Sit Down Stand Up

What I did this summer…after a minor 34 year hiatus from stand up comedy BergsBrain gets back on stage. Here’s a look back at where it all began. 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey everyone, welcome back to Berg's Brain. I hope you guys all had a great summer. I cannot believe that eight months of the year are over And with it being September, God knows we're days away from a few of my psycho all-in holiday neighbors from firing up their Christmas lights. Joy to the fucking world. So, it's been a few months since I recorded my last Berg's Brain episode, Guns and Wozes, which was one of the most listened episodes to date. Guess when you mix gun violence and porn, people listen. And as I do each year, I took the summer off from my podcast to spend time with family. travel, grow weed, and recharge my Berg's Brain brain. And though I try my best to completely get away, my Berg's Brain brain never really shuts down. So the good news is that I've been gathering tons of new ideas that I can't wait to share with you in some upcoming Berg's Brain episodes. Now, one activity that I really enjoyed over the summer was getting back on stage at several Bay Area open mics to do stand-up again. It had almost been 30 years to the day since I'd last performed, and it's been a blast doing live comedy. I mean, it's just such a great format, and I love that within seconds, you know if an audience likes you, and if they find you and what you say funny, or they think you suck. Nothing like it, and so different from recording a podcast or writing a short story is you don't get that immediate feedback and response. And I've got some really great stand-up stories from this summer and a ton from the past, but I think I'm going to save them for a future Berg's Brain episode where I'll talk about stand-up full-time. For now, I'm going to share four routines with you. The first is a recording from 1989 in a small Grass Valley, California bar with maybe 20, 30 people tops. It was one of those magical nights where I didn't know if it was a crowd that was going to get my style, but they were amazing. They were so into the show that after all the comics did their sets, they asked us to come back up and do more. I mean, we're pulling out notepads, doing improv, riffing on new material, and it was a blast. Unfortunately, we'd broken down the camera and recording equipment after our first sets, and since this was a time way back before cell phones, not one of our second sets were recorded. Man, I wish I had that second set on tape, as the audience loved it too. Now, the second set you'll hear was recorded a few years later in 1991 at the Crest Theater in Sacramento, California, during a homeless benefit fundraiser that a few of us local comics put on with nearly a thousand people in the audience. And you'll notice in this set, I'm just starting to expand my tighter, short, one-line-ish jokes into stories. And what makes me most proud of this show, besides the$100,000 we raised for the homeless, is that this was the first time I'd ever told longer stories on stage. I'd never done them before live, ever. But I just felt so comfortable with an audience that was so great, so supportive that I went for it. And that go for it, take a chance, what the hell risk taught me a great life lesson that I still use to this day. Now, the third and fourth routines you'll hear are sets I'm working on but haven't performed live yet, but hopefully very soon will. These sets are more along the lines of the fully developed stories you hear on Berg's Brain, and I think you'll get a kick out of hearing the sets and the evolution of my style from one-liners and quick observations to lengthier stories that ultimately led to the long-form story style for the Berg's Brain podcasts. But before we get to the standard performances... I want to call out and thank the wonderful and devoted listeners in Frankfurt am Main, the most populous city in the German state of Hesse, with roughly 800,000 inhabitants. See, late last week, I learned that Berg's Brain has been listened to by over 10,000 people in that great city. You are far and away the largest audience, regular latest thing to Berg's Brain in any city outside of America. I mean... I guess it's only fitting that Berg's Brain would be popular in Germany as my last name Berg is a German name meaning city or mountain. And it's kind of funny that my wife's maiden name is Hill. So a mountain married a hill. Go figure. And with such a large and loyal following, hopefully with a little planning, I can get to Frankfurt next year for a little in-person Berg's Brain performance. And if I can nail that down, I will definitely make sure and let you know so we can all meet up for a night of stories, laughter, and a few hundred liters at the Frankfurt Hofbrauchhaus. So to all my German friends, especially the 10,000 in Frankfurt, danke, vielen danke, danke sehr, danke schön, danke. Berg's Brain is sponsored by AAA. the American Automobile Association, and its newest AAA locations in Miami and Israel. AAA is proud to announce we've branded these new locations to closely connect to our local customers. So we've changed our name in Miami and Israel from AAA to AAA. AAA will specifically cater to these incredibly large Orthodox Jewish populations. And since Orthodox Jews don't drive on Sabbath, there's no emergency roadside service from sundown Friday, Till sunset Saturday, so we can pass along the savings to our Miami and Israeli members. Triple Oi reserves the right to tow-only male drivers that can prove they've had a bris, and female drivers that excel at inflicting extreme guilt upon our tow truck drivers like only a good Jewish mother can. Triple Oi will drive you my sugar. Play us away, Peapod. So here's that first set from Grass Valley, California, way back in 1989. applause Well, I gotta be honest with you guys, I'm a little bit nervous tonight. In fact, last time I was as nervous as the night I lost my virginity. And I gotta tell you, I don't know if I can take this kind of stress two nights in a row. I recently went out and bought a new sports car. Bought a Hugo.

UNKNOWN 6:59

Turbo.

SPEAKER_00 6:59

And this baby goes from zero to 60 only when I'm being towed. And because I got the turbo model, the dealer threw in a few extras, one of those being a passenger side view mirror. He said that this one had red line objects in mirror are laughing at you.

UNKNOWN 7:29

And I said,

SPEAKER_00 7:31

Well, I got stopped by a cop the other day for driving by myself in one of those carpool lanes. Thinking quickly, I tried to get out of the ticket by telling the cop I was schizophrenic. And I told the cop at this very moment, there are actually three other people in the car with me. And he smiled and seemed to write me four fucking tickets.

UNKNOWN 8:01

And I told the cop,

SPEAKER_00 8:22

Before I started doing stand-up, I used to work in advertising, but I got fired because my ideas were thought to be a little too risque. For example, I did an ad for X-lax that went, X-lax, for people who just couldn't give a shit. A few years ago, I wanted to get into radio, so I applied to the Columbia School of Broad Unfortunately, I didn't get in because I flunked the emergency broadcasting test. I grew up in the Midwest and I lived on a farm. Our neighbors thought we were weird because we raised boneless chickens. I thought the chickens were working because they laid yolk-less eggs.

UNKNOWN 9:43

Did I do the X-Max joke already?

SPEAKER_00 9:44

Well, I did it. I did it out of order. Now I have to start over. That happens. My girlfriend has one of those snobby purebred French poodles. Unlike most dogs, Beefy does drink out of the toilet. But only if there's a slice of lemon in it. I used to work as an animal trainer. My specialty was teaching parrots how to mime. The hardest part of the job was having them sit still and I wrote that white stuff on their beaks. A few weeks ago, I was in a restaurant and I forgot my wallet. So after the meal, the owner made me go in the back and wash dishes to pay off my bill. While it was a little embarrassing and dawned on me, who really needs money? For example, yesterday I went to the dentist. After my examination, I said, sorry, no money. 20 minutes later, I was in the back throwing candies. I'm kind of excited because tomorrow I'm taking my girlfriend to the guy an ecologist. It takes a while sometimes. I was recently in Mexico, and while I was there I went to a casino. Their casinos are very much like our casinos, except at the craps table they use those big fuzzy dice. Siete. A lot of people think my dad is weird because he replaced the grass on his lawn with artificial turf to cut down on the maintenance. I think he's weird because he still mows it once a month. During the late 60s, early 70s, I lived in Berkeley. During that time, the post office in my neighborhood coated the backs of their stamps with LSD. And I soon became an Abbott stamp collector. The very one holiday season, I sent out 16,000 Christmas cards. Two months later, I was finally able to get some sleep. For my high school science project, I wrapped aluminum foil around the antennas of insects to see if they could get better reception. A few weeks ago I went out and bought a box of endangered animal cookies. I took a bite out of a humpback whale and I got sentenced to six months in prison. I wonder if Fred Flintstone thinks it's weird that when he takes vitamins, they look just like he does. If a mummy sprains an ankle, will an ace bandage really help? When people in the Bible stay in hotels, what book did they find in their nightstand drawer? What do illiterate men do on the toilet? When Geronimo jumped off a cliff, did he yell, meeee? Well, a few months ago I was stranded on a desert island with five doctors when suddenly a coconut fell from a tree and struck me in the head. The doctors rushed over to me and four out of five of them gave me bare aspirin. The other one gave me a joint. Now he's my family doctor. All right. So set two again from 1991, the Crest Theater, Sacramento, California, a homeless benefit for about a thousand people. Great show. Great night. Enjoy. Thank you. Hey Grabs, nice to be here. I guess being the size of the crowd, I gotta be honest with you guys, I am a little bit nervous tonight. In fact, the last time I was as nervous was the night I lost my virginity. And I gotta tell you, I don't know if I can take this kind of stress two nights in a row. That's actually a joke. I'm hoping to lose it tonight. I haven't always done stand-up comedy.

UNKNOWN 16:21

Before this, I worked in advertising, but I got fired because my ideas were thought to be a little too risqué.

SPEAKER_00 16:23

You may have seen one of my ads I did for X-Facts that went, X-Facts for people who just couldn't give a shit. It was on cable, I think, for a week. A couple weeks ago, I got stopped by a cop for driving by myself in one of those carpool lanes we have now, and thinking quickly, I tried to get out a ticket by telling the cop I was schizophrenic. I told the cop at this very moment there were actually three other people in the car with me. Well, he smiled and proceeded to write, hey, four stinking tickets. So I jump back on the freeway and I'm following, I see this big semi-truck, you know, and I think back to when you're a kid, you know, and you want to get a truck driver to honk his horn, you know, you do this little thing here. So I figured, well, I haven't done this in a few years, so I'll see what happens. So I drive up alongside the driver, look over, smile, and go like this, and he looks back, smiles, gives me the finger, and slams me into the guardrail.

UNKNOWN 17:16

laughter

SPEAKER_00 17:17

And as I was coming out of my 34-360, I did hear him honk his horn, so I guess this is still the proper thing for those of you so inclined to go out and try this. So I get the insurance money because my car is towed, and I went out and I splurged. I got a new sports car I'm pretty happy about.

UNKNOWN 17:40

I bought a Geo.

SPEAKER_00 17:41

Turbo. And because I get the Turbo model, the dealer threw in a few extras, one of those being a passenger side view here. Except this one had written on it, objects in here are laughing at you. One lady, I think, has a T.O.

UNKNOWN 18:08

over here. I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 18:09

one of those car bumps and a G has a string attached to a tin can. It raged like one car over at a stoplight or something. That's kind of weird. I'm a little bit out in California now, but I grew up in the Midwest, and while I was there I lived on a farm. Our neighbors thought we were a bit weirdo because we raised boneless chickens. At the same time, my dad also owned a gas station, and the cool thing about having having a dad to own the gas station was that back at the house, he never made us clean our bathrooms either. Of course, the bad thing was that I had to use it. I had to find a mess and for the damn key, which was connected to this huge block of wood. Dad, I'm not going to steal the key. I live here. OK. And at the same time, my mom was an English teacher at her local school. And she was really into grammar and spelling and things like that. And I remember that she only us to eat that alphabet cereal, you know, so we could learn how to spell and eat, I guess, at the same time. Which, you know, wasn't that bad, but after a couple years, I started spelling stuff in the bowl like, Mom, this stuff really sucks. Next time, how about some stinking apple jacks? You know, which was a pretty amazing sentence to fit in a little cereal bowl like that. You know, to keep the letters from moving and jostling around constantly in the middle. I devised this incredible anchor system of about three inches of grape nuts with a little milk to make a cement base and I will put the letters in. And my mom would carry this thing, like, through every other meal. It was incredible. It was like, at lunch, you know, it was like alphabet soup or spaghettios. And I, of course, chose the spaghettios, because your options are kind of limited, spelling ooh or oh, which was really cool. But the alphabets were kind of a strange thing, too, because I'm not sure if you're aware of this, in that there's a defect, a deficiency, I guess you could say, with alphabets, in that cereal comes with no punctuation. So you're spelling, like, these incredibly long, run-on sentences in the bowl, and my mom, the English teacher, is like, hey, hey, hey, where's the comma? So I'm, like, biting O's in half and sticking them in here. Which wasn't that big a deal, except, you know, sometimes I leave my mom a question in the bowl. Hey mom, what's for dinner? You gotta have teeth like a rodent to carve out a question mark. And while I made fun of that time of my life, it was good because I did learn the spell and things like that, but it did lead to one of my more embarrassing moments because a few years later I went over to a friend's house and she wrote out that game Scrabble and I ate all the letters. I'm like Judy, I think she said, things are a little stale.

UNKNOWN 21:23

I checked the expiration date.

SPEAKER_00 21:24

She got really upset at me and I had to leave. So I went home and later I had to go to the bathroom and I was sitting on the toilet squeezing out the word constipation one wooden letter square at a time.

UNKNOWN 21:28

And I looked down, it was a triple word score, 300. Cool!

SPEAKER_00 21:33

about three boxes of grape nuts to mix it around. And that stuff hardens to holes. You can't sandblast that stuff outside. You just have to throw the toilet away. And while I was a good English because of the spelling and everything, I was absolutely terrible at history. I remember about third or fourth grade, this John Center history teacher called on me and he'd stand up and he'd say, can you tell me when the War of 1812 was fought And I got a little nervous, and plus I go, oh, okay, that's a great question. And I said, obviously, the War of 1812 was fought in the daytime because they didn't have electricity back then. Which is not right, so I added like a year to my graduation date. And while I was good at English, terrible at history, my favorite subject was science. I really enjoyed that. But my teachers thought I was a bit bizarre. For example, for my school science project, I wrapped aluminum foil around the antennas of insects to see if they to get better reception. Then a couple weeks later, we had show and tell in the same class, and I brought in a box of endangered animal cookies. And my teacher took a bite out of a humpback whale, and she got sentenced to six months in prison. So that had another year in my graduation day. So I'm 21. I finally get out of high school. And I got in trouble with the law. It's the only time that I was short on cash. So I went out and I decided to rob a bank. And I disguised myself by wearing a stocking over my face, unfortunately. I made the mistake of wearing a Christmas stocking. What made it even worse is that the stocking had my name sewn across the top of it. Kind of a giveaway there. But things are going pretty well for me now. I'm kind of happy because I went out a couple weeks ago and I got a dog. And I got him at the pound, so I'm pretty happy about that. And you can tell the dog is from the pound because it's covered with tattoos. So I bring the dog home and I figure better give him a name because that way you got like a 50-50 shot that'll come when you call him. So I was going to do like that Indian thing, you know, where you name something and an animal or something that it does, you like it, you saw it when he dances with wolves, for instance. So I was going to call the dog shits all over the place. But I already have a kid named that. So the dog helped me find a yearbook or something. So I called him Help, and I know it's a weird name, and maybe not the best of things, because sometimes I let him out late at night. I'm on the front porch yelling, Help!

UNKNOWN 24:23

Help!

SPEAKER_00 24:23

And the neighbors come running, which I think is kind of bizarre that there's that many people in my neighborhood named Help. So So the dog is a great dog. He's got two weird problems. One, he has a very weak stomach, so that if he eats something, he'll throw up. And the second one is that he's very sensitive, so that if you yell at him, he pees all over the place. You come in, he's eating your shoe, and you're like, God damn it, help, and he starts peeing.

UNKNOWN 24:50

So you're like, okay, good.

SPEAKER_00 24:51

I'm glad you're eating my shoe. Why don't you come outside so I can kick your ass out here? So I go, this stuff is about to end. I'm not going to deal with this stuff anymore. So I take him to the vet, and That was this very, very attractive woman. And so I brought him in and she said, okay, let's deal with the stomach issue first. And I said, you know, and she asked me, she said, have you seen any of his stool sample or bowel movements lately? And I said, well, yeah, but from an extreme distance. So I think I can help you out on that one. And so she goes, okay. She takes a surgical glove and she inserts it into his rear. And the dog is now salivating in a way that I think Pavlov had in mind. And, you know, so she takes it out and he says he appears to be fine. And I said, well, excuse me, ma'am, but I think my stomach has been acting up a little bit lately. I said, do you think you have time? Is he out of health?

UNKNOWN 25:40

And the dog peed all over the place. That's what I said.

SPEAKER_00 25:53

So two shows from quite a long time ago, separated by two years from 89 to 91. I think you can kind of see a little bit of the style moving away from maybe like a Stephen Wright-ish, Seinfeld-ish kind of thing into a little bit of my own voice again, which I think is now, after 30 years, finally found the long form story type of dynamic. And that's kind of what the podcast Berg's Brain is all about. So the next two you'll hear Here we go. I just thought you'd like to hear these. Again, these are not live performances. They're just kind of me doing what I would probably do eventually on stage. But again, just to kind of the culmination of, you know, 30 years of moving from one style to another to finally finding what I think is my ultimate voice. So again, hope you enjoy it. This is going to be the Scrabble story and the Dog Pound. Enjoy. Thanks. So I grew up in Ohio, and my dad owned a gas station. And the cool thing about having a dad who owned a gas station was that back at the house, he never made us clean our bathrooms either. Only thing was, every time I had to use the bathroom, I had to find him and ask him for the damn key, which was always connected to a rusty hubcap or an oversized soup ladle. And I'd say, Dad, I'm not going to steal the key. I lit here. And growing up, My mom was an English teacher at our local grade school, and she was really into proper grammar and perfect spelling. So for breakfast, she only let us eat that alphabet cereal so we could eat and spell at the same time. And I remember mom always trying to motivate us to eat alphabets with her catchy jingle, Come on, honey, they're A, B, C, delicious! At which point I'd mutter under my breath, and eating these grainy little letters every damn day is A, B, C, depressing! I mean, look, limiting our choices to alphabets wasn't horrible. But after a few years of eating nothing but alphabets, I started spelling things in the bowl like, Mom, this cereal sucks. How about some Apple Jacks? Which was a pretty amazing sentence to fit in a little cereal bowl. So to keep the letters from moving and jostling around constantly in the milk, I devised this incredible anchoring system using about three inches of grape nuts mixed in with whole milk to make the cement mortar base and place the letters in one fortified sugary nugget at a time. The only problem with the anchoring system was after a few minutes, the grape nuts hardened to the bowl, turning it into this petrified, fossilized remnant. And once those babies were locked on, you couldn't script the letters off with a pickaxe or a jackhammer, so he just threw the bowls away. And I'm not sure if you're aware, but Alphabets has a grammatical defect because the serial comes with no punctuation. So, as a young boy, I'm spelling these incredibly long, run-on sentences in the bowl until my stickler mom said, Hey, hey, hey, where's the comma? So I'm biting O's in half and sticking them in, which wasn't that big a deal. But sometimes I'd leave a question in the bowl like, hey mom, what's for dinner? And you've got to have teeth like a New York City rat to carve out a question mark. And mom would carry this eating and spelling food-based combo project into every meal. For lunch, our choices were alphabet soup or spaghetti O's. And I chose spaghetti O's because my options were limited to spelling the words O or O. And look, while I make fun of that time and mom's harebrained method, it did help me learn to spell, although it did lead to one of my more embarrassing moments. Because a few years later, my girlfriend had me over to her house and she brought that game Scrabble and I ate all the letters. And seconds after swallowing the last letter, I turned to her and said, I hate to say anything, hon, but you might want to check the expiration date. I think the letters were a little stale. Well, my girlfriend didn't find that too amusing, so she stormed upstairs and moments after she left, I was hit with this intense urge to go number two. And I guess after eating all those stale wooden tiles, I was a little backed up. So I started pushing and clenching using my ass like some X-rated PEZ dispenser until I finally squeezed out the word constipation one wooden letter tile square at a time. And unbelievably, I looked down and the word constipation turned out to be a triple word score worth 300 points, my highest one word total ever. And after three excruciating minutes of painfully squeezing out the 12 letter word constipation from my not so svelte sphincter, I wished I had a box of alphabets handy so I could have carved out and added to the end of the word a well justified and grammatically correct exclamation point. Well, Not wanting to lose my triple word score, I snuck down to the kitchen, grabbed three boxes of grape nuts, jammed back upstairs, poured every box into the toilet, mixed up the cereal cement, and placed the pre-owned Scrabble tiles in one wooden letter square at a time. And wouldn't you know it, just like with the cereal bowls, the grape nuts hardened and the gravelly nuggets clogged the damn toilet. Well, already in hot water with my girlfriend for the stale letter comment, now she's going to be really pissed having to throw her toilet bowl away. So, not wanting to incur her wrath, I snuck out the back, walked home, pretty sure my relationship was in the dumper, literally and theoretically, and all I could think about on the walk home was, why could my best ever 300-point scrabble triple-word score have happened back at my house, where I could have left it in the ball forever as my gas station owning dad would have never made me clean it? Of course, that's assuming I would have been able to find him and ask him for the damn key. For the umpteenth time, dad, I'm not going to steal the key. I live here. Alright, here we are. The final fourth set of comedy. This one again about getting dogs from the pound. Enjoy. With all the craziness that's gone on in the world the last few years, I thought it'd be a good time to do a kind deed and get a rescue dog. So, a few weeks ago, I went to the pound. And guess I'm dating myself a bit as that's what we called it when I was growing up. Now, there are animal shelters, humane societies, animal sanctuaries. Dog live in the pounds fighting for its life. Dog lounging in an animal sanctuary? Sounds like a spa where French poodles Fifi and Fru-Fru get mani-pedis and drink out of toilets with lemon slices in them. And being old school, I wanted a dog that looked like a pound dog. You know, tough, scary with that pound dog attitude. You know, a chihuahua mix. Because any dog that's got chihuahua in it, you knows a badass. Not a drop of fur, runs the mean streets of Mexico, has that big dog and a little dog body mentality. Chihuahuas don't put up with shit. You're at a dog park and some well-groomed, unsuspecting suburban labradoodle leans in for the butt sniff. Cholo Chihuahua is going to turn that purebred into a labradoodle. So I pick out this little eight-pound Tijuana Tuffy, and you can clearly tell he's a pound dog because he's covered in tattoos. I heard Mexico, yo bitch, I ain't yo bitch, and my favorite, God spelled backwards is me, pendejo. So I bring home my chihuahua and figure I'd better give him a name, because that way I got a 50-50 chance he'll come when I call him. So I decided to do that Native American thing where you name something after the way it looks or acts, like that Kevin Costner movie, Dances with Wolves. So I was going to call him shits all over the place, but I already have a kid named that. So one afternoon I was looking for a tool in the garage and the pooch helped me find it. So I named him Help. And maybe not the best of names because when I let him out late at night and he doesn't come back, I'm on the front porch yelling, Help! Help! And my neighbors come running, which I find rather odd because I had no idea there were so many people in my neighborhood named Help. So the first few days went really well. Then I noticed Help looking kind of depressed. So I called the shelter, and the volunteer said it's very common as they've been around a lot of dogs, and now they're all alone. She said a surefire fix is to get a second dog. So the next day, I head back to the pound and rescue another Chihuahua mix, apparently a close buddy of Helps and in the same gang based on the design and number of tattoos, my favorite being a tap of one dog with his nose near the butt of another dog in the caption, born to sniff butt. So I bring home Helps' gangmate and notice an immediate change in Helps' disposition. He's calm, happy, more energetic. Remembering what the volunteers said of the companion pup as a surefire fix, I decided to do that same Native American naming thing and called the second pooch Surefire, or Fire for short. And just like with Help, maybe Fire wasn't the best of names, as now when I let both out late at night and neither comes back, I'm on the front porch yelling, Help! Fire! And even more of my neighbors come running. which I again find bizarre that it appears there are even more people in my neighborhood named Fire than Help. Anyway, I've had the pups for a few months now, really happy, enjoying both, but each pup has a medical issue. First, even though Help appears tough on the outside, deep down he's very sensitive, so if you yell at him, he pees all over the place. I come home after work and he's on the couch eating one of my shoes, so I yell,"'Goddammit, Help!' and he starts peeing like a racehorse." And by the way, why's it always gotta pee like a racehorse? No one ever pees like a Clydesdale, and you'd think with all the watery Budweiser these huge equines pull around in their wagons, they'd be peeing their fucking brains out. Now, while help has urination issues, Fire's always constipated. He often gets these dingleberries stuck hanging on his butt, and he stares longingly up at me to pluck it off like I'm a puppy proctologist. And speaking of proctology, who in their right mind would choose that specialty? Let's face it, no one chooses to be a proctologist. Someone chooses you, and that someone is the med school chancellor after you get caught diddling his daughter and you're given the chance of expulsion, or a residency literally and figuratively filling an opening in the ass ward. Well, this constipation and peeing everywhere dynamic had to change, so I took help and fired to the vet, and the vet was this very, very attractive woman. So first she examines Help and says his peeing is related to the fear he experienced living in a shelter, and it's important not to raise my voice or yell his name as that triggers the peeing. Got it, I said. No more yelling at Help. She hands Help back to me and says, Okay, let's see if we can figure out Fire's constipation issue, as she places a surgical glove on her hand and inserts it in Fire's rear, gently massaging his rectal cavity. Fire's tiny euphoric head is now bobbing up and down like one of those classic dashboard dog toys, his dark black eyes looking back longingly at the sexy vet as if he's died and gone to heaven, drool slowly dripping from the corners of his chicleted toothed mouth as he's salivating in a way that Pavlov had in mind, all the while moaning, Whoa! Whoa! And as his moans continue, my eyes drift lower and can't help but notice that Fire, my little seven-pound chihuahua, is sporting one of those uniquely bright pink breast cancer-awareness-colored dog boners that protrudes to a discomforting yet envious length. Fortunately, spying a bright pink breast cancer-awareness dog-colored wiener was clearly nothing for the vet as she turned to me and said, From what I can feel, Fire's pretty darn backed up. Every so often, you're going to need to stick a finger in his anus and gently massage it. While I didn't verbalize it, I thought to myself, Chihuahua, what the fuck did you just say? Because Fire has about as much chance of me sticking my finger up his ass as me placing a sliced lemon in his water bowl. And as I heard Fire whimper as the sexy vet removed her latex glove from his rear, I couldn't help myself. Got caught up in the moment. Knew I was about to cross an uncrossable line and chimed in, Excuse me, Doc, but I've been kind of backed up myself lately. Before you slip off that glove, think you have time to check me out? And she yelled, help! And help peed all over the place. And unbelievably, within seconds, the entire vet staff came running in. And I thought, wow, what are the odds so many people working here are also named help? Well, thanks for listening to another episode of Berg's Brain. And I really hope you enjoyed the ride on this one. It was really fun for me to look back over 30 years of my first experience creative, humorous angle and bent of getting on stage in a small little open mic at the Metro down in Sacramento, downstairs in a classic kind of little comic venue and working through my ideas and coming up with my voice and influences and eventually getting there after a few more years. And here I am, you know, some 30 plus years later, still out there, still writing, still creating, still doing this podcast, which I love to do for you guys. And I won't stop. I'm going to keep on going. And I guess my call out there is, especially in this day and age where we really need some, I think more laughter, more humor, more creativity. If you've got a bent desire, an angle that you want to keep going and you want to try something, just, just do it. Just keep going out there, chase your dreams, have fun. Really enjoy the process, which is what I try to do. I don't really look beyond anything except the moment of trying to do these podcasts. And it really helps. It helps me. And again, I hope some of these stories help you and give you a little laughter, especially in some tough times, which are going on right now on planet Earth. Again, I'll be back hopefully with a new episode very shortly and then get back into more of a regular routine at least maybe once a month or so, maybe faster at this point. So before I head out again, I want to say special thanks to my close friend, musical director and guitar legend, Jeff P. Podmiller. Thanks to the incredibly talented Berg's Brain graphic designer, Claire Skibbelroth. And again, if you like Berg's Brain, please subscribe and share it with your friends. Check out our website at bergsbrain.buzzsprout.com. And if you want to touch base anytime, email me at bergsbrain That's bergsbrainpod at gmail.com. Peapod, play us out with your new hit single, Steering Wheel Bop. That's all the rage in Barcelona, Bangkok, and Beverly Hills. Beep, beep, beep, beep, yeah!

UNKNOWN 40:41

Thank you.