Because most relationships do not end in one traumatic moment, they rarely end like that. They slowly weaken through emotional disconnection, through silence, through things left unsaid, through resentment that was never addressed. Yes, through needs that were never spoken clearly. And for many couples, especially emotionally sensitive people, avoidance can feel safer than honesty. But it creates distance, and eventually that distance becomes loneliness inside the relationship is itself. I've seen it many, many, many times over 24 years. And let's talk about

The Fears Behind Staying Quiet

SPEAKER_00 3:20

why couples avoid difficult conversations, because a lot of people do. They're scared to speak up, although they're frustrated, and they know they need to address an issue because the issue is getting bigger. Most people are not avoiding difficult conversations because they do not care, they are avoiding them because they are afraid, afraid of conflict. They just don't want conflict with their romantic partner, rejection, you know, emotional overwhelm, hurting the other person, abandonment is probably the biggest one, and being misunderstood, and triggering disconnection. A lot of times, especially for women, when women don't talk, you know, they're trying to keep their partner comfortable and thinking that they don't want to be a bother because they want to be different from other women and they want them to stay. And sometimes I hear from people they're like, I spoke up, I feel so uncomfortable, and so I just do some somatic work with them, you know, so that they can feel better. Some people learned growing up that honesty caused chaos. Some learned that emotional needs were too much, you know, they went through it as children, you know, and you just learn to be quiet, you learn to not be too much. Some learned that speaking up created punishment, withdrawal, or criticism. So instead of learning healthy communication, they learned emotional suppression. Yes. And this can show up in relationships as I don't want to start a fight. That's a big one. Sometimes another partner will just go off, and then you have to look at why am I with someone who just will start fighting every time I speak my truth. It's not a big deal, they say that. I just let it go. I don't know how to explain what I feel. Or if they really loved me, they will already know. Yes, that's a big one. But that's actually asking someone to read your mind. They cannot. Can you read their mind? No, so why should they be able to read yours? But emotional avoidance does not remove problems, it doesn't, it only makes them bigger. At first, it may bury them alive, and buried emotions don't disappear, they accumulate, they get bigger, right? And then you get an explosive situation, and I've seen it so many times in so many ways.

How Distance Builds In Silence

SPEAKER_00 6:02

Let's talk about emotional distance and how it happens gradually. Most people do not wake up one morning emotionally disconnected. Disconnection happens slowly. A partner stops bringing something up, they stop trying to explain, then they stop expecting change, then eventually they stop emotionally reaching altogether. They just don't try anymore. And this is the part many couples miss. Silence is not always peace. Sometimes the other person's like, Yeah, they let that go, they stop thinking about it. No. Sometimes silence is just resigning to the fact of this is how it is. And sometimes silence means I no longer feel emotionally safe enough to try. You're done trying. I've seen people try over and over, and other person's like, Yeah, whatever. And then the relationship blows up, so or somebody has an affair. This is why some people are shocked when their partner leaves. Because they will. They thought, Wow, I stayed quiet and everything. I did what it took to keep them here and they still left. Oh my gosh. Right? Because internally everything looked externally everything looked fine. There were no major fights, no dramatic explosions. But internally, one person had already been grieving the relationship for months or years. The relationship slowly became emotionally unattended, like a garden that was never watered. And you think about it, you know, it's like you just give up. And so you check out. You feel like your voice isn't gonna be heard. And this is probably why some women end up in affairs, because if they're not heard, they're gonna find somebody who's gonna listen to them. I'm not talking about any of this, make it right. It's not about right or wrong right now, it's about prevention, it's about healing, it's about different ways of fixing situations and understanding what happens when we don't speak up. You still kill the relationship, you do not save

The Conversations Couples Skip

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it. So the conversation couples often avoid. Let's talk about the kind of conversations couples commonly avoid, not because they are insignificant, but because they are vulnerable. I feel lonely with you. Out of times, people don't say this in a relationship, they're scared to say it, you know, and this is one of the hardest things to admit because it feels terrifying to say I am physically beside you, but emotionally alone. Another one is I do not feel prioritized. Sometimes people do not need grand gestures, they need consistency, presence, attention, effort. And when that slowly disappears, resentment grows quietly. Let's talk about the I do not feel emotionally safe telling you the truth. This is for a lot of people. This conversation requires tremendous maturity from both people because emotional safety is not can I say whatever I want. It is can I tell you the truth without fear of punishment, ridicule, shut down, or emotional abandonment. Conversations about intimacy and attraction. Many couples avoid discussing unmet sexual needs. That's a big one. They just don't discuss it because they don't want to upset their partner. Emotional disconnection during intimacy, feeling undesired, feeling rejected, loss of attraction, and differing needs. And avoidance here can create deep emotional isolation. And it will. Conversations about resentment. Resentment is rarely created in one moment. It builds over time. It forms through repeated emotional experiences that were never repaired. Small disappointments they add up, small hurts, small dismissals, repeated over time, and eventually unspoken resentment turns into emotional numbness. You just numb out, you check out, and then you're just kind of like done, right? You're just like, what's the point? So

When Avoidance Opens The Door

SPEAKER_00 11:02

let's talk about how avoidance can lead to cheating, because it does. Remember, when you work on a psychic hotline, you're gonna talk to a lot of people having affairs, and you can sit there and go, it's right, it's wrong, and we know that. We know it's not a good idea. Usually no one's happy in the affair situation, you know, but they're doing it, and the whole thing is to prevent it, and so communication is one way to prevent it. Cheating is complex, and not every situation is the same, but many emotional affairs begin long before physical betrayal, they often begin with emotional starvation. The person in the relationship feels unseen, unheard, emotionally disconnected, unimportant, unwanted, alone inside the relationship. Because when people have unhealed trauma and they're not able to communicate, and even the person who doesn't know how to communicate can end up having an affair because they're just looking for a way to avoid communicating, right? Or the person who's been waiting for communication, they can have affair because they're tired. So instead of addressing the relationship directly, they seek emotional relief elsewhere. Someone listens, someone notices them, someone asks questions, someone makes them feel emotionally alive again. And because the primary relationship lacked honest communication, the emotional vulnerability gets redirected outside the partnership. Now this is important. Avoidance does not excuse cheating. We're not excusing anything. I'm just telling you why it happens. Cheating is still a choice, but understanding the emotional conditions that create vulnerability matters because prevention is not just about loyalty, it is about emotional maintenance. That is important. Relationships require ongoing emotional honesty. Without it, distance grows, and emotional distance creates openings. It does and it will. Emotionally

Emotional Safety Over Perfect Harmony

SPEAKER_00 17:49

mature couples understand conflict itself is not the threat. It isn't. Avoidance is. Communication does. The goal is to create enough emotional safety that truth can exist inside the relationship. That is the goal, not just to be in love and everybody go, Oh, you're so cute together. Because silence may feel easier in the moment. And it does. But unspoken pain eventually speaks through distance and there will be distance through resentment, through disconnection, and sometimes through betrayal. Yeah, an unfair can happen. It just can. And being honest about that is how you prevent it instead of avoiding and going, How could this happen? You know, there's many reasons why people do it, but it's to look at is this person at risk for doing it. I even think that's why premarital counseling is good, or couples who plan to stay together, even if you don't want to get married, do some counseling. And so it's sometimes through endings that could have been prevented by honesty much earlier. Just being honest. A lot of people could end up staying together, being okay. Love does not survive through assumption. Love can't survive through assumption, and just because someone loves you, they will know they will. You can actually have some of your greatest breakthroughs if you address a tough situation, and you can become stronger, more empowered, and handle more things and have closeness with people instead of avoiding thinking that you're keeping the closeness, you can have more closeness.

Reflection Prompt And Final Ask

SPEAKER_00 21:44

I actually have a reflection prompt to share. I want you to think about this. What conversation have you been avoiding in your relationship because you fear the discomfort of honest? And what might become possible if truth felt safer than silence? So think about it. And this can go not just for romantic relationships, this can go for the relationships with the parents, the friends, whoever. But today we're talking about romantic relationships, but this can go for any situation. What conversation have you been avoiding in your relationship because you fear discomfort of honesty? And what might become possible if truth felt safer than silence? Think about it, think on it. It's very important to know this and to explore this. And if you can, you can have a breakthrough that you desire. So this concludes this episode. I want to thank you for listening. Have a great day. Please like, share, subscribe. I'm trying to grow because I love what I do. I love the podcast. And have a great day. I will see you in the next episode.