I Watched Myself Die | Kent’s Overdose and Recovery Story

Kent overdosed, coded, and was brought back with multiple Narcan shots. During it, he describes watching himself from above as nurses worked to save his life.

His story goes deeper than that moment—early trauma, addiction starting in childhood, years in the drug trade, violence, loss, and the cycle that kept pulling him back. This conversation is about what it takes to finally break that cycle and rebuild a life from the ground up.

SEIU-West –
Wellness News –
Parenting in the Storm –

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

It took four Narcan shots to bring me back and I coded on the way to uh the hospital and I actually had out-of-body experience. Like I stopped breathing and I was literally like above myself, looking at myself in the bed. This is Hard Knox Talks.

SPEAKER_00 0:16

Hey Kent, welcome to the podcast. Thanks. Let's jump right into it. Where did substances get started in your life? I started probably about grade four.

SPEAKER_01 0:28

Uh I didn't realize it, realize it at the time. There was a really traumatic event. I was uh I was sexually assaulted uh and repressed it. It didn't come out till my mid-20s. I knew something had happened that wasn't quite right, but I wasn't really sure what it was. I couldn't remember it. And uh I would have time alone after after school, and I would come home and sit and take a shot out of each uh each bottle or drink a beer, and I liked uh I don't know, I I couldn't really explain why.

SPEAKER_00 1:03

I just liked the the way it made me feel kind of thing, right? Did you have to keep it a secret or didn't just the people around you weren't real concerned about it?

SPEAKER_01 1:11

No, it was it was a complete secret. Like no one, no one knew my my parents uh always worked, uh they're always uh busy working and wouldn't get home till say five or six o'clock. So I had you know that hour or two after school by myself.

SPEAKER_00 1:29

So what what's the next thing then? So you're doing this at home. When did this sort of spill out into the rest of your life? I moved to PA and that's where it went wrong. That was your mistake. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 1:43

Went to the belly of the beast. Um, yeah, so I moved there and and that's when I I ran into weed the first time I seen weed. I didn't even know what it was. Uh I was skateboarding, and this kid's like, Oh, do you smoke this? And I said, Sure, yeah. And just grabbed it. That was at maybe 11, 12 years old, something like that. And then I was downtown skateboarding the one day, and uh I seen this homeless guy in the bushes, and he was he was doing a shot. And I I would always go up and talk to people, and you know, like I befriended him because he was he was always by this favorite ledge I like to skateboard or whatever, and you know, I asked him, like, what are you doing? What is that? And he's like, Oh, it's uh it's Ritlin and concern, or yeah, or Ritlin back then it would have been. And I was like, What's that? And he's like, Oh, you know, like your little buddies, they probably have ADHD meds that they're on. And I'm like, Oh, yeah, I had heard of that, and had a few friends that were that, and he's like, you know, if you can get a hold of these, I can get you$20 a pill for these. And I'm like, Oh, oh wow, and so that's kind of where my my starting to sell drugs really kicked into uh play. I feel like uh I got more addicted to the money ahead of time before the actual drugs. I started recruiting other people, you know, like, oh well, if you know anyone else that had meds, and then started thinking, oh, well, you know, we could do B and E's, we could do this and that. So I had there was about four or five uh of my little buddies that I made after I found that out that they would go do B and E's or try to find people with prescriptions, however, however, we could get our hands on it, and they would bring it to me and I would take it to this guy. And no matter no matter how how much I brought him, he always had the cash for it. He was always so it would it was awesome, you know, for like 13, 14 years old and walking around with a couple grand in my pocket. Uh yeah uh around the same time as when the first time I tried crack cocaine as well, um, at the guy's uh the guy's house that I sold all the pills to. It was the same kind of thing. They were smoking crack and I didn't even know what it was. And he's like, Hey, you want to hoot? And I was like, sure, I was I was that type of kid. He put anything in front of me, I I would do it. I didn't ask any questions until I took this super big crack hoot, and I'm like, Whoa, what the hell is that? Like, I got Thanksgiving supper with my parents in a half hour, like, what was that? And they're like, Oh my god, and I got sick, freaking out. So I had I had the whole trap house running around, fanning me off, bringing me water, trying to calm me down because I'm like, My parents are gonna know, man. Like, you know, and so yeah, it uh it ended up resulting in it it kept on like getting worse. The drugs, I was I wouldn't come home at night, or you know, I was missing school, my marks started to drop. So they uh that was the first time I went to detox. They sent me uh sent me to detox, just uh would have been before uh I went into grade 10 the summer before then. So and and to be honest, the the first time it was it was more just to appease them. I you know it was one of those things it's like oh they busted me, they're not gonna let this go. This is what I gotta do, kind of thing. But uh pretty much instantly when I got back, it was it was right back to the same old thing kind of thing, right? And that continued, yeah, till uh I moved to Saskatoon after I graduated, but I had big plans to go uh out on the rigs, and I was gonna write my H2S course. And the night before I started my course, uh we were drinking at the bar and we called up the dealer or whatever, and he was bitching about how his runner had quit on him and he needed a new runner. And I'm like, What do you mean? Like he's like, Oh well, I got the cell phone that rings all day long, and you know, you you sell a gram for 80, you give me 40, you keep the other 40. And I'm like, Oh, and I'm like, like, what's the catch? And he's like, nothing. Answer the phone, go see the people, and I was like, you know what, fuck it. And so I completely wrote off the H2S course I paid for, didn't even show up. And I was like, I'm gonna hustle. This is this is my chance to make big money, right? Like the pills and stuff. I made I made a lot of money as a kid, but this was my chance to, you know, I had the I had the dream of, you know, the kilos and the Mercedes and the you know the diamond earrings, all that kind of fancy shit, right? So yeah, and from there it just it it it took off. Like that's that's all I did. I was that was back in the days of a pager and like the payphones, yeah. So like I would I would sleep with my pager on on my chain, and I was just like a wind-up soldier, like it went off. I'd sit up, go do my thing, and yeah, that that continued for well till probably probably for a good 10 years. Um, but in in in that time, you know, I had uh several buddies that got murdered, like you said, with the gang life. Um, I got like this uh feeling like I was you know untouchable. You know, it was like the gangster. I'd walk around, people, people recognized me, people, yeah, and I would I would do whatever. Like I, you know, I I did my own dirt kind of thing and earned my earned my respect through all that. Like I said, I didn't uh I didn't click up with gangs, but I was uh very close friends with with a lot of a lot of the different gangs and stuff out there and organizations kind of thing. So I was able to go do whatever I wanted wherever I wanted, kind of thing, right? Like uh well the first my first uh brush with death was actually back in pa. Uh that was right off the start. I forgot to mention that uh I was at a trap house and this girl started to OD. That was before the Good Samaritan Act. So I remember everyone bolted. They took off, and I'm like, I remember like I sat there holding her um till like till she was past, and I like you know, like she took her last breath, and then I was like, shit, I gotta go, right? Like, I can't be here either. I tried to help her and couldn't, and so yeah, I took off, skateboarded back home and sat down and had supper with my family and acted like nothing happened. Holy cow, and it was it was probably probably one of uh the more traumatic things that happened in my life, but also a blessing. And at the same time, because because of that, I could never touch a needle. Like I'm covered in tattoos, that doesn't bother me, but to actually inject, I couldn't. Like there's it's uh it got to the point when my best friend got murdered, and uh after that it was he was uh I wouldn't say uh because because of him, a lot of people wouldn't mess with me, but after after he uh he was killed, uh it was kind of open season, right? So I I remember the one time uh I had my kids for the weekend and I would sell to anyone, so my phone rings, and the guy's like, hey man, I'm on my way out of town. I want, you know, I want to grab a couple balls or whatever. And I'm like, uh no, I got my kids, you gotta wait two hours. And they're like, Oh, come on, buddy, like, you know, this it's gotta happen real quick. And so I got uh my girlfriend at the time. I was like, hey, I just gotta quick run, quick run. I'll be right back. And I ran to the McDonald's next to my place and uh went to go see this guy. And as soon as he hopped in, he hopped in, he had his head down, and when he brought his head up, he had a mask on, and I'm like, oh shit, eh? And I knew what was happening. Luckily, I had a big puffy winter jacket on because he tried to he tried to stab me. And when I jumped back, it caught my jacket, and I grabbed the knife, ended up stabbing him in the leg with that knife, and then dove out of the car. And then they hopped in the car and ran away. So I'm like, okay, so I hopped in the truck to go chase them. They had cut my gas pedal wire, so I went to go start the truck. Yeah, like they had it planned out. I couldn't chase them or nothing. And I had to call the girlfriend and get her to come. Like, don't act weird, you know. This is what happened. I don't want the kids to know, kind of thing. And and then I also I had obviously, like I said, there was a couple beefs that I had, and I was sitting at home the one night, and I knew this is, you know, this is this I can do what I want. This is my city if I want it to be. I'm going out, I'm going to this bar, you know, I'm going to do what I always do, and I'm gonna go confront this guy. And yeah, he he was at the spot that I thought. I went there. I was like, you know, let's go outside, let's talk about this. And one thing led to another. Obviously, we started fighting, and five other guys jump on top of me. And I thought I was just getting a couple shots in the ribs or whatever, and then all of a sudden they run off. And I'm like, Well, what's up? What's up? That's all, you know, that's it. And they're like, check your chest. And I'm like, Oh shit, I had a bachelor button-up ball jersey and open it up, and I'm like, Oh wow, I'm bleeding. I got stabbed, right? So at the time, I'm like, I don't know, obviously in shock. I stumbled upstairs to the bar where I was at, still bleeding, paid the paid uh waitress for my tab and stuff, and I hopped in my car and started driving to the hospital. And I get to the hospital, and for whatever reason, I'm like, oh, I can't find emergency parking. What should I do? So I go into the like parking lot and start driving around, finally found a spot. Meanwhile, I'm bleeding everywhere, and get out, get halfway to the emergency, and I'm like, Oh shit, I got all my dope on me. They're gonna find it. So I go back to the car, tuck my dope away, get about halfway back, and I'm like, oh shit, I got a knife and something else on me, a weapon. I can't have that. So I go back to the car again. On the way back the third time, I'm like, oh, I'm getting kind of tired. Like, I gotta just have a cigarette. And I sat down to have a smoke, and then something kicked in. It's like, man, you're bleeding out. Like, you're gonna pass out here, right? So I remember running into the ER and I just walked up to the nurse at the front desk, and she's looking at me. I'm completely covered in blood, and she's like, Are you okay? Like, and I'm like, Oh, I got a stab wound, and I went like this. And I was like, There was actually two of them, and I'm like, Oh, I got two. And as I did that, I stretched and it like squirt onto her books and onto her lap, and then that's all I remember. Boom! I passed out, and uh, I came to and I'm looking at the doctor, had his finger going in one hole and coming out the other, and he's like, You are so lucky, like, because it was yeah, it's like right right in the center, like a little bit over. If it would have gone between one of those ribs, it would have been my heart or my lungs, right? So honestly, that didn't that didn't slow me down. I was kind of like, I'm gonna hustle till the casket drops, is what I used to always say. I was doing close to two grand worth of drugs a day. I I was still making lots of money, but it started to dwindle. My my habits started to take over, right? And I've always said that I was like a fortunate junkie because I got addicted to the money first. So, like, you know, it didn't make me homeless. I didn't, you know, I didn't lose everything. I have I I lost a lot, I lost a lot of friends and years and stuff, but I didn't like I wasn't picking through a dumpster kind of thing because I was always able to support my habit, but then all of a sudden I wasn't. And it got uh uh that's when when I decided uh I was gonna go to detox again. And uh I I did uh I was actually a good friend of mine came over and I was up like day three smoking crack, and he's like, Look at you, you're a fucking loser, like you know, and just went off on me. Like he actually he made me cry. Like I sat there grown mad, like man, like fuck. And I was like, Hey, you know what? I gotta I gotta do this. So I went to detox. I lasted that time about two months. That was always my downfall. I I'd get a little bit of clean time and then be like, Oh, I'm good. I can't I can go out one night and party and leave it at that, and then all of a sudden it's a week later and I'm strung out. And that's when I actually remembered my repressed memories of getting sexually assaulted. I was like on day three or four in the hotel room uh with a friend of mine, and she was explaining to me about how uh she had been sexually assaulted as a kid or whatever, and all of a sudden I just like got flooded with emotions. It all came back to me. Like I literally like dropped to the floor bawling and like relived every single second of it, like it had happened a minute ago, kind of thing. And I'm like, oh wow, that's you know, it was that's what happened. That's and I completely went off, went off the deep end. After that, I went I went to detoxin treatment and uh treatment of maxi and regina, and that's where I actually started to I I call her my gangster grandma, it was this old counselor, and like she was she was like a cook'em, and she's sitting there like I'm trying to be a hard ass still, and she looks at me and she's like, Cut the bullshit already. Like, you know, I'm not I'm not buying this thug fucking shit. There's more to you than you're telling. And unless you deal with the problems inside your head, you're always gonna have the same shit going on. And I'm like, What do you know, old lady? Like, you don't know what I've been through. And then she looked at me and she kind of snapped and she's like, You don't you don't know what I've been through. She's like, I've done 15 years in the shoe in Quebec for a home invasion collecting drug debts. Don't talk to me about gangster little boy. I was a gangster before, you know, like shoot me out. And I'm like, holy shit, like she did time in the shoe, like that's a serious, serious jail, right? And I'm like, okay, and I, you know, I started opening up. She was the one that finally started me, you know. I was like, okay, I gotta, I gotta deal with it. Cause at first I just got high till I couldn't get high no more, and then went to detox. And my plan was originally just I'm just not gonna think about it. It's over, it's done with. I don't, I don't like the way it makes me feel, so I'm not going to uh to think about it, right? And uh I I was I was good, I stayed sober for almost eight months, you know. All my friends or friends that I thought were friends didn't want to hang out with me, except uh my my present girlfriend now. She hung out with me when I was sober. And on the anniversary of uh my buddy that got murdered, um, I went off. I relapsed. It was ended up OD, you know, on Black Tar heroin. I laid in uh lay laid in my bed for three days till they found me and had a drug-induced stroke. I couldn't move my arm for almost six months, or it was like tingly and stuff like that. I wouldn't say I was suicidal, but at the same time, like I knew the amount of drugs I was doing was gonna kill me, and I didn't care. The with me, the the counting for some for some reason, the the counting sober days, for some reason it always like I would get almost to a month or two months like a milestone, and I would get like so anxious, I'd freak out, and then I'd just go use, or I would get that like month or two, and then be like, oh I can I can go do a line or do whatever celebrate celebrate my recovery success. Yeah, and so like that that went that went on for a couple years, and then uh then then I got raided. My house got raided.

SPEAKER_00 18:16

Tell me about that day.

SPEAKER_01 18:17

So uh I I remember waking up, I was on a vendor, and uh I remember going out to the car trying to start it, and the car wouldn't start, so I called the cab and went to Buddy's place and we go for a cruise, and all of a sudden we're getting pulled over. And I'm like, whoa, like, what's up where he's like, Oh, I think I was just meeting or whatever, you know. So I had a couple pieces on me, whatever, not much, and cleared my phone and tucked everything away, kind of thing. And cop pulls us over, and they're uh, and all of a sudden, out of the corner of my eye, I seen a shadow, and I turned like this, and it's a glock to my head, and all of a sudden the big bear cat pulls right in front, the drop out the vests, the ARs, everything pulled us out of the ground, arrested us, and I'm like, oh fuck, like what's going on? And they're like, Where's your uh um is anyone at the house? I'm like, my girlfriend, like my present girlfriend. I'm like, she's there, but she has like she has nothing to do with it. They're like, give us the keys, and I'm like, no, I'm not giving you the keys to my house. They're like, Well, if you want, we can just blow the door off the hinges and leave it open, but like either way, we're going in. So I'm like, Oh shit. So I gave them the keys, and she's staying there. She got woken up by like 10 cops, guns, and have no clue what's going on, and they placed her under arrest. And yeah, I had uh luckily for myself, I had my pal, so I was able to have firearms, but I had loaded firearms and they weren't properly stored. I had uh loaded Mossberg by my head, I had uh SKS by the toilet, I had another shotgun under the under the couch, and so they charged they charged me with uh what was it, uh weapon dangerous to the public or something, improperly stored weapon dangerous to the public. And they put her on those charges as well, too, because she was in the house. So I get hauled off to the correctional. I didn't make uh didn't make bail. It was a couple weeks until I made bail and then fought it for about a year, and they still they put me on conditions, they put her on conditions as well. She was on conditions for a whole year. Uh so yeah, I ended up. I was like, if you guys drop the charges on her, I'll plead guilty to to possession of a controlled substance and the gun charge. And so they did that, and I got a two-year CSO. Um, that was over COVID. And the same thing. I continued with the sobriety, like trying to, I would go a month, two months, almost three months, and then back, forth, back, forth, and ended up ODing OD my uh the second time, and took four Narcan shots to bring me back, and I coded on the way to uh the hospital, and I actually had an out-of-body experience. I guess stopped breathing and stuff, and I guess they do like a noogie on your chest and trying to get you to breathe or wake you up. And I remember that happening, but I was standing beside myself and I remember like, oh, that fucking hurts. Like I was like cussing out the nurse, and like, but she wasn't saying anything back, but I was like, you know, just going off on her. So I wake up and I'm hooked to all these tubes and shit. And the one nurse is checking on me, and she's like, Oh, you're lucky that he, you know, you came back, and she explains all the stuff how they had to zap me and that I coded. I I was literally like above myself, looking at myself in the bed, and I was just remember being so confused, and then just nothing, and then I wake up and I'm in the Bed, uh you know, catheter and IVs and everything. And I'm like, oh, what the hell? And I was like, hey, are the other nurses? Because like I seen her face, I knew it wasn't the same nurse. I was like, are the other nurses here? And she's kind of no. And I'm like, okay, well, when they come, like, can you please tell them I'm really sorry for the way I reacted? You know, I I apologize, thank you so much. I know they saved my life. You know, I'm very appreciative. And she goes, Ghost wife, and she's like, You when you came in in the ambulance, you you were not conscious, you coded. You weren't we you were actually dead for like I don't know how long it was before they zapped me. And she's like, I was like, I remember her like rubbing the chest, and she's like got like all pale, and she's like, No, like that was right before we zapped you. You were you had no pulse, you had no, and I was just like, Oh wow, like it's I don't know, it switched something in my head, and I was like, you know, I've I've been so lucky over the years getting stabbed, all the all the near misses and the you know the other ODs and stuff. I was like, I don't have another one of these left in me. And I was like, you know, I I got another relapse in me for sure. Everyone does, but if like this is the last time, like, and it's like I don't want I don't want my kids growing up, uh, growing up thinking or knowing their dad died of junkie, right? But my girlfriend, she showed up to pick me up. It was out of town, so she had to drive two hours to come pick me up, and I wasn't even conscious. So she came in the I woke up and she walked into the room like two minutes later. And I just remember the look on her face, like she probably wanted to put me back in a coma, but like the like how stressed she was and worried, but she didn't, you know, she was just like, I'm so glad you're okay, and gave me a hug and you know, just sat with me and held my hand. And I was I remember the two-hour ride home. It was we were just in silence, and I was just like, like, what am what am I doing with my life? Like I had never had that uh had that uh love from from someone, like you know, everyone loved me when I was at the top and I was handing out bumps and buying drinks and things were good, but when things got bad, like I never had no one. People liked me for what I could give to them. They didn't stick around. I guess it was like an epiphany moment. It's like, you know, like my kids, they're almost grown. They don't like they know what's up. I'm not fooling anyone, I'm not fooling her, and there's only so much she's gonna take too. One of these days, I'm just gonna wake up from a bender and she's gonna be gone and I'm gonna regret this for the rest of my life, right? Yeah, and she's like I said, she's the one that convinced me to go to or well kept on me. She didn't convince me, but like to start dealing with the abuse counseling and all that kind of stuff.

SPEAKER_00 25:00

So what did your first year look like then?

SPEAKER_01 25:05

Uh it's uh it was it I so you're you're in your first year now.

SPEAKER_00 25:10

Sorry, right?

SPEAKER_01 25:11

I am now, yes, yes, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:14

Okay, so let's let's jump let's jump to that. Um tell me uh like when when you have now entered recovery, unless there's anything between what you were talking about and what is like is there anything in between there that is like really like impactful that you want to make sure you say uh yeah, well there definitely my my biggest fear all the time, like uh through all of it, I never cared what happened to myself.

SPEAKER_01 25:41

I always said that I was like, I don't give a shit. Like I'll go to jail, I'll do whatever. I was like, my biggest fear is that someone I care that I love um gets affected by my choices and my lifestyle. Um someone very close to me um ended up getting very addicted and is still suffering from addiction, uh, is on the streets and it it really, really hit uh uh hit close to home. Because you know, it was like it's like that's they're they're running around the same spots I used to do. They're living the same life. I this is this is my my biggest nightmare come true, someone that I really care about. Right before, uh, right before I enrolled for school. Uh, we had a friend staying with us. Uh he had just gotten out of jail trying to be sober, and he had a shitty night. And I remember uh he uh all of a sudden we're sitting around in the living room and uh he he decides to go to bed. I was like, hey, I'll see you in the morning, bro. He said he worked, he went to sleep, and uh I noticed eight o'clock. I didn't work the next day. Eight o'clock went and uh didn't hear his alarm or nothing. I'm like, hmm, okay. And I looked outside, it was kind of cloudy, and I'm like, okay, well, you know, maybe he's not going into work, he worked construction. Um, 10 o'clock passed, and I remember going to the bathroom and seeing his door open, kind of and wanting to like, you know, what's what's going on? But I'm like, you know, he's a grown man. I don't need, you know, I don't want to, you know, give him his space kind of thing. And finally around uh 11 o'clock, uh 11, 12 o'clock, we're like, hey, like he hasn't even gotten up once. Like, we went in there and we found him. He had died the night before he OD'd. So we've found him, found him in the room, and that was that really hit close to home. It's like, you know, this this could have been me a hundred times over. He was doing so good. He was so, you know, trying to get sober. He had a bad night, just like I did. And with all of that, it's it's you know, uh, I wanted to, I had always kind of been like, oh, you know, I would I would make awesome addictions counselor. I'd always it was more of a pipe dream when I was getting high, you know. Like I was like, you know, someday, like if I ever sober up, that would, you know, that would be it. Because that's I had gone to hundreds of counselors before, and I always had problems clicking with them because I'd be like, Oh, like, have you been a drug addict? Or, you know, and they're well no, um, but I went to school for this and that, and I'd always be like, Well, how do you how can you relate? You don't like you say, Oh, yes, I know. No, you don't know, you you haven't been there, right? So I guess I was I had always thought, you know, maybe I could be that counselor that uh that I needed as a kid, right? And that's when it it actually it actually uh I registered for school. And yeah, I remember just before school started, I found like four or five pricassets, an old stash, in my pocket, and uh I was stressed out, and I that was my last time doing drugs. I took two of them that night and it was like, what are you doing?

SPEAKER_00 29:01

Like I felt like shit as soon as I took them. Parenting in the Storm is a two-day experiential retreat style workshop Donna and I created based on our own lived experiences with parenting through addiction, child apprehension, family court, and the long road back to trust and connection. It's a space for parents or caregivers in or seeking recovery who want to rebuild communication, peace, and hope with their partner or co-parent and model healthy relationships for their children. We don't come as clinicians. We come as parents who've walked that path and are finding our way back. If you want more information or would like to bring parenting in the storm to your community or organization, or even if you'd like to make a donation so we can bring this to more parents, all that information is in the show notes below. Wellness News Choice for Healthy Living is a local resource that works to connect people to health and wellness-related products, services, and expert advice from industry professionals locally allowing us to connect and engage. Check out wellnessnews.ca or skwellnesshub.ca today to learn more. If you want to support the channel, there are a few ways. By becoming a paid member right here on YouTube and get early access to new episodes, you can buy us a coffee or you can pick up some merch. Links to all that stuff is in the show notes below. And of course, always remember to give us a like, leave us a comment, and if you're new, a sub to the channel would mean the world to us because it all helps us keep getting louder.

SPEAKER_01 30:21

Regretted it, and yeah, ever since then, uh you know, a month, a month later I got I got into school, and yeah, I'm presently halfway done uh by diploma for addictions and mental health. And I'm doing I'm doing really, really well at it. My my average is uh in the high 90s right now. So I'm doing doing super good with that. I got a job lined up already for when I'm done for my practicum and stuff. And you know, I just try uh yeah, have been uh I I uh I helped out at Prairie Harm. I went and worked there for a bit when I was in Saskatoon before I moved to PA. Try to try to do as much community work as I can, you know. When we got leftovers, we'll go hand out food to the homeless, try to talk to the people. And I'm looking, I'm looking really forward to my uh I guess career in in addiction services to actually my life, my the actual living for for once, right? And it's some days it's it's I look back and it's like man, like does that shit even happen? Is this even real? Because my life right now is so completely different. Like I go to school in the mornings and I get off school, I go to work, I get home at like seven or eight, I have supper and hang out with the girlfriend and go to bed by like nine or ten. Like that's that used to be unheard of. And that was usually when I headed out, like, you know, and I don't know, life is life is much simpler now, and I might not have all the luxuries, but I'm so much more happier. And there's a reason for me living as long as I did. Like I've lost so many friends that I should have died long before them. And I know people always say, Oh, you don't don't say that it happened for a reason, but like I still feel that way. Like they were way better than me, they didn't deserve it, they didn't do half the you know, horrible shit that I did to survive or whatever reason I had for doing it, the addiction. Um, but like, yeah, it's like I I've I have my calling that this is the reason, you know, and I don't want to waste that. I'd be ashamed to make it this far, and then you know.

SPEAKER_00 32:37

So so what does your recovery life look then? You talk about what your you know your professional life is. You go to school, you have you have a job, you go home. What is what does recovery look like? Like what is the healing journey look like for you?

SPEAKER_01 32:51

Um I still uh I still I still go to counseling, uh like my sexual abuse counseling and stuff. And uh I've started to go to NA meetings more here in uh PA now. Like with the sexual abuse, I always I I I was ashamed of it. I felt less of myself. Uh, you know, I was I was a young boy and confused, like, why why would it does this make me gay or something? Like, you know what I mean? All the all those questions that people go through, and uh through going through counseling, I uh I learned, you know what, it wasn't my fault. It's not, you know what I mean. I can't help that that person was had the sickness they did, or you know, whatever wrong with them that they wanted to do that to me. And just the the talking about it, the being able to deal with it properly. I had wanted to get sober 10 years before I wanted like I was like I said, I was a fortunate junkie, so I was able to afford my addictions, it didn't make me homeless, but I was at rock bottom that like I didn't care. My life was centered around selling and using drugs. And until I started to, I tried to get sober, I wanted to get sober, and it just didn't work until I started to deal with the issues in my head to talk uh, you know, about that girl dying in my arms, my buddies getting murdered, the violence that I was involved in or had happened to me, um, you know, the uh all the ODs, all that, all that trauma, PTSD. That was the reason I couldn't stop getting high because I didn't deal with those reasons. And so when they came up, I didn't know how to properly. It was I spent over 30 years in addiction almost, right? So that was I only knew one way of dealing with that. So as much as as much as it sucked to, you know, I I still don't like going to my counselor, you know, she makes me makes me talk about uncomfortable things, and you know, but I'm able to sit here and tell my story to you, and I don't want to get go get high. I don't I'm not sitting here ugly crying, and you know, and before that's how it was. It it completely destroyed me mentally and started to physically from all the drugs, right? So not not every single meeting I go to I get something from. Sometimes it's just kind of I'm putting in my time, but it it reminds me, even just hearing those stories, it reminds me that I'm not alone, I'm not the only person. And every once in a while, I really like uh the old timers for the most part, like the guys with multiple years that like you're looking at them, and like I'd always try to size someone up, like what kind of drug did he do, or what was his deal, or you know what I mean? And it's like looking at these guys, and it's like that's it's like a grandpa, you know what I mean? Like, and it's like it's crazy that like he he has this many years, and like I would never I'd see him on the street, I would never expect that, right? Or or think that. And it's like, but if he can do it, like I can do it too, right? Like I always thought I was I was so lost for so many years that that's just I had accepted this is this is how my life was gonna be for a long time, right? Yeah, and it wasn't it wasn't until I I finally started surrounding myself with real people. I know the you know, I still have some friends uh from from that era that will always be my friends, you know. We've been to hell and back together, so we're always gonna have that kind of connection, but I don't hang out with them regularly. I have a different group of friends. I hang out, I met sober, excuse me, I met uh sober people, good people that you know check in on me, that just want to hang out, that don't want to just go get a beer or go get high or party. And you know, it's it's just having trying to get that good uh circle of support in your life because it does it does make a difference. And to all those people that you know want to get quit and or want to quit, but just can't seem to get it, you have to deal with those issues in your head and the reasons why you're getting high in the first place. Like I didn't realize it because I had repressed those memories for so many years. Yeah, so like even doing this podcast is hugely therapeutic to me in that way, is just being able to tell my story to so many more people in hopes that you know, someone someone that might be going through what I went through that you're not alone and that it is possible, you know, it's hard as hell, and I still got days I want to get high. I'm sure that'll always be like that. You can probably relate to that too, with being an ex-addic, right? Like you have those shitty days, but I constantly just remind myself, you know, how much better my life is. I practice gratitude every morning, I smudge, I believe in my higher power, and you know, it's not necessarily the God and all that, like you know, the the program, they're a little heavy on that. Um, but like you do have to be spiritual, you do have to believe that you're here for a purpose, that's there's something more than just you know the the time on earth here kind of thing, right?

SPEAKER_00 38:24

Yeah, Kent, thank you so much for for joining us today. Thank you for sharing your story with us, and um, I look forward to to watching you in, man. And uh I suppose that's it for now. Take good care. Appreciate it. Thanks, man. Hold up. If this hit home or made you think, help us get these stories out there, smash that like button, drop a comment, and before you go, check out another episode. The more you engage, the more the algorithm shares these voices with the people who need to hear them. Big shout out to SEIU West, our official equipment sponsor, improving the lives of working people and their families and leading the way to a more just and humane society. Find their link in the show notes. This is Hard Knocks Talk. Stop