I Lost Both Feet to Addiction | Bud's Recovery Story

Bud shares his journey through heroin, fentanyl, Tranq dope, meth, homelessness, and seven years on the streets of Kensington, Philadelphia. After losing both feet to frostbite and nearly dying from addiction-related health complications, he was forced to make a choice. This conversation explores recovery, accountability, trauma, and rebuilding a life after unimaginable loss. 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

So my kidneys were failing with something called neprotic syndrome. They had to put a trach in to keep me breathing. They took off uh my shoes and socks, and I had severe frostbite. Um the the nurse took one look at my feet and she said, You're gonna lose your feet.

SPEAKER_00 0:18

Hard knock to talk. Bud, welcome to the podcast.

SPEAKER_02 0:23

Hey Daniel, thanks for having me on, man.

SPEAKER_00 0:26

Of course. Uh let's jump into it. When did uh when did substances get started in your life?

SPEAKER_02 0:31

Uh substances started um if I go all the way back at the age of 11 with nicotine, stole cigarettes from my parents, and it was you know something that you weren't supposed to do, something that that I was getting away with. Um from there at 14, I tried marijuana um weed, and that was at the time, uh like an answer to whatever internal problem I had going on as a kid, whatever, you know, it was like I don't know if I had an emotional problem, if if what, but I never felt like I fit in, right? So I had friends and stuff, but when I tried, when I tried substances, um, you know, actual drugs, weed, um, it worked. It worked for me. I was I was one of the guys at that point. You know, alcohol was a a given. And and I never really liked it much. I wasn't much of a drinker, um, even through my further addictive years. I tried pills at 16. My grandmother moved in uh after my grandfather died from from Georgia. She came up and she had gotten back surgery um, you know, in in the past, so she had pain pills. And I was hanging out with some older kids. Um they uh they asked me if I could get any pills, and I said, Yeah, you know, my grandma has some. So I I came in and I stole a couple pills, and they gave me like a a good amount of pot for a couple of pills, and then they ate them right away. And that kind of sparked my my curiosity in in like what are these pills gonna do for me if if they want to take them so quickly? Um so I I tried them uh shortly after that. I crushed them up and snipped them. They were per cassette, and uh they they fixed the problem even better than we did. Um, you know, and then uh I I started chasing that and it kind of became a habit. Um, I would do them about once a week when she would go out to play bingo. Um my mom worked the night shift, so she would be at at work from from nine. My grandmother wouldn't get home until like 11 or 12, and my father worked two to ten as a corrections officer. So um I had this period of time where I was by myself and I could go in and take these pills and get high, and nobody knew. Um so yeah, yeah, then uh pills turned into to heroin. Um, you know, when I got when I got my driver's license, I got more freedom and and I started really getting into pills um and doing them more than just once a week. Um then my parents and and family eventually started to catch on that these pills were going missing, so I had to find different ways to to get them.

SPEAKER_00 3:16

What did they say to you?

SPEAKER_02 3:18

That um that must have been a scene. They said, Yeah, yeah, it was. They said your your grandma's pills are missing and we're we're not taking them, so where are they going? And I denied it. Um, I you know, deny, deny, deny. I I said, you know, I don't know what's happening to them, and and it was a blatant lie, but they they had to have known it was me. Um, but I I guess they didn't really know what to do about that. Um, they'd never dealt with addiction or in the family. I mean, my my grandfather drank a lot, um, but as far as drugs, they they kind of just let it ride. Um in a way, trust was broken for sure. Um but I just worked around that as best I could as a a rebellious teenager. And then um, and then yeah, at 18 I tried heroin. Uh first time I did it, I injected it. It didn't do much. Um, so my friend told me he didn't give me enough. And I I did it again the next day, and that's like when I really I don't know, I I'd always kind of liked the feeling that drugs gave me this this kind of um release or this this peace, this quiet in my head. Um, but but heroin was uh wasn't quiet, it was silent, you know. And um from there I chased I chased that, I chased oxies. Um my father, like I said, was a corrections officer. So he one day he searched my room. We got into an argument. Um and he he called it um he called it vampire eyes, right? And I remember that that really stuck out to me when when my eyes would be pinned, constricted from doing opiates. He said I looked like a vampire. And uh I came home the one night and he was waiting up for me. I came home late and he was waiting up and he said, if you have vampire eyes when I come over there, it's gonna be a problem. And sure enough, I did, um, because every every day I spent chasing pills if I could or or dope. Um and yeah, we got we got into a screaming match. Uh he kicked me out. I said I was glad to leave, and then I moved in with a friend of mine. Chased pills more, and then I got further into dope, but I that's when I really kind of started on oxies, and they were more expensive than heroin. So I had to um, you know, I got a job in order to support my habit. And I I worked with my friend's dad, and we did um, we did some handyman stuff, uh, you know, roofs and porches and poured some concrete and stuff like that. And I paid him rent to stay at his house, and every other dollar that I got went to either pills or dope. Eventually I lost my job and I had I had nowhere to go. Uh, so I called my family. I had been, you know, staying uh uptown for like, I don't know, maybe a year and a half, two years or so. I called my family and I said, I got nowhere to go. I lost my job and I need to come home. So my dad let me come home, uh, surprisingly. And um when I was moving out, my brother came to pick me up, and he had just gotten out of the Air Force, and I went inside to grab the rest of my things, and he had, I don't know, maybe he just got a sense about it, but he started he started went through my stuff while I was still in the house and he found my needles um and you know a bunch of empty bags and stuff, and and he said, he said, what the fuck is this? And I didn't even lie. I didn't even lie to him. I said, uh, you know, this is I said, I'm a heroin addict, I'm a junkie, and I'm sorry. But but it was like I don't know, the the feeling that I got there, uh, like I like I let him down, you know, I let my older brother down. He was always like my whole model growing up. He was uh, you know, he had the girls and he played football and he he wrestled for another school um in his off time. So yeah, it was it was um it was a really bad feeling. And he said, You can tell mom or I will. It was a long trip home, very quiet. And um we got home and he said, Tell her. So I did. I said, uh, I'm a drug addict, mom. Um and then we sat down and we had this like family talk where we tried to figure out what we were gonna do about it. Um, I didn't think that I needed rehab, you know. They suggested I go to treatment, and and I didn't think I needed it at the time. Um, so I I didn't go and I tried to detox on the couch at home. And that lasted about, I don't know, three or four days before I couldn't take it anymore. So I started searching for uh um I didn't have any money, you know, I wasn't working anymore. So I remembered that my grandmother had pills in the house. So I'm like, you know, that'll that'll take the edge off at least. And I started looking for those pills, and instead I found uh my mom's jewelry, her jewelry box. Um and I I stole her jewelry and I sold it at a pawn shop. Um, you know, it was it was a lot of jewelry. And once it was all gone, because I I took it piece by piece, uh, you know, over a couple of weeks, and once it was all gone, I um I knew that I had to leave or that my father might actually kill me if he found out. So I I uh I I called my buddy, um uh a different friend, and I I moved over to uh a town c the next town over. It's called Shikshini, and I stayed in a little apartment over there. I told them what was going on, and you know, they let me crash for a while. Then I I found a girl that was into me enough to let me stay at her house, so that gave me a place to stay, and I um I got on unemployment by then, so I I was getting a little bit of unemployment money, and that was just enough for me to to continue getting high a little bit. Um, and and that's where I got introduced into the world of making meth and and cooking meth and doing meth and speedballs. Um, so I I got into that with some friends there, and we would drive around and and do that, you know, cook cook meth while driving and go down to these little abandoned areas by you know where where no one was gonna show up, where we had privacy and and we would cook. Um, and I did that for about a year. Um, the whole time I was I was doing meth too and heroin. One one day my mom called me. I hadn't spoken to them really since I had stolen the jewelry and left. And my mom called me once once they found out, she said, bud, what did you do? And all I could really say was, you know, I'm sorry. Um, I stole your your jewelry for drugs. And and um they managed to recover some of it from the pawn shops, but not all of it. So it was it was a really like really terrible thing to do to my family to to take that. And at the time I like I cared, but I didn't care um because I was just chasing the next one wherever I could get it. So um, so I got the call from my mom. She asked me what I did. I told her I stole it, and then I I said, I gotta go. And I I hung up the phone. Um, they pressed charges on me. So, you know, I'm I'm staying in this drug house in the the town over. And one day, um, and you know, this was during the uh this was also the bath salts era, so around like 2010 and 2011. Um, so I was doing bath salts and I was up for like I don't know, like three or four days by that point. And there's a knock on the door, and it was the police and they wanted to talk to me. You know, it was like your your worst fear come true when you're on a bunch of uppers or stimulants is that the cops show up, and they actually did. And uh he said, We can talk inside or outside, and he kind of like looked around and there was a bunch of paraphernalia inside, and I didn't want to catch another another kind of charge. So um, so I was like, all right, let's talk outside. And and he asked me what's going on, and I said, Um, like, what's up? He's like, Well, your parents pressed charges on you. Um, your dad asked me to come talk to you. The warrant hasn't gone through yet, so I'm here just to talk. So I told him I'm a drug addict. Um he offered me detox. I said yes. I went to a week detox. Um, I came out and I got high within two hours. And that's like kind of when I realized um how deep into the game that I was. Um, like I had never seriously tried to quit before, other than that time at my parents' house. I'd never like attempted to detox, and I was really naive to uh what addiction really means and what it means to be a drug addict. I thought that once you go to a treatment center or a rehab or a detox, that it was gonna fix you and that you you didn't have a problem anymore. So I I went to this detox and I used within like two hours. Um my girlfriend at the time saw me and and she said, uh, like, what the hell are you doing, man? And I'm like, Oh, it's cool. Like, I just went to this detox, like it's it's fine now. And she's like, No, that's not how it's gonna work because she wasn't an addict. So she said, uh, if I'm gonna keep doing that, then I gotta go. So I did. Um, I I left. I went and stayed with my old friend that I was um working with his family. I stayed with them for a little bit. Um eventually they got tired of me um not paying rent and not contributing at all. So they took me, uh, they they kicked me out. Um, you know, I was staying in a trap house. Eventually I ran out of money and I couldn't buy drugs anymore, so I couldn't stay anymore. Um, and I had nowhere to go, no one to call. So I called rehab. And that was like my first voluntary rehab. I knew that something had to change. I just didn't know how to do it. So that was my first 30-day treatment program. And um I was I was hopeful after that, honestly. I I started getting into AA a little bit, and I met some people. Um, and the day reporting center, like part of that was you had to go to meetings. So I I met some people there. Um, and when I when I got out of the rehab, I called I called the the DRC Day Reporting Center. I called them back and said, hey, I got I got out of treatment. I went voluntarily, like, can I come back on the program? And they allowed me to. Um and from there I I kind of I I laid off the drugs for a little bit, but I started drinking because that doesn't come up in the drug test. And that went on for a little while. Um until I started using heavily again. Um, they were gonna arrest me. So I um I ran again, and that's when I got back involved with um with cooking some meth with some some the those old friends um from before. And I did that for a little bit. I was I was on the run. And eventually like my my run started getting shorter. I checked myself back into a treatment center. Um, and this time I went for like 60 days, 70 days. Um, and I I had no options left, so that's why I went. And it was it was about 60 days in, and they called me into the office and they said that I'm out of county funding, so I have to go. And I called my grandmother because I couldn't go home. That's when I I got sentenced onto drug court. Um, so I started going to that. It was an 18th month program, and honestly, I excelled at it. I got into AA at the time, so I got into the steps, and it it worked for me. Um, you know, I I worked the steps and I got sober. I was sober for um almost five years. So I was sponsoring guys and um, you know, doing the whole deal, speaking at rehabs, um that stuff. And eventually I got away from the program, and then one day I was hanging out with this girl that I shouldn't have been, um, and I ended up getting high. And then I um I jumped right back into AA, and I managed to get sober for another two years. I picked up again, same story, uh hanging out with a girl, and she dropped some dope at my house, and I was so locked and loaded, and like just I was ready to use, I just hadn't had an opportunity. And she dropped this stuff at my house. I picked it up and did it, and um, it was spentanol. That was my first experience with fentanyl. Um, and I sniffed it, but um, I I got very, very high off of it, like a scary amount. Um, where I I thought I was gonna overdose, like I couldn't stay awake at all, like it wasn't like a normal nod. And um that that kind of set it off for me. Um, I used for about another week until I I said uh like something has to change or I'm gonna die. Um, because this this was probably around 2016 or 17. So this was when fentanyl was really starting to come into the area. I mean, we were losing like three people a week were dying in in like our immediate circles from people who had relapsed. I was scared that was gonna be me, so I went to treatment. Um, and I got out and I got clean for another year and a half. I had applied to be a corrections officer uh for the state of Pennsylvania. And the first time around I had gotten denied. Um, but once I completed drug court, uh my record got expunged. So that gave me an opportunity to to work for the state. So I took a civil service test um again, and you know, I passed it with blind colors, and I got the the call that they wanted to hire me. So I went to the the five-week training there and I started working at Dallas State Corrections Institute as a CEO. And it was kind of weird, you know, like having had a history of drug addiction and knowing that all these people are in there for mostly the same stuff. Um, you know, like 80% of your people in prison are there for drug-related crimes in some way or another, drugs or alcohol. Um, you know, recurring theme in my life, hanging out with a girl, got high with her. And then, like, like I knew that like I had this feeling that it was about to go like very wrong for me, you know. Um, like being a CO, I started going to work high, and um then eventually inmates started to catch on to me getting high. They're like, you know, Rodney, you're on something. We can tell, man. You know, we we can recognize our own. Um, you know, the one guy asked me, I remember he asked me to bring drugs in, and I was like, don't don't ever ask me something like that, man. You know, and and that happens sometimes is um corrections officers get turned into mules. You know, they get a they get a good deal, and inmates are smart, they got nothing but time. Um, you know, and I I say that inmates, but really it it's addicts, right? They're smart. Um, they got nothing but time, and and they want to make money or they want to make drugs. Um so they watch and you know, they warn us about it in the academy, the the corrections officer academy. You know, these guys are gonna try to manipulate you, they're gonna they're gonna try this, and it starts small and they work their way up. And yeah, I was making rounds one night uh after lockdown, and a guy offered me, he was like, Yo, Rodney, come here real quick. I was like, What's up, man? And um, he was like, You you know I can like get you a better deal on on whatever you're doing, right? I was like, what are you talking about? He's like, you know that shit you're doing, and that's when I told him, I was like, don't ever ask me something like that. And I shut him down. So, you know, that was like a I didn't have much integrity, you know. I'm I'm a CO shooting dope, but um, but like that I I'm proud of that I didn't do that, you know, because um, and uh I don't know, my my brother was a corrections officer as well, so was my father, you know. Um, and my my grandmother uh retired from there as uh you know inmate accounting. So my name was like tied to that place, and and I didn't want to I didn't want that to ever be on our name is that you know I was a drug mule for an inmate. Um I was getting out of control. I started bringing my drugs with me, and I would I would hide um I would hide it in like this field at the bottom of the the jail before I went in. So it would be right there when I got out. Because once you go through the gate, you can't leave during the Day. So you're stuck in there for the whole shift. So I would be sick by the by the end of my shift. You know, I'm I'm going in the bathroom and puking. Um, I'm sweating, you know, just generally miserable. And it was pretty plain to see that there was something going on with me, but um, I thought I was getting away with it. So um from there, I um my girlfriend now, um, Brittany, she was a friend of mine at the time, and she called me one day in and she had heard that I was getting high and she had relapsed after her grandmother died. So she asked me if I could get stuff for her because she was in this area. Um, she had been staying in Philly, and I was like, Yeah, sure, but like I said, this stuff up here wasn't great and it was expensive. So she was like, Well, why don't we go to Kensington? Um, it's cheaper there, it's better. And that seemed like a good idea to me. Um, so we went down and and we coped, and she was like, Look, she's like, You you can't like I was I was still working at the jail, so you know, even though I was doing drugs, I was still in pretty decent shape, you know. Um like I had the the shaved head and like a clean cut beard. Like she's like, you look like a cop. She's like, you can't go like that. So when we went down there, she made me wait back while she went and and coped. And um I and I saw what she meant. Like once we got there, Kensington was like an entirely different world. Um, it it it was I call it a junkie wonderland. Um, you know, that's that's what it was. Um it seems like the greatest thing when you're in it, when you're in addiction, because the the drugs are easy to come by, they're cheap, and and they they sell them on every corner. You can even get free samples on some blocks, you know. They they give out free samples. So we started copping there. Um, and and we would start we started going down about once a week um because we both still had money at the time. Um and then so we we would buy a lot, and then and then we started going down a little more often, and then we were going like every like two days to to cop after a while. And I went down the one night by myself um after I'd gotten the hang of it. And I went down and coped some stuff, and I was on my way back, and I parked in a parking lot and shot drugs all night. And um from from there, uh I'm on my way home and a cop lights me up for speeding, and I decided that I'm gonna run from the police. So it was a state trooper. I ran from them. Um, I was doing like 125 for like 10 miles running down this this road. Um, and I was gonna I had a plan to get away and I was gonna make this sharp right turn on this little road that I knew about, and I was gonna escape. Um, but when I pulled onto the street, he actually went past me. So that part worked, but there was a a giant oak tree that was down in the street in front of me that um that had like concrete barriers in front of it. So I was stuck. So I I got out of the car. Um I knew I was caught, and I just put my hands on my head. I got down on my knees, and the cop ran up and he kicked me in the head and put my my hands behind my back. They saw my duty belt in the back seat when they arrested me, and they were like, What's this? Um, and I said, Uh it's a it's a duty belt. They're like, What are you like? Are you a cop? Are you a CEO? Like, what why do you have this? I was like, Yeah, I'm the CEO. And they were like, Where? And I didn't want to tell them, and they told me they're gonna make one phone call and find out where it is anyway, as soon as they asked my name. So I was I told them, you know, it was at Dallas. Um and then uh I got arrested. I bailed out with my motorcycle title. Um and I don't know, a day, two days later, the jail called me and they were like, Yeah, we need you to take a urine for us immediately. And I'm like, Well, I can't, my car's in the impound. And they're like, uh, yeah, we'll come get you. You need to do this. So they came and got me, took me to go take a drug test. Um I failed, obviously. And uh they called me in for a meeting with all the higher-ups, the superintendent and lieutenants, and majors and captains were all sitting in this room, and um they're like, What's going on? And I told them, like, I'm addicted to heroin and I'm not really sure what to do about it. Um, they were like, Okay, well, it's not the first time we've seen this, so um, you have an option. And they sent me to rehab with the stipulation of one year probation um in the job after that, where they could search me at any time or drug test me anytime, and I had to take randoms and all this stuff. Um, and I was deep in the midst of addiction, so having any kind of extra supervision like that didn't sound appealing to me. So what I did is um walked out of rehab like three days after they sent me there. Um and I don't know, uh I I knew I knew what I was leaving behind when I did that. Like I knew that that was the end of my career. Um, and I I really didn't care that much. Like, uh honestly, it was like I was so wrapped up in the drug world. Um that that's that's all I could really think about or care about. So I went to Kensington with Britt. Um, we went down there together. Um and that's that's kind of really where where the whole thing started. Um, you know, my my life consisted from that point forward every day, all day long, about getting drugs. So I I started you know shoplifting to support my habit down there, and and I like integrated with with the addicts in Kensington, and it's an entirely different world, like I said. I mean, these these people eat, sleep, and breathe the streets, you know. Um, like I I've been shot at before, I've had guns pulled on me before, I've been beaten bloody before. Um, you know, all kinds of crazy stuff happened down there because like that's that's the way of life in North Philadelphia. And and it was like new for me because I'm a kid from like you see this area, I'm a kid from from out here in in the woods. So, you know, jumping right into the city of Philadelphia like that was like a shock for me, but we adapt, and and that's what I did. I adapted. Um I had to figure out a new way to make money. So what I started to do was um I started to learn how to inject other people for money, and I I realized that that was like an entire market in itself in Kensington. You know, you you had what was called hitters, and that's what they did. Um, and there there was a lady on the block who did it, and I watched her and I and I saw how she did it, and then occasionally people would ask me, Hey, do you know how to hit? And I did, um, but I I would only hit in their arms, and these people like to go in their necks, um, and I could only hit their arms. But I watched this other woman do it, and um, you know, sometimes I would I would hit those people and she would like get really pissed because like you're you're fucking up my money by doing that, um, because you got paid to do it, you know. Every everything had a a price in Kensington. It's it wasn't very expensive, but it was a price. Um, so once I I learned how to do this, um I started charging about five dollars per hit and I got really good at it. So I became uh I don't want to say not not famous, but I I was I was well known in the area that I operated in as uh one of the best, if not the best, hitter um for that that entire area. It it was an asset. It was a uh it was uh the thing with Trank, right? And that was the drugs that were in Philly was Tranquilizer, xylazine mixed with bentanol, um, is it really destroys your veins and it and it does it quickly. So um being a hitter became like a necessary role, and needing to be hit even more so um often by by these people because using the tank, they had no veins left at all anywhere. Um, you know, it got to that point, even even for myself, uh, and I was good at it. Like I could hardly even hit my neck anymore by the end. Um it got to the point where I would have to hide to sleep because there were so many people were looking for me that I needed to go somewhere they couldn't find me in order to even rest. Um, I think the longest I worked doing that was like 48 hours straight, just up with people coming to me all the time, all the time, all the time. As time went on doing this, um, you know, we kind of realized the full extent of what xylosine was actually doing to our bodies. And, you know, we would get these horrible open sores all over us. You know, I mean, I don't know if you can see on the camera, but I've got scars all over my arms, all over my legs, what's left of them, because you know, eventually I I lost my legs, but uh I'll get to that, you know. So we would we would get these horrible open wounds. Um, I had wounds on my legs like this this big around for like three years straight because they don't heal, because this xine, um, this tank is so caustic that it just eats away your skin and then it stops it from healing. So, you know, with that comes all sorts of problems. I mean, sepsis. I know so many people that have died from sepsis down there. Um, you know, I've I've had maggots in my open wounds before. Um, and like the first time that that happened, it was like a oh, it's like a psychological shock, you know, to um to see live bugs like eating your own rotten flesh. And it was like, like, how did I get to this point? How did I get to this point? You know, like like that, it's so bad. Um yeah, yeah, I mean it that's happened to me more than once, you know. Um, because you're outside all the time in the summer, so flies are uh a part of nature, and that's what they do is they eat rotten flesh, you know. Um as sick as you can get without dying is where most people end up, and then eventually it does kill them. Um, but you almost for me, like I hovered on that um life and death state for for longer, longer than I expected. Just just hospital stays and and rehabs, and I would AMA from them, so uh leap against medical advice um from almost all of them. I think I've completed maybe two treatments in my life, three detoxes, and and the rest I left from early. It all kind of came to a head. You know, I'd spent multiple years out there on the street, um, five and a half years, like living on a sidewalk, multiple winters outside, and eventually my body was just tired. And um, in the winter of 2025, it was bitter cold. I had gone to the hospital and my face was so swollen from the the substances that it caused kidney failure. Um, so my kidneys were failing with something called nephrotic syndrome. So my face would swell up. It's when your body retains a lot of water when your kidneys don't process protein properly. And I ended up getting a trach in. So I don't know if you can see the scar here, but they had to put a trach in to keep me breathing. I was in the um medically induced coma in the ICU for like four days, and I I got up out of the hospital and I left. Um, I I AMA'd from the hospital. I signed the papers, and they told me I'm probably gonna die, and that like I realized these papers are relieving their responsibility. And I said, Yeah, man, like I I really don't care that much, to be honest, whether I live or die. Um, so I was out there for about another two weeks with this trach in my throat, and it started to get really infected, and it um it was it was very infected, and the one morning I woke up and I couldn't feel my feet, and I wasn't sure exactly what was wrong. Um, and then then I I gave it another day or so, and then I I couldn't walk at all. Um, my feet were in severe pain. And I had stayed in a shelter um the night before I went to the hospital, and and I woke up and my feet were cold still after being inside all night. So I thought that that was weird. Um, you know, they were numb and that that that really scared me. So um I flagged some cops and I said, Hey, I I need to go to the hospital. And by that point, we were almost familiar with the police down there. Um so they they called in the ambulance for me after they looked, they looked at my throat and they said, That's really bad. You you need to go. And I got I got to the hospital. Um, and I don't know, I think a lot of the reason that I don't want to say a lot of the reason, but some of the reason was like, you know, Britt and I were both scared to seek treatment through this whole time because we didn't want to leave one another on the street. Like if I went, then then she would go, but then I would leave rehab and she would leave to follow me because she, you know, it it was kind of this back and forth. So but but this time I knew that something was so wrong with me. Like I I had to go or I was probably gonna die. Like I had that feeling. So I I go and um the nurses at the hospital, they they um they're looking at me and and looking me over, and they're like, wow, that's really infected. They're like, You you left with this in? I told them, yeah. They're like, what are you doing, man? And I said, I think there's something wrong with my feet too. So they they took off uh my shoes and socks, and I had severe frostbite. Um the the nurse took one look at my feet and she said, You're gonna lose your feet. Um, and that was like a my it was like an instant denial. I was like, No, I'm not. You know what I mean? In my head, I'm like thinking, like, no, that, you know, that's something that happens to other people. Um, but no, um, it it did it did happen to me, right? So I I went I went in and I had severe frostbite. I um they they talked to me after a couple of days when my my feet weren't getting any better, and they were like, hey man, um, you know, you need to make a decision here. They're like, either you're gonna have to get major surgery and have a lot of tissue removed on your feet, at which point, you know, you're gonna have nerve damage and um you know tissue damage, and we might not even be able to save them, or we can go ahead and and do an amputation of your feet and get you walking on prosthetics as soon as possible. And I thought about it for a day, and um the the doctor came back in and he was like, What are you gonna do, man? Because I I had to decide because my feet were rotting essentially. I was getting gangrene, and you know that leads to sepsis, and if that gets out of control, then you're done. So um, yeah, I said, All right, let's do it, let's let's do the amputation. Um, I didn't want to live with dead feet and nerve damage. Um, so they uh I had called my mom um at at some point during me going into the hospital, and and I told her that I had a really bad frostbite, that I'm not sure what was gonna happen. So she she took time off work to come down to the hospital and and see me this time around. She was like, I don't care. She's like, I don't I don't care if you're using drugs. She's like, you're my kid and I love you, and I'm not gonna have something happen to you, and I wasn't there, you know? Um, so that's like where where she was at with it. And um, so she came down to the hospital and and she saw me down there, and and she had she had visited multiple times. Um, she had come down and and tried to like get me off the streets with Britney a couple of times and and got us a hotel room. Um, so she was doing what she could, and and would you call it enabling, yeah. But um I think I think that she just it if something happened to me, because it was likely, she wanted to be able to say that she did everything she could, you know, um and that she was there. So yeah, so she came to the hospital and and I was I was set to go in for this surgery. She took the time off work and she's there sitting with me. And I went, I went for the surgery, and I I woke up and you know my feet were gone. Um and I remember before they did the surgery, I I stood up one more time, um, like even on my busted, busted feet, because uh I didn't know when the next time I was gonna be able to stand up would be, and I knew that it would be the last time that I did it on on my own legs. Um, so yeah, I I did like a little walk around the room. It hurt, but it, you know, it was like this, like one of those last things you do because you don't know what's gonna happen. Um so from there, I'm I'm recovering in the hospital from the surgery, and um I was in the hospital for five weeks, and that that brings me to February of 2025. And they asked me what what my plan was gonna be, where am I gonna go? And and I asked my mom, like, if I can come home, and she was like, Well, she's like, I have to ask your father. And um, you know, she she asked my dad, and he said, Yeah, you can come home and and recover, but he's like, I'm not doing the whole runaround thing again. He's like, you're you know, there's he's like zero tolerance. He's like, if I catch you doing drugs once, you're out. He's like, I don't care if you have legs or not. Um, it's like okay, fair enough. Um, and I had to accept that because I had nowhere else to go. And I didn't want to go back to the streets. It was like, I don't know if it was a wake-up call, but um I I knew that I I wanted to do something different, I just didn't know how to anymore. So um I came home and and I was I was recovering and then my right leg got infected, so I had to go in for another surgery at a local hospital here, and I was in the hospital for a week there. And um, you know, while I was in the hospital recovering, I was I was talking to someone and they were like, you know what, man, you have a good story, like you should write about it. And and I actually like I I did, you know, like I th I thought about it and I was like, I do have a good story. I I will write about it. And you know, if you want to if you want to talk about that, we can, you know what I mean? I don't want to um like push the book or anything, but you know you have a book published? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:44

Oh, well, yeah. Um look for the look for a link in the show notes uh at the end of the at the end of the show here, head on down there if you want to learn more. Um but I'm I'm interested to know um like tell me about your your your journey away from the dope. Like when when did when did that decision come? Was that in the hospital? Like has there been any slips since then? Like what what does that look like?

SPEAKER_02 43:07

Yeah, yeah. Um so I I came home in February 2025 and I I wanted to use drugs and I didn't want to use drugs. Um it it was I was torn in half. You know, I didn't want I I wanted the the bliss that it brought, but I I didn't want the consequences, you know, like any good addict. Um but but I I realized that that wasn't gonna be realistic and that I had to do something different. So um, you know, I I signed myself up for um counseling. You know, I started going to drug and alcohol counseling, and um I started going back to some meetings, but even then, even even so, um, I still wanted to use. So I I tried it, right? I I had a friend bring me some cocaine and I did it, and like it it scratched the itch a little bit, um, but but Not really. It wasn't the same. Um, and then I'm like, well, maybe if I try it again, it will. So, you know, the next month I tried it again. And then the next month after that, I tried it again. Um, and until actually June of 2025. That was the last time I used actually I got a a year sober was yesterday.

SPEAKER_00 44:20

Oh, beautiful timing. Congratulations, man.

SPEAKER_02 44:23

Yeah, yeah, it is. It is good timing. Yeah, a year sober for me was yesterday.

SPEAKER_00 44:27

365 miracles in a row, that's no small feat.

SPEAKER_02 44:31

No, no, it's not. It's not. That's yeah, I always thought a year is a big deal.

SPEAKER_00 44:37

Hey, if you're a parent in recovery, this might be for you. Rebuilding trust with a partner, a co-parent, or the people you love after the chaos of addiction can feel overwhelming, sometimes even impossible. You're not alone. Donna and I have lived it. And out of that experience, we built parenting in the storm. Work created for parents who are trying to rebuild connection without shame and model healthier relationships for the next generation. It started as retreat-style workshops in communities across Saskatchewan, but very quickly demand has grown far beyond what we can offer in person. So depending on when you're hearing this, there may already be digital resources or tools available through the link in the show notes. And if there isn't any yet, I assure you they are coming soon. If any of this resonates, you're welcome to explore it at your own pace. No pressure, just support. Wellness News Choice for Healthy Living is a local resource that works to connect people to health and wellness-related products, services, and expert advice from industry professionals locally allowing us to connect and engage. Check out wellnessnews.ca or skwellnesshub.ca today to learn more. Since 2008, 1,500 workers have stood up for themselves and won their union with SEIU West. Workers came together and won better conditions for health and safety, better pay, respect on the job, it's your turn to win. Canada deserves better, workers deserve better, you deserve better. Visit seiuwest.ca, link in the show notes, and click on contact so we can help you and your co-workers win your union. If you want to support the channel, there are a few ways. By becoming a paid member right here on YouTube and get early access to new episodes, you can buy us a coffee or you can pick up some merch. Links to all that stuff is in the show notes below. And of course, always remember to give us a like, leave us a comment, and if you're new, a sub to the channel would mean the world to us because it all helps us keep getting louder.

SPEAKER_02 46:30

I've had multiple years sober before, but I don't know. I guess it kind of feels different this time. It's like I have the past experience of sobriety, and uh I hadn't really had a major relapse where I was on a run since I had gotten sober before. I had slip-ups, but I was never like out there using like for real until I ended up in in Kensington. So getting sober out of that with my my past recovery, I just I feel like I've learned a lot from both of those experiences.

SPEAKER_00 47:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 47:06

Um yeah, it was um oh yeah.

SPEAKER_00 47:09

Um so yeah, to uh tell me a bit more about um what was that day like when you made that decision? Because it sounded like you were trying, you were dipping your toes in it, you were doing more research, as some people might say. Um what was different about that day in June? What happened?

SPEAKER_02 47:29

Well, um, I had gotten my first disability check. Brittany was still on the streets, um, and and I got a hold of her and I said, Do you want to go to rehab? And she said, Yeah. Um, she wanted to to change and do something different. So I got her uh a ride up to to this area. I got her a hotel room. I got um, I called a friend of mine who who ran a rehab um at the time, and I said, Hey man, Brit, Britt needs somewhere to go. Can you help her? He was like, Yeah, dude, say less. Like uh, he's like, tell me when she's ready and she's in. Um, so we got her in the the following Monday, you know, after after this weekend that she came up. So I I used meth with her that weekend. Um, and then I had bought drugs from someone that, and they were, you know, uh feds don't come after me, but they were sending it to me in the in the mail, and it had never arrived. So I had just assumed it got taken or something like that. Um, so so Britt had gone to treatment, I had used with her, and that was gonna be the last time, you know, I used and she used and how terribly romantic that is. But but no, um the the drugs arrived in the mail like two days later, and I was like, well, it's it's not like I'm not gonna do an eight ball of coke that's in front of me. Like I was still like I didn't really want to use, like I I wasn't necessarily going out of my way because I did want to be clean with Brit. Um, but the opportunity arose and I was still freshen up that I couldn't say no to it. Um, so I did it. I did it. And I got hype for like two days. And afterward, it was um, I just I felt awful. I felt guilty and and I was ashamed and I felt like a fraud because um I'm like trying to get into recovery and and Brits trying to get into recovery, and like, you know, I I have this persona that's someone that's trying to recover, and and here I'm I'm shooting coke, and it's like no, no, like these things don't vibe, and it it was a it was a a dissonance within me that I I couldn't abide. I didn't want it, um, I didn't want it anymore. And yeah, yeah, that was um I I used June 3rd. Um, and I used for like two days, June 3rd to um to June 5th. Um and then June 6th, I was I was out and coming down and miserable, and I was like, this is it, like I'm done, I'm not doing this shit anymore. Like it's it's not making me happy, it's making me sad. So what the hell is the point? Um and I had been there before where drugs stopped working. Um, you know, they stopped, they stopped doing that thing in my head that made me feel okay. So yeah, I I um I told my counselor, I said, yeah, like I I used, um, but like I don't want to anymore. So like what do we gotta do? So, you know, we we um I don't know, we put like a treatment plan together and and I started going to some more meetings and just just sharing about my experience. And on top of that, I had so much medical stuff going on. I mean, I had hepatitis C and um, you know, amputations that I'm I'm trying to heal and and set up prosthetics and do all this stuff that I would I was busy and I didn't really have enough time to dwell on the fact that I had like decided to quit drugs. So that that busyness, that mindset helped. And you know, my my family supported me. They get they gave me, you know, my my mother was my is is my caretaker, you know, and and she's a nurse for the last 30 years, a certified nursing assistant, CNA. So she knows what she's doing. So she was helping me to recover. And then, you know, I I got in to get my liver checked and my kidneys checked, and I I got treated for hep C and then I started mental health treatment on top of um, you know, drug and alcohol treatment because my counselor suggested it, right? Because I, you know, I I'm not dual diagnosed um with anything, but I had never done the mental health thing before. And she was like, Well, you know, it's it's something different, it's something you haven't done before, so try it. And and I was willing to do pretty much anything because I didn't want to feel the way that I had just felt after having used. So um, so yeah, I could I just kind of jumped in, you know, feet first and uh and and really got into it. Um prosthetics first just recent.

SPEAKER_00 52:23

Maybe that's a bad joke, I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 52:25

Yeah, no, it's it's not. I look, man, you know, there's some people who would abuse something like this to sit on their couch and get drunk all day every day. But um, you know, and it's not a bad excuse to do it. You know, losing both your legs sucks. It does. I'm sure. Um, and it it's a lot and it's hard, and you have to learn how to walk again. I mean, you know, when I when I first got him, I couldn't I couldn't take a step. I could hardly stand up, stand still in them, you know, but I pushed myself in PT and I decided that I'm not gonna be the guy who's miserable because something happened to him that he brought on himself. Like, who am I to have a pity party for for, you know? I chose to do drugs. And and though I do believe in the disease model, that after a point you lose your choice in the matter, I'm I'm responsible for my own actions, regardless of what's going on, right? I'm still responsible for how I act towards people, how I how I participate within my own life. And I I wanted to be responsible for that. I wanted that because I had just given up all of my responsibilities for the last seven years. I started getting high in 2018 and and got clean in 2025, you know, so it was a long run.

SPEAKER_00 53:53

Um did you hear anything? Like, so when you went back, you said you started going to meetings again and you were seeing a counselor and things like that. Was there anything that you heard in that time, either from your counselor or or in the rooms or or whatever? Is there anything that stood out to you? Like, is there anything that any any wisdom that you gained that really helped you turn that page? I mean, once you make the decision, that's one thing, but that to take action is a whole nother thing, right? So, like what what stood out to you that's the biggest thing? Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_02 54:23

Um, yeah, yeah. I mean, well, I mean, personal accountability to to me is is number one. I'm responsible for me. And if if I don't like the circumstances that I'm in, then I have to make a decision to change it, or or my my head space. But the the beautiful thing about like being in recovery is you don't have to do those things alone. So you have people that that help you along. And that was like big for me. It's just knowing that I have friends who care about me enough to want me to do well. So like a support group was huge, man, huge. Just like having community. But um in internally, I think something that changed for me was I I realized that it's all it's all your body, right? Um like living in in survival mode, like I had been for so long, rewired the way that my nervous system operates. I was on high alert all the time, right? Um and and at some point I had the realization that now that I'm not in those situations anymore, that normal is going to feel uncomfortable. Um, you know, love to me, like my girl, like my girlfriend saying she loved me. Like I know she loves me, but it it's like like you're so suspicious of everything. Like what is that? It's like, was she just saying that? Yeah, yeah. What what even is love, right? Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 55:56

Yeah, I understand um returning to that place of trust and safety and intimacy after meth particularly, because we all know what meth does, you know. And uh, and that that's part of our journey too. Like my my partner and I, like we did meth a lot together, and uh, and healing from that and and and understanding what what normal actually feels like, you know, that it's it's not a 14-hour marathon, you know. Yeah, um right. So so I I hear you, I hear what you're saying there around around understanding what normal feels like and what what is love actually.

SPEAKER_02 56:35

I just had to realize that it it's gonna take time for me to physically and mentally adjust to calmness and not looking over my shoulder all the time. You know, like like I had some enemies on the streets, like I did have to be careful, like I you know, I I've been in in some dirt that like I probably shouldn't have been, that leads to dangerous situations. And like getting getting used to like I'm in the middle of the woods surrounded by family, I have friends who are nearby, and to to understand that I'm not I don't have to defend myself from anything anymore was like an adjustment. The way that it is in in the street mentality is things can go from an argument to a physical altercation like that. And you don't know if if the guy's got a gun or a knife or a baseball bat hidden in his back pocket. I've seen I've seen it all. I saw a guy once walking up Kensington Avenue with a sword stuck out of his back, yelling for someone to call an ambulance. You know, you you never know what somebody's got up their sleeve, man. So yeah, just just adjusting to normalcy and and realizing that it was gonna take time for that to happen and allowing it to happen was big for me.

SPEAKER_00 58:00

I think something valuable that you just said is allowing it. You have to allow it to happen, like understanding that be that that normal or that that that not fight mode, fight or flight, you know, that you're in that. That's one thing, but but allowing it, not not making it happen. You're allowing it to happen. And that's that's a beautiful realization.

SPEAKER_02 58:21

Yeah, and you know, I mean, for for anyone that's that's out there that's like in in early recovery, like get get busy with something, you know, get get busy, whether that's whether that's meetings, whether that's you know, your your kids or your family relationships, or whether you know, you get a a hobby that takes up your time, get something so you're not sitting in your own head. I mean, that that was something for me. And you know, honestly, writing was was huge for that. One in in processing all the trauma that I had experienced over these last years. I mean, it was a lot. I got kidnapped into and locked in a trap house and beat bloody with a board because they thought I stole money, guns, and drugs from them, you know, like like just a number of situations that were traumatic and dangerous that you have to compartmentalize and put away for later when you're on the street because you can't handle it now, you know, or it you don't have time to deal with it now. So then getting sober and all that stuff isn't drowned out by substances anymore, it comes up and it bubbles up, and I I really didn't know what to do with it. And you know, like I said, I was I was in that the hospital for that week, and someone suggested, hey, like, why don't you write it down? So I started I started writing, and I started at the beginning when I was a kid, and I and I finished at the end when uh when I got I got clean again, you know, for for the last time.

SPEAKER_01 59:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 59:55

Yeah, and and how I've grown through that and the things that I've I've learned and and how I've processed everything that happened, and just being able to put it down somewhere on paper, like even if I had never published it, that was something that would have helped me tremendously. Yeah, just to not have it bouncing around up here, you know, because our our thoughts are dangerous, our thoughts are the problem, right? That's that's what the issue is as an addict, is our thoughts. Yeah, like I'm good right now, I'm sober, and I never have any other reason to use a drug ever again in my life, right now, physically, right? I'm I'm not addicted, but my thoughts are what can take me there.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:34

Yeah. Well, and I've been um I've been clean and sober for a while, and and there's times where lots of times where my thoughts still get the best of me. And it's not the it's not that I want to go and use, but it's just it wrecks my day. I'll worry about things that I got no business worrying about, you know. Like I'll I'll try to you know play God, so to speak, you know, thinking that I can control things. And I suck at playing God, man. I don't know a man alive that's good at it. So uh, but I try, my brain tries, you know? And it just it just causes it just causes nothing but but but misery in in my otherwise beautiful life. Like I I have so many blessings in my life, and and maybe you can relate to that.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:15

Yeah. I mean, my my blessings are unlimited. Just being able to go and and hang out with my dad and say, hey, what's up, mate? You know, you you old man, how you doing today? Like, that's a blessing. We didn't speak. We were we were ready to kill each other when I was using to be on on good terms, you know, is is a blessing in itself. My grandmother, I mean, at one point I had gotten angry at her and I I blamed her for what happened to me, you know. I I yelled at her, I said, This is your fault. I asked you for help and you you said you weren't gonna help me and and look what happened, and like that's that's not her fault, you know. And I had to realize that, but I've I've repaired that relationship from that that anger, you know, and and really like letting go of anger, right? It is a big one for me. Like I've never really been a very angry person, but when I do get mad, I get I get it it's it's hot and fast, you know, and then it and then it cools down. But but when it hits, you know, I say things I don't mean. Um, and I've just I've been better about that. Um and just I don't know, just overall just trying I try to be a a better person, man. Like that's that's the biggest thing um for me. I think the golden rule, right, is treat other people how you want to be treated. And and like I try to do that, and blessings come back to me because of that. Just you know, I'm trying to be a good, a good human being, you know. If you're out there getting high, like hopefully this this helps you like understand, like don't lose your legs, don't end up like me, yeah, you know, and do something different. And if you're new to recovery, like just just listen to people who have more experience than you, they won't they won't lead you astray.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:03

And um check out Kensington Beach on Amazon.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:07

Right on, bud. Thank you so much for uh for joining me today. You have a powerful story, and it looks like you're in a good way now. Um and and it's a beautiful day out there.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:16

Yeah, I feel good.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:17

Yeah, yeah, right on. And and I suppose I suppose that's it. Uh, like I said again, I'll put a link, uh, I'll put a link to your book in the show notes. Uh, I hope that hopefully a bunch of people will go check it out. Sounds like there's a lot that's still left to be said. Yeah. And uh, and that's it.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:32

You know, thank you for having me on, Daniel. I I appreciate the opportunity, and um, you know, keep doing what you're doing because you know you're bringing awareness and that really matters.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:42

Take good care, my friend.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:43

Thanks, man.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:44

Hold up. If this hit home or made you think, help us get these stories out there, smash that like button, drop a comment, and before you go, check out another episode. The more you engage, the more the algorithm shares these voices with the people who need to hear them. Big shout out to SEIU West, our official equipment sponsor, improving the lives of working people and their families and leading the way to a more just and humane society by near link in the show notes. Say this is Hard Knocks Talks.