Demons, Addiction, and Faith | Jamie’s Recovery Story

 Jamie shares a powerful story of addiction, abuse, psychosis, losing custody, and how faith became the foundation of her recovery and survival. 

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Dragon Fruit Flower

If Only They Knew

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

Their dad had told them that there were millions of demons actively climbing over the back fence to come take him to hell. And I grabbed him and I just held him in this like tight embrace. And I said, You have to remember to pray in the name of Jesus. This is Hard Knocks Talks.

SPEAKER_02 0:18

Jamie, welcome to the podcast.

SPEAKER_03 0:20

Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 0:20

Let's let's not waste any time. Let's jump into it. Um when did substances start coming into your life?

SPEAKER_03 0:27

Um, I was older. I want to say I was like 19 or 21, maybe even later. So it was like 2000, 2011, 2012.

SPEAKER_02 0:38

Um, like that's late comparatively to a lot of the people that come on the show here. Uh it's um typically 12, 13 years old. Like, did you have a pretty solid upbringing? Was that something that wasn't really in your life?

SPEAKER_03 0:51

There was no substance abuse or really any um drinking or anything in my childhood. I was born and raised in um South Orange County, California, um, before it became the Orange County that it is now. Um, but it was a quiet little suburb. Um my parents, you know, it was average, two and a half kids, you know, the per it was perfect from the outside. It really was. Um I I started smoking weed when I was 19. And then I went, I went straight from there to um police genetic. I got into like the rave scene and um just club scene. I was dating a DJ, um, got engaged to marry him after like eight months. Um, and it was pretty abusive. It was very, very abusive. And you know, it all starts the same. He's great, he's funny, he's nice and smart and good looking, and um, we moved in together, and I realized he had like a debilitating um addiction to porn. And that's about the time that uh I got introduced to Crystal Meth. His porn addiction and sex addiction was through the roof. I mean, he became so like obsessive, and um, I mean, he got this look in his eyes, and and people didn't know that's what was going on. But when he changed like that, people were afraid of him and it became like an everyday thing. He he was essentially, by definition, raping me every single night. I mean, he was backing me into a corner and basically telling me I couldn't get out unless I did what he wanted, you know. So, so, anyways, I got out. So I moved in with a mutual friend of ours. Everybody stopped talking to this man when I split up with him, which was a good clear validation to me that I made the right choice. And to be honest with you, that time is like it's like this sweet spot of addiction. And I'm not advocating for addiction, but I'm I'm trying to explain it's like the golden years or like the honeymoon phase of addiction.

SPEAKER_05 3:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 3:10

I had just broken free from hell. I have this new best friend who just gets me inside and out. She gets me. She she left her dude, and you know, we we were we called ourselves the singletons. Um, and we were single and we were going out and we were partying, and we were wearing next to nothing. I mean, we were wearing lingerie to the clubs, and we were high, and it was amazing. It was it was an incredible time until it came crumbling down. So everything is great, and I'm thinking, man, I think I'm one of those people that can manage this, you know. The the girl I was living with, she ended up getting into like a little bit of psychosis. Um, and she was convinced that I had stolen drugs from her. And I I had not. I didn't even know where her drugs were. She made a whole big scene about it. Like, and that night I went home with another man who was at that party. Uh, I introduced this man to to Crystal Meth, and we would be up. I it was a whole new honeymoon phase. I mean, I had this new dude, you know, it was like this perfect agreement of friends with benefits, you know, we would it was what everybody imagines that to be. Like we would go party and and with all these friends, and we would either come home to each other or he would go somewhere else because I didn't I didn't have anyone. Um, I was in love with him. I was just his the his back burner, you know, for when there was nothing else. So, so anyways, that I was with him for a long, long time and the drugs got bad, bad, bad. Um, we were living in his grandma's house. Um his grandma was in a nursing home at this time, but we were living in this little addition upstairs, and it was a beautiful house downstairs. And this addition, where it was like we called it, we called it Rage Cage One. Throughout our addiction, we've called our places of residence Rage Cage One, two, three, four, and so on. So, anyways, this was at Rage Cage One, and the carpet was torn up in strips. It's like somebody took a knife and like, I don't know, cut out strips of carpet. And then there's just like the boards underneath. Um, there's holes in the wall from um oh, he got mad one night and just like knee knee the wall. His whole knee went right through the wall. Um, there's trash everywhere. We weren't eating, but there was like a bowl of cereal that was like months old. Um just to paint the picture. I mean, it was bad. There was no furniture, and like as we lived there, like things started disappearing and we didn't know how they left. Like, I don't know if we were selling them or I mean, like big pieces of furniture would be gone and we couldn't remember what happened. That's how sick we were. So we would stay up night after night after night. And um, anyways, I uh there was a time where I did leave him and move back to my parents' house. Um only to like the next day find out I was pregnant. Um and I told my mom and she said, You have an abortion and you can stay here. You have that baby and you leave. Um, and I didn't know what to do. I did the math and I I'm pretty sure the baby was conceived on 13 different um controlled substances of every kind. I mean, you name it, that was in my bloodstream when that baby was conceived. But I scheduled an abortion, I hung up, and I want to say maybe 10 minutes went by. And um, they called me back and said that that was gonna put me past 22 weeks. And uh 22 weeks after that, it's illegal. And that's how my daughter got here. She is perfect, she is so perfect. Um blows my mind every day how perfect she is. So, but I did have to leave. I had to leave my parents' house. She, my mom stuck to what she said. I found myself sleeping in my car, um, almost 20 weeks pregnant, and um the man who his name is Evan, I can just say that. Um, he had contacted his father, who he hadn't talked to in I think maybe 10 years, but he asked his dad if he could help me, and his dad took me in. And so I was there until I was super, super pregnant. I want to say like eight months pregnant, living in a stranger's house, stranger even to the man who referred me to him. Um, it was just crazy. And so, anyways, um, we had our daughter, and I was still doing this back and forth thing. I would get clean, I would go back home, I would get, you know, I would, it was stupid. And I and that's that's like a big part of the sickness too. It's like you get trapped in this cycle of like psyching yourself out and thinking you're okay. Um, so anyways, this time I had a pretty good run. I I I took our daughter home and and it was like such a beautiful time, you know. I I also had quit everything the day I found out I was pregnant, and I don't even know how I did it that with such ease. It just the fact that she was inside me and had no control over what gets into her bloodstream. It just it was easy. Um, and so I, of course, I relapsed after we had her. And so at this time I was back home and I was maybe like two weeks clean, maybe three. And I was still talking to her dad, um, who wanted to obviously have visitation with her. But um I didn't want to leave her with him because he was so twacked out. I mean, all the like 24-7, he was still deep, deep in it. You know, he was probably a hundred pounds. And um, you know, he was living in a trap house. That's the big reason why I moved back to my parents. I made that choice, is because there was a time where I saw a baggie of cocaine that was spilled on top of the dresser, and it was right next to a tub of formula that was spilled and mixed into the cocaine, and I couldn't figure out what was what. So, anyways, I was home and I was clean. He was using, he he had just kind of given me a whole sob story as addicts do when, you know, somebody's telling them to get clean. You know, all the water works come out, and it's like, oh, they're a victim. And um, and I understood all of that that he was saying. I actually felt it, you know, because I experienced it myself. Like I had been there with people telling me to get clean, and I just wanted them to say the right thing that that would help me. I invited her dad over and I said, Bring what you want. We will have one last hurrah, and I'm gonna get you clean and I'm gonna walk through this with you. I just did it. It's possible. I'm gonna hold your hand. You know, it's so stupid thinking about it now, but it was a genius idea at the time. Um, the baby was crying on the on the baby monitor, and I looked at him and I said, You're up, like you're gonna take care of her. Um, but he was in the bathroom shooting up. So I went upstairs to handle things. She had finished her bottle, right? Um, so I went and I grabbed a bottle of propel, and then I heard her moving around on the baby monitor, like crazy, like moving around, moving around, moving around, not crying, just like so busy. And it took me like three seconds before it all flashed in front of my eyes, what I had just done. Because my plan to help get him clean, which is the way I did it myself just a few weeks earlier, was that I would scrape the residue out of a meth pipe and dump it into a bottle of water. So my strategy with these things was to sip on it throughout the next few days and just slowly put more time between sips. That's how I got clean a lot, actually, most of the times. So that was my plan with him until I realized that I had put the meth water in the baby bottle. I couldn't drive because I was shaking like I am now, talking about it. I was trembling. I couldn't, I couldn't grab a steering wheel. I could barely even hold her. Um, I said, you have to drive me. And he said, only under one condition. He said, I drop you off, and you say that I was not involved. I said, yep, fine, get us to the hospital. So he dropped us off, and I had full intention of giving that story. I promised him I didn't care, I was gonna take the hit. It all left my mind when they asked me at the check-in what the problem was, and I tried to whisper it, but they didn't hear me. I tried to whisper it again, he didn't hear me. He said, Can you please speak up? And I dropped to my knees with my baby in my arms and I screamed, my baby's on meth. Please help me. I screamed it. And they took me into another room, and uh sheriffs came, CPS came. They let me sit with her while they uh monitored her. And I just kept seeing it in my eyes. It would flash the bottle, the bottle, the bottle, the fridge, the bottle, the baby. And um I didn't know what I was gonna do. They took her from us. Um, I I told the complete truth to everybody who asked me. I didn't leave a single thing out. It was almost too much truth. I just wanted them to know that I wasn't trying to be sneaky. So, anyways, we lost custody. I got her back in seven months, only under the agreement of reunification. See, I thought this was gonna be my chance to get away from him. I thought this was gonna be my chance, where he would just go off the deep end and I would have this baby and things would be okay. But the CPS involved with the court case, they they strongly suggest reunification with families, regardless of addiction or not, which I think is a complete and total flaw. They want families to be together, of course. It sounds lovely, but they I couldn't articulate to them that that is where everything goes bad, is when we are together. I didn't, I chose not to, because they said if you do this, you can have her back, and I did it, and I faked it, and we got her back, and um, I got pregnant again. So we got our little boy out of it, and then we moved to Texas, and this is where things get real crazy. Um, we were living under a bridge in a in an apartment complex, but it was like this everyday average, nothing special apartment for$2,600 a month, and we had to like duct tape our refrigerator shut and like glue the sticky floor back down. Like it was it was not ideal. And we were, of course, still using, we relapsed, and um, that's when his psychosis really kicked in. Um, he would start seeing the paranoia came actually first, and it would be paranoia about me cheating. He would accuse me and accuse me and accuse me, and he would think I was hiding people in the in the closet and stuff, and he would get stuck where he would turn in these like circles. But he would come at me and he would think I was hiding cell phones and like bartering for drugs in the parking lot. And I mean, his paranoia was out of this world. Um literally. Um, and it got to a point where I didn't want the kids to hear us in that type of argument. Like he would get very angry, and they would even ask what where what was wrong with daddy because his voice would change, his eyes would change, the shoulders would change. Here I am again, you know, again. And I was and now I had these two children to to shelter from this, right? And and he's he's starting to hallucinate these like demonic manifestations. I mean, they're they're starting to have detail like gremlins and trolls and stuff. And I would ask him about them. Um, and he he would say that they they want me gone and that I'm I'm cheating and I'm sneaking around. And he would think I was hiding things inside me. Like he would have me strip naked, he would look and feel inside me and then lock me in a bathroom, lights off, and wouldn't let me make a peep until he had basically secured the perimeter of the house. And um, I mean, if I cleared my throat in that bathroom or like used the toilet, I mean, he would freak out, jump in, and it would all start over. It would all start over. So I found myself having to just submit to his like interrogations because I didn't want the kids to hear his, he he had a scary voice when he was like this. Um, you know, and I this the hardest thing to admit, I think, throughout this whole story is how I neglected my children. And I feel like I spent all day, every day trying to comfort their dad and get him sane just so I could go be with them. But it's like I never got to them. Like I never got to them until he fell asleep, and that was my safety. Um I had uh started taking everybody to church and we learned about um it was like I would quit every like four days for like two days at this point. It was this weird every day was different. So yes, um, and they were talking about uh when children have nightmares, and mind you, I have really never set foot in a church, but here I am dealing with something that I know in my soul is not of this world. Like I looked into his eyes, something was not right, and I couldn't explain it, and so I went to church. And um, they were saying, like, when your children have nightmares, to touch them and pray in the name of Jesus. And um, so, anyways, that night he started slipping into that weird psychosis again, and uh I I finally coaxed him back into bed, which took sometimes it took all day. Like I just had to agree to all his shenanigans. And if he could finally get in bed, I realized and I would hover my hand above him and I would say, In Jesus' name, darkness be gone. I didn't read that anywhere, nobody told me, but I believe that the Lord gave it to me. Cause that prayer has gotten my family through some crazy stuff. Because if I could hover my hand above him and say that prayer, he would not move. He will go to sleep and he would wake up fine. Unfortunately, he was either lying about it or truly didn't remember. But I would try to um explain it to him and he would never remember, or that's what he said. Um, so, anyways, we are in Texas and we're we're still we're still using. And he starts hallucinating this demon behind me in a backpack, like a baby in a backpack. I don't know what. He would also hallucinate like a demon head behind my head, and he would tell me about these in detail, and he would say, They want me gone. They want you gone, they want you gone, they don't like you. And I wasn't scared, I wasn't seeing them. I thought this guy was nuts, you know. And I'm like, I just want to be here and help talk him through it. So one night I tried to say, um, can they hear me? Like, can I communicate with them through you? And he said yes. So I said, Listen, it doesn't bother me that you're here. But if you if you want me gone, you're gonna have to leave because this is my house. And that's when I thought I had like a muscle twitch because I like my, you know, my arm like twitched. I said again, I said, if you want me gone, you have to move me out yourself. And that's when I got shoved right off my bed. He was next to me, but I know it, I know it wasn't him. He didn't move a muscle. And I know it wasn't my muscle twitch because I just knew that the force came from outside my body, like I was pushed, and um yeah, that's when the whole reality of the spirit world, I woke up to it. And um, anyways, there it went on like that for for a very long time, and he started just getting more angry during the day. I did, there was a time where I I ended up getting a job. Uh, every time I came home from that job, there was some sort of catastrophe, like the kids were hurt or like something broke. Um, and there was a night, um, it was a bar gig, and I was doing like beer demos at a bar um at a bar in San Antonio, and uh there was two guys at the bar. It was like a random Wednesday or something. And so I was talking to these two guys, and they seemed nice. They were just locals, and we got talking about family. I ended up talking so much about. My perfect husband and my perfect kids and my perfect family, and we got our perfect house. And I was explaining to them the life that I wanted, you know, and I just was pretending that it was mine, and it felt so good. And these guys became my friends, and they kept asking me if I could have a shot with them. And I kept saying, No, I can't. I can't, I'm technically on the clock. I can't do that. Um, so finally when my shift was over, it was like one o'clock in the morning, and I the bar was open for another hour. They said, All right, you're off. Let's do a shot. And they had it ready for me already. So I did that shot. And uh it was Jaeger, and I love Jaeger. And it didn't taste like Jaeger. And I said something about it. I said that didn't taste like Jaeger, that tastes like GHB. I had tried GHB years ago. Anyways, I let it go. And the next thing I knew I was I was being raped in a uh goodwill dressing room, and I was in some sort of lingerie-like bodysuit, and this man was telling me to be quiet. Uh the next thing I remember is I was in between the back the two front seats of my own car, and a man was driving it, one of the men was driving it, and he was holding a meth pipe in front of me with a flame lit under it. And I saw that and I thought, I gotta, I gotta hit this because I gotta wake up, I gotta see where I'm at. And so I hit it. And uh my husband at the time was so angry that I was declining his calls that he disarmed my phone remotely. He left me trapped. I was in Austin, Texas at this point. My night had started in San Antonio, and I didn't know where I was. They took themselves home in my car, handed me the keys, and said, good luck. I had to feel my way home because Bob and Weave, I didn't have a map even. My phone wouldn't turn on. Um, by the time I got home, it was like three o'clock the next afternoon. My kids were terrified. He had told them that my that I was cheating on him and I found somebody else and that I was being bad. And that was kind of the first time where I was like, all right, this is not gonna end. It's just gonna keep going like this until I, until I leave. And I had started, um, I had such bad anger problems. I mean, I was so angry with him, but I couldn't ever get mad at him because he would fight back harder. And so I'm just bottling all of this up. And and his accusations would get me to a point where I would have surrendered all my electronics. I was butt naked. He had searched me inside and out. I've given him access to everything, and he has found no evidence. And when he wouldn't drop it, sometimes it would get me so angry. I probably broke my hand 20 times punching walls, and I would scream and I would have these panic attacks where I was hyperventilating, and my kids would come up to me and say, Mommy, are you gonna die? And I couldn't, and I just would scream like this rage was in me. And I thought, you know, when I did that after this night when I got home, he came up to me and he told me how horrible of a mother I was. And and every worst thing you could possibly say to me at that point was said in the worst tone. And he sensed that I was trying to think about leaving. Um, he actually took my Bible, he took my car keys, he took my phone and my shoes, and he hid them one day. And um the kids were running around. I I kind of started trying to pack up some stuff, but I realized he was on to me. And um, I was calling shelters like homeless shelters, domestic violence shelters, crisis centers. Everybody was booked. Everybody. And it just blew my mind about how many people are in a situation where I really thought my first call I'd have a place. I ended up having to call the National Hotline for Domestic Violence, and um I explained to them the story again. I mean, I had to explain the story so many times, it was exhausting. But they moved around some families in bed um in a shelter, like I don't know, 30 minutes north of where I was, and they said, come. And so um I went to my kids, and uh no, I had to get my car keys. So I had an idea of where he had my stuff hidden, which I was right, he wasn't the smartest when it came to that stuff. Um, went and grabbed my stuff. Um, and I went to the kids and I said, Who wants to go get Slurpees? Like in a really excited voice. And they go, Me. And I'm like, no, you gotta be quiet because daddy's on a call. And I said, Let's go quick before um we bother him. And so they jumped in the car and we went. Um, and that's when I started trying to um reach out to like people that would would help me, like attorneys and stuff. And I I was able to get an attorney with the with the shelter, but um, I didn't realize he my husband at the time had called his um family and they hired like a really fancy attorney. Um, he had pulled arrest records from California where I was arrested for domestic violence, but truly, uh, like the last one was I had bit him um because he had me in a chokehold. Things like that. But all it said was that I was an abuser, basically. And so I lost custody of the kids for 30 days. Um he was tracking my location somehow, and he was able to serve me a subpoena that way um for abuse and uh child abuse and infidelity, all this crazy stuff. And so I couldn't defend myself. I had to give him the kids, and that was the scariest, scariest time of my life. Um, because I didn't know what was happening. I knew he was still using, I knew he was probably still, you know, going crazy. Um, so anyways, it ended up where we were we had 50-50 custody because I had no hard evidence. I just had my word, which is so bothers me to this day. Like I would explain all these horrible things and these demon, like, you know, when you bring up demons in court, I really tried not to, but it was such a big part of the story. Like, um, it's like just people don't take it seriously. I didn't have hard copy evidence, I didn't have an incident to report. So when I had kids, we had one week on, one week off. When I had the kids, I would prepare them. I would rehearse what they would do when daddy's not daddy and they need to get help. We would rehearse what they would say to the neighbors. Um, my daddy's not okay. Can you please help? We would rehearse how they would knock on the neighbor's door if it was late at night. I taught them how to do the boom, boom, boom, crop knock. And if they don't answer, I said boom, boom, boom again. They'll think it's police and they will come. And um they would come back to me with all these stories, uh uh, just horror stories. And he was letting them like go on a major highway on scooters and bikes with no helmet, like just so careless. And the school was constantly calling me, saying he was late or wasn't picking up, just horrible things. Um, and I was I was miserable without them, just so terrified because I tried so long to shelter them from this, and then all of a sudden I had to leave them to handle it themselves. And who knows what was going on. But I was I found comfort in church. Um, and this is where everything kind of changed for me because I was going to this Bible study, and we had learned about um, or one of the verses was Jeremiah 17, 5 through 8. Um, and basically what that says is that um instead of trusting in mere humans, like for your safety and your comfort and everything about life, um, if you trust in the humans around you, um, you're basically gonna wither away and die. And putting your trust in God, you are like a tree planted by a river that is fruitful and green, you know? And so just I don't, I was in the right headspace to hear that, read that. And that drive on the way home, I basically did what I had been taught in church all these times I had gone, which is like surrender my life to him. And so on the way home, I was saying, it's yours, it's yours, it's yours, like giving my life to God, a God that I didn't really know, but I was starting to understand. Um, and I knew I had to give my kids to him. That was the hard part because I had said my life is yours before, and I was trying to like give it to God, but I hadn't given in my kids. And that night I realized, my kids, my kids, my kids, they are not mine, they are yours. Like, take them from me, please. Like, I give you their life. Um, and I kind of I basically gave God an ultimatum that night. I truly, I was gonna kill myself because I couldn't hear any more horror stories from my kids and danger they were in. I just I was so helpless. I was reaching out to CPS and child advocacy centers and police, just everyone, and nobody could help me because I didn't have an incident or to report that wasn't a childish story from a child. Um, I had I had hit it. I was at my end. I thought, if I can't help my kids, which are the only reason I'm living, why am I living? And I thought, I'm I'm gonna give, I'm gonna give God a year. Like I could feel in my heart that I really gave him my life and the kids' lives. And I thought, if he can't fix this and turn this all around in one year, I'm done. So at four o'clock the next morning, I wake up to a cop knock. And I think, oh, that's weird. They must have the wrong house for like a noise disturbance or something, and then boom, boom, boom. So I realized it was for me. And I opened the door and I see the sheriff, and in one sentence, as if it was one word, I said, Are my babies okay? What happened? He said, Yes, but you need to come get them. So I drove over to their dad's house and he was running around like a maniac in the street, just like full hallucination. Um, I asked if I could go inside because I knew he had a puppy in there. And uh I took my camera and my phone with me, and because I knew I needed evidence. I'm like, I I have got to get a picture or something. This is what everybody's been telling me. I need hard copy evidence. You will go in that house and like the couch is in the kitchen, the dining room table is like upside down under the TV. There's like dog poop and pee and kids' clothes and cups and just everything everywhere. Pots and pan, every door was open, every cabinet was open. It was like nuts. Um, I get this story from um my kids later, and and they said that he woke them up in the middle of the night, and my my daughter, she goes, I knew daddy was gone. I knew it wasn't daddy. And and for the kids to recognize that just makes it so much more real to me because all they had to do was look in his eyes and just feel his presence, and it wasn't him, and they knew it. She said, Daddy said, To get my brother, he woke him up and he said, Go get in the closet, turn the lights off, go under a blanket, be quiet. And so that's what she did. She said, So I got my baby brother and I went into the closet and we put a blanket over us and we were so scared, mommy. And she's and I said, Well, what did you do? And she goes, I prayed your prayer. She goes, I said, in Jesus' name, darkness be gone. And I said it over and over and over again. And I said, and what happened? She goes, Daddy came back. She goes, he opened the he opened the closet door, and he did what you said when we would know that daddy is back because he did it to me. He would ask for a hug. His normal voice would come back, and you could hear like the innocence in it, and he would ask for a hug. And he didn't even know why. But anyways, he oh he goes, she goes, Daddy, open the door, and he wanted to hug us. And so we hugged him and Daddy was back. Um, didn't last long, I guess. Um, he he asked them shortly after that to help him hold a mattress against a window. And this is where most people don't believe this story, especially coming from a child. But I have assured my kids that I believe every single bit of it. Um he asked them to push against a mattress that was up against the window. And when my daughter tells me this story, I know it's it's true that there was force behind that mattress. There was force. She said, I couldn't hold it. We couldn't hold it. Something was pushing us. And um she ran and uh she bolted out the front door and went to the neighbor's house, the next door neighbors. She goes, Mommy, I did the cop knock. She goes, I did it, the boom, boom, boom. And she goes, I they didn't answer. And she goes, just like you said, I went boom, boom, boom again. And they answered. And I'm like, What did you say? And she goes, My daddy's not well. Can you please help me? She did it exactly how I taught her. And um, the neighbor went over, but this is just as fascinating as the darkness part of it, because when somebody outside of our immediate circle would come in to this type of situation, he would snap out of it like nothing ever happened. And so he was somehow able to talk the neighbor to go back to the house and said he was sick or something. Um, so, anyways, I guess um my daughter and my son were sitting on the ground, and she said that my daughter said that her dad was actually vomiting in the bathroom at that point. And this happened a lot when he would get really like crazy, he would throw up. And she goes, Um, Mommy, you're not gonna believe this. And I go, Oh, yes, I will. And she said that they were pushed, they were sitting on the ground, and they were both pushed and slid across the carpet. It wasn't even like wood floor, it was carpet, and they slid across it. Um, and so she goes, That's when I went and found Daddy's phone. She found his phone, it was dead, of course. She had to go dig up a charger in a just disastrous mess. She said every Bluetooth speaker was connected to, which is what would happen at the house before I left him. Every Bluetooth device would start blasting just like crazy music. Um, so they got pushed. She she had to wait for the phone to charge. And um she called 911 and said that somebody was breaking into the house, and police were dispatched to a robbery in progress. Um, their dad had told them that there were millions of demons actively climbing over the back fence to come take him to hell. And he believed this. He fully believed this. And um he had a lot of other weird hallucinations. My daughter had kind of shared with me about like nine-foot-tall angels, like just and I believe it all. I mean, everybody has a different interpretation of what they kind of experience in their head, but I believe it. Um so the sheriff showed up, and um, that's when they came and got me. He had he had drilled a hole into the attic, into uh into the drywall to crawl into the attic because he thought the demons were hiding in pipes in the attic, which first of all, there's no pipes in the attic, but he was convinced that there were demons hiding in there, and he had fallen and hit his head, which was a it often occurred. He always fell and hit his head, chasing demons in weird places. This is what he did. Um, so the sheriffs came up to me while he was running around outside. I had gotten the kids calmed down, they were sitting in the car, and I just said, What am I supposed to do right now? And they said, Can you please just maybe talk some sense into him and allow us, uh, get him to agree to let us take him somewhere? And so I hugged him. I grabbed him, and and this is another gift from God in that moment, is because I hated his guts at that point. He's destroying my kids, he's destroying my life. But somehow I was just released of all of that. And I grabbed him and I just held him in this like tight embrace. And I said, Remember about the prayer I told you works. I said, We have to pray. I said, You know what's going on right now. You have to admit it. I know what's going on. I said, You're gonna be okay. You have to remember to pray in the name of Jesus. And he kind of like launched back, and I put my hands on either of his shoulders and I said, Remember to pray in Jesus' name. And his eyes looked right into me and they shook back and forth horizontally. And if I hadn't had more proof before, that was it. And that's when I knew the whole Bible was real, darkness is real, but also light is real, the rescue is real, the Lord is real. And it's like it took me to believe in the darkness in order to believe in the light. It's like the goodness was too good to be true. However, I had been rescued so many times from so much horror, and I was taking it for granted. But when the darkness became so real in front of my face like that, I was like, I gotta hold on to God, and I can't let him go. If that name, Jesus is that powerful, and I've seen it and I believe it. I mean, I go back to that moment often, and I'm just like, look what God's done. You know, and it only got so bad because I was stubborn and I wanted to do it my way and I wanted to fix it my way, and I thought I was supposed to do something because I'm the mother of these children, and I got myself in this hole, and I have to dig myself out. You know, I felt like I deserved where I was and I deserved the climb out, which in a way I kind of did because of consequences for certain decisions, but I'd never realized that in that like darkness, in that pit of hell, like when you're there, God's been there, like he's been there waiting for you to tell you how to get out, you know? And and we can dig ourselves as deep as we want, but we can't all we can't climb out without God. We can't, you know, and I'm glad in a sick and twisted way that my kids have experienced the depth of spirituality that they have because I think it's gonna be a no-brainer for them for the rest of their lives. It's unfortunate that they had to see such darkness, but the coolest thing is that they've seen and they've been with me through my climb out. Like they've seen me in hell wanting to die, screaming that I've wanted to die, screaming that I'm going to kill myself. How scary for them! And it it's still hard for me to think about that today. But as long as I continue to lean on Jesus and and study the Bible and lean on my church and show these kids that it doesn't matter as long as I'm doing it right now. Like as long as I can stay on this path, it kind of like it's gonna be okay.

SPEAKER_02 42:11

What happened after that night?

SPEAKER_03 42:14

I let's see, he ended up getting um, I think they like tackled him. He never really agreed to go anywhere, but they got him to like a psych ward. And we had a we had a court date. Um, and so that court date was coming up, and he missed it. I wasn't in contact with him. I had cut ties with everybody at this point because he he had told so many stories I just couldn't even keep up defending myself. So I basically just was isolated.

SPEAKER_02 42:44

And um is this where you got clean? Like were you clean already when this happened?

SPEAKER_03 42:49

When I left, when I left that night and I told the kids that we were gonna get Slurpees when we went to the shelters, um I I that was when I that was when I stopped. Um and so yeah, like when I turned out of our neighborhood, I remember rolling down the windows and just yelling freedom because I knew I was like, I knew I wasn't gonna go back to any of that.

SPEAKER_02 43:15

Hey, if you're a parent in recovery, this might be for you. Rebuilding trust with a partner, a co-parent, or the people you love after the chaos of addiction can feel overwhelming, sometimes even impossible. You're not alone. Donna and I have lived it. And out of that experience, we built parenting in the storm. Work created for parents who are trying to rebuild connection without shame and model healthier relationships for the next generation. It started as retreat style workshops in communities across Saskatchewan, but very quickly demand has grown far beyond what we can offer in person. So depending on when you're hearing this, there may already be digital resources or tools available through the link in the show notes. And if there isn't any yet, I assure you they are coming soon. If any of this resonates, you're welcome to explore it at your own pace. No pressure, just support. Wellness News Choice for Healthy Living is a local resource that works to connect people to health and wellness-related products, services, and expert advice from industry professionals locally allowing us to connect and engage. Check out wellnessnews.ca or skwellnesshub.ca today to learn more. If you want to support the channel, there are a few ways. By becoming a paid member right here on YouTube and get early access to new episodes, you can buy us a coffee or you can pick up some merch. Links to all that stuff is in the show notes below. And of course, always remember to give us a like, leave us a comment. And if you're new, a sub to the channel would mean the world to us because it all helps us keep getting louder.

SPEAKER_03 44:40

Um and so, um, so he, yeah, so they got him to that psych ward and uh he missed a court date, and I just I had a gut feeling that something was wrong. And so I had called a friend of his and to see if they could go check on him. I had called his brother from California to see if he could get a hold of him. I just knew in my gut something was wrong. And so, anyways, he was back home and he had been in psychosis again, and he was there was another hole drilled. Anyways, basically a repeat of the night that last night, but without the kids, like the whole thing started over again. His brother ended up coming out and flying him back on a Red A that night to California. Um, so I ended up cleaning out his house for him, and we we moved back to our marital home because after all the horror court case, I finally got the house back, but I couldn't afford it. So my dad was helping me, and this is kind of where uh, you know, I've always been trying to escape my parents, right? As a child, I just wanted to be away from them. And um here I am again realizing that okay, things are looking up, my kids are safe, I have custody, I have this house. I lost my job, I lost his child support, I lost my food stamps and the house foreclosed. And I had I had nowhere and no one. And like it's such a I don't even want to say bittersweet because it's better than that. Like it was such a special time. Like I was living in a house that was gonna be owned by the bank any day. I didn't I was stealing food because I couldn't buy food. You're you're cleaning I was clean, I was clean, and I was reading the Bible every single day. It was summer, the kids were off school. We just hung out in this house that we couldn't afford, eating food from the gas station that I kinda robbed.

SPEAKER_01 46:49

But I mean, it it sounds so dark, but like I had left such that doesn't sound dark. I'm sitting here almost crying. You're you're like, and we're eating food from the gas station that I kind of robbed.

SPEAKER_00 47:04

Kinda robbed a lot of people. I'm like but you're clean and there aren't any demons.

SPEAKER_03 47:09

That's what I'm saying. Like, like the perspective, like it really is all about perspective. Like I can be in the biggest hellhole of all time now. Yeah, and I just have this list of blessings in my head now, yeah, where it's undeniable. Like, I cannot, I am a slave to the righteousness, you know.

SPEAKER_02 47:31

Okay, so let's stay in it, let's stay in it. So what okay, so then what? You're you're robbing a gas station in recovery. You're you're reading the Bible, you're going to church, you're robbing gas stations. Sorry, I don't mean to like live in the good life. There's it's there's just so much light in that that it's just okay. So so now what?

SPEAKER_03 47:50

I'm so glad you you recognize that because to so many people, if I just skipped to that part of the story, they'd be like, dang, that sucks, you know, that kind of but yes, knowing where you came from. Um, so so, anyways, I'm in this just beautiful time. The kids were unfortunately too scared to be alone. I mean, they just went through some crazy stuff. I was too scared to be alone, but I didn't want to admit it. But we all slept on the couch in the living room together. We had a five-bedroom house at this point, and I would convert it in this little corner to bedroom and couch for daytime, and we just sat there and I read the Bible and I tried to teach them stuff and they ignored me, but I hope they heard some. Anyways, um it got to the point where I'm like, Jamie, you can't you can't just pretend the foreclosure is not happening forever. Like, I know these things take time, and that I was really taking advantage of that. But I'm like, it's all gonna hit the fan pretty soon. So I called, I called my dad. And uh I'm like, I did it again. I need to come home. I did it again. And um he started paying the mortgage because I didn't know what I was gonna do. So he started paying the mortgage just to like give me time to figure it out. Um and you know, I was able to get my food stamps back and and um some other things kind of like came together. Um I was working now at not the gas station I was robbing, but a different gas station. Um and so that was cool, but I just I couldn't survive it. I couldn't sustain it. And and I'll never forget when my dad said, Well, your mom and I have talked, and we think it's best that you come home. And I was like, I didn't want to ask because every time I come home I blow up your life and I leave the wreckage for you to clean up. Um but they they were in their forever home. They were on the East Coast in Tuftonborough, New Hampshire, where all the old people retire forever. You know, it was their dying home on a lake, and it was beautiful and it was special to them, and they sold it and bought a bigger house closer to town for the kids and I to live with them. It hasn't always been easy though. I mean, when I first got here I mean, uh with the way I've blown up my parents' lives, and so many times, like we got issues, you know? It's not always happy. They don't get me all the time. I mean, I'm a parent, and so we have that in common, but they don't get me, they don't know my stories, they don't know any of them, they just know it was bad, and they don't know the Lord. I I was I wasn't raised like atheists, but I was raised in a house of Christian insults, just not out of hate or anything dark, just because they don't get it, they've never known. And now I'm coming in here, and I just I really feel like the next part of this story is that that light that we were talking about earlier, even in any situation, like it's still with me, and I'm I'm bringing my kids here, and we have this light. We have this light in us because of what we've been through. And they don't say anything about it, but I know they feel it, and I know they they are witnessing a change.

SPEAKER_02 51:40

So tell me a little bit about like, you know, um your your recovery journey now that you, you know, you you turned out of that neighborhood that that one fateful day, and you shouted freedom. Now certainly these thoughts must still enter your mind. And like I'm I'm nine years in recovery, and like I know that hardly a day goes by where my brain doesn't start twisting out. And I'm not talking about using drugs, I'm talking about the thoughts that used to take me to using drugs, like the everything's wrong, I'm not doing good enough. My kids are gonna be wrecked because of my behavior. I yelled at them, I swore at them, whatever. Whatever that was, you know what it's like being a parent. We run parenting workshops now, actually. But what is it like? Like, what's it like being in recovery after all that darkness, after all of the thoughts that that brought you into that darkness, they must still surface, you know, like in some way. So let's talk about like where's the tools in your story, other than the the the the the the blinding light, right? Um what are the tools? What do you use? What does that look like?

SPEAKER_03 52:45

So yeah, and you're you're so right. It's like the desire to use crystal meth, which is basically the the addiction, that is gone. But I'm I'm not done being an addict. I'm never gonna be done being an addict. Are you you know, I have that brain.

SPEAKER_02 53:04

We could we could we could substitute that word, and I'm not telling you you should, but you you could say, I'm not done being a human. Yeah, yeah. I don't I am not done desiring a better way, you know, because that's what we're doing, right? In our addiction, like we're we're we're seeking safety in that substance. We're seeking stability, we're seeking safety, we want to be comfortable, and and the substance gives us all of that and more for a little while, right?

SPEAKER_03 53:32

So yes, and with um, you're right, it's it's a safety blanket, and it's a safety blanket that brings disaster. So when you remove that safety blanket, the disaster around you is gone, but you're not feeling safe, you're not feeling comforted, you're not feeling content, you're feeling completely exposed, completely vulnerable. And it's like you have to replace that as I guess that's what I've learned. It's like you've got to fill that void. You know, meth was a part of my I I woke up and I thought, when am I gonna get it? How am I gonna use it? When's it gonna run out? Do I have enough money to get some more? Am I gonna get pulled over on the way? All these things. I I mean, it took up so much space in my mind. And the first replacement was was the Bible. And I started in Revelation. And I know it's not recommended, but after what I just experienced, it was my it was my book to start, and it was. Um so that was the first replacement. It really is the distraction. Like I I was constantly running away from myself because if I sit still and I don't have a distraction, like I'm seeing my whole life for what it really is. Um, so and yeah, so I would replace it. I I would read a lot. Um, but there are, I mean, like I've been suicidal since I've gotten clean. Like I have been 100%. And I want to say it was even like a year ago, maybe a little bit more. Like since I've lived here with my parents. I've I've been there. And it's like it's scary because people don't understand like the capacity of your of your mind. Like you can go there so quickly, and if you if you don't recognize it quick enough, you're gonna be dead. Like you've got to uh catch it when it starts. Like you've got to I read a book recently um about uh racing like erasing negative thoughts, like obsessive negative thoughts, which is so mean. Like all I do is replay conversations and I just obsess about everything. Um to stop yourself, which took a lot of practice, first of all, to get to the point where I'm recognizing what is going on up here. It's gotta stop, it's gotta halt and be redirected. And so once I got to that point, I just I couldn't figure out where it was supposed to go. Like, what else am I supposed to think about? Like, this is just so strong. But then God came in. And and I still I say out loud, God, I choose you. I choose to bind these negative thoughts. I still like uh it often when I'm driving, it happens, and I'm like, I choose you, I choose you, I choose you. And if I can focus even just for like 30 seconds, just force my mind to go towards God or towards some sort of his goodness, it it just clears up. It's like you've got to pull your mind out of the muck. Um, you know, and then that's when I I learned about neuroplasticity, about you know, how you really truly can rewire your brain. Like it takes repetition and focus and will. But if you force yourself to think good, eventually you're just gonna wake up and you're gonna be there. You're not gonna have to pull yourself out of negativity, and that took me a long time to even believe because I don't even think I'm there yet. I still have to pull myself out of that mindset often. Yeah, but it's like there are people out there that wake up good and they stay good and they go to bed good.

SPEAKER_02 57:42

That just sounds preposterous to me.

SPEAKER_03 57:45

No, it can't be real.

SPEAKER_02 57:46

It can't be a liar. Yeah, yeah. You know that void that you that that void that you mentioned earlier. Um, I've heard many people refer to that as a God-shaped whole.

SPEAKER_03 57:57

Ooh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and actually that reminds me when when I was in the car on the way home from that Bible study and I was surrendering everything. Um when I got out of that car, first of all, I know it's the Holy Spirit when the tears pour from like this, like they just come out so fast, it's like a cartoon, you know, like they just launched, and rather than normal crying, it's just different. So that was happening. And I I got out and I got into my house, and I just stood there and I knew something happened. Like I I felt like the worries were gone, the fear was gone, the anxiety was gone. I felt, I always say I felt empty, and I feel like I should replace that word with something, but it truly was complete emptiness of all of that fear. Like I had really given it to God, and I'm like, oh my gosh, what do I do now? And like, what is this? And looking back and reflecting, I believe that's when I was baptized by the Holy Spirit, because that's the night that my kids were handed to me, and that's the day that they were in my custody, and they haven't left my custody. Um, so that was the Holy Spirit. I wasn't empty, I was full, but all the muck and the mess and the misery, it was gone. And I I have to choose to surround myself with the right people. I know I've met some people in this new town that I would totally be, I mean, we would have a great time, I know it. But I can't, I don't do that, you know. I choose, I choose God, and I choose the people that I know also are going to be living just to be good, you know, and I I I I serve at church, you know, and I I'm so lazy. I really do like to be by myself, but I put myself out there. I go to three Bible studies a week, and the coolest thing is that I like God answers my prayers now. Like he and and I know he's answering them all the time when I don't even know, and I might not ever make that connection. Like he's constantly answering my prayers, and I have to constantly recognize them and see him see that and thank him because I I want my kids to dive into church like I have, but I don't want to be that mom that's like cracking the whip about the Bible, you know. I want them to discover this on their own because I feel like that's right. You know, God's not gonna throw you into something that he can't help you with, you know. And and I'll I often have to think, oh, did I ask for this? And most of more often than not, the answer is yes. Like a big good change is an answer to prayer almost every single time.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:56

Uh you you mentioned that you have two self-published books. Can we see them?

SPEAKER_03 1:01:01

So here they are. This is number one. Uh oh, there we go. So I actually do have a pen name, which is an interesting story. If I could tell it really quick.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:12

Um sure. Let's see the other book.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:14

Um, here's the other book. Wait, there we go. They're on Amazon. Um, Wendy Lutz. Um, I haven't had the best relationship with my mother. It's still confusing. Um, I've always wanted to make her proud like anyone. And uh after talking to her throughout the years, um, just telling stories, she always wanted to name me Wendy. But my dad said no. She just really wanted to name me Wendy, and her maiden name is Lutz. So it's like, you know, this little alias that maybe my mom could be proud of. But um, after this video, I think I'm gonna actually put my real name on these books. It's gonna be the real name. All their names are changed though. So, anyways, that's them.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:56

If you're if you're interested in in Jamie's books, uh there will be uh a link in the a link in the description. Um go and check them out. And I'll I'll put Jamie's email address in the description as well, if you want to reach out to her for whatever reason. Uh Jamie, thank you so much for for joining us today. And I suppose that's it. Take good care.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:17

Yes, sir. Thank you. Thank you, Danielle, so much. Y'all have a good day.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:21

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