She Never Stood a Chance | Caroline’s Story of Addiction and Recovery

 Caroline shares her story of growing up around addiction, losing her mother to overdose, becoming a high-functioning alcoholic, surviving abusive relationships, and finally finding recovery through grief, therapy, and AA. 

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Wellness News
Parenting in the Storm 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

And so I messaged my friend. I was like, hey dude, I'm ready for AA.

SPEAKER_03 0:06

God damn. Or just a stupid cult meeting, I guess.

SPEAKER_00 0:12

And I'll never forget the first meeting I walked into. I'm scared as shit. Right.

SPEAKER_03 0:17

What are you scared of?

SPEAKER_00 0:19

I was just I don't know actually what I was scared of.

SPEAKER_01 0:23

It's hard knocks talk.

SPEAKER_03 0:25

Caroline, welcome to the podcast.

SPEAKER_00 0:27

Thank you. I am happy to be here.

SPEAKER_03 0:29

Of course. I'm happy to have you. Um let's jump into it. Where did substances get started in your life?

SPEAKER_00 0:35

Um, at a very early age, I saw my mother um go through alcohol and drug addiction. I think I was about 11 years old when I started to notice um that she was using. And she she came to um my school one time and asked me to pee in a cup for her so that she could pass a drug test.

SPEAKER_02 1:04

How old were you?

SPEAKER_00 1:05

I think I was eleven. Yeah, I was grade six. Yeah, grade six. And she got sent to rehab shortly after that. I had to go live with my grandma and my grandpa while she was in rehab. And that like totally flipped my world upside down. And then when she got out of rehab, we relocated to a small town, and I got into um drinking at a young age, kind of mostly to um fit in because that's what all the small town kids did. And my mom didn't care. She would pull for me. Um so hang on a minute.

SPEAKER_03 1:49

Um, before we get too far away from it, you you mentioned that someone caught on and she had to go to rehab. Um was she forced into rehab?

SPEAKER_00 1:56

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:57

And what did that like, what do you mean she was forced in? Like what like go to rehab or we're taking your kid type thing, or like Yes.

SPEAKER_00 2:04

So basically, me and my younger brother, we would have gone to social services if my grandma and grandpa didn't take us in. And then I was trying to look up years later the rehab she went to because she was able to take my younger sister. So I think it was like a family-based um rehab. And so, yeah, my little sister was with her while she was in rehab, and me and my younger brother stayed with grandma and grandpa.

SPEAKER_03 2:30

That that's interesting to me because with all that's happening in the world today around uh coercion, you know, the compassionate care and the Sask parties implementing this forced treatment policy. Uh it this isn't new.

SPEAKER_01 2:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 2:42

It's not new. We've been I I went to treatment nine years ago with a guy that was mandated to be there. You know, go there or or go to prison. That's your choice. So I don't know how that's not coercion.

SPEAKER_02 2:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 2:53

So so when I hear things like that, you know, when when people are forced in, I I I like to dig a little deeper there. Um, so so tell me a bit more about that. When that happened, you went to live with your grandparents and you got into drinking. Like, what were your thoughts around your mom being forced to go to treatment?

SPEAKER_00 3:10

Um, it was very traumatic for me because that was my first time being separated from my mom. And then going from city life to um country life, like grand and grandpa, they had their own acreage. We basically had to do a lot of hard labor to help them, right? Um I just remember thinking, like, I just want her to come home, I miss her. Um yeah, it was, I think that was the first time that I truly felt very scared, um, lonely, and just so many big changes all at once. From a very young age, especially during that time, I felt like there was a big piece of me missing, which I thought it was my mom when she was gone to rehab. Um, but turns out it was that missing um indigenous roots that I was missing, which I didn't find out later until I got sober. You know, because I was like, there's something I'm missing something in my life. Like I don't feel whole or complete.

SPEAKER_03 4:21

You know what I mean? I do.

SPEAKER_00 4:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 4:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:24

Um, it got really bad for me when I was with my first love, and I still think about it to this day and still regret it and everything. And um I went out drinking one night with a guy that I was kind of seeing before him and got too drunk and was unfaithful, and obviously he left me, right? Um, and after that incident, my partying got out of control, really bad, where um I was always passing out. You know, sometimes I would pass out in my car at like the we had like these um these bush parties, and oh, one of them's coming to mind, Morrison. We would go party out at Morrison. Um, there was a place called The Pit. Um, there was a bunch of parties but every community has a place called the Pit.

SPEAKER_03 5:19

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 5:22

And I remember the first bit when I was there, I didn't want to party, I wasn't interested in it, and I was more focused on like I loved sports, so I was big into volleyball, basketball, acting. I was in dance at one time. Um, oh, and I was also part of um a youth group. I was really religious at that time, and my mom wasn't. I was just like, you know, trying to find somewhere to belong and everything. And I I honestly don't remember what changed and snapped in me to go from that nice lifestyle that I had to crazy partying with well, no, the relationship with my mom. So because she was a single mom and I was the oldest of the four kids, she put a lot of responsibility on me to basically be parent number two. And I hated that. I wanted to be a kid, I wanted to live my life, you know, like it wasn't my fault that, you know, you picked the bad men and blah, blah, blah. So, and probably it what contributed as well to me getting into partying was seeing her do it around me. She she always had a beer and clam in her hand, um, or she was always gone hours, hours at the night, and you're always like calling her, texting her on like those old flip phones, like, hey, like when are you coming home? Yeah, I'll be home soon. And soon would turn to hours or overnight, and then I'm left there to watch my younger siblings when I'm like, dude, I'm a kid. I was I'm gonna say like 13.

SPEAKER_03 7:00

So this was after she came back from and then she went back out?

SPEAKER_00 7:04

Oh hell yeah.

SPEAKER_03 7:05

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so that so now there's resentment building.

SPEAKER_00 7:10

Oh yes.

SPEAKER_03 7:11

Yeah. So was that a contribution, you think?

SPEAKER_00 7:16

I think so, yes.

SPEAKER_03 7:18

Yeah. And and perhaps like missing out on things because you're watching your kids when you do get the chance, you want to rip hard. Is there some truth there? So okay, so I mean that that that's as I mean that's as good a reason as any, really, you know. Like some of us get into it because it's fun. Yeah, it's exciting.

SPEAKER_00 7:38

Yep.

SPEAKER_03 7:38

You know? Um, so okay, so what's next?

SPEAKER_00 7:42

Um, so after the very traumatic, sad event of losing my first love, I continued partying like crazy. We had this, um, me and my best friend, we had this house on Main Street in Shelbrook, and that was our party house. So every weekend, all the the kids, like the teenagers and the teenagers from the other surrounding small towns, would come out and party, and our sarcan runs would be like hundred bucks, couple hundred bucks. Like it was crazy. Um, and then I remember I couldn't wait to get out of Shelbrook. I was about to graduate and I had made plans to move back to Saskatoon because I was like, peace out, mom. I'm sick of your shit. Um, I want to like start my own life and free myself from because she was always, always um doing the same thing, you know. Um, when she was sober, it was such short little bursts that it was just always normal to see her, you know, be messed up on something, alcohol or drugs, sadly. So I moved back to Saskatoon, um, lived with my best friend, we partied a lot. That was fun and everything. Um, and then randomly again, she she lost the kids. So my two younger siblings at that time, how old were they? I think I was 20 at that time. So I was only on my own, free from my family, for about a year or so before shit hit the fan again. And I remember um my two younger siblings were in the foster care system for a little bit, and I was fighting to try to get them to get them in my care. I eventually got them in my care, but again, I had to play mother. I was the big sister, you know, having to play mother again when I just wanted my own life so badly. And then Mum got a rehab again.

SPEAKER_03 9:48

Hang on a hang on a second. Um, so you were you were um trying to get away from having that responsibility, but but when that responsibility went away from you to somewhere else, you fought to have that responsibility.

SPEAKER_00 10:01

Yes, and I think it was because I've always heard of how bad the the foster care system is, and I didn't want them to be with people that they don't know. You know what I mean? And they were both so young at that time.

SPEAKER_03 10:15

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 10:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 10:16

So um when when you did get them into your care, did you stop partying?

SPEAKER_00 10:21

Oh hell no.

SPEAKER_03 10:22

Were you partying them around around them?

SPEAKER_00 10:24

Probably. That was all we knew. Like growing up, that's all we saw our mom do was partying, she was chain smoking, like it was just it was our normal growing up, you know?

SPEAKER_03 10:37

Yeah. Okay, so now you've got the your siblings in your care again, you're partying in Saskatoon, then what?

SPEAKER_00 10:44

Then mom gets out of rehab, and somehow she ends up with us, and then she has a bright idea of, well, let's all go, you know, rent a place together and all live together again. And for some reason I went along with it. And that still boggles me because I was so excited to be free. But I think it's because um she gave me false hope, and so I had that hope in my mind that it's gonna be different this time. We're gonna be a normal family, she's not gonna be off doing her her shit again, you know? No, that didn't last long. Um, and then I met the um father of my first child shortly after that. And so when my son was born, um, I think I only lasted with my family until he was about nine months old. And again, finally I was like, I'm peaceing out, you guys. I can't do this anymore. So I went to go live with my friend temporarily at her place while I was waiting to be accepted for um low-income housing. Um, then I finally got my own place where it was just me and my son. It was Where's your partner? Um, oh yeah, so that didn't work out. Um, when I met him, I didn't know, but at that time he was secretly battling um drug addiction. Uh he was on meth and he hid it from me. And I remember he randomly was like, hey, I have to tell you something. And I was like, okay, thinking it was gonna be something random. I could not have guessed that he was gonna drop that bomb on me and be like, hey, like, just want you to know I've been, you know, I'm a meth user, but I'm gonna quit. And I was like, excuse me. And I tried to run for the fucking hills because of my trauma with my mom and seeing her go through her addictions. And he was like, No, no, no, please, like, I'll quit. And he did quit. But um, there was a lot of gaslighting, a lot of just really emotional bad abuse. And so when our son was born, um he started drinking a lot with my brother. And um, one night he tried to crawl back into bed with me and our newborn son, and he was shit face, and I said, No, you can go sleep on the couch tonight. Well, he didn't like that, so he headbutted me while I was holding our newborn baby, and that was the final straw. The next day I was like, get the hell out, and then that's when I became a single mom for the first time. At that time, I was, you know, still having a hard time with drinking. I also had a gambling problem. And um, I had a really bad time with like whenever I was stressed and like didn't have him obviously, and he's being like babyset. I would go to the bar and have a drink, and literally within one sip for me, one drink, I'm a totally different person, you know? And every time I would gamble when I would drink, it would only be 120 and then it would turn into like 500 bucks or more later. So I'm this single mom that was like blowing money stupidly, and then I would have to go to you know, the lone places like Moneymart, etc., and take out a loan. So I was in that vicious cycle for a long time. I remember finally just getting so sick of my life and my own shit, and I was like, I have to do something better for my life for my kid. So I signed up for school. I went to college for my first time, and then at my college graduation, um my mom came. My mom and my grandma and my two younger siblings, and my baby was there, and I remember hearing my mother's voice in the crowd, she's like, whoa, Caroline, whoa. And uh after the fact, I was looking for her because I wanted to get a family picture, right? Like, this is a huge accomplishment. Like, I fucking graduated grade 12 and now I'm graduating from college, like it was a big deal. And she was gone already, and I was like, Oh, okay. Um, and then the day after, um, she gave me a a graduation gift. So she gave me this really beautiful ring. Um, it's an amethyst um ring, and I'm pretty sure it was that same day, and this crazy fucking person bombs by me in their van, cuts me off, goes in front, and I'm like, man, what the heck, right? And I didn't know it was her at the time. And then as soon as I knew it was her, as soon as she put her hand out the window, she has her cigarette in her hand. I can see her funny jail tattoo. She has a funny jail tattoo. And um, I was like, of course it's my mom in a rush because she was always in a rush, and yeah, it was so funny. But little did I know that that was the last time I would have seen a small glimpse of her. Because the day after um I got a call from my little sister, and she's crying and frantic, and she says, Caroline, mom's not breathing, something's wrong, we don't know what to do. And I'm like, What the hell do you mean she's not breathing? Right. And so um, luckily my best friend lived beside me. I ran over, dropped my kid off. I was like, I gotta go. And as I'm speeding to her house, um, I was praying the whole way. Like, we didn't know what was going on at that time. I was like, please, please, God, let her be okay, let her breathe, whatever's going on, like make everything better. So I walk into her apartment. I can't even go into her apartment because she's already there in the hallway on the stretcher with the paramedics working on her. Whatever that machine is, they all I could hear was beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, and then you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 16:54

Defibulator.

SPEAKER_00 16:55

Yeah. And so I couldn't get to my two other siblings that are in the doorway and they're crying and they're like, hey, Caroline, whatever. And they were like, they didn't have those amazing life-saving things that they have now. Uh, what's it called? Noxalone?

SPEAKER_03 17:10

Naloxone.

SPEAKER_00 17:11

There we go. Naloxone. They load her up into the ambulance at that time. She still has a weak pulse or whatever. And we had to go rush to get my son to daycare. My little sister, she hopped in the ambulance to ride with her to the hospital. And while we're on the way to um my son's daycare, we get the call that you never want to get. So my little sister calls and she's crying, and she goes, Caroline, she is gone. And that phone call, I don't know how I was able to get um us to daycare and then back to the hospital. Like, it was just such a it's so hard to describe, like, even now, just e it's been nine years since she passed away. Even now, talking about that, like I'm just like, I got chills. I'm like, that day was the hardest day of our life. So okay, we get to the hospital, obviously she's passed away, right? Um nothing harder I would say than having to say goodbye to your mother and look at her and just know that you're never gonna be able to talk to her again, hug her again, etc. So first thing that came to my mind after we all said goodbye to her was I need to fucking get shit faced right now. Like this is this is too painful. So we go back to my house before you know friends and family come over to celebrate her life by getting shit faced, because we all partied, right? That was our normal. Um, I remember standing outside having a cigarette, and it was a beautiful blue sky that day, but all of a sudden behind us, a big crazy, angry dark cloud started to creep up, and then it started hailing like crazy. So June 2nd, 2017, I still have big hail indents on my car from that day. And to me, when that happened, that was like my mom being like, fuck, I was not ready to go yet, you know, like she was mad, right? And so, yeah, when she passed away, my already bad alcoholism that I had times 10. I don't know how the heck I didn't get my son taken from me because I was a high-function alcoholic. I still was able to hold down a job, um, somehow keep bills paid. And yeah, it was it was crazy. And then right after she died, um, same thing. My little siblings didn't have anywhere to go. So I took on that role again. So I went from single mom of one kid, living my best life, doing my own thing, to my world completely turned upside down, and so we had to move to a bigger place, and trying to find that balance of being a big sister and a mother, it was absolutely awful. And then my little sister, um, she was really bad into her addictions as well, and those couple years of having both of them living with me, it was so, so hard. Like, and then during that same time, um, I met baby daddy number two, and when he met me and saw that I was freshly grieving all about partying, he was like, Hell yeah. So that's all we did as well, too. Um, and sadly, we did that a lot in front of the kids. Like when he came into our life, the nice little house that we had, um, he completely like overran it. Like, I had a bunch of pictures of our mom all around the house, right? Like, I don't know, I thought that was normal. I wanted to always, you know, remember her. When he moved in, um, all those pictures had to come down. My furniture was like too ugly and weird or whatever, and so he had to bring his in. So basically, he made me like get rid of all of my stuff to bring in his stuff. Um, and yeah, so all we did was plan our life around drinking. Um, and then COVID happened. That was a really awful time. And uh we conceived right before COVID happened and I was so excited. And everything was gonna be good, and he was treating me good at that time, and then all of a sudden I was trapped in this house with a very abusive man that only cared about drinking. Yeah, you're in isolation, all you can do is drink, and it's a lot of manipulation, control, gaslighting. Um, he didn't like any of my friends that I had. Um, it didn't matter that I knew them like most of my life before he came into my life. He made me end contact with them. Um, I wasn't allowed to go anywhere unless the location was on on my phone. And if I wasn't at that um disgust proposed destination, he would call me or text me right away, freaking out, like, where are you? You're not at blah, blah, blah. Um, and then anytime I was anywhere without him, it was always like, Are there any guys around? You know, who's there? Like it it was just it was fucking crazy. Um this happened all the time where we would drink or he would drink and he would start fighting with me. And one time I tried to leave the house because I want to, you know, stop getting yelled at. Um, when I tried to leave the house, he slammed me into the wall, and there was the wall was broken. There was an indent in the wall. Um, and then he would always take my phone and my keys for me so that I couldn't call for help because I would do that. If I had my phone, I would call like my best friend or someone right away and be like, hey, Lisa, you need to please come over right now and help me. Like, there were so many times that my best friends and my family members had to come over and intervene and be like, dude, leave her alone. She's gonna come with us. Um, there were so many times where me and my son, we would have to pack up our suitcases and go and stay at our family and friends' houses um till we like, you know, figured our stuff out or till he calmed down. Like it was, it was just constant chaos. And at that same time, while I was going through that bad emotional abuse, I was heavily grieving and didn't have the love and support that I needed to be able to process that that happened. If I didn't want to do anything for him sexually, I always got accused of cheating. Um, you know, so he would fight with me that, oh, well, there must be somebody else then, or you must be cheating, or whatever. Um, and I just got so sick of the constant fighting of being accused of that. I didn't know at that time that when I was going through that, that that was, you know, considered sexual abuse because I didn't have any knowledge or anything on that at that time. Instead of him helping me with our baby, he would be drinking. He would be up all night drinking, blasting music. I'm exhausted, tired. So he has always had the obsession with um a certain gang in Saskatoon. And he would always, when he was drunk, especially, he'd always, you know, talk about how, oh yeah, like um I'm gonna try and join them and blah blah blah. And I would get mad, obviously, because I'm like, dude, you can't do that. We have kids. You would put your kids um at risk of violence and stuff. Like, no, like it was almost like he was always looking for a reason to fight somebody. Like, I was always on edge with him because being with him in public, I always had to be like, hey, like, don't do that, please. Calm down. I always had to like keep him in check, you know. So it was constantly walking on eggshells, being like, please don't embarrass me today, or what's he gonna do today to really embarrass me? And so I finally left him for good when she was nine months old. And I was like, Okay, cool. I thought the abuse would end from there. It did not. He would harass me constantly, come to our house constantly. Um, it got so bad to the point where I had to end all communication with him, and luckily I found somebody who could do communication for us by email. Um, as you can tell, I have a bad history of hopping into relationship after relationship.

SPEAKER_03 26:40

So So what about your what about your drinking? Like what what did what did all of this do to your addiction? What was what was what what role did did your alcoholism play in in in all of this?

SPEAKER_00 26:54

Um by me drinking to numb the pain and escape, it prevented me from finding the strength to leave that really unhealthy relationship of four years. It prevented me from leaving it, leaving it earlier. Because I actually did try to leave him many, many times and he wouldn't let me go.

SPEAKER_03 27:19

Um it was just easier to drink.

SPEAKER_00 27:21

Yes. So I used drinking and smoking weed and other drugs to live with myself, to live with the decision that I made that okay, uh, I have to stay with him for the kids, right? Um, because his kids I absolutely loved, and you know, we we were all a big um blended family, right?

SPEAKER_03 27:44

So now you left him and you met someone else.

SPEAKER_00 27:48

They also had a really bad drinking problem. So me and him partied a lot as well.

SPEAKER_03 27:54

In front of the kids?

SPEAKER_00 27:55

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 27:56

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 27:56

Or I found out that my grandma's cancer came back. After um one really last sorry, one last bad visit with my grandma, and it was during the day, I had gotten home and started getting day drunk in front of my kids. And that was my aha moment. I was like, okay, grandma's gonna pass away any day now. We knew it was any day. And I was like, I don't want to go down that road again that I went down when I lost my mom and lose control because not only do I have one kid now, I have two kids, and and I was just was scared of myself, right? Like I didn't want to completely lose myself and get lost in my addiction. So I started out with just being temporarily sober to see if grieving while sober would be easier, and I can confirm it is easier to grieve when you're sober.

SPEAKER_03 29:00

Um would you would you say that it is possible to grieve when you're sober? More possible.

SPEAKER_00 29:08

That is exactly it. Yeah. Because I got sober a month before my grandma passed away, and I was finally able to sit with it and deal with it and let my you know what I mean? I wasn't stuffing it down with drinking like I did with my mom. Literally, it was a week or two weeks after my best friend passed away. She killed herself.

SPEAKER_03 29:36

And that was Was she living the life?

SPEAKER_00 29:38

She was living the life. Um, and that absolutely destroyed me. So after her, um, my grandpa passed away and he wasn't answering his phone one day, and I didn't have the kids, and I had this gut feeling I have to go check on him. Well, what I walked into, yeah, that was the last memory I have of him, which is still ingrained in my mind, which is awful. Um, he's on the floor, there's blood splattered, he's still alive, but he's in bad shape. He goes to the hospital. So because I was so traumatized of finding him in that condition, I didn't go visit him in the hospital. He was in the hospital for about two weeks. And because to me, I thought he was gonna recover, get out, like because he always was in and out of the hospital for health problems. Well, it he died in the hospital. So that wasn't that was another loss. That was loss number three in the span of three months. Um, and at that point, even though I was sober, I still felt like because it was so many losses back to back, that I couldn't deal with it. Cause it was like, how do I deal with the first loss when somebody else died, and then now somebody else died? So that summer, um, while I'm sober, I finally started to deal with my mother's loss because I wasn't able to because I was drinking heavily all those years. Um, so that summer, that would have been the summer of 2023. I finally go to her grave and I spent hours there. Whereas before this time, I would go to her grave for like five minutes, say hi and bye, a drop of flowers, and peace out because I couldn't deal with it. When she passed away, um at that time, we thought that she just her heart gave out and everything, right? Because she had a lot of diseases as well from her heart um lifestyle. Well, we found out that she actually died of an overdose. And I was like, Oh great. The one thing that completely ruined all of our lives, that was the one thing that took her away. So yeah, over those years, before I went to her grave, after I got sober, I had a lot of anger and resentment because I was like, why couldn't you just fucking get sober and be better for us and heal from your trauma? You know, because she had a lot of trauma too. Um, so yeah, I went there and I forgave her, and it was the best relief of letting go of all that um anger and resentment because it took me getting sober to finally take a step back and look at my mom in the eyes of, you know, she was just um she did the best that she could with what she knew at that time. That's all she knew her entire life. So um I had to forgive her for that. And yeah, that was that was amazing.

SPEAKER_03 32:36

So So something else I'm I'm curious about here when you talk about forgiving your mother, did did the lifestyle that you lived, like you you it it seems as though history repeated itself, you know, with your your mother um living that lifestyle and leaving you guys and going partying and all and all of the things that come along with that lifestyle, you you resented that, but you also became that. Is that accurate?

SPEAKER_00 33:02

That is a hundred percent accurate.

SPEAKER_03 33:04

And and in that grieving process, when you finally got sober and you started to to understand why your mother was the way that that she was, um, what did your actions have like did did that bubble up for you during that time as well?

SPEAKER_00 33:20

Yes. All of the shame and all of the guilt of how I put my kids through the same thing that my mom put me through, it it was crippling. I was like, what the hell, Caroline? You know, you knew better, right? Yeah. So after I forgave my mom, um I lost another person a couple months later that summer. The final loss that set me over the edge of being temporarily sober was when I lost my cousin. And same thing, um, I lost her to suicide. And that came out of nowhere. She was just like me. The last time I saw her, um, we were both doing good, we were sober, we were in therapy to heal from our um really bad past relationships, and then out of nowhere, she just you know, and I found out that she was slowly dipping her toes back into drinking. And so when I got that knowledge, um that was my moment of like and I was 10 months sober just on sheer will and luck, literally. Like I I wasn't an AA at that time, nothing. And um, so when I lost her, I was like, holy shit, that will be me if I go back out drinking, you know.

SPEAKER_03 34:47

Have you ever did you ever have those thoughts in the past? Like did you ever make any attempts?

SPEAKER_00 34:54

I did when I was a teenager when I lost my first love. Um my mom always had a bunch of like drugs on hand, like T3s, etc. So I stole one of her pill bottles because they were just fucking there, right? She didn't have them stashed away or anything. And so I chugged a whole bottle of T3s and had to go to the hospital and drink that uh charcoal stuff. So that was an awful experience. And I remember after that I was like, oh, I'm never doing that again. That was awful, right? But no, from from that point, you know, to current, I've always struggled with that, you know. So even though um I still have the the fantasy of doing that when life gets really hard, I know not to follow through and talk to people and get help. Because losing two people that way and seeing how big of an impact that had on their loved ones, you know, I I wouldn't want to do that to somebody. So yeah, so after I lost her, I was so distraught that um I reached out to my friend. She had reached out to me earlier that year because she knew I was sober and she was like, hey, like, you want to go to AA? And at that time I was like, no, I'm not an alcoholic. Like, I don't need it. Like, what do you mean? Right? Oh, yeah, so I forgot to say that too. Those first 10 months of sobriety, I had not acknowledged yet that I was an alcoholic.

SPEAKER_03 36:22

Oh my.

SPEAKER_00 36:23

I was just I was just taking a break from drinking.

SPEAKER_03 36:27

Oh. Okay, okay, so it wasn't that big of a deal.

SPEAKER_00 36:31

No, I I thought that I was gonna be able to return back to drinking and be a normal drinker.

SPEAKER_03 36:35

Was it hard to stay sober during that time?

SPEAKER_00 36:37

Fuck yeah.

SPEAKER_03 36:38

Okay, so you the by this point, I mean, z when you when you when you go to AA, they there's a saying where like this is gonna wreck your drinking, right? Because after you walk through that door, then you can't help but acknowledge that you have a problem. You know, like if you walk through those, nobody goes skidding in there having a good time. I don't need to tell you that. I'm sure you heard all this before, but there's so much to unpack there as far as like being sober, fighting like hell to stay sober, but I'm not an alcoholic. So is there is there anything in that 10 months there? Um, like any any any like realizations? Did you did you did you get any tools at the at that point in your life? Did you did you change the way you think, or were you just like, Wait, I'm not drinking today?

SPEAKER_00 37:22

I basically was just white knuckling it the whole time and avoiding any situations where there was booze. Alcohol is everywhere.

SPEAKER_03 37:32

Oh, I know.

SPEAKER_00 37:32

It's even at fucking kid play centers where you watch your kids play, like what?

SPEAKER_03 37:37

Oh, I could go off. I could go all the way off.

SPEAKER_00 37:40

Same. That's a whole that's a whole conversation that I could fucking have.

SPEAKER_03 37:43

Yeah. Totally. I hear you. Yeah. So okay, so uh yeah, so she invited you to an AA meeting. Now, now, did anything like noteworthy, like, I mean, you you did suffer all of these losses, but it sounds to me when you when you talk about these losses that that you're talking them in a in a way that are these were lessons to me. These were uh like I learned why I shouldn't drink during this time. Is that accurate?

SPEAKER_00 38:10

Yes, that last one was the lesson. Um, so when I lost her and found out that um she was drinking again, I put those two together. I was like, okay, she was drinking again while battling a lot of trauma and mental health issues, which I also had. And I was like, if I go back out drinking again, I could follow through, you know, and that terrified me. And so I messaged my friend, I was like, hey dude, I'm ready for AA.

SPEAKER_03 38:44

Goddamn. Go to stupid cult meeting, I guess.

SPEAKER_00 38:51

And I'll never forget the first meeting I walked into. I'm scared as shit, right?

SPEAKER_03 38:56

What are you scared of?

SPEAKER_00 38:58

I was just I was just scared of like I don't know actually what I was scared of.

SPEAKER_03 39:03

That's interesting.

SPEAKER_00 39:06

Maybe I was scared that I didn't belong there, or I don't know. But I remember walking down those stairs being scared.

SPEAKER_03 39:18

Were you scared you were gonna catch alcoholism? Was that it? Is it ego?

SPEAKER_00 39:25

Oh, I think I know what I was scared of actually. What I was scared that I um wasn't that bad of a drinker to be accepted into alcohol into AA because you weren't bad enough. That's that's what I was scared of. Because like I thought that you had to go to AA if you were forced to, got a DUI, you know what I mean? Like all like the really big rock bottoms. Okay, but my rock bottom was so different that I was like, maybe they would look at me and go, Why'd you even quit? Yeah, like I thought that they were gonna look at me and be like, your fucking issues are so minimal and small compared to ours. You know what I mean? If that makes sense.

SPEAKER_03 40:05

That's ego.

SPEAKER_00 40:06

Oh fuck. Oh yeah. I really had to deal with my ego shit when I got sober.

SPEAKER_03 40:10

That's so weird how it's gonna like we will sit around a table and try to like be the worst. Oh, you had two keys. Well, I had five keys and I went to jail for this long and I got all these STDs. Oh wow, yeah. Honestly. Yeah, I'll probably edit that part out.

SPEAKER_00 40:31

Um, so yeah, so when I walked in at that time, I was desperately trying to find a community and a group to help with my my grief because when I lost her, I called the um the Sask Health, whatever authority, and they they have um grief support groups. Well, at that time there was nothing going on, and I was like, oh my God, I I need more help because I was already seeing a therapist at that time. And so I was like, Well, I'm gonna give AA a try. Soon as I walked in those doors and introduced myself and heard their stories and shared my story, that's where I finally felt a place of belonging, you know, where I was accepted and valued and that I mattered. Um, and I'll never forget um the one person when they introduced themselves to me, they were like, Oh yeah, so like, um, how long have you been sober for? And I was like, Oh, 10 months. And they were like, and this is your first meeting? I was like, Yeah. And they were like, it was funny. They they were they were like, their mind was blown that I was somehow able to white knuckle 10 months without AA. You know what I mean? Um, and then so ever since then I was part of the program. Um, I have a home group, I have a sponsor, I started working in the steps and yeah, finally admitted that I was an alcoholic.

SPEAKER_03 41:54

Parenting in the Storm is a two-day experiential retreat style workshop Donna and I created based on our own lived experiences with parenting through addiction, child apprehension, family court, and the long road back to trust and connection. It's a space for parents or caregivers in or seeking recovery who want to rebuild communication, peace, and hope with their partner or co-parent and model healthy relationships for their children. We don't come as clinicians. We come as parents who've walked that path and are finding our way back. If you want more information or would like to bring parenting in the storm to your community or organization, or even if you'd like to make a donation so we can bring this to more parents, all that information is in the show notes below. Wellness News Choice for Healthy Living is a local resource that works to connect people to health and wellness related products, services, and expert advice from industry professionals locally allowing us to connect and engage. Check out wellnessnews.ca or skwellnesshub.ca today to learn more. If you want to support the channel, there are a few ways. By becoming a paid member right here on YouTube and get early access to new episodes. You can buy us a coffee or you can pick up some merch. Links to all that stuff is in the show notes below. And of course, always remember to give us a like, leave us a comment. And if you're new, a sub to the channel would mean the world to us because it all helps us keep getting louder. Um so um, what was it like the first time you said, My name's Caroline? I'm an alcoholic. Did you believe it, or were you just like following along?

SPEAKER_00 43:20

I believed it, and it was really, really hard for me to acknowledge it because before I went to AA and got sober, nobody ever pulled me aside and was like, Caroline, you have a fucking problem.

SPEAKER_03 43:36

Well, and even in even in today's story, the way that you're talking about it, very much a lot of the struggles you faced in life and you were talking about your partners drinking, talking about all of these other people drinking and all of the things, and like like what what did your drinking have to do with it, you know? Like, and it's it's um it's it's interesting how how even though we have this acknowledgement and even though that we're doing the work, you know. Um it it's still easy to talk about other people's stuff. Do you know what I mean? And I'm not saying that. And this is one of those things I might edit out after. Like I I I don't I hope you don't feel like I'm trying to call you out on anything.

SPEAKER_00 44:11

No, call me out.

SPEAKER_03 44:12

Yeah. Um But yeah, that it's it's uh um interesting how the the story, especially when it comes around the the violence and and and the abuse and things like that, it can very quickly turn into a story about the abuse and not the alcoholism. You know what I mean? So um with like you said you you started working the steps. Um how was that for you? Like if you you you you come into you say, I'm my name's Caroline and I'm an alcoholic, uh, and and you believe it. Um what next? Like what happened after that realization? Like when you left that first meeting, did the world look different?

SPEAKER_00 44:53

Yes. It did look different. Um and it just opened my eyes to all of the fucked up shit that I did, you know? So it it basically took me going to AA to realize that I was the main fucking reason why I suffered so much in my life.

SPEAKER_03 45:16

You're the main character.

SPEAKER_00 45:17

I was the problem, not everybody else. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 45:24

I gotta say, I and I've mentioned this on the podcast before. It was like when I went to AA and I got into my four and five, my step four and five, and I realized that I was an asshole too, and they treated me like that, and maybe I deserved some of it. I felt better after knowing that. Yeah, that's so anybody that might not know what step four is, it's just searching in fearless moral inventory, and basically you you you you write down all the bad stuff that you did and all of the uh resentments that you have, and there's there's a thing for all the different categories, and um step five is you share that with another human being, and then step six is you become willing, and that barely and step six is there they wrote a whole book on it, they call it drop the rock, and they um it barely gets an honorable mention in the in the big book. It's like, oh, step six, okay now just rest and become willing.

SPEAKER_00 46:16

Um I don't know because I'm having a hard time trying to balance like my sub like my AA stuff, like my service work, you know, and and mom life and working life. Because like I'm a full-time working single mom, so it's really hard to balance that and find the time to, you know, work on my recovery.

SPEAKER_03 46:41

Yeah, it's hard. And and and and to to just add more in there, there's way Donna is coming up, but she's over eight years sober and barely stepped foot in the rooms. Oh, yes, it's possible to recover without AA. Yeah, it is so possible. So don't beat yourself up if you're not doing it the way you think it should be done.

SPEAKER_00 47:01

Yeah, like I'm basically I'm doing the best that I can, you know?

SPEAKER_03 47:05

Well then wow, that's incredible.

SPEAKER_00 47:08

Yeah, yeah. Without like burning myself out.

SPEAKER_03 47:11

Yeah. So when I start talking like big big book stuff and all technical and shit, like I don't like, don't listen to me. You don't have to do it that way.

SPEAKER_00 47:20

Um, okay, so you know how I mentioned that um I went through sexual abuse with the one ex. Well, when I got into my um last relationship, like my most recent one that I am not in anymore, um, I didn't know that I had gone through that until that guy because basically I went through the same thing. I always gave him what he wanted when he wanted it, and it took one time for him to turn me down and say no, where I was like, What the heck? Because I was never used to that, right? And that like started a bunch of turmoil turmoil inside me of like, well, well, why? Like, am I not good enough or whatever?

SPEAKER_03 48:10

Oh, yeah. That's like a oh, that's how it feels moment. Oh, that's interesting.

SPEAKER_00 48:17

Yeah, so that's that's when I finally learned that I had that trauma with the ex was because with the ex he would never say no, you know what I mean? So then with this with this new guy, um, I always thought that I still had to behave the same way, you know, constantly be giving, constantly be ready, and everything. Um, when that wasn't the case. And so when he turned me down for the first time, I was so like, I was hurt. I was like, oh my god, like it's hard. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 48:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 48:55

Um, and then, but sadly, um, him and I went through some stuff and um I started having health problems, physical health problems. And it was it was awful. I was in a lot of pain. I had to see a bunch of specialists, do a bunch of tests. Um, and I figured out after the fact that the only way to avoid basically I call it like like a flare-up of that is if I manage my stress. So I had to like, I literally have to be completely stress free and have my nervous system regulated, or those said health problems will come back. So I'm I'm always gonna have those health problems until I deal with that um stored trauma in my body. So all those people that I lost back to back, that was five people in the span of a year. Um, it finally caught up with me and hit me hard end of 2024. I had a really big mental breakdown. I was just about to leave that ex. Um, and my mental breakdown was so bad that I wanted to kill myself.

SPEAKER_03 50:16

And you're in recovery now. You're going to meetings, you're doing step work, you're doing service work. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 50:22

I was doing all the right things. I was um seeing a therapist, um, working through my trauma, working through my grief. Yeah, I literally was doing everything I could to take care of myself. I only had my son at that time, and I was like, I called his grandma and I was like, can you please come pick him up? Well, what's wrong? And I was like, and I was honest. I was like, I'm feeling suicidal and I I need to go get help. So she picked him up, and then um I took myself to the hospital and had a really good experience, thank God. Um, they got me in really quick. I saw a doctor, um, they gave me some Atavana chill out because I was having such a bad um panic attack that like my whole body was shaking, I couldn't breathe. And like I I remember feeling before I went to the hospital, I just wanted it to end. All of the overthinking, all of the trauma, all of the shame, everything of my past um before I got sober, and especially that last year of losing so many loved ones back to back, it was unbearable, and I I couldn't handle it anymore. So um, I was fighting, I was fighting off getting medicated for my anxiety and everything for years. And at the hospital, the doctor looked me in the eyes and he was like, Caroline, I think you know now that it's time to start a medication and to try it out. He was like, because he saw my file and I gave him some history, and he was like, You have been working really hard and doing all the right things to take care of yourself, but sometimes people need that little extra help, and that's okay. And because I was so desperate at that time, I finally let my walls down and I was like, Okay, I will do this. So I took a whole month off of work, I went to the doctor, got medicated, and had time to adjust. Like I was off work for a month, had time to adjust, did a bunch of other things to take care of my mental health. I always suspected that I was undiagnosed ADHD. Because even though I was taking care of my anxiety, um, there was something else going on too, and I just still I felt like there's something else missing that I need to do for my mental health, you know? Um, because I'm very I get distracted easily. Um I am very forgetful and just like all of the like um normal ADHD traits. Um and so I got um diagnosed with ADHD and I got on meds for that. Um and so yeah, finally I'm at a point now in my life where I'm not fighting off the help that is being given through taking medication, you know? When you go through a lot of trauma, um not only does it affect your mind, your mental health, it affects your body. So for me, um a lot of things that I went through, I would suppress and I would disassociate and I would stuff them, stuff them down, right? With drinking or whatever. Even when I was sober, I was still checking out and disassociating. Um but it was causing me um health problems through my body. Um, and in January, this past January, I had ran into somebody that had actually um tried to sexually assault me back in November. And this blew my mind because this person was a sober person, so I assumed that I would be safe because I always put drinking and you know, being with men in the same category as you have a really high chance of being sexually assaulted, right? Um, and so I met up with him and he was sober and I was like, hey, cool, like this is gonna be awesome. You know, I'm safe. I assumed I was safe. Wrong. Um, he tried to force himself on me. I said no many times. And because of that past trauma that I thought that I had healed from, um, even though I kind of healed from it in my mind and like worked through it a lot in my mind, my body didn't forget. So when I was with that guy, when he was trying to throw himself on me, um, I went into um freeze and fawn response. So I completely shut down again. I checked out emotionally, and I just basically I just gave in to pr to protect myself emotionally because I was scared I didn't know I didn't know this guy, right? So I felt like I didn't have any other um choice. Um, and after that incident, when I finally left, um I totally like checked out and forgot about it for those couple months. Um, I didn't really talk to anybody about it either. And so when I actually ran into him early January, and literally upon seeing him, my entire body freaked the fuck out. I started having like a huge anxiety attack. I couldn't breathe, I was sweating, and like I was like, I was like, what is going on with me? And then finally all those memories flooded back, and I was like, oh. So yeah, that was that was eye-opening to me, and that prompted me after that um really bad trigger to get more therapy with um my essay stuff. So that's what I'm working on right now in my recovery, so that next time um if anything like that happens again, then I'm not scared this time to fight them off, say no, walk away, etc. Yeah, and I just I wish I knew a way to like better remind myself because, like I said, I up until that point, I was a fucking pro with my self-regulating tools. Like I have so many resources to take care of my mental health and everything, and just that one incident made me all I lost all that knowledge and was stuck in like a dark deep hole for three months, and it was I couldn't pull myself out. It was crazy.

SPEAKER_03 57:08

So you wrote a book.

SPEAKER_00 57:10

I did.

SPEAKER_03 57:11

Why don't you tell us about it?

SPEAKER_00 57:13

I would love to tell you about it. So um at the summer of 2024, when I started doing my steps, when I started writing down um all the crazy things that I went through and that I did, I was like, you know what? For shits and giggles, I am going to see what I can remember of my life, starting from my earliest memory. And I wrote the first draft. It wasn't enough for a book. I think the first draft I had was like 20,000 words. And every time I kept reading through um my life, I kept remembering things that I had suppressed and forgotten, good and bad memories. So writing this book was so healing to me to understand why I was the way that I was, and I I learned from it, you know? Like, um, so yeah, so basically it is a memoir on my life. Um, she never stood a chance, and I want to read one of these quotes. You deserve to celebrate not only who you've become, but who you could have become and fought not to. And that one really, really sticks with me because you know how I was raised with my mom, I could have totally went straight down her path, you know? But I was like, Yeah. Took a little detour and decided to end generational trauma basically. That's what I'm working on right now.

SPEAKER_03 58:56

Beautiful. Um, where can uh I'll I'll put a link. You can share with me a link to your book. Okay it's available, I'm sure, on Amazon or yeah.

SPEAKER_00 59:06

Um, so my book is available for sale at Turning the Tide bookstore in Saskatoon and also Amazon, and I have a few copies left, but yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 59:22

I'll put a link to that in the show notes. Um, Caroline, thank you so much for joining me today. Uh, it's been wonderful walking with you through your experiences, and I and I wish you all the best.

SPEAKER_00 59:31

Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_03 59:32

Take good care.

SPEAKER_00 59:33

Thank you.

SPEAKER_03 59:35

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