My Minivan Became My Home | Emma's Recovery Story

Emma never imagined she'd lose everything.

She was a mother of five, a children's counsellor, and the kind of parent driving a minivan to soccer practice. But after a prescription opioid introduced her to a feeling she couldn't escape, her life unraveled with shocking speed. Within months, heroin and fentanyl addiction had cost her career, her home, and nearly her relationship with her children. 

Emma shares what it was like to live out of the same minivan she once used to take her children to school, suffer a stroke, continue using drugs while hospitalized, survive six weeks on life support, and ultimately find recovery through accountability, family support, and hope.

This is a story about addiction, motherhood, resilience, and discovering that recovery is about much more than putting the drugs down.

Emma's TED Talk

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I was now living in my van.

SPEAKER_02 0:03

The same van you took your kids to soccer in?

SPEAKER_00 0:06

The minivan that the mom has. That you're you drive your kids off at a school and you pride yourself, you know, on that. You know, that's your identity as a mother. And then it's gone. And then that van becomes your home. This is Hard Knox Talks.

SPEAKER_02 0:26

Emma, welcome to the podcast.

SPEAKER_00 0:29

Thank you for having me.

SPEAKER_02 0:31

Of course, let's jump into it. Uh, where did substance get started in your life?

SPEAKER_00 0:35

When I was about 35, I started to dabble with cocaine. Um, and then it just led further. But what got me to that place was being a mother of five, having a full-time job, balancing home life, work life, being, you know, the soccer mom, not being in a healthy marriage, um, all those pressures, financial pressures, having four kids very close together, and just doing the doggy paddle through life. You know, I was a children's counselor for six years. Like I said, doing the doggy paddle through life, affirming and believing that I was okay, but I really wasn't. And then again, helping others do the work, but I wasn't doing the work. And then I met uh my partner after my marriage, and he was into substances and uh alcohol and other things like that. And there was one morning I was really hungover, and um I felt really bad. And he had given me half of a dilated. I've never taken that before. It was a very small piece, but I remember how it made me feel. I just felt fine, I felt numb, I felt okay. I didn't feel any, you know, really anything. And I believed it was that morning where things progressed for me because it just allowed me to function without the feelings, but I could still go on using the dilated and functioning at work. And then that slowly progressed to um heroin. Um yeah, very, very slow. Um and uh it just when diluted wasn't enough or you couldn't get it, that's when um starting to source out, you know, on the streets and get involved.

SPEAKER_02 2:48

Oh, hang on a second here. Now let's let's unpack that because I mean what you just described, I mean you you grew up in a pretty healthy environment from from what you've explained. And and you know, you you said that you became a child counselor and you were working with children, and it it sounds to me like you you had a a good life. So when when the Dilated came your way and this this person came into your life, when like do you remember the moment that that heroin became a good idea? Like like how how did how did someone who is uh a children's counselor get to a place where they were standing in front of someone who could get them heroin?

SPEAKER_00 3:26

Yes, you know what I mean? You know, going going going back a little bit, and that's the shocking piece of all of it, you know, when people look at me and my life and what I've done, they're just like, how could that happen to somebody like you? You know, the mother of five children, all beautiful, healthy. But there were little pieces in my life that I did not deal with. And again, being a very unhealthy, abusive marriage that I was not able to get out of for so many years. I think for me, I was looking for any escape. And then when I met my partner very soon after my marriage dissolved, um that's just another piece that came into it. And it was like you said, it was just put in front of me. And of course, I was hesitant, but I had all these feelings in the back of just wanting to push back and not deal with it and avoid everything that was negative and stressful. And when it was presented in front of me, I did a little, it was like I did a little line, a little bump. And I just remember that feeling coursing through my body of just complete and utter bliss, essentially. I hate to say it like that because it is so um visceral. It's uh yeah. And then so it was just constant, you know, every day a little, a little bump here, a little bump there of the heroin. And then when heroin became scarce, um it became more fentanyl. And at that point, about three months after that, half of a diluted that I took, everything just everything just became um chaos, you know, losing my place. My children were now with their dad. Um I was homeless.

SPEAKER_02 5:21

Holy cow. Okay, let's let's take a pause here. So you you you lost your place. Now let's let's unpack that uh a little bit more. Yeah. Um, so you're you're soccer momming and and you're using heroin just sort of throughout the day. Um that's that's a wild transition in such a short period of time.

SPEAKER_00 5:43

It really happened fast, and I truly believe my family, well, they I know now they did know something was happening, but I was in my own entity, you know, nobody could tell me anything. I had to go through it myself. Um, and going back, yes, I couldn't pay the rent anymore. I had a beautiful place, couldn't pay the rent because that money had to go to my new addiction, you know, and with my job, I prided myself on my position with my job working with children and youth for so many years. And um that was like a huge loss in my life, losing my job. And that for me was the reality of holy shit, like I am literally losing everything, but I wanted to numb the pain. That was my focus. And um, and then again, when you're in that addiction, your your main objective at that point is to um not get sick now. So I'm at that point of so deep in that addiction that if I went without, it just was not good. So now I lost my beautiful condo, I lost my job, I got my severance pain, my letter of termination, which was devastating. And then my relationship with my children, of course. Again, I'm still trying to maintain that relationship. I'm still seeing them, I'm doing things with them. But while I'm using to now maintain normalcy. The relationship with my ex-husband was very, again, volatile and abusive. It was many years of that. So when the addiction became known and present, there was really no support from that part of him. Um, it was more like um uh like a victory for him, like I'm winning, you're losing sort of thing. It was a not a co-parenting relationship, unfortunately. Um from my work, though, they were always so supportive. We have the meetings with HR. Again, I'm lying, I'm okay, I'm doing the doggy paddle. It's all good, it's all good. I got this. Um, and then blaming, you know, blaming the system, um, blaming my manager for for whatever, just so, so stupid. Um, and not taking any accountability because again, when you're in that space, you don't want to be accountable. You just want to avoid everything and feel that feel that sensation of nothing really, of um uh not facing your um your obligations or your struggles. And again, when that letter came in the mail of termination, that was the finale, the finality of that career in that position. And uh at that point, I was now living in my van.

SPEAKER_02 8:47

Wow. The same van you took your kids to soccer in.

SPEAKER_00 8:51

Absolutely, yeah. You know, like the minivan that the mom has. You know, that you're you drive your kids off of school. And you pride yourself, you know, on that. You know, that's your identity as a mother. And then it's gone, and then that van becomes your home.

SPEAKER_02 9:19

So where did it go from there?

SPEAKER_00 9:21

Now in the van, living in Victoria, I was trying to access resources um just to really no avail. Again, I probably still thick in my addiction and avoidance. And uh my children were in Victoria too. I felt like I was chasing them, like I still wanted to be there. And I remember just living in my van on Beacon Hill and you know, having no money, any money that I had went to my addiction. And I remember going to 7-Eleven and just being able to afford a little slurpee and uh a donut and sort of surviving on that. There were many nights where it was just so dangerous, you know. It was, I didn't grow up again going back in that environment. So everything was so new to me. I didn't really know that world. I went from being the helper, the counselor to now on the other side, in thick in the addiction. Um, so yeah, there were many nights of just sleeping in the van, trying to source out food. Again, my main objective was to feed my addiction and fake some sort of normalcy still to my family. Um, they were begging me to get help, and they were always constantly helping in that way of trying to pull me out, but there was no pulling me out. I just I think I felt so much pain at that point with shame with not being there for my children. Um that was just so huge. And I think as any parent, you know, um when we're addicted and we have children, that love just never goes away. But the guilt and the shame is just it's it fills you so much. And um, you don't want to be in that position, but now you're just you're just there. You're just you're there and you're chasing the devil and you're just trying to, you know, get through get through the day. And it's it was really hard.

SPEAKER_02 11:42

So did you start to develop relationships with people on the street?

SPEAKER_00 11:47

Um, I did have a couple of relationships. So the partner that I was with, he would be the sort of front man for that. Um, he would go and source out the drugs and bring them back. Um and I sort of stayed, you know, in the backdrop, again, out of fear and not understanding that world. I was always the very um, when people describe me, the very happy, bubbly Emma, she's always happy, she's overly nice. You know, some people at my job would call me Mary Poppins, and it was just that's just who I have always been. So being that person in the underworld, it just it was just uh a conflict really of um personalities. So my partner would source out the drugs and bring them back.

SPEAKER_02 12:43

So was he like living in the van with you?

SPEAKER_00 12:47

At that time, yes. Again, he uh was an amazing man, a father, had his own construction company. Um and where that sort of started for him was um he was getting the dialotid from his doctor. Uh he had a severe back injury. Um, there was a period in time where doctors were uh being disciplined for their output of opioids, and so when that happened, his doctor was um severely uh penalized. And so what happened was my partner was completely cut off of those opioids. And so what do you do then? You go and source that opioid somewhere else, and so that's where all that progressed for him. And then again, I was with him, so I sort of followed suit.

SPEAKER_02 13:40

So this is something that you guys fell into together, so to speak. Like he wasn't already in the thick of it when you met.

SPEAKER_00 13:47

Yes, he was that's that's exactly right. I was the supportive girlfriend. Um, he had a drinking issue, so we sort of worked that out, but then again, the opiates and when those were uh discontinued by the doctor, um, it just again that's just where it all started. Wow, unfortunately. Yeah, yeah.

unknown 14:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:10

So what's the next thing?

SPEAKER_00 14:11

Oh well, I was very obviously sickly looking, you know, the effects of drug use, we know what that looks like, you know, um terrible skin, just you just don't look healthy. Um, so it was I about a year or two of that, and then during COVID, I had used the night before, and apparent um apparently in that drugs that were supplied was a lot of um like speed, other things, just not really fentanyl. And I ended up having a stroke and um I was rushed to hospital and it was a brain bleed that was so deep that they couldn't operate. And the doctor came in and said, you know, I'm really sorry, Emma, because I'm I'm having a stroke, but I'm still coherent, which is not good. And uh he said, I'm really sorry, but the brain bleed is so deep that we can't operate. So if the brain bleed doesn't stop, you will pass away. And I remember the doctor doing his notes on his computer, but talking to the computer, not typing. So I was hearing everything that he was saying, and he was using the words fatal. And then, of course, the RCMP contacting my children's father to let them know what was going on. It was absolutely horrific. Um so thankfully, um the bleed in my brain stopped due to the medication and being in the hospital, and I remained in the hospital for just over a month. I lost um all use of my left side, um, could not lift my arm, my face was just drooped, and it was again not good. Um, and being COVID, nobody could come into the hospital. It was a very, very lonely, lonely time. My partner that I was with, he would um bring me like a McDonald's milkshake in the hospital, and he would put the fentanyl in a little piece of tinfoil and put it at the bottom of the milkshake and have it delivered to me in my room in the hospital. And I would go into the bathroom and smoke the fentanyl in the hospital after I had a stroke.

unknown 16:48

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 16:48

And I, you know, when I look back now, what was I thinking? I was in a place where I could heal and have the resources to get better. But for whatever reason, that pain just kept coming and coming of, you know, the shame and the guilt. And I, yeah, I was using in the hospital, and the nurses knew everyone was really supportive, but they couldn't really, they didn't have that control. Apparently, I just wasn't ready to quit, even though I had every resource available to me in that moment. The pain just superseded everything else, and I just wanted to numb it.

SPEAKER_02 17:32

Were you afraid to leave the hospital?

SPEAKER_00 17:35

I was afraid to leave the hospital. I actually left the hospital on my birthday, and I left the hospital and I was very weak, and I went right back. Um at that point, my family had helped me get a little one-bedroom apartment, and I went back to that just to heal and get better. And again, being with my partner in that space, uh, the usage just became a regular pattern again for me. And then you're so entrenched in that relationship. You know, you love that person so much, so deeply, that it doesn't matter what anything looks like as long as you're together. You know, that bond, that whatever you want to call it bond, it just was very, very strong. That was your person going from that apartment and again running out of f funds, not able to pay the rent, continue, you're homeless once again. And now I'm in Vancouver, and we find a um shelter that you know both men and women can go to, and we end up being put in a little motel room in North Vancouver, and it was full of drug dealers, addicts, sex workers, you name it, gangs. It was all there.

SPEAKER_02 19:13

Was this one of those uh single occupancy residents?

SPEAKER_00 19:18

Yes, yeah, yes, it was, and it was um terrible. And at that point, I was at the stage of okay, you know what? This has to stop. I cannot go on like this anymore. And I my sister lived in West Vancouver, and I would reach out to her, and she was so supportive. She would come and get me, and I would stay the night at her house, and she would fill me up on protein shakes and and all of that stuff, and then she would drop me back off, and that same pattern used again. And at that point, the psychosis started to become a thing with me because it's not heroin anymore, you know, fentanyl, it's so many things that are all wrapped up in a in a ball. Um, and so I just was not myself. I was hearing things, seeing things. I'm like, hey, this is not good. And then one day, about probably about two months after being in that situation, single occupancy housing, um I knew that day something was going to happen to me. I just, I literally was so frightened. And my sister dropped me back off at the motel and she's like, I'll pick you up at four. And I knew I wasn't gonna be there. And I remember going into towards the motel room, and my partner looked at me and he had a bag, and he goes, Hey, babe, look, I have some stuff for you. And I looked at him and I'm like, I am not going in that room. I said, if I go in that room, I am not coming out. And I just left. I ran to the highway, I jumped on a bus, and the bus driver was lovely, and I'm like, just get me out of this place, get me across the bridge. Again, I'm in my psychosis, I think, at that point. And I find myself in downtown Vancouver, and that's where everything just went really bad for me. I just had no recollection of anything. I just knew my sister's name. And then the the uh city police came, they contacted her. My sister came to the downtown IGA in Vancouver, and I got in her vehicle, and she just took one look at me and she's like, Oh my god, Emma, what is wrong with you? And my pupils were so dilated, but I had Used, you know, in 24 hours prior to that, and I ended up in the hospital, and I had a seizure in the scan while they were scanning me. I aspirated and I ended up on life support for six weeks.

unknown 22:22

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 22:23

And that was definitely my lowest point.

SPEAKER_02 22:27

Yeah. Can you uh before we get too far away from it, can you paint a picture of what a day in the life of a single occupancy housing uh unit looked like?

SPEAKER_00 22:39

Yes. So what it is, it's um dilapidated motel, essentially, and they are all full of people with differing abilities, whatever that may be for them. And usually a nonprofit organization takes it over and they get um money from the government and many grants, whatever that is, a lot of money. And what that nonprofit organization often does is they will bring it back a bagged lunch to you once a day. Um, there's usually a staff there to sort of oversee any other issues around, and essentially it is a free-for-all, you know, um a lot of things going on, and um yeah, it just it was not a healthy situation.

SPEAKER_02 23:37

Okay, so um now you're you're in the hospital, you're on life support. Are you conscious? Like, are you waking up and aware?

SPEAKER_00 23:46

No, at that point I had um they had intubated me. So I had a trachea. I ended up having a double trachea because the first one was not a success. Um, hence why I sort of sound like Darth Vader sometimes with my breathing, sorry. Um so I was completely under. Um, and my family was told to come and essentially have their time with me. Um, I was not supposed to make it. They said up I had a 5% chance of surviving.

SPEAKER_02 24:22

And what was it?

SPEAKER_00 24:23

I had chest tubes in me.

SPEAKER_02 24:26

Sorry. Um what what was it? What was your condition?

SPEAKER_00 24:32

So they still to this day, they don't really have a diagnosis. They have ideas what it could have been because I had not used 24 hours prior. It could have been a severe, severe like reaction to not using or withdraw, or it could have been something from the drugs that created brain swelling. Um, it there, there were just so many pieces. I always feel looking back now, it was supposed to happen. You know, uh for me, I feel like it was my final, my final um push, you know, always asking for faith and forgiveness and strength. It was like Emma, this is your last chance. Like if you don't pull through here, there's I can't help you anymore. Um and so yeah, it was a very slow recovery, but for whatever reason, I pulled through and made it past that 5% chance.

SPEAKER_02 25:36

Well, it's interesting. It's uh hard to use drugs when you're intubated, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 25:41

Yes, very hard. You know, um sorry when I was becoming uh conscious, when I was becoming two, and um they were slowly bringing me back, um my partner had snuck into the ICU. He was told not to, and he did. He snuck in.

unknown 26:18

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 26:21

And he had like all covered up in the you know, the gown and the hat and everything, just looking so silly. And um, he came in and he was very, very quick, and he would always call me Emka, you know, Emka. And um, I had a Bible that I carried everywhere with me, and I still have it. And it even has like the like you know, the black smudges from the tin foil, you know, when you smoke. Um, and he had that Bible and he put it under my pillow in the hospital, and he kissed me, and he goes, You're going to be okay. He's like, You're not going yet. And then he left. And I never saw him again.

SPEAKER_02 27:21

Hey, if you're a parent in recovery, this might be for you. Rebuilding trust with a partner, a co-parent, or the people you love after the chaos of addiction can feel overwhelming, sometimes even impossible. You're not alone. Donna and I have lived it. And out of that experience, we built parenting in the storm. Work created for parents who are trying to rebuild connection without shame and model healthier relationships for the next generation. It started as retreat-style workshops in communities across Saskatchewan, but very quickly demand has grown far beyond what we can offer in person. So, depending on when you're hearing this, there may already be digital resources or tools available through the link in the show notes. And if there isn't any yet, I assure you they are coming soon. If any of this resonates, you're welcome to explore it at your own pace. No pressure, just support. Since 2008, 1,500 workers have stood up for themselves and won their union with SEIU West. Workers came together and won better conditions for health and safety, better pay, respect on the job, it's your turn to win. Canada deserves better, workers deserve better, you deserve better. Visit SEIU West.ca, link in the show notes, and click on contact so we can help you and your co-workers win your union. Wellness News Choice for Healthy Living is a local resource that works to connect people to health and wellness-related products, services, and expert advice from industry professionals locally allowing us to connect and engage. Check out wellnessnews.ca or skwellnesshub.ca today to learn more. If you want to support the channel, there are a few ways. By becoming a paid member right here on YouTube and get early access to new episodes, you can buy us a coffee or you can pick up some merch. Links to all that stuff is in the show notes below. And of course, always remember to give us a like, leave us a comment, and if you're new, a sub to the channel would mean the world to us because it all helps us keep getting louder.

SPEAKER_00 29:12

About you know, six months after I got out of the hospital, he passed away in that room, in that motel by himself.

SPEAKER_02 29:30

So when you left the hospital, was it different this time?

SPEAKER_00 29:40

Yes, yes, it was very different. I remember leaving, and my sister had brought me these white runners, white jogging suit, and uh I just walked out of the hospital very fragile. You know, when you're on life support for many weeks, you lose a lot of your function. And I just remember getting in the car, and I remember this all the smells were different. You know, when you're an addict, it takes so much from you. And so I remember smelling that fresh air, you know, the ocean and the wind, and and I just like embraced that moment and felt so grateful. And then my sister took me back to her home and really um supported me on my health journey, getting back to health, getting my strength back, and really just going through those motions of you know what? This is it. Like you have to make a change, it has to get better. It's going to be uncomfortable, but it has to happen, you know, and just quickly going back to that day where everything happened, going into the hospital. I remember I was on the highway waiting to get on that bus. And I literally looked up in the sky and I begged. I begged. I said, please, please, God, not today. I choose life, I choose my family. I'm so sorry. Please just let me live. Because I knew, I just knew that that day something life-altering was going to happen to me. So I had made a deal and I had to come through on it.

SPEAKER_02 31:38

It's so interesting to me that, you know, you you you look to the sky and you ask for help, and help comes in the form of being intubated for six weeks and incapacitated.

SPEAKER_00 31:48

Yeah. When I was intubated, you know, and again, I it's hard to talk about this because we unfortunately live in a time of skepticism and you know, all these things, but this is my truth. This is my experience. When I was intubated, I had seen my partner pass away. He was no longer, like I knew that he had died. So when he actually came and snuck in the hospital, my brain couldn't connect to him being there because he was he had passed. And so when I was under, I went to another place. And I remember my Nana, who has been past for many years, was on the other side, and she was holding my hand. And at that point, I was a little girl, I was 10 years old, and I had a buzz cut that my mother gave me, and I was so angry at her. But that's where I was in that space, and she was holding my hand, and I was so warm and comfortable and at peace. And she's she just said, Emma, like you have to go back. You're you're not here yet. You're not, you're, you can't be here yet. You got to go back. And I didn't want to go back. I just felt so safe, but I ended up going back. And then again, being in that hospital and coming to, there was a there was, oh, this always gets me. There was a a cleaner, a tiny little Filipino lady, and she would come in my room every day and change the garbage. And I'm like in my bed, wires, tubes everywhere, chest tubes, not really able to move. And she would be changing the garbage, and she would run to the corner and she would um look at me, and she would always like she would do like this sign, and then she would point to her heart, and then she would point to her brain, and then she would always make the signal of stay strong, believe you are going to get through this. I wish I could see her because that sort of stuff gets you through things, you know, that faith. And everything that happened and what I went through, that was part of my process to help me understand and be where I am in this moment.

SPEAKER_02 34:18

Okay, so um do you remember making the decision like to get to get clean, to get sober? Do you remember the moment?

SPEAKER_00 34:29

Yes. Um I knew I just couldn't do it on my own, you know, with nothing. Even though I was on life support and in the hospital for weeks, when all of those medications come out of your body, that those residual effects from addiction still appear. And I really wanted to be sure that I am not going back to this life. Excuse me. So I did end up going on Subox, and I was on a high, I think a 10 milligram dose, and that for me worked. It was a game changer, and um I just continued to use that for probably a couple years after, and I never relapsed, fortunately, but it was also doing the work, and along with the subbox and having a really good team of doctors and support systems, I was able to make those changes. But what it really was was being the space to reconcile relationships, you know, take ownership, write letters, take accountability, say sorry. I was in that space that I could do that. And I know from obviously being a mother and a counselor, I sort of had a little bit of a toolkit, but I knew that I needed to own everything. As hard as that was to face, I had to do it.

SPEAKER_02 36:17

So tell me um, tell me about a little bit about that. You know, you you come out and you start to find stability and and in all of the ways, um, housing and medications and and support teams. Um what was it like the first time you were able to come face to face with your children's father, with your children, with uh like parents, with all of the things. Um were they angry? Were they happy? What what did that look like?

SPEAKER_00 36:49

No anger, you know, um just all love and support. That was the the face of it. I'm sure there were a lot of feelings there, but I think they didn't want to present that at that moment. It was just about that those first steps of getting back into normalcy, whatever that was. Um, the relationship with my my children's father never really existed pre and post, unfortunately. Um so it was just my family were the middleman of you know getting the children and bringing them to me and working through that relationship. I wish it could have been different, but it it just wasn't. Um and my children were just children are so resilient, you know, they're so resilient, they're so strong, you know, to have to go to a hospital, you know, and hold your mother's hand and say essentially bye, and hold that space. Children are so strong, but at the end of the day, they just yearn for that relationship. They they want their mom, they want their dad. And so for them, it was a slow process because they kept looking at me, you know. When is the other foot gonna drop? Like when is it gonna change? Is she going to get sick again? Is she going to leave us again? You know, it took a while for the trust to be rebuilt. And I feel that there will always be residual effects from that time. And those relationships to this day are still building. You know, I have five beautiful children, you know, and with a few of them, I speak with them every day, and we're so close. And, you know, for my my son, my oldest son, it's not that way, but it has to be his process, you know, in time. He knows I'm always there. Um, we do speak, but we haven't really had that conversation of, you know, I'm I'm really sorry. And I believe that it will happen, but addiction takes so much from people, you know, including your life. But those relationships, there's a lot of damage done in that time, even though it might have not been years and years, the damage is done. And it just takes time to to work through that and you know, be as delicate as you can be and appreciating their timeline. It's not my timeline, it's theirs.

SPEAKER_02 39:47

Yeah. So do you remember any point during your recovery where um the victim mentality dropped away? Um, where when we're in addiction, we want to blame like you mentioned earlier, you wanted to blame the manager, you wanted to blame your kid's father, you wanted to blame everyone the deflection. Do you do you remember the moment that that went away and you you felt the weight?

SPEAKER_00 40:12

I blamed my mom. I blamed everybody, you know, for so many years. And I remember now being free of substance in a space that was healthy. I would just remember sitting on the couch downstairs in my sister's beautiful home on the ocean, and the air was just coming at me, that ocean breeze. And I remember just sitting there and I'm I just was talking to myself, and I just said, you know what, Emma, nobody owes you happiness. Like you, you have to be accountable. Like you have to stop blaming people. You were in charge of your own happiness, what happens and how that happens for you. And I don't know what it was. It was all of the manipulation and lies and blaming that I had up here that just sat on both shoulders for so many years, it just went away. And I I've never felt so light in all of my life. And that moment, that's when it changed for me, and my energy within myself just became so much more fluid and um just taking control of what needs to happen. And then those relationships just flourished, you know, um, because I it wasn't anybody else's fault, you know, things happen, yes, and I'm not taking that away from anybody. Horrible things happened through my life, you know, in and out that probably should never have happened, but they did. But at the end of the day, in this space, I am in control of my own happiness. And um then people want to be around you after you have that revelation. I don't know if that was for you too, but nobody wanted to be around me. I was miserable and I I I was just I was a neg nelly, like I was a negative Nelly, and and people didn't want to hear that.

SPEAKER_02 42:29

Well, and being resentful is is a lot of work. Oh God, yeah. And it for me, I and and maybe this is for you too, like putting down that resentment opens up space for other things. Yes, and and it's that that saying that that uh I'm in control of my happiness, that's that's an interesting that that's worth unpacking because like when I first heard that, I I laughed, I scoffed. I'm like, oh, so I can just decide to be happy and then I'll just be happy. And like that, that's not I don't think that that's what that means, right? Because you can't lay on your couch and daydream your way into a better life. Like happiness, and I get I get pushback from this from some people, but to me, happiness is not free. And no, gratitude is is an action word. Do you agree?

SPEAKER_00 43:24

It yes, absolutely. It's not free. You have to do the work, you know, you have to make that that move, that statement within yourself that okay, you know what? Today it changes, you know, it's it's not up to my family anymore to hold that weight, you know, or to just um take me as I am. And, you know, no, that's not good enough. It's it's a lot of work. It's day by day. It's again, it's having those conversations with yourself and And understanding that um like another thing, you know, my mom always says is that you come in this world on your own and you leave on your own. And again, it's uh it's just um doing that work, being accountable.

SPEAKER_02 44:15

Yeah, that uh accountability, I like that. Um in in my recovery, um my uh my mother offered me those opportunities to be accountable. I'd ask her for rides and I'd ask her for this and I'd ask for that. Yeah. I thought that me just getting just not using drugs uh entitled me to all of this extra help, you know? Yes, and um absolutely and she wouldn't give me a ride, but she she drove me to the pawn shop and bought me a bike. She said to pedal your ass. And that that might have been one of the greatest gifts my mother ever gave me in recovery is the opportunity to be accountable.

SPEAKER_00 44:51

It's such a it's actually such a gift, you know. Um same thing with myself. It's like, okay, well, you know, I'm sober now and I'm a different person, so now please lay out the carpet. No, it doesn't work like that. We want to. That's just that's where the work begins.

SPEAKER_02 45:07

Yeah, yeah. Putting down the dope is the easy part, so they say.

SPEAKER_00 45:10

Yeah. It really, you know what? It really is. There's a lot of repair work to do after that. There is life after addiction. You know, there's so many amazing, amazing possibilities. There's new relationships, new career paths. And I truly believe we're in an age of storytelling. You know, we learn from each other. And, you know, like your podcast, you know, you're sharing so many people's stories. And it just takes one person to listen to that one story, you know, that resonates with your you identify with that person or story or whatever that may be, but it just gets better, you know. Now being the place where I am, everything is just so incredibly amazing. And the gratitude that I have every day, just being able to wake up, eating really good food, and being able to taste it and just be in that moment and going for walks, being active, riding a bike, you know, attending my daughter's wedding. Um you just appreciate everything so much more because it could have been taken away so so quickly because of selfishness and addiction.

SPEAKER_02 46:46

Uh so what does life look like today then? Like what you said new career, new relationships, like what does that look like?

SPEAKER_00 46:54

So I work for Interior Health, uh, our health authority in BC. Um, I work on the O team, so I'm a clinician there. Um, so I work in addiction every day. I do that. Um, I did do a TED talk in Grand Prairie in October in two years ago. And then I just started my own sort of up and coming grace and grit. And um just sort of again like this storytelling, you know, sort of getting that word out there and helping others around me. And uh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 47:37

Okay, so um is is your TED talk on YouTube? Like, can we put a link in the show notes?

SPEAKER_00 47:43

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 47:44

Okay, but for now, Emma, uh, thank you so much for joining me today.

SPEAKER_00 47:48

No, I was gonna say you're absolutely amazing, and you know, just you really are so brilliant at what you do, and your delivery and your um your aura, everything is just so graceful and very compassionate and very kind.

SPEAKER_02 48:05

Oh, thank you very much.

SPEAKER_00 48:06

So I do appreciate you and thank you so much for being patient.

SPEAKER_02 48:09

Of course, of course. And I will throw a link to your uh to your TED talk in the show notes, and um, I don't suppose there's a link for your book yet, Grace and Grit. So if you're if you're watching this down the road a little bit, uh give it a Google, Grace and Grit, and uh hopefully it pops up. And uh Emma, I suppose that's that's it for now. Thank you so much for joining us and uh and take a care, my friends.

SPEAKER_00 48:30

Thanks so much, Daniel. I appreciate you.

SPEAKER_02 48:33

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